The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 4: All hell breaks loose and everyone's yelling.

No. Stop.

Something’s wrong. It’s… it’s Osher.

We open with Cobie arriving on her single date with Matty J, which is fine, except that it’s absolutely not fine at all. Because how did she get here? Who told her where to go? Where did she get the date card from? Who read it out? Who speculated that it’s probably them going on the date this week? WHAT EVEN IS THIS SHOW AND WHO GAVE EVERYONE THE GODDAMN CLUE?

We know what's happened, obviously. And look, we don't want to say 'we told you so', but we 100 per cent definitely told everyone so.

Leah's ridiculous comment last night about how maybe Matty J should just 'pick up the phone' when he wants to go on a single date has pushed Osher over the edge.

Her public and vicious attack on his duties has shaken him to his core, and frankly he's having an identity crisis. And now we know that without an Osher, this show lacks both context and direction.

Listen: Love The Bachelor? Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald talk about the biggest moments from this week on Bach Chat. Including that horse penis, of course.

Matty J is reflecting on how Cobie "makes me really happy," from that whole one time they met on the red carpet, shared helium and got high together. But - here's the thing. Matty wants to find out if there's more to Cobie than just the helium. It's the question you inevitably have to ask in every relationship.

Matty introduces Cobie to the horses, and it turns out watching people slowly ride horses through the woods (?) is not particularly compelling television.

Cobie is enormously thankful for how patient Matty is being with her while she does an activity she a) has never done before b) did not choose to do and c) never expressed any interest in.

Cool.

The most exciting part is when one horse starts weeing out of his massive and somewhat aggressive horse penis, and Cobie says something about how well hydrated the horse is and it's potentially the worst banter we've ever heard.

Once they finish the ride it's time to bathe the horses (what... why?) and Cobie is excited to "show Matty more of who I am," and after five seasons of The Bachelor we still have approximately no idea of what that means.

Back at the house, Jen is doing that thing where she asks no one in particular a series of questions and then answers them herself. "Do I think she's [Cobie] a little bit cutesy cutesy?" she asks... and we think we know the ans...

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

OH DEAR GOD NO back on this never ending date Cobie has written Matty a 'poem' and firstly why but secondly no.

The problem (starting with literally everything) is that it doesn't rhyme. Or have any rhythm. Or structure.

What Cobie has written Matty is a paragraph. If we had to choose a text type, we'd go with 'email' with the subject line 'My feelings'.

They kiss because they both felt it was necessary. FIN.

Back at the house, Osher's still M.I.A. and everyone's starting to get worried. Matty's even driven over in the rain to see if he's lurking somewhere behind the curtains.

But alas, Osher is found in the garden holding an oversized die for no conceivable reason.

You see, he's been building a game. That's why he wasn't there yesterday - he's been up all day and night creating this activity that is sort of like Monopoly but without the copyright, with his bare hands. And it involves the one key ingredient to any challenge:

Humiliation. 

The rules don't entirely make sense but none of that matters because Simone throws a pie in Liz's face. At one point Michelle (the one who arrived in a police car) says "I'm a police," and what... what is happening.

By the end, everyone is covered in pie, it appears not everyone participated, and Michelle won but at no point does she get a prize.

Osher, sweetie, you did not think this through. 

Absolutely nothing is resolved and we cut to the Cocktail Party where Matty J is walking in with Tara and EVERYTHING HAS FALLEN TO SHIT.

Ever since Osher got distracted with that game he's really let the structure of this show go. He's dropped the ball. The narrative arc is all over the place.

Just when we thought it couldn't get any weirder, we're in a porno and we don't know how we got here.

Florence forces Matty onto a couch and fastens a tie around his neck, before buttoning up a white low-cut t-shirt on and adding a pair of sexy glasses.

Where the f*ck is Osher right now.

After Florence's... sex class, Simone takes Matty J aside for some alone time. She spends it wisely, suggesting they both stare at how much her hands are shaking, when she is rudely interrupted by Cobie.

BUT COBIE ALREADY HAD TIME WHY DOES SHE GET MORE TIME.

Simone tells everyone about Cobie's rudeness and how she was just showing Matty J who she is and they were having a moment looking at her hands when somebody cut her grass. You would THINK she had entered a REALITY SHOW where 22 women COMPETE for the same man.

Jen is losing it because she's bored AF this week, and starts yelling "She plays sweet, she plays cute, but she's a hustler. She's a bitch."

We just... we really don't think Cobie's a hustler but okay.

Leah is angry because we don't know why... but she marches in on very private Cobie and Matty time and says, "Playing Devil's advocate here, but you've upset a lot of people tonight. Can I steal him back?"

BUT MATTY BELONGS TO COBIE RIGHT NOW SO CAN EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF.

Cobie says, "well, no," and tightens her leash around Matty's neck whispering "It's okay sweetie I won't let the bad lady take you..."

She says she'll return him in two minutes with a receipt etc. etc.

BUT MATTY J IS NOT A TOY, PLS. YOU CAN'T STEAL A PERSON.

When Leah returns she says what's on everyone's mind, "I guess we don't know Cobie as well as we know Cobie..."

Finally Osher intervenes because it's time for Matty J to send home a woman who none of us even knew was on the show.

He does the maths; 17 girls, 16 roses, one rose for Cobie, one Matty J, one Osher, five seasons, three women in blue dresses...

One woman is going home.

Aaaaand it's Belinda the love coach whose name we didn't know until literally right now.

She should, however, count herself lucky. Because we have a feeling that people are actually going to die next week.

UNTIL THEN.

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