lifestyle

This week's Bachelor recap: Talking about sex without saying the word sex.

It’s a tough week.

So Osher’s opening voice-over this week pretty much establishes that the focus of tonight’s episode is S.E.X. But the fun part of this episode all about sex is that nobody is ever allowed to say the word sex. For now, the words ‘no time limits’ mean SEX. For example: tonight, Tim is going on three dates with ‘no time limits’. That means three dates with SEX. He is going to ‘no time limits’ those girls soooo good.

OMFG. We open on Tim doing his serious thinking in a park. A PARK. There is NO water there. How is he going to know if he wants to ‘no time limits’ with any of these girls if he doesn’t contemplate life by the sea? HE’S GOING TO MAKE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. SOMEBODY GET HIS SHIRT OFF. STAT.

He thinks about the fact he’s going on three dates with ‘no time limits’ SEX. ALL THE SEX.

First up is Ali. Oh and we get a recap of all their lovely time together. All of her intense love condensed into one montage is actually kind of petrifying.

He picks her up from some bar, and in case we weren’t sure which car company was hosting this week’s episode:

“Wow” she says. “A Porsche!”

Cha-ching!

Nek minnit, Tim takes them to “an apple stand that I saw on the side of the road.”

That’s convenient, since there are already cameras set up in the bushes. Ali, ever the good sport, plays along with Tim’s amazing, random, apple discovery. “It was like out of a movie or something,” she says. Well that would probably explain the film crew, sweet pea.

Mmmm. Give me an Apple flavoured kiss next to this Porsche.

And it looks like Porsche may be sponsoring this episode, but I think apples are definitely sponsoring this date. Because it makes perfect sense that apples would sponsor things. Tim offers Ali a refreshing bottle of apple cider before they tuck into some delicious apple pie, all the while sitting next to a basket of apples.

Anyone else feel like eating an apple while driving a Porsche? I think this shit works.

Tim asks her about that weird word he’s never heard before, maybe it was ‘book’?

Yup – she’s been reading “Recipes for a perfect marriage” and wants to tell him all about it. It made her cry at the end.

“That’s like me watching a movie on a plane,” Tim helpfully adds.

Oh Tim.

The Apple King is so horrified by this sad display that he immediately revokes sponsorship and the quaint, ‘random’ apple picnic comes to an abrupt end.

Ooohh. We cut to a setting sun with some dramatic music. Are they about to ‘no time limits’ all over each other’s bodies?

They get offered the room key to the ‘Love Cabin’. That name is the perfect sign Ali’s been waiting for. She is locking this thing down TONIGHT. She is going to show him allll of the ‘no time limits’ moves.

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WHAT? We cut to the next day and Tim is on a boat? We see no S.E.X?

Tim reveals that he decided not to spend any ‘no time limits’ time with Ali. (That he knows about amiright, A? WINK.)

Oh okay, he’s doing his Rochelle thinking, so we get a lovely Rochelle montage. He’s still fixated on the beauty queen thing because how VERY DARE SHE commit horrific crimes enter beauty pageants without telling him? He also thinks about that time last week he made her beg because how funny is it stripping people of their dignity HAHAHA?

YOU DO FEELINGS WRONG.

She’s finally allowed on the boat after he’s circled the harbour a few times, but it’s only to get more of a talking-to. “I feel so amazing,” she says, after her 67th lecture from Tim. “I was blocking my feelings for so long that I had no idea. I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Good. You should be. Thank god he forced you to beg until you understood that you weren’t doing feelings properly.

They pull up on some private beach and write messages in bottles because they both suck at small talk.

“I have a feeling I know what’s going to happen later,” Rochelle says. “I’m really looking forward to that… opportunity.”

SEX. She means sex.

They’re offered the key to the ‘Ocean’ ‘no time limits’ SEX suite.

Cut to the next day – he did not close the deal with Rochelle either. Man, for an episode that’s all about sex without using the word sex there sure isn’t a lot of sex. Disappointing. SEX.

Anna’s turn. During Anna’s montage we see that her brilliant plan to not be a crazy person might actually be paying off. “She may be seeing things in me that she’s never seen in anyone to make her want to call them her boyfriend,” Tim says. “Maybe she’ll want to call me her boyfriend.”

Well played, girl.

“I would be the luckiest man alive to have her looking at me like that for the rest of my life.”

She’s won.

Oh, except maybe she hasn’t. There’s still that whole “You’re not as obsessed with me as I would like” hurdle.

“I need to know what you’re feeling,” Tim asks. “And I need to know what you see in me so that I know it’s real.”

Awwww. Timmy wants compliments.

Um… You have shiny hair?

Anna is not impressed.

“You want a list? I find it a bit superficial to do it that way.”

The look on his face says that’s exactly what he wants. But Anna is not done being awesome:

“I know you give me a rose and it’s like you’re choosing me, but really it’s also like I’m choosing you. I could just walk out of this if I wasn’t into it.”

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Is that enough?

Nope – he’s still on this ‘specific list’ thing. WTF? What is this, fifth grade? Does he want her to pass him a note behind the canteen?

“I thought Anna was being so open with me, but she’s having trouble expressing her feelings. And that could change everything,” he says.

Um, no. She’s having trouble agreeing to a juvenile exercise in which she lists each of your muscles and what she loves about them.

He gives up. For now. But only because the ‘no time limits’ SEX card is here.

When he tells Anna that he doesn’t want to ‘no time limits’ all over her body, she cries. I love that the only time I’ve seen Anna cry on this show is when ‘no time limits’ sex got taken off the table. SEX.

Cut to the next day and we sit through a bizarre scene in which Tim designs an engagement ring for a girl that he hasn’t yet chosen from a pool of three.

Ben from Bunda totally gets him. He just drops the words ‘life’ and ‘journey’ into conversation as much as possible and Tim is sold.

Nailed it, Ben.

Next up… ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Of course Ali only speaks in the most hyperbole-filled hyperbolic hyperbole: “I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who is half the man Tim is. He’s an absolute inspiration to me.”

OMFG. Tim and Osher are having a private chat by the fire! I may need to change my pants. Loving that this decision is so tough that Tim actually needs some extra one on one explanation time to understand where he’s at.

THIS HAPPENED.

Osher explains that he is The Bachelor. This week he had the chance to SEX ‘no time limits’ the final three girls. Now he must send one home. But first, they’ve each left him a message on this magic book with moving pictures called an ‘iPad’.

Osher leaves to escort each of the girls to the rose ceremony room (all that pent up sexual ‘no time limits’ energy means they’ve lost all sense of direction), while Tim watches what they recorded earlier.

Ali says that “We’re so lucky this happened to us,” before bellowing that she loves him. The exasperated sigh he lets out afterwards is one of the greatest moments of the show so far.

Rochelle wrote a poem. And it rhymes! Oh wait, no it doesn’t:

“You’re a chiropractor who plays piano and you can also milk a cow.”

I don’t think this is a poem so much as it is ‘listing things I have seen you doing’.

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Osher help us! How many roses is this?

Anna says something boring and sensible.

Let the brutal culling begin!

What? Rochelle gets the first rose? Did anyone else not see that coming?

Well, obviously Ali is going then. OMG. Her love spells have failed. I’m genuinely worried for everyone’s safety. I think Tim is too. He looks petrified.

ALI GETS BOOTED. NOOOOOO!!!!! But also YES because I want to see her head explode.

Okaaaay… She’s taking it rather well. A little too well. Is this the clam before the storm? She’s smiling and crying and ‘regrets nothing’ blah blah blah. Where is the samurai sword? Where is the Carrie-style flying furniture? Where is the murderous rage?!?

Um, is anyone else kind of sad? She is Bambi. How could he break Bambi’s heart? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS HE?

She holds it together until he leaves escapes from her grasp.

She finally breaks down. I have to hand it to her for not blubbering until she’s alone, but you have to wonder why now is the time she finally started to worry about her dignity.

Here’s a brief visual summary of how it went down:

Goodbye Ali. Goodbye.

“We were meant for each other and it’s going to take some time for me to get over it,” she says, looking wistfully out the reject-car window.

Oh, you’ll get over it sweetie. When you’re The BACHELORETTE 2014! Who’s with me? #TeamAli woot woot!

And if all else fails, she’s still got that vial of sperm she managed to swipe via turkey baster.

Oh Ali. How I’ll miss you. (Read my interview with the crazy lady herself RIGHT HERE.)

So, next week is the end, you guys. The grand finale.

What are we going to do with our lives?

Missed a recap? Here they are:

Week 11

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Week 3

Week 2

Week 1

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