By ROSIE WATERLAND
First shock of the night: We do not open on a shot of Tim contemplating life at the beach. THERE IS NO BEACH-THINKING. How will he know which girls to choose if he hasn’t looked into the horizon without his shirt on?
Wait – nobody panic. He’s doing his thinking sitting at a piano today. Phew.
Let’s get started.
Group date this week is at a farm. The editors have tried to manufacture some drama by pretending Penny is the only one not invited to the group date. Serious music. Close-ups. Crazy eyes. Smug glances… Just jokes! She is coming you guys! Can’t believe we spent two minutes of the show devoted to that when we could have just been watching the night-cam of Ali screaming Tim’s name in her sleep.
We’re at the farm. This week’s Tim is ‘Rugged Tim’. He tries to redeem himself after the dead monk incident last week by attempting another joke: “There may be some romance in the air… Or that could just be the smell of manure.”
ZING! He’ll be here all week – don’t forget to try the buffet.
Katherine the psychologist who appeared out of nowhere last week has decided to use her genius mind-bending skills to trick Tim into noticing her. It’s a brilliant plan that involves wearing a hideous fluro puffer-vest.
Thanks psychology degree!
Next up we’re milking a cow. Because obviously hand-milking cows is all that happens on real-life farms.
Tim is really experienced in this because he’s really experienced in everything because he is The Bachelor. He teaches the girls how to slowly pull down on the udder, and Ali takes diligent notes because they have a secret language and she knows that really he’s teaching them to slowly pull down on something else. WINK.
Rochelle seems genuinely confused and distressed at this point about where milk actually comes from. We know this because she tells us she can’t believe that’s where milk actually comes from. Then she gets distracted by Katherine’s shiny fluro vest and runs away. At least it worked on someone.
Tim decides he needs some alone time with Dani and takes her to feed some little lambs. She quickly realises they are getting more attention from Tim than she is and tells the camera in a private cut-away that she doesn’t think they’re even that hot anyway and they definitely don’t have as much in common with Tim as she does.
Tim then takes Sarah to look at a little cow. There used to be two, but some of the girls needed the lining of a calf’s stomach for the naked moon ritual of love they have planned for midnight.
Tim invites Sarah to sit on a rock instead of the usual two-seater because this is a farm and NATURE. After three minutes Sarah has planned her future: “I could definitely see myself marrying him.”
Ugh. What’s next?