Are you ready for kids? Take this simple test to find out.

It’s the great paradox.  Science could put a man on the moon but nobody’s been able to design a test that accurately indicates whether or not you and your partner are physically and emotionally equipped to have a baby.

Until now.

Finally here’s a  test that will ascertain if you have the patience, the stamina and the strength of resolve to be a mum. Seriously, this test is eerily accurate. It’s from “The Beginner’s Guide to Fatherhood”, by Colin Bowles. 

So grab a pen and a piece of paper. And, you know, an octopus (for question 3).  Oh look, just trust us.  We defy you not to laugh out loud…

Test 1 – Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

4. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the Counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

5. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

6. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it uninterrupted for the last time.

Test 2 – Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 – Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to bed.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 – Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 – Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 – Going For a Walk

Wait

Go out the front door

Come back in again

Go out

Come back in again

Go out again

Walk down the front path

Walk back up it

Walk down it again

Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of

used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 – Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having

Test 9 – Feeding a one-year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 – TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Congratulations, you are now ready to have children.

This test is from “The Beginner’s Guide to Fatherhood” by Colin Bowles. You can find his blog here.

And now, some excellent eCards that pretty much sum up what parenting is like:

What questions would you add to the list?