“I know we talk about it a lot, but sex really is everywhere. It is in magazines, it is in TV shows and movies, it is discussed on the radio and we are told to discuss it with our girlfriends. Sometimes it is in the background and sometimes it is in your face, but it is ALWAYS there, especially when you can’t actually HAVE sex. And the more you can’t have sex, the more you are told that you are incomplete without it.

For a very long time now, I have felt like an incomplete woman because I couldn’t give a man what he needed in the bedroom. I’m afraid, I’m shy, I’m inexperienced and I’ve never really known how to deal with it. And after years of heartbreak and stress, I have finally found the courage to do something about it.

I have vaginismus, a condition whereby vaginal penetration is either painful or impossible and if my doctors are to be believed it is a lot more common than I think. So my question is, if women all across Australia are having trouble having sex, to the point where it continually hurts, why aren’t we talking about it?

I have avoided sex for years, to the point where I have avoided talking about it, or seeking it out. I always felt self-conscious when I was with a guy, because in my mind I could never “follow through”. I remember getting hot and heavy with this one guy, only to tell him that I couldn’t go all the way, that I had some issues. The look he gave me crushed me for years. It was this hideous combination of loathing and pity. But it was his comment the next day that crushed me even further. I overhead him saying that he can’t believe he wasted his time…like spending time with me was worthless because I couldn’t have sex. Not wouldn’t have sex, because I so desperately wanted to, but couldn’t.

Having experienced that kind of rejection over and over again, it becomes very hard to form romantic attachments. There is always a little voice in the back of my mind that tells me to protect myself and get out before they realise what a freak I am. It becomes very hard to trust someone, because even if they seem genuine I am never convinced. Self-confidence and vaginismus do not sit well together.

To me there is a very different headspace that goes with my condition, as opposed to someone who willingly abstains from sex. Deciding to remain a virgin until the right time is an amazing commitment to make, but for me the important distinction to make is that it is a CHOICE. I never had a choice, because I can promise you, if I did I would have chosen to have sex many years ago.

So why aren’t Cleo or Cosmo telling young women that the inability to have sex is an issue that they may have to deal with, but that they aren’t alone? It is expected that you first time will be appalling, but what about when it continues to be appalling? Instead of feeling shame, I would like more women to know that this condition exists and that they can get help.

Ads for male erection problems are everywhere! So at least if a man suffers the condition, they know that they are not alone and that there is help available. I would really like for women to have the same level of comfort, because you can get help! You can seek help from your GP who will refer you to a specialist doctor, whose fees will be partially covered by Medicare.

Surely there are other women in the Mamamia community who have experienced this? How did they get over it? What was it like for them? I truly believe that only by talking about it, will other women realise they are not alone, and what could be more important than that!”