Ladies the races are upon us! It’s time to drop a small fortune on a feather stuck to a headband, frock up and back a winner. I thought I’d put together a small pre-races intervention for you all.
Over the years I have seen some disturbing sights (sure, some of them involving me) so I thought I’d put to use all my years of getting it horrifically wrong to help you all get it fabulously right. I give you:
Em’s guide to keeping it nice at the races.
(Because as we all know, the difference between triumph and tragedy can be just half a length or just half a champagne).
1. Shoes on AT ALL TIMES ladies. I CANNOT stress this enough. If you cannot go the distance, don’t wear the footwear, simple as that. In fact, do not remove any part of your outfit unless it’s a jacket. The Melbourne cup is not the place to get your kit off and dance like it’s 1999.
2. Do not allow yourself to get completely horizontal AT ANY POINT. Having a cheeky Nanna nap is unacceptable and you know it.
3. Do not under any circumstances use a garden bed for a toilet/rest area.
4. Have a sober friend whose sole purpose is to maintain the group’s dignity.
5. Chugging champers STRAIGHT from the bottle is a no-no.
6. Have either cleavage OR legs out. Repeat “OR” not “AND”.
7. Assume at some point your knickers are going to be seen. Decent underwear/foundation garments are essential to combat both sudden gusts of wind and/or sudden gusts of stupidity.
8. The only “mounting” of a filly should be happening on the track NOT OFF.
9. Do not let your boyfriend “design” your outfit and keep it for a “surprise” on the day. I have seen this believe it or not… Rule 7 and rule 2 were not only broken but left sobbing in the car park.
10. If it’s going to rain, be prepared. Cutting a hole in a garbage bag is beneath you.