Just 18 sex stories that will make you never want to touch another human again.

People are sharing their awkward sex stories on Reddit and we officially want to become monks and live the rest of our days in celibacy.

Seriously, sex is cancelled.

We do not want. 

Speaking of cringe, watch Mamamia staff reveal their Tinder stories. Post continues after…

We do, however, want very much to read/laugh/cry at said stories, because pushing ourselves to the very limits of second-hand embarrassment until one day it actually kills us, is what the internet is for, right?

We also decided to pool some our own from the Mamamia office, and I now know my colleagues on a level of intimacy I wasn’t quite prepared for.

But anyway.

From the hilarious, to the shocking, to the “how quickly can I leave the country”, here are the most mortifying sex stories we’ve ever heard, split conveniently into categories for your cringing pleasure.

(And all names have been changed… because, well, the reasons will became very obvious.)

In the “bodily functions” category, we have:

Rachael – “A guy was doing it from behind and suddenly I saw blood spray all over the wall in front of me and he was going ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god’. Turned out he’d had stitches in his hand and they had burst open. I had no idea what was happening but it was kind of scary.”

Simone – “One time a guy went down on me, but when he emerged he was COVERED in blood. Terrifying amounts of blood – it looked like a crime scene. On his forehead, dripping down his neck, all over the insides of my legs. Obviously I was mortified because I thought it was me and didn’t know what to do, but it turns out he had ruptured a blood vessel in his nose.”

Rose – “Once when me and my boyfriend were in the middle of doing it; it was dark and there seemed to be a lot of… moisture… so I turned on the light and realised one of us had a nose bleed. We weren’t even sure who it was for a sec cause there was so much blood.”

Kate – “I was super drunk and giving a guy I was seeing head when all of a sudden I felt the urge to vomit. I did – projectile – allllll over him… He was super nice about it but we didn’t see each other for much longer after that…”

Sophie – “A guy I was seeing once asked me to put a sex toy up his bum. I was a little apprehensive but also drunk, so was like, hey why not. I did it and he shit everywhere.”

And from the wonderful world of Reddit: “Had a guy freak out on where to put his ‘stuff’. I told him it didn’t matter. (I’m on bc) He starts to panic, dick in hand, squats down and cums on the floor. That was the last time I spoke to him.”

And: “Had an ex queef one time during sex. She looked me right in the eyes and said in a sexual tone, ‘She’s talking to you.’ I laughed so hard about that one for YEARS.”

Moving swiftly along to the “environmentally-impacted” trysts:

Tara – “The first time I had sex, right after my boyfriend finished I rolled over, fell off the bed and sandwiched myself between the wall and the mattress. I was stuck for about half a minute like an upside-down turtle.”

And from Reddit: “My ex had random music playing. It changed to Oh Come All Ye Faithful (the irony is not lost on me) and he said ‘oh god I just thought about my mum.’ Needless to say things ended at that moment.”

And next, the “caught in the act” tales of bedroom woe:

Tom – “The first time I did it was in a tent on Topdeck in Venice. My tour bus decided to pay me a visit half way through by ripping the tent open… I was on top, and one of them slapped me on the bum.”

Marie – “This is GENUINELY not me… but a good friend… She was doing reverse cowgirl facing the door. She was laying right back, so her back was kind of pressed on her boyfriend’s tummy. And her mother-in-law swung the door open. Her bits/his bits simply could not have been MORE exposed in that moment.”

Donna – “One of my best friends walked in on her mum and dad doing a 69 and she made eye contact with her dad as he was quickly pulled away. Whenever she annoys me I’m like, ‘remember that time when…'”

And from Reddit: “I went to this girls’ house when I was around 19 and we started having fun on the living room couch and suddenly I heard banging. Turns out she locked her little brother in the bathroom so she and I could bang… He was crying and yelling in Korean. Completely killed the mood.”

Oh, we bet.

And just the downright messed up:

Bianca – “I’d gone home with a guy I’d met at a club. We were right in the middle of it when all of a sudden he got his phone out and started TAKING A SELFIE (I could tell it was a selfie because he was pulling weird faces). When I asked what on earth he was doing he told me he was sending a Snapchat to his ex to inform her he was indeed having sex with someone new… I legged it home without my knickers.”

Ellie – “My friend got lock jaw while giving a blow job and he had to massage her jaw to get his dick out of her mouth.”

From Reddit: “A girl I used to sleep with in college: ‘Oh my… OH MY… I’M GOING TO… OH MY GODD HERE IT COMES! ORGASM!!!!!!!!’ She actually screamed the word orgasm at the top of her lungs whenever she came… Try to imagine that.”

And equally as horrifying a mental image from the excellent humans of the Reddit community: “My ex tried his best to dirty talk but was god awful at it. Once said, ‘You like when I rub your dirty vagina?’ Not sure how he thought that would sound sexy or appealing at all.”

Yikes.

To leave you with a slightly more wholesome but equally hilarious tale from the bedrooms of strangers:

“I once said something along the lines of ‘you’re so tight’ and my girlfriend without missing a beat said ‘yeah you’re pretty cool yourself’ we both ended up laughing.”

Bless.

Ahem, good luck out there.

(If these stories haven’t turned you wholly against sex for life, that is  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯).