What to do on a due date that never came….
Ashlee* writes…
“In July of last year after feeling a bit off for a few days and my period being late I discovered I was 11 weeks pregnant. (I had actually had my period 6 weeks earlier so don’t ask me what happened there).
I’d been on the pill for 7 years and had never skipped it once so discovering I was pregnant came as a huge shock to me and as I was almost 12 weeks my boyfriend and I had to make a fairly quick decision on what to do. Although we had been together 4 years and have talked about having children together I knew it wasn’t the right time for me. We were both only 22, had just moved to Australia and started (badly paying) entry level jobs. We literally had no friends or family here for support and little savings, so within a day and without really discussing the situation I had booked my procedure for later that week. My boyfriend was extremely supportive throughout the week and on the day of the procedure but since then has never brought it up.
I was obviously upset after the procedure but I thought I was handling everything well considering and I knew that I have made the right decision. But, tomorrow is what would have been the due date. For the last month I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I brought it up with my boyfriend last week and told him that it was constantly on my mind and that I was annoyed he hasn’t made sure I am okay. I was not even sure he knew when the due date was. He completely couldn’t understand where I was coming from and kept saying things such as ‘I’m sorry I guess it never crossed my mind that you would have wanted to keep it. We’re so young and have so much we want to do and as it is we can barely afford the rent etc. etc.’ I got so frustrated with him!
I do know that we made the right decision but I wish he had been more supportive after it happened. I wonder how he isn’t the tiniest bit upset about it (I asked him)? Does he not think that under different circumstances he could have been a father now? Or think about what sex the baby might have been? Or what it would have looked like? Or feel a pang of guilt when two friends of friends have recently lost babies?
Has anyone else had a similar experience or can you understand where I am coming from and just as importantly, where my boyfriend is coming from?”
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Ashlee I’m commenting very late on this, so don’t know if you’ll see it and perhaps others have already said this (I don’t have time to read all the comments). I’ve been through losing a baby (miscarriage) and found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was so upset and my husband was so unsupportive saying that it must not have been a viable baby anyway. I still think about that baby that might have been, on its due date and loss date, even though I have a child now. I think no matter how you ‘lose’ your baby it is a loss that needs to be grieved. And unfortunately guys just don’t have that same physical or emotional connection with a foetus. The start of a pregnancy triggers a flurry of hormones in women, but men feel nothing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that at first I was annoyed at my husband because he wasn’t grieving the loss like I was but I’ve since realised that they don’t have any connection so there is no loss for them and hence don’t even think about how us women may be feeling without us telling them. xx
It makes me so mad when people (Especially males) condemn those who have abortions and say that they’re taking “the easy way out”. having had two close friends go through it, I know it is far from the “easy option”, there is no such option in unplanned/unwanted pregnancy and they’re so ignorant for suggesting otherwise.
Ashlee, I feel for you but in my experience it does get a bit easier. I was in a different situation where I was dating a guy, only for a month or so, and I fell pregnant the FIRST TIME I had sex. I broke it off with him before I found out that I was pregnant. He was from Nigeria (only say that as their culture treats women very differently to here), thought it was completely normal to date many women at one time and quite proud of it, and had VERY different values to me. I was just finishing Uni, living with my parents and did not want to have any ties with him at all. I decided the best decision was to have a termination (I did not tell him I was pregnant) and I am very OK with that decision. Having said that, my sister had a baby within a few months of when I would have been due and I do often think about the baby…would it have been a boy or girl, they would be 10 years old this year the same as my niece. I think about what could have been every week or so….but not with regret, but at how different my life would be now.
I agree with the comments below that your boyfriend just doesn’t see the big deal. Doesn’t make it wrong, just different to you. I wish you luck xox
A believe that ‘procedure she speaks o’f is called an abortion.
It makes me feel sick to read about all the children you *would* have had – utterly sick.
Im fairly certain that the word ‘abortion’ is banned on American tv/movies – even in Knocked Up, the word abortion isnt mentioned, the phrase ‘take care of it’ is, I think.
I had a termination (termination is medical term) at 18. I had just started Uni and one night, I thought I’d be right and thought I was further on in my period, which obviously I wasnt. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years, but werent living together and had semi serious plans for marriage.
I knew I was pregnant when I was only days late – just a gut feeling. I was devastated – I grew up reading Dolly and reading articles on teen pregnancies, thinking how they could be so stupid and I was naive in thinking it wouldnt happen to me because I was smarter than that.
My boyfriend said he didnt want to keep the baby and I felt somewhat pressured to do so, even though in my heart, I knew it wasnt a good time. Three months later, it was over between us and I somehow knew that the termination was what broke us.
Years later, I met my current fiance and was introduced to his nephew, who was 2 at the time and would have been only months older than my baby. My fiance’s brother also married a lovely girl who has a daughter the same age as his nephew. So there is a little part of me that feels like my baby has been replaced by these two wonderful children.
I dont regret my decision because ultimately my life took a different track, but I often wonder what path my life would have taken if I had made a different decision – I would have been sending my son or daughter to school next year….May still have been single now…Wouldnt have met my fiance….
Thanks for your comments, Anon. You are right to be concerned about the issue of bias potentially intruding into the counselling room. Open Doors is rigorous in its screening, training and supervision of counsellors for just that reason. All of us have our own views and beliefs on issues. A properly trained counsellor or therapist is capable of putting those aside and being present to the client’s needs and feelings. That is their role.
If you are truly concerned about “bias” though, think about this – how can an abortion clinic with a financial interest in the procedures it provides and links to political activity about this issue, offer independent unbiased counselling? I don’t believe it’s a match. Many of our clients report being put under considerable pressure by abortion clinic staff to ‘just get rid of it because you can’t cope’ – this is not counselling. Neither is it counselling to tell a women she will be murdering her child if she has an abortion. Neither approach meets her needs at the time or seeks to help her understand what is happening in her life.
All pregnancy counselling should be completely independent of abortion provision, referral and politics. Only then can the woman make her decision free from prevailing pressure and in tune with her own real desires.
I think Kerri’s “muffled by a metaphor” post is timely when related to this. I found it disconcerting reading this and no where was the word abortion (or even termination) used. It suprised me to read it the first time “…I had booked my procedure for later that week…” and it sort of weirded me out the more it was used throughout the article.
I’m not directing this at Ashlee* in particular. If she deliberately didn’t use the word abortion then maybe she finds it upsetting, and that is cool. I wouldn’t expect her to use it for the sake of directness if it is upsetting.
But I hear this all the time. On tv they won’t even say “procedure”, they say “I’m not going to keep the baby”. Is the underuse of the word stigmatising abortion more? I feel so. The word has been captured by pro-life campaigners and certain christians and demonised. Apparently abortion goes hand in hand with ‘baby killers’. But I think by making the word abortion a taboo, it is confirming to these groups that it’s true. That it is so evil we won’t even say the word. That even people who condone and have abortions find the word (and therefore the procedure) confronting.
I think that’s why my experience of abortion suprised me. I think as a society, even though we accept it, it’s expected to be sordid. I found however, that my experience was largely like any other medical procedure. Carried out by in a clean, brightly lit small hospital by a wonderful, professional, personable female doctor. Surrounded by friendly, helpful nurses. I also felt no connection to the embryo and no guilt after. I wondered a tiny bit about gender/appearance etc but I think mainly that was because I felt that I SHOULD. I think maybe the fact I have a clear, well defined ethical stand point on the issue helped. I didn’t ever question whether it was ‘right’.
I know not everyone’s experience is like this. Of course Ashlee’s isn’t. I feel for you, Ashlee*, that it is causing you hurt. I feel bereft that I can’t offer advice- because I don’t really know how I came out of it feeling this way.
But I do think that as a society we risk making this more guilt ridden than it has to be by not being able to use it’s name. Abortion.
Good luck Ashlee*.
I can’t imagine what you must have gone through…. my heart goes out to you….
I had a feeling I was preggers with the current bloke – test came up positive as the urine soaked down the window bit! I freaked out and told my bestie, who rang straight away. I probably would have told him if it held, but it didn’t. I wasn’t particularly sad about it not holding (it was only like 2 or 3 weeks), but I still haven’t told him about it. I got a “period” about a week later, which was not normal. I ended up getting an ultrasound but it had aborted itself. Clearly a smart kid! LOL
Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone there. Christian Guest, obviously I need to be more enlightened about how a Christian such as yourself views abortion. Having been brought up in a Catholic household there was no question about abortion being a sin (and at school we watched THAT movie to prove it). I don’t think my comment suggested I believed Open Doors would treat a woman ‘with condemnation’, I just think one should be wary about a Christian organisation counselling about abortion.
And how can offering up a fresh way of looking at her situation be ‘unfair’ to Ashlee? I don’t get? I didn’t think I was ‘telling’ anyone to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this commenting was all about! Ashlee apologies to you if you felt this was out of line at all – like everyone here, I honestly was just trying to offer some help
Same, L. The guy I was preggers to was older, had been married young, divorced by 30. But it would have been a nightmare if I had had the baby, and I doubt he would have had much interest in it, to be honest. I did tell him afterwards, but I was on miscarriage watch until the procedure anyway. That helped soften the blow, I think. We stayed friends for years after too. He is still single, and so am I. All good.
No, it was an abortion, Savannah. My doc wanted to tell Mum because she seriously thought I was going to need a trip to the hospital for a curette that night because of the bleeding. I had to have an ultrasound a couple of days later, and apparently it all looked OK. I look at it though, as I lost enough blood in those couple of days and from the abortion procedure to be anaemic, everything certainly wasn’t OK. And it was still my decision to book it and have it done.
Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone there…Religion confuses the hell out of me. Obviously different Christians believe in different things. Again, sorry if I offended. I still stand by my opinion that one should be wary about a Christian organisation counselling about abortion.
Nico, I was suggesting a fresh perspective. I didn’t think I was ‘telling’ anyone to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this commenting was all about! Ashlee apologies to you if you felt I was being ‘unfair’ at all, like everyone here, I honestly was trying to offer some help
Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone there…Religion confuses the hell out of me. Obviously different Christians believe in different things. Again, sorry if I offended. I still stand by my opinion that one should be wary about a Christian organisation counselling about abortion.
Nico, I don’t see how ‘I am not being fair’ to Ashlee by suggesting a different persective. I don’t think I was trying to ‘tell her’ to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this was all about!
I know exactly what you are going through. My HUSBAND is the same as your boyfriend.
A few years ago I fell pregnant with what would have been my 4th child. At that time I had twin 6 year olds and a 7 month old baby (all girls). I would have happily had another child, but my husabnd just didn’t want a 4th child. I didn’t want to have another baby if my husband didn’t want another child because I believe it would have been too much of a burden on our relationship (I didn’t ever want him to ever resent the child or me). So we decided on having an abortion. Whilst I was waiting to have the procedure done, a lady that I knew down at my girls school announced she was having her 4th child. It was due in the same week as our baby would have been due.
It was really hard watching this lady grow bigger as the time went on, and to see her with her new baby nine months on was really painful. I told my husband about her and it really didn’t bother him at all. He told me that he hasn’t thought about it, and he was glad that we made the decision that we did.
When I see the woman’s child, I straight away think of the child that would have been. Would he have been a boy? Would my baby have been the final peice of the puzzle in our family? If I had that child, would my yearning for another child end?
I don’t see the woman any more, and a few years have passed, but I will never stop thinking about the child that I didn’t have.
Wow such great supportive advice here from Mama Mia readers to this dilemma. I have never been through this personally, but from the surface it seems that your partner has a different coping style to you or maybe his grieving process is in a different phase or his grieving process was brief or he is not mature enough to give you the support- I would not take it too personally. However if it keeps bothering you – talk to him in a non-threatening way about how you are feeling – that the due date is stirring up feelings in you (which is totally normal – you are probably still going through the grieving process), but don’t demand that he feel the same way as you as this will put him on the defensive. Everyone is different with their emotions and how they demonstrate them. Maybe even say that all you want is to be heard and hugged maybe – he doesn’t have to say anything.
If you still find you are not getting the emotional support you need from your boyfriend then turn to a friend or relative or even go to a counsellor (ask GP to refer you to one). It sounds like you really need talk to someone about this and be heard – which is totally normal – it might just be your boyfriend is not ready or mature enough (he is only 22) to give you the emotional support you need at the moment.
Ashlee* I think he’s not as connected to the baby as you are/were because it wasn’t in his body, and he didn’t have the procedure done to him or probably even watch it being done. Men seem to be able to compartmentalise their lives really well. Unlike me, for example. So he has NO CLUE.
When I need certain types of emotional support and understanding I turn to certain people in my life over others to help me get the healing I need or make sense of a situation. I choose my husband for other types of emotional support, the types I know he can give me. Like I wouldn’t take my husband to see a chick movie, I would take a girlfriend. But I don’t hold it against my husband that he doesn’t like chick movies, I just accept that he’s not the person to help me through the experience. It’s a shame that your partner isn’t able to help you process all of this emotionally – there will be other people out there who can help you – but try not to resent or switch off from your partner because he isn’t able to provide what you need 100% of the time.
Love & hugs xxxxxx
The open doors organisation posed above has a non-denominational service for you to attend where you write messages of love for your baby. Not just for abortions but miscarriages and ivf and stillborn. It’s in melbourne.
Apology and remembrance. 2 very different things, but joined together in the circumstances. Beautiful.
I have been in your position where me (and my now) ex-partner chose to have an abortion. “Luckily” however I got an illness several months later which would have meant the baby may not have survived anyway, so guilt doesn’t bear on my mind. Although sometimes I wonder if the illness was karma…. Every now and then I think about how old the child would be and I remember on the due date thinking that technically I should have been a mother, but I never experienced any real emotion over it. It was just a realisation that came as quick as it went. I guess everyone is different. You will get through this… you just need to give it time and reiterate to yourself the reasons why you didn’t continue the pregnancy…
I don’t mean to be blunt, but its difficult for men to understand that sensation of being pregnant and that connection. He sees it as being something that you both agreed was the right thing to do and he probably expected you to grieve at the time, but didn’t realise the due date would be significant. Every person is different and you can’t expect him to read your mind and respond, he’s not psychic so you definitely have unrealistic expectations of him. Instead talk to him in a calm and open manner and he’ll understand and support you.
There is the I’m not Sorry website…I don’t know about books, but that at least is a start.
There was a similiar topic recently. Perhaps it was about miscarriage? I believe that if you feel your decision was right, then it was. I lost a pregnancy several years ago, and I still think of that baby at Mother’s Day (when I lost it) and at its due date. Time does heal. I went on to have a healthy pregnancy, and although I’m not religious, I do believe that perhaps I got the spirit of my lost baby back with this one. (And boy, does she have spirit!!)
Children are special and you really need to have them when you are at your best to do the best for them.
Some other bloggers have mentioned counselling, yet really, that’s what this blog is. Make the most of it.
I never brought up my lost pregnancy with my husband in the months afterwards, because as another blogger mentioned, they are just not in the same head-space. I wish you well.
I think maybe because it was not his body he doesn’t have the same level of feeling about it – at least not to the due date. My partner couldn’t have been less interested in what was happening with our baby when I was pregnant. Don’t think he came to a single Drs appointment and was slightly miffed that he would miss a night with the boys when he had to take me to hospital in labour. Others however have been know to read every book and plot progress. Partner is now a wonderful father now and is very involved but until he got to hold her and even then until she became much more engaging he just didn’t have much to say on the issue. One friend says of himself that he was barely interested til the child was 18 months!. Having had a termination, I do feel for you. Hang in there and do try to get him to talk about it but recognise he might not have any thoughts on it until you eventually do have a child together.
I’ve been in the same situation and I can honestly say I have never felt one pang of guilt. I couldn’t remember when the procedure occurred let alone what the due date would have been. I guess for me it feels like I made the right decision and I have never doubted that. However my boyfriend at the time was every emotional about the whoe situation, even claiming that if I REALLY loved him I would have kept it. We eventually broke up and he didn’t waste another moment, he had a baby with another girl about 12 months later. That was about 8 years ago but I’ve always felt at ease with my choice.
I can absolutely understand where you are both coming from.
I’d be inclined to think that he’s a bloke and blokes aren’t programmed to feel that way. It is totally different when you are the one who was actually physically carrying your baby. Seriously, as a guy he would have absolutely no idea. His thought process would have been “we didn’t want to go ahead with it, you had a procedure, and now that it’s over we continue on with our lives.” It wouldn’t even have been because he didn’t care. They just don’t think that way. Sure, I’m generalising. Of course there are guys out there who would have been more attentive to your thoughts and feelings after your experience. But on the whole, guys do not. think. that. way. By the sounds of it he was pretty supportive, allowing you to make the decision with no pressure. But you need to remember that guys (in general) just don’t understand all the emotional side of things. He wouldn’t have known to ask you about it after. He would have assumed that you were ok. Of course, he shouldn’t have assumed anything, he should have kept asking you. But we think that because we’re females and that’s what we do and how we think. Generally, if you get sick and then get “better” guys don’t ask how we’re feeling down the track.
I found myself in a similar situation at your age too. 22, with my boyfriend for 2 years, on the pill religiously, hadn’t skipped a day or been sick, even had a period not long before it (which would have been implantation bleeding judging by the timing of yours) and BAM I found out I was pregnant. Not going through with it was of course an option, but in the end it was one we didn’t choose. We chose to have the baby, and now he is 4 and we are married. But had we decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy (and like your boyfriend mine was very supportive with whatever decision I made) I would have been like you, my thoughts constantly on the baby, being a parent, what the sex would have been, its name, and how life would have been different. And I, like you, would have been shattered wondering why my boyfriend had never brought it up again, wondering if he wondered the same things I did. Now I can say it’s because he’s a guy and they don’t think like that because I’m not emotionally involved in your situation. But if I were you I too would be confused and let down. But you needn’t be. Your boyfriend would not have known you needed more emotional support after. For a very brief moment you were carrying a child and connected emotionally with it. It will always remain with you. Your boyfriend was a bystander to this, and so he would not in any way feel the same way you do. He wasn’t fully part of the situation like you were, but detached from it, watching from the sidelines. Men are so frustrating sometimes, that they don’t think the way we do. Actually, it’s not men that are frustrating because they don’t think that way, but it is frustrating that we don’t understand them and vice versa. But seriously, as generalised as it sounds, that’s probably all it is. Try telling him this, that you feel this way. He may not understand, but at least you can make him aware of it.
Ashlee, I’m sorry you’re feeling upset. I think its very true what someone posted below about men beocming fathers when they first hold their child – he probably doesn’t think about it in the same way you do – he probably feels quite detached, really (this is not uncommon amongst men whose partners have terminated or lost pregnancies). He wants to be supportive of you now you’ve raised your feelings, even if he can’t understand where you are coming from, which shows he is trying. I liek Nico’s idea of a farewell ceremony, to acknlowedge your feelings and begin to move on. Thinking of you, all the best xxx
It’s pretty common for stress to affect womens cycles. Maybe that’s the reason they’re late?
Well said
Wow! This is such a hard topic. I congratulate you for opening it up to discussion. It can be a very hard thing to talk about as people have such strong feelings on the topic. Your feelings of guilt and wondering resonate completely with me. I have 3 children, number 2 and 3 are twins. My husband and I accidentally fell pregnant when my twins were 4 years old. I was so scared of having another set of twins, though they are beautiful, the work with a 3 year old as well was full on. We terminated after making a very quick decision. It wasn’t twins. I was a mess for a few years and though my husband would discuss it with me, he just didn’t get it. He even said once, It’s weird how you think about it all the time and I barely ever give it a thought. It is so different for a female. I ended up seeking counselling as I began to think the guilt of our hurried decision would ruin my life. It helped a lot. I still think about it 6 years on but not everyday. Please know that you and your feelings are not alone.
This must be so hard for you. poor thing. I think what you are feeling is normal though. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk about your feelings?
Oh sweets! I can only imagine how hard it would be for you on your ‘due date’ this year and years to come – even though you made the right decision for you at the time it is still painful – hope your bf can understand that the issue isn’t that you think you made the wrong decision at the time – but that you gave up a baby that will foreve be in your heart xx
Ashlee, I think your feelings are totally normal. I also think that your boyfriend’s are too. Why? Because I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to feel about this. You’ve been through something big and I really hope that you are able to begin to understand your thoughts and feelings and communicate them to your boyfriend, and that he will have the compassion to acknowledge them as real and valuable. As regards his feelings, I feel a bit annoyed at his lack of support too but suspect that he either doesn’t want to or know how to deal with it? Men have an uncanny ability to lock big emotional things away and lose the key in a way that women are unable to.
Someone below has mentioned the book “Giving Sorrow Words” which I wouldn’t necessarily recommend you read but which confirms that feeling regret or sorrow or guilt or confusion after abortion is quite common. A lot of women are hit unexpectedly by the emotion of significant dates, particularly the baby’s due date, the day the child would have started school etc. Some also tell stories of constantly noticing children who would be around the same age as the child they lost.
Anyway, I say this because I think it’s really important to be able to deal with these feelings, because they don’t necessarily go away if you ignore them. Some women have said that giving the baby a name or having a little ceremony (even just buying a flower or some little token) was very helpful in allowing them to acknowledge what had happened and to be able to move on. Maybe your boyfriend or a friend would be able to do it with you? There are also organisations who provide post-abortion counselling if you thought you were up for something like that.
I hope you can get the closure and support you need. Thinking of you today. xo
Guest, I think the point of MTR’s work is that the women who have had abortions and are fine with it aren’t carrying a burden that can be eased by having their stories told and their experiences acknowledged. They don’t need a book to give their sorrow words. But in our society, if you have an abortion you either keep quiet about it or you treat it like it was no big deal; it’s completely taboo to speak of regret or guilt or grief. I think this is one reason Ashlee is so confused…
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With all due respect, Anon, nobody is neutral when it comes to this one. Open Doors provide a much-needed place for people to seek healing for a very taboo grief… and I doubt their work would be particularly successful if the women who approached them were treated with condemnation.
And I don’t think you’re being particularly fair to Ashlee by telling her to focus on potential positives. Everybody deals with abortion differently and she is obviously not able to move on with her life quite as easily as you were… I think it’s important for Ashlee to have her feelings heard and acknowledged (exactly what her boyfriend isn’t doing). Ashlee – it’s normal to feel how you do. I’ll post properly elsewhere. Hugs.
Not all Christian’s would “consider abortion a sin” as you put it. Please don’t make generalisations like this.
It is certainly not impossible for the organisation to help women deal with abortion without prejudice.
The mission statement also includes this:
“There is no place in counselling service provision at OPEN DOORS for spiritual or religious aspects to be introduced by the counsellor/therapist. Doing this may result in the client feeling unaccepted, judged and intruded upon and may be interpreted as evangelization.”
and also that they are “committed to providing a safe, independent and unpressured environment in which free choice may be determined”
This story is extremely similar to what happened to me when I was 21. I am now married to the man who was my boyfriend at the time, and we are now trying for a baby, 7 years on. Over time, it does get easier, I promise, but the first 12 months after the procedure are really tough and like other people have suggested, counselling is highly reccommended. My husband, then boyfriend, never said he wanted to keep it and never knew I wanted him to at least ask the question, until he read my diary 6 months after it all happened and he was distraught that I felt the way I did and hadn’t said anything to him. The thing is, at the time, I couldn’t. However we are now at a time in our lives where we talk about it freely and about what could’ve been. You’ll get through this, but don’t be afraid to lean on someone for support. The way you are feeling is completely normal and justified. Sending you a big hug!
???? This sounds like you had a miscarriage & curette! NOT the same as an abortion!
I’m reminded of the old saying that a woman becomes a mother once she finds out she’s pregnant, while a man becomes a father the day the baby is born… perhaps he never really understood/accepted the pregnancy and as a result of that doesn’t share the same pangs and feelings that you have. therapy would help you understand what’s at the core of your feelings and lead to better understanding of your partner’s perspective…
My advice to anyone who has been in your situation with an unplanned pregnancy, ‘you will have regrets either way’. Working through your feelings with a professional will not only allow you to express your feelings, they will be able to point you in the right direction to find the resources needed to deal with the complex situtation you have found yourself in. My suggestion is for a first step is call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Ashlee, your story really rang true with me as it’s very similar to my own experience. My (now) husband and I were together for about 5 years when we found out I was pregnant. He was on an apprenticeship and I was starting a new business and we both thought it was not the right time so we had a termination. In the days before the termination I remember feeling that I wanted to keep the baby but for some reason I didn’t talk up and I went through with it.
Now we are married, have two children and I will never feel at ease with my decision to give up that first baby. Although my husb and I rarely talk about it, I feel deep down that this has probably affected me more. I think that in alot of ways men and women process these situations differently – especially as the woman was carrying the baby and had to go through with the procedure. I think sometimes the man in the situation might just think that you came to that decision together and that dwelling on it will not help the situation.
I think counselling is a good idea, as I think your need to have him talk with you about the situation may be coming from a need on your part to have closure. While it is great that woman have the choice (and despite my own experiences of regret I will probably still always be pro-choice) we are also expected to move on emotionally from having a termination because it was our choice. I think in a lot of ways this is the hardest part.
Ashlee, I think you are very brave and I really respect you for being so open about a very difficult experience.
I definitely think you should seek counselling, it will help you to understand the emotions that you are going through. It may assist if your boyfriend is willing to go along with you – it will help both of you understand where you are at. I don’t know if you have access to Medicare, but if you see a GP, they can assist you in getting onto a program where you can claim you trips to the counsellor on Medicare.
I’m probably reiterating what others have said here, but when I have spoken to my husband (who is a kind and intelligent person) about abortion his reaction is very unemotional. To him an early pregnancy is a bunch of cells and he doesn’t see any difference between an early abortion and a women menstruating (he obviously doesn’t have a medical degree). I have never had an abortion but I am fairly certain that if we were ever in that position there would be conflict between me and my husband. That fact is that it is not his body.
Allison, it sounds like your heart is in the right place and on superficial perusal of the website, Open Doors does indeed look like it is only interested in helping women deal with abortion without any prejudice…however I have to agree with ‘Guest’ and say this is IMPOSSIBLE considering it is a Christian based organisation.I think the below quoted directly from the mission statement illustrates this…
“Staff and volunteers share a common belief that the welfare of both mother and child are inextricably linked from conception, and that the disruption of the maternal response by abortion is currently not being addressed by the community at large.”
I’m all for counselling Ashlee but I would go to someone who is going to help without the bias of their religion (in this case Christian which considers abortion a sin)
I had an abortion 12 years ago. It was an easy decision at the time and all I felt was relief. Actually I did feel something more than relief…it was ‘wow! I guess this means everything works, I can make a baby’….
I can remember I was aware of the due date but I can’t remember how I handled it which to me means I was fine. I remember I was very busy with uni and having fun. Sometimes I forget I had that first pregnancy. Other times i spin myself out thinking I would have a 13 year old big brother or sister to my two little boys…or most likely my boys wouldn’t exist because most likely I wouldn’t have ended up with their dad!
Hmmm, maybe I have stumbled onto a strategy to deal with your due date there. It’s in all likelihood that any future children you and your partner have may not exist if you had gone ahead with this pregnancy. To me it sounds like you absolutely made the right decision for yourselves at this time. You are so young and it sounds like you want to make something of yourselves before you start a family. Focus on this and all the best to you!
Mere_Male, great comment. A lot of the comments here are ‘guys don’t really care/think about it/understand’ but I think if honest we do, it just doesn’t hit us in the same way or with the same timing as the woman in our lives. Makes for difficult, crazy days.
Allison, it sounds like your heart is in the right place and on superficial perusal of the website, Open Doors does indeed look like it is only interested in helping women deal with abortion without any prejudice…however I have to agree with ‘Guest’ and say this is IMPOSSIBLE considering it is a Christian based organisation.I think the below quoted directly from the mission statement illustrates this…
“Staff and volunteers share a common belief that the welfare of both mother and child are inextricably linked from conception, and that the disruption of the maternal response by abortion is currently not being addressed by the community at large.”
I’m all for counselling Ashlee but I would go to someone who is going to help without the bias of their religion in this case Christian which considers abortion a sin)
I had an abortion 12 years ago. It was an easy decision at the time and all I felt was relief. I can remember the due date but I can’t remember how I handled it which to me means I was fine. Actually I did feel something more than relief…it was ‘wow! I guess this means everything works, I can make a baby’….
Sometimes I forget I had that first pregnancy. Other times i spin myself out thinking I would have a 13 year old big brother or sister to my two little boys…or most likely my boys wouldn’t exist because most likely I wouldn’t have ended up with their dad!
Actually, maybe I have stumbled onto a strategy to deal with your due date there! Think of your wonderful gorgeous future children when you and your partner a ready to welcome them!
I wish someone would print a book about women who’ve had abortions and who are perfectly fine and don’t regret their decision. I know there are plenty of them out there. It would lend a bit of balance. Some of the books, Melinda Tankard Reist’s for example, seem more interested in making women feel worse in hopes of turning them into pro-life campaigners.
Beautifully said.
An Idle Dad, I think this is a super helpful comment — good to get some real ‘guy advice’.
mere_male, I suspect it was all the harder for you (and your then girlfriend) as it was illegal. This is possibly partly why she would have tried to forget. I applaud you for trying to support her, and can only imagine what an emotional minefield it would be for any man trying to offer support to a woman going through this process.
Thank you so much for sharing.
A Christian organization that’s not into the politics of abortion? Interesting.
Do you know what’s so great about your blog, Ashlee? It’s because you’re brave enough to express how you feel about your abortion. Heaps of women don’t because the subject is so off limits and they think noone will isten to them or that they have no right to feel bad about a ‘choice’ they made. It’s not much of a ‘choice’ when you’re under incredible pressure to ‘fix’ a problem and you have no support.
Society is obsessed by the politics of abortion and pays little attention to how those most affected often feel afterwards. Sure it may solve some immediate problems but later on, like at the due date or when another child is born, the loss and grief can come right back and smack us in the face.
Open Doors (www.opendoors.com.au) is a counselling service set up especially to listen and care about how women feel after abortion. They are not into the politics of abortion, they’re just there for you. Men too – they may process stuff differently but there are plenty of guys who struggle with this issue. They don’t have the physical experience of the pregnancy or the abortion so it can be harder for them to connect with what you are feeling. All the things you have written about are so natural. You have a right to grieve, just like any other mother who has lost a child. Open Doors can help.
Men don’t do the emotional hand-wringing women do about decision making.Not sure if it’s linked to having testes, but if it is could I have a pair? Your partner has made a decision, he can’ change it now, and he’s put it aside. For him, while he might occasionally mull it over, he’s not battered emotionally by the decision.
You need to tell him how you feel, because you’re all churned up inside and he’s got no idea. Half the time my husband doesn’t notice what I’m feeling, not for a lack of caring, but just because he’s off on Planet Male. Tell him, talk to him, and don’t just do it once. Sometimes they need a few days to process what you’ve said, but are scared to bring it up again with a more considered response.
He might be the greatest man on Earth, but he’s not a mind reader or able to share your feelings if you don’t communicate them.
I’ve never been in your situation, but I do know what it’s like to have a slightly insensitive boyfriend. Pretty much, they don’t think like we do, and sometimes, they don’t know what they need to do in order to make us feel ok, especially when we’ve been affected something that has rocked us to the core.
From my experience, you can’t just go through the motions on your own and be pissed off when he’s off doing his own thing and acting like there’s nothing wrong, because as far as he can see, there isn’t. He’s not doing this on purpose. If he knew your heart was aching so bad right now, he’d want to do whatever he can to make it better.
You need to tell him that you’re going through something. Tell him what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. And then tell him what you need him to do for you while you’re going through this tough time.
Be strong, you’ll get through it. You’re allowed to be sad. And remember, it’s not his fault, he’s just a boy. x
Ashlee, you may find as time goes on, and if in the future you two do decide to have a family that THAT is when the reality hits him. 22 is very young, and perhaps if and when he does become a parent he may understand the impact of this experience on you a little better?
All the best to you both. xoxox
Many men just don’t think like that. It has taken me a long time (I’m now 38) to work out that their thought processes are completely different and there is truth in the statement that we come from different planets! I know this is a generalisation, but they think in very practical terms sometimes!
I am so sorry for your feelings, I am sure your boyfriend is feeling terrible that he doesn’t think about what could have been. But empathy is something that requires an understanding of your emotions and I think that often can only come from other women…. which is why this blog is so good!
Your feelings are completely understandable and (I hava also been through what you are, at about the same age, under the same circumstances) they can rear their head for a long time after you think they should have faded. Let yourself grieve a little bit. Don’t feel guilty, feel excited about your future. Spoil yourself and ask your partner to spoil you, he will understand that simple request and be glad to be able to do something concrete to help. You will move on and have a lovely life and children in the future, if you want. I’ve now got a wonderful career, and 2 (nearly 3) beautiful children. I am so glad to hear you say that you at least know you did the right thing, it sounds like you did.
I have not had to make the choice to have an abortion but I had a miscarriage (a much wanted baby, too) and at the time I got no support from my (now ex) husband. Or that is how it seemed at the time. That made it much more upsetting for me. Men, no matter how caring they are, don’t experience pregnancy and all the changes that go with it, and they know they never will have to face that experience either, I think it gives them a different perspective on the whole thing, they just do not understand what we go through.
Post the link. My wife would certainly have a look.
What you are feeling is completly normal and your boyfriend is behaving as many intelligent caring men do in this situation. My husband and I had to make that dreadful decision 7 years ago after finding the baby had a major birth deformity. I still think of that loss at the due date and other times. I felt as you do now. My husband, who is a wonderful caring and considerate man, behaved as you describe your boyfriend. Men are different. It doesn’t make them less caring or thoughtful. They process things differently. I know it’s hard when your need his emotional support he is not feeling way your are and not even understanding why you feel that way. (They can be far too rational can’t they?? Annoying.)
Be kind to yourself.Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t torture yourself. Ask your GP about free counseling services if you think chatting to someone may help you. An objective outsider is often a good way.
Thinking of you…cliched but true, time will heal.
13 years ago I was in the same situation. As it is only a recent thing for you to have gone through, you will naturally think about things like this. I found that as the years progressed, I thought less and less about it as I suppose I was so busy in my 20s doing all the things I wouldn’t have had the chance to do as a young mother.
With regards to your BF, its not personal, its just that men process these things differently than us. You were the one that it happened to, so naturally you are the one who feels it more deeply. He has made his peace with it and doesn’t see the need to torture yoursleves with the ‘what ifs’.
If you need to chat, I suggest you get some counseling, it can be very helpful.
I don’t think your partner is being insensitive. He obviously feels very comfortable in the decision to terminate. By mourning for this child who will never be it suggests that you are and never will be 100% at peace with the decision you made. It appears your partner is different in this respect and shouldn’t be punished emotionally for this. Dare I say, I feel you just want your partner to help you carry the guilt because it is easier than being alone with it.
The dad was the one who made me feel bad. But he was 8 yrs older, and was divorced at like 25. My true friend, who I told not even a week after, didn’t even blink. He said “You wouldn’t bring up a chilld without the best of everything you could offer. Including the dad”. Felt so good.
Mine are crazy too, Shell. No idea when they’re coming, (I know, how lucky am I?) Bit stressed atm, actually…
Guest – I totally agree. I would have a 12-13 yo now! I felt sad for Mum, she was a bit excited about having a grandchild. I’m sure I would have been an awesome Mum, but not ready. And Mum respected that. Fuck she ROCKS!
I told my ex about it after it had happened – I was seriously looking like being at the hospital anyway. He had names picked and everything. I felt bad, but they were awful names and nicknames, and I knew it wasn’t the right relationship to bring a child into. Many other friends who knew both of us (quite open about it ^^^) completely agreed.
I haven’t even read the responses, this time. I got pregnant when I was 22. I was still living with Mum, working a casual job and it was a casual relationship. It would have been a nightmare with the dad. He was 31 at the time, but decided to be a cranky old bastard when he turned 30. He had a wake for his bday party!
Anyhoo, I didn’t know. Remember all the stories you read in Cosmo and Cleo and Dolly about not knowing you’re pregnant and then OMG you’re in labour? I always thought that would happen to me, you know, JUST MY LUCK. Well it did. I put on weight, but thought it was cos of a job change, etc. I had my periods. Well, what I thought. Then I started BLEEDING. Like, super tampon in half an hour. NOT RIGHT. Luckily I had an awesome GP. I went to her going “oh hell” – at the time my sister was working on the gynae-oncology ward at our closest hospital. I had visions of me being on her ward dying of cancer and my little sister having to be my nurse!
It was actually a relief to find I was only pregnant (I know it sounds horribly harsh, but when you think you’re going to die, no). That can be fixed.
I had no hesitation getting an abortion. I DEFINITELY wasn’t ready. And not with him. Would’ve been a nightmare for all concerned.
I told my Mum and sister, Doc made me, but she knew Mum and knew she’d look after me. She took me to the abortion clinic, and I lost my shit. Mum stayed there for me. It wasn’t about the baby, it was that it was super stressful and scary and I had never been under any anaesthetic. I was terrified. And it bloody hurts after.
When the due date arrived, I was really bad too. I still don’t regret the abortion, and I never have (although I have felt slack a couple of times with fam and friends who had troubles), but my GP was expecting me, as it was due date. I think maybe its a natural thing?
“Irrationaly fear”. I am on the pill and I use condoms as backup. I need a councilor rather than a dr.
After the miscarriage of my first baby, my husband and I went to the garden centre and bought a gorgoeus little lemon tree and planted in our backyard. I like to look at the tree, water it and watch it grow.
It is a little corny, but it really did help me.
further, I just found a better link for the book, it’s currently available from this website:
http://melindatankardreist.com.au/products-page/book/giving-sorrow-words/
It sounds like your boyfriend is very pragmatic. He knew that was the best decision for him/both of you and has not wavered, allowing him to move on at this point in time.
It really shows how different we all can be. I think we, as women (not all), have a need to keep going over things, analysing everything. I understand where you are coming from with all the maybes/could haves and think it is pretty normal as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. Allow yourself to grieve but don’t torture yourself..
Oh Ashlee that is so hard. I have a few friends who have had abortions and they’ve all had similar struggles. I remember one friend who said “it was terrible, i had no money and no support, i’ll never forget it.” She had her abortion 10 years ago and it still plays on her mind. Another friend had an abortion at 16 and then a baby at 18, but her circumstances hadn’t changed. I asked her why she decided to go ahead and have the baby this time. She answered “i’m not going through that shit again.”
Since then I read a book which I found really helpful to understand what can happen for women after an abortion. It’s called “Giving Sorrow Words: women’s stories of grief after abortion.” by Melinda Tankard Reist. I found a link for it here:
http://www.duffyandsnellgrove.com.au/titles/giving_sorrow.htm
“Giving Sorrow Words includes the complete personal accounts of 18 women and draws on the experiences of more than 200 others. All thought they would be able to get on with their lives after an abortion, but their lives were never the same. There is no period of mourning for a woman suffering grief after an abortion. There are no grief terms, no body for her to cuddle and dress, no ceremony, no grave on which to lay flowers, in short, nothing to acknowledge that the baby ever existed. The book also lifts the lid on the coercion women experience from partners, families and society in general. The inadequacy of current pre-abortion counselling practices and the lack of informed consent are also revealed.”
Perhaps you are too raw to read the book at the moment Ashleigh, but know that you are not alone and healing is possible.
i haven’t been in that situation, i am one of the lucky ones i guess as so many of my friends have been there. i don’t know what to say to make you feel better except that i hope with time you will find peace. i know when i was pregnant and was faced with the possibility of having a baby with severe chromosomal disorder and therefore potential later-stage termination, my husband did not seem to have the same fear and dread about this. he was thinking along the lines of “we’ll just try again later”. some men, and not all, just don’t understand that feeling. i think they are more able to compartmentalise things. maybe looking for support elsewhere, like the website suggested below, might give you what you need. try not to resent him for his ability to get on with life i suppose. i wish you well.
Years ago, I had just started seeing a guy whose ex-girlfriend contacted him to tell him she was pregnant. I stopped seeing him while he went back to her to sort out what they were going to do. A few weeks later he got back in touch with me to tell me that she had a termination, they were not getting back together and we slowly started seeing each other again. I was surprised that he he was often sad about the unanswered questions, he cried a few times and he sent her flowers on the due date. Maybe he could be open with me because he wasnt worried about upsetting me because in this situation I wasnt more vulnerable than him. Could it be that your boyfriend is trying to put on a brave front so he doesnt upset you ? Maybe like many men he just isnt good with emotional stuff. I hope you get your answers.
I also bought a piece of jewellery – it makes me feel better when I wear it.
Ashlee – your story, tinged with sadness, resonates with me to the point that I am sitting on my lounge room floor, lap top in hand, tissues on floor – tears trickling down my face. Like you, I have experienced this. I fell pregnant to my partner of 3 years, and our relationship certainly not conventional- didn’t survive the shock the pregnancy caused. I found out I was pregnant at 7 weeks, while he was overseas. I too knew that I wasn’t ready for a baby, that we weren’t ready for a baby. I called him, hysterically, and told him the news. The support from across the country was immense, but that quickly faded and I went to the termination with a girlfriend, one week before he returned from his boys’ trip.
He never came and saw me. Didn’t call when he got home. It was like we didn’t know how to be with each other and in retrospect we were both grieving a baby we would never know. The 12 months that followed were absolutely horrendous, I could not function – women with babies had me in tears, mentions of babies had in tears, friends having babies and using ‘my’ baby name – how dare they. I literally wanted to curl up and cry – I have never felt so empty. I think I was grieving the rejection of the man as well. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I don’t think you can ever know what is the normal thing to feel when this happens. And I am sure that everybody is different.
Eventually, I spoke to the ex. He didn’t think I understood how he felt – I still maintain that he is an ostrich! ( But our circumstances seem different to yours) In some respects, a woman’s body is programmed to cope with pregnancy but not the other way around – the surge of hormones and emotions are overwhelming and the emotional consequences are far more than you can ever expect, regardless of how you felt about your decision. Your boyfriend, while invested in your relationship and has supported you, probably doesn’t understand how you feel because his experience was so much different to yours, physiologically and emotionally. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.
I use to think about the baby that could have been every single day, but it has been 2 years this March since the procedure and I don’t think of it that often- but I know that when October 12th comes around, it is in the forefront of my mind.
Ashlee I really applaud you for speaking out – it’s a difficult experience but it gets easier and the questioning becomes less. Stay brave and strong and if you want to be upset be upset and if Boyfriend doesn’t ask – Spell it out to him. He will need it, because it is impossible for him to know how you’re feeling and your experience. xx
I miscarried early on in a pregnancy 9 years ago…they would have been 9 this month. I know the situation is a bit different to yours but a part of you will always remember it and think of it…I probably dont have much advice to give you but I think you are very brave in telling everyone your story. And I hope that you get the love and support you need. X
I went through this too. Although I was in my early 30’s with 3 kids. I had just met man and fell pregnant pretty fast. (entirely my stupid fault)
I knew I would not have the baby, and he agreed. I booked the appointment and the next week we went off together and the procedure was done. I did feel a twinge of ‘oh my god’ when they did the ultrasound and there were twins. My man is a twin.
But I am SO glad I could make the choice to not continue with the pregnancy and I wrote a poem to the both of them and have it tucked away. I do remember on their due date mentioning it to my man and he just looked at me. We had a moment, but it has never happened again. To be honest. Because you made the right decision FOR YOU. you will be ok. Your boyfriend is obviously cool with it and maybe you are not quite yet. You should have a chat with someone, maybe another woman who has also terminated a pregnancy,I had a dear friend and we have talked it over and over. Talking is always the best therapy. Although you chose not to carry on with the pregnancy, I think there is some grief attached and this is normal but not allowed. I feel very strongly that more women like you and me should share our stories and make this decision easier for women out there to cope with. More power to you.
The grief that comes with an abortion is that “that shall not speak its name”. No one who has had an abortion generally talks about it and no one writes stories about the emotional impact – out of fear of being judged perhaps, or out of fear of giving the pro-life lobby something to hang their hats onto.
It doesn’t feel legitimate, like you have the right to grieve, because there are so many women out there who struggle to conceive, who miscarry desperately wanted babies, who give birth to a baby that has died in the womb. How can you possibly grieve something that you deliberately destroyed? Surely you have given away all those rights?
But of course the reality is that having an abortion is one of the most gut wrenching and painful and emotionally complex things that a woman can do. The knowledge that what you are doing is RIGHT for you, because of the circumstances of the time, does not make it feel any better, does not make you able to treat it more lightly or forget it quickly. The process of grieving something that is socially unacceptable fucks with your mind because of the many mixed messages.
I think this is probably your reality Ashleigh. But it’s not your boyfriend’s. Others might not agree with me on this but this is an experience that is pretty much 100% a woman’s. Yes, a man can feel a sense of grief and loss and maybe your boyfriend does (but has other ways of dealing with it) but it’s still pretty much yours alone.
So you need to try and sit down and tell him this. Don’t worry about whether or not you did the right thing because you know that you did. Tell him about all those conflicting emotions and let him feel your sadness and then maybe he can mourn with you. Then think about going to see a bereavement counsellor, just a couple of times to talk it out. Because the chances are, no one else wants to know about it.
Yes, I’ve been there. Many years ago. And yes, it will stay with me forever, even though I absolutely did what was right for me at the time.
I am the same – this year my little one would have started primary school. And yes, I was completely aware of it while my husband wasn’t. I no longer think about the baby all the time, but I do wonder sometimes what he or she would have been like, would our relationship have lasted, would we have the children we have now or would having that baby change the course we are now on. I don’t know. I will always remember the child I didn’t have (through our own choices) and I will always be a little sad. But I know we made the best decisions at the time and I can’t undo it so I will make the best of it and see all the blessings I have now (possibly in spite of the situation, possibly because of the situation. Who know?). Good luck to you, and I hope you heal xxx
Don’t be so hard on your boyfriend. They honestly don’t think about stuff like, “I could have been a father right now if things had been different”. They simply don’t have the maternal instincts that us women do and he probably genuinely didn’t understand why you were upset about it until you explained it. He’s doing the typically male thing which is to think rationally about the whole think and perform a cost-benefit analysis. It’s just biology – men aren’t very good at empathising with things like that. However, I’m sure he was thinking with your best interests at heart. Judging by the situation you outlined, it looks like you would have had a hard time supporting a child as well as yourselves at that time in your life. Some day down the track when you’re both settled and ready and have a child together, I’m sure his outlook will change dramatically.
Hey well done for putting your story out there. Take heart that only positive & supportive comments are below.
I know when we were first together, my wife and I certainly had a ‘abort if fall pregnant’. I know it wouldn’t have been a big as a problem to me as my wife if it had happened. With early abortions, for guys, the decision is logical. Everything your boyfriend says would have been me if it had happened to us all those years ago. It’s not that he doesn’t care or doesn’t love you – he does – it’s just that in this case it is almost impossible for him to relate. While one definition of a good relationship is that the hard times are hard times together I think early term abortion is outside. Your boyfriend may yet prove a great Dad, accept the difference and seek support elsewhere. Lame, I know, but that’s the only ‘guy advice’ I can offer.
That said, my wife and I had a very, very late term abortion that the anniversary was last month and I think about it a lot. It was so late I could actual hold my son in my arms in the days afterwards. It is normal to always think ‘what if’ and I’m not sure I’ll ever be in a place where I don’t consider it.
Still, I have kids – they help a lot.
What is the point of my comment? Fucked if I know, just… stick with it. It’ll get better.
My due date for a miscarriage is actually this week, I have thought about it alot. I am pregnant & due in April which makes me feel alot better about it, but I often wonder what the sex was etc etc.
I think you have summed it up perfectly
I had an abortion in October 2008. Im the same age as you, in the same situation, though my boyfriend dumped me when he found out I was pregnant. The due date is always the hardest, and it doesnt go away. Even now (after naming the baby I terminated) I still see new mothers with babies and think “that could have so easily been me”.
There is a website forum for ladies dealing with PASS (post abortion stress syndrome) and I found that a massive help.
I could message you the URL if you’d like.
The Global Wave of Light could be a good fit.
http://babyloss.yuku.com/topic/10174/t/Join-the-international-Wave-of-Light.html
Shelly, please go and see your local womens health clinic and talk to one of the dr’s or nursing practitioners there about how you are feeling and getting some contraception for yourself in addition to condoms. They are free (or at most have a donation box on the counter) they are confidential for anyone over 16 and even prior to that they are concerned only for your health.
i definitely hear what you’re saying Ashlee, although i’ve never had an abortion or miscarriage, i do know how powerful pregnancy is and the attachment that occurs between a mother and her unborn baby so i can completely understand your feelings and i also know from the experiences of friends that your boyfriend’s reaction is totally normal as well as they just DON’T get it for whatever reason, probably due to the fact that they do not physically carry the baby and differences between the way males and females deal with loss…my advice is to explain what you need, ie i just need you to listen without giving any answers/rationalisations etc. and if that doesn’t work possibly some couples counselling…good luck xxxx
Like others here I have been where you are also. I think about my daughter who is 10 and sometimes wonder wow she didn’t have to be an only child… but she is, and the decision I made was for the very same reason as yours too young/poor/unsettled etc.. I too look at kids in the Shopping Centre, i think about the type of mum I would have been as a borderline anorexic 17 year old with a penchant for weed and binge drinking, in the middle of her HSC, with a boy who told her a couple of weeks after the termination that he was ‘in love with someone else and perhaps had been for about 12 months” if I had the baby I’d be planning a 16th birthday party this year.
It’s not something you forget about but there does come a time when you say to yourself I did make the right decision, if there is any guilt you need to let it go, the kids that are born/come to you in other ways to you will be the ones that you are meant to have.
Mia did a post about women who live in the “what if” and a lot of the time we do, whereas men in general don’t – different wiring or whatever it is I don’t know. I would sit down with your man when you aren’t too emotional and tell him how you are feeling about the approaching due date, if you don’t say it out loud he will NEVER GUESS, nor should he have to guess, this is how you feel you need to own it and only you can help yourself be ok.
As for how he feels again ask him, he may feel exactly the same way as you and not want to let you now because he feels it may put extra guilt on you. He may also feel a bit scared for not feeling the ‘appropriate emotions’ whatever they are..
Perhaps a memorial of your own could be helpful – similar to the Japanese one linked to below? it doesn’t have to be planned even going somewhere like the beach and saying out loud your goodbyes. Whether its the two of you or not. Release the spirit you have been carrying with you it has already and will in the future teach you many things about yourself and others. Some of these things you won’t know until years in the future, be grateful for the lessons learned and then let go…
be kind to him and yourself you are team mates in life be sure to remember it.
So I don’t have any experience with this, and am hesitant to even comment, but feel drawn to, because in a way I feel like I can relate to your boyfriend. Of course I see things completely from your perspective and think all your thoughts and questions are valid and healthy, but as for him…
I have a little girl. And I am pregnant. When I got pregnant the first time I was absolutely convinced I would miscarry in the first trimester. And in my naivete I thought that would be ok. I knew the statistics and that so many pregnancies end in miscarriage.
In the earlier days my partner and I also used to talk about what we would do in the event of an unexpected pregnancy and termination was firmly on the table. I was (and still am, of course) so adamantly pro-choice that I just assumed that having that choice meant that making that choice would be simple.
I had no points of reference. No experience in pregnancy, miscarriage or termination. And I thought that it was something that, with the right mind set and rationality I could come to terms with whatever hand was dealt me.
I see now that this was a completely unemotional way of looking at things. A completely removed perspective. But how could it be anything else, given that I had never gone through any of this?
I see only now what a life changing and on going process these things are. And I only see that through the experience of my own pregnancies and being more able to hypothesise about what I would do in different circumstances.
So in a way I can see that perhaps your boyfriend has this removed perspective. After all, he has never been pregnant, and it changes you, even if it is unexpected and even if it is only for a short time.
This is not meant to excuse insensitivity, just meant to offer a possible explanation.
I don’t think we can really understand these experiences unless we have been in them, and he will never “be in it” the same way you are. Hopefully he can be there for you though. Best of luck.
Great to hear a male perspective. I can imagine how for some guys, when you hold your own bub down the track you think about what might have been, hence my comments below. A friend once said to me (who went through this too), when my kids are sitting around the table, I cant help think that one is missing. The guilt and shame may be a normal feeling, but not a derserved feeling. Be kind to yourself, and thankyou for adding your experience here.
haha I had a boyfriend who used to say exactly the same thing to me. It is very very true – but it used to drive me nuts!
Almost 40 years ago, my then girl-friend and I (as uni students) faced the same predicament (trickier actually as the “procedure” {how quaint} was illegal then). I was supportive just like Ashlee’s BF is, but I did remember the due date (as it would have been in the middle of our end of year exams)………. However, when I bought my GF a bunch of flowers and a “thinking of you” card, I was berated for “opening old wounds” and it caused her great upset, so I never mentioned it again.
Being a male, and as it wasn’t my body, I guess I didn’t think about the abortion issue much again until I held my first-born in my arms: oh boy, did feelings of guilt and shame well up in me and I started crying: my wife thought I was so caught up in the birth of my son.
I agree with sendingsupport, I too still think about what might have been, especially when my kids do something clever in school or achieve one of their goals or even just give me a hug and say “love you, dad”.
The guilt and shame hasn’t left me and it’s 38 years – geez, almost to the day…………………………..
Sorry to hear this and lots of heartfelt love to you. You’re lucky that you went through this with someone and you’re still together. sadly, lots of women make this heart crunching decision and process on their own.
Men just are made differently to us. You’re built differently and so is he. Many men just can’t process the emotional stuff like us women do – plus he’s incredibly young.
Be kind to yourself and perhaps expect you’ll never wonder about what may have been but don’t blame him just because he’s a guy. Wishing you the best
This is a beautiful idea and one that is catching on in Western cultures.
Radio Nationals Encounter did a piece on Buddhism and Abortion last September which was really interesting and talked a little bit about mizuko kuyo.
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/encounter/stories/2009/2669954.htm
That’s such a good idea.
Ashlee, I think you are very brave in putting your story out there. I had a termination three years ago today. We were in a very similar situation, different only in the fact that I found out I was pregnant very early on. The procedure was carried out seven and a half weeks into the pregnancy. While it does absolutely get easier, I still think about what might have been. I am still certain that I (we) made the right decision but I still feel a lot of guilt and sadness. These feelings are more intense on the due date, date of the termination and also Mother’s and Father’s day.
The more you talk about it, the better. Whatever you do, don’t keep what you’re feeling to yourself. And the more you talk about it, the easier it will be for your boyfriend to understand what you’re going through (even though it’s different to how he is dealing with it and what he is feeling).
Thinking of you.
Your story is nearly identical to mine Ashlee. Every year I think about little milestones and look at children in shopping centres and wonder if they would have been the same age. My boyfriend at the time was fantastic up until the procedure, and then completely seemed to have gotten over it, whereas I was in more turmoil than ever. I would try and speak to him about it but it was like talking to a brick wall. I guess he felt that I wanted him to solve the problem and he couldn’t do that, so became closed off. All I wanted to do was have someone listen to me, not try and give me solutions. I decided to instead turn to my female friends for help, they all have the important dates written down and shower me with love and support when I need it, ranging from text messages to chocolates to taking me out to distract me. You’ll find what works best for you, but whatever you do, don’t do it all alone. good luck xx
It might help if you could write at list for yourself of all the reasons why it was not right to have this child at this time, and why you made your decision. I think it could help you remember the reality of “why” later down the track and so you don’t forget there were very good reason why you came to this decision?
lots of love, xoxo
very sage advice…
I was thinking the same thing Tara…
I have only had sex a few times and I am going to tell you why I don’t really have sex.
The few times I have had sex, my periods has been SO FUCKING LATE afterwards. The fear is unbearable. I’d rather live a sexless life than go through that process of late periods, the stress, the pregnant nightmares, thinking about how the eff I would deal if I WAS up the duff.
I would call it a phobia. Irrational fear…
I have had two of these “procedures”.
I do remember how old they would have been (13 and 10 respectively) and wonder a little what they would have been like.
But I believe I made the best decisions at the time.
What a lovely idea.
for the baby I ‘lost’ (hate that term, but never mind) I bought a heart pendant that I wear when I feel I need it.
I had a pregnancy scare last week. After spending 4 days freaking out about a late period and nausea, I did a pregnancy test to find out that I wasn’t.
My boyfriend of 3 years and I have always assumed that if I got pregnant now, we wouldn’t keep it. We’re too young, too poor and just not ready. But in those few days when I honestly thought I might be pregnant, I seriously thought about what might happen if I had a child at the age of 20. BF was totally unsupportive, making jokes about it, and I got a little bit pissed off.
Obviously my situation is different to yours, as I’m not actually pregnant, but I really empathise with you. I think it’s all because we are the ones that actually go through the pregnancy, the abortion or the birth. Particularly at a young age, men probably aren’t able to comprehend the situation, and how it can affect you for years and years. I have two friends that have gone through abortions, they still talk about it.
I guess I don’t actually have any valuable advice for you (sorry!), but just commenting to let you know that you aren’t alone! x
My (now) husband and I found ourselves in a similar position when we were only 19, we made the decision together that it would not have been the right time for us and we were so young, just moved out of home and starting life.
Even though I know we made the right decision, 17 years down the track I think about what life would have been like if we had gone ahead and had that baby. I have no doubt that we probably wouldn’t be together anymore as we were to young and just getting to know ourselves and each other. We have a wonderful little boy now that has just started school, so life is rolling along but I still find that I wonder what it would be like to have a teenage son or daughter and what they would be like, who they would look like etc and I don’t think that I will ever forget them.
I think we have more of an emotional attachment as our bodies go through changes not matter how short the pregnancy and guys just don’t get that emotional attachment. I don’t think you can ever expect him to feel the same way you do, but it is important that he understands that you have strong feelings and that you will need support from time to time, especially around the due date.
Best of luck to you xx
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mizuko_kuy%C5%8D
Mizuko kuyō or “fetus memorial service”, is a Japanese ceremony for those who have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion. This practice has become particularly visible since the 1970s with the creation of shrines devoted solely to this ritual.
http://ncronline.org/node/1462
” about half of Japanese women who abort go through a ritual known as mizuko kuyo, or “ritual of apology and remembrance.” “
Hugs. It’s so important to remember. Lost babies, through whatever circumstances, are with us forever. I know the dates mine should have been born, even the terminated one from my early 20s, and those dates mark important moments for me, as yours will for you.
Can you miss something that you didn’t think you wanted in the first place? Yes, of course you can. I have heard many stories about this kind of situation, so I think your feelings are quite normal. I would probably find it of more concern if you didn’t have these thoughts and questions from time to time. Also, when you do decide to have children, (especially if you have them together), it may dredge all these feelings up all over again.
The decision to terminate a pregnancy is deeply personal and one that can bring on feelings of regret, sadness, relief, a whole bag of different emotions. Sometimes this can be exacerbated when the decision has to be made quickly or is rushed. The way people handle this decision is different for everyone too. As for your partner’s feelings – My husband wasn’t particularly upset when I miscarried my 2nd pregnancy at 10wks. He wanted the baby, but didn’t really see it as a “baby” at that stage. I think that given that you both made the same choice, (or thought you made the ame choice) he may not see what the issue is, and it wasn’t something that he had to go through physically either.
When we lost a baby 23 wks into the pregnancy due to a heart problem, we still handled it in very different ways, and it was really hard. I knew the due date was approaching for weeks, but he didn’t have a clue. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, he did very much, but he didn’t outwardly express it in the same way that I did. Even now 7 yrs later, he doesn’t think about it as I still do. He has more of the personality of moving forward, accepting what cannot be changed. I do something happy & positive on her b’day every yr, rather than be sad and think about what could have been, and I do this on my own. I hope you find some peace.
Ashlee, I was once in your exact position.
Under similar circumstances I made the same choice. For the next 9 months i went through an emotional roller coaster with little support. My boyfriend at the time was not there at all. He did not talk about it, did not want to and i felt completely alone. At the time it resulted in our demise.
Much later I met up with him to discuss this period of time with him. He said that he did not know what to say to me, he had no idea what i was going through and he did not know how to make things better. He said that he felt horrible about the situation but could not imagine what i was going through and could not really handle his confusion and my emotions at the time, so he didn’t.
With most problems, it takes two. I could have expressed my thoughts and feelings better and he could have been more patient with me. we both had different expectations about what we wanted from each other…
Just Keep talking. Even if you both see a counsellor to help facilitate this.
When my due date came and went it was like a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders and i could finally move on with things.
I hope things get easier for the both of you x
I believe that in Japan they have special places where they commemorate the lives of babies who were terminated or lost via miscarriage.
I’ve always thought that is a beautiful idea and acknowledgment of the complexity of emotion that can surround both these experiences….
Does anyone know more about this?
Dearest Ashlee,
I too have had the procedure you speak of. It is never pleasant and to some degree it does change you even in the smallest of ways. Whilst you made your decision it is never an easy decision to make or one to live with day after day. My boyfriend and I have since parted ways however a few months ago I emailed him as I too had the same questions you have. When the due date came, I spent the day with myself, reflecting and focusing on the year ahead. That is all you really can do. The questions will never cease, however it does get easier. It does. With every day that comes and goes, you will find other things capture your attention. I have found though, the most positive thing I did was ask the man who shared this experience with me how he felt. It blew me away. Sometimes they just don’t know how to say things or express themselves. It affects the both of you just in different ways. And it is hard to deal with and live with but I promise, when your time is right, you will make an excellent mother. Wishing you love, luck and strength to get through this xxx
Completely different but kind of similar situation….
I miscarried a baby on January 17, 2001. Every year on that date I think of my little baby. I accept what happened but the date still makes me sad.Two years later I recall mentioning the date to my OH and receiving the reply “Oh well, it doesn’t matter ‘cos we have H, now”. I remember feeling completely crushed. One child doesn’t replace another and I’ll always think of that baby and wonder.
We spoke about it later and the OH said that his way of dealing with it was to put it away in his mind. I guess my way of dealing with it is to think about it.
I don’t think any method is right or wrong, they are just different. And I think when it’s happened to your body you’re bound to think about it more.
I can understand you both, I guess.
Even though you feel you’ve made the right decision, it’s obviously an extremely significant one and happened to your body. I’m sure it’s only natural to think about it all the time.
I also understand where your boyfriend is coming from too. Because Babydom is so far from his mind and his life right now, he probably just shifted this experience out of his mind. I guess he thinks it’s been and gone, so what’s to think about?
Maybe what you’ve demonstrated is one of the (generally speaking) fundamental differences between the sexes. Women tend to analyse situations (such as this one) a lot more than perhaps men do. Particularly in this instance, where there were no procedures etc. being done to his body.
I think the two of you should focus on making sure you communicate all of the feelings you’re sitting on with each other. It’s healthy and will make for a stronger relationship in the long run.
I hope you work it out.
Hi Ashlee, I have no experience of this myself, so cannot imagine how hard it would be for you. I’m so sorry you are going through this and don’t feel like you have the supoprt of your husband.
I know that when my friend experienced a miscarriage she was deeply affected and her husband couldn’t understand how she wasn’t just able to get past it.
From what I understand, it can be a very personal thing, and men are better able to shelve their feelings because it wasn’t happening to their bodies. So while it affects them, there is no physical sense of loss associated.
Plus, people react differently. I know a common fight my husband and I have centres around how I THINK he should react to a situation and my disppointment when he doesn’t. Though as he always says to me, just because I’m not crying and obsessing over it doesn’t mean I don’t care, just that I behave differently.
Why no comments on this one?
I think it would be completely natural to wonder about those sorts of things Ashlee*. And I can totally understnad how that would become more grating if the person who is meant to support you doesn’t understnad that.
xo