A boyfriend with trust issues.
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Here’s a word of warning: be careful what you confess to your current partner about your former life. He may not always react well. That’s what happened to one MM reader when she made what she thought was a harmless confession to her partner and he freaked out.
Jasmin writes…
I have a bit of a (possibly trivial) relationship drama that I’m confused about. So in an attempt to cover all bases, I thought I would send you a quick email, in the hope that you could maybe throw my dilemma to the MM community…Last weekend, I admitted to my boyfriend of 3 years that I once had fleeting feelings for a male friend of mine. My boyfriend, not being the most secure of people, always had an issue with me hanging out with this other guy, even though we were JUST FRIENDS. Because we were JUST FRIENDS, I always reassured him that there wasn’t anything going on, because there honestly wasn’t, apart from my passing teenage crush, which was never ever acted upon by either Male Friend or myself.
Now, after devastating my poor boyfriend, he feels like he can’t trust me any more. He has forbidden me from making any contact at all with Male Friend, which I am really sad about, and when I mentioned to him that I was going out with the girls this Saturday night for innocent dinner and cocktails, he told me that he didn’t want me going out for drinks because I couldn’t be trusted around alcohol and (possibly) other boys…..
I responded to this (in the nicest of ways, all while trying not to lose my shit), by asking HOW I could POSSIBLY earn his trust without being put in situations where I had to act responsible and trustworthy (not that dinner and drinks with the girls is exactly a risky situation).
Let me ask you…….How much is too much? Where do I draw the line between showing him that I’m 100% committed by sacrificing a good friend for his benefit, and letting him know that he is stopping me from living my life/seeing my friends/having fun, and may as well put me on a leash??
HELP!
This raises a few interesting issues. Can men and women be friends? Can you get past having feelings for someone and settle into a friendship? And how much is too much to confess to a partner?
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Being a guy i know how a male mind works (at least mine) and i can honestly say without hesitation that there is NO WAY i can be ‘just friends’ with a girl, but i may use that excuse to get closer to her, but all the while knowing i want a lot more than ‘just friendship’. And i feel some empathy for the poor naive girl who insists that she’s ‘just friends’ with some guy, because, i don’t know how a female mind works but i wouldn’t be surprised if their wanting of only friendship is genuinely sincere or if they’re fooling themselves in the hopes of fooling someone else
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I disagree Ali (although I am coming at the situation from a female perspective).
I have plenty of male friends who are, and always have been, JUST FRIENDS.
One of my best friends in the whole world is male, and while I did initially have feelings for him when we first met, this has long since passed. We’ve been friends for probably 5 years now, and there is no doubt in my mind that we are just friends – from both of our perspectives.
He talks to me like a male mate, and I sometimes talk to him like a girlfriend – getting the male perspective.
In regards to the actual post though, I think that whole situation sucks – and I’ve been there. You need to find a way to get him to trust you again, because without that trust you cannot live your life … and if this relationship does eventually break down, you’ll have burnt all the bridges that would pick you back up again. There needs to be a balance.
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