True or false: women without children are selfish and bitter.
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Proud Aunty & occasionaly Sparent, Eat, Pray , Love author Elizabeth Gilbert
Oh please.
Thank heavens for women without kids. Not only are they the ideal people to sit next to on planes but they also make excellent Sparents.
Throughout history, Sparents – spare parents – have played a vital role in the community, taking care of other people’s children when their real parents couldn’t. And they’re still doing it today, albeit not always in such dramatic circumstances.
When it comes to kids, there are three types of women: those who have them, those who don’t and those who shouldn’t even be around them.
It’s a pity then, when Mother Nature gets it wrong. Like when women with the desire and ability to be superb parents can’t reproduce due to biology or circumstance while others who should never be trusted with kids can pop them out more easily than you can spell DOCS.
Darwinism, you’re imperfect and Mother Nature sometimes you suck.
Among women without children, there are a million personal stories behind their childlessness and the emotional nuances of these stories range from pragmatism to devastation.
But not all these women are wringing their hands with regret or bitterness. Let’s bust that myth right now. Many have made peace with their childlessness and some never even had an internal battle to fight. Like global publishing phenomenon Elizabeth Gilbert, author of mega best seller Eat, Pray, Love.
Elizabeth has no kids and she wants you to know she’s fine with that. As she explains in her new book about marriage, Committed, the catalyst for her divorce was her reluctance to have children, something she assumed would be a deal-breaker in any future relationship. Then she met her current husband who was already a dad. His kids are grown and he’s done. Kitchen closed. Gas disconnected. And in this they are perfectly matched.
The other myth that proud Aunty Elizabeth is keen to dispel? Childless women are innately selfish. Again, not true. Of her own decision not to have kids, she points out there are many advantages to the community.
Childless women have been able to accumulate education and resources they otherwise wouldn’t have had if they’d had children. This time and income could then be put back into other people’s families “to pay for lifesaving operations, or to rescue the family farm, or to take in a child whose mother had fallen gravely ill.”
The world is filled with Sparents and recent history reflects that. Coco Chanel, John Lennon, Leo Tolstoy, Truman Capote and all the Bronte sisters were all raised by their childless aunts. Bless them.
Thankfully, most Sparents aren’t required to actually raise anyone else’s kids in 2010. Their role is rarely that drastic. Your average modern Sparent is usually just a positive influence, offering a different, less fraught perspective to mum and dad.
And the role of caring, responsible adult in a kid’s world should never be underestimated. It’s vital.
Sparents are able to dote on your child and connect with them in a way that’s often impossible as a parent, particularly as they become teens. This is because your coolness is inversely proportional to the age of your child. The younger they are, the cooler you seem. By the time they hit their teens, you are a walking embarrassment that knows nothing about anything (FYI, for self-esteem purposes, I highly recommend babies and toddlers who rate their parents somewhere between Bono and God. With kids of wildly different ages, right now I’m in the unique position of simultaneously being Bono and Bozo the Clown).
Last month I had dinner with a fabulous single girlfriend who is staring down the barrel of childlessness. She never expected to reach this point but for whatever reason, the planets have not aligned to make her a mother.
When I asked how she felt about it, she thought for a moment and then she told me about her relationship with her god-
daughter. They are incredibly close, have frequent sleepovers and for this little girl, who has two siblings very close in age, my friend is a special source of one-on-one love and attention.
In return, my girlfriend has been able to discover what it feels like to love and nurture a child and to experience that love in return. “I feel like I have such a connection with her that I’ve experienced that level of unconditional love parents talk about,” she said while proudly showing me photos of the little girl on her phone.
I’m already laying Sparental foundations for my children’s teenage years, making sure there are plenty of nurturing, responsible adults around to steer them through any issues they don’t want to discuss with their embarrassing parents.
My own aunt had her son later in life, which was excellent for me. I was able to benefit from the full force of her love and attention throughout my childhood in a way I wouldn’t have been able to do had she’d had kids earlier. Now a mother herself, she is still a Sparent to me and, in a beautiful piece of generational symmetry, her adult son has become a Sparent to my own son.
Apparently, he is far less embarrassing than me.
Are you Sparent? Were you raised by a Sparent or did you have Sparents in your life growing up?
How important do you think it is to have nurturing, responsible childless adults in the lives of children and in the community?
And finally, how do you think society perceives women without kids?
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This is just a kind of funny article, I’m thinking, not to be taken too seriously! The thing that often gets overlooked about children or none, but something I see with most of my friends without, is that not all of us meet the man we want to have children with! I’m one of them too. I don’t really think I was “too fussy”, just had a horrible knack of attracting the wrong kind of guys – and not men I’d want as a husband or father to my children.
There was a lot of grief involved in the fairytale not coming true, and some of that grief caused me to avoid happy family situations – which caused some friends to think I was “selfish” and not giving them/their children enough of my time.
It was a pretty sad time for me! I do like children, as a rule, but nothing can ever really replace having your own.
I think it’s easy for people to generalise about women that don’t have children, but in reality their reasons and lives are as different as women that do have children, and I think we should all respect each others’ feelings. Women without children have ‘em too, and nobody wants to be a “spare” anything!
Is it “selfish and bitter” to feel grief? I don’t think it is! I didn’t share it around, I just avoided situations that made me feel too sad to keep going. Now I’m okay, but I’m wary of those who don’t understand.
Just thought I’d add in another aspect of it all!
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Wow….I’m relatively new to this site and am kinda blown away by the whole motherhood vrs childless-by-choice thing. I always thought of women who chose to have children as being very secure in themselves, the ultimate feminists, so to speak. But many of the comments are so defensive, like there is a definite chip on the proverbial shoulder. It’s a little scary.
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@Jivey
well, you only can hear or read so many times that your own life, your own lifestyle, your own instincts and your own choices are less valid, less real, less ‘virtuous’, less meaningful and less fulfilling before you grow a chip on the shoulder of your very own.
A lot of non-childed women are very secure in themselves (be they childless or childfree). Being defensive or ‘defending’ when someone says negative things about your lifestyle is not necesaary a sign of not being comfortable with your own choices.
It can mean that, like myself, you are a natural enemy of and predator against, social ‘sacred cows’ and illogical assumptions being put forward as self evident truths. I love ripping these to shreds with objective criticism,
it can also mean that you have heard just as much as you can take of people tearing down your own personal choices. A lot of people get non stop sh-t about these choices in their day to day lives as well as online. Being comfortable with your own choices does not mean that you cannot eventually get pissed off and fight back.
Secondly, as an addition to the above. Just because you have , and know you have, made the right choice for you does not mean that you are going necessarily to start
out being comfortable with it. You may have to grow into it. Hearing constant criticism and dire predictions about how you are going to regret it later can therefore give you doubts and upset you – even if you gave made the right choice for you.
i have no natural desire to reproduce – a lack of desire on the same instinctual level that other women feel the desire to do so.
However , there are a hood number of childfree/childless people who are not like me – they actually do have a desire to have children but – have made a strong personal choice not to have them for reasons of conscience (career, diseases, bad genes, mental illness, environment, etc) that would mean that fir them to have children would be wrongful.
These people can and do suffer over this choice
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I had my tubes tied when I was 26 years old because I never wanted children. Now, I’m 45 and it was the best decision in MY life. I will not date a man with children. I do not care if that child is 40 years old and lives in Montana. I do not like them. Call me selfish, so what. It is my life. All I know is that the freedom I have had is priceless. However, I just love cats.
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“The other myth that proud Aunty Elizabeth is keen to dispel? Childless women are innately selfish. Again, not true. Of her own decision not to have kids, she points out there are many advantages to the community.”
Why does someonne have to justify not having kids and prove that it is not ‘selfish’ (according to whose definition of ‘selfish’?) any more than the women who does want to have children needs to justify that desire?
And why do I have to claim “advantages to the community” to have my reporductive urges (or lack thereof) be valid? Most women I know who want children do not first and foremost think of the “advantages to the community” when deciding to try to have kids. They decide according to their own desires and intincts. No-one judges them for that or tells them that THEY are selfish for deciding to have children because theydesire to have them – why should I be judged as selfish or have to defend the validity of my choice not to have children because I lack the desire to have them.
If the desire to have children is valid as an instict in its own merits, then so is the lack of desire to have them.
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as a mother, motherhood is overrated.
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Hi –Author of Families of Two here…what a great post! I have interviewed hundreds of childfree people and many, and I mean many, are some version of Sparent, or godmother/father, mentor, or the like and play important roles in children’s lives. A common myth is that we don’t like kids…while this is true for some, it is definitely not true for lots of us. The only difference is that we do not want our lives to revolve around the parenting process. If you believe the “it takes a village” idea, we’re part of that. How does society see the childfree? Lots to answer there…see me at http://lauracarroll.com
~Laura
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WooHoo – you got linked on Feministing Mia! Well done!
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Ouch…… (taken from jezebel)
Wow, a new hybrid word that I absolutely hate. Sparent.
No, I’m not a “spare” parent, thank you. I’m a childless-by-choice woman. I may love my nephews and god-sons to bits, but I don’t feel remotely parental towards any of them.
This article is so condescending it’s incredible. The implication that if we choose not to have our own children we can redeem our selfishness by being a “spare” that those selfless enough to bring life into the world can rely upon is patronising and smug to the extreme.
It’s like all those women who, after finding out you’ve chosen not to have children, feel compelled to rant on about how there is no greater joy or job in the world than being a mother. That may be the case for them, but way to crap all over my life choice, smug bitch!
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i don’t agree that the implication of the article is that you can redeem yourself from selfishness by becoming a sparent. it is an acknowledgment of those people who CHOOSE to develop close relationships with children. it is not a compulsory role.
i think we don’t give children enough credit for their ability to work out who is interested and who isn’t. as i have said i have women in my life (with and without children) who show no interest in them. and they get that in return. children are attracted to people who are interested in them, as they should be.
i chose to have children. it was my choice so i ignore people who look down upon me or who think i have done the wrong thing. you chose to not have children and should do the same. i don’t care what people think, i am comfortable with my choice.
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I completely agree – how condescending! I hate to shock mothers the world over but those of us without children often choose to be that way and – brace yourselves – don’t think you’re children are the light of the world and certainly don’t want to play the role of a Sparent in raising them. I adore my nieces but I am not hired help to take care of them when their parents decide it’s a bit much.
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I also HATE the term ‘sparent’. So patronising. It is terrible.
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I am one of those women who never got to have children but I love kids and young people. it is the reason I became a basketball coach and now an academic. I am a sperant to the kids of two of my close friends and my nephew. I love to play with their kids but i also seek to connect with them so help them work through problems so they can be grown up and have the solutions for their parents.
I think that it is a two way street. I do not want to be a boring selfish 40 something who does the same thing all the time and the kids in my life make sure I will never be that!! The only thing I will leave behind is the good I have done in other people’s lives as my DNA dies with me
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I consider myself childfree rather than childless; and very happily so. I do get tired of the assumption that every woman wants children and is somehow barren or unfulfilled without them. I don’t need a godchild or special relationship with a child to give my life meaning.
I don’t think the word selfish is relevant in the have/don’t have kids discussion. Bringing more kids into an over-populated world isn’t done for anyone other than the parents. Each to their own, but which ever route you choose, or end up in through circumstance, try to do it well and enjoy it as much as you can.
I do feel for those with or without children who didn’t want the situation they’ve ended up in.
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I’m with you 100%. I work in a child-focused industry, and don’t have children myself for a variety of reasons. Always interesting to hear the conversation come to a screaming halt when I answer the inevitable questions that those with children seem to feel compelled to ask those without. ‘Yes, married happily for 15 years and no kids…’ and no, I don’t love or hate all kids as if they were a sub species to be lumped together either. Connecting with children is the same as connecting with anyone else – some you do, some you don’t.
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So well said! I’m the same. Married what would be considered late in life (40′s) and no kids. I can’t believe how many people who I’ve just met, feel compelled to ask if I have kids and then go on to talk incessantly about their own.
I am child free because that’s just the way it turned out. I also have a friend who seems to think I’ve definitely “missed” something or am deficient somehow, because I have no children.
…and I am no-one’s Sparent, in fact I’m not very keen on that word because to me at least, it implies that I’m there as an add-on, like the socks you buy with three in a pack…just in case one goes missing.
No thanks
In fact, I’m getting tired of the “merged” made up words that some people seem to think are so clever these days.
Whoever comes up with these, please stop.
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My partner and I have never wanted children and are sick of being asked at every bloody party, wedding, christening or gathering “When are you going to have children?” You’ve been asking us for twelve years! Give up people! PLEASE!!!
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iam a mummy to 2 children. 7 and 2. but I also see myself as a sparent. My sister passed away 4 yrs ago leaving behind 3 children. They are living with my Mother, but because she is not with the “times” as they say, my eldest niece has always come to me for advice, a chat, or just time out from the craziness of her home. Iam glad Iam so close to her, or I wouldnt have realised something was wrong. I encouraged her to visit a doctor and she was diagnosed with depression. She is 16 now, and she still comes to me for advice and to talk to me about things that she feels she cant with my mother.
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Without having read all of the 200+ comments, but having read the article, I do think that there are two different topics colliding here. One is about ‘sparents’, the other is about women who do not have children. On the latter subject, commenters seem to not differentiate much.
Twitchy’s view: Of those women who do not have children, a) some haven’t had them yet, b) some choose never to (‘child-free’) and c) some do not choose at all to end up that way (in other words, ‘child-less’…those who may be privately heartbroken and quietly devastated or sadly out of time). THEY know which they are, you don’t always. And now I refer to those who CHOOSE NOT to: some child-free people are ‘just not that into’ other people’s kids at all, which is also their choice, not to be sparents! I can respect this. It doesn’t make them bitter by default, just not that way inclined, like me and…sport!
I love to open my mind to new subjects and great discussions (love the term ‘sparent’, don’t know any, where can I find one please?) But other subjects around at the moment such as ‘pregnant women are smug’ (hilarious song, serious premise) alongside ‘childless women are selfish’, feel to me like ‘Madonna & Whore’ lite. “If you’re not this (extreme), then you must be this (extreme)”. Nothing I despise more than a supersized label-ist generalisation! And women do get them, don’t they?
Perhaps it’s just my own currently skewed perspective (underslept, undersocialised, underdressed, under-outsourced, underrated?, underpaid)- and all pesky side-effects of a life choice I made- that has got me thinking: if anyone has anything to be smug about, it’s those vibrant career ladies who choose to be child-free! This position may have such life perks as… disposable income, travel, social life, job satisfaction, personal grooming upkeep, peaceful immaculate home, choices, no working mother guilt, no parenting judgement, noone screaming and bashing them over the head with a toy on a hellish plane trip to a “holiday” where NOONE rests, noone waking them up in the middle of the night unless its for some great sex that they’re not too tired for etc etc etc I could go ON! Or could I be dreaming…(of SATC reruns…..?)
NOT that I would ever give my devil-darlings back, mind- they’ll come good one day I just know it, but at times while under public gaze, at the mercy of yet another humiliating 3 y.o. turn, I sure can whiff that greener grass from here…and it looks mighty lush. *Oh to have an uninterrupted meal/night’s sleep/thought process/bowel movement….*
No judgement here. And yet below…
Lastly, if ANYONE can be accused of being selfish, it’s those people TOO FREAKIN’ STUPID to be parents, who ARE! How to stop idiots from breeding, I ask?
Ok, I’m done, thanks.
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underslept, undersocialised, underdressed, under-outsourced, underrated?, underpaid
wow i think you just described exactly how i feel!
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“disposable income, travel, social life, job satisfaction, personal grooming upkeep, peaceful immaculate home”
Content in my childlessness, but this is *way* off a description of my life (well, except for the ‘travel’ bit).
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Hi Lulu, it was just an urban example for contrast (note reference to dreaming of SATC). The same applies to being able to choose your work, be it on the other side of the globe, like the satisfaction gained from making a difference in giving aid or medical treatment to those in poor countries, sparing animals from cruelty or extinction….etc etc etc – all mutually exclusive to staying unpaid at home with kids for years. I’ve always loved the idea of helping out at an elephant orphanage. Sometimes I just wish I could do both.
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Lovely comments – except the one about no parental judgement if you don’t have kids – what about all those yearning comments about grandchildren that float the way of the child free?
Sad to say the home isn’t always that immaculate either! Bang on about stopping idiots from breeding, though. Nobody makes you pass a licence to do that, sadly. Good luck with the 3 year old tanties….
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Im childless by circumstance rather than choice courtesy of fertility dramas.since the moment my hubby and i said ‘i do’ we have been inundated by the question ‘when are u having kids?’, which then progressed to ” why havnt u had kids yet?” at first it was a novelty, which quickly wore off as even people i barely know feel entitled to ask the question, and even me refusing one alcoholic drink at a party once was enough to start the “oooooh…shes pregnant” calls. its a question i have come to truely hate, particularly since i found out i was reproductively challenged, now the question just kinda feels like rubbing salt into the wound, but of course the people who ask it dont know about any of the dramas so u cant really get mad at them!!
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I hear you Anna. (See para 2 of rant above).
My best xox
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Completely with you on this one! I was in exactly the same position for 5 years – married, no kids and unspoken fertility dramas. Got SOOOO fed up with people asking and making judgement calls! BTW – we finally did manage to have our adorable twins 18mts ago and, guess what…. people now ask when we’re having the next one! Groan…
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I think being a parent or not being a parent has very little impact on how selfish and bitter a person is.
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Ok I haven’t read all the comments and I’m sure this’s already been said, but many women are childless by choice because they have other priorities in their lives than raising kids- theirs or someone elses. It seems to me that some(certainly not all) people who do have children are very keen to label people who freely choose to have rich, fulfilling and enjoyable lives without children as ‘selfish’ because it helps them to feel morally superior and to rationalise their own decision to have kids. I chose not to have kids because I find satisfaction in so many other things – my partner, my friends and family, my dogs my career, travel, freedom and time to myself – not because I want to hang around being a ‘sparent’ for someone else’s kids. How patronising to assume that childless women have no meaning in their lives and are all just yearning to approximate parenthood in whatever manner possible.
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I couldn’t have said it better myself Lou. And for the record Mia, childless women HATE sitting next to mothers with their children on planes. At all times. ALWAYS.
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I think ALL people, mothers or not, hate having to sit next to children on planes because most children don’t travel well, understandably – many adults dont. Why can only childfree people object to this? I also object to smelly people, people who don’t ahem fit into their seat and people who want to tell me their life story. I don’t think you need to come from a particular set of circumstances to hate sitting next to a certain kind of people. It seems pretty universal. The only difference being a mother makes is perhaps being a little understanding. But being understanding doesnt mean you want to sit next to them or dont groan when have to.
It’s just another stereotype that because you belong to a certain group, mothers, childfree, student, working, single, dating, city living, country living, you automatically LOVE everything about your group and you are all bonded in some bizzarre same-circumstance cult of mindless agreeance. This is what annoys me most about topics, and it seems to be on steroids when it comes to anything to do with having kids or not. Most people can see the legit issues people may have with their group, but it’s the crazy militant people who get all the press. Most people are pretty reasonable. Every sane mother knows their kid is likely to be pain in the effing ass on a plane. When I used to do regular longhaul with my mother when young my fathers company (an airline!!) had a policy of booking mothers in business, kids in economy. Oh yes even kids own mothers hate sitting next to their kids on a plane.
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really emma?
because when i was childless it didn’t bother me. i used to travel a lot for work alone so was often put next to mums with children. i always preferred it to sleazy blokes! i was always quite happy to chat to mums. so be careful not to throw around mass generalisations, we are all different!
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Where does it say that its sitting next to a childless/free woman on a plane with the kids?
There seem to be some massive assumptions being made about this post of Mia’s.
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Ditto.
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You can have inconsiderate people with kids and without. A part of respectful travelling on an aircraft is appreciating that its not all about you and you are sharing a very small confined space with lots of other people. Actually repsectful anything…..my latest whinge is cafes with communal tables. I was sitting at one with some girlfriends the other day having a chat and a coffee. There were other spare tables but 2 women with noisy toddlers in prams decided to sit RIGHT NEXT to us. At our table. Thats just rude.
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oh and we are not anti children – between us we have 12 of our own…
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I have few wonderful girlfriends that decided not to have kids, do not judge them, they are wonderful women, the day that we ( us women) respect each other decisions no matter how different is from our own choices, we can step up and make this world a better place for women,untill then, peace and love, love to all ooxx
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btw I have read both of Elizabeth’s books and loved them.
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If not having children is selfish, having children is even more selfish. How many times have you heard a parent say “my daughter/son makes me so happy”. Why should they make you happy? Why can’t you make yourself happy? or the old classic “I have so much love to give”. Usually said by teenage mothers, more like, you should be giving this love to yourself instead of having another kid you have no money or education/knowledge to raise.
I’m not anti children and hope to have some of my own some day but am sick and tired to death of the comments directed at women about having children ‘too late’ or not at all…
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I have lots of people in my life that make me happy. My husband, family, friends and my children. They enrich my life. I could probably find happiness without them but I think my life is happier with them in it. Humans are social animals after all.
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I think you misunderstood my point.
Most people (unless they are extremely unforunate) have friends and family and most women will eventually have a husband (or defacto) at some point during their life. It’s almost a given. I doubt there are few ppl who say they want to be single for the rest of their lives.
Meanwhile, to have a child, still is (and should be) a decision. At least in those of us smart enough to make it a decision.
I’m not saying you, or Mia, or anyone else on this blog is like this… but… there are plenty of women out there who will go and have a kid simply because their own life is so boring and because their career is non-existent. And also maybe their relationship with their partner is not crash hot but they don’t care…
They believe that by simply having a baby will solve all their problems (of insecurity and low self esteem). So when the baby comes into the world they “make them happy” (as per my original post) but it’s just a temporary high (much like compulsive shopping or plastic surgery). That’s why these people become addicted to having more and more children, to buying more and more expensive things they don’t need, and getting more and more surgery to “feel good about themselves” when they have never addressed the REAL problem deep down!
Also women who use babies as a means of ‘saving’ their marriage make me sick!
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my daugher has two wonderful aunty sparents, one of whom lives close by and is the best grown up friend my 4 year old can imagine…joy all round and babysitter on tap..happy days
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And some of us Sparents end up with stepkids!
That’s what the love of a good man will do to ya… except I don’t want to be Mum Mark II (Mum Mark I is still about and doesn’t need replacing), but being the big mate is pretty darn cool.
You don’t have to give birth to pay it forward (think it is Pass it Forward in Oz?).
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Not only are sparents (love that term, good one Mia) fabulous but they are helping an already overpopulated planet to balance out a bit. I had a great-aunt who was a sparent, a career woman actually who never married because after the war there werent many men and she was a very fussy Virgo lol. I loved her apartment in Mosman where I was served lemonade in a cut crystal whisky glass with a red salmon sandwich cut in triangles on Willow pattern china while she told me stories of her once glam life while I played with her jewellery.
She was so special to me, and to my Mum growing up too. My daughter is named Maya in honour of my incredible Aunty May, god love her.
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Lucky, lucky girl. Wish I’d had an Aunt like that- wish I’d had an Aunt!
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I have kids, and I so value the women (and men) in my life who don’t! They provide such a different (usually calmer)”non-parent” perspective for my kids, and appreciate them in a way that I am sometimes not able to. My sister came over to my place yesterday and took my older two out for icecream, then came back with them 2 hours later, everyone full of love. She is an angel.
It’s also great being able to talk about life, not just kids, with people. Often I find that with other mums/dads, the common ground of kids is a conversational lure we can’t resist. With people who aren’t parents we can talk about NORMAL things like movies and masterchef! Sometimes that’s a relief.
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i am 32, no kids, and have a lovely partner but not sure having kids will be the right decision for me. we’ll see. but i think it’s silly people having kids because they feel they ought to or should do…. to be honest i know a lot of older women (my mother included) who say they love their kids to bits but if they could it again they would probably do it differently. anyway – i think people who have kids because they just think they should is kind of selfish in a way – moreseo than not having them at all. heck – the planet is OVERPOPULATED people!
xx
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I take that “do it differently” as in that they would still have kids but maybe younger or older, or kept breastfeeding longer or didn’t lose my rag so often! Or do you mean that they are saying that if they could do it again they wouldn’t have kids??? That would mean you wouldn’t be here!
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I wanted to add how nice it is to finally see/hear what I have been feeling and have never found in my group of friends and acquaintances.
I have always felt out of place and different for my feelings on not having children.
I know that this article is not about that but thanks Mia for making me feel like I’m not alone with this.
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I know what you mean!
When I tell people I don’t think I want kids, they look at me like I’m mental.
I feel your pain!
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When I tell people that I don’t want to have kids (usually in response to some nosy question!), I’ll often get the raised eyebrow, the arch half-smile and the comment ‘oh, you’ll change your mind!’ Um…Excuse me? Patronising much? Wonder how those women would feel if just once I had the gall to reply (as I dream of doing) ‘Oh really, so have you changed your mind about wanting your children then?!’
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What the hell is with that, the ‘oh you’ll change you mind?’. I don’t appreciate it at all.
Will I change my mind because I’ll start panicking at the sounds (currently silent) of my biological clock? How is that a great reason to have children.
Interestingly enough as well, I do find it’s only people with children who seem to want me to have children so much. I know I’m generalising, but it’s the way I see it.
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Agreed it is a very nice feeling
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And finally, how do you think society perceives women without kids?
– well, seeing as this post seems to suggest that women who don’t have kids aren’t selfish as they still have a role to play in bringing up / the development of children in the family / community…. I would say “negatively”.
Why?
Why should women have to be involved with children at all in order to be considered as ‘not selfish’?
Why is the ‘children’ element so fundamental to a woman being considered to be ‘selfish’ or ‘not selfish’?
What about dedicating one’s life to charity, aid work or even work that benefits society that doesn’t involve children? Does that mean you are still a selfish barren old maid? Just coz you didn’t tick the ‘involvment with children’ box?
Urgh urgh urgh.
As a 26 year old with no maternal feelings what-so-ever but with a desire to make a positive difference in the world I find this notion disturbing.
— Mia it is quite possible that this isn’t what you meant, but the slant of the story certainly suggests it to me.
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sorry if I sounds a bit raaaaaaaaaaaa, I am glad this topic has been brought up.
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Totally agree! And that’s coming from a currently pregnant chick. I think those attitudes are part of the reason I put things off for so long. Many of my friends are absolutely Childfree, and some don’t particularly like being around kids. It doesn’t make them any less female or any more selfish than any other woman. In fact, I’d wager they’re a hell of a lot LESS selfish than the women I see carrying around their 3 or 4 kids like they were Prada bags.
Do your own thing, without apology!
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I believe that nobody should judge another person’s situation or decision – least of all until they have the full story.
My ex partner and I tried to have children for three years. I became obsessed with the prospect. This pressure, amoung another things, caused us to split up.
I am now turning 39 this year, single and without children.
As a single Australian woman it is impossible for me to adopt and the government wants to keep tightening the laws on donor sperm.
“Women without children are selfish?” Who’s who to judge?
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Sorry to hear Tash, generalisations suck and the adoption laws here do suck too. Just not fair. Best wishes to you, x
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Having a baby is hard work and as a society, we shoud not be pushing the selfish stereotype on people choosing not to have children. Not everyone is a baby person and we should be applauding the decision of non-baby people NOT having babies. How many times have you seen pregnant women unwilling to give up drinking, smoking or other harmful activities? How many of them are having a child simply because they think they should rather than because they really want that child. Also think of the mums that are shoving their kids in childcare because playing with children is not their cup of tea. It is not a pre-requisite that you have a child just because you have reproductive organs. It is also not fair on the children who don’t get all of the love and support they deserve because they were born out of society pressure or any reason other than because they were truly wanted.
I had a baby later in life because only now can i give all of myself and all of the love in the world to my baby. To have had a baby earlier (as I was pressured to do) would have been the most selfish thing to do
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I dont think not wanting to have my own children makes me a non-baby person. I would love to make a difference to the lives of many children in my career, but I dont necessarily feel the desire to be a mother
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“… Sparent is usually just a positive influence, offering a different, less fraught perspective to mum and dad…”
Bravo bravo, that is EXACTLY what a family needs. I am blessed that my sister doesn’t have children (never wanted to) so she is our Sparent. And a good one too. My children have a great relationship with her, it would have been very different if she had had children of her own.
In a bizarre family twist, both my husband’s brothers have unmarried sisters-in-law (are you still all following??) who are Sparents for those families. Tongue in cheek my SILs and I think that all children should have a spinster aunt!! Not that we would EVER call our sisters spinsters!!
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Mia, I love your term “sparents”. I agree with other comments too, that just because you are childless, doesn’t mean you have to become a sparent, in order for you to feel like you are worthwhile person in society – (and I am sure you agree with this too).
I read Committed by Gilbert recently and I related so much to the passage about her being an aunt, that I wrote a blog about it (sorry, I don’t mean to be spammy, I just wanted to share with the Mama Mia readers about my realisation that I am a sparent, and how much I adore the role. In a nutshell, my niece Emily, is the love of my life.
http://gaynoralder.com/2010/04/11/book-review-committed-by-elizabeth-gilbert/
Needless to say, I am super excited to learn that my Mum will be bringing her over on another holiday to Melbourne (she lives in Perth) after she recently said, “Nanna, I want to go back to Melbourne because I miss spending time with my Aunty Gaynor”. Now, that’s where it’s at for me
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I’m surprised by the crankiness of some of the posts here. I really liked the article and thought it was just highlighting one of the many benefits for families and society in general of childfree adults and one of the ways that those adults can find meaning and enjoyment in their lives. It’s lovely to have multiple good adult role models when growing up and extremely beneficial to everyone — but not compulsory by any means.
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Love you r comment, agree with you, love ooxx
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It’s just that the tone of Mia’s post (perhaps unintentionally, or perhaps I’m misinterpeting) sets up a dischotomy between women who have kids and women who don’t but act as ‘sparents’ or positive role models to othe people’s kids. Unfortunately the perfectly legitimate third alternative – women who don’t have kids, don’t want kids and aren’t interested in spending time around children at all – is still seen as kind of taboo or unfeminine.
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I live in a small rural community and the idea of sparents is a big part of how we operate. I believe in the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and I am very lucky to be in a community where our kids are children of the community not just my husband and I. We all look out for our ‘tribe’ and offer help wherever needed.
Not only are my kids going to get the best balance of experiences in life learning from a great range of people but it also makes me a better Mum to constantly look outside our own family unit and be able to take ‘time out’ when needed.
We were faced with the possibility of not being able to have children and when contemplating this I said we needed to make a decision and ‘shut the door’ on it and if ti was a no – focus on being the best sparent, aunty, god parent we could.
I feel blessed that we were in the end able to have children of our own but either role is rewarding for its own reasons. Its all about perspective.
Rural communities is the best place to be a sparent!
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But what if the childfree members of your rural community do not wish to be part of that village raising someone else’s child? I suspect those people would be looked down upon as selfish.
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Well I guess its up to the childfree members isn’t it? Sounds like being part of this community involves everyone taking part, which is what I understand being part of a community to mean. So if you don’t want to contribute to the community, don’t.
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Yeah I see what you mean eyeswideshut. To tell youthe truth I personally have never really thought of anyone in our community without kids, or not wanting to have kids as selfish… I have never even thought about it further until I read this article and comments. But I am sure for some it may be their opinion.
I think most people have the understanding that everyone has their ‘thing’ in life. Some people love kids, some love horses, others are obsessed with their art or sport. If you’re not into kids that’s cool, I’m not into horses. I know that sounds really trivial and a bit crude but taking it back to its essence I think thats fine.
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i disagree, as a parent i would never force my children onto someone who clearly doesn’t want to be around them. believe me, i have had enough experience with that in my family. if you don’t want a relationship that is fine. i don’t actually want my children around people who don’t want to be around them. too complicated for everyone, especially the children.
however, as part of a small community wouldn’t there be some expectation that you play a part in some aspect of the community life? if you declined all community involvement then yes, you would probably be labelled as selfish.
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I found this article so refreshing. As a 31 year old woman who doesn’t want children of my own, I find that many people just don’t get it. They assume I am selfish, career driven, hate children or will change my mind when I meet ‘the one’. None of these are true.
I love kids and I’m lucky to be an auntie to 3 gorgeous boys and 2 beautiful girls. We have a great time together and I like to think that I provide something extra in their lives and a different perspective from their parents (plus I am more fun!). I have the best of both worlds – I get the cuddles, laughs, tears and tantrums and then I also have the peace and quiet of my childfree life.
I look forward to the day when women can live their lives as they choose without the judgement of others!
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Lovely response, em!
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Thank You for saying exactly whats on the tip of my tongue but much more eloquently! I also get the “oh she’ll change her mind when she meets Mr Right” Drives me batty.
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I couldn’t have put it better myself!
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I want to give a shout-out to all the male spearents out there – Mia’s post is all about the women but as a girl with a dad who’s involvement in my life was .. well, shall we say patchy, my godfather and uncles have been SO important in my life. In their relationships they have provided a model of how I should expect to be treated by a man, they have done stuff with me that just wasn’t up mum’s ally (bless my science nerd uncle who will dabate the latest New Scietist article with me for hours while mum’s eyes glaze over!) and have generally just been lots of fun. Children, boys AND girls, need good male role maodels and for too many of us our sparents are the best we have!
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