real life

7 reasons why the internet is better than a boyfriend.

The object of my affection is a dreamboat!

 

 

 

 

Friends, it’s time I came clean about something.

For a while now, I’ve been telling all of my friends and family that I’m single. “It’ll happen when it happens,” I’ve shrugged convincingly. However, that’s not exactly the truth about my relationship status.

To be honest, I’ve been in quite a serious relationship for a long time now. And hot damn, the object of my affection is a dreamboat: smart, diverse interests, doesn’t make a mess, liked by all my friends. We’ve been living together for several years, and now we even work together. We’re inseparable.

…Okay, okay, so this “boyfriend” is actually the internet. Yeah, yeah, you got me. Yet the thing is, I think my wireless companion might be better than a boyfriend sometimes (well, a good stand-in at least). Dubious? Here are 7 pieces of evidence that’ll have you rushing off to hug your modem:

Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by Telstra. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.

1.      The internet is all-knowing

Every relationship is a learning experience, so you can only imagine what you’ll learn while spending time with the internet and its nerdy friend, Google. If you ask me, any object that can provide answers to the completely bizarre questions that fill my mind – anything from “Is Joni Mitchell still alive?” to “Do dolphins have hair?” – is worthy of commitment.

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The internet knows me so well now, in fact, it can even finish my sentences – sometimes with disturbing results, but with success in most cases. I only need to say four words and it’ll be nodding away knowingly:

We always finish each others sentences…

 

Understanding the horror that is the first pancake of the batch? That’s love, right there.

2.      Your parents will [probably] love it

It’s one thing to introduce your love interest to your friends. But your parents? Oooh. Daunting. What if they have nothing to talk to each other about? What if their political views clash horribly?

Introducing your parents to the internet can also be tricky, as they might find it hard to understand at first. However, once they’ve spent a little time together, you’ll find they’ll love it just as much as you do once. Maybe even more.  After all, the internet is a mighty useful guest – it’s full of recipe ideas, home renovation advice and movie recommendations, and it’ll even help your mum archive all your baby photos. A tough act to beat for any human suitor.

This woman might judge you hard for all those cereal dinners, but Internet boyfriend won’t.

3.      The internet never judges

Sure he loves you for your sparkling wit and your charming personality, but will your boyfriend’s opinion of you remain as high when he witnesses you eating cereal for dinner for the third night in a row? Or when he realises just how many hours you spend watching videos of cute baby animals? (These are hypothetical examples, of course.)

Well, the internet will never judge you for these things, because the internet has seen it all. The internet has seen it ALL, man – we’re talking extreme fetishes, unsuccessful attempts at twerking, people travelling to Mars and never coming home. No matter how freakily you think your freak flag flies, you can rest assured the internet knows someone weirder. (And thank god for that, huh?)

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4.      The internet doesn’t always require physical connection

Don’t get me wrong – physical affection makes the world go ‘round. However, in some situations it’s a bit off-putting. Sweaty hand-holding on a summer’s day, for instance, is enough to dampen the most ardent romantic urges.

Unlike a boyfriend, however, the internet doesn’t always demand a physical connection. It can satisfy all your relationship needs with no wires attached. (Yeah, interpret that as you will).

5.      It’s the ultimate travel companion

Anyone who has travelled with a partner will tell you the experience can make or break a relationship. There are foreign languages to fumble through, maps to navigate, and countless unwashed, sleep deprived hours spent together. Travel with the wrong lover and you’ll have enough material to fill a Taylor Swift album.

So yeah, you guessed it – the internet wins this round, too. Although it’ll probably disappear when you find yourself stranded in rural Romania, it’ll keep you informed, it’ll keep you going in the right direction, and it’ll help you order pizza in something vaguely resembling the French language. C’est l’amour!

Not only does the internet condone your oggling – it will happily provide you with a plethora of shirtless Gosling photos.

Not only does the internet condone your oggling – it will happily provide you with a plethora of shirtless Gosling photos.

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6. The internet doesn’t care how you look

As much as people like to tell you otherwise, physical attraction tends to count for something in a relationship – at least in the early stages. That’s why, when going on a date with someone we like, we make an effort to brush our hair and wear clothes that have definitely (rather than “probably”) been washed.

However, the internet won’t mind if you don’t make the effort to get dolled up. No matter how smudgy your panda eyes are, or how long and luscious you’ve allowed your leg hairs to grow, it won’t bat an eyelid (or whatever the online version of an eyelid is).

7. The internet won’t get jealous if it finds you ogling photos of Ryan Gosling

Not only will the internet not get jealous, it’ll provide the materials. You won’t find that level of consideration in a human relationship. You just won’t.

Before you swear off flesh-and-blood men forevermore, it would be remiss not to mention the one major drawback of calling the internet your boyfriend: it has commitment issues. Really big ones. In fact, it’s probably dating every one of your friends, behind your back, as we speak.

And since you introduced them, it’s probably dating your mum, too. Just thought you should know.

Competition is now closed. Stay tuned for more Telstra posts for another chance to win a Telstra Pre-paid 4G  Wi-Fi device. 

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