Comments on: What to do on a due date that never came….

By: Anon

Anon — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 08:46:59 +0000

Ashlee I’m commenting very late on this, so don’t know if you’ll see it and perhaps others have already said this (I don’t have time to read all the comments). I’ve been through losing a baby (miscarriage) and found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was so upset and my husband was so unsupportive saying that it must not have been a viable baby anyway. I still think about that baby that might have been, on its due date and loss date, even though I have a child now. I think no matter how you ‘lose’ your baby it is a loss that needs to be grieved. And unfortunately guys just don’t have that same physical or emotional connection with a foetus. The start of a pregnancy triggers a flurry of hormones in women, but men feel nothing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that at first I was annoyed at my husband because he wasn’t grieving the loss like I was but I’ve since realised that they don’t have any connection so there is no loss for them and hence don’t even think about how us women may be feeling without us telling them. xx

By: Anna

Anna — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:41:30 +0000

It makes me so mad when people (Especially males) condemn those who have abortions and say that they’re taking “the easy way out”. having had two close friends go through it, I know it is far from the “easy option”, there is no such option in unplanned/unwanted pregnancy and they’re so ignorant for suggesting otherwise.

By: Emma Lou

Emma Lou — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 03:55:51 +0000

Ashlee, I feel for you but in my experience it does get a bit easier. I was in a different situation where I was dating a guy, only for a month or so, and I fell pregnant the FIRST TIME I had sex. I broke it off with him before I found out that I was pregnant. He was from Nigeria (only say that as their culture treats women very differently to here), thought it was completely normal to date many women at one time and quite proud of it, and had VERY different values to me. I was just finishing Uni, living with my parents and did not want to have any ties with him at all. I decided the best decision was to have a termination (I did not tell him I was pregnant) and I am very OK with that decision. Having said that, my sister had a baby within a few months of when I would have been due and I do often think about the baby…would it have been a boy or girl, they would be 10 years old this year the same as my niece. I think about what could have been every week or so….but not with regret, but at how different my life would be now.

I agree with the comments below that your boyfriend just doesn’t see the big deal. Doesn’t make it wrong, just different to you. I wish you luck xox

By: Guest

Guest — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:34:24 +0000

A believe that ‘procedure she speaks o’f is called an abortion.

By: Guest

Guest — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:33:24 +0000

It makes me feel sick to read about all the children you *would* have had – utterly sick.

By: Amzz

Amzz — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:00:25 +0000

Im fairly certain that the word ‘abortion’ is banned on American tv/movies – even in Knocked Up, the word abortion isnt mentioned, the phrase ‘take care of it’ is, I think.

I had a termination (termination is medical term) at 18. I had just started Uni and one night, I thought I’d be right and thought I was further on in my period, which obviously I wasnt. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years, but werent living together and had semi serious plans for marriage.

I knew I was pregnant when I was only days late – just a gut feeling. I was devastated – I grew up reading Dolly and reading articles on teen pregnancies, thinking how they could be so stupid and I was naive in thinking it wouldnt happen to me because I was smarter than that.

My boyfriend said he didnt want to keep the baby and I felt somewhat pressured to do so, even though in my heart, I knew it wasnt a good time. Three months later, it was over between us and I somehow knew that the termination was what broke us.

Years later, I met my current fiance and was introduced to his nephew, who was 2 at the time and would have been only months older than my baby. My fiance’s brother also married a lovely girl who has a daughter the same age as his nephew. So there is a little part of me that feels like my baby has been replaced by these two wonderful children.

I dont regret my decision because ultimately my life took a different track, but I often wonder what path my life would have taken if I had made a different decision – I would have been sending my son or daughter to school next year….May still have been single now…Wouldnt have met my fiance….

By: Alison

Alison — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 01:01:06 +0000

Thanks for your comments, Anon. You are right to be concerned about the issue of bias potentially intruding into the counselling room. Open Doors is rigorous in its screening, training and supervision of counsellors for just that reason. All of us have our own views and beliefs on issues. A properly trained counsellor or therapist is capable of putting those aside and being present to the client’s needs and feelings. That is their role.

If you are truly concerned about “bias” though, think about this – how can an abortion clinic with a financial interest in the procedures it provides and links to political activity about this issue, offer independent unbiased counselling? I don’t believe it’s a match. Many of our clients report being put under considerable pressure by abortion clinic staff to ‘just get rid of it because you can’t cope’ – this is not counselling. Neither is it counselling to tell a women she will be murdering her child if she has an abortion. Neither approach meets her needs at the time or seeks to help her understand what is happening in her life.

All pregnancy counselling should be completely independent of abortion provision, referral and politics. Only then can the woman make her decision free from prevailing pressure and in tune with her own real desires.

By: LaBelle

LaBelle — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:42:57 +0000

I think Kerri’s “muffled by a metaphor” post is timely when related to this. I found it disconcerting reading this and no where was the word abortion (or even termination) used. It suprised me to read it the first time “…I had booked my procedure for later that week…” and it sort of weirded me out the more it was used throughout the article.

I’m not directing this at Ashlee* in particular. If she deliberately didn’t use the word abortion then maybe she finds it upsetting, and that is cool. I wouldn’t expect her to use it for the sake of directness if it is upsetting.

But I hear this all the time. On tv they won’t even say “procedure”, they say “I’m not going to keep the baby”. Is the underuse of the word stigmatising abortion more? I feel so. The word has been captured by pro-life campaigners and certain christians and demonised. Apparently abortion goes hand in hand with ‘baby killers’. But I think by making the word abortion a taboo, it is confirming to these groups that it’s true. That it is so evil we won’t even say the word. That even people who condone and have abortions find the word (and therefore the procedure) confronting.

I think that’s why my experience of abortion suprised me. I think as a society, even though we accept it, it’s expected to be sordid. I found however, that my experience was largely like any other medical procedure. Carried out by in a clean, brightly lit small hospital by a wonderful, professional, personable female doctor. Surrounded by friendly, helpful nurses. I also felt no connection to the embryo and no guilt after. I wondered a tiny bit about gender/appearance etc but I think mainly that was because I felt that I SHOULD. I think maybe the fact I have a clear, well defined ethical stand point on the issue helped. I didn’t ever question whether it was ‘right’.

I know not everyone’s experience is like this. Of course Ashlee’s isn’t. I feel for you, Ashlee*, that it is causing you hurt. I feel bereft that I can’t offer advice- because I don’t really know how I came out of it feeling this way.

But I do think that as a society we risk making this more guilt ridden than it has to be by not being able to use it’s name. Abortion.

Good luck Ashlee*.

By: Krissy

Krissy — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:27:25 +0000

I can’t imagine what you must have gone through…. my heart goes out to you….

By: Kris2040

Kris2040 — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:37:26 +0000

I had a feeling I was preggers with the current bloke – test came up positive as the urine soaked down the window bit! I freaked out and told my bestie, who rang straight away. I probably would have told him if it held, but it didn’t. I wasn’t particularly sad about it not holding (it was only like 2 or 3 weeks), but I still haven’t told him about it. I got a “period” about a week later, which was not normal. I ended up getting an ultrasound but it had aborted itself. Clearly a smart kid! LOL