Sunday Life: is social media making me anti-social?
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Comment Rules Imagine this is a dinner party. Differences of opinion are welcome but keep it respectful or the host will show you the door. If you're rude or abusive, your comment will be deleted (so will comments responding to other rude comments because they won’t make sense - so save your breath). And if you’re offensive, you’ll be banned. Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That's how we're going to be - cool. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation...
It’s like you are reading my mind, I find myself avoinding the phone and only sending texts. Even when planning a friday dinner with girlfriends we all communicate via facebook or email, its ridiculous. We hardly communicate organically anymore.
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Mia,
This is genius. I’ve been wondering for YEARS why I can’t always answer the phone when my best girlfriend calls, why I have to wait and basically schedule out a time to call her back. I don’t always have the time (or, let’s face it, the energy) to have that conversation. I was feeling a little guilty about this, in part because I thought I was just a bad friend. But your explanation about the time it takes just to have a run-of-the-mill conversation with girlfriends totally hit the nail on the head. I’m relieved to find out that I’m not the only one to feel this way. In those cases, texting definitely becomes easier for me, too.
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This is such a good example! I’m doing a school computer tech. project on instant messaging and this has been EXTREMELY helpful for me. I also gave me a better understanding of IM. Thank you so much!
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Yeah, I’ve noticed over the last few years that I’m much more inclined to text & email than call my friends. I’ve always loved writing and the way you can think about what you say before it comes out – I feel like I make my point better in writing! But there’s so much more you can say in a phone call than in a text, when I do pick up the phone and get into a spontaneous conversation (mostly on weekends!) it usually feels good in a way that texts usually don’t.
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Mia, you read my mind.
This is me to a tee.
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I dont mind talking on the phone, I just don’t like calling people!
I had this great fear in my teen years that I would call someone and they wouldn’t realise who I was…to the extent that i didn’t want to call my own grandmother haha!
But on another note, all of this social media is just the start of a new way of life. By the time my son is in high school/uni and at work, I have no doubt that the majority of interaction with his school will take place online, rather than in a face to face environment. And similarly, I am sure that in not too many years from now, a great percentage of the workforce will work from home- it just makes sense economically and environmentally.
Now the challenge is to make sure that we don’t all forget how to speak!!
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I enjoy this site and the net for 15 minutes a day – but that’s it!
It seems as though I am the only one who is not anti- social. I call on the phone, on the HOME PHONE the vast majority of the time. No twittering or text or email really. Don’t work on a computer so that is obviously a factor.
I would much prefer to hear a friends voice and if we only catch up every month or so, fine. I would much prefer the quality of face to face over a number of random texts.
Seriously, am I alone on this one?
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I think I used up my quota of words and phone talking time in my teens. Really not keen on talking on the phone these days .. of course that’s not my social anxiety speaking at all!
Good post, Mia!
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I so agree. It makes for much more balanced responses without some of the emotion that I am prone to. A text message or email (or letter in the mail) is a lot less intrusive but I must try to be more proactive with keeping in touch with friends. I live in Darwin but I grew up in Melbourne and I so I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with my important friends. Facebook has been great for catching up with some of the people I have lost touch with over the years such as school friends.
I love the idea of arguing by text! Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my partner is hopeless at texting. Maybe that will mean I’ll always win!! But that is not what it is always about! Is it???
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“we’re losing the ability to prioritise our communication. Technology is a pushy, queue-jumping little bugger. It’s easy to confuse immediacy with importance”
SO, SO, SO true! Immediacy and importance – very different and so often I get it wrong…like now when I should be getting ready to get my daughter to the doctor !!! LOL!
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Ah you lovely people – and I thought it was just me! I’m going to make my husband read all these replies as he thinks I have a problem because I hate the phone. Same as you, didn’t used to hate it – just since I had kids and I have virtually no time when a small person isn’t following me around asking for food or something else, or just generally talking at me. Add to this the fact that I seem to be on every tele-marketers’ call list so that every second call is someone from India trying to sell me something – is it any wonder!
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Agreed with everything – but let me add one point:
Texting is the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I. We conduct all our arguments via text – sometimes even from separate rooms. Makes for short disputes with well thought out points & quick resolutions. Highly recommended for marital harmony. Try it!
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Oh I love this column! I’m not a big emailer but I definitely do text/warn my friends before calling them. Don’t know why, I don’t expect them to text me first but for some reason am very conscious about interrupting their life. Most of my phone calls are pretty quick and to the point though, I’ve never been a girl who could talk on the phone for hours.
Internet-wise however, technology has made my communication with overseas friends & family more normal. Not a day goes by that I don’t video Skype with someone, sometimes we do video conferences so I can be having face-to-face conversation over 3 continents. I think I’d go crazy if I was confined to emails and phone chats, I need to see my friends’ faces when they say something. Messiness and spontaneity suit me more than cleanliness and planning!
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Oh, I screen like mad. I get edgy when the phone rings. I am better at email, or even a handwritten letter or postcard. I can end when I want, get up and walk away. The phone makes that difficult – even though my friends and I have a system called “I don’t mind if you don’t” whereby we get on with whatever we were doing, and announce, “Gotta put you down, right back” for toilet breaks. Thankfully there are only 3 of us who do that lol!
I am a very social person, but I prefer to have the option of ending a conversation when I want, the phone doesn’t let you do that…..
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Totally agree Mia, my phone is on silent as I scroll through these comments nodding my head in agreement. I’ll be flicking over to FB & Twitter shortly! But I still live a phone call from family & friends, for as much as I love my technology, an email, Twitter update or FB chat doesn’t convey tone so I’m not sure how much my girlfriend loves her new job/house/pet until I talk to her! Oh and I miss the unannounced drop in, I used to love it as a child, maybe I should ask my mum what she thought when I call her tonight!
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Ditto, ditto, ditto! So glad I’m not an orphan here. Most of my communcation these days is done by texting or emailing. The idea of actually picking up the telephone these days is a thing I do out of sheer necessity. A friend of mine was lamenting the other day about how people just don’t ring and talk any more (not sure if she was having a dig as she is always the one to ring me and I only get back to her after she has left a message!) I don’t know what it is but I do find myself avoiding face to face communcation more and more. I like people, I work as a hairdresser so have to talk all day in my job so maybe that’s it, with technology available today we don’t have to make phone calls. Also they take up so much time, especially when you say just going to have a quit chat which turns into an hour and a half whinge about life/love/work to whomever I am talking. Too bad if I’m anti-social, when I come home it’s my time and texting and e-mailing is easier and quicker and can be just as friendly I say. My nieces are forever on msn and texting but they still have good social skills and can communicate well.
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I’m not so keen on talking on the phone anymore. I lived on the phone in my early 20s. Would talk for hours every night but now? It’s a gross invasion of my time for anything other than a quick call to check details on plans or whatever. I did know a girl for a while would ring me at 8:30 on a Sunday night from time to time jsut as I was settling down for sunday night TV. Rude. I want my evenings quiet. I don’t want to talk. I’ll email if I’m wanting to communicate.
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What a timely post. Not 5 minutes ago was I fighting the urge to throw my cell phone out the window because it was ringing.
I hate talking on the phone. I hate it. Eh I hate it so much.
I love texting and I love face-to-face..but the phone is so awful. And it causes me great pain when some dumbass people in my life refuse to understand. I tell them constantly…I dont like the phone..please..text me…I hate the phone.SO you know what they do? Never reply my texts..always call..and get cheesed off that I never speak to them. TEXT ME for heavens sake.
I’m also like you Mia. I love writing. Writing is my passion in life.
I dont care if my social skills are now fucked because of technology. I dont give a damn what anyone thinks. I just wont answer their calls
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I can totally relate, Mia.
I think, like everything else in life, it’s about trying to find the right balance.
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Gig, so you’ll know me when we meet up for that drink, I’ll be the guy holding the Yellow Pages….
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ah yes! I am with you on this Mia, I am a social butterfly in person, but once Millie is in bed and I am on the couch with the hubby and a glass of wine, the sound of the phone ringing makes my heart stop, and my first thought is ‘OH nooo’ followed closely by ‘i hope this is for him’. I felt bad about that till I read your piece! PHEW x
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Ok, I love a chat on the phone. But my one pet hate is that phone feature calls fucking waiting. You are having a good chat and you hear the ‘beep beep’ in the background and the person you’re talking to has to put you on old to get rid of them and arrange to call them back. Or they dont put you on hold and the person keeps ringing and ringing the beeps keeps beeping. It is soooooo annoying and sooooo rude. I dont have it on my landline because I hate it. So if you call me amd I’m on the phone it will be engaged.
My other pet hate is the people who call you on the mobile, knowing you could be ANYWHERE and dive straight into lengthy conversation.
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I never answer the home phone, I am a screener. Once I know who is leaving the message I decide if I want to/have time to talk and go from there. One of my friends (who is totally awesome) knows how to chat. The minimum I can talk to her is an hour or so, if either of us doesn’t have time we text instead of call. When we have our lengthy chats we iron, works well.
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*love* your columns Mia!
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This is so reassuring to read all these comments and to know that I am not the only one who hates the sound of the phone ringing! I thought I was becoming some sort of social hermit!!
By the time my daughter has had dinner, bath, story and is asleep the last thing I feel like doing is talking on the phone.
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I agree so much with your opening paragraph. My mobile is always on silent, and my landline is usually left off the hook. This bothered both friends and family at first; now they regard it as an annoying eccentricity, or a sign that I’ve totally lost the plot.
I also find phone calls intrusive. Emailing ahead of time to schedule sounds like good ettiquette to me. Unless it’s urgent I do this with suppliers as well; outline the issue or requirement so by the time we talk, if we actually have to, there is no wasted chat and paper shuffling.
I agree, IrishLaura, it is always interrupting, as I’m always doing something, even if it’s nothing.
In the event of needing to take a call my ring tone is that zen-like Nokia tranquility tone. You almost rather listen to it than answer the call. The best feature of my landline is caller ID.
Thankfully my avoidance of voice to voice communication isn’t completely alienating me from my clients. Email is a superb way to conduct my particular business, and also, more and more, deliver product.
My previous lack of enthusiasm for Facebook is giving way to whole-hearted acceptance. Last week I gained a new client from FB. He sent a friend request, I replied amiably, ‘do I even know you?’ It turns out we played in a show some years back.
Thanks to FB’s chat thingy we were able to have a great talk at some odd late hour. He subsequently emailed the files, I emailed them back a day later; he showed the appropriate amount of respect to my bank account. All without a damned awkward phone call.
I suppose he could have looked me up in the White Pages, but being a younger chap, he probably didn’t know what that was.
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The internet can be your best friend but can also be your worst enemy. We seclude ourselves in our own houses, texting and twittering..we keep up to date with our friends by checking their facebook profile. Our phones are on silent because we can’t be bothered to talk anymore!!
But then there is the other side to it..we learn so much from this huge information tool and you hear so many happy stories of people meeting future wives and husbands via internet.
Anyway, I’m going to take a break and CALL my friend to say happy birthday!!
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I found this a very interesting topic Mia, definetly relevant to a online group of friends that are Mamamia addicts=) I can’t stand phone calls, there aren’t enough hours in the day for chit-chat sometimes, and a quick text to let someone know you are thinking of them is often appreciated just the same, don’t you think? In fact, I might go and shoot off some sweet messages now..or call my mum =)
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I am definitely losing my social skills. I think it’s partly because of technology, as you have outlined above – but it’s also part of getting older, having less time, and becoming less tolerant (ie. choosing not to speak to the people I don’t really want to, rather than making polite chit chat like I used to when I was younger).
Like you, I am a texter, a twitterer and an emailer. I’ve always been happier to write then to converse – although like many others, I am very social in face to face situations. Can I tell you the thing I hate the most? You text someone to arrange something or ask a question, and…. THEY CALL YOU. Immediately. Because they can’t be bothered writing back. In this situation I usually yell loudly at the phone: “WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?!”, and then spend the next 10 seconds muttering and swearing before answering the phone begrudgingly.
Yep, I’m definitely losing it.
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Nica, i totally feel your pain – Phones are by definition rude!! If my phone rings and I don’t pick up, people get annoyed because im not ‘contactable’. But if my phone rings and i DO pick up, i have to drop everything and talk. And when exactly is a good time to receive a phone call? I’m always doing something! So a phone call is always interrupting something!!
I actually used to feel more strongly about this than i do now haha…
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Hello all…Mia’s not at the computer this arvo so asked me to do an emergency cull of the not-so-nice comments that appeared here earlier. That included the related replies (which obviously are out of context if the original comments are not there) so, if your comment has vanished, that’s why!
FYI – the three original racist comments that were deleted were all from the same person under different names. Just one trouble-maker, who has now been banned. Thanks everyone for jumping on it and thanks Amanda for alerting me and helping to sort. Normal transmission now resumed! – MIA
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Be it electronic or real life, I love to socilise.
Both at the same time is a tad full on, but I need both in my lif like blood and oxygen.
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I found myself totally agreeing with your anti-social points Mia. In fact, I’ve decided to see a doctor about my increasing social anxiety disorder when I get home from overseas.
Your 100% right, technology is pushy but it’s so very brilliant as well. We can take our time, convey EXACTLY what we want and pick and choose when to do it.
I don’t answer my phone when it rings but if I do, I think its rude when people call me and expect to talk. Period. Believe me when I say, I know how ridiculous that sounds but I think its all part of anti-social behaviour. Not sure if it has anything to do with Technology but it’s definately an interesting angle.
Keep up the good work!
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Mia I’m so glad I’m not the only one like this – I’ve also always preferred writing (all my life) and have almost developed a phone phobia now, except with my parents, sister and husband. I was starting to think I was a freak LOL I’m absolutely fine (actually quite outgoing) in face to face social situations (if I can muster the gumption to GO) but would rather eat my own hair than pick up the phone to call a friend when I could email them instead. It’s also far more convenient especially with 3 children who seem to have no concept of how NOT to interrupt if I’m on the phone, and lets me also keep track of conversations in a way, making sure I’m up to date with people and what’s happening with them. I also have lots of “satellite friends” (what a fab description) and a few select close ones I put more energy into. Just glad I’m not alone
)
Oh and yes, when someone’s upset me I’ve also always written it all down rather than risk getting overly-emotional and shouty in real life. My grandfather’s sage advice was to do this and then burn the letter but I’ve not always been able to stick to that, eeek.
On a related note check out this fab website for those os us passive-aggressive enough to always feel the need to leave a note ;o) Most are just laugh-out-loud hilarious!
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
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Right on Mia.
I am not a frequent use of the text or email etc… This is a stretch for me.
The other day an old friend of mine was back in her hometown. She lives and works in Sydney, high flyer and all that. We were catching up that evening and needed to sort out the details. I was going to “call her”- god forbid, but I was actually driving right past her parents home that afternoon, so I did the “pop in”!! She nearly wet herself with laughter. She couldn’t believe I had te gumption to pop in un announced. I had no intention of going inside, just there to relay a message. She said that NO WAY would you ever do that in Sydney. She said she was grateful to be brought back down to earth and said it was one of the reasons she loves getting back home. I don’t think she was too happy though.
I am a slow text messager so it is faster for me to call someone. I like to be a keeper of the old ways!
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Mia, my biggest fear as a youth of today is pretty much confirmed through this column, my sister’s addiction to facebook and msn to the point of ignoring voice conversations and my inability and blatant fright at the thought of ommunication with the opposite sex on a face-to-face basis makes me wonder about my future children. I similarly, have a knack for decoding e-mails, sms and posts to the point of insanity and have always thought I was merely overthinking. I now wonder, however, that not including LOL in a response to a friend would be considered rude or friendship shattering to a myriad of people.
I concur greatly with your division between importance and immediacy but the thought of not responding to an sms immediately gives me heart palpitations far more than excusing myself from a conversation to do so. Why have we let ourselves become so shameless? And if we truly wanted to, could we stop it?
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My apologies Stacie – bad timing for you that comment came straight after the other nasty one, I just assumed that you were all the same person – of course you are entitled to have an opinion.
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Hey Mia, my 5yo son writes or draws me notes all the time when he is angry at me often big hearts with crosses through them – ouch.
I can’t imagine life without texting or email. I think it allows you to think about what you need to say. I am often guilty of foot in mouth errors and it helps minimise my damage.
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There are some people who I prefer to text or email. Simply because when I speak to them there is always THE latest drama. That is so draining and time consuming and the conversation is always about them. By the time they even think to ask about me I forget anyting that I have been up to and just want to get off the bloody phone. So Mia, I get it with some people!
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I was anti-social to start with. Hate talking on the phone. Awkward. I’m much more eloquent on Facebook/instant messenger/texting.
So thank you, Technology, for opening up my lines of communication!
And did anyone else think the first two trolls on this comment thread were the same person?
(And troll = trolling for bites, not living under a bridge)
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And for the record, I LOVE Poh
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Yes TheRealSydney thanks for getting things back on a happier path : )
I can relate. I do get anxious when the phone rings for some reason. I don’t have time for random convos like I did in my teen years. I Love seeing my friends face to face but not so much on the phone anymore.
But I am also old fashioned! I don’t do facebook or twitter. I love sending people cards… and call my freinds who are scattered across the nation a call once a week.
But I think its because I only have a few friends. I don’t have lots of satellite friends as I call them. I could never keep up with heaps of people. some of my friends have 100 friends on face book. I count my best freinds on one hand and invest my time/ energy on them.
It does put me at a disadvantage. I do miss out on invites and extending my friendship group and I have lost contact with some friends.
I see it as quality not quantity!
Over all there is definitely a social evolution going on. I am not sure what it will mean for children of this generation …. What there social skills may be like??
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excuse me RealSydney, I did not say anything wrong. I just said Mia’s blog used to be a lot more interesting. I still like it though… im not dissing her, it was just an opinion. PLEASE let me have my opinion!
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Re: This entry, you’ve always been a great writer I guess Mia! It is a LOT easier to end conversations in the digital world or tune them out if you don’t like them. I’m the same about phone calls, my sister calls me every day which I love but I am usually up to my elbows in bub bathwater etc, and rush over to the phone and say “Can’t talk right now!” We are better communicators as women which is why we talk for longer
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‘The act of committing words to paper or a screen helps me to organise my thoughts and articulate them more clearly’ – exactly, Mia. I like the less confrontational aspect of it, if someone pisses you off with what they say, or you do vice versa, no one ends up with a black eye, maybe a bruised ego, but that is not always a bad thing, either.
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Mia, great article and I’m sure there are a lot of people who can relate. I’m a writer as well and I’ve always preferred to write than talk, to the point where I started to get anxious about talking to people. It got pretty serious for a while. I got uptight when the phone rang or when I knew I had to speak in meetings, and just in conversation generally I would sometimes get nervy, and my doctor actually told me I had a social phobia. It’s really common apparently, I guess in part because of the way we communicate now – less personal, more efficient. There are ways to manage yourself out of it pretty easily should you ever tip over to weird levels of social avoidance!
But seriously what is going on with the Poh hate?
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Aaanyway – yes I can relate !! Writing is a large part of my job – I can actually type almost as fast as I can think, so email is my preferred channel.
I went through a crazy Facebook stage but now so over it, I actually miss events because I haven’t logged on to check my invitations! C’mon people – give me a call or drop me a text to invite me to your birthday drinks !!!
And never done the Twitter thing – interestingly a recent paper written by a 15yo Morgan Stanley intern suggested that Twitter (and alot of other social media) is for ‘old people’
http://www.news.com.au/business/story/0,27753,25780648-462,00.html
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mia, once again, loved your column on Sunday…my fave part of the paper…not sure why nasty people are making posts about an incredible AUSTRALIAN woman on masterchef…can’t wait for mia to get rid of them or something…
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I dunno i like both – come on Mia! Your blog used to be so much more interesting!
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Mia, I read this in the paper on Sunday and it sounded like a description of me too! It is definitely only since I had kids – I used to loooove chatting on the phone to friends. I think it boils down to two things. 1) Time pressure: because we all have less time to chat on the phone these days (mine is due to the kids), I speak to my friends less often. So there is loads to catch up on when we do. So I can’t just call when I have 5 mins to spare because, as you said, there is too much to talk about. The problem is that if a half hour (at minimum) stretch of free time ever did present itself, I would probably take the phone off the hook, rather than actually call anyone. Because peace and quiet is the ultimate sanctuary and if you got that for a short time, why would you ruin it???
I also tend not to pick up the phone because quite frankly it is stressful trying to have a conversation with someone on the phone whilst CONSTANTLY being interrupted (kids 5,3,1). So in the end I just figure I will have any conversations necessary after they go to bed. And of course by then, I’m so busy enjoying the lack of human voices……i don’t even think about picking up the phone!
And yep – also love my friends and family, and in person am very social!
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I can totally relate! I HATE the telephone with a passion. I actually never answer calls. My friends don’t bother calling anymore. In person, great, but on the phone I am terrible.
What about Skype? What a nightmare!!!
However, with emails and texts, I am a level A communicator!
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