This is What Your Child Needs From You

Taking the time to understand someone is an idea that seems intuitive. Of course we need to understand our kids – that’s simple, isn’t it? It sounds easy enough to listen and even understand.  But in practice it can be difficult to implement.

Imagine this:

One evening a family sits down to watch a movie. They are watching the movie as a family with some mildly scary themes – in fact it is about a ghost. One of the children is a ten year-old girl. Watching the movie seemed like fun at the time but when the lights went out at the end of the evening, the little girl was scared.

As her parents put her into bed Emma resisted. She became clingy. She wanted cuddles, a story, a song, a drink, and so on. Her parents found her behaviour tedious, but they indulged her. Soon, however, it was beyond annoying. Emma’s parents were tired. She was stringing her bed time out, and ruining what had been a pleasant evening. Dealing with a scared ten year-old girl refusing to sleep was not part of what they had planned..

Emma’s parents could have shown that they understood that she was scared, and dealt with it compassionately. But their agenda got in the way of their being understanding. At a superficial level they understood. They could verbalise that, “Yes Emma. We know you’re scared.” But recognising it and understanding it – having real empathy for it – are two different things.

As the little girl’s fear and crying increased, the minutes turned into quarter-hours. Over an hour later, Emma’s parents had gone from annoyed, to exasperated, and now her dad was at angry. Each parent had used all of the logic they could think of to help their daughter realise that no ghosts would be in their house. After logic, they had reasoned, bribed, threatened, yelled, and demanded that she recognise how silly she was being, and calm down and go to sleep. Like most parents, they believed that they had done ‘everything’.

At around 10pm Emma’s father had finally had enough. It was two hours past her bed time and it was past his bed time too! He pulled his daughter from her bed, hostility evident in every move he made. He set her on the floor, grabbed her by the hand, and part walked her, part dragged her, around the outside perimeter of the house in the pitch dark of the late night.  Through the front yard, along the path, down the side fence, out into the back yard, next to the other side of the house, and back in the front door. All the while she cried, screaming that the ghosts would ‘get her’. He argued back. “Where are the ghosts?” “There are NO ghosts!” Petrified, she was dragged back into her bedroom and told to go to sleep.

You can probably guess that she didn’t make any more disturbance for her parents that evening. Instead, she spent the time until she fell asleep sobbing into her pillow. But was the problem settled in her mind? Did she feel any safer because her dad had proved that there were no ghosts around the house? Probably not – on both counts.

Emma’s relationship with her dad was damaged. Trust was reduced. Emotional pain was inflicted rather than healed. If this experience was a one-off, then it probably would not have a significant impact on Emma’s feelings of safety and security. But if it became the standard way that her father dealt with her emotional pains, then her relationship with her father would be strained, and her wellbeing would suffer.

The bedtime scenario could have played out differently if the father had connected with, or engaged, Emmas’s fear the following way:

“Emma, it sounds as though the movie has frightened you more than we thought. You seem really upset by it.”

Emma would likely have nodded, recognising the emotions her father was identifying in her. Chances are thatthe simple recognition that Emma was having a serious emotion, and her father labelling that emotion with her would have led to a powerful reduction in those feelings.

Her father may have needed to do a little more to peacefully see his daughter off to sleep, but at this early stage the major objective would already have already been achieved. Emotions brought back to a level where they can be easily regulated and managed, and stress reduced for Emma and her dad.

So what can we learn?

We need to identify the emotions our kids are displaying and then label them. No need for talking. No need for lengthy lectures. No need to even be “right” or to do any teaching.  Just identify and acknowledge the emotion. 

After all one of children’s key needs is to be understood. In fact, being understood may be an even greater need than being loved.

Justin Coulson is the father of five kids and has a PhD in psychology, a book called What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family, and blogs at www.happyfamilies.com.au. What your child needs from you: Creating a connected family is available from happyfamilies.com.au here, online retailers, ACER Press, and bookstores around Australia.