The difference between love and infatuation.
You start saying very predictable things when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. Especially when you’re talking to people who are newly IN LOVE.
Note the caps lock. In this case, it doesn’t mean shouting. It means INTENSITY. The kind of INTENSITY you feel when you are newly IN LOVE.
This feeling is called infatuation and although it may feel intoxicating, it often leads to trouble because you don’t make good decisions in this state. Instead, you make spectacularly dumb ones.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert has written about this in her new book, Committed, the follow-up to the best-selling Eat, Pray, Love. The title refers to marriage rather than mental illness although in the infatuation chapter, the two sort of collide.
Reading it, I learned that the brain scans and mood swings of a cocaine addict are startlingly similar to those of an infatuated lover. Yes, infatuation is an addiction complete with chemical effects on the brain, measurable by scientists.
And just like a junkie, an infatuated person is blind to their future welfare. Physical and emotional risks? No problem. Whatever it takes. Love is the drug and they need some more.
According to Gilbert’s research, infatuation is most potent in a relationship’s first six months with anthropologists noting that many babies are conceived during this time (ooops etc). So possibly, infatuation is nature’s way of keeping us sexually reckless enough to ensure the survival of the species.
In the past year, a number of my male and female friends have begun new relationships. Bright, shiny, new relationships that make them EXTREMELY HAPPY.
This is a marvellous thing although it can be a little disconcerting to eat at restaurants with people who pash between courses and think they can put their hands up each other’s clothes without anyone noticing. I noticed.
Anyway, I’m genuinely happy for my friends and their hands and all their other happy parts. So why do I find myself trying not to frown as they giggle about not having spent a single night apart since they hooked up? Why do I silently ‘tsk tsk’ when they excitedly mention moving in together after two months? Or confess to being careless with contraception because ‘it just feels so right’?
The problem is that infatuation is often a crock. A mirage. “A trick of the endocrine system,” according to Gilbert who points out infatuation isn’t the same thing as love, “it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.”
That’s because in those early days, what you’re actually entranced with is the reflection of yourself in the eyes of someone who wants to sleep with you. It’s like two blank pages dazzling each other with potential. Only later do you notice all the fine print. Which is a major bummer if you are already pregnant or have matching tattoos.
The other problem with infatuation is speed. Generally, relationships that start fast also end fast. I’ve learned this the hard way and watched it happen to others predictably often. Some men have a particular tendency to hit the accelerator early, give themselves whiplash and then fling open the door so they can bolt from the moving vehicle. Neck braces all around.
Privately, when the new lover isn’t there, I can give my infatuated friends that worthy little speech about building foundations. “Take it slow,” I caution while they nod and smile insincerely. “If you stay at his house every night, you don’t leave any room to ramp things up when you know each other better. It’s still early days!”
Despite the nodding and the smiling, I’m aware that my sage counsel is about as welcome as a wisdom tooth extraction. Without drugs.
You know when you’re trying to talk some sense into someone and they pretend to listen but you can see they’re just wondering when you’ll shut up so they can run right home and have sex again? It’s like that.
There’s more.
Ah, holiday romance. Far from home, when everything is unfamiliar, Unsuitable Local Dude can easily be mistaken for Mr-He-Completes-Me.
Similarly, if you’re going through a rough patch due to illness, relationship problems, work stress or anything else that throws you off balance, you’re particularly vulnerable to infatuation.
Apparently, this is because when your emotional guard is down, you’re more likely to do the duckling thing and imprint on the first creature that crawls past your cracked egg.
I guess that explains why rebound relationships are usually so intense yet doomed and why most rehab programs recommend recovering addicts avoid new romance for a minimum of 12 months after getting sober. Infatuation.
It may also explain the odd dodgy relationship in your past. You know, the one you look back on and wonder ‘WTF was I thinking?’ Chances are you weren’t. You were just infatuated.
Looking back (or into the mirror) can you see the difference between love and infatuation? What have been your experiences?
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Ok, I admit right now I’m in the midst of that crazy infatuation stage, where you feel like saying ‘I love him’ after a month and you just can’t see straight. But I got to say thats half the fun… I could (but don’t) talk about how wonderful he is for hours to my girlfriends and the phone calls are those sweet lovely dovey ones that I used to think would make me vomit. I like the mix of chemicals in my body that are making me feel like I am alive and happy and extraordinary, but recognising this I still want to feel those things… because thats often the start of the next more satisfying love… I agree go slow, but don’t lock up your heart in fear of it falling apart, you’ll never live if your like that.
had more or less the same thing with mr ”brasilian guy” lol….and after all don’t females of all species choose their partners for their genes? i too got a gorgeous son out of it, it’s enough for me not to regret it
and ps: same story with my now husband too…how strange is that…
had more or less the same thing with mr ”brasilian guy” lol….and after all don’t females of all species choose their partners for their genes? i too got a gorgeous son out of it, it’s enough for me not to regret it
it is enjoyable
it’s the best you can get actually! just remember not to marry him or get pregnant before it calms down a bit! 
Ah, this is so timely for me. I have just started seeing someone and i am *infatuated*.
I cannot wait to see him every day. I am inthralled by him and i want to know more. When we are together we are always touching & kissing. I melt when he looks at me and tingle when he touches me. I love spending time with him – hours on end – even if we are doing nothing.
I admit it clouds my judgement and makes me act in a way or do things that i did not do when i was single (hello neglected friends), though i am TRYING to keep a sane head and maintain my life and routine as it was before.
But i do not think that all this is necessarily a bad thing (biased… uh huh). I want to enjoy the emotions i am feeling now, however wildly disparate they may be at times, because it is a wonderful experience. And something i have never had before.
With any luck we will see though the blur of infatuation and it will become love. Or maybe it will fizzle out. Either way, i am going to try to thoroughly enjoy what i have now.
I’m not sure I’ve experienced “infatuation” as such – but I have been in love with the *idea* of being in love before. Which led me to make poor decisions in the past. Is that the same thing? I don’t know.
I probably acted infatuated with Hubby when I met him, but it continued well beyond the first 6mths. It was LUUURVE. I remember watching a friend greet her husband after work one day, and I had to smile – they were just like Hubby and I. All smiles and so happy to see each other, and I remember thinking back then that Hubby and I had been together for over 6 years at that stage – so to still have the warm and fuzzy feeling that long in to it was pretty good.
I wouldn’t say I do cartwheels when Hubby comes home after work each night, but my little old heart still skips a beat – especially when he has been away for a while. And we’re coming up to 17 years next week.
God, I’m feeling mushy today.
As a teenager I was often infatuated with a guy, and then after he reciprocated the feeling and I had the opportunity to get to know him, my infatuation would cool quickly. We’re talking anywhere from a week to a few months. Lots of infatuations, then after a week, it was all over when I realised that pretty boy looks don’t count for much if he can’t make me laugh or laugh at himself.
My husband was different because my infatuation with him developed slowly over 6 months. I remember someone saying that they always knew if Brad was around because they could hear me laughing. I knew him really well before we started seeing each other because he lived next door. Definitely not love at first sight (although I do believe that happens to some people). We had been a couple for two weeks when we decided to get married at the tender age of 18 and 19. We knew that people would be shocked and that we were too young to be making that kind of commitment, although, privately we already felt married. So we waited. 6 years.
We got married in our early 20s, so last week we had our 15th wedding anniversary and this August will be out 21st year together. He’s still the smartest, funniest and sweetest man that I know.
All those crushes were important in the road to discovering what was important to me and what were my own personal deal breakers. I wanted someone who was fundamentally similar to me. The same values, beliefs, sense of humour. We’re a long way from being superficially similar but we “get” each other.
Infatuation is two people looking at each other, love is two people looking in the same direction. (Apologies to Ginger Rogers).
Oh no definitely, but some people make a point of mentioning just holding hands or small kisses. I think it is just jealously. And also, some people are more affectionate than others.
I didn’t mean to do that post anonymously, almost everyone who knows me knows that story. Its not a secret.
I’m loving these stories, especially how many the infatuation lasted. Mine didn’t!
12 years ago I met “the frenchman” at a concert, it was very very romantic, intense and all those words used above. We didn’t sleep and spent two days together. The next day he left for a trip around Australia, this was in the days hardly any nternet, email, mobile phones (and yes that was only 12 years ago). So for 40 days all I got was 3 postcards. In that time, I had decided to quit my job and travel with him to NZ. He actually hadn’t asked me to, but he said yes. We had the best 3 months together travelling around NZ. Then the relationship soured a bit, but my “love” for him was still there, I could fix him. After 4 months I was pregnant and we moved together from Melbourne to FNQ. The whole relationship was only 6 months. He changed my personality so much, but that wasn’t due to the love/lust/infatuation, more to do with me being a needy person, and him being controlling and actually not very nice at all.
So after 6 months, I moved back to my parents house – no job and pregnant – they were wonderful.
I should have only had a one night stand with the french man. Would have been much healthier. But I got the most delightful and good looking son out of it (one of the main things going for the frenchman was he was GORGEOUS). I met my husband because of him, I was at home with a baby, so went online and met my hubby – one of the original online romances that has lasted 10 years now.
I never called my feeling infatuation, I called it lust. Oh and I had it bad.
I agree there is a very strong difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation can be the start of something great, or, as it did in my case, can lead to a lot of pain and mistakes. The obsession that goes with it can be destructive and overwhelming. It’s possible to believe that you can’t live without the person, so will accept less than great treatment in order not to lose them, and mistake controlling behaviour and fights for ‘passion’, rather than what they are – crappy!
I moved across the world to be with my husband after a very short time – we’d been dating for two weeks – and we married within the year. This could be seen as infatuated behaviour, but the difference for me was the calm and logic that accompanied this decision. I was not panicky, I wasn’t worried or desperate, I just logically got everything in order to give us the best shot. I thought about him a lot, but I also had a lot of other interests and things on the go, and could fully focus on those and just be excited to see him when I did. The difference here is that I love him, very much, and I think he is incredibly attractive, but I’m definitely not obsessed with him, nor would I jump him in public. I feel very positive about our future, and see it with him by my side, but I know that if it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t die… I think that’s the difference between love and the addiction of infatuation…
That’s so lovely!
Expressing your love for each other doesnt always have to happen behind closed doors. There are worse things to look at than a couple pashing on the street.
That’s beautiful ….
you just about brought a tear to my eye. how beautiful.
I think she is a very polarising writer and you either like her or loath her. I, as you may have guessed, fall into the loathing side
Yes, there is something inherently unappealing about ‘Smug Marrieds’ (I’m glad that the great Brigid Jones maxim is still getting mileage!) but I don’t think Gilbert falls into this category. If anything she is suspicious about marriage, the patriarchal institution and the strain of an exclusive relationship. She struggles with the idea of commitment and legally binding commitment because she values her autonomy and financial independence. I don’t think Committed is a must-read for everyone but she does track the socio-political landscape of marriage and a lot of this historical information and philosophical reflection is quite interesting. It’s a lot less driven by a personal narrative in some ways than Eat, Pray, Love and much more concerned with sociology. And she certainly isn’t against the experience of infatuation – in some ways she is worried that even her own relationship with ‘Filipe’ is still fallible and vulnerable to the influence of outside lovers – I think she just contextualises it as part of the wheel of fortunate of human romantic experience!!!
“he is still the first person I want to talk to when I feel happy or sad or worried about something. And even though he drives me crazy at least once a day, I still cannot wait to see him walk through the front door every evening.”
That, to me, is the most practical and perfect description of love.
Yes Mia, I can see the difference between love and infatuation. And I think they are both tremendous!
For me, infatuation has taken on a couple of different forms… the kind where I have been giddy with excitement, unable to eat, my heart racing so fast anytime he was around, couldn’t bare to be apart for long. With this kind, also came the underlying dread of when it was all going to end. Because even though the ‘in love’ feeling was at sizzling point, I always knew that it wouldn’t be lasting ‘love’.
Then about 9 years ago, there was a different kind of infatuation. It was with a guy who I met at a party. I saw him dancing and having a great time and it made me smile. And he saw me smiling his way and we spent the rest of the night talking and dancing and having a great time. I’m not sure exactly why, but I knew that I would end up in a relationship with this person. I didn’t really give it much thought, didn’t stew over it and get my stomach tied in knots. And in the following weeks and months, I was excited every time we spoke and saw each other, I got those lovely butterflies in my tummy and would think about him a lot. But I didn’t think about him to the point of distraction.
I was living on the other side of the world in his country, but I never worried that one day the relationship might end because of the ‘distance’ factor. And now, looking back, along with the fizzy infatuation of this new relationship, also came a calmness and ease. We were just meant to be together.
So here we, are 9 years later with 2 gorgeous daughters and he is still the first person I want to talk to when I feel happy or sad or worried about something. And even though he drives me crazy at least once a day, I still cannot wait to see him walk through the front door every evening.
I love a happy ending x
Great thought and insight.
I think that initial giddy feeling of infatuation is very bonding and important. If we saw clearly from the start all the complex intricacies of another -flaws, habits etc – love probably wouldn’t have a chance to bloom.
I’ve been through the lot: Infatuation, love, marriage, affairs, divorce, post marriage -I thought it was love but I really just loved how he felt about me- rebound. And now, after a year in a new relationship… love again. We are both in our forties and couldn’t keep our hands off each other to start with. It felt wonderful and exciting.
And now it is growing into something else, calmer but still wonderful and loving. Our kids all get along beautifully and we are all looking ahead together.
I was at a cafe recently and the couple at the next table were so all over each other it made people leave, it was really off. I think they get off on it, almost like having sex in public.
I’m with you Merryl. Holding hands, kissing, hugging in public is nice and happy. Tongue sambos in public is off.
Anna I love your realistic view of marriage – “sometimes we adore each other, sometimes we don’t like each other”. This is what real life is like and I think we sometimes expect it to be love and roses all the time, when its not.
We were 21 and 22. We worked together. We became best mates, going out to see bands every week and generally finding excuses to spend time together. He had a girlfriend who didn’t share these interests and I was too much of a ‘nice girl’ to push the point. So we stayed like that for about 18 months (with butterflies in my stomach and a seriosuly diminished appetite, waiting for his penny to drop) until one night I plucked up enough courage to ask him why he spent all his time with me and not her. ‘Because I love you’ was his response.
We’ve been together ever since and 17 years later, he still lights up a room for me.
We continued to work together for next 10 years, even having lunch together every day (much to everyone’s amusement).
We have our ups and downs and it’s been a crazy ride, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It all makes us stronger as a couple.
Those early days were heady and fantastic but the hurts were also massive – you’re so vulnerable and raw when you’re in that state.
I find that years later, there is a shared history of love that can’t be swept aside by a few terse words or a stupid arguement. I like that.
Frankie – your story is my story, right down to the vomiting with excitement and the length of your relationship, but only 2 babies. We’ve had lots of highs, but some pretty awful lows, due to both being crap communicators. Last year, infatuation with another man came and bit me, and when I finally came to my senses 6 months later, I realised what I’d almost thrown away with my husband. And you know what – that infatuation with my husband is back, and I know that after 20 years, there’s real love there as well. I might add that professional counselling also made me aware of who it was that I wanted, and what it was I wanted, I realised that I only wanted my husband, and that was a huge revelation at the time. So I guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way, is that its possible, even after 20 years, to be both in love with your husband and to have that infatuation back as well.
Oooooooooooo chills! Beautiful.
Well, of course, the movie was made from the book (which I read first). He is brilliant.
Well after twenty something years and what I thought was an older and wiser stage of my life, infatuation leaped up and bit me on the nose. He said all the right things, did all the right things and he followed me to Paris – as you do.
And in Paris, we had our first massive fight about directions from our restaurant to our apartment of all things.
But he was infatuated and I thought he was worth it, so we agreed to move in togather, and he moved in with me and we had more fights and eventually – three breakups later – I have kicked him in to touch.
He sent a letter just before Christmas asking for another chance.
The thing that resonated most with me was the comment about infatuation being like a coke habit. His is an addictive personality, and I was the new high. I understand that now, and I found myself holding back, holding back a piece of myself, telling myself that in time, I could grow to love him. I never did grow into him.
So these days, I don’t go looking, and I have accepted not just a life on my own but a future on my own. I don’t trust that my boundaries will not be trappled on by someone so selfish that they can’t see the dispuptive effects of their ardour and I don’t really trust myself not to be so stupid when someone bats their eyelids at me.
There’s no fool like an old fool.
Funny to read this after my weekend outing with a friend who flirted riotously and met someone special who lit a spark. I came home to my partner of over 8 years and sooked and demanded he convinced me that what we had was so much greater, cuz its sure as shit not as exciting as those ‘early days’!
i wish there was a way to always have both, but I will happily settle for the deep loving roots irrevocably binding me to him….
Beautiful and true, but rightly credited to the wonderful novelist Louis de Bernières, rather than the movie. Sorry to be so pedantic, but the guy is brilliant.
hey i want you to be my friend
Ohhh ok. I haven’t read the books, but don’t give smug advice to anyone – I hope!
There’s a lot of absolute in that comment aaaa. I don’t doubt that there are many examples of what you describe. Just as I also don’t don’t that across the globe and time immemorial there are also examples of the polar opposite and many, many variations along the spectrum.
Clearly you’re not into Elizabeth Gilbert, which of course is totally fine, but the second book is not really about realationship advice or tsk tsking anyone. She is merely having a conversation (a lot of the time with herself) about what humans go through in love, infatuation and in the ritual, ceremony and tradition of marriage, what it means in other cultures and has meant at other times…ultimately to try and discover what it means to her.
I can totally see why people see her as self indulgent, but her need for this sort of self analysis and convincing by research she readily admits in the book is all a part of her nerdy nature and need to feel secure in her decisions.
I do think that resonates with some people, at least it did with me.
That is beautiful and so true. I think anyone who has been in a long-term happy relationship will attest to that. True love is so much more than infatuation. I think that’s why people who are in such a relationship rarely feel the need for dramatic PDAs. There’s a higher level of respect for one another and for the outside world (ie. an awareness of time and place). There just isn’t the need to feel each other up in public!
Very interestingly written.
I do think that the infatuation is kinda nice… It’s part of the development of the relationship isn’t it?
i loveeeeeeee that feeling of infatuation in the early stages of a new relationship where you literally go a bit crazy . never do you feel so alive than when in the midst of all its madness.after being with the same person for 20 years its been so long since i have had that feeling and it makes me sad sometimes.i would just love to have 1 day of that crazy feeling again
Ha, that’s what I said too, every time it happened
While it’s may be alright with you, it will not be for many others around them. I would not like children to watch adults groping each other, that’s my personal feeling. Kids are way too sexualised these days as it is.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about arms around each other, hugging or kissing, I’m referring to wandering hands, inside clothing & rubbing activities. And now I’ve just grossed myself out…..
Because some private things should be kept private?
We had that exact reading at our wedding…just beautiful!
I would have called him on it, at least jokingly, like saying to their faces “guys, get a room”. There’s PDA (Public Displays of Affection) and then there’s over the top groping, sounds like this was the latter!
Yes, but if it makes the two happy why not? Unless the couple drunk and can hardly walk straight, then yes definitely not attractive.
I think there’s a big difference between kissing on the street and pashing/groping each other in public. I find the first sweet and the second gross.
see I’m ok with the PDA’s… within reason
– I was referring to friends of mine who rushed into moving in/buying houses together during the “infatuation stage” – it’s heartbreaking helping them move out 6 months later… or worse, watching them admit to being trapped in an unhappy relationship for the sake of not wanting to “fail”
Interesting post.
Lust plus time can turn to love. Usually if a relationship goes , say, 12 months, it can work long term. Is this why we have engagement periods?
Many of these comments show love can come from infatuation; it has to start somewhere. Every situation is unique. We are all a little different, but is this not the beauty of life, and makes for joy, interest and stimulation.
There are public displays of affection that are sweet and lovely (e.g. holding hands, cuddles, kisses) and then there is grossing out others (prolonged pashing etc.). It’s sweet to show how you feel about each other in public, but the rest seems like just showing off, or something.
I strongly disagree. I am one of those hopeless romantics who doesn’t get turned off by seeing kissing couples on the street, in fact it makes me smile. It’s personal choice whether to hold hands or not, express your feelings in public or not, afterall it’s not a crime. In some countries it’s not appropriate, in others it’s very normal, either way I support PDA all the way.
It’s true that some people are far too infatuated and the relationship dies as quickly as it started. I have been this person once in the past. But if you learn from it, it actually leads to an understanding that will greatly equip you in the future.
I find that in my current relationship, we are infatuated with each other but we are also a great match and we know it because we’ve done the hard yards in other relationships first. I have more of a problem with people who settle for the first relationship that comes along, without having dated widely. Dating widely and perhaps falling for a few duds, is actually hugely beneficial.
Love is definitely a temporary madness, but it’s also amazing. It’s amazing to fall in love deeply when you’ve been hurt before. It’s amazing to feel the safety of that love when you know that person is 100% there for you.
And on the topic of PDA, which is totally a seperate issue. I don’t get it?! What’s the big deal. Love is amazing and PDA is just an illustration of how you feel about each other. My boyfriend and I are incredibly passionate and affectionate and I wouldn’t change it.
When you feel complete as a person within yourself, it is much easier to see another person as an add-on (albeit a lovely, fabulous one), not an essential part of yourself. I reckon that’s a pretty important thing.
I like this… I really think that the last line sums everything up nicely. yes, we’ve all been infatuated and as wonderful as it is we need to take the “time and patience to make sure it turned out ok.” An amazing and inspiring love story too
In the movie ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’, the character Pellagia is told, “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
I think this is a lovely idea.
According to my mum, she knew she was in love when she “just wanted to be with him all the time”.
I quite enjoy seeing people ‘pash’ publicly. I don’t expect anyone to sit and stare at them but I’m glad they’re out there. Especially if they’re over 30 and don’t have too many bad decisions left to make. I know they’re feeling giddy inside and intoxicated with the passion of it all and why not. If not then, then when? Have fun whilst you can I rekon. Disclaimer: I’ve been a giddy public pasher a couple of times that resulted in a couple of lovely relationships. And they are great memories
My recommendation though is to leave it at just the pash and milk that giddy feeling for all it’s worth.
You can get a rush of new love again! Rekindled feelings are just lovely too, and even better in some ways than the first rush because it’s all familiar and new at the same time.
Oh man… I really needed to read that. I have been that person far too many times!
OK. Wow. *Floods of tears*
Me too. If you feel the urge to pash in public please dont, it makes others feel sick. Get a room.
God I have Sooo been that person.
Never, Ever again.
I knew Fatty for almost a year before we went on our one and only “It isn’t a date ok don’t make a big deal” We went out of tea and afterwards we were sitting on the beach when he confessed his undying love for me. I promptly told him to snap out of it and slapped him. Hard. Then I kissed him.
Two days later I left for Sydney to start a new life leaving Fatty behind.
But something kept niggling at me. Nagging in the back of my mind. A few weeks later I got on a bus back to Melbourne and went straight to his door. I asked him “is this it?” He replied, “Yep.”
That was 19 years ago and the rest, as they say, is history.
We were both infatuated from the moment we first laid eyes on each other but it took time and patience to make sure it all turned out ok.
O MY GOD. I have SO many friends who need to read this!!!!
Awwww, this comment is so lovely
Perhaps it depends on how whole and secure you are within yourself at the time of meeting the other person….
I was pretty insecure when I met my partner… So we had a hell of a time after the warm gooey feelings wore off. Over time, as I have become more whole within myself, our relationship has blossomed.
My best advice to myself if the wiser version of myself met the less savvy, insecure version of myself back then, would be: “Hey there, Version Of Me That Doesn’t Know As Much as More Learned Version Of Me. Why don’t you work on loving yourself and not needing this other person to complete you. Be complete with yourself. You are who you are with him or without him. And that is just swell.”
Oh well. Perhaps I will pass this onto my daughter.
I don’t think that makes you a smug married. Cos then I’d be one too. I think a smug married is someone who dispenses relationship advice to those still single, with the idea that they know it all. Which is what I think Elizabeth Gilbert is doing.
It’s an interesting thought that someone might think me ’smugly married’ just because I’m happy my husband and I love each other. I never imagined someone might think that! wow!
Give it some time… It’s better to have to wait for it, then to fall in love with the wrong person because you feel the need to be in love.
sorry that was kateaswell, different PC
I totally agree – and I don’t think you’re being snarky. in my experience infatuation is sometimes the first phase of love, and sometimes it’s all there is. I met my husband at work while we were both in other long term relationships. We divested ourselves of those relationships to be together, and have now been together for three years, and been through divorces, property settlements, loss of friends, moving houses, building houses, a wedding, one mini-me now 20 months, and another mini-me due in two months. This definitely started as can’t live a day without you infatuation, but through commitment and desire to make things work we are now a rock solid family. I think where people are saying love is a choice, it kind of means sometimes you have to choose to work at it, because even if you love each other, sometimes it would be much easier to leave!!!
I clearly remember waiting for my boyfriend to come over every night to the share house I lived in at uni. As his car pulled down the gravel driveway I would be laying on my funky futon feeling like I was going to vomit with excitement. I would then pretend to be asleep when he came in as I thought it might make me seem cooler (so not cool…) So that was infatuation big time. But 19 years later we’ve still together, still loving each other. We’ve seen each other through 3 babies, 2 parents dying, countless ups and downs and all over the place experiences. It hasn’t all been smooth sailing and there have been resentments and disapointments but at the bottom of all that there’s still us. Every now and then I’d love that intoxicating infatuation again and I’m glad that it was the start of this big love in my life.
Uh-oh. A popular blogger starts writing about how infatuation makes people marry the wrong people? Should ‘Mr Freedman’ be looking over his shoulder? LOL
Mr cat has been going away for work for our whole relationship… I think for a long time, (years even) this kept us in that first flush of honeymoon love. He has been home for about 9 months now, the longest time ever, and we are certainly not in the honey moon stage anymore… but that’s ok too. There is something nice in being able to argue about normal domestic issues, without him having the option to hang up the phone or feel like you endanger his life by upsetting him or distracting him from his job…
But while I don’t miss the months of him away, I sure a hell miss the home coming lovin’ in a fancy hotel
Spot on with your article Mia. Love infatuation has absolutely destoyed my life . The bad decisions I have made while under the influence of this incredibly strong drug have been massive.
Your article should not be taken lightly as this IS A VERY DANGEROUS DRUG.
This is crazy! The moment I laid eyes on my now husband, I just KNEW he was for me. I rang my sister and said that I had met the man I was going to marry – straight from the book of cliche – but here we are together 15 years later! (happy with our three kids)
Once upon a time I toyed with a boy who had ‘an emergency engagement ring’ – he was worth toying with, because he was looking for the infatuation, not the love….. I enjoyed that time – naughty girl!!!
Opps..everyone thought our relationship would fail..
I met my boyfriend when I just turned 18. After 5 minutes together he kissed me. We spent 5 days together and I only went home because I had a exam. As soon as exams were over we made plans to move in together. I moved from my country town to the city to live with him after only knowing him for a month. A year later I fell pregnant (yep you guess it we weren’t using protection)…..
In the start I was definately infatuated. He was tall, dark, handsome and mysterious. But 5 years later we are happily engaged with a 3 year old son we both adore. Everyone thought our relationship failed but we turned infatuated into love.
TMI!
I met this guy when I was 19. I was in infatuated. Then I fell in love with him, and didn’t think I could live without him. Everyone thought I was crazy, too young etc. But 12 months later I married him. This week we celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary & have 2 beautiful boys together. Sometimes we adore eachother, sometimes we dont really like eachother. But we made a commitment to eachother, and we made a family together, and we stick together through good and bad. All relationships are different, and we all respond to different things. There’s something beautiful about the thrill of a new relationship, and there’s also something beautiful about the relationships that stand the test of time. The two are not mutually exclusive. Despite the fact that my husband and I took on the world together from a young age, to be honest I would feel a bit stressed if my children did the same. Luckily we grew up together, and our goals and dreams remained in sync. There’s way more to the equation than the length of time you’ve known each other for.
I don’t think that aaaaa has ever been in love:( When you dO find ‘the one’ your tune will change:)
I don’t think that aaaaa has ever been in love.
I disagree with you when you say that love at first sight does not exist. When my mum was 15 her male friend introduced her to his friend. After they had left my mum said to her best friend “I’m going to marry him”. My parents celebrate 30 years of marriage next month
It’s just my opinion. I don’t have to agree with the masses.
So people who fall in love quickly and people who are only children are needy? Any other generalisations to make?
I haven’t read her 2nd book yet but I seriously doubt she is ’smug’ simply because she is married. I doubt she is smug at all but if she was, surely she would never have divorced her first husband and just be content with the humdrum of married life like all her friends and peers?
Love at first sight does not exist. Those that say it has happened to them were obviously infatuated. Love takes time to develop. It’s the needy people that fall in love quickly, move in together quickly, get married, buy a house and have kids together quickly because deep down they are so needy and insecure they can’t function without another person. But two half people don’t make a whole person!
i want to be in love… never have been and its quite sad.
I don’t agree that “this feeling (of being in love) is called infatuation”. This feeling of being in love is just that – you feel that you are in love with someone. The use of the term infatuation implies that it is a lesser state, a surreal state where we exist briefly while casting aside who we really are. I think that a better term is “passionate love” which is essentially the description of the beginning phase of a relationship that may or may not develop into a mature form of long term intimacy. This generally lasts about 6 months, give or take a few months (depending on how often you see each other). And yes, this is most definitely the danger period for making decisions that may have lifelong consequences. And, in a similar way to all other aspects of our lives, sometimes we will choose well and sometimes we will not. But this feeling of intense, gut wrenching, churning passion is part of our hard-wiring (we are nothing sometimes other than a bag of chemicals) and most importantly, it is a legitimate stage of every single relationship that we will ever have. If when the fog clears you still like what you see, then voila! the relationship may develop and mature through several more stages. If you suddenly realise that your prince is a bit of a frog, then that is OK too and you can make your escape- but it doesn’t negate what you had though.
Some people are addicted to this phase. Some people love this phase but hate what they see when the fog lifts and keep hoping that next time it will be different. It’s all part of life and it’s all really, really meaningful in its own way.
For those not a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert I would highly recommend a slim book called “Conditions of Love: the philosophy of intimacy” written by a 40-ish Scottish philosopher called John Armstrong. It’s very thought provoking, easy to read and properly researched in a non preachy sort of way.
And I think that a little infatuation in a relationship is a good thing…it;s what makes us love our partners even when we realise that they aren’t perfect. Infatuation allows us to see beyond those imperfections and still take them to bed or for life!
Elizabeth Gilbert sounds like exactly the sort of smug married person that single people want to punch in the face.
Her first book was indulgent, self obsessed and whiny. She did things that many others would scoff at – abondoning life to “find herself” comes very quickly to mind. How pleased we all are that her self-obsession lead to fullfilment in marriage, so much so that she had to write another book outlining her scepticism.
The idea of her now turning around and tsk tsking anyone for infatuation is laughable, if not moronic. And is insulting to those people who don’t have to write an entire book justifying the concept of marriage or love just to bring peace to themselves.
We all make stupid decisions, we all have moments of both selfishness and selflessness, whether we are in love, infatuated or not.
Well I live by this truth, sadly. It became pretty obvious to me early on (following first infatuation/sexual relationship that there was a period of months where both parties appear to be wearing rose-coloured glasses or experiencing a honeymoon period (my description of the phenomenon). Even when aware of the phenomenon, it deceives all logic when experienced. I think sex does become the catalyst and can not help but think old church mores could have some merit in delaying the honeymoon until after the marriage. That said, we all know how difficult it is to avoid human touch when truly enjoying someone’s company, and how the heat from the smallest of touches can disturb the best intentions.
After 10 years of marriage & 2 children, my husband and I are as infatuated with one another today as the day we met. Our relationship is steeped in mutual respect, admiration and good communication. Relationships are not monotone. They go through peaks and troughs for a multitude of reasons (like the demands of children for example!). But with a strong base of LOVE, RESPECT and SUPPORT, we always come out on top
And despite a decade’s worth of extra wrinkles on both of our faces, we are endlessly attracted to one another. Infatuated, in fact.
Foundations Mia… I hear you. You’ve gotta have a solid base! (Even my lego-fanatic 2 year old will tell you so!)
I wholeheartedly agree!!!
THANK you!
I have to agree with you on this one. First, I do NOT agree that love is a choice. I have loved a couple of people in the past (and yes it was love because if it was just infatuation I would have got out waaaay before I did), and at the time, if I could have chosen NOT to be in love with those people I sure as hell would NOT have been. The fact that people imply love is a CHOICE is insulting.
Second, why is everyone having such a go at infatuation? How the hell do all your relationships start off otherwise? Love at first sight???? Because if it aint love at first sight, then people, it’S INFATUATION. Love GROWS over time, as you get to know the person. You don’t CHOOSE it. Sure, it might wear off quite quickly, but then that’s when the love begins to grow. Are those of you that are married trying to tell me that it didn’t start as infatuation? That you DIDN’T have moments in public where your hands were all over each other? That you DIDN’T make stupid decisions???
Don’t mean to be snarky, but everyone is being so…condescending or patronising of those who are infatuated with another, when we’ve all been there, and almost every relationship has started out that way. I’m just finding it all a bit hypocritical I guess. Bit everyone’s allowed their own opinion I guess!
Oh HOW I LOVED THAT BOOK! What a great read. Gilbert has such a chatty friend style of writing and yet with this book, much more so than with Eat, Pray, Love (which I also DEVOURED), she has included so much more research, backing up the personal with anecdotal and historical references.
It was confronting at times because it forces you (if you’re in a long term relationship, like me) to look at the sacrifice that takes, when I think we are discouraged from delving into those negative aspects.
Anyway…. enough about that.
My relationship is definitely of the slow burn variety.
We dated for a long time before really getting together.
Then we were together for 6 months before we even told anyone!
It was a good 8 YEARS before we moved in together.
4 months later we had our first baby.
Now number 2 is on the way.
So far so good.
It feels like a long time ago now that I was at the wonderfully heady stage of not being able to focus at work or think of anything but him.
It was exciting and engulfing and all too brief.
And I have times when I wonder “is this it? is it gonna be like this forever?”
Not that “this” ain’t grand, but you’d have to be dead not to yearn for that rush of new love every once in a while.
*sighs wistfully*
Completely agree – I was the same. In love with the idea of being in love, when it really was just infatuation. Being in love is the best.
I disagree with the idea that infatuation is separate from love also. It simply isn’t in my view. It is an aspect of love, the love we feel within our selves when we are in the presence of someone we are very drawn or connected to. I’m not really infatuated with Elizabeth Gilbert being a love guru either, she’s had an interesting journey, haven’t we all, but I don’t think I’ll be relying on her books to get me through my love life! The ideas she presents about the chemical changes certainly are not new and I think we should be wary if indeed she is writing that we need to not be infatuated or make drastic changes in our behaviour that are ultimately repressing natural & important feelings in our bodies. I haven’t read the book but I’m not interested in more “over-thinking” about physical feelings, in fact I’m into the opposite now, completely immersing myself in my body, and through meditation withdrawing my mind from all the sensory stuff that makes us go nuts & make shit decisions – particularly shit decisions about & with the people we are in RELATIONSHIP with.
If more people are likely to be susceptible to infatuation whilst in rocky periods of their life etc it may be because they are choosing to DISTRACT themselves with another adventure, which will ease that rockiness for a period of time, but ultimately do nothing to resolve their problems. (I don’t think their emotional guards are down at all either, I think they are buzzing looking for distractions).This is because you cannot expect external sources, human or otherwise to solve your inner turmoil. Only we can do that, by disengaging the mind from all the craziness of the outside world. The same goes for people who may get pregnant in that first 6 months. Hello of course it “just feels so right”, sex is great when you haven’t had it for a while/ when you are having it with someone you love – but emotionally you are a trainwreck. (By this I mean we ALL bring baggage into the bedroom) We can’t fool ourselves into thinking that people don’t get pregnant to distract themselves from bad feelings they have of themselves & their life, or their neediness for love & attention from baby or partner or family. These can all be legitimate reasons to become pregnant together with “it just feels so right”.
Personally, my experience is that the two can’t be separated. I think what can be separated is attraction, I’ve slept with men I’ve been attracted to physically, but that has been purely a physical thing driven by wanting to have sex or wanting to feel attractive or simply drunkeness, most likely all three together at once!! Realisations dawned on me pretty quickly that these were not men I wanted anything else to do with.
My husband & I moved in together after a month, people thought we’d been together for years, we felt we’d been together for millions of years metaphysically. I was his rebound girl, he was my absolutely everything. We’ve been together for 9 years, we have 3 children 7 years, 4 yrs, & 2yrs. We’ve been to hell & back, we’ve had the divorce talks, the bitchy fights over who does more or gets more time to themselves. We feel bound to each other through this mysterious incredibly deep metaphysical love, Divine love and as we mature we are figuring out ways to address our EGOS – to communicate better & understand each other more. And yeah when we have time to ourselves without our children, we are like giggling lovers who have only just met, free to be cuddly, pashing on, holding hands, going the occasional grope. I still love that we have that infatuation.
I have not been able to tell the difference between love and infatuation until AFTER it is over.
But Mia, come on. Can’t you remember what it’s like to be at that new stage? Wanting to spend all your time with that person? Maybe not rushing into moving in with them or having unprotected sex with them, but that feeling that felt so…right.
Funnily enough, though, I had the same “take it slow” talk with a friend of mine who’s been prone to rush into bad relationships. She met a guy that (finally) seems like a great guy, and I had the whole “don’t rush into sex” talk. You know. Take it slow. Get to know him first. It didn’t work of course. But I think it’s easy for those of us who are in a long term relationship to say that. But really, would we have listened if it were us in their shoes? I don’t think so.
Personally, I can’t help but feel slightly envious of those people. I miss that feeling of excitement and infatuation. Sigh.
Mia, this post really hit a chord with me. Having recently witnessed the creeping hands of first flush love, I now understand that infatuation was it’s name. What my husband and I witnessed first hand (or is that second-hand) was ………… much suckling of fingers and kisses up the arms and nuzzling and guzzling into the neck and groping and massaging, and hands disappearing into folds of clothes and jerking movements below table tops. And then there was all that stuff going on in the back seat of our car as we (long-married couple) sat mute in the front. Our male friend, who was the sucker-nuzzler (or is that suckler-nuzzler) completely horrified us because he was so not like that with his late wife. But when he started his new relationship with a widow it was a pash-fest extraordinaire. And these two were no spring chickens. (There apparently is no age limit on pashing.) Two years on there is still quite a bit of touching and massaging and stroking and holding of the hands but thankfully no more suckling and eating of the fingers or kneading and groping up the arms.
I think love is the wise older sister with the mortgage and the two kids.
She’s the one who’s always there.
She lets borrow her clothes, holds your hair while you puke and wipes your nose when you need a good cry.
And still loves you like crazy even though she’s seen the very worst of you.
Looking at all our friends, the ones who were all over each other in public, even after a few years of marriage, are the ones who have broken up. I think this does say someting.
I’m not sure that I agree that infatuation is love’s shady cousin, because in the case of me and my beloved (happily married 13 years) infatuation LEAD to love. We were one of those sickening engaged-after-6-weeks couples. i really think it was a case of infatuation at first sight, rather than love, but the love came very soon after. In our case, and perhaps this might be something of an answer to the ‘how do you know…’ question, the infatuation did not abate with the first sign of trouble, and continued to grow over time. It was like we could look into the future and see each other there. I would like to add one slightly cheeky observation, which is that despite the aforesaid 13 happy married years I (or my fantasizing brain perhaps) can still become infatuated from time to time with a new interest. There’s no way I would act on these thoughts, it is just my mind in overdrive, and I never confuse it for love. It is a bit like a crush. I suppose. And it’s completely harmless, I swear.
Back in my young days (hmmm, I’m only 21) I had many moments of infatuation. I think I was so desperate to be in love. And the feeling of infatuation is great, all those ‘lovey dovey’ moments. But when it all finishes it hurts, for about a week and then it’s ok again. But love, oh that’s so much better. So few ‘lovey dovey’ moments, and so many more moments of just pure contentment. But maybe infatuation isn’t such a bad thing – it leads to love.
Can you tell I’m feeling a bit loved up at the moment…? x
Hmmm… This is a really bleek and depressing post.
If infatuation is Love’s evil cousin, who the fuck is love, and how do we feel when we feel love?
Someone please explain.
I’ve heard that you’re actually more fertile when infatuated too, don’t know if that’s just a myth though. But I know one woman who had years and years of unexplained fertility with her partner, tried multiple cycles of IVF to no avail, then after they split got pregnant in a matter of weeks with her new partner (unintentionally).
In general it seems very on the ball, and I know of a few exceptions, where marriage baby etc etc has come very very quickly but the relationships have well & truly lasted (and remained happy!). Mia I think you and your husband are an exception!
“what you’re actually entranced with is the reflection of yourself in the eyes of someone who wants to sleep with you”.
Awesome
And I agree with Jaz, love is a choice. A verb. You choose to act in a loving way towards your partner, cos you choose to love them and be with them. Best to wait til the infatuation wears off though!
I’m in the process of getting divorced, and my minister advised me to wait a couple of years before getting involved with someone. Good advice I say. When you’re in a broken state, guys sense this and stick around to manipulate you. (cynical much?).
thanks mia, this post couldn’t have come at a better time!
Lol! I love the thought of infatuation being “love’s shady cousin”. The truth, I believe, is that love is a choice. And you are either willing to make that choice to love (when the infatuation ends) or you’re not.
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Remember the song ” Love Hurts ” ? I’ve been infatuated, and I’ve been in love too. I can’t tell the difference. With both, the feelings I had were so intense, I couldn’t think straight. I guess genuine love is the one that lasts. Either way, it’s only cool if you’re infatuated or loved back. One way love is the pits.
hmmmm i agree.. I have seen many friends who think they are crazy about a guy but then very quickly get over him. I met my fiance almost 3 years ago and while he was the first man i had been truely infactuated with i was also very sceptical that he was ‘the one’, but i am extremely pleased that it turned into Love, and that we are getting married in November!
i agree with you in principle, but there are exceptions
my husband and i got married six weeks after we met. we’re now in our ninth year together, deeply in love, and completely committed to one another. it’s probably saying something that all our friends at the time didn’t think we were crazy. sometimes, you really do meet the person who is perfect for you, and you know it right away. i think it’s very rare, though, and i feel extremely blessed.