When living overseas goes from glamourous to a grind.
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Group Therapy time where we get to use our collective wisdom to help a Mamamia reader solve a dilemma. Karen* writes….
I’m very torn about living overseas. I feel the UK has never been my home and we’ve almost lived here 10 years. My husband loves it, he hasn’t visited home for 7 years but I need to go back at least every 2 years just to find myself because I don’t feel like me over here, is that weird?
Have you ever lived overseas and really felt like you aren’t being yourself, or you miss things like Sportsgirl, local newspapers etc? I approached him a few days ago to ask him what our plans for the next year or so are and I mentioned the economy is improving and when it was a good time for the housing market to sell, we should sell and go back because 10 years is a long time and our parents are older and we live so far away and he immediately said “we’re NOT moving back to Australia!”
I’m really unhappy and feel I’ve lost what I loved about myself and everyday I cry about missing everyone, things I liked doing and being Home. Home is very important to me so I’ve not really been settled over here. Sydney’s my Home.
Do I follow my dream to be happy and if that means leaving my husband should I be putting myself first, or should I wait it out a little bit to see if he decides to change his mind? I’ve actually been torn about this for a couple of years and spoke to my Mum about it and she said “a wife’s place is with her husband and if that means he wants to live in the UK then you have to stick by his decision.” I can see what she means because I don’t want to break up our marriage but really, why can’t my happiness be considered? Why am I always bending over backwards to make the relationship work and feeling like a failure? It stresses me out and could also be contributing to why I can’t get pregnant, although I know that’s hurt him a lot and I think its driving us apart as well as lack of communication, lack of time spent together, him always working.
The other big thing is a few years ago he had an affair, he said it barely went anywhere but since then I really can’t trust and feel a big piece of me is being made a fool of. As they says once a cheater always a cheater so should I just follow my heart or give him time to come around? My best friend says I should just tell him I’m going or just not tell him and move back but we’ve been together 15 years and I feel I need to be honest and loyal to him or the past 15 years will all be for nothing.
Living outside of Australia is not its all cracked up to be and its making me miserable. What do you suggest?
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Hi Karen,
I just wanted to say I wish you all the best.
I too am in a similar situation. So rest assured you are not alone!
My husband is English and I’m Australian. He has always proposed for us moving back to the UK in 2012 (pretty much since we arrived in Oz). Which by then would make 6 years of living in Australia for us. As 2012 draws near, I have such mixed feelings for the UK. Partially because of my in-laws and the very thought of leaving my family and friends behind saddens me. But hey…we come from different countries…what are you going to do??
Anyway things have kind of turned for hubby and I recently. Well not recently, we have been going in circles to be honest through out our 4 year marriage. We are either really good and focused on our future or really bad and we say dramatic things to each other and act cold towards each other. Hubby says there is something missing in our relationship. He feels different towards me/us. I have similar feelings too. I sense we have fallen out of love with each other. We have become matter of fact and maybe even more like house mates? There are parts of hubby I like and I miss but there are also parts of hubby I don’t even like as a person. I’m still figuring it out.
Hubby has now proposed to move back to the UK in 2011 – on his own for a year. Plain and simple it’s a separation. I’m so hurt by this. But I figured if he chooses to go there is not much I can do. How does the saying go “if you set someone free…” Maybe a trip to Oz for you might clear things for you?
Oh and the maybe baby situation for you. I’m there too. I have suffered two miscarriages recently and now struggling to fall pregnant, one year on. I wonder if I had a baby would it clear things up for hubby and I? And we start working like a team, like we use too? If we did have kids either in Oz or the UK I don’t think it would matter WHERE – as long as I have kids I will be happy. I understand you are not trying to have a baby to save your marriage but perhaps it might gel things? That’s how I fell sometimes (most of the time)…but then again maybe we aren’t meant to have kids. Only time will tell.
Again Karen you are not alone…much love from Melbourne!
xA
PS I use to live in Sydney…so I can understand why you are homesick.
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Your husband sounds like a control freak, and I don’t mean that lightly. Men like this often take their partners/wives away from friends and family so they have no support and therefore no power. It doesn’t sound like he will compromise at all and you are at his every whim to do what HE wants.
I know what I would do if I were you… (I have been there).
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Karen, I don’t think this is necessarily anything to do with living overseas, but rather in living happily in your relationship with your husband. That is the most important thing for you to decide. You must look after yourself, or it will tear you apart. Take some time out to decide what is right for you deep down – the right decision about where you live will follow through from that.
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I agree, it’s got nothing to do with England. Even if there was a Sportsgirl and Aussie supermarket nextdoor you’d still be miserable.
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Oh and to clarify, we started trying to have a baby 3 months after we married 13 years ago. We’ve not been trying for a couple of years so I wasn’t planning to get pregnant on the sligh. I have PCOS and Endometriosis and he has a low sperm count. I/we need to undergo ICSI or IVF and that’s too invasive on your body so coming to terms given my age and medical conditions that I won’t become a natural Mother.
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Firstly, thanks Mia for adding my story to Group Therapy and also to everyone whose posted a reply
I want to say thanks for your comments and suggestions.
I posted this story last month and I’ve had some time to reflect and I think that was a particularly bad day for me as Hubby was stressed about a work deadline and I guess (not making excuses for him) but I should’ve known that it wasn’t the time to get any kind of positive response from him about it.
We’ve had a few big rows over this and we’ve also had some deep and meaningful conversations and he said the reason he likes it here is financial as well as Europe is on our doorstep and I can agree with that and he also doesn’t like the Summer heat.
When we lived in Sydney we were renting and it seemed like both our wages paid rent, bills etc and we couldn’t even afford new furniture. We had a very small wedding as its all we wanted and could afford and we not once went on a holiday because we just couldn’t afford it. He didn’t meet my parents until 3 months before the wedding as they live overseas.
Here in the UK we have a 2 bedroom cottage in the country (5 minutes from a railway station and shops). We bought a brand spanking new car in 2002 and we’ve been to the US, Norway, Germany, France several times, we’ve been on two major holidays onboard the QE2 and the Queen Victoria and I understand those things would never have been achieved in Oz.
I still dearly miss my friends and family and we communicate though facebook, texts, emails etc but its not the same. I also miss my fave Aussie shops and since the new Westfield opened in West London I felt lost but now that’s opened I’ve been there quite a few times and its felt like a bit of comfort from home has arrived).
I’m also busy planning a couple of weeks holiday back home for September and October and will see if that gives me what I need to feel a little better.
I have since posting that story last month, started doing more things on my own if I felt like shopping I went shopping, if I felt like going horse-rising I went horse-riding and have started leaving the house a bit more (that’s another story to tell later but I have lost a bit of confidence outside in the real world and in the past have also suffered from panic attacks in public) but haven’t had any of those for a couple of years.
To answer some of the questions in comments, I do have my own set of friends in London from my first and only job in the UK (we live 1 hour outside the capital) but due to Hubby’s suggestion 4 years ago (about the infertility issues and Doctor’s suggestions for me to go part-time or give up work) Hubby suggested giving up work so now I have all this time on my hands but now that I’ve realised I am the person to make things happen to satisfy myself, I’ve started doing crafting again and I’m really keen on photography so I’ve been out and about taking photos and creating a photogallery online for family to see what I’ve been doing.
I still haven’t decided what to do about missing home and wanting to move back. I guess I can stick it out a bit longer, to be honest I don’t have the guts to leave and start things new in Oz and the fact that I’m not young makes it even more of a hard decision to make as I’m well into my 40′s and my husband is 5 years younger. I guess he wants different things and so do I.
To be honest the affair was a setback in our marriage and I really don’t know why it happened or for how long or even if it got physical, the only thing that alerted me to it was late night phone calls made in our home office, hushed conversations when I walked into a room, leaving the room to answer text messages and once when we were on holiday on New Years Eve he said he had a headache and went back to the hotel early. My friend and I walked in on him in our hotel room talking on his mobile and as soon as we entered he hung up. The next day was when it all clicked and the girl in question (had pilfered my mobile number from his phone) and text me to say sorry to hear your marriage is over there are plenty more fish in the sea! I was reading that just inside going through Customs at the airport and I dropped everything I was carrying, I start crying and everyone around me thought I was loopy, it was afterall New Years Day!
Hubby got held up because he had his computer and they wanted him to switch it on and make sure it wasn’t a bomb etc so pulled him aside and that’s when he confessed, he straight out told me it never got physical it was more an online thing. To this day I don’t know if I believe that it was only an online thing and when I bring it up now things get heated. I chose to forgive him at the time but I will never forget it.
When we have arguements he’s the one who brings up money issues well you don’t work (my comeback is well you were the one who told me to give up my job so don’t you dare bring that up). We’ve been getting on of late and have made plans to spend more time together and are even going on a week’s holiday together in 2 weeks time.
I guess its not just my wants and needs and I have to put his feelings and thoughts into consideration, no I’m not wimping out I’m just seeing a little more of what’s best for both of us as when we do move back to Australia we have to start again, new bank account, new place to live, new jobs, new friends and I have it pretty good in the UK not working, travelling etc.
I’m going to give it until January to really try and give my Marriage a go and try and not see the UK for not being my home but to see it differently for what this Country has in terms of further education etc.
I recently renewed my Aussie passport and shockingly have also decided to become a British Citizen (only because I can then become a Dual National of Australia and the UK). I’m in the middle of getting my Right of Abode (which I can only haw a Right of Abode which expired in my last passport recently if my father was born here I could get a British passport, these rules seriously need readdressing.
Once I get this Right of Abode sorted am going to find a Visa Agency to help me get British Citizenship, then get a British passport which should make travelling within the EU a much better thing for me as I spend a lot of time in the All Passports queues but this doesn’t mean I’m renouncing Australia, it just means that I’m making it a little bit easier for myself travelwise.
I still call Australia Home!
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wow you have been through a lot. sounds like you are making positive changes in your life, good on you, i really wish you all the best x
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Karen it’s sounds as though you have had a hell of a time over the last few years.It’s ultimately up to you what you decide but it is never too late to give yourself a fresh start and be happy in your life.Maybe you should consider taking an extended holiday back home away from your husband to give you some perspective as to whether you keep working at your marriage(which has taken some knocks)or to move on in your life.
Best of luck to you Karen.I hope you find the answer that your homesick heart needs:)
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I think you got some wonderful advices below, sometimes to have a breack and come back and also have a breack from your husband can be a good thing, then you can make a good decision, I wish you the best and peace and love, love ooxx
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Just tell him that you have lived in the UK unhappily for 10 years and you cant do it anymore. Leave him with the choice to come with you or stay overseas. Tell him you have fully considered it and have supported his decision to be in the UK for the past decade and stayed with him despite his infidelities that he should at least be willing to give it a try for even a year then you can talk about it again. Life is too short to be unhappy or be filled with regrets. You have honestly given it a real shot but you will find coming back to your friends and family will be just what you need, even if its without him.
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Honey, first and foremost, your relationship priority should be with yourself, not your husband and if you are no longer happy where you are, then moving home should be a very serious consideration for you.
Secondly, relationships need compromise, however it’s meant to be equal for both parties. The fact that your husband is not even listening or willing to discuss the possibility of moving home (thus compromising), says a lot about where his priorities are (with himself and not with you or your marriage).
No one can tell you what to do, you need to find the answers within yourself, trust your heart and listen to your inner truth – are you really happy and is your husband really committed to your relationship TOGETHER (not just to his own agenda)? Sometimes the answers you find are hard to take, but in the end, following your heart will always lead to happiness. Good luck!
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I say tell him everything you just told us. And good luck!
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I think that if you have thought about leaving then it is a sign that things aren’t well. Maybe spend some time back in Aus, with your support networks and see how you feel then. Having people around you who love and support you may help make your decision. You may feel like you have all the support you need at home and feel confident to return on your own, or you may miss England and perhaps your partner and choose to stay.
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I’d have moved home as soon as he said his affair ‘barely went anywhere’. Move on, he’s holding you back from more than just living in Australia….just sayin.
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hmmm, he’s cheated and you’re not able to fall pregnant. two signs that you should leave him and move home. if you are so miserable (and I totally know how you feel, I’ve been in a miserable marriage) imagine how it will affect your kids.
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Pack you bags girl friend! If that man cares about you he will figure it out very quickly once you stand your ground. He is not being considerate of your feelings and time apart will make it very clear. It won’t be easy but it will make you grow.
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It think you need to work on your feelings about the affair and your relationship which is why you feel you can’t settle in the uk.
Honestly when i moved back to aus after a prolonged period away I struggled for years to fit back in here too and still struggle to sometimes even though i was desperate to come back. Coming back here will not fix your feelings.
I would be going to a counsellor first and dealing with your relationship issues before worrying about where you live.
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I agree, I think that maybe the personal struggles you have gone through in the UK may be contributing to your feeling that it isn’t home. Coming back to AUS won’t fix that, all those unresolved emotions/feelings will still be there – work on those first.
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Karen, my heart just breaks for you. I know how it is to be so unhappy and confused yet torn by love and loyalty. Like most people here I think the problem lies in your marriage, not necessarily where you live. The man you’ve described does not sound like he is showing you the consideration and respect that you deserve and you are affording him. Marriage is two people together, supporting one another. t is not a woman trailing after a self absorbed man who excuses his affair. When we excuse something we have done that is our way of ot taking responsibility for the hurt we have created. That’s minimisation of his wrong doing, so you have every reason not to trust him. We can only move on after these kind of betrayals when someone shows us that they really do regret their actions and know they must earn back our love and trust. It doesn’t sound like your husband has done this. Plus, it is not acceptable for him to declare you are never going back to Australia like he is the ruler of his own little fifedom. There’s two of you in this marriage – if he doesn’t care about what you need and how you feel then he’s not the one for you. And a baby, don’t even think about it. You’ll be tied to him forever and it won’t make things better, it will only create more strain. Please consider getting some personal counselling to work through your own feelings and marriage counselling for the two of you would be a great thing as well if you really want to save your marriage. All the best. xx
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Agreed. It’s not fair to bring a poor innocent baby into a marriage on the rocks.
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I lived in the UK for over 6 years. I met my bloke there. It was a great r’ship, and while we weren’t married, we were living together and it was getting increasingly serious.
From about the fourth year I started to feel particularly homesick. I stayed on, because he didn’t want to move his life to Australia. Yet as the months went by my homesickness started to eat into the rest of my life. I started experiencing panic attacks, and had constant anxiety. A doctor diagnosed mild depression and ultimately I felt like I was living as a pale reflection of myself. Most importantly, I started to resent him for ‘keeping me’ in the UK.
So, I left.
I told him I loved him, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him … but I figured – we either limp along here for another few years until I *really* lose it … or I make the leap for myself and see if he follows. I booked a ticket, packed up my life and moved home. It was nine months of really hard yards … the Australia of the ‘two week visit home’ is not the same Australia of ‘job searching and trying to re-start friendships’! But as I slowly began to regain my confidence, and happiness, the bloke turned up.
Five years later, we’re married and settled here and it’s me who asks if we’ll ever “go back”? He loves Australia and can’t see us moving in the foreseeable.
I think the point here, that many wise women have made before me, is you need to fix the relationship before you even worry about the country thing. Moving home sounds like the right thing to do for you, and I suggest doing it sooner rather than later. If you have a man who is a true life partner to you he should see how unhappy you are, and what compromises he’ll need to make for your life together.
Good luck x
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Oh Karen, I just want to give you a big hug and a Tim Tam. You sound so unhappy.
I think people have this built-up idea in their minds of how awesome it is to live overseas and then don’t understand how people don’t totally love it. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s better. I bitch and moan about Australia while I’m here, but everytime I come back from being overseas I get all choked up because it’s so good to be HOME.
Karen, from everything you have said, I think you need to get out while you can. Not to get all philosophical here but maybe you’re not getting pregnant because, not only are you stressed, but your husband isn’t the one. He’s had an affair, he’s disregarding your wishes and won’t even consider compromising. Not good. Yes, a wife’s place is with her husband but a husband’s place is also with his wife.
How can he ignore your tears? This level of unhappiness is so unhealthy and if he is ignoring it or not taking it seriously, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
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Oh my god, Karen. Your story is just so poignant and heartbreaking. I can hear the desperation seeping out of the screen…
Your situation is all too familiar to me. I spent ten years with a man who had affairs, showed me no respect, never compromised and was utterly selfish in that he only looked out for himself. And what happens, is that bit by bit, your self esteem is eroded, your sense of self is decimated and you have no confidence left in your ability to make sound decisions. I can hear in your voice Karen that you sound utterly diminished.
I have been separated from my ex partner for five years now and over time, I have regained my sense of self. I look back now on the woman I once was and want to cry for her. He absolutely controlled me, by undermining me in the subtlest, and not so subtle of ways.
I think that you know the answer. Think about the next 15 years and do you want this unhappiness to be the shadow that trails you?
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Yes, yes, yes to everything you said
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You put it perfectly. This is YOUR life, it’s the only one you get. Do you really want to limp through your life with this unhappiness hanging over your head? You’ll be living half a life and that is just tragic.
I was in a similar situation (although to a lesser extent, as I still lived in Aus) where I gave up my career, friends and life in Sydney and moved to a small, regional city to be with a man who I truly loved but who in hindsight, was completely wrong for me, not because he was intrinsically a bad person but because we had polarly opposite opinions on the important stuff, and he didn’t respect mine.
Because I didn’t have much of a network outside my relationship, I lost my self-esteem and in my mind he became the only thing worth holding onto in my life. I can’t say that everything about the relationship was bad, and I know that he absolutely loved more than he knew how to love anyone, but in the end I realised I was ignoring my non-negotiables, and I began to become a shrivelled, shell of a person I wasn’t proud to be, with this buried, seething resentment towards him even though I was too scared to let him go cause in my mind I had nothing else. It was like I’d been pecked to death by ducks.
The road to recovery was hard, but so so worth it. I look back on the five years I spent with him as though I’m looking at the life of a different person, and I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness for the broken person I was, and I feel the same for you.
Nothing is will make you stronger than re-building yourself from scratch. Your story makes me want to cry, but I think you know what the right thing to do is. It’ll be heartbreaking and exhausting and will take a while, but nothing is worth more than your happiness.
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If you leave, it might feel have “wasted” the last 15 years but each year that you stay you’re wasting another year. I think Em is right, I think in your heart you know what the right thing is for you and you just needed a little reassurance from the MMers
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Mate – the last thing I’d be doing in your situation is getting pregnant. That’s hard enough on a stable, happy relationship. It does sound a bit like the issue here might be deeper (the affair?) than just the fact that you are living overseas. Counselling – might be an idea. Or time out for you to come to Sydney and see what the real issues are. Be prepared to walk away from your marriage if you do that though – but if it doesn’t withstand that, perhaps it wasn’t there in the first place…?
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A little off topic but I don’t think shopping at Sportsgirl could compare even slightly with the shopping in the U.K.
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