Love her, hate her partner.
Ever had a friend whose partner you couldn’t stand? There are different levels of this. There are those who you just don’t get along with and then there are those who you worry are really bad news for your friend.
Either way, it can be awkward and compromising and can do untold damage to your friendship.
Louse* has just such a problem and would love some Group Therapy….
What do you do when you’re not particularly fond of your best friend’s partner? Do you “suck it up” and let her go, or have you said something ?
My best friend has been with a fellow for a few years now, off and on. Currently it’s “on” and looks like staying that way.
When they first met they were just friends as he was married, but after he and his wife split, they eventually got together and were a couple for about a year. Then his wife had second thoughts and wanted to come home. So, he took her back and my girlfriend went back to being single.
A few months later, his wife left again and he called my friend and they got back together. Again.
I’ve stood by her and supported her through all of this too-ing and fro-ing because she loves him, but he gives me the creeps and I’m not the only one who feels this way. A group of us have been out to dinner a few times and without any prompting from me, there were comments on just how uncomfortable he made the other girls feel and what a control freak he was/is.
He ordered for her, looked at her disapprovingly while she was eating (she’s no slob) and got into these little in-jokes, as if no-one else was at the table. He even books their holidays away, and ignores her wishes of when they go….and whenever I’m at her place and he turns up, I feel like I’m an intruder…Even my boyfriend finds him a bit strange, and that’s significant coming from another male. So, has anyone else been in this or a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it ?
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I was going to ask Mia to post something similar for group therapy, so I know how you feel.
You can’t win because your friend will always choose the boyfriend (or as in the case of my friend, marry him and have his child). If you let her know you disapprove of him and his controlling ways, chances are that her partner is going to find out about it and then say that you are a bad influence and she can’t be friends with you anymore. So if you want to keep the friend, you have to accept it and just keep reinforcing for her that she is strong and beautiful and if she needs to talk, you’re there for her.
Mia described an emotionally abusive relationship in her book (I’ve just started it) and said that she had to distance herself from her friends and family. Mia – I would be interested to know – did your friends say anything? Did they disapprove of Charlie? How did you react to that?
I’m in a similar situation so much so that I’ve sort of had to let this friend go for the time being. I don’t hate the guy but I’m not his biggest fan either. He is pessimistic and I think he feeds her with a lot of negative ideas about me, so she looks at me differently now. She’s obviously influenced by him – they’ve been married for almost 10 years now. In a battle between bestie and the hubby, of course the hubby is going to win. They like me to tell them to their face when I have an issue with them, but when and if I do, they get offended. They expect me to understand their situation about being busy with kids blah blah blah, but when I am busy they say I’m “not keen” to meet up with them etc etc. I can’t win! So I’m just going to let them be. The ball is in her court.
eugh, i’m in your situation! my best friend is dating a complete jerk for the 3RD TIME in less than 2 years, pretty much everyone else i know can’t stand him. he creeps me and my girlfriends out, my guy friends find him really odd but she claims he loves her and he’s in it for the ‘right reasons’. she knows how i feel about it and how much all the rest of her friends can’t stand him but she doesn’t care. she says she loves him and that’s enough. i can’t stand him, despite the fact he goes to my school (i’m in grade 10, i know it doesn’t matter on a hugely high level) and thus i have to see him every day. she doesn’t. i’m not the only one to say she wouldn’t want to date him if she saw him in that light. he’s older than both of us and he’s into younger girls, like, even some of the more slutty grade 7’s!! it’s just wrong!! i’ve held myself together and i tend to avoid spending time with them, all of my friends, guys and girls avoid situations where we are with them. it’s so third wheel it’s not funny… she’s met me in town and brought him along without telling me more than once, even when i request him not to be there specifically. she’s changing and really letting me down over him. i would never put a guy before her and i feel like that’s what she’s doing to me. our friendship isn’t the same and won’t be until they break up and NEVER go out again. it sounds like you have a much worse situation as your older and it seems your friend’s intending him to be around for a while… just watch out for her and spend time with your other friends or try getting her without him, like a girls only night with your girlfriends. best wishes to you and i hope she sees sense or it gets better in any way possible. it’s horrible to feel like your losing someone you love that much over someone else.
xxx