11 Things Nobody Told Me About Parenthood
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Yeah, I knew that breast feeding might be tough. I read that I might get post-natal depression. I knew not to expect a lot of sleep. What I DIDN'T know about this whole motherhood thing? The details. There were many many details everyone neglected to mention. So after three children and many surprising discoveries here's some fine print for the parents of the future…..
1. There will be some of your child's books that really piss you off. These are guaranteed to be the ones your kid wants you to read EVERY NIGHT. This will almost kill you. (See point 7).
2. Having children does not make you a morning person. My whole life, I have never been good in the morning. Those I've loved and lived with have always known this and adapted their lives accordingly so as to avoid any form of interaction with me lest I punch them in the face. I assumed this would change when I HAD to get up at dawn's crack and be a parent. It didn't. Unfortunately (for them) my children do not have the option of avoiding me in the morning. Especially when they require breakfast from my boobs. Urgently. After more than a decade, I'm still fairly unhappy about having to wake up so early every single morning of my life even on weekends even public holidays even when on vacation, OKAY? But I've learned to stop growling and suck it up.
3. There will be some of your child's clothes that you loathe. These items will have been given to them as gifts by people with no taste and are guaranteed to be your child's favourite things to wear. Every. Single. Day. Make them disappear.
4. Friends, relatives and shopkeepers will give your child treats, making it impossible to control their sugar intake. At Easter time? Leave the country.
5. No matter how well intentioned you are about organic and non-processed and blah blah blah, you too will bribe your child with sugary treats to get them to do something you want them to do. You will. I promise. Don't fight it.
6. At some point, you will be forced to raid your child's wallet or piggy bank to pay the babysitter or pizza delivery guy. Leave an IOU. They can discuss it with their therapist in twenty years.
7. While reading a story aloud to your child, it's possible to be thinking about something entirely different. Like when you're driving. This will frequently come in handy (see point 1).
8. Going away with your kids is not a holiday and bears no resemblance to the activity of the same name in which you partook when childless. It's simply called 'moving the children to a different location without any of the neccessary props you have at home and making life infinitely more difficult for the adults'.
9. Kids are hilarious. Even when they're newborns they do stuff that makes you laugh. Even their farts can be funny. And when they can talk, you will become one of those people who recount stories about the cute way your kid pronounces words. It won't be funny to anyone else but you will tell the stories anyway because it will make your heart clench with love.
10. Playing is not fun. I don't know why, as a grown woman, I expected to suddenly enjoy doing puzzles and the hokey pokey and making farm animals out of toilet rolls. But I did. I thought that's what parents were meant to do. Play. I love spending time with my children and talking to them and hanging out. Playing? Not so much.
11. Parks are tedious. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. Then I bumped into a friend and asked how she was enjoying her maternity leave with her one year old daughter. "I really need to go back to work part-time," she said. "If I have to go to another park, I'm going to lose the will to live. It's death by park."
Any other details you wish you'd known about prior to having kids? Sharing is caring….comment away…..
GIVEAWAY! I have three sets of the Being Dad DVDs worth $55 each to give away randomly to commenters. They're funny, educational documentaries made for expectant couples to watch together and you can read more about them here. If you'd like to win one for yourself or a friend, say so at the end of your comment and check back here in a few days for the winners.
UPDATE: …and the winners are…. Danielle Melnyezenko, Katie (p3) and Kylie (p10). If that's you, email Simone from Being Dad here with your details so she can send your DVDs out to you. Congrats!
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yep, i knew many details and still I get frustrated at so many things like why do I have to repeat myself over and over or why cant this get done a bit faster, not a chance, they show you on their time table what is really important….
being a single Mom since my son was 6 weeks old and now having my daugther being already 14 months I dont know if I ever get any time or anything ever done for myself….they just outlast me because they are 2 against 1!
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Rebecca, OMG, I got that weirdo book too, couldn’t believe I had received a book about a mother dying, I have banned it!
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Nina – your post made me almost spit my wine all over the computer (almost). V V funny. Hit a real cord.
As did yours Mia.
#101 – I loathe talking about cars, boats, twains, planes, choppers, cabs. OMG who invented all these forms of transport and who said little boys would be so interested in them? I have NEVER encouraged any interest in traditional boy related interest. And yet the gender neutral doll is tossed in a corener and I must now spend half my day feigning interest in wheels??? I am SO bored of talking about cars.
NB – I may be a little overwrought having returned from holiday today and having caught a car, a plane, a train, a bus and a cab with an overactive, overtired, oversugared 21 month old. All in one day.
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I am a mother of three children under 5. I am not a morning person either, When i had my first child i thought they go to bed when told and they just slept through the night until morning. At the moment, we have my son and daughter coming in bed with us at any hour during the night, as well as our 4.5month old in his cot in our room. So its open house 24/7! My son is obessed with the garbage truck, so the whole house hold is awake as early as 4.30AM! Oh, its not good enough to look out the window, we have to go outside and greet the truck with the flashing lights and me looking like a madwomen with bed hair because my children have no concept of time ! The driver knows us now and waves to me and my children every collection week.
Also, if my children are sick with a runny nose etc,etc the whole household is sick and the endless trips to the doctors can be frustrating. I am a nurse and I work weekends, somtimes i feel I haven’t left home. My children follow me around and want to know where i am at all times. Sometimes I feel I’m on home detention. Being a mother in this generation is tough, there is no sick leave or vacation leave or business hours. But we do the best we can.
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Anonanon – I really feel for you. To feel trapped like that is the absolute pits.
It’s hard when you feel you are forced to do what you don’t want to do and can’t see a way out. I’d love to be able to offer some advice, however I’m guessing it would sound very trite under the circumstances. I hope it works out for you.
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My number 13? Don’t leave your good black pants, you know, the nice stretchy pair that are the only thing that fits after the whole lovely birthing thing? Yes those ones. Well don’t leave them lying on the laundry floor. Your husband will think he is doing you a huge favour by throwing them in the hot wash with the nappies. Yep. Once lovely, comfy, almost flattering black pants wear-them-every-day wardrobe staple has now become wierd shrivelled twisted white spotted funny gray streaky bits piece of rag.
And I don’t need parks! I have a farm, cows, sensational vistas in every direction, trees to climb, dams to throw rocks in, chooks to feed, veggies to water, but I’ll stop bragging now!!
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Gemma YES! Public toilets are my most hated thing in the whole world. I hate them to the point of taking the potty in the car so the kids don’t have to use the public toilets. Ick. Especially the park ones, they are just soooo gross and unclean eeeewwwww!!!
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Simone my kids like to do the ‘very long poo’ in the ‘very dirty public toilet’. The need to poo usually happens when we are as far away from home as possible. Actually, when I think about it, it seems to occur with number 12, the toilets at parks are truly repulsive. Another reason to dislike parks…
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As a babysitter, I understand about the books. I cannot stand “The magic school bus” or understand how it came to be on the Scholastic reading list. Once I turned the pages three at a time and luckily the child fell asleep regardless of gaps in the storyline.
I then went and had a cup of tea and remembered my Mother doing the same thing with my books, and observant little me saying “No! you’re reading it wrong!”
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You forgot number 12. Kids are crap magnets. No matter how much you clean, tidy your house or strive to a have a beautiful home, your children will bring in ugly plastic items with which they cannot part. Promotional posters will replace anything remotely like art.
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Hi Mia
The whole playing thing is so hard. I often feel in a constant state of guilt for trying to get out of it. My lovely 5yo boy loves to play with me and often directs the way in which we play. I’m sure it makes perfect sense in his own head but when I do it he seems to be constantly telling me I am doing it wrong. However, he seems encouraged that I am actually attempting to play with him. The afterglow joy on both our faces when we have spent time together “playing” is worth it.
Although I do long for the days when I could just put my feet up and watch tv uninterupted or read a book.
Looking forward to retirement…
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Mia you forgot one other thing nobody tells you. The ill timed “very long poo” that your child always needs to do at the most inopportune times. Why do they take so long on the toilet? (My youngest sings bawdy drunken sailor type songs on the loo!) And why do they wait until you are almost running late for something before realising they need to go? We were at the snow this weekend and after spending what seemed like hours dressing everyone and putting on all the gear (thermals, boots, ski pants, jackets, helmets, gloves, goggles, scarves etc.) my six year old realised it was time for a “very long poo”. So of course we had to undress him and wait for a ‘very long time’ in all of our gear – almost passing out in the very hot appt. It always happens and I don’t recall being warned about this phenomenon before kids!
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I must be a weird mum then cos i actually enjoy playing with my daughter (3 yrs old) and going to parks! We play with her dolls, crafty things, books, blocks etc for ages. And the parks? I find it a social outlet really. I actually look forward to chatting with other mums and watching the kids play.
Does that make me weird? lol
But i can relate to almost every other thing on the list!
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Tick all eleven for me. My number 12 would be that even though you love your child to the moon and back, you can be so sick of the sound of their non-stop talking some days, you could fill your ears with melted wax. Or is that just me?
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Gee I must be the only guy on here! Maybe that is why I didnt agree with most of the points. I have 3 children and the youngest is now 20! I really miss the time playing in the park. A time when the whole extended family could join in and play whatever is going. I was always a morning person so found getting up early no probs
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Oh my Goodness – I LOVED this!!!!
I just finished watching 60 minutes where the story was on being a stay at home Mum/Housewife and how wonderful it was! As I watched it I was in my PJs with my 3.5yo, 2yo and 1yo all asleep in bed, FINALLY.
Today my 3.5 yo cut the 2yos hair with clippers (No blade), making his previously very cool and funky blonde Mohawk into an accident with a lawnmower! My 2yo will now be wearing beanies ALL winter to cover his barely there white blond hair.
As I sat recovering from that ordeal and making a mental note to visit Cotton On Kids for another cool beanie, sipping (ok guzzling)a glass of red in front of 60 Minutes, I wondered if I was the only mum in the country who was NOT enjoying the day to day chaos of ‘motherhood’!!
Then I read your blog Mia – and let me tell you, I’m feeling SOOOOOOOOO much better!!!!
3 kids under 3.5 – what the hell was I thinking!!!!
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I like the park. At least it gets us out of the friggin’ house!
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Love this article thank you, good to read about a bird’s experience with kids. Will pas this link onto my wife. We are DINKS (Dual income no kids)at present but planning so no doubt we will be NPAM (New parents and moneyless!)
Agree with you about mornings, god who invented morning!
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As a 7wk pregnant first mum I love this post. Noone ever tells you these things (except for my Mum
)
Would love to win one of the DVDs please Mia!
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Thanks for making the effort to comment on my comment, Caroline. I appreciate it. It’s nice to get thoughtful feedback.
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I don’t think we should judge people and say ‘you should just be happy to be at home with your kids and quit whining about the park because i wish that was me’ or ‘you should feel so lucky to go to work’ etc etc. Everyone has their challenges in life, every case is unique. We should all just support one another, be good listeners and share our hardships so as parents we don’t feel alone in the world.
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I nanny’d for a few years, and while I didn’t mind the park as a whole, I LOATHED the swings. Nothing is more tedious than standing there pushing the kids back and forth, back and forth. Loved the rest of the park though, used to push small children out of the way so I could play
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E – I don’t think you will know whether or not you want or don’t want children.
If you meet someone special and you feel drawn, you will. If you meet someone special and it happens, then you will.
Otherwise you will lead the fulfilling and generous life you currently do.
I was not able to forsee a life without my own children. I def. wanted it. Once my daughter was born I realised that I might have been OK without children. The hard thing is that only those who have had children can also have the luxury of saying “I think it would have been OK if they had never happened”….
BUT…now that she is older and we have a smashing relationship and I have smoothed into being her mum, well, I can’t be without her…
Life will undoubtedly lead you to where to need to be. And no, people without children are not selfish at all and who cares anyway? Everyone is drawn to what is right for them…..live and let live….
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Amazing, exactly spot on, especially..
No2, standing here typing at 7am cause been up since 6am on Sunday morning w hangover. Its just not fair
No5 only in the instance of out and out bribery re No2
No8 OMG, have had worst holidays! who would ever know that, no kinder, no daycare, no nannas, 24/7 kids…get me home
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