Group Therapy: “Can I eat my words (even though they are 11 years old)?”?
Christine* writes
I was going out with my high school boyfriend, Ryan* for about 3 years, when he cheated on me on his trip to the Gold Coast for Schoolies. While I tried to forgive him, a few months later I ended our relationship as I was unable to get past the whole breach of trust issue.
Up until that point, we had a great relationship. In fact, looking back it was a wonderful “first love” relationship – we had loads of fun together and I still consider him to be my first love.
About 9 months later, I saw Ryan at a local night club. It was the first time I had seen him since we had broken up and, after a number of hours of drinking, I gave him what for…everything I had been afraid to tell him regarding his cheating came spewing forth. I was like a girl possessed. I was absolutely horrible to this guy to the point that I had his friends telling me to stop. This guy (actually, man), who I once loved, was in tears. In a nightclub. In front of his mates.
I have not seen him since.
Fastforward 11 years. I am married to the love of my live. We have two amazing children. Life, while not perfect, is pretty darn good…but that night in the club is eating away at me and has been for about 12 months now. I do not know why I am only recently starting to have feelings of guilt…perhaps it is now that I am a mother I would hate for someone to treat my children the way I did Ryan. I am not an agressive person AT ALL and I actually cannot stand conflict of any kind, however, the guilt I feel about how I treated Ryan is eating away at me.
While I cannot remember all the specific details of everything I said that night, I can still see the way he looked at me, with so much hurt in his eyes, it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I could possibly make another human being feel that way.
Through the grapevine, I know that Ryan is now divorced with a young child of his own.
So I guess my question is: Do I try to track him down to apologise for my behavior that night all those years ago, or do I simply accept the fact that for that one night, I was an absolute bitch and just let sleeping dogs lie?
Image by Hamed Saber
You might also like:
-
GROUP THERAPY: ‘Should I stay or should I go?’
-
GROUP THERAPY: is it normal for a guy to watch porn?
-
‘I love him but I don’t know if I’m IN love with him…’
-
Miley Cyrus admires mum’s tattoos at Oscars
-
Virginity. What’s the best age to lose it?
Have you considered writing a letter that you don’t intend to post/send? In it express all of your regrets, feelings, things you wish you had/hadn’t said, your wishes for Ryan and his future etc. Get it all out and then either rip it up, put it away for a while and then decide after some space if you still think you need him to read it, or if it was something you just needed to get out on paper.
If you contact him now, you may really mess with his head. You have no idea what is going on for him in his present life. He may think you want to start up a relationship with him again. He cheated on you. You had a melt-down. You were horrible to him and you feel you made a mistake in the things you said. Okay that’s life. Get over it. If you can’t move on you should see someone to help you deal with what you are feeling. If you had apologised to him not long after the event, it would have been a reasonable thing to do. If you were to bump into him and spontaneously apologise that’s also fine, but to seek him out after all these years to apologise ….? Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved stuff that you need help with, but you should get the help for yourself and leave him alone.
I don’t really see why you’d apologise, apart from making yourself feel better (and this is a valid reason – no matter what someone has done wrong to me, I hate making another person feel bad …) …
It’s a shame you can’t remember exactly what you said because I think that’s what it comes down to … if you really cut below the belt and humiliated him, you might apolgise for not finding a healthier way to express your anger ..
It’s far more likely though, that you really just told him (in 10 ways) how he’d made you feel by cheating and his tears were more based on his own guilt, his abominable behaviour, and the realisation that he’d hurt you so badly …
You’re probably feeling calmer about it now because time has passed by and life is good for you … but to be blunt, he was your first love and he cheated on you and broke your heart … he kinds deserves to feel bad about it! –
i.e., rest assured that if you REALLY got to him, there’s a good chance he never cheated on anyone ever again …
(Though, ah, it might be worth looking into the reasons for his divorce!? – oh, okay okay, I’m kidding, sorry …)
x TDMJ
I’m sorry he cheated on you, he reaped what he sowed so to speak. I feel for you – experiencing guilt for your behaviour but I would work through it another way.
It’s worth mentioning too that you apologising would be ffor YOU not for the guy. As most people have said, he probably wouldn’t think anything of it at all. He may even think you’re a bit loopy for still feeling bad hehe. But it will help YOU get past it, and that’s not a bad thing. At least it would show you learned a valuable lesson right?
The worst thing that will happen if you track him down and apologise? Nothing. You will ease your guilt and maybe your karma.
The worst thing that will happen if you don’t? Probably the guilt won’t go away. It won’t hurt to track him down. When I was 18 I hooked up with my (then) best friend’s boyfriend, which turned into a 2.5 year relationship. I lost my best friend over it (but had found out beforehand that she had kissed my then boyfriend at the time, hence I had no issues doing it to her). Then, funnily enough, after I had my first child (5 years later) I began to feel guilty about treating someone that way, so I wrote her a letter (she still lived at the same address) aplogising for having done it. We mended things and the guilt went away.
If anything, it might make him feel a little better that at least you have been feeling bad about it.
Or do nothing. Whatever hehe
Let sleeping dogs lie. You were young and drunk and im sure he got over it after a week or so.
Gosh Christine.. I have been there! An ex boyfriend of mine that i had been best friends with for 6 years and which then grew into a relationship for 3 years. He was my high school sweetheart and we were inseparable. When we broke up i treated him REALLY badly.
I have been in a wonderful relationship for the past 5 years and am recently married- but I kept having dreams about my ex and him hating me or me feeling bad about the way i treated him. I think it was my sub conscious telling me something…
So…. i emailed him- 5 years after breaking up and apologised for being such a nasty person and treating him badly and told him that he was always going to mean something to me. It was the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders… And now i dont have dreams about him anymore… ahhhhhhh…
Did he reply? How did he react? Sorry for the questions – I’m a detail girl!
yep he replied.. said thanks and that he was really hurt at the time, learnt alot from our relationship and break up and had finally gotten over it. We aren’t the best of friends now or anything but we send each other birthday messages every year and both have a mutual respect for each other and what we had years ago. I still care deeply about him, but he just wasnt the one for me!
If you think of all the things he’s been through since then, I’m sure he’s forgotten or it just isn’t even on his radar. If he’s divorced, I’m sure he’s been through worse pain and doesn’t need it rubbed in that he’s been rejected (however justifiably) by two of the major loves of his life.
If you saw him frequently, I’d say maybe mention it in passing, but getting in touch out of the blue may do more harm than good. At least you know he’s moved on.
I reckon if you want to apologise, go for it. Just write a short letter – don’t dredge up too much, and say make sure you explain why it’s been on your mind lately.
I really doubt he has been obsessing over these words in the way you have. He has probably accepted that he deserved some vitriol for the way he treated you and if you were to go to him and apologise, he’d be very surprised that you had devoted so much guilt to it. Perhaps write him a letter apologising so you can let go of the situation but don’t send it.
This may sound silly, but, try writing him a letter. Write down exactly what you want to say. In detail. Then just sit with it for a while and see how the act of writing out your feelings changes how you feel.
This may give you the peace you are looking for.
Incase it isn’t clear, I am not suggesting you actually send him the letter.
PS Gig, I think you took the reds instead of the blues today.
I’m just as grumpy on the blue pills..
I can relate a story from the other side, well, not exactly the same, but similar.
A couple of years ago, I received an email from an ex, apologising for treating me badly and hurting me so badly, and ‘damaging’ me. I was furious! I had entirely moved on and realised this guy was a total loser. Here he was after years of no contact, and me not thinking of him, attempting to patronise me again! He assumed that he was incredibly significant and powerful over my life, and that years later I was still be lost and depressed waiting for his apology.
What a self-important dick, I thought, and ignored it.
Basically what I’m trying to say, is by assuming this event is still in some way impacting this fellow, you might be assuming too much.
It is most likely he has moved on and healed in his own way and dredging it up is not really necessary. He cheated on you and hurt your heart, perhaps this outburst even helped him to consider other people’s feeling in the future. I really think focussing on your life now would be the healthiest thing to do.
I could not agree more with everything Peanut has said here.
Fantastic alternative viewpoint and one very much worth considering! Esp. if he was to let you know how patronising you were to get back in touch for that – could it then become a further incident to stress more about if it went the wrong way? xo
I think the key might be in the way you frame the apology – if you make it clear that you are apologising because of how it’s affected you, not how you think it may have affected them… then the reaction would probably be different
That’s true – maybe if he’d said: ‘I feel bad I was such a jerk’ I would have taken it better than: ‘Sorry I ruined your life, you pathetic gibbering mess’. But to be honest, if you’re over something that upset you, the last thing you really want to do is think about it again…
Yup, same thing happened to me. I was really annoyed that he felt the need to intrude into my life and apologise to me for actions years beforehand. (He had been through therapy, realised that he had low self esteem issues which is why he tried to make me feel bad about myself). I thought, OK, so you feel better but what about me? I didn’t need to feel better. I don’t have self esteem issues, despite your best efforts, so good for you.
You were cheated on. Heartbreaking in itself. You broke up with him & moved on with your life.
Perhaps by breaking up with him it wasn’t enough & there were still feelings of anger & hurt towards this person. You said what you needed to say, you expressed your hurt & resentment towards this person because they caused you such hurt. Why should you care how he felt that night when he clearly didn’t care what hurt may have been inflicted onto you when he cheated.
We all do & say things in our life that come back to haunt us, but this isn’t something that should haunt you. You have nothing to be guilty for. You did what alot of women would have, some even longer down the track.
You do not owe him an apology. Remember the reason why you gave him a tounge lashing in the first place; He hurt you.
I think there is something more going on for you then suddenly regretting this action from 11 years ago. I’m no therapist, but it sounds to me like something in your life now has caused these feelings to resurface…what is the common denominator between your life now, and then? – not the situation, the feelings?
I think the same thing. Why do you feel compelled to apologise to him? He cheated on you.
11 years ago. Time to let it go. Sounds like he deserved a good tounge lashing any way.
PS – Mia is there going to be functionalty to delete our own posts?
Would your apology be to appease your own guilt by trying to make amends or to offer him something that you think would make him feel better? It’s one thing to feel remorse yourself, and learn a life lesson from that, but it’s another thing to dredge something painful up for someone else in an attempt to try and settle something within yourself.
He may not want your apology. He may have moved on and forgotten all about you. He may still remember you with pain. Either way, he probably isn’t looking for or necessarily interested in your apology.
You could try writing him a letter pouring it all out and then burning the letter. That might give you the closure you need.
This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Who is the apology actually for?
My mum has a funny saying that always rings true in times when you’re eaten up with hate/envy/fury/pent up emotions from a decade ago: “Give it to Jesus!” She is only half joking. Mum, a former school teacher with 40+ years experience with girls, boys, men, women, parents, professionals, everybody, means to throw it out and wipe your hands of it. Will it change what happened? Will it open up a can of proverbial worms? What will it mean to your hubby if you renew contact? Why not just send cheerful thoughts to him and if you bump into him, have a kind word or apology to say then?
Leave it. He probably doesn’t even remember it.
Just let it go and treat it as an important lesson you should teach your own children. And that you learnt yourself.
How can you still be obsessing about something that happened when you still a child, practically? You did not murder anyone, you certainly did not cheat on anyone, you got drunk and you were a bit obnoxious. Big deal – we’ve all been there. You need to live with the words you said and move on. I can almost guarantee that he has too. And if that’s the case, what if he has forgotten everything and your dredging it up again just reminds him of the hurt? You’re not a bad person, you just did a dumb thing, once. That’s life.
Since MM went global, that is, broadened her appeal, it seems that there are two streams of topics, with the emphasis placed on the younger topics and comments.
The MM community was built back in 2007 by an erudite, albeit, small group of women, 30s, 40s, and 20s, that enjoyed the banter, the give and take on issues that varied from politics to frockwatch. There was a balance between the frivolous and the fascinating, it gave a respite, yet stimulation, that these women sought in their business and parenting lives.
Introducing Dolly style posts, such as this, about a girl’s memories of when she was seventeen, insult these long time readers and commenters. It’s all very well introducing a new layout, but please recognise that the core demographic don’t want to
revert to Dolly. least of all Dolly on line, and that they may suggest that you rethink not only your layout but also your treatment of what is potentially a huge market.
Reverting to Dolly On Line is akin to duplicating a female Picture Magazine online. The content is trite, the substance is zero, and the readership above a certain age or IQ will be non-existent.
And, btw, thanks for the censorship on my recent comments.
Gig, because you are one of the longest-standing and most loyal MM readers, I am going to take the time to reply to your comment in detail.
I owe you that.
You may be right or you may be wrong in what you say above. My vote goes for neither – it’s simply your opinion and one you are entitled to have.
The best thing about a website is that it can be an evolving beast. In fact it has to be. A good blog will not stay the same. It will change and develop with the community around it.
Mamamia is not the same website it was when it began in 2007, that is certainly true. I wouldn’t want it to be.
I’m certainly not the same person I was back then and if nothing else, this website needs to reflect me.
I pay the bills around here, after all.
What I’ve always believed is that women (well, people but particularly women) don’t have to be all one thing.
Some people may not see the congruency in having a post about Tony Abbott, one about Haiti, another about botox and a recipe for semen smoothies all on the same site.
I do.
I like to mix it up. I like light and shade, big and small. I am as interested in the minutiae of people’s lives as I am The Big Issues. I like to laugh and I like to be moved.
Mostly, I like to learn a little bit more about things I don’t know, whether these things are complex, trivial, absurd or vitally important.
The definition of ‘important’ is also something that’s very subjective.
And so much of what we do around here is share. That’s how women tend to bond and learn – about others and about ourselves. You call it whinging, we call it venting.
By reading and thinking about other people’s lives and problems (whether big or small) we often end up learning about our own.
If that all sounds trite and simplistic, I don’t mean it to.
But it’s a mistake to dismiss people’s emotions as trivial.
The problem that Christine chose to share was one that is clearly troubling her. She knows it’s not life or death but she wanted some friendly advice.
Is there harm in that?
Not every Mamamia post will be to your liking. That’s cool. I’m averaging 4-6 posts a day at the moment so there’s bound to be another one coming along within hours that might ring your bells a little louder.
As for why your last comment was deleted, unlike this one, it added nothing to the conversation except anger.
Gig, you are so well respected around here and your input is valued. If something shits you, just pass it by.
Are you even in touch with your older readers? I mean other than bugmum? While you may receive 4-6 potential posts a day, that doesn’t vouch for the quality of those posts. I don’t so much tune into MM to see what the latest vapid topic is, rather I’m told. Seems I’m the angry messenger. The most common phrase I hear is ‘dumbing down’, and the second is ‘I can’t believe she’s posting this’.
This from people who love you. Why do they stay around? Because you have built such a powerful brand, but more because they, we, I, love you. You are the perfect blogger, you are our writer de jour, a woman who says what the world is about and asks our comments. In the past you traded your opinions for our clicks, and we returned them, in folds.
Now it seems that you are substituting random, arbitary opinions and stories in place of what was once a quality blog. A free for all, of any complaint under the sun. I’d ask you to vet such entractes, to consider those readers who have grown beyond Dolly and over time have visited here for meaningful discussion.
Of course you can’t be expected to write numerous posts per day on varied subjects. But surely there is a more interesting way to host reader-generated content, than a slavish publishing of all amateurism. This is the new journalism, after all.
However, what’s really crazy is that this is your blog, and has very little to do with me. It reminds me of the unicyclist who juggled a bowling ball, an egg and a chain-saw on stage.
He said, ‘Some people say this is a crazy way to make a living. But you know what is really crazy? I used to go into the city everyday, from 9 to 5, go to the same office, sit at the same desk, talk to the same people. Do you know what was really crazy? I didn’t even have a job.’
This is by far my favourite blog exactly because it has a bit of everything and the themes and posts range from magazine style content to the totally unexpected and cover a large demographic… naturally some things will be more on target for me than others, and others less so. Most blogs choose a specialised or narrower topic area and stick to that whereas this is like a news portal with things I love (Frocks! Supportive women who understand fertility issues and are kind to each other! Women and career and happiness balance!) mixed with things aimed at other people who are not me. 6/6 posts are not going to appeal to me, but there’s plenty that do, and the real strength is in the lovely community which doesn’t exist elsewhere, and the variety.
It’s still my fave!
GIGDIARY! Banana cake please. Put your manners back in.
Just a thought – while some people might find it trite and tedious to read posts such as the above, others might find it trite and tedious to read comments maligning the content of a blog rather than simply choosing not to read it. Currently, nobody is required to pay for the content on this, or any other blog. Until such time as we’re paying consumers, I’m inclined to keep my mouth shut about a person’s choice of content.
For my part, I still really enjoy this blog, generally as much as I think I did in 2008 when I started reading. And I am in my 30s. The only thing that seems to be missing for me now is more about Mia herself. Although, given the book etc I can imagine that she might be tired of giving us more of herself. The semen cookbook post was the only one recently where I really felt like I didn’t want to know about that or see any dicsussion of it. For me, that would have been better as a link to the original blog on twitter and not worthy of a whole post here. But still, it is Mia’s blog and her vision. Perhaps you could contribute a piece yourself Gig. That would be an interesting read!
Gig
Normally when I read your posts, I find myself nodding along in agreement with your opinions…however this time – not so much.
I love reading the Group Therapy posts. Sometimes I can relate to the situations that writers find themselves in, sometimes not. It is the readers comments that suck me right in though. Some of the suggestions and advice that are put forward really open my eyes and make me appreciate the amazingly vast array of personalities around here.
In the post above, for example, after reading it initially I thought to myself “Eff him love. He hurt you he deserved whatever it was you said to him”. After reading the responses, the whole write a letter but don’t send it thing has come up a few times. This is something that I would NEVER have thought of suggesting, but now, should one of my friends, my children or a family member come to me, this is possibly a piece of advice that I could offer if the situation suited.
My point is, just because stuff like this shits you, remember that some people may actually take something from it.
And if it opens my eyes, and broadens my way of thinking, then that can only be a good thing.
Gig, I am 44. I love this blog and I feel that my opinions are welcome here. Some days there’s stuff that I am just not interested in and some days there’s a whole lot of stuff that I can’t wait to weigh in on. I love the light and shade. Like Mia has said, if you don’t like it, pass on by. Please don’t make the rest of us feel bad for enjoying it. And please don’t presume to speak for anyone but yourself.
I have to agree that I find the Group Therapy posts to be a little bit Dolly Doctorish. I generally don’t read them. There does seem to be a lot of them lately.
Any publication, be it a blog, a newspaper, a magazine or a loo wall will contain some pieces I want to read and some I don’t. And that line will move according to my mood, how busy I am, or what is happening around me.
Most of the pieces Mia publishes will move me, intrigue me or make me giggle. Others don’t appeal. I’m not that interested in the frock watch, for instance – so I don’t read it. Skipping over a few links doesn’t lessen my enjoyment of the ones I do choose to read.
I understand Gig’s feelings tho, even if I don’t agree with her opinion. When you are involved with something wonderful, that you feel commitment to because you’ve been a part of it from the beginning, it can be difficult dealing with changes to it. Particularly if it’s the things you valued most that you think are changing. I hope you stick with us tho, your comments are always worth reading.
But, back on topic, Christine, when something you haven’t thought about for ages suddenly leaps to the forefront of your mind and wont leave, there is almost always something else going on. I don’t know if this will help, but we are usually so much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else, so try to imagine what you would say to a good friend who came to you with the same problem. It might help take the guilt and pressure away so you can see things more objectively.
I agree with you Gig. I’m a reasonably long term reader of this blog, but lately it seems to be appealing to me (and some of my friends) less and less.
Gig said: The content is trite, the substance is zero, and the readership above a certain age or IQ will be non-existent.
I especially agree with this Mia, I mean no offence but I get the sense you’re ‘phoning it in’ lately.
Jaime, actually on the contrary, I’m not ‘phoning it in’.
I’m working harder and longer on Mamamia than I ever have since it began.
Maybe it’s a bit like a duck. Seems to be gliding over the water but peddling like buggery under the surface.
Quack.
Perhaps I should qualify Mia. I can appreciate that you are working incredibly hard on mamamia.
You do have a higher volume of posts per day and you’ve quite cleverly built a community. For me though, it seems more about your commenters and contributers than it is Mia, and I’m more interested in you and your opinions than reading or being an online agony aunt.
Let sleeping dogs lie…for all you know you could build up the courage to do the right thing and apologise to him and he could shoot you down and turn nasty on you…and that would only make you feel worse. Forgive yourself…thats the most important thing you can do for yourself. Good luck, X
let sleeping dogs lie. Forgive yourself & move on. I 100% agree with Benita (funny, i always do…) you can’t rewind time & hindsight is 20/20. I think you may open up old wounds if you do contact him & maybe start something that’s hard to close.
You are a good person , he’d know that & I’m sure he doesn’t hold the scars the way you feel he might. forgive yourself xx
Oh God, he cheated on you love. You dont owe him anything. Forget about it and move on. I’m sure he made you cry and didnt give it a second thought….Besides, as someone else said, his divorce could have been the result of him cheating again. Once a cheat always a cheat.
Oh Christine! Doing regrettable stuff when you’re young is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it’s the law. Put it down to Experiences In Life, take a deep breath and move on. Don’t contact him. Let bygones be bygones and all that. Put it all into context: you did this when you were a teenager. You are now a wife and mother, and a mature adult. Don’t mix up the decisions you made as a much younger person with your much older conscience…you’ll only drive yourself mental.
The decision you made to let him have it was, in your mind, at that moment in time, the right thing to do. You can’t rewind time, and hindsight is always 20/20, so let it go and move on.
Best of luck to ya xxx
I think its something that should be left alone. It was a long time ago and you were both quite young. If it was alot more recent then, yes an apology would be needed but for 11years ago and to someone who is not in your life anymore than no i dont think one is needed.
But saying that,,, if you ever happen to see him again then and it comes up in conversation then say something, but to go out of yoru way to track him down and apologise is a bit weird.
Oh you cranky old bastard Giggy Pop!!
It sounds like something that should just be left alone. Your actions (however harsh they may seem to you in retrospect) probably did him a favour in the long run. It’s better than he knows that his actions were deeply hurtful to you, so IMO there’s nothing to keep worrying about. He’s probably learned from it and moved on. problem is, it sounds like you haven’t gotten over the hurt of the break-up and that you really want to get in touch with him. I’d be worried about the fact that you haven’t reached a place of acceptance after 11 years. It’s something that shouldn’t be weighing on your mind after so long. I’m sure he doesn’t even think about it.
just accept what you said and what was done and move on.
even if you wanted to contact him – you could give false hope.
I’m quite sure he has long got over it, so it’s probably best just put aside and forgotten about. He did the wrong thing. You responded. I’m sure, if he gave it any thought at all now (and my guess is, it’s doubtful he does – he has bigger problems with a young child to care for after a divorce), he would realise that you were just upset at the time.
Cest la vie.
If you really do think that your current life is wonderful and fantastic, then, stop thinking about him and get on with your life. You sound like you have a fantastic family now! Don’t be silly, and start thinking about matters that had occurred 11 years ago.
Sounds to me like you never got over him and you’re looking for an excuse to see him again to see if the old “spark”is still there.
Sorry Gig.
Could be a reaction to hearing he is divorced, and your subconscious may be saying ‘what if’. Have you talked to your husband about it? I think there is great advice here; leave it alone. (The unsent letter may be useful.)
and DO NOT write him a letter!!!
what are you trying to achieve by contacting him again? chances are, he has forgotten about it or it doesn’t bother him, and therefore his reaction to your undeserved apology will leave you feeling hollow…because while you have been stressing over something that happened 11 years ago, he clearly has had enough more recent dramas to deal with and may not have time to care right now.
i don’t recommend apologising at all, because he was the one who did something wrong.
plus, it was 11 years ago. yes high school are the formative years of your life, but clearly you’ve done more important things since then than to tell a cheating boyfriend what he did wrong.
leave it
Hi Christine, I would suggest that you write a letter and then burn it, certainly never say anything to him nor send it on, the letter can only be of benefit to you, no? If he is indeed a newly divorced man he could be pretty raw emotionally, perhaps you could be causing him more pain and dredging up things that he may have dealt with a long time ago.
Neither of you are the same person as you were in high school and my apologies if this sounds harsh but you writing to him even if to say you’re sorry could be seen by him as you rubbing his nose in your fabulous life (not that you would mean it that way but it could be construed (sp?) as such) while his life has gone to shit. Its not your fault its gone that way and I’m not saying it is. But hearing from you may not be all that welcome. If you run into him in a while and he seems ok then maybe you can brooch the subject but until that time I’d talk it over with your husband and then if you need to write a letter burnt it and get on with your life.
If you feel guilty its up to you to ’suck it up’ offloading how bad you feel can only add to the misery he is already in.
It was a long time ago and I’m sure he doesn’t care anymore (or even remember it!) but why not track him down anyway? See how he is and let him see you’re not a horrible person. At least you might feel better and might even recreate an old friendship
Accept that for one night, you were an absolute bitch, and let sleeping dogs lie.
We all say and do some things we later regret, once we have a bit of life experience and wisdom. Dont be too hard on yourself. You were hurt, you lashed out, and this then hurt him. I would hope he would understand that things were said in the heat of the moment, and under the influence of alcohol, and now it is water under the bridge. Your remorse is good enough, move on and focus on your own family now. Sometimes meddling in the past is not a good idea, especially when it comes to past relationships.
I had an ex do a major rant on me once, I didn’t cheat but I did move on quickly. In the break up I was honest and said that I didn’t see the r/ship going anywhere. We’d both known it for a while. He said some really hurtful things like he has nightmares about me and images of my face haunt him. That was a private conversation online and it still hurt. I’d really like an apology, maybe Ryan would too.
ohhh imagine if he was divorced because he cheated on his wife. would you think your actions were justified and take back your guilt?
Let it be.Everyone has done and said things that they later regret but what’s done is done.He hurt you and and you deservedly got very upset.Don’t beat yourself up over some old boyfriend-leave it in the past where it belongs and focus on the now.Good luck!
If its going to continue to consume you, track him down and talk it out. Either he’ll be upset or he won’t. If it’s going to stay as a ‘what if’ then you may as well doing something about it
I would also let it go, dont bring up the past. Guys very rarely would even still be thinking about that.
Interesting comment about guys from a girl.
Leave it in the past. You’re making yourself feel unnecessarily guilty. There are more important things to worry about in your present life.
We all make mistakes and wish we had done things differently. The point is you learn and move on.
My husband and I recently tried to make amends with people we each had a falling out with. We both wound up getting burnt and realised that we wasted energy on people and situations we should have learnt from and moved on.
I would also leave it alone. No one’s perfect, this is something I definitely wouldnt be revisiting
I say let it go, the apology will probably only serve one purpose, to ease your mind.
But you really have nothing to be feeling bad about – he cheated on you, he hurt you, you unleashed, he deserved it.
Chances are he got over it and will just think you’re a bit loopy if you contact him all these years later!
I think it’s so far in the past he is probably well and truly over it. He can’t have been completely into you in the first place if he completely betrayed you by cheating so I doubt you owe him anything.
Sounds like you need to get rid of it so maybe you should write him a detailed letter and never send it. Burn it and move on.
I vote for a letter with no return address.It has the advantage that you can take your time about exactly what you do (and don’t want to say, and you can get someone you trust to read it before you send it and check it communicates what you want it to say.
Do that — and then let go. you have to live up to your own standards, but he was also in the wrong.
Exactly, well said Lynne.
I think you should just get over it, I’m sure he never wants to see you again!
Chances are, this is hurting you more than it is hurting him… So, maybe what Karen says… Send a letter through the mail to him?
Um, am I missing something here? He cheated on you, you told him how you felt about it (and I’m sure the measure of viciousness with which you did it was nothing more than a barometer of how you felt at the time) and you feel bad for yelling at him? He looked so hurt because he realised for the first time how much he actually really hurt you.
I say leave it alone, but only if you can feel better about yourself that way. If you feel like you need to apologise so you can feel better, then I’m sure it wouldn’t be taken the wrong way for him. I called an old boyfriend once to apologise for things I did while in the relationship and he sounded truly happy to hear from me and grateful for the gesture of apology, even all those years later.
Good luck.
Christine, I think you need to ask yourself: “If a friend told me this story, what would I say to her?” Chances are, you would support your friend and be sympathetic. I think you are being too hard on yourself!! This man was your first love and you had a substantial, 3 year relationship with him. You were obviously so hurt, despite trying again for a few months with him, that you were unable to continue the relationship after he cheated. When someone hurts you unfathomably like this, it is natural and understandable to carry anger, resentment and distrust around. Personally, having carried around that hurt for so long, and then seeing my ex, I would have let fly too, especially after a few drinks! The fact that HE looked “hurt” annoyed me somewhat, as for every action there is a reaction, and obviously he had consequences to face. HE is not the victim here. And you dont have to be either! Put the experience down to a therapeutic, cathartic expression, realise that we all do things we regret and move on. He does not need an apology. If anything, you probably did him a favour, what a wake up call!
Although you may feel like you were a bitch that night and we don’t know exactly what you said, I don’t feel like you should apologise. In my opinion cheating is an unforgivable thing no matter what the excuse and most cheaters deserve whatever they get. This is purely my opinion and I do not expect anyone to agree. Each to their own!
But if it is really eating away at you and you genuinely think you would feel better about yourself to apologise then there is no question you should xx
IMO he was the one that cheated, you had a right to be mad/upset/crazy and he kind of had it coming. How did you feel when he cheated on you? I bet not rosy. I think he would have understood you were upset because of what he did to you. If you want a friendship with him now it’s a different story, but I say let sleeping dogs (or exes) lie.
Christine* Its in the past and even though you feel guilty I wouldn’t open up that can of worms.
Now that your Married I would certainly discuss this with your Husband, if you go behind his back he might think its a bigger issue than it needs to be, he might accuse you of having an affair with your ex.
If I was in this situation I would probably find out where he lived and send a letter to apologise throught he post (with no return address) that way he knows you have apologised but there’s no need for him to respond. You should have a clear conscience.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and be upfront with your husband about it.
Let sleeping dogs lie. We’ve all done something like that, which makes us feel entirely guilty. Let it go. He probably thinks no more of it.
I say Apologise