GROUP THERAPY: When good friends go bad….
Welcome to Group Therapy where you get to exchange wisdom with others in the Mamamia community.
Today's question is about toxic friendship….
Amy* writes……
I have been friends with this particular person for about 5/6 years.
We were best friends and I also became quite close to her family. But
over the years she has been very controlling and demanding. When I met
and moved in with my now fiancee she hit the roof and started causing
all sorts of problems. She went after my fiancee's friends and said
that she could have what I have.
We have had many falling out's for which she has never taken any
responsibility for and I have always been the bigger person and
patched things up. There are way too many instances to go through
about what she has done but you can only imagine what it would be
like, with everything revolving around her and having someone trying
to control your life.
As we weren't friends when I became engaged naturally I didn't ask her
to be part of the bridal party. As we patched things up a few months
ago, she started hijacking the planning of our wedding and we have
since had another falling out. I have decided enough is enough and I
don't want to continue having all this trouble in my life. I have
decided not to invite her to the wedding but would have liked her
parents to be there but at the end of the day she is their daughter
and I don't think it would be appropriate to invite them.
Am I doing the right thing and how do I stay strong and not keep
giving in to her all the time and keep patching things up?
*name changed
Over to you. How can Amy avoid being sucked back into the drama of her controlling friend and stay focused on her own happiness?
If you have a problem that could benefit from some collective wisdom, you can anonymously email it here….
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When his ex-girlfriend is still part of his life. And yours.
What is your pay-off in all this? What do you get from allowing this ‘friend’ to come into your life and selfishly make demands off you? I know what you are going through. I have been in that situation, and am still in that situation. There is something there from this friend that can’t allow you to severe ties with her completely. Otherwise, you would have told her to efff off long ago. If it’s simply reasurrance you want from us that you are doing the right thing not inviting her to your wedding, then you have it. You have every right not to want her in your life at all if that is what you want. Don’t feel guilty!! Invite her parents though, and explain to them that you love them but cannot tolerate their daughter. They’ll probably understand anyway.
Good article.
But I still believe in true friendship for all my life!
Hey Justineinlondon, I would send the presents back, you have known this person long enough to judge her motives and I would go with your gut instinct.
If you have made it clear that you dont want to be friends and like in my case that means no contact then you have to stick your ground, otherwise they will find a way to creep back into your life.
Isn’t it sad that these people still cant even respect your decision to move forward!
Hi, I have had 3 friends like this. All three were in different categories of self-harm (sex addict, petty crime & abuse). It came to a point where my reputation, sanity and my work was being affected. I was emotionally drained and the late nights of bringe drinking took it’s toll. In the end I took a step back, decided where I wanted to be in 5 years and decided these situations were not going to help me get there. I just stopped being their shoulder to cry on & started looking after myself. Three years on, my friends have new lives, families and new confidence. Ask yourself, Where do I want to be 5-10 years from now? Is this person’s problems going to hamper or benefit my efforts? Goodluck.
Wow Justine this sounds exactly like something my ‘friend’ did to me. The problem is because there has obviously been so much crap that has gone on you don’t know whether she is being sincere or not.
I learnt that you need to trust your gut feeling & if u think she’s doing it for the wrong reasons she probably is. Maybe send her an email saying thank you but you don’t think it’s appropriate for her to keep sending the gifts.
They’re such horrible situations to be in aren’t they.
Hi
I too have cut a few frienemies from my life over the years… the last one was about 12 months ago. I hope someone can help with my continuing problem with her.
After a long time I finally woke up and said enough to myself. I tired with this girl, turned the other cheek etc but one day I had just had enough.
The problem is we both have kids and she sends birthday gifts to my children from her kids.
Am I supposed to acknowledge the presents. If so, how? So far my husband has sent her husband a ‘thank you’ email to her husband to which he replied, ‘dont thank me, it’s my wife who organised and sent the present.’
I just dont want to go anywhere near the girl. Its too bloody hard with this person. She is an energy saper to say the least. Its just never gonna work with us as friends.
The synic in me says she’s sneding the gifts so she still appears the ‘bigger’ and better person. But what she has done to me in the past is beyond forgiving or forgetting for me. I just wish she’d go away.
Is she the bigger and better person? Is it OK for me to still want nothing to do with her even if she does insist on sending birthday gifts to my kids? ARGH!
A friendship ended 5 yrs ago for me, it was very difficult at the time, I did send her an email explaining how I felt and how hurt I had been over the years by things she had said and the way she had made me feel, like you said Amy all those things add up and you get to the point of no return.
Unfortunately this ‘friend’ didn’t accept my decision to move on and I was forced to cut all contact.
Since that friendship has ended, I have never felt better, it was almost a liberating experience, I think it has matured me alot & made me a stronger person, occasionally I do think about her & wonder what would have been but I know in my heart I am truly happy & I’m not willing to let ‘anyone’ take that away from me again.
I’ve been both sides of this one. Several years ago I broke off contact with a friend right after I had my first baby after realising how damaging cotinuing the friendship would be. I saw both sides though, and think that it was equally as negative for her. Still, maybe had I not been so sleep deprived I could have managed it better.
Then last year I was ‘dumped’ by friend (through another friend, and we are almost 40…) because I hadn’t been there for her in the last few years. Possibly true as I had 3 kids in 4 years and pretty much did nothing that didn’t need to be done. It was about self preservation for me at that time. I also felt that she hadn’t been there for me but was ok with that as I assumed that after a 25 year friendship eventually we’d find some way to reconnect. So that’s the way a really long and for a long time really close friendship ended. Over it? Not so much. Nothing nasty happened so I don’t really know why the dumping needed to be so dramatic.
Stephanie – I don’t think any of the comments are reflective of ‘randomly cutting people out of your life’ – but sometimes friends bring too much negativity and pain into your life. So whilst I am not keen to be randomly cutting people out of my life, if someone does something that affects my life, then my priority is me & my feelings … NOT them & their feelings.
I think it’s a little sad that you can’t understand how a friend could affect your whole life – some of us are close enough to our girlfriends that they are a part of every aspect of our lives …. my falling out with my friend affected me in a way that impacted every part of my life – cutting someone near and dear to you out of your life is heart wrenching.
You mention a partner who hurts you and scares you daily – this seems like much more of a concern to me, than the character flaws you feel that some of us have. Good luck with your relationship.
Miss Manley, Stephanie and anonforthis1, lovley to see some positive opinions showing compassion and understanding. You sound like lovely people
Stephanie, i think you’ll find that many of the comments recommended trying to make the person aware of their behaviour first and then, only if this doesn’t work, cutting them out. Not randomly or with no second chances. You’ve obviously had a bad experience, and i’m sorry for that, but i don’t think that is what was being suggested.
When i said ‘overall negative effect’ i didn’t mean they were effecting every aspect of your life – i meant you will have great memories and not-so-great memories with that person, but when you think about them ‘overall’ are they good for you?
I hope that makes more sense!
MissManly and anonforthis1 – thank you – all I have to say really – just nice to know that there are others out there on the same wavelength , not just rnadomly cutting people out of their lives because they are ‘hard work’ or ‘being stupid right now’. aquaintences sure – yeah – abandon away – but everyone at the moment seems so keen to be rid of ANYONE who does anythign that goes against their unwritten and unknown code, with no second chances, no words but those of the worst kind…amy yes, in your case I’d say let her go, but let her know why, just so its a clean ‘break’ if nothing else, be dignified about it.
see – I don’t understand how a friend can have an overall negative effect on your life – how do they get involved in EVERYTHING? Partners,yes, am fighting that battle at the moment, but am not cutting him out, even though he hurts me and scares me daily – yet HE is more than this, just this, he is a three demensional person who has good times and bad times and to me, people, are worth it long term, pretty much no matter what. As long as i can talk to them about it and they understand why I’m upset or hurt, and the same applies the other way. Sorry about the long ramble.
Just to clarify, i use the word ‘toxic friend’ to describe a person who has an overall negative effect on your life. I admit i am surprised that there are so many people who have had experiences with friends like this, but i think the term definately applies in Amy*’s case.
But whatever term you use, i think we agree that if someone is making you feel bad (and they are not going to change) then it is time to let that person go – there are plenty of other great people out there.
It’s just a natural part of life that as we grow and change so do our friendships- school friends, uni friends, work friends etc. When a friendship is no longer contributing in a positive way to your life it’s best to move on.
Hmmm…I suggest looking up narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. Might explain some things and allow you to feel pity rather than anger.
Lies and causing trouble is what I call “intentionally malicious’. A genuine effort to cause damage is a no no. It IS time to let go.
Hi MissManly, understand ur need for more info, the problem is I could go on all day. I have in fact given this ‘friend’ about 4 good chances to patch things up. When I say she went after my fiancee’s friends, she hooked up with them, yes which is their business, but then started telling them lies and trying to cause trouble between my fiancee and his friends. It got quite messy.
A couple of examples and then I’ll stop. She told me that I could have her old ‘fat clothes’ because they’d fit me now. She also told me that I only loved my fiancee because he ‘had a nice house’. Seems silly, but those things hurt. So many little things that all built up inside.
I agree when you say time to (gently) let go. No need to be nasty, just time to move on.
Hmm…isn’t it amazing that despite Amy hardly disclosing any facts, despite that the friend in question wants too much say in the wedding, everyone have formed an opinion that the friend is ‘toxic’ and must be dropped immediately?
To be honest, I need more information.
I also detest the word ‘toxic’. It is a bit of a modern jargon which is abused by everyone. Do you guys even know what it means?
Check the web – the definitions are plentiful. Everyone so helpfully comes up with their own. Interestingly, when describing ‘5 traits of toxic people’, some of them sound pretty toxic themselves.
It is also interesting that everyone seemed to know someone who is toxic. Everyone? What about you then? The chances are someone out there is saying the same thing about you, if toxic people are so prevalent.
In my humble opinion, the person needs to be intentionally malicious to be branded toxic. Or narcissistic in a clinical sense. A lot of personality issues are just a lack of awareness of their actions and other emotional intelligence skills.
Amy says ’she went after my fiance’s friends’. I need more understanding of this sentence…Was she trying to hook up with some of them? Well, that’s really her own business. Your fiance’s friends have free will…
Look, friends are not just for the good times. They are not resident entertainers. Like everyone else in your life, they will make you happy and they will make you sad. Everyone goes through a dark period in their life, including a period of being an ass. A good friend will tactfully point that out, and give them a chance to understand what effect they have on people.
Without knowing too much about your circumstances, you are obviously not sure what to do, it is not all black and white, otherwise you would not be asking these questions. Have you ever actually told the girl how she makes you feel? Perhaps you could give that one last go. If she refuses to acknowledge any responsibility for how bad things have become between you, and only blames you – well, then it is time to (gently) let go.
Life is too short to be around people who are hard work.
I cut my maid of honour out of the wedding party (and my life completely, unfortunately that meant loosing her husband as a friend who my partner and I loved) 2 weeks before the wedding. Best decision I ever made. She was extremely controlling, not surprisingly they are now separated.
Maintaining a friendship with the parents will be hard, good luck if you choose that path.
From the perspective of someone that has been broken up with, without the opportunity to state their case, I’d like to suggest that you do in fact write her a letter or try to explain how she makes you feel.
If your friend still doesn’t change her ways or try to mend the friendship then you know she’s really not worth being in your life.
I still think about the friend that cut off all contact with me, almost daily. My feelings range from anger, thinking he’s a fool for not listening to me and then feeling that I must be a terrible worthless person for being able to be cut out of someone’s life without a second thought.
If nothing else remember the good times you had with your friend and try to end the relationship (if that’s what you decide) with a little dignity for you both.
The wonderful Mamamia community never ceases to amaze me!
I just want to say thank you everyone for their great comments, it really has all been weighing on my mind for quite some time. I felt like I was only 90% of the way to cutting off the friendship but it is amazing what support from complete strangers can do!
Here’s cheers to staying strong and to all the wonderful and beautiful friends we have in our lives!
Sometimes, friends don’t even have to be toxic – they can be lazy, indifferent or you can grow apart and have completely different interests, morals and values, and you just have to let them go.
Cut all communication with her.
Be ready for confrontation. If you have no choice, tell her upfront that you no longer want her in your life.
Then sit back and enjoy the great feeling of taking control of your life after breaking up with your toxic friend =]
The situation sounds pretty horrible, I’ll give you that one, and a difficult one to get out of – have you tried writing a letter to her, if she still means a lot to you, if you want to patch things up, then that is always an option – you can write several drafts, explain how you feel properly. If you don’t want to patch it up, fine, move on and there is NOTHING wrong with inviting her parents to your wedding. Is your wedding after all, and they would appreciate the gesture even if they feel like they can’t come.
But can i just comment as a recently ‘dumped’ friend here – i was called all manner of names, Toxic being among the most hurtful and often the people doing the ‘dumping’ seem to think that is ok. Its not. Its enough that someone is losing your frindship – if its because you feel like they need you too much, or you just don’t get along or the gamet of reasons in between, but for gods sake do it gracefully – let your friends drift and become more distant. It wouldn’t be ok to call someone a conniving b***h so why is it ok to call them toxic…people can only effect you as much as you let them in the end. to me it just felt cruel, when i felt like i had offered nothing but friendship to have every insult in the book thrown at me, that was the one that stayed. Not because i thought it was true but because of what it implies.
And since what stage of our development did it become ok to just ‘dump’ friends – as i said, let them drift, move on, it happens, people change, but this new ‘dumping of toxic people out of my life’ syndrome is going to really hurt some people who don’t deserve it along the way, who may have been far better off with just being let go, without the hurt. On both sides I think. Sorry. Am all for a new life and moving on, but not all for calling people hurtful names in the process and injuring their sense of self and spirit.
so, yes, move on, gently, let her know by just letting go – thats ok- you’re allowed to grow past or away from people.
Lu, its just crazy isn’t it. It makes me feel sorry for people who do that kinda thing. Are they just insecure? Or selfish? I really don’t know. Why couldn’t she say congratulations and ask how your baby was?
The worst happened when a mutual friend died in an accident. Our entire grade and community was shocked and grieving and this ‘friend’ managed to position herself as her best friend and causing big, dramatic scenes about losing her soulmate, best friend ever, etc. It caused a lot of pain to family and friends but everyone was struggling with the grief so much we didn’t know how to handle it, we couldn’t quite grasp it WAS happening – that people do react like that in times of genuine tragedy and loss.
Oh yes. Like Han, I had a wedding that in the do-over would definitely not have involved a former best friend of mine, that and having Tom Jones gyrate in my face during vows.
I had moved interstate and kept up a phone relationship while undergoing the process of meeting my husband-to-be, and having a baby. She meanwhile was still living the toxic life we used to lead.
When we decided to get married overseas she was the only friend I invited to the wedding. I will not go into all the details, but she completely destroyed any good memories I could have had of that wedding and was so incredibly unsupportive and a liar throughout. Anyway…
The point is, do not let it get to the point of ruining your wedding, as your memories of it will be tarnished. If only I had had the guts to break up with her long before, as I always dreaded having to ring her as she seemed so self-centred and draining of my energy when I had so much else I had to deal with.
Oh what a relevant topic for me! I stopped talking to one of my closest friends almost a year ago. It still pains me to this day. But despite the fact that I mourn the loss of the good bits of our friendship, I don’t miss the bad.
Firstly, if you do decide to end your friendship, be prepared to lose friends you were both connected with. Unfortunately I’ve lost two additional ‘friends’ as a consequence of ending that friendship.
Ultimately, do I regret that I stopped talking to her? Nope. But I do regret the way I handled ‘the break-up’. I should have met up with her and told her face to face why she had upset me (over the years) and why I needed to end the friendship. I am left now feeling like there’s unfinished business. I guess that’s one of my many life lesson’s learned!
To me, she sounds like a master in manipulation! I wonder if perhaps you need to write her a letter or something and explain why you’re doing what you’re doing so you’re getting some closure on the relationship. Do her parents understand how manipulative and unkind she has been? If you have a genuine friendship with them, could you explain to them that how you’ve felt about them and the family and that, although you don’t feel it would be appropriate to invite them (which I agree – it’s awkward to invite them and not the daughter), you do appreciate the friendship? That way, you acknowledge both the closeness with them, but the inappropriateness of inviting them without them being so hurt about not being invited. Just a thought…
It’s really hard to say goodbye to someone who has been such a big part of your life. I was very close friends with a girl for about 11 years. We were almost kindred spirits in so many ways, and we went through so many ups and downs together. I saw her lose other friends and go through so many jobs and problems at work, but it wasn’t until her kooky behaviour was aimed directly at me that the extent of her issues became very clear and it all ended in an ugly mess.
In hindsight, I can see her behaviour towards me was borne out of jealousy (like you, I was getting married and had just scored a really fantastic job, something both her and I had always dreamed of), but she did some things that completely turned my life upside down and were totally unforgivable. We had a huge fight, I uninvited her to our wedding, and we haven’t spoken since (with many awkward avoidance type arrangements when invited to the same functions). Still, four years on, there is hardly a day that goes past that I don’t think about her, or miss some facet of our friendship. I alternate between loathing her and wanting to scream, to more dillusional days when I consider we could be friends again.
Having said all that, I am very aware that my life is 100% better for the lack of drama and the energy that I feel she sucked out of me most of the time. Ending our friendship was the right thing to do. Just be prepared, as someone else said, you may be mourning the loss for a long time.
Urgh….she is a mentalist. Dust her!
Honestly, consider your life a book. Some central characters will be there from the start to the end. Others are there for some chapters only. End this chapter and move onto the next better one.
I made a decision years ago to rid my life of all negative people, who take more than they give. Life got so much better. To be honest, if you really dig deep you’ll probably find she was never a genuine friend anyway.
Feel better, focus on only postive people and experiences.
J
A friend is someone who takes pleasure in your happiness & success. Someone who creates unhappiness for you is, quite simply, not a friend.
Say goodbye.
Simple advice when determining who to invite to your wedding… do you expect that you will want to invite them to your birthday party in 20 years time… it was a great test in determining our wedding list… and hey, if you don’t want them in your life in 20 years time, why waste your time having them in your life now?
Simone P brilliant advice, thats the best analogy to describe it I think. Or maybe you can only drive at full-speed a semi trailer truck into a wall so many times.
Haven’t had time to read everyone’s comments Amy but I have had two VERY toxic friend experiences and I would say cut her out of your life immediately. In reference to the guilt you referred to, this is actually something toxic friends use against you to stay in your life. Think of all the things this girl has done to you…then think about one of your friends. Then think how would you expect that friend to react if you did those things to her?
Life is definitely too short. There are many warm and wonderful people out there and you should surround yourself with them and cut out the ones who aren’t. In my case it was initially amicable and I would encourage that if possible, but sometimes the only way you can break free is to be harsh, as it is the only way they will leave sometimes. The amount of time I wasted turning my head over and over wondering how this ‘friend’ could do such things and be so unaware of the pain she caused.
Best of luck to you x
Just be ready for when you run into her in the street. Pretend your phone is ringing.
I guess you could always emigrate
I had a similar problem a few years ago & the best piece of advice I received was that you can only bash your head against the wall so many times
Get rid of her.
I’ve had trouble with my friends this year as well… it always seems to happen to me.
These girls act exactly like the Plastics in the movie Mean Girls.
So I thought to myself “I left high school 3 years ago, I don’t need this crap”, and have since pulled right back from them. I’m still nice to them, and they’re nice to me… but it was just too much.
We don’t need crap like that from people who are our friends.
If they don’t act like your friend, then they’re not.
Ditch her, and don’t feel bad. Although that’s easier said than done.
She’s draining you. And if it were a sexual / loving relationship (with a guy, or another woman, if you’re that way inclined) I wonder if you would put up with it? Probably not. Or less likely to, I imagine.
A friendship should have the same rules.
i was best friends with a girl for 17 years. i had known her since she was less than 24hrs old and we had grown up together. then one day it was like she decided i wasnt good enough anymore. she turned tried to turn all our friends against me and it got to the point where my friends wouldnt talk to me when she was around but as soon as she left they would try and be my best friend.
when i look back on it i realise that the friendship was never good. i was always the one who would txt or want to catch up and she was the one who always seemed to have some lame excuse. sometimes she would even tell me she had to check what was on tv that night before we made plans together!
i would never put myself in a situation like that again. sometimes you need to bite the bullet and face up to the fact that the person you thought was good to you is actually the complete opposite.
even if you were to stay friends there would always be that lingering distrust…
get rid of her!
It’s hard to comment with only one side of the story. What do you like about her? is your 5/6 year history important? do you have other old friends?
I moved on from two ( twin ) friends when I finished uni, they were bad for my self esteem and didn’t treat me well. With nearly 10 years and maturing I since seen it wasn’t all there fault. People treat you the way you project yourself. If you don’t feel good about your self, they will add to it.
I’ve since caught up with them, and visited and it made me happy, we grew up together, moved away from home, made memories. Some friendships are family and though you may go in and out and move in different directions it’s good to forgive and forget. Maybe you will regret cutting her out of your wedding. Maybe be strong and not let her interfer with your wedding, if he takes offence and stops speaking to you, well you have got rid of her other wise invite her. sounds a bit mean and bitchy not to
Amy, your problem my problem today too. Amazing. I have just hung up the phone from a friend who is controlling, demanding, and constantly needy of my attention to her latest drama. She’s toxic. I was wondering, “what do I do?”. She leaves me feeling tense, toxic and shitty with myself because I could have spent that time doing something wonderful (cue: kids). The reason I hesitate to cut her loose entirely – and perhaps this is the same for you – is that I know that I keep attracting this sort of friendship. It’s a boundary issue. I am so not comfortable setting them, and saying, “I don’t want to listen to these melodramas right now. I am having a pretty good day. Let’s talk later.” I feel I’m not being a good friend. But enough is enough. I need to be loyal to myself first. I like Aimee’s advice: be brutally honest. Maybe by being honest with toxic friends we might salvage what’s good in the friendship. And if not, cut it loose.
Amy, I think you know yourself when enough is enough. You know when you are ready and it’s time to make the changes needed! Takes courage and a deep breath and maybe not inviting her parents which is part of the letting go process. Good luck!
Or it could go like this…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dgvR5DJ-Qj0
Have been addicted to manstrokewoman since the toddler jeans post.
True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare.
False friends are like autumn leaves, scattered everywhere.
A family friend wrote this in my Holly Hobbie autograph book when I was 8 and I have remembered it the whole of my life. Such wisdom in those words. x
hahaha – what’s wrong with you all ?? what about some revenge first ??
No, seriously – just walk away – it’s hard, but do it.
I had to walk away from my best friend of 10 years a few months ago – she did something completely unforgivable by anyone’s standards.
Unfortunately I miss her every day.
I did have a girlfriend years ago though who used to ‘break up’ with girlfriends that upset her … just like she was breaking up with a boyfriend … so funny!!
I had a falling out with a friend I’d had for 10 years right after my wedding, after she did and said some terrible things and was an extremely bad bridesmaid. I always say if I could do it over she would be left well out of the picture. We’d fallen out in the past but this was so bad that there is no way I could ever go back to that toxicity. Amy, leave her and her parents be, if you feel you need closure keep it simple and don’t go into any blame games. You’ll be much better off leaving the friendship now, rather than when she does something that rips your heart in two.
And prepare yourself to mourn the friendship.
Oh gosh, I’m hearing you Amy! I’ve had a friendship like this before and yes, you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself.
Until your friend finds her own identity and stops pining after your life the drama will continue right into marriages and children, which is a complete drag. Do yourself a favour, and get out now even if it means sacrificing the friendship you have with her parents. You will be saving yourself buckets of grief.
Toxic friends – only one thing to do with ‘em! That’s f*&^ ‘em off! Life is so much more peaceful and enjoyable without them… As for the parents to the wedding, I think with all toxic friendships that end, you have to realise that you lose something along with it, and while it’s sad, it’s in the long run not so bad… Parents/extended family/connected friends – all casualties..
You don’t need this extra stress when your planning a wedding.It’s wasted energy,end it and I’m sure you’ll feel better.
A friend like that is not someone you want to have to deal with on your wedding day and have to worry what she could get up to!
Three strikes and you’re out in my book. I think there comes a point where you have to say enough is enough. You simply do not need someone like that in your life and it sounds like you’ve given her plenty of chances. It is always painful to cut someone out – you feel guilty and like a massive b*tch and question your decision but ultimately you have to remember that you are meant to be happy around your friends. It’s not friendship if it is always fraught with tension because someone has major issues like this girl has.
Some friendships come and go and it is the really special people that you will stick with. I have a number of close girlfriends who support me in whatever I do, never say a mean word to me, and make me happy to spend time with them. That is how it should be. It’s easy, there are no dramas, and as people’s life circumstances change with marriages and children we are all there for each other and to celebrate those changes.
On the other hand I have recently “dropped” two people from my life and it was only after spending time apart from them that I realized how toxic they really are as people. Life’s short and I realized that I didn’t like the person I was becoming around them, nor their snide and jealous comments. Ultimately they didn’t want the best for me and it sounds like this girl doesn’t wish you happiness either.
Go and have a beautiful wedding (don’t invite her parents) and concentrate on having a wonderful life with your new husband. It will hurt at the beginning, but you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders when you stop having to worry about this person.
Amy- Don’t walk away from negative people- RUN.
Yes, I had to bin one friend several years ago. It was all about her and she could never accept that sometimes other people needed to have some attention. Every time something big happened in one of her friends lives she would invent a drama to divert attention back to her.
The defining moment for me came when I rang her to tell her that I had just had my baby – literally only 2 hours before. She told me she couldnt focus on me because she had just found out she had cancer. To cut a long story short, there was no cancer. She made the whole thing up. Psycho.
Like attract like, untill you sort out why you attract her in the first place, she will be replace by another toxic person, good luck, love to all ooxx
Just keep walking.
I’ve been through this one too, but not controlling, just general unpleasantness and repeatedly falling out. Like everyone else has said, this is your life. You’re allowed to choose who your friends are and which people you want to be around. You shouldn’t feel bad about it.
On a practical note, to stop yourself going back there (as it’s easy to do, I know), try and find an email or remember a conversation word for word, or a letter or something, and keep it and look at it whenever you think about giving it another shot. I do that with a toxic ex-friend of mine. Whenever I feel like I was just being silly or I was just upset and that she was right, etc, I look at that. It never fails to remind me that even though I wasn’t in a good headspace at the time, I reacted appropriately. She acted appallingly, and no one has to take that kind of behaviour. Good luck.
Life is hard enough without surrounding ourselves people who instantly deflate us everytime we’re around them.
These are the friends who find it near impossible to compliment us, always make the plans around what suits them, turn every conversation back to themselves, are unable to celebrate our victories, but seem to revel in our failures.
Instead spend time with people who make you smile just thinking about them…
I’m also a bride to be and am actually glad that I am 33 when I got married and know exactly who my true friends are. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being surrounded by the toxic ones on the big day!
Real tough thing to go through. There are always a few of these people around, and they definitely don’t see the big picture!
I had to split up with a friend 12 months ago now – was really hard and I still think about it all the time. Mainly wondering if it was my fault. I don’t think it was, mostly it was more about her needing full attention on her at all times.
Stick with it, think you’ve done the right thing. The person you’re describing doesn’t sound like a friend after all, do they?
I went through this recently minus the ‘control freak’ part – I found the best thing to do was keep contact to a minimum but still on friendly terms, but if you think this wouldn’t work then you just have to cut them out completely. This may seem hard but surround yourself with other friends who are actually supportive of you….if you feel you need to patch things up just remind yourself of all the other times you have and how things didn’t work out – sometimes people need to drift apart
Big pair of scissors needed here to snip that friendship out of your life. Remember the operative word here is ‘friendship’ and this one is no longer performing to best practice.
Sometimes people enter out lives for only a period of time and when the ‘good’ from the union is outweighed by the bad, it is time to move on. You have obviously done all you can to set things straight and it has not worked.
DOn’t feel bad about letting the friendship fizzle, you should be feeling bad for not putting yourself or your instincts first.
“I have decided enough is enough and I
don’t want to continue having all this trouble in my life”
Amy I think you’ve answered your own questions with that statement.
Like others have said life is too damn short to spend it with people who make you feel like this
Lisa’s right. Girlfriends are for support and good times, not confrontation, jealousy and agro.
If you want all this to continue, keep her in your life, if not, you need to start thinking about who is more important to you…your relationship with your fiance, or her.
I’ve had a frenemie similar to this girl, and I decided enough was enough too. It took a while, but I eventually cut her loose. It was getting that I was spending so much time worrying about what she said and what she did I was going bonkers.
Life is too short to spend time with and thinking about people who don’t have your best interests at heart.
You poor girl. I feel for you. You are trying to do the best thing and are getting screwed. I don’t think it’s as easy as ‘cutting her loose’ though that sounds like a super plan. But if you just stop communicating with her… Don’t give her any info about your life or plans. I have been in your situation and I felt exhausted.
Make sure she understands her life is for her. Your life is for you. NOT HER!
Also, when/if you do have a confrontation over the ending of this friendship, remember that its not something that’s up for debate, not something that you’re willing argue over.
Its just- “I no longer feel a bond of friendship towards you. I wish you well.”
Frenimies – nobody needs them. Girlfriends are a support; girlfriends are the ones the pick you up when you’re feeling wretched; girlfriends share their joyful moments and yours; girlfriends are brutally honest then hand you a cuppa and a tissue if you need it.
I have only a handful of quality girlfriends and I call them my trench buddies – simply put, they’re the ones that I would take a bullet for & I know they would take a bullet for me.
Hmm she doesn’t sound much like a true friend at all! I think it’s far better to surround yourself with happy supportive people, you do not need the type of “friendship” she is offering.
Amy, sounds like she has a huge case of jealousy. Cut her out of your life.
Like the Beatles did with Pete Best, cut her loose. As dramaqueen said life is to short. Need to surround yourself with good energy and cut the negative out.
Amy, I think that you have done the right thing by deciding to not give in to her anymore. My advice would be to hang out more with your real, lovely friends. I always find that spending time with my good friends makes me realise that the others are just not worth it!
Cut her loose.
She sounds mental.
If you can quite happily imagine going the rest of your life without speaking to her or knowing the intimate details of her life then yes, you are doing the right thing.
Be painfully, brutally honest. Much better to take no prisoners and have it be over and done with than have it limp on with her under any illusions. I have done it once and never regretted it. Some people belong in your past.
I had a friend like this and it was awful. We were friends originally when we were 12 but drifted apart through high school, only to have her move to my city 13 years later and try and pick up where we left off. Too much time had passed. After I moved to Sydney she invited herself to stay for the weekend, and would lay on the couch while we sat on the floor, ate all the food and when she left, wrote a note that implied I had been pretending to enjoy living in Sydney. I have not talked to her since. An ocean separates us now which at times still does not feel like enough.
Im a coward though and hate confrontation so instead I have completely ignored her communication and don’t make any either. I think she has got the picture.
I would rather be alone then be with her, and if that’s the same for you then don’t feel guilty. Some people just don’t fit together.
I had a ‘toxic’ friend not too long ago and i had to shut her out of my life. While we hadn’t know neach other for as long as you have known your ‘toxic’ friend, hopefully i can help a little.
I think it comes down to the realisation that they are not having a positive effect on your life, therefore you simply cannot be around them anymore.
Firstly i would make sure i have expressed how her behaviour was effecting me, and give her a chance to realise that she is pushing you away. If this doesnt help you may have to move on with you life without including her (don’t invite her anywhere, avoid answering calls if you have to, etc). If you’re worried about giving in to her, make sure you remember the bad experiences you’ve had with her, even write a list if that will help you remember. Don’t feel guilty or responsible for her – you can help her see that her behaviour is damaging but whether she admits this and makes a change is ultimately up to her.
Good luck!
Yes Amy, you ARE doing the right thing. She is toxic, and the sooner she is out of your life, the better. Then you can move on, and start to live your life, the way YOU want to……….
Hmm, it’s awkward because you say you would like her parents to come to the wedding. However, I agree it’s inappropriate to have them there if you don’t want her coming.
I think you just need to stand your ground and not let your resolve falter.
If she tries to get back into your life again just be honest that you don’t think that you guys make very good friends and that you think it’s best for both of you if you go your separate ways.
All friendships have high and low points, but I think things need to balance out over time and it doesn’t seem like this one is at all.
Life is short Amy. I am still learning that the best way to enjoy it is to find friends who are warm, positive and make you feel good when you are with them – and of course, you do the same for them.
If they are “energy vampires”, negative or control freaks or if they belittle you or make you feel less than you were before spending time with them then…maybe it’s time to slowly drift apart.
You only have one life – it’s not a dress rehearsal