Mothers who diet are twice as likely to have daughters with eating disorders
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According to a report in UK’s Daily Mail…
The majority of teenagers in a survey said they felt damaged by the effects of their mother’s dieting and views on food and regarded their mothers as the biggest influence on their own self-image.
The survey of girls aged 12 to 18 found that six per cent of them had an eating disorder – a proportion that rose to one in ten among those whose mothers diet.The poll revealed that more than half – 51 per cent – of teenage girls surveyed have dieted at some stage.
Again, this increased to 59 per cent among girls whose mothers diet, while almost eight out of 10 girls worry about their weight and one in five said they are criticised by family members for being ‘too big’.
Annabel Brog, editor of teen magazine Sugar, which carried out the poll, said girls were heavily influenced by their family’s views on diet and food, which she described as their ‘thin-heritance’. Nine per cent of teenage girls said they are ‘constantly’ on a diet – a figure that almost tripled among girls whose families comment on their weight.
In the poll of more than 500 teenagers, almost four out of 10 girls said their mother had the biggest influence on how they perceived themselves. Two-thirds said they had heard their mum complaining about her own weight and 56 per cent have mothers who are on a diet.
This is despite a massive 68 per cent describing their mother’s body size as perfectly normal.
Commenting on the results of the survey, psychologist Amanda Hills said: ‘Children learn how to behave by watching their parents. ‘Food becomes an issue when mum isn’t sitting down to dinner with everyone else or is off preparing a separate meal for herself.
‘And a dieting parent will label certain foods as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, which can lead to an unhealthy approach to food. The ‘drip-drip’ effect of constant self-criticism in front of easily-influenced teens teaches them to do likewise. If mum’s calling herself fat, it won’t be long before her daughter is too. I would say at least half of the people I see with an eating disorder admit that there are problems with eating in the family.’
One contributor to the survey, Jessica, 16, from Berkshire, said: ‘My mum’s often saying how ugly she thinks she is in front of me. She wouldn’t come out to dinner with us when we were on holiday last year because none of her clothes flattered her. I hate it – she’s so beautiful and not fat at all. I know she doesn’t mean it, but sometimes I do think it has an effect on me and might be part of why I’m so self-conscious about my weight and chunky legs.’
Sophie, 14, said: ‘Dad calls me a ‘heifer’ when I eat everything on my plate at dinner. ‘The first time he said it, I was embarrassed, but told myself he was just trying to be funny. But he keeps saying it and I’ve started to think maybe I am a heifer. I’d never really looked at myself as ‘fat’ or ‘thin’ before, but I’ve stopped eating as much because I can’t bear it any more.’
Jo, 17, from Norfolk, added: ‘I was diagnosed with anorexia last year and am only just starting to eat properly again. Mum blames herself because she was bulimic several years ago, and she constantly talked about her fear of being fat. It meant that I saw food as something to be scared of and started to avoid it.’
I found the link to this story on my friend Vanessa Raphaelly’s blog, Hurricane Vanessa. She is the editor of South African Cosmo and she writes…..
“I have a friend, a psychologist, who works with eating disorders and who claims they are amongst the most difficult psychological conditions to treat.
“Why?” I remember asking.
“One reason,” he said, “You really need to treat the mothers, first. Then the family. THEN the child.”
“So?” I asked.
“The mothers don’t think they have a problem.”
There is such truth in this. I think there is a huge connection between a mother’s body image and that of her daughter. And it’s not just what girls hear from their mothers about their bodies but also what they OVERHEAR their mother’s saying about their own bodies.
It’s not enough to give our daughters positive verbal messages about her body, it’s also vital our girls see us walking the talk about ourselves. I have a friend whose mother always told her she was beautiful. But at the same time, she saw her looking in the mirror complaining about how fat she was.
How do you think your mother’s body image impacted on yours? If you have a daughter, are you conscious about the messages you send?
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I had a eating disorder for years, never quite bad enough to be hospitalised but a battle that eclipsed my life for a long time. It still manifests occasionally and it is something I feel I am vulnerable to still to this day. My mother is slim and I am naturally slim too, she watches her weight, works out but she is healthy not obsessed and rarely mentions weight. My family never mentioned my weight much that I can remember however my parents have always been fairly critical of what I do and… well everything. I feel this criticism although not directed about weight had something to do with my eating disorder, I felt inadequate often and was never told I was fantastic/beautiful/intelligent so I doubted myself. Mothers please build you daughters up, I have extremely kind and loving parents and it would break their heart to know I felt this way, it was never intentional but their actions and words did affect my whole sense of self.
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My mum was always complaining about her weight and going on fad diets and exercise programs, despite the fact that she was actually quite skinny, especially compared to other mums I saw. When I was a teen I stacked on some weight and was heavier than my mother. I kept thinking that if she was fat then I must have been obese. I struggled with my weight for a very long time also doing fad diets and exercise programs. I finally grew to be OK with my body. Then I had a baby and my body is bigger than it used to be. I am unhappy with how I look now but at the same time I don’t want to influence my daughter by saying that I feel fat and ugly in front of her. I am really not sure what to do when I feel fat and ugly but don’t want it to come across in front of my daughter. I hope I can again grow to be OK with my new body and teach her that looks don’t matter.
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I definately agree with this article. My Mum suffered from anorexia in her early to mid 20s and I don’t think she’s every really recovered. She’s always complaining about how fat she is and putting herself on new diets. On top of that, her own issues with food and weight have made her self-conscious of me and my body. Eg; she often says things to me like, “You would be so beautiful if only you lost a few kilos” or “You’d only need to lose 5kg and you’d be perfect”….she then wonders why I get self-conscious of myself and won’t go to the beach.
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I have a best friend who seriosly worrys me. She’s the skiniest in my friendship group, by far. Everyone always thinks shes pretty and she is naturally trim. Despite this she is constantly obsessed with her weight. She gets depressed if she eats and constantly talks about how fat she is, even disscussing becoming bulimic. Her mother is painfully thin smokes after big meals because she says she feels guilty and told her daughter to eat less.
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Try talking to your friend, even if she is hostile, tell her you are worried and ask if she needs to talk about anything. Friends need to support each other and not turn a blind eye…
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For me it had nothing to do with my mother. I starved myself when I was 15 because of the crap i was reading in magazines. page after page of lies – diets, airbrushing, sex – that was enough to do my head in. We need to stop blaming mothers so much and realise that the broader culture has a huge impact, especially the poison that is sold to little girls in the form of Dolly, Girlfriend and now even younger with magazines like “Total Girl.” Everywhere girls get the message that their value lies with being hot sexy and thin.
I also wish the beauty industry, fashion mags would stop trying to dodge responsibility for what they have done to girls and women.
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agreed, eating disorders are far more complicated than a mothers influence even if this is a contributing factor
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My mother was a ballerina who had to battle to stay thin to keep her job, she barely ate despite dancing 8 hours a day.
With me, the diets and ‘recommendations’ started when I was 13 and the suggestions to ‘just tone up and lose 2 kilos’. We live in separate states now and a couple of years ago I mentioned that it took her two whole days of visiting before she brought up the idea that I lose weight, which initiated some huge heart to heart discussions about what we both think is acceptable.
I’ve never been overweight, not even close, but she just finds it very hard to understand that I can be happy and make a living without being a stick figure and constantly denying myself.
I do credit her with giving me an awareness of healthy living at a young age that has meant I’ve never let me weight get out of control – but now it’s me putting the pressure on her to relax and stop worrying about gaining weight – she deserves it, she’s nearly 60!
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More mother blaming! How about some recognition of the social context – that mothers are women too and have to live up to unrealistic expectations of their bodies?
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Amen sister!
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Wow, I must be lucky. My mother has spent her whole adult life dieting and trying gimmick after gimmick, being bulimic and god knows what else.. and my sister and I remain totally unscathed with no eating disorder issues. I can’t say that I’ve always liked my body but in regards to eating and food I’ve always respected it.
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I grew up with a mum who hated her ‘tiny boobs’ (she didn’t wear bras coz they didn’t do any small enough then) and curvy butt and thighs. It was always clear to me that she resented not having larger breasts.
When I was 13 and ‘needed’ to get my first bra it was so humiliating.
My sister was a lot skinnier than me, different body type, and my mum would make little comments about how even the doctor thought she was almost anorexic-skinny, even though my sister did eat as much as me. My mum was very proud of this.
I developed full-blown anorexia and a couple of years later my sister did too. I wouldn’t see the psych without my mum there, I didn’t want any blame put on her and I didn’t want the psych to ask me any direct questions about my relationship with my mum.
Needless to say, that side of the treatment didn’t work well.
In all other areas my relationship with my mum has been great. In all other areas she has been supportive, kind, and so loving.
It wasn’t until I moved away and the whole dynamics of our relationship changed that I really got over the eating disorder. It has been over 10 years now and I haven’t relapsed.
My relationship with my mum is a lot more distant, I often feel resentment there from her and probably from me too; there are many things we cannot communicate.
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Hey, I’m really glad you’re doing well in recovery.
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My ethnic grandmother is the QUEEN of judging what we put into our mouths, buit heaven forbid we didn’t eat our food/finish the plate- then we must be ill or somethingwas wrong. There’s a whole bag of mixed up right there!!!!
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growing up we never had scales, my mum never wore make-up (only lipstick for special occasions) and she never once bought a trashy mag. My mum is very secure in how she looks, and never dieted or spoke badly about herself. Those behaviours werent purposeful- thats just how she lives, and to this day she probably isnt aware that she’s like this..
I feel so lucky to have had the upbringing that I had. It wasn’t until I was about 18 that I started to watch what I ate- and once you start you cant stop! I am happy with my body image and I honestly believe my mothers attitude played a massive role in the way I think and feel about myself.
I find it so sad that children as young as 5 are watching their weight and body image, it must be such a waste of emotion.
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Haven’t read the other replies yet – but this issue of role-modeling for our children, encompasses so much more than our relationship with food.
Every time we pass negative judgement – whether about our hair, skin, wrinkles, thighs, lack of style – we are modelling a message of self-loathing to our kids.
I’ve had my own issues with bulimia and being overly self-critical – now I prefer to focus on the positives. It’s a skill that can be learned – even after years of negative self-talk.
In our household we focus on eating for health. My kids are learning to eat more of the right kinds of ‘growing food’ instead of empty sugar hits. I try to teach my kids to value how their bodies feel fit and alive, rather than how they look.
We place most of our emphasis upon developing good character and having a ‘good heart’. I do my best to stamp out ‘trash talking’ other people. I think too much gossip or comparison-making is bad for anyone’s self-esteem in the long term.
We need to teach them to look
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Hi Em. I relate to your story as I grew up with bulimia and used to constantly compare myself to others and tell myself horrible things! I have a 20mth old daughter and this has been a wake up that I am no longer working on it daily for myself, but now, also for her future health and wellbeing.
I love that your focus is on eating for health and that you teach your kids about ‘growing foods’. What a beautiful way to raise your kids
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I’ve been thinking about this for the past week. My daughter came home from school and said she has the “fattest legs in year 1″. Year 1. I think I have a pretty good relationship with food and my body but now this article has made me paranoid. Is it possible that I have somehow given her a bad body image? Arrgg. Geez, now I have to ponder about whether I’m one of those mothers who has a problem but doesn’t recognise it. I don’t think so, but…. For the record my daughter is a magnificent, healthy, strong little girl, which is what I tell her. There are also only 4 girls in year one at her school which doesn’t really give her a good sample!! I hope this is just a passing phase, fingers crossed.
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Goodness Frankie….. That is shocking to think that a year 1 would already be worrying about that. It is quite amazing that it is instilled from such a young age to be thinner, skinnier, more attractive. I am so glad I have boys, but…. my 7 year old already knows how bad obesity is and that he has said to me “I won’t have too much ice-cream, I will get too fat”.
I love that you tell her that she is magnificent, strong and healthy. That is what I tell my boys too! I say to them looks aren’t important, but health is.
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I know, especially year 1 in a tiny town! It might have been a one off comment at school that she’s latched onto.
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There might be some truth in this, but the daily mail is just a terrible source to draw from – One of the worst tabloids for sensationalism in Britain.
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My Mum has always had a really healthy attitude to food, never on diets or eating “fat free” or anything like that, so I’ve grown up loving food but knowing how to keep a healthy balanced happy medium.
On the other hand, my husband’s Mum was always on a diet and my husband had an attrocious relationship with food. Even now he has issues with certain things and I do worry about imparting those feelings to our future kids.
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This comment may cause controversy so I’m posting as anonymous for this one.
I personally believe there are three types of Eating Disorders-
a) Biological eating disorders- no real specific cause other than a brain chemical thing- much like most mental illnesses.
b) Social eating disorders- a person chooses/is pressured to eat a certain way based on social factors (e.g. thinking they’re not good enough) and it then becomes an obsession. These are the people that practice disordered eating patterns (and/or excessive exercise) out of habit to the point that it becomes an addiction.
c) Attention eating disorders. This is the controversial bit. Some people “appear” to have an eating disorder because they want attention/because they feel it’s cool/because they want to be special. In high school I knew a girl who would detail all her “anorexic behaviour” and tell us all about her “bulimic” experiences. I knew a number of girls who would decide not to eat lunch in front of males, or in front of other people, just to seem like they were “dieting”, and most of the girls would constantly comment about how fat and ugly they thought they were, whilst in the same sentence saying that they thought they were prettier than someone else!
Having experienced what I would call eating disorder type b myself (one day I decided I needed to lose weight after being overweight for most of my childhood, and then I regularly skipped meals or purged after eating- I carried out this behaviour for 2.5 years until I was snapped out of the routine by a very caring and concerned boyfriend), I found it quite easy to tell the difference between someone who was pretending to have an eating disorder, and someone who actually did. The biggest clue- an eating disorder sufferer will hide it, BIG TIME. I’m not going to describe some of the sneaky behaviours I practiced as I don’t want to give anyone ideas, but yeah, there was no way I would proudly proclaim “I’m anorexic!!” like some of the girls I went to school with. My family to this day have no idea I ever had a problem. My closest friends are aware of what happened, but only because my high school boyfriend found out and held an intervention. I’m ashamed of the behaviour. In my experience, being, or having been a sufferer of an eating disorder is not something to be proud of or to show off with.
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Eating Disorders, physical and mental health disorders triggered by malnutrition in genetically predisposed people. Life threatening illnesses with serious physiological and psychological effects.
Disordered Eating, very common, but not the same as an Eating Disorder.
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I actually disagree. Just because someone talks about having an eating disorder doesn’t mean that they don’t have it. I know I talk about my illness, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t sick. It just means change and education are things I’m passionate about.
I also disagree for a lot of your attention comments. I don’t believe someone starving themselves because they want attention is indicative of an eating disorder, yes. But I think it’s also important to understand that terms such as anorexia and bulimia are easily throwing around, not through any malice, but simply through ignorance and lack of fear of the names.
As well as that, I actually dislike terming those attention seeking diets in the ‘eating disorders’ category. An eating disorder is a severe psychological illness with an extremely high mortality rate. Disordered eating? It sucks, it might cause some health complications, but it’s not the psychological torture associated with an ED.
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I disagree. I am assuming that you are not a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist, therefore your personal opinion about “categories” of eating disorders is just that – a personal opinion related to your personal experience which cannot possibly describe the experience of all eating disorder sufferers.
I am surprised that you say that a caring boyfriend meant you “snapped out of the routine” of an eating disorder. Although I’m sure your eating habits were unhealthy and destructive, nobody can just “snap out of” an eating disorder. By saying this, I really feel that what you experience, painful and dangerous as it was, cannot be at the same level as girls who are hospitalised and fighting for their lives because of this condition.
I have to agree with what Mama M said – disordered eating is NOT the same as an eating disorder.
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I completely agree, I had a eating disorder and it was all enveloping. I felt a huge, tremendous amount of shame about it and always claimed to be naturally skinny and healthy…My family knows but my friends only suspected it. It was the one thing in my life I hid, I would go to extreme lengths to hide it because of the shame, guilt embarrassment and self loathing I felt about it. I still feel this way and will never tell anyone.
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I remember the first time I became evident of my weight and how I was “fatter” than my peers in year 5 (aged 10!) when for some exercise or another, we had to weigh ourselves. I was 33kilos. A lot of other girls were under 30. By year 7 I was very aware of my body next to other girls (most of who were far taller than me as well as being more slender).
It wasn’t until I was 16 that I made conscious decisions with my weight (I weighed 58kg). All it took was, after mentioning to a friend how gorgeous her cousin was (as in she is a stunningly beautiful girl), that my friend said “well she used to be a lot fatter, and then she stopped eating lunch”… within 2 months I was 46kg.
I never identified with having an ED because when I lost weight I never still saw myself as fat. In fact, I knew I was too thin, and did make effort to get up to 50kg by end of year 12.
What really changed how I started to view myself, was actually the choices I was demonstrating to my niece. At 7 years old (I was 17), she told her mother that she was only ever going to eat salad as “thats what Aunty eats and she’s really skinny”. I knew then that I had to make a conscious decision to appear as though I was eating both “good and bad” foods and not consciously try to be thin (I must counter this with the fact that my sister has been overweight since a late teenager so I’m sure my niece noticed those differences and the different choices we made food-wise too).
My mother has shaped the way I view my body, but not so much in my early teens, but more my late teens and now into my early 20s. By 19 I stopped eating so much salad. I changed jobs to one where I was on my arse 8 hours a day and never implemented any exercise routine. I was also fond of my 3pm chocolate snack! I’ve steadily gained weight over the past 4 years and am not thrilled about it. After I hit about 65kg, I noticed a great change in the way my mother viewed MY body, suddenly clothes would look a lot better if “you just lost a little weight around your hips” or “do you really need to have that second bowl of pasta”… what really irks me though is even though I’ve gained weight, my mother has always been larger than me. She’s done a few diets here and there but nothing with significant, long term results. So it gives me the absolute shits that she feels it ok to comment on my weight, but does absolutely nothing about her own.
Overall, I would say the fact that most of my family are on the larger side, coupled with internal pressure to fit in with peers has led to my issues with food.
Even now, after getting sick a few weeks ago and completely losing my appetite, I have noticed myself restricting what I’m eating even though my appetite is back. Not to say I’m missing meals (although I didn’t eat dinner after getting home from uni at 9pm last night!), just consciously making decisions to eat smaller portions, not snack so much, cut out a lot of sugar, etc. I could do well to lose 20 kg so I’m not worried, but I guess in the back of my mind I hope I am strong enough to be happy with myself at any weight and often say to a close friend “I never want to go back to 45kg”. I love my curves, I would just like at some point to lose the handles around the curves!
Finally (and, sorry this is so long!), I recently said to a friend “I spent years keeping weight off and starving myself, then I spent a few years enjoying food, and now I’m at a point to find a happy medium”…
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“I spent years keeping weight off and starving myself, then I spent a few years enjoying food, and now I’m at a point to find a happy medium”
I love that quote!! I can very much relate there!! xoxo
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My sister had anoriexa but my mother has never been on a diet, she has never talked about weight issues until now as we got older those topics where open for conversation more because of what was happening.
She became AN because of stress & change not because of my mother.
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similarly, my sister had anorexia, but it was not about food, or being ‘thin’. rather it was borne from feeling out of control; it was a stressful period at school and our family had some issues going on at the time….
i know it’s not the intention of this article, but i think we need to be careful not to brand the parents of anorexia sufferers as the instigators. my mum wasn’t at fault, she’s always fostered a healthy opinion of food and exercise among her children. that dark period of our family history haunts her still. i don’t think anyone needs to be unecessarily beating motehrs with the blame stick.
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I think that I am a perfectly healthy weight as I exercise regulary and eat well. It does fluctuate by a few kilos occassionally, but hey! On occassion I even get the envious ‘OMG your a stick!!’ comments from my girlfriends. However my mum has always battled with her weight and I honestly cant remember a time where she wasnt all ‘diet starts tomorrow’ and complaining about how fat she looked. I can understand that she doesnt want that to happen to me, but she does drop the odd comment if i have gained 2 or 3 kilos (I can understand that its out of pure love that she doesnt want me to get ‘fat’) but I really think that is does have a negative impact on my body image. Ive tried explaining to her that her somewhat fixation with weight isnt really, uh, helpful when you have a teenage daughter. I havent had an eating disorder but there have definately been times in my early and mid teens that i was particularly obessive with exercise and what went in my mouth.
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I’ve always modeled a good relationship with my body for my children. They’ve never heard me trash talk my body, even in jest. We eat healthy family dinners together every evening. I have never dieted. We don’t have women’s magazines (“Lose 50 lbs in 2 days!!”) or fashion magazines around the house. I didn’t let my girls have Barbies when they were little because I didn’t want them to have unrealistic body expectations. They had more normal-shaped dolls instead.
Basically, I’ve been vigilant about eating disorders and about as pro-active as you can get.
And yet. My happy well-adjusted teenager has anorexia. She decided to lose a few pounds (NOT because of my influence) and that is all it took to ignite the genetics of AN that were lying dormant within her.
Far from being the cause of her eating disorder, I was her best ally in beating it. I know her, love her, and was willing to put up with her distress. By feeding her to her healthy weight, her brain was able to heal. Now, 1.5 years after her AN sent her to the hospital, she is FULLY recovered and living a free and happy life as a college freshman.
Anorexia is not a choice. It is a biological brain disease that is triggered by malnutrition. Kids do not choose it and parents do not cause it.
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Although I’m sure there is some truth to this study, what the article fails to realise is that eating disorders are very complex illnesses that are not just about body image. People with eating disorders have been found to have a genetic predisposition to developing the illness. Eating disorders aren’t just a diet gone wrong and therefore cannot be explained by a mother’s dieting or poor body image.
I have been in recovery from anorexia for two years. I did not have issues with body image prior to developing anorexia. It was triggered by stressful events in my life. My mother’s eating habits had nothing to do with it either. I actually find it offensive that people point the finger of blame at my mother.
Personally, I feel sorry for the parents who have to deal not only with this devastating and deadly illness which tears families apart, but also with the view that it is all their fault.
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Thank you, Kat! You are beautiful. As a mother supporting my own daughter’s recovery from an ED right now, I so appreciate your thoughts. Your mom is a lucky mom (and has done a lot right!) to have a daughter like you. My daughter never heard me complain about my body. I have a small build, am happy with myself, and eat heartily. We have always eaten together as a family. I was surprised when I realized that my daughter had an eating disorder, but I shouldn’t have been. She has always been a perfectionist, which I think predisposes one to a potential ED. But it was the “healthy eating” messages that she got from society that made her fear food, not a desire to be thinner. (She was already small – it is our family genetics.) I have heard so many instances of kids who develop eating disorders after learning about nutrition in school health classes. My daughter picked up her thoughts about food from relatives, then started reading books like “Eat This, Not That”. Voila, ed was born. I think we need to consider the message that we as a society are sending to our kids.
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I feel my eating disorder was triggered from a stressful event, body image and a desire for control over my life, it was a diet that developed into addiction. My mother never had issues with food, in fact I envy her healthy and holistic attitude to food. ED are so complicated and really impacted on my family, but would not be where I am today without my mothers help in that terrible and dark days, she was my number one supporter and I could not have done it without her, I feel guilty at putting her through it but I love her more than ever, she sis everything she could to be there for me.
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To a certain degree, I agree with this- My mum never dieted, talked about her looks, wore much make up or even had bathroom scales in the house while my sister and I were growing up, and we both have a healthy relationship with our body. Also, it makes me sick when I hear my friends mothers talk about weightloss and ageing, because often I can see the effects in my friends- to the point that I almost want to forward this article to them.
HOWEVER a high school teacher (who is now a family friend) has a daughter who suffers anorexia. She was and is an amazing role model for and teacher in so many ways, as she is an incredibly wise, intelligent, self confident and generally happy woman, who places all of these traits above physical appearance. Also, her eldest daughter does not suffer from any eating disorder.
I understand that this article may often represent the truth, but the stigma of it ‘being the mothers fault’ has been just another stressful hurdle for the family to overcome. Anorexia, like any mental illness, is complicated and to simplify it like this seems obscene.
My point is, I absolutely and wholly believe in the importance of being a good body image role model to your children, but please dont forget that there is always an exception to the majority.
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Thank you, yes ED’s are complicated. They are NOT about food, they are more likely about perfection and perception. Please people dont look to mothers as the source, do doctors do this when your child comes in with a diagnosis for diabetes?
Genetics plays a part in many illnesses, you dont get blamed for passing on heart disease, should your child develop it, why the blame for eating disorders?
Anorexia has been documented well before mass media, its definition is “NERVOUS LOSS OF APPETITE”.
The cure is support, regular meals and good therapy.
Patients resist treatment and that makes it hard for the carer, but when you get your child back its worth all the effort.
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I’m quite amazed by some of the responses. I’m pretty sure this article wasn’t designed to offend people. Mia didn’t just pull the statistic out of her nostril. It’s pretty well known around the eating disorders community that if you’re a mother who has body image/dieting issues, you’re probably going to have a kid who does too. At least, there is a much greater liklihood of it.
Also, while mothers of eating disordered children are on here, there are millions more who aren’t. There are thousands of women out there who don’t know their children have eating disorders. There are thousands of women out there who had a desperate plea from their daughters and sons for help; which they didn’t take seriously. So just because you’re a ‘good’ parent doing what you can to help your child doesn’t mean that every parent is. Just because you don’t have issues with body image doesn’t mean that other parents do.
Gosh, I get that it’s a sensitive issue. No one is suggesting mothers are solely to blame. No one is to blame. Laying it down on only mothers, only media, only popular culture, only genetics is ignorance (until science or a really awesome longitudinal study proves otherwise).
In the meantime, it seriously sounds like some of you just need to get off your high horses and just listen to this article.
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they only talked to around 500 people hardly a indepth poll.
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I agree with most of what your saying, on the other end of the spectrum, parents who are obese are much more likely to have obese children… its not a blame thing, its a fact. So what do you do with the info? arm yourself with it – knowldge is power…
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Definitely knowledge is power. The more knowledge, the greater hope you have. Learn about it, even if you don’t think it will impact you. If you see anything – intervene early. Listen with your eyes and your heart – but don’t always listen wtih your ears (and ED sufferer rarely tells the truth about what they are eating/how they are feeling). If your child gets the illness, don’t blame them – fight WITH them, fight FOR them when they can’t fight.
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The article might be legit, but i think people are responding to the hidden agenda of promoting such an article, which is as follows:
“Look, it’s not the fault of magazines and media that continually rub a thin ideal in our faces complete with cosmetic surgery and airbrushing. It’s your mothers fault. Business and profits as usual.”
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I’m a Personal Trainer, and I also happen to be slightly above the ‘normal’ BMI category. I am perfectly and genuinely happy with my body – it’s fit, strong, healthy, and it bore two fabulous kids. However, the industry I’m in does promote the ideal of thin. Nobody really believes you can be truly fit, if you’re not also thin. I am making it (one of) my life goal(s) to be a living example that health can come in all shapes and sizes. I NEVER criticise my own body, or anyone else’s, and I never will – and I will be teaching my kids the same thing. Unfortunately, I won’t be the only influence in their lives, but I’ll be doing my utmost to lead through example.
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Thats great carmel! I am considered overweight, but while I could probably stand to lose some weight, I was told by a dietician that for me to reach my ideal BMI, I would have to go extreme with dieting, ie ED style. I am tall, big shoulders, big boobs, big hips and quite muscly naturally. The BMI takes none of that into consideration, nor gender.
Mind you, I was told by a nurse to keep losing weight but not put on any muscle too. WTF??? Bit difficult when your major exercise is swimming! I was working with the PTs at the time, and told my boss what the nurse had said and she went ballistic!
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And just because someone is thin it doesn’t mean they are fit! I don’t really know why the BMI is still in use …because it’s easy to calculate?
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For me it wasn’t my maternal mother but my step mother who I lived with half time in my teenage years. I remember so clearly after a shopping trip with her, her coming up to my room and telling me if i didn’t lose weight we wouldn’t be able to shop at ‘normal ‘ places. I was 13. I’ve always had issues with acceptance. I controlled my eating from such a young age that i didn’t know what i was doing had a name. I wanted acceptance from step mother and the father who left me at age 5 and re appeared with a much younger and thinner wife with new children in tow. I’ve struggled on and off with eating disorders for the past 9 years predominately anorexia. The first time I semi recovered it was because of the image of my mother crying sobbing on my bed when i was 15. I remember everything about that moment the pajamas i was wearing what she said. I still feel the pain. even though i’ve gone back down the path more recently it stays with me that love i have for her, I don;t want to hurt her. She told me once that when i was at my worst she saw a psychologist and she learnt not to go down the dark hole with me. thats something i carry through with me now i apply it to friends to my alcoholic father, relationships. Be there, but don’t go down there.
I’m sure that mother figures can be a contributer to eating disorders after all they’re who we look to affirmation, love and most importantly as a role model. But there are so many other influences, fashion monthlies, tv movies.
Mothers aren’t always the cause but i do believe they can me cure.
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My mother never dieted, never had body issues, never talked negatively about food at all. I don’t have any problems with the body I have whatsoever and I don’t think twice if I feel like indulging in chocolate cake.
I think there’s probably a healthier way for parents to teach their children about nutrition than having an angsty mother who is starving herself or a father calling them a “heifer” (rude jerk).
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What do you write here….
Another article that blames a parent for a child’s ed. I guess that as a parent of a child with BN, you get a little tired of this out of date pillaring of the very people that are in the trenches to help their child recover.
What if what Louie said is correct? That there is a biological basis for an ED that certain families have a tendency towards? Combined with the overwhelming immersion of our children in a society obsessed with size, fashion and celebrity – it is little wonder that eating disorders are on the increase.
I would recommend anyone who wants to point fingers at the parents, especially the mother, to maybe get up to date with the treatments that work for eating disorders. I was told by so called experts that my daughter had to ‘do it on her own’ – if anyone out there has managed to successfully overcome an ED on their own – I take my hat off to you, as it is the single most difficult thing I think my daughter will ever do.
Maudsley Family Based Therapy http://eating-disorder-recovery.suite101.com/article.cfm/what-is-the-maudsley-approach is an evidence based treatment that has given my daughter hope of a ED free future.
Leave the mothers alone and let us get on with refeeding our children.
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Thanks Mym … all the best to you and your daughter, I’m sure you’re a great mum.
As a mum to a teenage girl I know full well, that soemtimes regardless of intentions and devotion to your child, things will still go wrong. x
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While I agree that mum’s are a big factor, I note that it was 40% of the girls who said their mum was the biggest influence – I would love to know what the other 60% said.
This survey was done by a magazine similar to Dolly
http://www.sugarscape.com/
While I’m sure the survey gives an indication of what teenage girls are thinking, a sample size of 500+ is quite small in relation to all girls aged 12 – 18 in the UK.
My story rejects the theory that mothers cause body image / eating issues:
My mum was(is) one of the most insecure women I have ever met, she was constantly banging on about her appearance, dieting, and complaining that clothes didn’t fit her properly etc.
I grew up with no body image issues and no eating issues.
My daughter would never have seen me diet (exercise yes) and she would have never heard me say negative things about myself.
She has grown up to have a ‘not so great’ relationship with food.
I personally think peers are a bigger influence on teenage girls eating and body image issues than their mothers are.
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Hey TRS, I’m wondering…you say you have no body image issues, but you have been quite open in admitting you have had plastic surgery… so there are elements of your body you have disliked enough to change, right? Isn’t that still sending a message about body image? Whether it is dieting to make your thighs skinnier or having implants to make your breasts bigger, they are surely both on the spectrum of ‘body image.’
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I think you’ve made a great point… that no, a mother’s attitude towards body/food does not necessarily pass on to daughter/child.
However, I don’t think you can’t rule it out altogether for every case. My mother was only voicing her own self hatred and insecurities. But I chose subconsciously) at an early age to take those insecurities on board and adopt them as my own, to the point of fearing weight gain more than failing subjects in school. Actually TRS, lately I’ve been thinking back to something you once said (or that your therapist said…) that has stuck with me…. a large part of our personality is inherited, so maybe some of us inherit the “I hate my body I’m so fat” insecurity gene. Either way, my mother had it with a vengeance, as did I and both my sisters…
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Hi AJ,
Good question, thanks for asking. The part of my body that I wanted to change was my boobs, because I didn’t want stockings with wet sand in the ends after my pregnancy.
When I had that done, she was very young (5), and I was always very careful not to let her hear me speaking negatively about myself. Apart from being unhappy with my saggy baggy boobs I have always been happy with every other aspect of the way I look. I can’t rule it out completely, so yes, I guess my boob job could have had an affect on my daughter.
Having said that, I can pinpoint the exact moment that her body image issues began – when she came home from school in Year 6 and said that she had been teased by other girls because she was fat. And again it accelerated in Yr 8 when boys told her she was fat. With respect to her, I will keep it to that.
I’ll give you another example though, my aunt has had several surgical procedures & always been a dieter, always been very body conscious – her two grown up daughters both have very healthy positive body image.
Body image is complex issue – there are many external factors that come into play – many of them are out of our control.
But all I know is that Miss18 and I have both been seeing the same therapist for years (due to a variety of personal reasons) and my boobs affecting her ‘self image’ has never come up as an issue.
But I’ll discuss it with him next time I see him and see what he thinks .. x
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Hi Cindy,
I absolutely agree that mum’s def do play a part, but there are sooo many other external factors that come into play aswell.
And yes – that’s a great point, maybe our propensity to absorb and adopt that behaviour/belief depends on our genetic predisposition.
My mother has 3 sisters, and they all grew up very insecure, low self esteem and poor body image (their mother was worse) – and out of the 4 female cousins born of the 4 sisters – only one developed eating disorders and body image issues (my sister).
I’m really interested in this (genetic) aspect now – you’ve lit a little light for me & I’m gonna make an appointment with my therapist to see what he thinks.
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My eating disorder which was very severe definitely did not come from my mother, for some it might but there is never one sole cause for an Ed there are a multitude of triggers
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What about daughters of mothers who are naturally thin? I have always been thin, never dieted and my husband and I are thinking of having children soon.
I have lately been thinking about what type of a role model I would be and if my daughter would have a harder time if she is bigger than I am/was as a teenager. Probably just worrying for nothing, but has anyone experience anything similar?
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My mother was very thin naturally, and I wasn’t. I was actually fairly thin/slender as a teenager, but didn’t realise it at the time, because I had my mother in mind as a standard of “thin”.
It’s probably best to teach your daughter (or sons) about different body types, & how “different from dad/mum” can still be “normal”. And be careful about being hyper-critical of yourself on other, non-weight body issues. If a kid hears you saying “I hate my nose / small boobs / freckles”, that still sends messages about body image.
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I was naturally very thin as a teenager, though not so now. I know that my eldest daughter compared herself to me as a teen when she developed an ED as a teen, she was a bit fatter than I was as a teen but not much. I had never made a big deal about what I looked like as a teenager, it seemed to be something she latched onto at that time.
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Oh yes. I have a long family history with ED’s that I think I may have touched on before. My mum was a Limits, WW, Gloria Marshall, diet pills, fags and coffee, TAB, Pritikin, Israeli Army, Grapefruit, Cabbage Soup and whatever else fan. And she fucked her metabolism completely. She has always lied about her height, weight and dress size – which as a young woman I interpreted as “mum is the same weight/size as I am and she’s fat, so I must be too”. I got shipped off to WW at 14 where I began my career of calorie counting, restricting food and general obsession until I was living off an apple and a diet coke a day. And then binging on KFC and chucking it back up again. My skin was shit, I did dreadful things to my teeth, not to mention the rest of me. And when I tried to get myself out of the hole I was in, my mother refused to help me pay for counselling, as the counsellor wanted me to talk to her about things that she didn’t wish to discuss. Lovely.
The point is I grew up thinking it was normal to always be on one diet or another. To hate your body. To be at war with food. It’s not normal. Quite frankly, it’s pretty shithouse.
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I absolutely agree that the closest people around us have a profound impact on the way we view the world. If they encourage us to hold certain values or beliefs then it is more likely than not that we will also accept them as being ‘true’ at some level. However, most of us also have the ability to exercise independent thought.
Take the example given in the article about the 14 year old whose dad say’s she’s a heifer. She says that she’s stopped eating as much b/c she can’t bear it. Maybe I’m reading too much into her comment but it seems that he choice not to eat as much is b/c she doesn’t want to be seen as a someone who gorges herself on food rather than someone who views herself as truly overweight. The difference might be a subtle one but it does demonstrate that she is exercising independent thought about the issue and isn’t a ‘mind’ slave to her father’s views about it.
Having said all that I had virtually the same experience as you Clarewithanenotani and it took me 20 years to start having a healthy relationship with food. Those were 20 cruddy years of feeling like a troll most of the time. So I suppose the trick is to encourage kids to think independently and make the choices that are right for them.
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Interesting. This certainly has been the case for me.. My mother has always been kinda large, and lacks confidence, although I know she is a very beautiful woman with a lovely face. I never really thought about it, but now that its been mentioned, I realise how true it is for me. Sad.
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women who talk about weight, dieting etc in front of their children give me the irrits. i think it is really inappropriate, my MIL talks about her latest exercise and diet stuff quite a lot and i am getting to the point where i am going to ask her politely to stop as my daughter is nearly 5 and is very aware of our conversation.
i don’t even feel comfortable weighing myself in front of the kids, the longer they are unaware of that stuff the better!
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This is completely consistent with my experience. I worked for over a decade in mental health inpatient units and I can’t remember ever having an anorexic patient that didn’t have a dysfunctional mother. I know it sounds harsh and I am sure there will be mothers of anorexics that will be deeply offended by my comment, but, I urge any of you with daughters or sons suffering from this illness to get youself into therapy. It will help the mother and it will help the mother help the child.
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Sorry you are looking at a family from the outside, there is NO PERFECT family unit.
Do not judge people when they are in hospital facing a life threatening and baffling illness. If you are this way inclined please leave the mental health field, take a good look at your our mental health and when you can nurse without judgements then you may be better qualified.
It was these attitudes that let down our children when they meed the most help.
I defy ANYONE when in hospital and at there wits end to come across as NORMAL, what is normal anyway?
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I agree during my time at an inpatient treatment facility for anorexia my mother probably looked somewhat dysfunctional from an observer. I don’t believe she had a role in my illness and the majority of other patients felt the same way. Eating disorders are a very personal issue and the majority of pressure is placed on the patient by the patient. Its not really something that can be speculated upon with out first hand experience.
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Well I had a severe ED and no my mother NEVER had eating issues and is far from disfunctional, I would put her as the last reason for my ED, mine was triggered by an event. Sorry but I do find your comment offensive.
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I live in area where skinny is beautiful and a night out for dinner with girlfriends involves very little food being eaten. Or if it is most of them have not eaten anything all day because they are going out for dinner. All the women I’m thinking of while typing this have daughters. Beautiful daughters. Who see their mums starve and deprive themselves and chase their food around a plate to be able to wear small sizes. This is sending the girls a terrible message and I can only wonder how they will survive their teenage years with this example being set at home.
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