When I was growing up, my mother and I shared a very special relationship. I had two younger brothers, but I felt that the relationship that my mum and I shared was particularly special. I also listened to her speak about the bond with her own mother the same way, so I wanted to be another link in the chain.
When it was my turn to have babies, my first was a boy. I wasn’t concerned at all by this – I wanted to have a baby and it had taken my husband and I about a year to conceive despite some fairly enthusiastic trying (think ovulation tracking vs mindless banging). When that baby boy was in my arms, I never wanted to let him go. He’s now almost four and he is my kindred spirit. He’s like me in so many ways and we fully understand each other.
When I got pregnant again, it was for the ‘last time’. My husband and I had only ever wanted two children. From the start I convinced myself this child was a boy, because I didn’t want to believe it could be a girl. But in the back of my mind, I was hoping to have the nice ‘surprise’ of expecting a female baby. I told everyone (including myself) that it didn’t matter what the baby’s sex was, that I would be thrilled regardless. I built myself a Donald Trump sized wall to avoid disappointment.
Watch: ‘The time I felt like a bad mother.’ (Post continues below.)
Yet when I saw that tiny little penis on my 20 week scan, I wailed.
I wrote a letter to the ‘daughter I would never have’, soaking it in floods of tears. When anyone asked me if I had ‘wanted a girl’ (despite being pregnant with a boy), I went on the offensive and became abrasive, asking why on earth I would mind what sex I had, when I was so lucky to have two healthy children. Yet behind closed doors, I fervently researched ‘gender disappointment’ and ‘how do I deal with not having a girl?’ I asked myself why it was that so many people around me seemed to have ‘pigeon pairs’, yet I couldn’t manage it myself.
I’m sure you might be disgusted by this reaction. In truth, I disgusted myself. I felt so much shame about the way that I felt, but I could not shake the feeling that I wanted that girl.
Top Comments
Just do it the natural way. Having sex a few days before ovulation increases the chance of girls as the X sperms are slower but live longer. I have two girls resulting from sex 2 days before ovulation.
The Shettles Method has since been tested and disproven as being accurate.
Disproven by who? Men?
Before I fell pregnant, I always imagined having girls - but after my first boy was born and then my second boy I could not have been happier. Rather than feeling like I am "missing out" on that connection - I also think its important to nurture the mother-son connection and to ask ourselves why do we imagine a more beautiful bond with our daughters? Is it because the genders are so different - or is it also because of the way we raise our daughters differently? If so - how can we nuture our boys to create relationships that grow and remain in adulthood. Part is how we parent, but part is also setting examples and ensuring males are can easily take some time as SAHPs.
My two little boys amaze me everyday with their compassion, creativity, sensitivity, love and that little bit of hyper-energised rambunctiousness. I couldn't even imagine having a girl now.
Sorry I have so many rambling thoughts on this. Personally I feel that perhaps counselling should be the first thing to think about before taking the route of IVF selection overseas.
Yes absolutely! Counselling should be the first step here.