by TONIA ZEMEK
I am to retail what Fraulein Maria from the Sound of Music was to the abbey. A tearaway. A renegade. A sinner.
When I go shopping, I do things that I know I ought not. Things that are bad for me.
And I suspect you do too.
So to help myself and possibly you, I have compiled this list of commandments I will try to follow next time I get my shopping on. Ready? Let’s do this.
1. Thou Shalt Not Buy In Situ
So I’m in a boho, incense-burning, chime-playing shop and that ochre coloured, floor length, collar to cuff kaftan looks right at home. That’s because it’s in situ – surrounded by props and other clothes that make it look….normal. Desirable. However, I do not live in Machu Picchu. One must always ask one’s self – will this poncho/wetsuit/sombrero/skort/onesie work in my real life?
2. Do Not Covet The Shop Assistant’s Physique
Wow, those black vinyl leggings look fantastic on that 18-year-old shop assistant. If I buy those pants I will look just like her. Wrong. I will look like a 37-year-old woman using a recycled tarpaulin to vacuum seal her thighs.
3. What Happens On Tour Stays On Tour
We’ll always have Paris, that is of course if we buy this sequin encrusted, four foot Eiffel tower. It’ll look a treat in between our porcelain double decker bus and that Viking stein. Together they can collect dust and eventually be boxed up and labelled “miscellaneous stuff” when we move.
4. There Is Only One Liz Hurley
A reading from the Book of Revelations. White jeans will not turn me into Liz Hurley. White jeans will make me a red-wine-stained, dirty-hemmed walking grot collector who never dated Hugh Grant.
5. Bed, Bath And Beyond
Gluttony is a sin. The amount of bed linen and bath towels in a house should be commensurate with the number of people living in said house. Regrettably I stray when tempted with an impressive thread count. I become a b and b owner who simply must have the best for her guests. Quicker than you can say I can’t close the linen cupboard I’m MasterCard-ing my way to hospital corners and guest soaps.