lifestyle

Ever wondered why famous women walk the red carpet looking like a teapot?

By MARY WARD

In the presence of a camera, it seems that many women – particularly the gen Y-ers amongst us – morph into embarassing fools.

We contort our bodies in odd ways. We make duck faces. We act like a Kardashian on a red carpet. All because someone has said: “Let me get this for Instagram” and held up their phone.

Wait. Before you climb on your high horse called Insulting Female Stereotypes and gallop off into the sunset, read these Five Cheesy Girl Poses and tell us you’ve never done any of them.

This is Nat, with her hands on her hips. While. She. Is. Sitting. Down.
This is Nat, with her hands on her hips. While. She. Is. Sitting. Down.

And also? Have you ever seen a bloke do any of these things?

CHEESY GIRL POSE #1. Hands on hips

When a camera pops out, a spell is cast over girls.

And we become teapots.

For some reason, plonking your hands on your hips is the go-to position when you’re being photographed. It makes one feel classier. More authoritative.

And, above all else, it avoids awkward hand-positioning.

And we all know how a rogue, limp hand can ruin a photo.

Cheesy Girl #2. I am SO skinny (from above)

IMG_0334
Jamila demonstrating the ‘Skinny from above’ pose.
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This particular style of photo has the benefit of showing a close-up of one’s hair and makeup, while still keeping one’s outfit in the photo. It is also a rather effective way to take a full-length selfie in the absence of a mirror.

However, ultimately it is used as an optical illusion to trick one’s social media followers into thinking that you have an incredibly petite body.

But it’s all relative, isn’t it? Is the photo showing that you have a super skinny body? Or is it showing that you have an ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE (figurative and literal) HEAD?

Just something to think about.

Cheesy Girl Post #3. Fish Lips (aka Duck Face)

A good test for determining whether what you are doing in a photo is stupid is as follows: When a historian looks at this picture thousands of years from now, what would they think?

Unfortunately, when historians look at fish lips photos thousands of years from now, they are going to assume that we regressed into a homo-aquatic race. Consider this the next time you think trout pouting is a good idea.

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One, two, three "Pretend something is really, really hilarious!"
One, two, three “Pretend something is really, really hilarious!”

Cheesy Girl Pose #4. I’m having SO MUCH FUN RIGHT NOW

This is an interesting one.

Once upon a time, if a photo was being taken, it usually meant there was something enjoyable going on that everyone wanted to document.

(Unless you were the subject of photo journalism in a war zone, or something. In case you hadn’t picked up on this until now, this post isn’t really about those sort of photos.)

Not any more. Now cameras come out incessantly and every second moment (and outfit) is captured.

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But what if the thing you’re doing is not fun enough? Or worse: what if your fun is not photogenic?

Well, that’s where this girly photo comes in. You master a ‘looking like you’re having fun’ photo by throwing back your head in laughter, holding a champagne glass as if you were toasting it even though it is only a quarter full, and always making sure that you are flirtatiously leaning on someone. Because that’s what fun is: sea legs.

This is me. Sitting down. With my collar bones so far forward it's a miracle I didn't dislocate something.
This is me. Sitting down. With my collar bones so far forward it’s a miracle I didn’t dislocate something.

Cheesy Girl Pose #5. Collar bones out for the boys

This is where I need to put my hand up and say: “I do this. A lot.”

I’m not sure what it is about the presence of a camera that makes me think I should push my shoulders forward. Whatever aesthetic ‘benefits’ (and I use that word both superficially and loosely) I grant my physique by pretending that I am slender enough to have aggressively protruding collar bones are surely offset by the fact that:

1) I look like I have shockingly poor posture.

2) The manoeuvre is not achievable without also performing a chest contraction that decreases one’s perception of my bust size.

Yet, every time I have my photo taken, it’s a trade-off I’m willing to make.

Okay, we’ve ‘fessed up; now it’s your turn. What are the weird things that you keep on finding yourself doing in photos

Note: Obviously this post is written in jest. Please don’t leave us fearing for our photogenic lives in the comments section.

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