GUEST POST: Muffled by a metaphor
When I first read this piece by the prolific Kerri Sackville, I thought it was brilliant and moving and straight away asked her if I could publish it here. She kindly agreed and here is it…..
There was one discordant element in my nine-year-old son’s marked homework assignment. The task had been to write a description of his school journal. My son’s journal is covered in pictures of everything meaningful tohim, from his beloved green jacket, to the Pokémon characters he adores, to photographs of his immediate family. Until recently, his family consisted of his father and me, his sister, his grandparents, and his aunt Tanya. Just over a year ago, however, everything changed. His aunt – my only sibling – died tragically when I was heavily pregnant, and our new baby girl was born just three weeks later.
“The photos include my gorgeous, adorable baby sister, and my dead aunt Tanya,” my son had written in his report. When I first read these words, I was touched. The love he has for his baby sister – his description of her as gorgeous and adorable – nearly brought tears to my eyes. And I saw nothing inappropriate about “dead aunt”. After all, Tanya is dead. She was dearly loved, and is horribly missed, but unfortunately she is no longer living. She has died.
His teacher, however, did not agree. When the homework was returned, there was a circle of bright red pen enclosing the words “dead aunt”. Underneath this circle was a resolute arrow pointing to replacement wording, written in her own hand: “my aunt who sadly passed away”. This, she clearly believed, was a description more fitting to a person who is not alive.
Noticing the teacher’s correction, I was distressed, to say the least. Why on earth were my son’s words altered? As far as I knew, there was nothing grammatically incorrect about the term ‘dead aunt’. We say ‘dead man’, ‘dead flower’, ‘dead fish’ – why not ‘dead aunt’? It seemed obvious that the teacher’s objection to the phrase had nothing at all to do with grammar, nor the spelling of the words, which was perfect. Her objection reflected her own
discomfort with the bluntness of my son’s language. This reference to death, stark on the page, unmitigated by metaphor, was too much for her to bear.
I gently raised the topic with my son later that afternoon. “I noticed the teacher corrected those words,” I said. Before I could even tell him that it was okay, that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he mumbled, chastened, “I know, I know, I’ll fix it!” His discomfort made me even more angry. Why should he be made to feel ashamed of mentioning his aunt in the ‘wrong’ way? He loved her deeply, and was profoundly affected by her death. He rarely talks about her to anyone outside of the family (unlike my elder daughter who talks incessantly about her), and I found it very poignant that out of all the people pictured in his book, he mentioned only the baby and his aunt in
his writing.
My son’s teacher is a lovely person, and I do not believe she intended in any way to be insensitive. Her response to his words seems to me to reflect a societal, rather than personal, prejudice against certain references to death. However, the replacement phrase she chose did carry a subtle judgement. The implication was that my son was being disrespectful to his aunt’s memory, by failing to acknowledge the sadness of her death. More specifically,
the implication was that thinking of Tanya should always make him feel sad.
My son does not need reminding of the tragedy of Tanya’s death. He has lived the grief. He misses her terribly. But if he can speak of her, think of her, write about her without pain – if he can remember her with pleasure – then all the better. That is how we want him to think of her. That’s what she would have wanted too.
Why do we need euphemisms for death? Why do we need euphemisms at all? I was raised in a family that spoke plainly, and I have raised my own children in the same way. They don’t go ‘nigh nigh’ – they go to bed. They don’t have ‘pee pees’ or ‘front bottoms’ – they call their body parts by their proper names. When my youngest daughter
was born, she was born. And when my sister Tanya died, she died. My two older children have experienced death – they have lost a great-grandfather and an aunt – but they have never heard the term ‘passed away’. It’s not a term we use.
Who are we protecting when we use metaphors? Does the term ‘passed away’ alleviate the pain of death? I wonder if the teacher was attempting to protect my son from reality, or if she was trying to protect herself. Reading about a ‘dead aunt’ is hard; it conjures up all sorts of brutal images. ‘Passing away’ is much gentler and easier on the emotions, implying a peaceful transition from living to not living. My sister’s death, however, being
sudden and shocking, was most definitely not peaceful. Even if I did use the term, I wouldn’t use it in regard to her.
My son may have enjoyed discussing his aunt with his teacher, but the chance for that was lost the second the red pen hit the paper. At the very least, even without a dialogue, he would have benefitted from knowing that his teacher had read his description without unease. My children need to know that it is okay to talk or write about people who have died, that the dead are still in our lives via our thoughts and our memories, and that other people are strong enough to deal with it.
Of course, language is rich and colourful and I’m not advocating a world in which everything has one name only
and thesauruses become extinct. Phrases such as ‘kicked the bucket’, ‘met his maker’, ‘the big chill’… all have different connotations and add flavour and depth to our descriptions and interactions. But we shouldn’t be afraid of speaking plainly. We shouldn’t need to speak in metaphors. And we shouldn’t back away from other people speaking the truth.
I wish that this story had a noble ending. I wish I had confronted the teacher and been honest about my frustration and disappointment. But it wasn’t that simple. I did write a letter. I explained that my son hadn’t heard the term ‘passed away’ – that in our family, we use the term ‘died’, and that what he had written was natural and appropriate
for him. However, I told her that, should she prefer it, I would suggest to my son that he might use the term ‘late aunt’ in future. I guess I was afraid of being too confronting. I guess I was afraid of hurting her feelings.
In the end, I, too, turned to metaphor.
Beautiful Kerri. And thank you.
[image by Christine Lebrasseur]
*This piece was originally written for Sydney’s Child newspaper. You can follow Kerri on Twitter here and visit her legendary blog, Life And Other Crises, here.
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I have a few stars up there too
I’m so glad that someone else has stars in the sky! It doesn’t matter about religion or beliefs, it gives comfort that nanny and poppy are there and looking after you. My Nan and Pop are stars in the sky for my niece. I LOVE THAT. Because its non religious, but is still comfort. Cripes. I know that Nan and Pop and whoever else are looking after me. I know it sounds a bit Ghost Whisperer, but its what I believe. And have seen and felt in action.
Thank you xxx
Dear Guest,
So glad that you’re not in charge of what goes into Mamamia’s blog.
No one would read it.
Hope you get a name soon.
And by the way, a bit of adivce, you seriously need to get your sensitivity chip replaced and maybe while you’re at it ………..a bit of an over- haul for the chip that helps you get the point.
Most teachers are wonderful professionals. Where would our children be without them? But that doesn’t mean that when we believe they have mishandled a situation we can not discuss it. This is not judgement. Most parents have been in classrooms for more than 5 minutes. As a result most parents have witnessed some wonderfully talented individuals in action but also some that perhaps should have chosen a different career. Sometimes really good teachers get it wrong, just like really good parents.
When I was not quite 3, my mum had a stillborn baby – my brother – at full term. I was only tiny, but I knew she was pregnant, I knew she was having a baby. When he died, I was told that mum “lost the baby” by a number of well meaning relatives who thought that was the best way to describe it to me. I know that they were all dealing with their own grief, however…when my mum had my half-brother 3 years later, the first thing I said to her in the hospital after he was born was “you won’t lose this brother will you mummy?” I didn’t understand that he had died, I understood that my negligent mother had lost him.
So we use died. My father-in-law died long before our kids were born, but they understand that Poppy died, which I think is better than just thinking they didn’t have a Poppy. We have lots of photos for them, and our son picked out a bright star in the sky that he thinks is Poppy, and he says goodnight to him every night.
Death is a part of life, and I don’t see the point in pussyfooting around it.
Kerri, hope your little fella is feeling ok about the whole experience with his teacher. Sometimes you just want to go in with all guns blazing, but it’s not always the right thing to do. I think you handled the situation really well. x
I say ‘lost a baby’, because that’s a very hairy one for me… I never got to see it ‘alive’, even though it was ‘no longer alive’ all of a sudden. Technically I could correctly say: ‘my foetus died’, but who would say or think that? My hopes and dreams for my baby to be died is more accurate. That definition of ‘life’ and ‘death’ is very difficult when you consider yourself pro-choice, which I do. There just needs to be more words, I think.
That wasn’t rambling at all. I am so sorry for your loss, and admire what a sensitive caring person you are to be worried about other people feeling awkward. It’s very selfless of you.
I’d love for you to come into a classroom – for more than 5 minutes….like as an actual teacher and see how you go. Then judge teachers.
I’m so sorry to hear about your little baby. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must have been.
Big hug and best wishes to you x
yes and once again its all about the teachers- not their students… what happened to open communication as well? Red pens should be banned and comments should be said to the student directly not written down. Stuff her feelings- death is harsh and it is what it is- its not up to her to sugarcoat death. Well written piece and thought provoking…
It is just so sad that his teacher missed a golden opportunity to talk to him – this could have opened up so many opportunities to both gauge how he’s coping and start to develop his own little network of support. Clearly his sentence was not due to a lack of appropriate vocabulary.
I know it can be confronting when kids bring up death – I have had a couple of interesting conversations with four and five year olds – but it is an opportunity to support them, not correct their wording. In one case, I think the five year old I was talking to was almost testing my reactions, to see what sort of teacher she had on her hands, almost a question of “Can this one be trusted to tell me the truth?” When I did sit and listen to her for a while, all sorts of questions came tumbling out. We ran the whole gamut of Lies We Know Adults Tell Us And Will You Tell Us The Truth? Santa, the Easter Bunny, why is the sky blue, how do babies get out of their mummies’ tummies (thank god she didn’t ask how they get in there in the first place), is God in the sky and why does he let people like her brother die… It wasn’t the easiest conversation I’ve ever had, but it’s one of those moments that as a teacher, you never forget, because this is why you (or I, anyway) become a teacher in the first place – to really connect with kids and make a difference. And I got to see how intelligent and insightful this little girl really was. Even better – I got to have a conversation with her mum about what we’d spoken about, and then they got to talk about it and bond more as a mum and daughter.
I feel sad that you and your son had to go through this, But I feel even sadder for the teacher, as she has missed out on one of those opportunities to have a lasting effect on a child’s life. And this was probably not the first time she has missed it.
Maybe, because I am new to blogs and comments, I am continually shocked at how rude, toxic and disrespectful some of the comments are. But these toxic comments are more than compensated for by some very dear and lovely postings. I suppose it’s a bit like the people you meet in life. You give the toxic ones the flick and take the dear ones into your heart.
I also wanted to say that I’m one of those people who uses metaphors in situations like death. I’m not certain why I do but I think it’s a combination of a few things. I worry that I might offend someone if I’m too direct. I also think that it has a lot to do with my upbringing. Growing up we did not speak English at home or amongst family. I learned English at school & by reading lots of books. These means do not really encourage you to be direct. Thank you Kerri I’ve learnt a thing or 2 from your beautifully written piece:)
Wow! What a powerful piece. So beautifully written Kerri. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us. If we were all straight to the point & not so metaphoric the world would be a simpler & easier place to live as there would be no interpretation needed!
i come from a very direct straight shooting family and i have spent my whole life beign smacked on the wrist for speaking plainly, it never made any sense iit still doesn’t. It bothers me more than it should but i get annoyed by what i consider overly meek mealy mouthed people, however apparently thats what i am supposed to changed my self into BAH! I can tell you i am less gracious at being pulled up on things these days.
Everyone copes differently. I reckon the best for the supporter is to just be there and make sure that whoever you’re supporting knows you’re there.
Yeah, RH, I am a straight shooter too. I hate dancing around issues – if there is a problem, say it straight, have it out, sort it out, move on! It really freaks people out. Not sure if its cos I am a chick and am like that, or it generally freaks them out. Just today, my sorta bloke came to speak to me at work about overcooked pasta – I said I ate it too and it seemed OK, but then said, No worries, I will do some more up to replace it. He kept on, and I said, its all good, will do some new up. Apparently this is being argumentative! I am at a loss with him all the time. Once, I was apparently meant to figure out that “I am sitting on the couch watching the footy” is meant to magically translate into “Please come over and watch it with me, I would like to see you”. When we finally got down to the nuts and bolts of it, I said “If you want me to come over, just say Oi woman! Come over!”.
I guess it just illustrates how some people are more comfortable with hints/euphemisms and some aren’t. Although, when his Darling Dad died last year, he had no trouble saying “My Dad died last week”.
My Pop died quite quickly, and it was quite the rollercoaster – ICU. I don’t know how those angels do it. Because its so full on, the waiting room becomes its own little society with all the families who have loved ones in there. One of my acquaintances works in an ICU – she’s fabulous.
It was very interesting when we were told the stuff that was going on with Pop – we were all in the “quiet room” – never a good sign, I would suggest. But all the females (bar me) in Mum’s family have medical jobs – sister is a midwife, cousin an Occupational Therapist, Mum is a medical typist, Aunty does personal care for disabled/whatever people. I have done a bit of anatomy and physiology, and just having lived with Mum and my sister and hearing their stories, taking an interest and watching stuff like All Saints, ER, RPA etc I understand how medical terms work. As the Doctor explained what was going on, you could literally see the women’s shoulders drop, one by one. And we all went quiet. The boys all asked questions about what we could do, etc etc. Sorry fellas. They’re doing the best they can for him, but its not working.
Its a fantastic book! So much goes into that show, and when you watch it having the knowledge of that, its amazing. Especially when we grew up watching and loving it, and still loving it now!
When they talk about Mr Hooper dying, they got advice from a shrink who said it wasn’t definite enough, and advised they change it to “dead is dead”.
I completely sympathise with your view, I agree wholeheartedly that the red pen was way out of line. The teacher approached this situation in the wrong way. I’m not even sure she had a ‘right’ to comment.
But what really gets under my skin is the fact that you didn’t confront the teacher. Why do parents bitch and moan and preach and go on and on and on about how they don’t like something but they themselves don’t have the confidence to make a phone call or appointment to speak with the teacher to discuss a matter that is obviously so important???
Perhaps if you had of handled this situation differently eg by asking the above questions to the teacher directly you may have got a different result. Perhaps the teacher would forever after consider what she ‘circled’ in red pen. But I think a lot of parents get satisfaction out of morally judging teachers.
Interesting perspective. I can see its validity.
Yes, I agree.
I guess my first thought when I read what your son had written was that the photo most likely wasn’t of his ‘dead aunt’, but of his ‘aunt who died last year’. she was alive when the photo was taken, but not anymore.
but it is definitely odd that she replaced ‘dead’ with ‘passed away’. and that she actually wrote it as a correction, and didn’t just talk to him about different ways of referring to people who have died.
My father died when I was young. Since then, I have always referred to him as ‘dead’. For the same reasons your son refers to his aunt as dead. Because she is. It makes me angry when I get met with shock/discomfort/disdain for use of this expression. As though by speaking plainly about death, I am in some way being disrespectful toward my dad. Nothing could be further from the truth. In my mind, not embracing the reality of death by even being able to use that word somehow sugar coats the whole process. It is no surprise to me that the people who seem most offended by it, have not yet had the first hand experience of death.
I remember when I read this is the ‘Child’ magazine and I quickly tweeted to see if it was you.
You write beautifully and I was astounded that a teacher would correct how your child is expressing themselves.
xx
Don’t even think about apologising for anything KnowIdea. Our strength and support are with you whether you comment or not….xx
if you read my post carefully, I did not say I thought “dead” was not age-appropriate – I was saying we are often taught to be conservative about our use of language and carefully consider what is “age appropriate”. As I also said, I don’t think the teacher did the right thing, nor do I blame Kerri for being annoyed. I was saying that as teachers we tread a VERY fine line and I can tell you that if the reverse situation happened and a child was told to use “dead” instead of “passed away” – and the teacher happened to do this to a sensitive child/parent, there would be a huge uproar and no doubt teachers would be called and so would Principals. It’s a really, REALLY fine line.
I would PREFER to use pencil on my students work (despite being a secondary teacher) because it’s less intimidating but often students can’t identify pencil corrections so the red makes my advice stand out. I never EVER tell my students straight out that they are wrong either – I make suggestions about how to do/write things more correctly.
Do I think the system are turning out “soft” kids? Yeah, sometimes I do. One of my BIG concerns is how these kids are going to manage in the harsh world of working – schools are being forced to create worlds which are not in touch with reality. But can I change that? Unfortunately not at this stage. But I do try to keep my students in touch with life in the real world and just yesterday I had them speechless with one – you will probably not get a job that pays you $50K straight out of school and you WILL, no matter what job you take, have to take some shit-kicker work in order to work your way up. That went down like a lead balloon!!
Kerri – thanks for clearing that up. Under those circumstances I think it’s fine
Sorry if I rambled above… my brain & I aren’t very closely affiliated at the moment which is why I haven’t been commenting over the past few weeks. I’m here in spirit though, and still checking in every day.
As many of you already know, my baby boy died at the end of November last year. My 4 year old tells people all the time that his “baby brother died”, that’s the only description he knows and he is matter of fact about it. If asked why he died, his responses are accurate and articulate (& yes people have asked him). That said, I have seen many adults recoil in horror hearing him speak about it.
I must admit too, that although I most often call a spade a spade, I have filtered my responses at times when I run into people that don’t know about my Tiny One’s death and ask how he is, and have used the term “passed away”. I guess I try and use my own sensitivity gauge. It’s uncomfortable for me, & often excruciating for the other person who innocently and good-naturedly approaches me in the supermarket to see how my family is going only to learn that my baby has died. I try and think about the other person’s feelings too (& I know I don’t have to, but I genuinely feel awful for them… it’s so awkward). I think the death of babies in society in general is still largely a “taboo” subject socially… but that’s another post altogether
On a side note, I have commented before that my family was involved with an amazing palliative care team from the Children’s Hospital responsible for my little boy’s medical care. After he died, the social worker and other members of the team came for a home visit and expressed their dismay that so many famiilies use phrases such as “they went to sleep forever”, “they have gone” or “we lost them” when explaining death to other children (especially siblings of the child who has died), because children take things so literally and become afraid of going to sleep themselves, or become determined to go and search for their “lost” brother or sister.
My in-laws have both died within the past 11 years, and my daughters (ages 5 & 2) haven’t met either of them. We keep their photos on display around the house, though. Recently we were on holidays and called in to visit their grave, which is 4hrs drive from home. It’s the first time the girls had been there, and my 5yo was asking lots of questions that all had the phrase “dead Mum” in them. It sure made me flinch but I didn’t correct her, and neither did her dad, I guess because she was correct. The innocence of youth. We could take lessons.
How insensitive of the teacher! ‘Dead” and ‘died’ are appropriate terms for us all to use. I prefer the term ‘euphemism’ to ‘metaphor’ for the expressions ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’.
I have trained as a Telephone Counsellor at Lifeline and that course dedicates a special section to grief and loss. And the message thaht the experienced counsellors wanted us to hear was NOT to use metaphors for death. Especially “lost”. They had found that people, especially those in the middle of grief, would be frustrated and even angry at the use of these terms. “She isn’t lost – I can’t find her again. She’s dead” they would hear. I learnt very quickly that it was better to let people us their own terminology for their own grief. It is something I have kept in mind ever since….
Another beautiful piece of writing Kerri. The teacher might be a lovely person but she really needs to do 3 make up classes in;- (1)Creative Writing, (2)Child Development and, (3)Dealing with Sensitive Issues in Primary School.
If your son wants to use the word ‘dead aunt’ in the same sentence that he writes about ‘my gorgeous, adorable baby sister’, then I can not see anything there that deserves a red circle. Those bloody red pens! I’m sorry in this case it is the teacher who needs a red mark against her. It is so poignant that your son chose to mention his aunt and his baby sister in the one sentence, given that his aunt has died and his baby sister is newly-born. And the fact that they were the only two family members who he singled out for mention should have told the teacher heaps. As a piece of creative writing it is up there with really good writing. In the years to come if your son becomes a writer he should use this sentence again. It is so powerful. For a nine year old to juxtapose ‘my gorgeous, adorable baby sister’ and ‘my dead aunt Tanya’ immediately shows me that he is one very clever and able little boy and I hope that he goes on to have teachers who can understand his gift. What the teacher did was wrong, on so many levels, that it is breath-taking. And excuse me but what did she think she was doing to your son’s feelings when she circled ‘dead aunt’. and changed it to ‘my aunt who passed away.’
I think the teacher was just trying to help your son use the politest term so he wouldn’t offend anyone, mostly likely you… that sure backfired.
Oh my goodness! I am sorry the doctor was so incredibly insensitive!
Great piece Kerri xxx
i always journals were private a p lace to express ourselves without judgement. it sad rthat the teacher felt the need to correct
I’m not certain the using the term “lost” in relation to a death refers to a sense of the being misplaced, so much as the sense of loss, of being without.
Maybe Guest thinks we are quibbling about a minor grammatical issue? I don’t personally take this view but it might be what they’re getting at…?
Yes, I don’t understand ‘lost’ either. “We lost a baby”. Where? The same with “miscarry”, I’ve always felt that that word apportions blame to the person (ie the mother) who was carrying it. But, both those terms are preferable to the emergency room doctor who told me I has having an “abortion”. It might be the correct medical term but it’s not the word to use when your baby has died.
yeouch … that’s a very poor bedside manner, and would be a very unsettling, unpleasant thing to hear at that time.
A teachers RED PEN mark means a hell of a lot to a little kid. It shouts ‘incorrect’ and ‘wrong’, so Kerri’s son was clearly being told by his teacher he shouldn’t have written what he had. I believe that Kerri is correct approach his teacher, and I believe that his teacher should learn to nurture how young children express themselves and understand that everybody does things differently.
I agree with many of the other MM’s, it sounds like his teacher is uncomfortable with death and how to relate to young children with the subject.
The poor kid and his teacher were bit players in the wider picture which is Death. Either you have had a sensitivity by-pass Guest, or you have not had a direct experience of death. Funny how, when touched by the death of someone we love, we actually care about it very very much.
It may not be an actual issue to you. But one day, it will.
The last time I checked, death WAS an issue. A rather predominant one. Maybe even more important than other issues such as who’s wearing what, or books, or even (gasp) climate change. Just a thought. Apparently you, Guest, are in the same boat as the teacher, and prefer death not be discussed at all.
You’ve obviously missed the issue here. The article is about more than just a child and his teacher don’t you think?
My father was also in a palliative care hospice for about a month before he died. I could not agree with you more about the staff who work in these sorts of places. Makes you look at your own life and wonder what more you could be doing. They are truly making a difference at the time you need it most in your life. Amazing.
Good grief? hehe. interesting turn of phrase, given the post
Put your name on your post.
Good grief – what has mamamia turned into? Let’s discuss some actual issues please and leave the poor kid (and his teacher) alone.
We. Will. Die.
should have said the process of dying …….
Yes I saw the show – it was very confronting and I must admit difficult to watch. Just shows that western society has a long way to go before it’s ready to handle death and dying.
When discussing people who have died, referring to them as ‘dead’ is just a little too abrupt for some people.
My mum took me aside only a few months ago when I was showing off the diamond ring my parents bought me for my 21st. I explained that the middle diamond had belonged to a great-great aunt who “has been dead for a few years now” (those were my words). Mum overheard and took me aside and whispered “Em, instead of saying ’she’s dead’, it’s alot nicer if you say ’she passed away’ or ’she’s no longer with us’”.
It sounds insensitive, I guess. I’m just another one of those people who doesn’t sugar-coat things, but I don’t see anything wrong with it, really.
Anyone see Four Corners on Monday night?
It’s not just teachers that are uncomfortable with the idea of death. Oncologists have trouble too.
So does that mean you’re goingto correct Kerrie’s work with a red pen?
Red pen? That’s harsh! Why didn’t she speak to him?
I agree with using correct words but also see a place for metaphors. E.g. I tend to say “passed away” when referring to someone who died in their sleep.
If someone died in an accident, do you say “died” or in this case would the ‘correct’ term be “killed”?
I think some recognition needs to be given to the value of having different ways of saying the same thing.
More at fault here is the poor teaching practice.
Great story Kerri. It takes a strong woman to call a spade a spade.
I’m a straight shooter too, which gets me into trouble all the time. I honestly don’t mean to be insensitive, I just don’t see why we can’t use the proper words for things.
Having said that, my almost 5yo daughter still calls her vagina Jemima, which means a lot of snickering when Play School is on.
My particular favourite is ‘lost’, as in ‘we lost Jimmy last week’. It always makes me think, ‘Where? Under the couch? At the supermarket?’ I know that it’s awful when someone dies, but saying that they’re dead isn’t disrespectful. It’s just the unfortunate truth.
Both of my boys were completely accepting that their great-grandmother had died. They were 4 and 6 at the time. They wanted to know all the details about the coffin, the cremation, what happened to her body after. It made sense to them, but it was confronting for me to have to look at her death that way. My parents were/are not ones for discussing anything really. They still talk about her, things she said and liked, but understand that she is dead. And use that term.
On the other hand, Ruby, the dog that went crazy now lives on a ‘farm’. Double standards much?
Wonderfully written Kerri. My mum and grandmother died within a couple of weeks of each other last year, and my then 5 year old son handled it amazingly well. He misses them both, but is very matter of fact about the fact that they died. I wouldn’t want it any other way and would be horrified if one of his teachers corrected his terminology of what happened.
I hate having to “tread lightly” when using words that describe a situation. I like to call a spade a spade and if someone has died that is a fact and we shouldn’t have to choose “appropriate words” lest we offend someone. Over my lifetime I’ve lost a few friends along the way mainly due to my inability to camouflage situations. If something is happening then lets get it out in the open so that everyone knows exactly what has occured and then deal with it. When I hear terms such as “not with us anymore” or “no longer here” I’m left confused and bewildered – what the hell happened to the person?? Are we so afraid of death that we can’t bear to even use the correct words?
i heard of someone who used the italian word for butterfly (farfalle) when teaching her little girl what it was; imagine the day they went to the Zoo to the butterfly enclosure and the little girl heard her nonna say look at all the “farfalle” flying around. Apparently the little girl was a little freaked out. As you would….
I had an English teacher in high school who SWORE that copyright should actually have been spelt copywrite, because it was copying something that had been written. The dictionary always maintained it was, in fact, spelt copyright, but she just couldn’t grasp the concept of it being the right to copy, so was sure that some mistake had been made decades ago when they invented the word.
It is such a relief to hear someone articulate my feelings about this. My grandfather died of lung cancer almost two years ago and I was the one in our family who spent almost every day of his two months in the palliative care ward with him. This experience changed me forever – I was 20 and although I had experienced death before it had been sudden, not protracted as it often in in these cases. This ward’s compassionate staff were truly angles walking on Earth. Dying of cancer is often not dignified or peaceful, but they did everything possible to ease the process for the patients and their families. A big part of this was clear explainations of what was happening and what the options were, the situation cushioned not by meaningless euphanisms but instead true compassion, whether this be a hug, the time to listen to you, a joke, or whatever else was needed. And this matter-of-fact attitude to death helps – for my grandfather and I, confronting it meant a chance to get to know each other better than we ever had and untimately say goodye as we wanted to. The realities of death may not be beautiful, but it is part of life – I know it may scandalise people for me to say this but the same is true of birth, yet we don’t feel the need to use euphanisms for it.
For these staff this is truly a calling – I have run into several of them in the time since my grandfather’s death and all have recognised me, asked after my family and expressed how much their work there meant to them. They are lucky to me lead my Dr Roger Cole – try and get your hands on his book ‘Mission of Love’ for more insight into palliative care.
It is sad that Kerrie’s son’s teacher didn’t realise that, provided you are not hurting others, there is no “right” way to grieve. Hopefully by re-publishing this column Mia will have taught that lesson to a few more people today.
I love that you still say you have two sisters too. Some people seem to think that once someone is dead, they’re gone and they no longer have any part in your life – which is obviously absurd. I have a friend who just doesnt understand (and has told me so) why i don’t call my stepdad ‘dad’. it’s because i have a dad! Yes, he’s dead – but he’s still my dad!
(For the record, im not saying i think we should be rude to fat people – im saying that we should think before we make comments about skinny people.)
I hate that too, how it’s fine to say whatever you like to skinny people, but you can’t call fat people fat!! Why is it okay to tell a thin person, “You need to get a few good meals into you,” but it’s not okay to tell a fat person, “You need to try smaller portion sizes” ???
Have to love teachers like that … my Mum got in a HUGE fight with my year 5 teacher who swore until she was blue in the face that the appreviation of omnibus was omni!
Wow… how rude of them to correct you.
But… bionicles are so popular! How did a teacher not know about them!?
I HATE when people insist on saying “passed away” / “passed on” etc – he/she DIED, just say it. I live in Australia with a stepfamily and my extended family lives in Northern Ireland, and when people say “Does your dad still live in Ireland?” I always say “My dad died.” I don’t say “My dad’s dead,” though. Isn’t that funny? But i never never say “He passed away.” I think that makes it sound trivial. No one has ever corrected me, thank goodness. If they did, I think i might punch them. If i share with someone that my dad died, then i am sharing a very personal and difficult experience. I’m not going to wrap THEM in cotton wool by phrasing it more ‘nicely’. It wasn’t a ‘nice’ thing to happen!
And don’t get me started on the phrase “I lost my dad…” I did not. I know exactly where he is…
Some people just don’t know how to respond. When my younger daughter was in Grade 2 my mother suddenly became ill and because we were in the Army and my husband was overseas I had to leave my children with friends in Brisbane and go home to Melbourne. I didn’t have much time so wrote her teacher a note explaining the situation and that my mother was not expected to live (she didn’t). The teacher sent me a note replying with “condolences in advance”. It was awful and quite funny at the same time. I think my mother would have laughed too
This story has reminded me of the time, before I had my own children, that I was playing with a friend’s little girl, who was about 4 at the time. We were chatting about the cat I had when I was a little girl. My friend’s little girl asked “Where is he now?” Well, of course, he was dead, and, not knowing the way to phrase the answer I turned to my friend, the girl’s mother, with a ‘help me’ expression. What would be the right way to say it in their house? ‘Passed away’ seemed to invite further questions, ‘dead’ seemed so finite, ‘gone to heaven’ was too much religion. She knew exactly what I was telegraphing, and hopped in with a very simple, matter of fact, “He is dead now”. The four year old was so relaxed in her acceptance of this news, it taught me a great lesson which I still apply today with my own kids. Kids of a certain age aren’t into metaphor, they just want the simple truth. I love their honesty and cherish their direct ways because I know that, all too soon, they will grow up and become aware of the expectations society imposes on them.
Loved that comment, thanks xxx
Hm… thing is, as a writer you just try to make your sentences interesting and readable, and to write ‘they have experienced death, their great grandfather died ‘ just doesn’t flow as well. It was a literary choice. I also specifically said at the end that there is a place for metaphor in language – of course there is!!! But my point was that one should not shy away from plain language, or stifle others’ rights to speak plainly.
Hope that explains it.
I also have a friend who uses the term ‘cookie’ and I find it totally bizarre. have never heard the ‘out of the cookie jar’ thing though….. Ew!
I can’t believe the teacher felt the need to “correct” that. As an English teacher I probably would have made some change to the structure of the sentence, but not the phrasing of it. I teach kids about euphemisms and why we might use them, but never to use them instead of the correct term. There is a place for euphemisms, but we don’t need to use them all the time.
When I talk about my parents with my 2 yr old, who never met them, I use the word dead and tell him that they’re not here anymore. Oh, and im not a fan of red pen, i tend to correct in green or purple (even pencil at times) as i find it less confronting for the kids
On a side point, i heard a story of a pre-schooler whose mum taught her to call her vagina her flower, she was being abused by her dad but because she didn’t know the correct word it wasn’t picked up for a long time – no one at kindy realised what she meant when she said daddy played with her flower. A very very sad story and another reason to avoid euphemisms around young children.
Another beautiful story Kerri, thank-you! Can I just say… God I HATE red pen! I HATE when teachers “correct” my kids work like that! I had one of my son’s teachers correct the word ‘Bionicle’ to ‘bycicle’ in his journal. And yes, that was HER spelling error not mine! He had written on the weekend he played with his (lego) Bionicle. Off topic I know, sorry! xoxox
I am so sorry about your sister. That is awful. Let the tears flow…
I was told off for saying “She died”. When someone I did not know asked about my boss’s partner. I just didn’t know what to say at the time and I was told “Passed away’” was the correct term. It sort of shocked the person on the end of the phone as the person in question had died about 7 years ago. I felt like a bloody idiot being chipped, I just didn’t know how to handle such an awkward question.
I remember when Mr Hooper died on Sesame Street. I was sad too, and sad for Big Bird. But it was good that they didn’t patronise children when they said “It’s just what happens”. I thought they did it really well.
And then I remember the lady Astronaut (the teacher) who was on Sesame Street saying girls can be Astronauts too and my mum said “She died in space” It freaked me out more because she was young and it was when Challenger blew up. So many questions when you are 4.
I agree so strongly with all Kerri has written. When my mother died 7years ago she might have “slipped away” in her sleep but she died when she did so. I know exactly what other people have written when they say people recoil when you say “my mother is dead”. I have a 3 year old and we are just entering the discussions about death and what happens after. Not being Christian we are not going to use the heaven euphemism as it is not our belief system, however I am keen to ensure he understands that he can develop his own belief system as he grows, learns and explores the world.
On a footnote we too use penis, vagina etc. I have a gf who uses the term “cookie” and tells her daughter to get her “hand out of the cookie jar” when she touches herself… my mind only boggles what that poor child will say to a doctor or teacher if someone was to touch her, or what she would say to her first boyfriend as they explore eachother’s bodies.
Another great piece Kerri!
This is true, her personal view clouded her judgement most definitely. The situation is quite sad for both Kerri’s son and the teacher too. She must have been emotional to ‘correct’ him on it.
OK – I’ve posted enough on this one I think. I hope your son is not too traumatised. I have a very clear memory of an injustice at the hands of a teacher (I wasn’t wrong, I still know I wasn’t) from when I was six or so. It was an early lesson in the fact that teachers are human too, I had previously thought they were Gods, so I hope he takes this from it and isn’t too upset, poor mite. Little kids feel injustice keenly, I believe.
Almost forgot when my best friend died of an aneurysm 3 days after we buried his mother, we had to explain to his Miss 4 and Master 6 that daddy was gone as well. Their uncle was driving them to school a few days after the funeral and the kids were discussing what they were going to do with the car Miss 4 says “well he can’t drive it anymore because he can’t see’ to which Master 6 replied “no it’s because he is dead’. Is this a horrible conversation for babies to have??? yes but only because they lost their dad too young, i guess for me the word is the least of mine and their problems. Even if he had merely passed on i would still have a gaping hole in my heart where he lives. Even of he was no longer with us or in heaven i saw a 6 yr old boy say kaddish for his dad and still whenever i see those kids find it a struggle to not fixate on the fact that they are never going to know their dad they way i did………..and it doesn’t matter what you call it he isn’t here and we all still miss him.
This reminds me of a conversation I heard my Mum having with a born again Christian friend of hers (my Mum was also religious, so was just being irreverent).
Her friend said: ‘… and that was around the time we’d just found Jesus.’ to which my Mum replied: ‘I didn’t know he was lost!’.
Thank you Kerri, i think it’s a horrible state of affairs when plain language is something to be afraid of. I was actually reprimanded by the parent of a 18 yr old for using the word “crap”. I think the meaning and emotion behind the word is far more meaningful than the word. I say Bravo to you for using the correct words!!!
And Kerri, I am sorry about your sister. It’s so lovely that your son can pay a tribute to her and have her in his thoughts on his journal. You sound like a great Mum raising a loving boy. That’s the point that stood out to me in this: your little boy loves his family very much.
And Kerri, I am sorry about your sister. It’s so lovely that your son can pay a tribute to her and have her in his thoughts on his journal. You sound like a great Mum raising a loving boy. That’s the point that stood out to me in this.
I don’t say my Mum is ‘dead’, but, and I only just thought about it while reading this, and your comment here 30 dollar date, it’s because it hurts ME too much. She isn’t dead to me, not in my heart, she’s always still with me. Even typing that made me cry, so as much as I pride myself on straight talking, I guess the word itself is very powerful to me.
I have no problem with people describing their loved ones who have died as anything they want to, that they can live with and they find easy to say, your son included, Kerri. To say ‘lost’ could easily confuse a child, I do see that, but that’s more how it feels to me. A huge, massive loss, a gaping hole. Better to me than – ‘did you squish the spider, is it dead?’.
Death and dealing with death are just such very personal things.
I guess my point is that your son was not wrong to say ‘dead Aunt’ if that’s what he’s comfortable with, but I wouldn’t say that others are wrong for needing a metaphor to deal with a very painful, raw emotion. It’s ok to be gentle on people who are grieving too. Maybe the teacher was herself at the time?
I feel sorry for your boy who was just speaking plainly as he was taught and didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe an explanation from the teacher on different phrases to say the same thing would have helped – a suggestion of options rather than a red penned mistake – which it wasn’t.
I bought the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street book. It talks about when Mr Hooper died. He died in real life over the holidays from making the show, and they were all devastated. They agonised over what to do – should we just get another Mr Looper? or should we try to explain it? They decided to explain it.
How do you explain someone like Mr Looper dying to 3 and 4 year olds?
They decided on “Just because its what happens” because you can’t tell kids that he was old and died – Mummy and Daddy are old to kids.
You couldn’t say he was sick – kids get sick all the time and they don’t die, but then some people do from their sicknesses.
So they decided on the people, ie Maria, Luis, Gordon, Bob, all being really sad. And Mr Looper not opening his shop, but did it through Big Bird wanting to see Mr Looper for his talks and his birdseed milkshakes. And they explained to Big Bird that Mr Hooper had died, and sometimes that is just what happens.
BB was worried about who would love him and look after him, who he would talk to and who would make his birdseed milkshakes for him now? They told him that even though Mr Hooper wasn’t around anymore and wouldn’t come back, that they would all do that for him. By the end of the episode he was still really sad but felt a bit better.
This post, and the comments, made me think of my 5 yo niece and my Mum telling people when my darling Pop died.
My niece went to England to meet her baby cousin last year. They went to Kensington Palace, ie the Princess Di place. She said “She died cos she was naughty and didn’t put her seatbelt on”. Quite true.
My brother and SIL also have photos of Nan and Pop around. She never knew my dear Pop, but she remembers Nan. We were looking at the photos and she said “Nanny Dor-Dor died”. Yes, she did. So did Poppy Sid. She came to see Nan at the hospital when she was dying from cancer, and knew she was sick and couldn’t get better. But she knows they died. They’re not coming back.
I remember Mum ringing one of her best mates when Pop died, and saying “I lost my Dad today”. I don’t think it was a euphemism, she really felt utterly lost knowing that Pop wasn’t going to be around anymore. It was sort of sudden, and I understood her use of “lost”. Us grandkids spoke and read at both funerals, and especially at Pop’s, Mum was just bereft. I took one look at her and fixed my eyes on the back of the chapel doing my reading bit as I couldn’t handle seeing Mum look that lost.
My niece has been told though that Nanny Dor Dor is up in the sky sitting on a star making sure we are all OK and happy. I like that, because even though I am not a christian, I do believe that people pass over and are still with us, just in a different way.
I was horrified to read what Kerri’s son’s teacher corrected. She’s his Aunt, right? She’s dead right? So what is wrong with writing that? I am so sad that he thought it was wrong and offered to correct it. But it sounds like he was pissed off about the correction happening as well.
Oh isn’t that lovely? That both your daughter wrote about your sore heart and that her teacher approached you?
That is the dumbest thing I think I have ever heard.
Good point, I hadn’t thought of how often we flippantly use those words in every day conversation.
A beautifully written post, Kerri. I admit, I am one of those people who say “passed away”, if I’m talking to someone else. Generally because it’s the dreaded phone call when its just happened and I need to notify other family/friend/employer. It is sanitising it, but the word “dead” when you are in grief sounds so…. rough (only word i could think of to describe!). In saying that, I have no problems saying “My grandfather is dead/has died” but just not in the initial stages of processing that myself.
I do find it disappointing that the teacher changed your son’s work… as someone pointed out, it wasn’t just a grammatical change, but she has injected her own emotion into it.
I think you are a fantastic mum though, Kerri (as much as I know you from your posts/blogs!). I am positive your son will grow up to be a wonderful young man xx
Your best piece of work ever Kerri. I love your sense of humour in most of your writing, but love your honest and considered thoughts here. Thank you, it was great.
This so timely – we are currently teaching Mr Almost-3 that the correct words are penis and vagina and who they belong to in our family. Do you remember that kid in Kindergarten Cop whose dad was a gynecologist and he walked around saying “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina”?. Well, that’s MY kid at the moment. Which is great, we want our children to use the correct words. But does he need to tell the deli woman in Woolies? Or the librarian? Or Nanny down the phone – “Nanny, you have a ‘gina!”. (Nanny is a “frontbottom” kinda woman.)? Ugh.
On a more serious note, this topic has been on my mind a lot lately as my children grow older and I start to really think about what I am saying and doing and how it affects their learning. I also read this in Child and it made me realise how important it is to be honest, open, and transparent with your children even in the most difficult of situations. I am trying very hard now to note my own responses to situations and decide whether they are what I want my children to learn. Funnily enough, much of the time the answer is no. I’m almost having to unlearn my tiptoe upbringing and relearn how to be honest.
Thanks Kerri. I hope your son continues to remember his aunt in joyous thoughts and memories, and that this incident can be unlearned. xx
Never teach cocrect names when your entire great-aunty population to my 7 and 9 year old are over 80 and English. It’s quite a conversation stopper…and enlightning for my aunties who between them havve 6 children to know the anatomical name for where they all emerged from!
Love it! My 7 yo calls hers (or anything within the region, really) a bagina. Always makes me think of pashmina, somehow. Could be worse!
I didn’t find it criticized the teacher so much as criticizing our society as a whole in the way that we deal with death.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if the teacher regretted her red-penning after doing it – by which time it would have been too late. I used to teach and sometime that red pen seems to have a mind of its own. The subconscious may have played a large role in this case.
Please don’t apologise April, your post was lovely.
Great piece Kerri. What I can see is the potential for your son to learn, via you, exactly what you so eloquently wrote here: not everyone feels ok about death. In our society it is an uneasy topic. There are others too. And that it’s ok to acknowledge that even if others don’t feel at ease talking about things like death, it needn’t stop you. You sound like one great mum. xxx
Thank you for writing an insightful piece on a difficult subject Kerri. I’m with the herd here – I believe that the teacher erred in correcting what your son had written. But as for her use of metaphor being inherently inappropriate in this context, well this is not so simple. Metaphor can soften, metaphor can enrich our understanding and metaphors can unintentionally slip into our conversation about death … sometimes they can even slip into a piece which is disparaging the use of metaphor when discussing death. This has even happened in your Guest Post, Kerri. You write, “My two older children have experienced death – they have lost a great-grandfather and an aunt – but they have never heard the term ‘passed away’. It’s not a term we use.”
Do you see the irony here? You don’t use the term “passed away” but you are happy to use the term “lost” as in “lost a great-grandfather and an aunt”. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not criticizing the sentiment behind your piece, just highlighting the inconsistency and how easy it is to use words such as “lost” rather than constantly using variants on the word “dead” or “die”. We should all be aware of the old proverb about glass houses before we too quickly cast stones. And yes, if anybody feels so inclined, go ahead and throw stones at my response.
Clearly, good writing is not dead.
Brilliant! Thing is, ‘penis’ is quite easy to say. Anyone with a girl knows that ‘vagina’ is a shocker. ‘Magina’, ‘Genina’, ‘J-gyna’, or my own daughter’s early version, ’shiny’. Sounds quite pretty, actually…..
Great post, very well written – thank you for sharing this. And while I agree that we should be direct and avoid such euphemisms where possible, I try to avoid the words ‘dead’ and ‘died’ because they’re so over-used these days… “the battery is dead”, “I could have died”, “dead to the world” (as in fast asleep), “you died”/”I died” etc when playing video games. It’s lost so much of its meaning to me that I prefer not to use it because it’s no longer about the actual loss of life – in the same way that gay doesn’t just mean happy anymore. I love language and it’s unfortunate that perfectly good words lose so much of their meaning through misuse.
However I think there was absolutely nothing wrong with what your son said and certainly nothing in need of correction by his teacher.
Btw I have the upmost respect for teachers as the majority are great at their jobs and do the right thing and must struggle daily with difficult demanding parents.
Beautiful piece Kerri- like Jayne, as another Child alumnus I recognised this quickly because I loved it when I first read it.You express yourself beautifully.
Just to bring the tone down a bit, I have to say that I totally agree with your labelling body parts correctly too. I am from a medical family and work in a hospital myself- I was determined that no child of mine was ever going to use words like “doodle” or “frontbottom”. Right from the get go he knew his genitals only as his penis… which worked beautifully until ssi first day of school, after which he came home and asked me very earnestly “Mummy, what’s a dick?”. Sigh…
Exactly AyJ and that’s exactly what I meant by my post. A big part of child development is understanding the different types of information children can handle at a certain age. If the children were in grade 8 and they still believed in Santa I could understand why the teacher would reveal that, but even so in that case the parents should be spoken to as it may be part of a larger problem.
I’m a bit confused kass and maybe you can explain this to me. “Dead” is an age appropriate language for kids “Passed away” etc would be more advanced as it applies use of a metaphor. So I don’t understand how its not age appropriate if the child is actually expressing this word in their written work where other children (who might be offended by the word “dead”) can’t see it.
I’m glad you explained the stance of the education system as it shows there is a deeper problem that teachers must struggle with.
I don’t mean to offend anyone but I think people are becoming way too soft, kids need to be taught resilience not to cower at the use of the words such as “dead”.
it’s worse of course. if the mother dies, the father is often too hurt himself to speak about it, the grandparents try to minimise things (mummy is in the sky….)and everything gets confused and confusing.
What a great perspective…both Kass & Kerri.
My 4yo was quite comfortable to tell people that he used to have a little sister, but she died. (she died in-utero at 26wks). Perhaps other’s didn’t feel comfortable with that explanation, but he did, and that was our goal. We are getting to the stage where it wont be long before the one of the grandparents dies, so I wonder how he will express that. As long as he feels able to (as Kerri’s son did) then I dont really mind how it comes out. But I do wonder about how young children express their feelings when their mum or dad dies, or their primary carer. How do you think this differs to when your mum/dad/carer can guide you through a death?
KMH this is so well said!
metaphor lol…
I’m a teacher too. I have been teaching for 17 years. I would never, I have never, corrected a child when they speak about a topic such as death. Death of a loved one is a very personal thing. No one has the right to correct the way a child speaks about that death. I have taught children who’s siblings, parents, grandparents, friends have died some suddenly, some less so.
My uni training, and all my professional development has stressed the importance of the child’s voice – of the child’s right to express themselves.
I do not think Kerri’s son’s language was confrontational, nor was it inappropriate.
Children often speak about things in a matter of fact way, unlike many adults they have not learnt to use what is deemed as more “socially acceptable’ language.
In my family, we speak plainly, it’s a vagina, a penis, people die. If other people choose to use other terms, that is their choice, but no one, teachers included, have the right to correct a child’s own terminology in this instance.
Also, it was a child’s piece of writing, his words, his opinions. In my opinion no correction of phrase was necessary at all.
Lovely writing Kerri, touching, honest, open.
that and: sometimes death occurs before children reach the age when they can comprehend what a mataphor is. i wouldn’t have liked to see my son running around town asking if someone had found his grandfather, because we ”lost” him….and have to explain all over again…
It annoys me that this has happened. Why is it a problem to say that someone is dead, when they are dead. Why do we have to dance around what is perfectly accurate and acceptable language? We dont “lose” people, people dont “pass”, they die, plain & simple. Why does death, a most natural part of the life cycle, become a word we cant even speak? I have no problem to be honest about people using the other words to describe death if they have to, but no one should ever be criticised for using the correct and accurate terminology. And the beauty of children is that they call it like it is. Simple, accurate, honest, beautiful.
what i can’t help wondering is the words that might have come with the correction…did she explain why she had done this , tell him that his way of saying it was correct bu that some people might find ”passed away” a more gentle way of saying it? judging from his embarrassed reaction i doubt it , but i’m pretty sure i would have questionned him about that and told him that some people are too scared of death to be confronted with it so bluntly. maybe asking him to remember that teachers are human too, and they make mistakes…. (i’m not telling what i would have suggested the teacher to do with her red pen though….)
well done you for considering her this way
good grief I blather – almost as badly as on twitter *apologies*
Wow – That would have gutted me I think..My children too don’t use euphanisms, where is the point…You are so right about all of this.
I am also glad that your son is getting to the stage where he can express himself about his aunt – it must be so hard being little and having someone you know die
Thankfully, the closest i have ever come to this was a comment that my daughter wrote in her “what happened over the summer” In grade one – which involved “Mum had a heart attack” – the teachers called me, very concerned for my health – I had had a broken heart – badly broken. Thats how non – euphanism my family is – If I cry – unless it is horrible awful dreadful reason then they get the truth – broken heart beacause (insert name here) doesn’t love her anymore.
I so think the teacher should have approached you about it and found out if you were okay with the way he was dealing with the death and is it okay by you that he speaks about it openly- this is a workbook, not a public display – if it had been I *might* understand it a bit more, but as it is just for him I don’t see why the correction was necessary.
Many hugs to you all x
I wouldn’t jump on you!
I actually thought very carefully about this. I felt it was an extremely important issue and one I wished to share. However, I tried to be as respectful to the teacher as possible, and to constantly reiterate that it was no reflection on her character at all. I also waited until she had not only left the school but left the country to publish the piece.
It is very hard to read criticism of oneself (I know!) but I do believe that, should the teacher ever read the story, she will realise it is not at all a personal attack, but rather a comment on society’s difficulties in articulating death.
This is an interesting one for me, as I am a teacher yet I didn’t like the teacher’s response. Yet, I can see why she might have done it.
She *might* have felt that his expression was grammatically incorrect. Or, she may have felt that, at 9, he was using language that was too confrontational. Now, before you jump at me – !! – I dont think she should have corrected it the way she did. She should have perhaps spoken to him quietly about it, and then chosen her response. At that age kids are not able to decipher what is and is not good expression.
Here’s the flip side. Teachers now are lectured ad nauseum about using “appropriate language” and especially “age appropriate language”. This is a VERY difficult line to tread because on one hand you have parents like Kerri who say things how they are and teach their kids to do so as well. On the other hand you have parents (and subsequently students) who are SUPER sensitive about what is said by teachers and how they are said. Schools are taking the most conservative, non confrontational approach possible because of the threat of litigation or – perhaps worse – the internet. We are now VERY limited in the kind of discipline we can use with students and yet when those same students do the wrong thing, we are blamed for not being hard enough on them. The point is that with “appropriate language” we are facing the same difficulties and there is no one approach that will suit all students and parents.
Kerri, you know I say this with no malice or harm intended, but truthfully, while I found your story interesting and touching, if a parent used their real name to post on the internet about a sensitive issue such as this and spoke about my teaching this way, I’d be furious. Teachers and their authority are undermined so much now as it is and once something is on the net, it’s out there. I know you didn’t name her but if she saw this. she would know it was her you are writing about. If that happened to me I would be really upset. I’m not advocating what she did to your sons work at all (in fact I was horrified) but I also think that you might have been as direct with her as you have here and perhaps even kept it a private matter.
(please dont jump on me!!)
Sorry – dead or alive. Proof read Bernadette
In awe of your ability to write about this Kerri. I think the whole fact that his aunt, dear or alive, was so special to him that he included her on his school journal, should really be all the teacher needed to know. That she was very special to him.
My 7yo tells everyone who will listen that “his Grandma died” Yeah and then starts singing “Isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder immediately after (her funeral song). He took it the hardest. Harder than me. And this is the way he deals, he talks about it, often, he talks about coffins and her funeral home and her ashes and I know he’s not being crass, it’s just his way of processing and dealing.
So too your lovely son by the sounds of things. His way. x
DEFINITELY not in the same sentence!
Agreed AyJ, we definitely do understand a LOT about child psychology. We are also dealing with huge conflict in the way parents want their kids educated and we are VERY restricted in what we can say and do in classes.
Yeah, wouldn’t have touched that puppy either. After all, it did come out of a vagina
That made me laugh xx
Absolutely wonderful piece Kerri.
are you freakin’ kidding? what year 3 child would know ‘birth canal’ ?????
Oh, your poor little boy Kerri.
What a shame that this teacher, however well-meaning, has made him self-conscious about an extremely emotional, already difficult event – losing his beloved aunty.
Sadly this ‘discomfort’ with death can have devastating effects. I’m attending a funeral tomorrow for a friend who died of cancer (oops, almost typed passed away!). During her last year, many of her friends pulled away, because they didn’t know what to say or how to handle the situation. Of course, this just added heartbreak for this poor girl who was already in terrible pain, going through awful treatment, and struggling for her life.
I remember my mum going through the same thing – some friends deserting her because it was just too hard, but some other amazing people who offered amazing love and support, and added so much quality to her final stages of life.
If only we could just let people express, however they need to, and be there for them, and remove some of the stigma from dying. After all, we’ll all get there sometime.
The teacher seems to be telling him what he is saying is wrong, and what she believes is right. Kerri is trying to say that everyone has opinions, but not one opinion is right, it is just that: opinion. The teacher tried to tell him he was wrong by circling the statement in red. He was exactly right, it is all about emotion and personal choice. There is no right and wrong way to express grief and the teacher had no right to tell the boy what he said was wrong. It is conforming to what society deems acceptable. She is more than within her own rights to have her own opinions, but dont tell a 9 year old he is wrong about a topic you can’t be wrong about, just because she differs in what she believes in.
I agree, my father died when I was 3 and my mum never re-married. But I think it is a bit confronting to say ‘My Dad is dead’ to another person (not me). I usually say that my mother is a widow.
We do take a lot of psychology units, and most of us continue updating our skills after we graduate as teachers and would never make such a mistake. This replacement teacher must have had some personal reason for revealing the Santa myth to the class – and sadly she has decided that her personal viewpoints are superior to the cultural norm. I would be furious if this had happened in my child’s classroom.
I tend to use the gentle ‘passed away’ metaphor when I tell people about my father dying, but more for their sake than mine. If I say “My father is dead” then people physically recoil from me. It’s like I’ve wounded them.
I think most of the world probably isn’t ready for such forthrightness when it comes to death, but after I’ve experienced it so close to home, it seems to be more matter-of-fact for me.
A lovely piece, Kerri. I hope your son’s teacher might read this in her travels on the internet… maybe she will better understand once she does, because you’ve written it so eloquently.
Kerri’s written it so it’s no surprise how beautifully worded this post is. The thing that strikes me is this is a thoughtful, thought-provoking, interesting discussion point that refers to a child unnecessarily being made to feel bad without jumping into a tirade against his teacher. Emotional, yet measured and utterly touching.
I’m very much in the call a spade a bloody shovel camp, but I admit to finding the word ‘dead’ jarring. Not because I don’t think it should be used but because it just sounds so very blunt and final and hurtful – which death is. So, sorry to hear you lost your sister too early, Kerri. xox
“To be honest, I was quite taken aback. I couldn’t even imagine NOT saying I had two sisters.”
That’s your right, she was your sister not theirs, so no-one has the right to judge you. They can take their sensitivity elsewhere.
Excellent point!
Teachers definitely should be made to take some sort of child development courses at uni. Particularly in psychology.
And besides – he’s *nine*, so it’s not quite realistic to expect him to know this kind of finer grammar point. Later, maybe, but not now.
“Kerri wants her son to be able to express himself how he likes, yet the teacher cant”
If the teacher wants to use “sadly passed away” when talking about *her* family members, I’m sure Kerri wouldn’t object. But that’s not what this about.
A wonderful piece Kerri, and timely following a conversation I had this afternoon with my 9 year old regarding his teacher this year. He’s struggling with her and his exact words were “she doesn’t respect me, every other teacher I’ve had has always respected me”. Now I need to decide what I do with this, respect is a big issue in our house and I’m gutted to know that he’s struggling with this and so proud of him at the same time for being able to tell me so succinctly how he feels. 9 is my favourite age so far.
A wonderful memory was also brought back to me by your piece, a fabulously forthright friend of mine’s Mother died some years ago and she was completely perplexed by all the people that said how sorry they were that she’d ‘lost’ her Mum …. her response, “Oh, I haven’t lost her, she died, I know exactly where she is!”. Priceless.
This is so sad. It would have been good if you could have spoken with the teacher and had her apologise to your son..as I feel she should.
To me, if the sentence was wildly grammatically incorrect, the teacher could have shown a little tact and spoken to your son about the grammatical error. But her “correction” based on her own sensiblities is objectionable. The thought of the red circle around the words “dead Aunt” just seems offensive.
you say tomato…..
sure, be honest and up front about death, but dont take away a persons right to say it however they like. you like saying “dead, died, killed etc” whereas other people prefer to be less abrasive.
I find this article almost being contradictory. Kerri wants her son to be able to express himself how he likes, yet the teacher cant? while she may have not chosen the correct way of doing it (perhaps the use of red pen and her tone could have been different) but I dont see the big deal.
perhaps i missed the point.
I love your comment SarahT2B as I can’t stand the “no longer with us” phrase. I also have a friend, that as a result of celiac disease, has lost alot of weight, but slowly she is gaining it back. No one has ANY problems with calling her a “bag of bones” or “skinny” or telling her to eat more. It really hurts her feelings and she shouldn’t have to put up with that! Yet if your overweight everyone has to dance around the issue and make subtle suggestions such as having a “balanced diet” and “being more active” instead of “stop eating so much” and “get off your fat ass”. I know that’s not the case for everyone, but only less than 2% of people genetically have problems losing weight and more than 2% are obese.
What an interesting (and poignant) piece. I tried to imagine what I would say, how I would feel, if I had lost my sister (or family member) in such a way. It’s a fairly confronting thought process – my children are very close to their aunts and uncles so I can only imagine that they would wish to talk about such a situation quite a bit. And I would certainly fight to ensure they could speak openly and easily – and I would expect the adults in their world to ‘go with it’.
That said, I can see that the pressure on teachers to ‘walk the line’ between PC, knowing their own boundaries, and offering guidance in expression, might be tough too. Not excusing the judgement potentially expressed in her re-phrase… just that it was a lapse that perhaps intended no malice? It’s a tough job they have – and you are right – it’s a society level issue.
Gorgeous writing.
BB
Agreed! I dont think that circling it in red pen shows any sympathy towards the situation. What a Git.
The power of the teacher is shocking to those who are yet to experience it. The full-force of teacher’s authority was brought home to me a few weeks before the end of last year when my Grade 1 child proudly told me that she knew Santa wasn’t true cos the replacement teacher on Monday told her so. and even enlightened her that mummy and daddy buy them and just pretend they’re from Santa. The school and I did some fancy footwork and she pretended to be back on the Santa train, but that seed of doubt is there now and nothing will change it.
Similarly, the memories if his lovely aunt will now be shadowed by the red circle around the words ‘dead aunt’. And I’m not sure most teacher’s actually understand exactly how their seemingly little actions affect the kids so deeply.
And for the record, much to my in-laws discomfort we use the words dead, vagina and penis! Although not usually all i three iin the same sentence.
I really hope Kerri brought this to the attention of the teacher as this arguing over semantics has reached a new level of ridiculous. Can’t people express themselves how they want to anymore?! It seems that only the ones left behind are so sensitive about death.
I was diagnosed with leukaemia when I was 20 years old (have been in complete remission now for 6 years) and myself and the friends I made who also had cancer talked openly and honestly about death, we never said “pass away” but “die”. If we saw a friend at the hospital and someone we both knew died we said “so and so died” not “passed away”.
I remember there was one particular bed in the hosptial that whenver I slept there the person in the bed next to me always died the next day. It happened THREE times. Did I get upset? No, but it made as an interesting (and strangely funny) story to the other patients and hospital staff. Especially when I made a protest the FOURTH time they tried to put me in that bed and I refused.
To some people that may sound morbid and I don’t mean to offend anyone, but when you are literally surrounded by death, you need to come to accept it, grieve, make light of it and move on.
so well put Jodie A, so glad you talk about your sister openly in your family and you tell people you have 2 sisters..so many families don’t do this and i think it makes everything so much worse, it’s like an elephant that always sits in the room…
so sad that small minded people are entrusted to educate young people. How insensitive of the teacher to scrawl red pen over someone’s dead aunt!
But I say ‘when she died…’ now, when referring to it.
I can understand why people sometimes feel the need to use a euphemism, although not in this instance. I recently had to call around to my friends and tell them a school friend was killed as a result of a car accident (because some f**kwit had put up the newspaper article on facebook).
It was just too hard to call people at their place of work and say ‘X has been killed in a car accident. The baby’s dead too.’
While this might reflect society’s hang ups about death, I’m not going to do my bit to break the cycle by talking like that when passing on this kind of news.
Just a thought – why is people have trouble with a word in one context but not another? People routinely say ‘brain dead’ when someone is brain dead, and don’t say ‘brain passed away’ or ‘brain no longer with us’ (that one almost is funny to read…!). Why can’t you call someone who is dead, dead? It bugs me when normal adjectives are somehow interpreted as offensive or insulting. Dead isn’t an insult. ‘Fat’ is another one that gets euphemised all the time, and yet it’s just an adjective like ‘tall’ (also – why is ‘tall’ ok but ’short’ isn’t??) or ‘male’.
This is a terrific way to allow them space for their beliefs. I know one of the things my bf truly appreciates about how he was raised was that when he asked his parents, “Is there a god?” they said, “I don’t know.” It gave him space to wonder, and to question, and to enquire, and ultimately come to his own conclusions, which is quite a gift. Good on you, Kerri!
Strange I should read this piece after I have just sealed up two sympathy cards I wrote. One to the neighbour whose brother died, and one to my husband’s grandmother about the death of her son. In both I used the word “death.” That is what it is. I grew up knowing about death from a young age. For the little it is worth, I think the teacher was utterly at fault here. However, I also know from my work with Rory’s Garden many people write about their children using words like “passed away” and “born asleep.” I understand that too. Sometimes euphemisms are our only recourse when the hurt is too deep for reality. T.S Eliot put it best: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” This is probably true in the case of your son’s teacher.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by KerriSackville: Hard piece to write, thank you @miafreedman for posting it xxx http://bit.ly/aVlu5E...
Wow!Truly poignant and beautifully expressed. I would have been furious and gone off like a rocket at the teacher…such a typical reaction for me. You are to be congratulated for restraining yourself from putting her back in her euphamism filled box!
I still think (and of course I have the right to butt in and tell you what to do ; ) ) that his teacher does need to understand the repurcussions of her correction and how it made your son DOUBT himself.
One of my daughters had a teacher who was constantly on at her about her (then undiagnosed) dyslexia and it caused my very sensitive and artistic daughter to hate writing down all her incredibly creative thoughts for many many years.
Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
p.c at its worst. it was corrected because of the teachers own hang-ups.
sensitivity not being taken into account and an unnecessary correction was made.
it reminds me of a story i read about a young boy 5 yrs old who always seemed to colour everything in black. black crayon,pencil,paint …everything black…he ended up getting into continual trouble for his use of black…
the simple story is that it was his favourite colour at the time….no sinister meanings behind it, just his favourite colour.
another example of an uncomfortable adult in a child’s world…
im glad kerri you brought it to the teachers attention even if its not want you really wanted to say….i think she would have got the message..:)
What a beautiful tale. My best friend is currently at the end of a long battle with cancer. Our children (10, 8 and 5) think of her as family. We are trying to prepare them for when she dies. By speaking of her death in a matter of fact way they are comfortable asking questions, crying when they feel sad and talking about it openly. They will see her to say good bye before she dies. If they wish, they will be able to go to the funeral, but if they don’t that’s OK too. I have had a few friends question why we have ‘involved’ them in this stage of her illness as it is likely to upset them and why we would allow them to go to the funeral. We didn’t really consider not involving them – they loved her when she was healthy and they still love her now and I think (hope) that them being able to express themselves ‘along the way’ will help them cope with their grief when she dies.
Thanks Kerri. xx
Thank you. My older kids ask a lot where Tanya is and if she is in heaven. I tell them no-one really knows but I confirm what I believe, and ask them what they think, because their opinion is as valid as anyone elses!
I did, I told him that some people prefer to use different words but what he wrote was absolutely true and perfectly appropriate and that I thought his description was beautiful. xxx
My mum died a week before my 18th birthday when I was in the middle of Year 12 (rotten year). I guess I was ‘permitted’ by society to say my mum had died, but for my four year old sister, the rules were different. She started school the following year with a well-rehearsed line that her mother had ‘passed away’ even though she understood that concept even less than the fact her mum was not coming back.
People are more sensitive about the words death and dead coming from the mouth of a little kid. I have no idea why. It’s silly really, protecting other people’s feelings when you’re the one grieving, but we found ourselves doing just that. Just like Kerri says, you find yourself avoiding being too confronting.
I guess it stems from a desire to shield children from the more tragic realities of our existence. But surely if a kid has experienced this first hand, they are entitled to call it whatever they like.
Beautiful piece, Kerri.
My grandparents died recently and gave my family a new insight to dealing with death, with my nieces and nephews (their great-grandchildren) around. When my Nanna died, my 5 year-old nephew said, ‘Mum, your Nanna who is my Nanna’s Mum died didn’t she? And you’ll never see her again?’ It was quite confronting, but he needed to sort it all out in his mind. I know at that age he doesn’t really understand what happened, but using metaphors wouldn’t help that, would it?
Grammatically, you are correct — and if she had written, ‘my aunt who died’ or even ‘my aunt who passed away’ this would indicate that fact. However, she wrote ‘my aunt who sadly passed away’, thereby inserting her own bias into the sentence. Correcting his sentence should not involve changing the meaning in such a way; if it were a translation this would be a bad job.
Perhaps, because (I am assuming) the picture was not of a dead person, she was only fixing the grammar? It was indeed a picture of “the aunt who has died” not “a dead aunt”
Adults can really mess things up because of their own discomforts. Such a shame your son was made to feel bad about a perfectly real statement.
Years ago my son witnessed our neighbours dog deliver a puppy (there was only one) when he wrote in his record book that the puppy nearly got stuck in the bitch’s vagina (which is how my neighbour would have spoken, he is very matter of fact)
the teacher corrected it with ‘ mother dogs birth canal.’ he explained to her that a bitch is a female dog and a vagina is where the baby comes out. His teacher game him a detention (he was in grade 3 at the time)
Needless to say the detention did not eventuate and I actually took the puppy into class many weeks later and she refused to hold him.
people seem to be most uncomfortable about the most natural things.
Kids have the very noble skill of saying it how it is, sometime thier honesty is brutal. However, you son was simply stating a fact in his journal. If he used other adjectives to describe somehting else and the teacher did not like the use of those words would she have corrected him there? I am afraid her own bias has interferred with her teaching here.
I love the way that children can express themselves without feeling the need for the euphemisms that we so often seem to need, I find it refreshing and honest. I am sorry your son felt chastened by his teacher’s response Kerri, I hope it does not dampen his creative spirit. A lovely post you have written.
When people ask me about my father, I always say that he is dead, or that he died six years ago. It seems odd to say passed away. Passed away to where? He and I are/were both athiests. I was raised to believe that dead is dead. It’s not disrespectful to say it. It was tragic, it was sad. But it doesn’t make me love him less to state the facts.
Beautiful.
I am of the belief that especially for children it is important to state facts and not lead them into some kind of confusion.
When my grandfather died, I was about ten, I thought that I killed him, my fault. No one really talked about the fact that you don’t get cancer from catching a cold… because no one talked about it at all. It was just very sad and very distrubing and I spent a long time carrying the guilt of what I thought was everyones unhappiness… I digress…
I watched a really wonderful interview once – Maggie Taberer (?) was interviewing Natalie Bloom about the death of one of her children – a twin. Natalie at the time had a toddler who was asking many questions about what happened to her little brother, one which Natalie felt she couldn’t really answer because she didn’t know the answers to them.
Her and her husband sort professional help as to how to talk about this with their children and the advice they were given was to be honest. What ever that is for you – so they used the word ‘died’ and when asked if the little brother was in heaven they told her they didn’t know.
The parents were struggling enormously with their grief too and so this approach also helped them.
This is something that I really resonate with – being honest about the reality of life. I love what you have written here, I am so sorry that your sister died – I feel your immense pride in a little boy who expresses himself and the way that he feels with such authentic truth. What an enormous tribute that is to you and your family.
BTW – this has been a strange day. I just today had this sudden urge to write a post about my sister for later this year, and I wrote 1500 words so quickly. And now I read this, and it’s about her again.
Sorry – I’m rambling. Tears now. x
Beautiful post, Kerri.
I guess I’m guilty of this also. As you know, my sister was in a car accident when I was very young. My parents always described it as she was “killed in a car accident”. However, when I referred to it in my sons’ school newsletter last year, I didn’t write “killed” because I thought it might be too direct for readers? I used “died in a car accident” instead. But it’s the truth. She was killed. The road killed her. The car she was driving in killed her.
Something else that’s interesting. I was seeing a hairdresser a while ago who knew that my sister had died when I was younger. She had told me about her sister’s daughter who had died very young. Anyway, one day she said to me, “I think it’s really nice that when you’re asked how many sisters you have, you say ‘I have two sisters’. I like that you don’t leave out your sister who died.” To be honest, I was quite taken aback. I couldn’t even imagine NOT saying I had two sisters. I do have two sisters. Yes, one is dead, but I still have two sisters. And to be honest, I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable if I mention it. I could never leave my sister out of it.
My parents always spoke openly of Valda’s death. And openly about her, period. That’s how I know her. Through their memories. xxx
BTW – we always speak openly of death in our house. No metaphors. xx
Oh my gosh – I remember reading this – and LOVING it – when it was first published, but didn’t realise it was Kerri’s. Or, I should say, I didn’t know Kerri’s work as I know it now. Another beautiful piece of writing.
Great piece Kerri. It is a reminder of how our filters in this case the teachers need for “good manners” or “less direct” terms can get in the way of hearing what is really important to someone telling us a story or sharing an experience.
When we have experienced death in our home I am guided by my children’s use of words to describe events and facts…in our house in their words and eyes their great – grandparents are dead – that’s it (and they are). One of the wonders of having children is you get to see the world through their context often simple and uncomplicated. Recently my daughter asked me to do something, I said no…she asked why…I thought about a “nice, well mannered, considered response”..before honestly saying “I don’t want to” Her response was a lesson to me – she said OK and moved on to something else.
I don’t know why we have to complicate many things in life by wrapping them in a bow and making them see “prettier” then they are. Death of a love one is often a stark & bleak time and your son’s simple description beautifully illustrates this.
There will be another time for a noble ending I am sure!
Well said, Kerri, you’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head here — we, as a society, seem to be very uncomfortable with death.
Did you manage to clarify to your son in the end that he had used an acceptable word?
Beautiful post Kerri. Thanks for posting it Mia.
I agree with everything you said, Kerri. Clearly the teacher was uncomfortable. If that’s how your son would like to refer to his aunt than that should be more than ok.
Sorry, poor typing I mean acceptance of death.
Thank you Kerri. I was pulled up just the other day by my boss for being “too harsh” when I said somebody had died. I was not disrespectful in anyway and didn’t really understand it at the time, usually she is very easy going. I think your piece has made me realise that she was uncomfortable about the blunt acceptable of death.