GUEST POST: Muffled by a metaphor
Do you like this story?
When I first read this piece by the prolific Kerri Sackville, I thought it was brilliant and moving and straight away asked her if I could publish it here. She kindly agreed and here is it…..
There was one discordant element in my nine-year-old son’s marked homework assignment. The task had been to write a description of his school journal. My son’s journal is covered in pictures of everything meaningful tohim, from his beloved green jacket, to the Pokémon characters he adores, to photographs of his immediate family. Until recently, his family consisted of his father and me, his sister, his grandparents, and his aunt Tanya. Just over a year ago, however, everything changed. His aunt – my only sibling – died tragically when I was heavily pregnant, and our new baby girl was born just three weeks later.
“The photos include my gorgeous, adorable baby sister, and my dead aunt Tanya,” my son had written in his report. When I first read these words, I was touched. The love he has for his baby sister – his description of her as gorgeous and adorable – nearly brought tears to my eyes. And I saw nothing inappropriate about “dead aunt”. After all, Tanya is dead. She was dearly loved, and is horribly missed, but unfortunately she is no longer living. She has died.
His teacher, however, did not agree. When the homework was returned, there was a circle of bright red pen enclosing the words “dead aunt”. Underneath this circle was a resolute arrow pointing to replacement wording, written in her own hand: “my aunt who sadly passed away”. This, she clearly believed, was a description more fitting to a person who is not alive.
Noticing the teacher’s correction, I was distressed, to say the least. Why on earth were my son’s words altered? As far as I knew, there was nothing grammatically incorrect about the term ‘dead aunt’. We say ‘dead man’, ‘dead flower’, ‘dead fish’ – why not ‘dead aunt’? It seemed obvious that the teacher’s objection to the phrase had nothing at all to do with grammar, nor the spelling of the words, which was perfect. Her objection reflected her own
discomfort with the bluntness of my son’s language. This reference to death, stark on the page, unmitigated by metaphor, was too much for her to bear.
I gently raised the topic with my son later that afternoon. “I noticed the teacher corrected those words,” I said. Before I could even tell him that it was okay, that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he mumbled, chastened, “I know, I know, I’ll fix it!” His discomfort made me even more angry. Why should he be made to feel ashamed of mentioning his aunt in the ‘wrong’ way? He loved her deeply, and was profoundly affected by her death. He rarely talks about her to anyone outside of the family (unlike my elder daughter who talks incessantly about her), and I found it very poignant that out of all the people pictured in his book, he mentioned only the baby and his aunt in
his writing.
My son’s teacher is a lovely person, and I do not believe she intended in any way to be insensitive. Her response to his words seems to me to reflect a societal, rather than personal, prejudice against certain references to death. However, the replacement phrase she chose did carry a subtle judgement. The implication was that my son was being disrespectful to his aunt’s memory, by failing to acknowledge the sadness of her death. More specifically,
the implication was that thinking of Tanya should always make him feel sad.
My son does not need reminding of the tragedy of Tanya’s death. He has lived the grief. He misses her terribly. But if he can speak of her, think of her, write about her without pain – if he can remember her with pleasure – then all the better. That is how we want him to think of her. That’s what she would have wanted too.
Why do we need euphemisms for death? Why do we need euphemisms at all? I was raised in a family that spoke plainly, and I have raised my own children in the same way. They don’t go ‘nigh nigh’ – they go to bed. They don’t have ‘pee pees’ or ‘front bottoms’ – they call their body parts by their proper names. When my youngest daughter
was born, she was born. And when my sister Tanya died, she died. My two older children have experienced death – they have lost a great-grandfather and an aunt – but they have never heard the term ‘passed away’. It’s not a term we use.
Who are we protecting when we use metaphors? Does the term ‘passed away’ alleviate the pain of death? I wonder if the teacher was attempting to protect my son from reality, or if she was trying to protect herself. Reading about a ‘dead aunt’ is hard; it conjures up all sorts of brutal images. ‘Passing away’ is much gentler and easier on the emotions, implying a peaceful transition from living to not living. My sister’s death, however, being
sudden and shocking, was most definitely not peaceful. Even if I did use the term, I wouldn’t use it in regard to her.
My son may have enjoyed discussing his aunt with his teacher, but the chance for that was lost the second the red pen hit the paper. At the very least, even without a dialogue, he would have benefitted from knowing that his teacher had read his description without unease. My children need to know that it is okay to talk or write about people who have died, that the dead are still in our lives via our thoughts and our memories, and that other people are strong enough to deal with it.
Of course, language is rich and colourful and I’m not advocating a world in which everything has one name only
and thesauruses become extinct. Phrases such as ‘kicked the bucket’, ‘met his maker’, ‘the big chill’… all have different connotations and add flavour and depth to our descriptions and interactions. But we shouldn’t be afraid of speaking plainly. We shouldn’t need to speak in metaphors. And we shouldn’t back away from other people speaking the truth.
I wish that this story had a noble ending. I wish I had confronted the teacher and been honest about my frustration and disappointment. But it wasn’t that simple. I did write a letter. I explained that my son hadn’t heard the term ‘passed away’ – that in our family, we use the term ‘died’, and that what he had written was natural and appropriate
for him. However, I told her that, should she prefer it, I would suggest to my son that he might use the term ‘late aunt’ in future. I guess I was afraid of being too confronting. I guess I was afraid of hurting her feelings.
In the end, I, too, turned to metaphor.
Beautiful Kerri. And thank you.
[image by Christine Lebrasseur]
*This piece was originally written for Sydney’s Child newspaper. You can follow Kerri on Twitter here and visit her legendary blog, Life And Other Crises, here.
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I have a few stars up there too
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I’m so glad that someone else has stars in the sky! It doesn’t matter about religion or beliefs, it gives comfort that nanny and poppy are there and looking after you. My Nan and Pop are stars in the sky for my niece. I LOVE THAT. Because its non religious, but is still comfort. Cripes. I know that Nan and Pop and whoever else are looking after me. I know it sounds a bit Ghost Whisperer, but its what I believe. And have seen and felt in action.
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Thank you xxx
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Dear Guest,
So glad that you’re not in charge of what goes into Mamamia’s blog.
No one would read it.
Hope you get a name soon.
And by the way, a bit of adivce, you seriously need to get your sensitivity chip replaced and maybe while you’re at it ………..a bit of an over- haul for the chip that helps you get the point.
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Most teachers are wonderful professionals. Where would our children be without them? But that doesn’t mean that when we believe they have mishandled a situation we can not discuss it. This is not judgement. Most parents have been in classrooms for more than 5 minutes. As a result most parents have witnessed some wonderfully talented individuals in action but also some that perhaps should have chosen a different career. Sometimes really good teachers get it wrong, just like really good parents.
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When I was not quite 3, my mum had a stillborn baby – my brother – at full term. I was only tiny, but I knew she was pregnant, I knew she was having a baby. When he died, I was told that mum “lost the baby” by a number of well meaning relatives who thought that was the best way to describe it to me. I know that they were all dealing with their own grief, however…when my mum had my half-brother 3 years later, the first thing I said to her in the hospital after he was born was “you won’t lose this brother will you mummy?” I didn’t understand that he had died, I understood that my negligent mother had lost him.
So we use died. My father-in-law died long before our kids were born, but they understand that Poppy died, which I think is better than just thinking they didn’t have a Poppy. We have lots of photos for them, and our son picked out a bright star in the sky that he thinks is Poppy, and he says goodnight to him every night.
Death is a part of life, and I don’t see the point in pussyfooting around it.
Kerri, hope your little fella is feeling ok about the whole experience with his teacher. Sometimes you just want to go in with all guns blazing, but it’s not always the right thing to do. I think you handled the situation really well. x
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I say ‘lost a baby’, because that’s a very hairy one for me… I never got to see it ‘alive’, even though it was ‘no longer alive’ all of a sudden. Technically I could correctly say: ‘my foetus died’, but who would say or think that? My hopes and dreams for my baby to be died is more accurate. That definition of ‘life’ and ‘death’ is very difficult when you consider yourself pro-choice, which I do. There just needs to be more words, I think.
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That wasn’t rambling at all. I am so sorry for your loss, and admire what a sensitive caring person you are to be worried about other people feeling awkward. It’s very selfless of you.
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I’d love for you to come into a classroom – for more than 5 minutes….like as an actual teacher and see how you go. Then judge teachers.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your little baby. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must have been.
Big hug and best wishes to you x
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yes and once again its all about the teachers- not their students… what happened to open communication as well? Red pens should be banned and comments should be said to the student directly not written down. Stuff her feelings- death is harsh and it is what it is- its not up to her to sugarcoat death. Well written piece and thought provoking…
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It is just so sad that his teacher missed a golden opportunity to talk to him – this could have opened up so many opportunities to both gauge how he’s coping and start to develop his own little network of support. Clearly his sentence was not due to a lack of appropriate vocabulary.
I know it can be confronting when kids bring up death – I have had a couple of interesting conversations with four and five year olds – but it is an opportunity to support them, not correct their wording. In one case, I think the five year old I was talking to was almost testing my reactions, to see what sort of teacher she had on her hands, almost a question of “Can this one be trusted to tell me the truth?” When I did sit and listen to her for a while, all sorts of questions came tumbling out. We ran the whole gamut of Lies We Know Adults Tell Us And Will You Tell Us The Truth? Santa, the Easter Bunny, why is the sky blue, how do babies get out of their mummies’ tummies (thank god she didn’t ask how they get in there in the first place), is God in the sky and why does he let people like her brother die… It wasn’t the easiest conversation I’ve ever had, but it’s one of those moments that as a teacher, you never forget, because this is why you (or I, anyway) become a teacher in the first place – to really connect with kids and make a difference. And I got to see how intelligent and insightful this little girl really was. Even better – I got to have a conversation with her mum about what we’d spoken about, and then they got to talk about it and bond more as a mum and daughter.
I feel sad that you and your son had to go through this, But I feel even sadder for the teacher, as she has missed out on one of those opportunities to have a lasting effect on a child’s life. And this was probably not the first time she has missed it.
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Maybe, because I am new to blogs and comments, I am continually shocked at how rude, toxic and disrespectful some of the comments are. But these toxic comments are more than compensated for by some very dear and lovely postings. I suppose it’s a bit like the people you meet in life. You give the toxic ones the flick and take the dear ones into your heart.
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I also wanted to say that I’m one of those people who uses metaphors in situations like death. I’m not certain why I do but I think it’s a combination of a few things. I worry that I might offend someone if I’m too direct. I also think that it has a lot to do with my upbringing. Growing up we did not speak English at home or amongst family. I learned English at school & by reading lots of books. These means do not really encourage you to be direct. Thank you Kerri I’ve learnt a thing or 2 from your beautifully written piece:)
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Wow! What a powerful piece. So beautifully written Kerri. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us. If we were all straight to the point & not so metaphoric the world would be a simpler & easier place to live as there would be no interpretation needed!
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i come from a very direct straight shooting family and i have spent my whole life beign smacked on the wrist for speaking plainly, it never made any sense iit still doesn’t. It bothers me more than it should but i get annoyed by what i consider overly meek mealy mouthed people, however apparently thats what i am supposed to changed my self into BAH! I can tell you i am less gracious at being pulled up on things these days.
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Everyone copes differently. I reckon the best for the supporter is to just be there and make sure that whoever you’re supporting knows you’re there.
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Yeah, RH, I am a straight shooter too. I hate dancing around issues – if there is a problem, say it straight, have it out, sort it out, move on! It really freaks people out. Not sure if its cos I am a chick and am like that, or it generally freaks them out. Just today, my sorta bloke came to speak to me at work about overcooked pasta – I said I ate it too and it seemed OK, but then said, No worries, I will do some more up to replace it. He kept on, and I said, its all good, will do some new up. Apparently this is being argumentative! I am at a loss with him all the time. Once, I was apparently meant to figure out that “I am sitting on the couch watching the footy” is meant to magically translate into “Please come over and watch it with me, I would like to see you”. When we finally got down to the nuts and bolts of it, I said “If you want me to come over, just say Oi woman! Come over!”.
I guess it just illustrates how some people are more comfortable with hints/euphemisms and some aren’t. Although, when his Darling Dad died last year, he had no trouble saying “My Dad died last week”.
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My Pop died quite quickly, and it was quite the rollercoaster – ICU. I don’t know how those angels do it. Because its so full on, the waiting room becomes its own little society with all the families who have loved ones in there. One of my acquaintances works in an ICU – she’s fabulous.
It was very interesting when we were told the stuff that was going on with Pop – we were all in the “quiet room” – never a good sign, I would suggest. But all the females (bar me) in Mum’s family have medical jobs – sister is a midwife, cousin an Occupational Therapist, Mum is a medical typist, Aunty does personal care for disabled/whatever people. I have done a bit of anatomy and physiology, and just having lived with Mum and my sister and hearing their stories, taking an interest and watching stuff like All Saints, ER, RPA etc I understand how medical terms work. As the Doctor explained what was going on, you could literally see the women’s shoulders drop, one by one. And we all went quiet. The boys all asked questions about what we could do, etc etc. Sorry fellas. They’re doing the best they can for him, but its not working.
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Its a fantastic book! So much goes into that show, and when you watch it having the knowledge of that, its amazing. Especially when we grew up watching and loving it, and still loving it now!
When they talk about Mr Hooper dying, they got advice from a shrink who said it wasn’t definite enough, and advised they change it to “dead is dead”.
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I completely sympathise with your view, I agree wholeheartedly that the red pen was way out of line. The teacher approached this situation in the wrong way. I’m not even sure she had a ‘right’ to comment.
But what really gets under my skin is the fact that you didn’t confront the teacher. Why do parents bitch and moan and preach and go on and on and on about how they don’t like something but they themselves don’t have the confidence to make a phone call or appointment to speak with the teacher to discuss a matter that is obviously so important???
Perhaps if you had of handled this situation differently eg by asking the above questions to the teacher directly you may have got a different result. Perhaps the teacher would forever after consider what she ‘circled’ in red pen. But I think a lot of parents get satisfaction out of morally judging teachers.
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Interesting perspective. I can see its validity.
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Yes, I agree.
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I guess my first thought when I read what your son had written was that the photo most likely wasn’t of his ‘dead aunt’, but of his ‘aunt who died last year’. she was alive when the photo was taken, but not anymore.
but it is definitely odd that she replaced ‘dead’ with ‘passed away’. and that she actually wrote it as a correction, and didn’t just talk to him about different ways of referring to people who have died.
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My father died when I was young. Since then, I have always referred to him as ‘dead’. For the same reasons your son refers to his aunt as dead. Because she is. It makes me angry when I get met with shock/discomfort/disdain for use of this expression. As though by speaking plainly about death, I am in some way being disrespectful toward my dad. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my mind, not embracing the reality of death by even being able to use that word somehow sugar coats the whole process. It is no surprise to me that the people who seem most offended by it, have not yet had the first hand experience of death.
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I remember when I read this is the ‘Child’ magazine and I quickly tweeted to see if it was you.
You write beautifully and I was astounded that a teacher would correct how your child is expressing themselves.
xx
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Don’t even think about apologising for anything KnowIdea. Our strength and support are with you whether you comment or not….xx
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if you read my post carefully, I did not say I thought “dead” was not age-appropriate – I was saying we are often taught to be conservative about our use of language and carefully consider what is “age appropriate”. As I also said, I don’t think the teacher did the right thing, nor do I blame Kerri for being annoyed. I was saying that as teachers we tread a VERY fine line and I can tell you that if the reverse situation happened and a child was told to use “dead” instead of “passed away” – and the teacher happened to do this to a sensitive child/parent, there would be a huge uproar and no doubt teachers would be called and so would Principals. It’s a really, REALLY fine line.
I would PREFER to use pencil on my students work (despite being a secondary teacher) because it’s less intimidating but often students can’t identify pencil corrections so the red makes my advice stand out. I never EVER tell my students straight out that they are wrong either – I make suggestions about how to do/write things more correctly.
Do I think the system are turning out “soft” kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. One of my BIG concerns is how these kids are going to manage in the harsh world of working – schools are being forced to create worlds which are not in touch with reality. But can I change that? Unfortunately not at this stage. But I do try to keep my students in touch with life in the real world and just yesterday I had them speechless with one – you will probably not get a job that pays you $50K straight out of school and you WILL, no matter what job you take, have to take some shit-kicker work in order to work your way up. That went down like a lead balloon!!
Kerri – thanks for clearing that up. Under those circumstances I think it’s fine
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Sorry if I rambled above… my brain & I aren’t very closely affiliated at the moment which is why I haven’t been commenting over the past few weeks. I’m here in spirit though, and still checking in every day.
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As many of you already know, my baby boy died at the end of November last year. My 4 year old tells people all the time that his “baby brother died”, that’s the only description he knows and he is matter of fact about it. If asked why he died, his responses are accurate and articulate (& yes people have asked him). That said, I have seen many adults recoil in horror hearing him speak about it.
I must admit too, that although I most often call a spade a spade, I have filtered my responses at times when I run into people that don’t know about my Tiny One’s death and ask how he is, and have used the term “passed away”. I guess I try and use my own sensitivity gauge. It’s uncomfortable for me, & often excruciating for the other person who innocently and good-naturedly approaches me in the supermarket to see how my family is going only to learn that my baby has died. I try and think about the other person’s feelings too (& I know I don’t have to, but I genuinely feel awful for them… it’s so awkward). I think the death of babies in society in general is still largely a “taboo” subject socially… but that’s another post altogether
On a side note, I have commented before that my family was involved with an amazing palliative care team from the Children’s Hospital responsible for my little boy’s medical care. After he died, the social worker and other members of the team came for a home visit and expressed their dismay that so many famiilies use phrases such as “they went to sleep forever”, “they have gone” or “we lost them” when explaining death to other children (especially siblings of the child who has died), because children take things so literally and become afraid of going to sleep themselves, or become determined to go and search for their “lost” brother or sister.
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My in-laws have both died within the past 11 years, and my daughters (ages 5 & 2) haven’t met either of them. We keep their photos on display around the house, though. Recently we were on holidays and called in to visit their grave, which is 4hrs drive from home. It’s the first time the girls had been there, and my 5yo was asking lots of questions that all had the phrase “dead Mum” in them. It sure made me flinch but I didn’t correct her, and neither did her dad, I guess because she was correct. The innocence of youth. We could take lessons.
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How insensitive of the teacher! ‘Dead” and ‘died’ are appropriate terms for us all to use. I prefer the term ‘euphemism’ to ‘metaphor’ for the expressions ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’.
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I have trained as a Telephone Counsellor at Lifeline and that course dedicates a special section to grief and loss. And the message thaht the experienced counsellors wanted us to hear was NOT to use metaphors for death. Especially “lost”. They had found that people, especially those in the middle of grief, would be frustrated and even angry at the use of these terms. “She isn’t lost – I can’t find her again. She’s dead” they would hear. I learnt very quickly that it was better to let people us their own terminology for their own grief. It is something I have kept in mind ever since….
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