"I'm an adult man and I found out I had worms."

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. How can such a handsome man get worms?

Well, I don’t know how I got them, but I can tell you that finding out that I had a living parasite/bacteria/thing inside me was the most disgusting moment of my life. It’s also changed my life forever.

Throughout my entire life, I’ve done a lot of Chanel No. 2 in the toilet. I’m talking like, five to 10 times a day. At first I thought this was normal, but I realised that I might be a bit high on the poo frequency scale when a former colleague gave me some unsolicited advice while we were in the office toilet.

He told me that I should see a doctor because my toilet routine sounded like a machine gun fight from a Schwarzenegger movie. I ignored this guy’s advice and continued going to the toilet like Sinatra suggested, My Way.

Late last year I was going about my business at home, but I was experiencing more discomfort than usual. I flushed the toilet, washed my hands and then caught some moving in the corner of my eye. Yeah, something moving, IN THE TOILET.

I went in for a close-up. It was horrible. It was a giant, deep-crimson worm. It was massive. It must have been 10cm long. It was writhing in the toilet bowl, like it was slow dancing to Sade’s Smooth Operator at your cousin’s wedding. I felt like I was going to be sick.

For some reason, I decided to call out to my wife: “Babe, come here. I have to show you something.”

When my wife entered the bathroom I was first greeted with a look of anger because she figured I was trying to intentionally gross her out. The anger quickly transformed into a flash of horror as she agreed that this was the most disgusting thing that we had ever seen.

I then proceeded to point at the toilet bowl, use my best Law & Order voice and cross-examine my spouse:

“One of us has worms.”

I was pointing my finger at her and everything.

She was not impressed. I don’t know why I asked her that. I’m the gross one. I once avoided showering for four days in January when I’d just gotten married because I thought I was still a disgusting bachelor/manchild.

After deliberating with my wife if we should catch the worm in a jam jar and take it to the doctor for the best part of an hour, we finally decided to flush it away. It took five flushes because it kept coming back to haunt me.

Scarily, more people have creepy worms living inside them than you would think. Professor Thomas Borody, who leads the Centre for Digestive Diseases in Sydney, claims up to “six per cent of people” carry some form of parasite in their gut.

How did you deal with the worms?

This was the most embarrassing phase of the whole saga. On a wet Sunday afternoon I had to walk to the local chemist and ask for worm medication after diagnosing myself on Dr. Google. I must have looked at about 100 mug shots of white, red and see-through worms on Google Image.

The pharmacist knows who I am, so when I told him that I needed some worm medication, he figured it was for my infant daughter. I had to embrace all my shame and tell him it was for a grown man who had worms.

I had to take something like half a pack of the worm-killing chocolate squares at a time, because the weight chart at the back of the box only went up to 30kg. What followed was the worst stomach pain I’d experienced since I ate a beef vindaloo and nachos in the same day.

We had had to clean every surface in our house because the worm eggs that are laid in your bottom are super-contagious. This certainly didn’t win me any brownie points with my wife. I also had to test myself for worm eggs for several weeks.

That was horrible. I can’t even repeat how I did it because I’m a gentleman. I’ll just tell you that it involved scotch tape.

This whole worm ordeal really shook me up. I was curious to know if this happens to other adults, so I interviewed a doctor who chose to remain anonymous. After she laughed at me, she told me that it’s “not unheard of, especially for adults with children, or pet owners.”

She recommended a treatment of over the counter medication, so it’s lucky that I didn’t try to burn the worms out with chilli sauce.

If I’d had worms inside for me at least 20 years, I must have destroyed a civilization of worms that were living in my intestines. Judging by the severe stomach pains, I probably killed off the Roman Worm Empire that had been living inside me. They probably had a Colosseum where they had worm gladiator battles and everything.

There have been two significant changes in my life since I flushed that horrible worm out of my life.

1. A huge positive is that the days of running through a department store frantically looking for a toilet to crap in are behind me. I’m probably still a little bit above average when it comes to trips to the bathroom, but hey, it’s good to be above average in something, right?

2. Unfortunately, I’ve had to change my diet, forever. For years, I didn’t realise that I was eating for two (probably hundreds). So, I treated my body like a garbage bin.

Now I eat tuna and four-bean mix every day for lunch.

What have I learned from the experience? Don’t look at the toilet bowl. Life is actually really gross when you look back. Maybe it’s best to continue living the lie that you have good genes, or that transfats don’t affect you.

I’ll leave you with this: If you’re going to the toilet to take a dump nearly every hour then maybe you have worms. Go see a doctor, take medicinal chocolate squares and get used to eating tuna salads.

You can see more of Jeff’s work on Twitter, Instagram, and his website.

This article was originally published on The Glow.

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