What to do on a due date that never came….

Ashlee* writes…

“In July of last year after feeling a bit off for a few days and my period being late I discovered I was 11 weeks pregnant. (I had actually had my period 6 weeks earlier so don’t ask me what happened there).

I’d been on the pill for 7 years and had never skipped it once so discovering I was pregnant came as a huge shock to me and as I was almost 12 weeks my boyfriend and I had to make a fairly quick decision on what to do. Although we had been together 4 years and have talked about having children together I knew it wasn’t the right time for me. We were both only 22, had just moved to Australia and started (badly paying) entry level jobs. We literally had no friends or family here for support and little savings, so within a day and without really discussing the situation I had booked my procedure for later that week. My boyfriend was extremely supportive throughout the week and on the day of the procedure but since then has never brought it up.

I was obviously upset after the procedure but I thought I was handling everything well considering and I knew that I have made the right decision. But, tomorrow is what would have been the due date. For the last month I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I brought it up with my boyfriend last week and told him that it was constantly on my mind and that I was annoyed he hasn’t made sure I am okay. I was not even sure he knew when the due date was. He completely couldn’t understand where I was coming from and kept saying things such as ‘I’m sorry I guess it never crossed my mind that you would have wanted to keep it. We’re so young and have so much we want to do and as it is we can barely afford the rent etc. etc.’ I got so frustrated with him!

I do know that we made the right decision but I wish he had been more supportive after it happened. I wonder how he isn’t the tiniest bit upset about it (I asked him)? Does he not think that under different circumstances he could have been a father now? Or think about what sex the baby might have been? Or what it would have looked like? Or feel a pang of guilt when two friends of friends have recently lost babies?

Has anyone else had a similar experience or can you understand where I am coming from and just as importantly, where my boyfriend is coming from?”

Article filed under: group therapy, life stuff , & published: Monday, February 8th, 2010.

Anon says:

March 9, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Ashlee I’m commenting very late on this, so don’t know if you’ll see it and perhaps others have already said this (I don’t have time to read all the comments). I’ve been through losing a baby (miscarriage) and found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was so upset and my husband was so unsupportive saying that it must not have been a viable baby anyway. I still think about that baby that might have been, on its due date and loss date, even though I have a child now. I think no matter how you ‘lose’ your baby it is a loss that needs to be grieved. And unfortunately guys just don’t have that same physical or emotional connection with a foetus. The start of a pregnancy triggers a flurry of hormones in women, but men feel nothing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that at first I was annoyed at my husband because he wasn’t grieving the loss like I was but I’ve since realised that they don’t have any connection so there is no loss for them and hence don’t even think about how us women may be feeling without us telling them. xx

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Anna says:

February 13, 2010 at 1:41 am

It makes me so mad when people (Especially males) condemn those who have abortions and say that they’re taking “the easy way out”. having had two close friends go through it, I know it is far from the “easy option”, there is no such option in unplanned/unwanted pregnancy and they’re so ignorant for suggesting otherwise.

Emma Lou says:

February 11, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Ashlee, I feel for you but in my experience it does get a bit easier. I was in a different situation where I was dating a guy, only for a month or so, and I fell pregnant the FIRST TIME I had sex. I broke it off with him before I found out that I was pregnant. He was from Nigeria (only say that as their culture treats women very differently to here), thought it was completely normal to date many women at one time and quite proud of it, and had VERY different values to me. I was just finishing Uni, living with my parents and did not want to have any ties with him at all. I decided the best decision was to have a termination (I did not tell him I was pregnant) and I am very OK with that decision. Having said that, my sister had a baby within a few months of when I would have been due and I do often think about the baby…would it have been a boy or girl, they would be 10 years old this year the same as my niece. I think about what could have been every week or so….but not with regret, but at how different my life would be now.

I agree with the comments below that your boyfriend just doesn’t see the big deal. Doesn’t make it wrong, just different to you. I wish you luck xox

Guest says:

February 10, 2010 at 7:34 pm

A believe that ‘procedure she speaks o’f is called an abortion.

February 10, 2010 at 7:33 pm

It makes me feel sick to read about all the children you *would* have had – utterly sick.

Amzz says:

February 10, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Im fairly certain that the word ‘abortion’ is banned on American tv/movies – even in Knocked Up, the word abortion isnt mentioned, the phrase ‘take care of it’ is, I think.

I had a termination (termination is medical term) at 18. I had just started Uni and one night, I thought I’d be right and thought I was further on in my period, which obviously I wasnt. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years, but werent living together and had semi serious plans for marriage.

I knew I was pregnant when I was only days late – just a gut feeling. I was devastated – I grew up reading Dolly and reading articles on teen pregnancies, thinking how they could be so stupid and I was naive in thinking it wouldnt happen to me because I was smarter than that.

My boyfriend said he didnt want to keep the baby and I felt somewhat pressured to do so, even though in my heart, I knew it wasnt a good time. Three months later, it was over between us and I somehow knew that the termination was what broke us.

Years later, I met my current fiance and was introduced to his nephew, who was 2 at the time and would have been only months older than my baby. My fiance’s brother also married a lovely girl who has a daughter the same age as his nephew. So there is a little part of me that feels like my baby has been replaced by these two wonderful children.

I dont regret my decision because ultimately my life took a different track, but I often wonder what path my life would have taken if I had made a different decision – I would have been sending my son or daughter to school next year….May still have been single now…Wouldnt have met my fiance….

Alison says:

February 10, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Thanks for your comments, Anon. You are right to be concerned about the issue of bias potentially intruding into the counselling room. Open Doors is rigorous in its screening, training and supervision of counsellors for just that reason. All of us have our own views and beliefs on issues. A properly trained counsellor or therapist is capable of putting those aside and being present to the client’s needs and feelings. That is their role.

If you are truly concerned about “bias” though, think about this – how can an abortion clinic with a financial interest in the procedures it provides and links to political activity about this issue, offer independent unbiased counselling? I don’t believe it’s a match. Many of our clients report being put under considerable pressure by abortion clinic staff to ‘just get rid of it because you can’t cope’ – this is not counselling. Neither is it counselling to tell a women she will be murdering her child if she has an abortion. Neither approach meets her needs at the time or seeks to help her understand what is happening in her life.

All pregnancy counselling should be completely independent of abortion provision, referral and politics. Only then can the woman make her decision free from prevailing pressure and in tune with her own real desires.

LaBelle says:

February 10, 2010 at 1:42 am

I think Kerri’s “muffled by a metaphor” post is timely when related to this. I found it disconcerting reading this and no where was the word abortion (or even termination) used. It suprised me to read it the first time “…I had booked my procedure for later that week…” and it sort of weirded me out the more it was used throughout the article.

I’m not directing this at Ashlee* in particular. If she deliberately didn’t use the word abortion then maybe she finds it upsetting, and that is cool. I wouldn’t expect her to use it for the sake of directness if it is upsetting.

But I hear this all the time. On tv they won’t even say “procedure”, they say “I’m not going to keep the baby”. Is the underuse of the word stigmatising abortion more? I feel so. The word has been captured by pro-life campaigners and certain christians and demonised. Apparently abortion goes hand in hand with ‘baby killers’. But I think by making the word abortion a taboo, it is confirming to these groups that it’s true. That it is so evil we won’t even say the word. That even people who condone and have abortions find the word (and therefore the procedure) confronting.

I think that’s why my experience of abortion suprised me. I think as a society, even though we accept it, it’s expected to be sordid. I found however, that my experience was largely like any other medical procedure. Carried out by in a clean, brightly lit small hospital by a wonderful, professional, personable female doctor. Surrounded by friendly, helpful nurses. I also felt no connection to the embryo and no guilt after. I wondered a tiny bit about gender/appearance etc but I think mainly that was because I felt that I SHOULD. I think maybe the fact I have a clear, well defined ethical stand point on the issue helped. I didn’t ever question whether it was ‘right’.

I know not everyone’s experience is like this. Of course Ashlee’s isn’t. I feel for you, Ashlee*, that it is causing you hurt. I feel bereft that I can’t offer advice- because I don’t really know how I came out of it feeling this way.

But I do think that as a society we risk making this more guilt ridden than it has to be by not being able to use it’s name. Abortion.

Good luck Ashlee*.

Krissy says:

February 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm

I can’t imagine what you must have gone through…. my heart goes out to you….

Kris2040 says:

February 9, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I had a feeling I was preggers with the current bloke – test came up positive as the urine soaked down the window bit! I freaked out and told my bestie, who rang straight away. I probably would have told him if it held, but it didn’t. I wasn’t particularly sad about it not holding (it was only like 2 or 3 weeks), but I still haven’t told him about it. I got a “period” about a week later, which was not normal. I ended up getting an ultrasound but it had aborted itself. Clearly a smart kid! LOL

February 9, 2010 at 10:35 pm

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone there. Christian Guest, obviously I need to be more enlightened about how a Christian such as yourself views abortion. Having been brought up in a Catholic household there was no question about abortion being a sin (and at school we watched THAT movie to prove it). I don’t think my comment suggested I believed Open Doors would treat a woman ‘with condemnation’, I just think one should be wary about a Christian organisation counselling about abortion.

And how can offering up a fresh way of looking at her situation be ‘unfair’ to Ashlee? I don’t get? I didn’t think I was ‘telling’ anyone to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this commenting was all about! Ashlee apologies to you if you felt this was out of line at all – like everyone here, I honestly was just trying to offer some help

February 9, 2010 at 10:33 pm

Same, L. The guy I was preggers to was older, had been married young, divorced by 30. But it would have been a nightmare if I had had the baby, and I doubt he would have had much interest in it, to be honest. I did tell him afterwards, but I was on miscarriage watch until the procedure anyway. That helped soften the blow, I think. We stayed friends for years after too. He is still single, and so am I. All good.

February 9, 2010 at 10:23 pm

No, it was an abortion, Savannah. My doc wanted to tell Mum because she seriously thought I was going to need a trip to the hospital for a curette that night because of the bleeding. I had to have an ultrasound a couple of days later, and apparently it all looked OK. I look at it though, as I lost enough blood in those couple of days and from the abortion procedure to be anaemic, everything certainly wasn’t OK. And it was still my decision to book it and have it done.

February 9, 2010 at 10:19 pm

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone there…Religion confuses the hell out of me. Obviously different Christians believe in different things. Again, sorry if I offended. I still stand by my opinion that one should be wary about a Christian organisation counselling about abortion.

Nico, I was suggesting a fresh perspective. I didn’t think I was ‘telling’ anyone to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this commenting was all about! Ashlee apologies to you if you felt I was being ‘unfair’ at all, like everyone here, I honestly was trying to offer some help

February 9, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Nico, I don’t see how ‘I am not being fair’ to Ashlee by suggesting a different persective. I don’t think I was trying to ‘tell her’ to do anything. Just offering some advice which is what I thought this was all about!

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