By ROSIE WATERLAND
First shock of the night: We do not open on a shot of Tim contemplating life at the beach. THERE IS NO BEACH-THINKING. How will he know which girls to choose if he hasn’t looked into the horizon without his shirt on?
Wait – nobody panic. He’s doing his thinking sitting at a piano today. Phew.
Let’s get started.
Group date this week is at a farm. The editors have tried to manufacture some drama by pretending Penny is the only one not invited to the group date. Serious music. Close-ups. Crazy eyes. Smug glances… Just jokes! She is coming you guys! Can’t believe we spent two minutes of the show devoted to that when we could have just been watching the night-cam of Ali screaming Tim’s name in her sleep.
We’re at the farm. This week’s Tim is ‘Rugged Tim’. He tries to redeem himself after the dead monk incident last week by attempting another joke: “There may be some romance in the air… Or that could just be the smell of manure.”
ZING! He’ll be here all week – don’t forget to try the buffet.
Katherine the psychologist who appeared out of nowhere last week has decided to use her genius mind-bending skills to trick Tim into noticing her. It’s a brilliant plan that involves wearing a hideous fluro puffer-vest.
Thanks psychology degree!
Next up we’re milking a cow. Because obviously hand-milking cows is all that happens on real-life farms.
Tim is really experienced in this because he’s really experienced in everything because he is The Bachelor. He teaches the girls how to slowly pull down on the udder, and Ali takes diligent notes because they have a secret language and she knows that really he’s teaching them to slowly pull down on something else. WINK.
Rochelle seems genuinely confused and distressed at this point about where milk actually comes from. We know this because she tells us she can’t believe that’s where milk actually comes from. Then she gets distracted by Katherine’s shiny fluro vest and runs away. At least it worked on someone.
Tim decides he needs some alone time with Dani and takes her to feed some little lambs. She quickly realises they are getting more attention from Tim than she is and tells the camera in a private cut-away that she doesn’t think they’re even that hot anyway and they definitely don’t have as much in common with Tim as she does.
Tim then takes Sarah to look at a little cow. There used to be two, but some of the girls needed the lining of a calf’s stomach for the naked moon ritual of love they have planned for midnight.
Tim invites Sarah to sit on a rock instead of the usual two-seater because this is a farm and NATURE. After three minutes Sarah has planned her future: “I could definitely see myself marrying him.”
Ugh. What’s next?
Osher is here! He reminds us that this is The Bachelor and tells the girls that they are going to be human sheep-herders as a dignified test of their love. Apparently Tim is an experienced human sheep-herder and this is a skill he expects in the woman he’ll one day marry.
Human sheep-herding is totally one of his non-negotiables, you guys.
We then spend five minutes watching Tim chase sheep while Ali chases Tim while Dani makes bitchy comments to the camera. Anna runs around screaming in a way that Tim deems sufficient, and she wins some ‘alone time’ with him later in the evening. It’s obvious Tim has made this decision because she’s finally taken her lipstick off and this means he can kiss her without ruining his foundation. #WINNING
Obviously that night there is a barn dance because this is a farm and that’s what fair-dinkum country-folk would do. Tim knows this because he is The Bachelor and The Bachelor is perfect husband material who knows everything. Ali says so.
Tim decides his chakras are feeling a little off so he pulls Belle aside for a chat and some traditional rainbow-stone healing. She’s not quite sure what to make of him because her magic sex dog normally picks her boyfriends and he’s not here to tell her what to do. “He senses sexual chemistry,” she says. You can actually see the tumbleweed fly across Tim’s brain. Nothing much happens because Belle’s pheromone detector is all out of whack without Lassie on hand to calibrate it for her.
Anna and Tim escape for that ‘alone time’ she won by running around like a banshee. It’s now clear that her red lipstick was some kind of important tool that kept her brain from malfunctioning, because without it she’s completely forgotten how to form coherent words or sentences. She makes bizarre giggling sounds until Tim shuts her up by kissing her. She then covers their faces with her jacket so the camera can’t see her trying to extract some of his DNA for the baby she’s growing in a lab.
It’s a new day, and we’ve got a single date with
Joan Collins Natalie in the Blue Mountains. They go rock climbing, because Tim is an expert in rock climbing because he is The Bachelor.
He then shows us that he understands words and what they mean by pointing out that when standing on top of the cliff they are up high, but soon they will go to a cave where they will be low. Ten points.
The cave where they have a picnic is filled with hundreds of candles. Luckily they were left over from when a few of the girls were sacrificing that missing baby cow earlier.
Natalie asks Tim if he knows how old she is. He replies “25” before roaring with laughter because CLASSY. She be old! 34! Ew!
Natalie tells the camera that she’s not sure if he’s husband material yet, because she only just met him. Um, who is this well-adjusted woman and how did she get through the screening process?
Tim seems confused because she isn’t trying to marry him and/or steal a lock of his pubic hair. “It’s like she’s The Bachelorette,” he says, completely perplexed. He gives her a rose anyway because he’s frightened that her ageing disease may be contagious.
(Is anyone else missing crazy? Let’s start a petition to launch a new show where Ali performs her love rituals while Osher explains everything via voice over. What a dream.)
Cocktail party time! It looks like Tim has finally got his head around the rules of this game: “Coming into the cocktail party tonight, I have to focus on which of the girls I have a connection with, and which of the girls I don’t.”
Yep, that’s pretty much it, Timmy.
STOP EVERYTHING. How is it possible that there is another girl here we’ve never seen before? Who the fuck is Ashley and why is she demanding a private chat with Tim? He looks scared. He obviously doesn’t know who she is. And she’s not letting him get away with it either. Why does she keep asking him how he specifically feels about her? He doesn’t know. He’s never seen you before, sweetie.
In a last-bid effort to inject some drama into this episode, Alana forces a bunch of the weaker girls to join her in an epic Bachelor-ambush. She’s consulted several lawyers and is fairly certain Tim is contractually obliged to sleep with each of them before making any drastic decisions.
Rochelle looks traumatised. She’s scared of Alana because she spotted her earlier in the evening muttering to herself in front of a mirror while smearing lipstick over half of her face.
Baby Jane Alana convinces about five of them to go after Tim. They surround him and demand to know why he doesn’t love them. He looks petrified. There’s a good chance he may lose some limbs here and he knows it. WHERE IS OSHER? SAVE HIM OSHER, SAVE HIM!
He does. It’s rose ceremony time. Thankfully Osher is able to distract the girls by impressing them with his savant-level mathematical skills: “There’s 12 of you. One of you already has a rose. Twelve minus one is eleven. Eleven of you want roses. But there’s only 8 roses. Eleven minus eight is Three. Three of you will be going home.” NAILED IT.
Nooooooo! Alana is booted! Just when she was getting seriously fun. Oh, and also the girl we’d never seen before and the girl with magic sex dog.
A real loss.
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