Recently my husband and I have started dancing around the idea of having a third baby. It’s one of those thoughts that’s tinkering around in there, building momentum and at some point will explode into a moment of “let’s do it, right now” which is both figurative and literal in our case.
It’s a beautiful time for us filled with possibility, hope and fairy dust. All our children have come into our minds like this, a conversation that starts infrequently and filters through to all our conversations. It then happens seemingly spur of the moment as if an impulsive decision. This part of trying for a baby is my favourite part, it’s the part that reminds me of a fairy-tale, it’s the part before reality kicks in.
Laura in a fairy-tale moment. Image supplied.
Reality for my husband and I looks like this; a miscarriage at 14 weeks, 8 cycles of trying for our first before being told we'd need IVF to have a baby (and falling pregnant that month), 11 cycles for our daughter (before being told we had secondary infertility and that I'd need surgery to further investigate, found out about my daughter a couple of days before I was due to go under).
Trying for a baby turns me into a crazed creature I don't recognise. Day one of my cycle is a mixture of sadness and optimism; sadness that we aren't pregnant but optimistic that "this is our month, I can feel it". Day seven through to 17 it's time to get frisky. There is a lot of sex. Sex I pretend I'm not scheduling "to keep it fun", but that I know there is a purpose and that purpose is a baby.
I then get a week where I can tune out (somewhat) but the week before my period is due hits and this is when the true madness and insanity starts. This is where first response pregnancy tests make their money out of me. Testing well before I would get a true positive anyway, staring at urine on a stick, wishing, dreaming, begging for a second line to appear. Dismembering tests because "I'm sure I see the faintest second line" and then taking photos and editing them to be unrecognisable and posting them in trying to conceive forums where a bunch of other crazies squint and look and decipher if there may be a second line. It's a week of madness where test after test is done until eventually your period arrives and we are back at day one.
Top Comments
This is me too, I feel your pain. I'm thinking about buying shares in First Response I take so many pregnancy tests each month! My husband and I both started out VERY relaxed but after 18 months with no luck and no answers that kind of goes out the window. We have tried clomid, acupuncture, femara, chinese herbs, preseed lube, injections, progresterone pessaries... its endless. I'm a wreck and we haven't even tried IVF yet. I am so sick of the drugs and injections and blood tests and appointments and scheduled sex every month. But mostly I am sick of smiling though the pregnancy and birth announcements from friends (I had to quit facebook, couldn't deal).
The worst part is that back in the day I remember asking older friends who were married "When are you going to have kids?" like it was that easy as just deciding when and voila!! I am always stunned when people ask me that and there is always a split second where I have to decide whether to tell the truth or make something up. I pretty much cry every time I try to explain so I usually just say we are working on it... which can be awkward when its someone I dont know well! But don't ask if you don't want to know!