WARNING: This post contains mentions of domestic violence and may be triggering for some readers.
Being in a controlling and possessive relationship doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t go on a first date and get given a list of rules to abide by. It’s painstakingly slow and dotted with red flags that seem too insignificant to challenge in the moment. You sacrifice and surrender and relent, bit by bit, until you become a shell of who you were at the start of the relationship.
I met James* when I was 17 years old. He was attractive, charming and, much to my surprise, he seemed into me. I had graduated from high school on that very night, and my outrageously fake ID had allowed me access in to a nightclub with all my friends. While they all seemed to exude self-confidence and flourish in the nightclub environment, I quietly struggled to feel like I belonged in the big, bad world of young adulthood. I was small and scrawny, but out of all the beautiful women in that room, James chose to talk to me. I fell for it. We added each other on Facebook, exchanged numbers and started talking to each other daily. Then, we started seeing each other whenever we could. After six months, we decided to make things official and announce ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.
As things got serious, his control intensified under the guise of concern and love. I was offered the perfect bartending job that would allow me to study throughout the week and earn pocket money on the weekend. James was livid. Why would you want a job that opens you up to opportunistic men? A job that makes me sickeningly anxious for your safety? Do you understand how embarrassing it will be to tell people my girlfriend is a bartender? I was fiery and strong-headed, and because James wasn’t employed, I thought that he didn’t have the right to tell me if I could take this job. So, I took it.
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Your story resonated with me. I too was in an abusive, belittling relationship with a man who essentially didn't know how to look after himself. He gave me all the loving, caring adoration I never received in my family life that I craved, but started telling me I was too fat when I was 65kgs, using his strength in ways that bruised me, and suggesting that he was better than me because he studied at university for longer so he deserved to be paid more than me (even though he never could find a job that gave him a better income). Where we are different, is you had supportive family. I had to go through mine alone with two children in toe, as my family didn't accept me as a single mother. While I was going through my divorce, my parents said that they didn't want to see me until I had something positive in my life, even wrote letters to me saying that we should part ways for a while, and then they refused to come to my 40th birthday party and stopped talking to me for 4 years, until my father's death. I had a family friend recently say to me that my parents were 'wrongly tough' on me. I've only started talking to my mother again recently, as she now approves that I'm in a loving relationship with a beautiful man. The conditional love and judgment still doesn't sit right with me.
Bravo for getting out. Much luck and love for your future.