It really is true what they say; until you’ve walked in the shoes of others you really don’t have a clue what’s going on.
It’s not until you’re up to your elbows in poo, with sore nipples and a dull headache due to no sleep that you truly begin to understand the plight of the new parent.
And so, now, as an understanding of motherhood begins to take hold, I feel a long overdue apology is in order for those friends of mine who reproduced first. Here are my top nine apologies, in no particular order.
1. I’m sorry for overstaying my welcome.
You’re a new parent, I know, but I’m your best friend, surely staying for two hours and watching you rock your newborn with tired eyes, while trying to maintain calm and look like you know what you’re doing is okay, right? Wrong!
Only now do I understand that anything over an hour is a no-go zone, and even that is a stretch for anyone other than family. A new parent is not going to think you’re rude if you pop in for a mere 20-minute cuddle.
2. I’m sorry for buying you beautiful clothing with buttons.
Evil, evil buttons! Yes, that Marie Claire growsuit is extremely sweet. However, have you ever tried putting nine tiny buttons through nine tiny holes on three hours’ sleep? Come on, there’s a reason Bonds wondersuits are so popular. Please buy me five!
3. I’m sorry for buying you big toys.
Sure, you live in an apartment, but I saw this enormous playcentre thing that makes coffee and cooks you dinner and thought you had to have it! No, I don’t. I live in a shoebox, please give me something I can use, like vouchers, nappies or, better yet, a cleaner!