Sunday Column: The new young domestic goddess….
Prince William and his girlfriend, branded by the press as 'Waity Katie'
“What is WRONG with women in their twenties?” a 37-year-old single friend asked me over lunch last week. I looked at him blankly. “Um, nothing?” Wrong answer. He put down his fork and took a deep breath. “Look, I’ve been dating twenty-something girls for a while now and I despair that their ultimate goal is to take up life long positions in the home raising children.” “That can’t be right,” I insisted, tucking into my toasted sandwich, “I thought they were all madly ambitious and accumulating degrees.”
“I thought that too!” he exclaimed, throwing up his hands. “But the ones I’ve met just seem to be using the whole uni and career thing as a springboard to meeting appropriate blokes who share their interests. They even want to take my name if we we’re married! Frankly, I’m appalled. The whole Stepford thing doesn’t appeal to me at all.” He looked down at his pasta, shaking his head sadly. “I’m going to have to start dating women my age….well, over thirty anyway.”
I thought about this conversation over the next few days and decided to check the veracity of his claim. Was my friend dating in some weird retro time bubble? Apparently not. The Courier Mail recently declared the Young Domestic Goddess movement an official social phenomenon: “The seductive appeal of cooking, housekeeping and family is increasingly favoured by women tired of pushing the boundaries of the ever-present glass ceiling.”
(Sorry, you lost me at “seductive appeal of housekeeping” but whatever. I’m clearly not the demographic). A couple my friends are in their twenties, both ambitious but equally keen on marriage and babies. They’re not particularly compelled to ‘have it all’, not at the same time anyway. “I have nothing to prove,” said the single 26-year-old. “I love my job but I know I’ll enjoy being a wife and mother too and I imagine it will be just as fulfilling.”
To cast my anecdotal net a bit wider, I decided to Twitter the following questions: “Are women in their 20s really the new Domestic Goddesses? Are marriage/babies more important than career?” Of the hundreds of instant replies, some were stridently opposed (“I’d rather have a life than be a wife”) but the consensus was generally yes. Who knew there were so many 23-year-olds out there baking, crocheting, gardening, marrying, procreating, making their own pasta and having Tupperware parties? I even heard from a few lesbians, or ‘young domestic gay goddesses’ as they called themselves.
But don’t be fooled. These women consider themselves empowered underneath their pink gingham aprons. “It’s more India Hicks or NIgella Lawson than Flo Bjelke Peterson,” explained one 27-year-old mother of two, differentiating herself from the generation of women who had little choice but to subvert their own aspirations to accommodate their husbands’.
These twenty-somethings who aspire to a life resembling their grandmothers’ make a clear distinction: it’s their choice to be domestic. They buy their aprons and their rolling pins with irony, almost like playing pretend. Underlying it is the unshakable conviction that they have complete equality. Not to mention the knowledge that a life dedicated to work can be a little meaningless when your company sacks you. “I saw my workaholic parents miss out on their kids and for what?” one 21-year-old girl Twittered to me. “Loyalty to a company that treated them as expendable? I won’t make that mistake.”
Another woman contacted me to say she blames the young DG movement on Sex & The City. “I work with many girls in their twenties – all educated, funky types – and they say, "we saw those women alone and desperate in their late 30s, and we said to ourselves ‘oh my God, there’s no way I want to be like that.’”
The patron saint of young domestic goddesses may well be Kate Middleton or Waity Katie as the UK media have so patronisingly dubbed her. According to Princess Diana’s biographer, Andrew Morton, there’s a disconcertingly back to the future vibe about Kate’s relationship with Prince William. “With no career to speak of, his girlfriend is a lady in waiting, spending her days grooming and hanging around waiting for her prince to come calling,” he wrote recently for online publication The Daily Beast. “She confided to novelist Kathy Lette during a polo match that she had to concentrate on every play so that she could discuss it with the heir later. Even in her salad days, Diana was never that enthusiastic about the game.”
Morton goes on to compare Kate Middleton with Michelle Obama, another woman famed for her connection to a famous man but who has achieved so much in her own right. “Michelle Obama has it all because she has had to do it all: raise children, hold down an executive job, feed the family, and support her husband. Unlike 27-year-old Kate who he describes as “a young woman whose self-defined role in life [is] accommodating her man. Her mission is to blend in and to conform, to choose the correct wardrobe—demure but flattering—for the three costume changes a day required at Balmoral or Sandringham. Is this then the ultimate ambition for the best and the brightest of her generation—to find and snare a man?”
Gosh, I certainly hope not. Although if it drives single guys like my friend towards women their own age, that’s not entirely a bad thing.
You might also like:
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Calling all twenty-something domestic goddesses. 60 Minutes want you.
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Sun-Herald & Sunday age column: Being Single 2.0
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Sunday Column: Don’t Bite My Style
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Sun-Herald and Sunday Age column: ‘So, when are you going to shut up?’
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Sunday column: The hard questions…..
My post is a little late but I felt compelled to add to the debate.
I married in my early 20’s, worked a few jobs for a few years in with thankless companies and sometimes rude public.
I finished working when my son was born and had baby two a few years after.
I have stayed home and could not imagine leaving them with someone else. Sometimes I feel that would be the easier option. Looking after two little ones is hard work. But the rewards cannot be underestimated.
Now that I am approaching 30 and my youngest will be starting school I am constantly asked when I will go back to work. I feel like I always have to defend my decision as to why I am not currently working. I feel like the odd one in a working mother community.
I do not let my children take over my sense of self. I love fashion, my face-booking does not often feature my kids and at times I have earned some extra money from ebay.
I love cooking, gardening and decorating. If I worked we may have more money but I don’t think I would have time to do these extra things that I enjoy.
I don’t feel I need to validate myself with a career.
Hi all – i remember hearing a celebrity once say that their mum told them that ‘they could have it all, but not at the same time’.
Im a 21 year old law student who fully intends to be a stay at home mum in when my children are young and return to work part time, then full time when they’re older.
I see ppl who try to juggle it all and at once… i don’t want to be that person. I want to appreciate the different places i will be in at different stages in my life.
I think we can all learn a lot from that saying – what do you all think?
I am all for choice, but what’s so wrong about being judged for the choices we make? The idea that just because you make a choice it is somehow sacred, correct and not open to criticism is ridiculous. Most choices have both good and bad outcomes associated with them. Others opinions are valuable in helping to understand and consider the full consequences of your choices. Lets not hope for a world where life becomes like a marketing campaign, where its always a sunny day and no criticism is allowed.
I chose to work from the age of 15. I chose to go to uni & work full time, at the same time. I chose to travel the world. I chose my career & to be successful in it. I choose to be a housewife when the time comes. I choose to take my husband’s name. I choose to give up a highly paid career with long hours to undertake an unpaid highly rewarding career with even longer hours. I am also a feminist. I believe strongly in a woman’s right to choose.
Also, regarding changing of the surname: My partner and I are creating a new one. It’s going to be awesome
I totally see this. I’m 23 and I’d be happy to get married, have babies and be the homemaker in a few years. It’s rather funny, actually, because in high school I was always the girl who was stridently opposed to babies and marriage, and who was going to be some high powered career woman. But now, it doesn’t appeal to me. I realised that the most important thing to me is having a happy family and loving group of friends. I know my partner will relish the role of bread winner. Both of us have a choice, and this is what we want. So what’s the issue? Isn’t this what feminism strove for, the freedom to choose? All that’s lacking now is to be free from judgement of our choices.
It’s simple. Blame our mothers. Now, I’m not saying I’ve seen this as often in Australia, but in the U.S. most of us grew up with modern, career-minded mothers who did not reduce to part-time or less in our childhood. We spent our afternoons in “After School Program” and were often “latch-key kids” fending for ourselves until early evening from very young ages.
Moms and Dads both worked the same hours, equally challenging jobs…then most dads came home and sat in front of the TV while mom began her second job: cooking dinner, cleaning the kids, tidying up, picking out clothes for the next day’s school, etc. Who the hell wants a life like that? Yeah, we can have it all, ladies! All the work of both career and home.
Women now are choosing to choose. Isn’t that what Gloria Steinem has been pushing for all these decades? The right for us to choose our lives? Kids, no kids, housewife, executive, artist, office worker, etc. Many of my corporate-conquering girlfriends are choosing husbands and wives who want to be the stereotypical nurturer. Others women are hiring nannies. Still others are choosing to take a more traditional role. And yet others still, such as myself, are writers and artists who are lucky enough that our careers allow us time to tend the garden and cook the meals.
The age of the Super Mom is over. Women do NOT have to do everything and anything. I sure hope your next post is about men in their late 30’s who sadly date only 20-somethings, or perhaps a praising piece on the upsurgence of Stay-at-Home-Dads.
Signed,
A newly 30 gardening, crocheting, bread-baking, jam-making corporate web analyst and author with no kids, two dogs, and a 24 year old blue-collar husband.
I truly believe that much of this generational phenomenon relates back to the fact the perceived novelty factor of being a stay at home Mum.
Most of us in our twenties grew up watching our mothers having to go to work as well as try and manage a family and saw how hard it was. With this in mind, the 20 something has no illusions about the practicality of a work/family balance. I think that compared to this experience, being a full time Domestic Goddess seems an easier option – although those of us who have lived it, even just for maternity leave, know it is not by any means easy.
Also, I think that it is a form of girls good old fashioned rebellion against their mothers and an in built desire to do things differently to them.
I love, love, love what I do. I have a meaningful and fulfilling job. And I plan to work into my 70s. I’m not talking climbing corporate ladders – there are a lot more work opportunities than 9 to 5 and suits.
Facebook has killed any desire to be a domestic goddess. Each day I glance over the updates. Its all my married female friends. On there CONSTANTLY. “Sue just brought in the washing”…”Bek has burped Jack”. Stab me.
But I do agree with comments made – its each to their own. No need to judge other people’s choices. I’ve had married friends tell me single people are selfish. I took a massive pay cut to work for a not for profit. Our household takes in foster children. A homeless man has dinner at our house every week. Ok sounds like back patting – but raising your own flesh and blood (rather than contributing to making life better for those not related to you) doesn’t make you a saint.
I have a genuine question, how will all of these families with mums staying at home pay for their mortgages, groceries, bills etc on only one wage? We don’t have compulsory paid maternity leave, the average australian home costs $380, 000, and there are not that many part-time working from home jobs out there (or financially successful business ideas- sorry ladies but there’s not.) Nor are there that many rich men.
If there is an easier way, I want to know about it.
I agree with Cath, my needs and now my families needs have changed and will continue to change and we will ALL continue to adapt to make it work for us.
I have to work for us to survive, but even without that, I would probably work or volunteer at least 1-2 days a week. I currently work 4 days a week, did not get ANY paid maternity leave so had to go back before I was ready, but we all coped ok, and luckily I had family looking after my daughter. Right now I would prefer to be working 3 days a week. In a year or two I think I will go back to working 4 days a week but get a job that lets me finish in time to get to do pick ups at school.
I agree in choice too, and also think everyone just needs to find what works for them. BUT I WANT MORE CHOICE! CATCH UP WORKFORCE!! and give us more choices for families, more paternity leave, flexible hours, better conditions and leave, that will benefit all families members, not just women and will mean more choices for all people, not just the ones that can afford to survive on one wage.
Mandy, having done the career thing for a while and now doing the SAHM thing, let me just say it’s not the simple life. It is hard, thankless work. You are often on your own at home most the day, and there are the stresses that any normal job has. That said, the reward of seeing your children grow are second to none!
gc – yes, yes, yes, you can have it all – that’s what being a woman today is all about!!!
As Hoppo Bumpo says – it’s all about having a choice.
I love(d) my job, and was 1/2 way through my PhD when our daughter was born. Not the best timing, but we were very keen to start a family. It’s been tough balancing motherhood with study, but I’d like to think I’ve done a bloody good job on both counts. I’ve just submitted my thesis and am pregnant with our second, and can’t wait to have a year or two to dedicate to our family. I won’t be a full-time mum forever, because I love my job, but not everyone feels that way, and that’s great.
My partner would love to be home with the kids for a while – the only reason he’s the ‘breadwinner’ is because he earns more so it makes sense (and that’s only because I work in public health on an award wage – I’d earn the same if I was a guy).
The name changing thing is a separate but interesting issue. If my partner and I got married, I wouldn’t take his name – it just seems weird to me – but I don’t judge those who do. The only thing I didn’t like was the idea of my children having a different name to me – so our daughter (and impending arrival) has my name. This was my partner’s idea I might add. His dad is an asshole, so he had no desire to pass the name on! It hasn’t been an issue so far, though I read gc’s comment with interest. Nobody’s yet questioned whether our daughter is his, but he couldn’t care less if they do – she and he both know she’s his – why do we care what a stranger thinks??
Anyway, I’m off to buy some stuff to finger-paint with my 2 year old this arvo. I can’t wait – and I assure you heyjude – I have more than half a brain!
I’m joining the team that thinks that both partners in a relationship (regardless of gender) get equal time off work with or without children.
Which team is that again?
(I still think it is a risk to give up your career but I’m WORRIED about people who do it. not judging them.)
Well I think it is refreshing to find all these young girls wanting to be great mums and good home makers – it is certainly a big job! I gave up may career to bring up my kids (who are now in their twenties too) and had no problems re-inventing myself 20 years later (although I must confess I always did do some paid work (working from home). I now work in academia (still from home) and still enjoy being there for my family when needed. There is just one question —- where are all these girls in their mid twenties who are said to want these long term relationships? My son is an intelligent, kind (and if I might say good looking) young man in his late twenties. He spent 5 years at uni so is still working his way up in his job – hence the pay is not brilliant. I have been told when speaking to other people that girls his age are just not interested in young men because they do not earn enough to support a family. And I know several young single men all in the same boat – all very nice young men, not interested in pursuing the club scene to find a partner – but more interested in finding someone to share their lives with. I do hope this is a cynical viewpoint – but do young women really target older men for the secure income? Experiences amongst those young men I know seems to point in that direction (not that they say this). If this is the case then where does this then leave all the late twenty something young men – when they are not interested in either teenagers or older women?
I am 27 years old, married, mother of two, and a high school teacher. I studied part time while my children were young (I had my son when I was 19 during my second year in uni), and started working part time when my youngest was in kindy. This year, they are both in school, and I am working 4 days a week (spread over five so that I can pick my children up from school a few days a week). I loved being home with my children before they went to school, and I miss them so much now that they are at school. And I really love my career too, and feel like I am doing a good job at balancing both. But I have to admit, if it wasn’t working out, I would quit my job and stay home with my children. I love my career, but I love them way more.
I also knit, crochet, embroider, bake cakes and toffees for their school fete, make great dinners, wear an apron, and teach my children and my students about feminism at the same time. I feel like domestic arts are only looked down on because it is predominantly women who are doing them… and what are we saying about women if that is the case?
Also, there are way more men at my work than women, and those men are looked after by their wives. Their wives bake them lunches and cakes for work, buy and choose their clothes, etc. I actually look down on the men. I know when I arrive at work each day, I have already accompliched a huge amount, and will accomplish more when I get home. All they have are their careers (and I am better at that than a lot of them too!) I must admit, I do sometimes look at their easy lives, and think “Where can I get a wife?” but I would rather be me than them.
I am a proud 30 yr old with a PhD and an internationally acknowledged expert in my field (a male dominated profession) who likes cooking, gardening, crocheting and the occasional tupperware party. My mother stayed at home and never required me to “make” anything of myself and I would certainly classify her as a feminist – she and my father instilled in me a belief that I could do anything I wanted in my life.
Agreeing that as women we should give each other the respect that any woman has the right to choose her own density, I am going to stick up for men here.
Seeing as we are all making a lot of assumptions about these Gen Y women, let’s also assume that they do have a loving supporting and working partner and together they chose for the mother to be at home. I know many couples where the decision was for the man to stay at home. My husband (with whom I share a surname), would be perfectly happy to be a stay at home dad – currently (being 6 months pregnant), I plan to go back to work part-time but we are open to that changing and perhaps we will both work part-time or I will stay home if that’s what we decide works best for our family. I love my job, but it does not define me as a person, nor does my name – I offer the definition of myself above to those who would make assumptions about me.
Like Stacey said, perhaps these women don’t need to qualify to others whether there is equality in our relationship or domestic responsibilities, as the “man” they are married to is not like his forebears – thankyou to those women who went before me and changed the world – we (and our partners) now have the ability to make these choices.
Oh, and my father chose to stay at home for a few years and raise his children (from his second marriage) as a single father… wonder where we can all categorise him
well, i think just about everything that could be said, has been said, but my two cents anyways…
First of all, slight sidenote: can we please banish the word housewife from the english language? People tend to marry people, not buildings.
Anyway, I can’t help but be hopeful that maybe these 20 somethings will strike the right balance. Our grand and great-grandmothers were expected to stay at home and raise the kids; their children rebelled against this and went to other extreme. I don’t see a major problem with either of these options – as long as you get to make the decision yourself, which is the most important thing.
But I think somewhere inbetween is best. I’d like to think I’ve got it right – for me, anyway. I do have a part-time job I do from home. I’m able to do it in my own time as long as I meet my deadlines. So, I work late nights at times and during nap time so I can essentially be a stay-at-home mum to two kids. So I can I play and create and teach and sing and enjoy my children – because I want to.
As for domestic goddessness, I can’t say I’m much of the traditional homemaker. I’m a terribly slack cleaner, but sometimes I make my own cleaning scrub because I don’t want to breathe those chemicals all the time. I don’t cook every night, but I bake cookies and cakes for afternoon tea occasionally in a beautiful apron because I like pretty homewares, have a sweet tooth and my son loves to help mix it all up. I love craft and I’m learning to sew, we’ve got the beginnings of a vegie patch happening and I am an expert flat-pack furniture put-togetherer, painter and redecorator. Some people would call this boring and no comparison to a “career”, but to me, these are all useful skills to have and learn. And they’ve inspired several business ideas.
So who’s to say that this new wave of “domestic goddesses” aren’t going to use all these skills the same way? Like start their own business which will give them a career and a family? Was it said that a stay-at-home wife/mother was ALL they aspired to be? Forever? (all the comments have clouded memory of original article!) So many great businesses were started by mums who put their talents to good use or found a niche they might not have found otherwise.
And finally, it actually makes some sense to start young – our bodies are built to have children at a younger age and once they’re at school, you’re still at a good age to enter the workforce properly, study or continue your original workpath without having that agonising decision so many women in their later 20s/early 30s have to make once they’re in fully established careers: delay baby? use childcare? stay-at-home? In some ways, they’ll be bypassing that big famous crossroads…
Hey NatalieB. I think the sad truth is that most (Cellist it’s ok, i said most!) men wouldn’t consider changing their name.
Ok, time to weigh in. I haven’t had time to read all of the comments but I have read quite a few. And I have a few questions:
With all the debate about taking or not taking your husbands name, a few people have mentioned not having the same name as your children as a reason to change your own. With so many people questioning the reason for changing your own name, why has no one questioned why the children are automatically named for their father? Surely both parents are equally responsible for the children so why does the father’s name get preference every time?
Also, to me feminism is about choice. The right to choose whatever you want. If you want to stay home, at least you have CHOSEN that and you can always change your mind if you dislike it. You can get back into the workforce if you want, and if you don’t want, at least there are options – you are not trapped.
PS. Enjoying gigdiary’s little comments speckled throughout all the lengthy replies!! xx
I am a 25 yr old, married,stay at home mum.
I am studying while I stay at home with my daughter and (God willing) dont plan on going back to full time work until all our (future unborn) children are at school.
Even then I will try to work in the school day and be home as soon as possible in the evening to be with them.
I also work in two different part time postions and I am allowed to take my daughter with me to work (Totally blessed!).
The way i feel is that my children have one mother. Anyone else can do my job, No matter how good I am,Im totally replaceable in the job market and thats cool with me. Where Im not replaceable is at home. I am ambitious and want to have a career but right now, I have other more important responsibilities.
Cellist,
I meant that observation for all on this thread who have talked about name changing. And it is a pertinent point. No woman derides a man for taking her name, yet argues against the reverse. Perhaps a bit of equality here is in order.
As you say, choice is the word.
A friend of mine commented recently ‘having kids means putting up with your own crap instead of dealing with other people’s crap’ and somehow that really summed it up for me.
Is it any wonder then we girls look longingly at mums sitting in parks smiling, playing with bub, and think ‘i want that’, ‘i want that simple life’ How did life ever get to be about work, deadlines, schedules and playing politics with the boss?
I’m almost 25 and finding the real world of work to be tough, brutal and often unforgiving. I am hardly at home and my phone rings non-stop. I see my parents about twice a year, as they live in the country and as it often is with us country gals, we have to move to the city to get work
Bianca- my parents had different surnames and I have no memories of being ‘confused’ at all. Not even certain what there is to be confused about!!
gigdiary – not sure if your comment was meant for me or someone else, but I certainly don’t deride anyone for taking their husbands surname. My point is there is a CHOICE! You can keep your own name; you can take your husbands; your husband can take yours; you can combine; friends of mine in a same sex marriage went through their family trees until they found a relative on each side of their family with the same name and took that name. CHOICE!!!
I think it’s great that some men are choosing to take their wife’s name, but i dont think that could be called the norm. (Yet!) So I think Kelly’s statement that women changing their name is “still the norm” is quite fair.
Irish Laura:
I’m sorry that you think so. The part of the comment I was responding to was this:
“As for women changing their names upon marriage, I can’t believe this is still the norm. I understand why some people would do it – each to their own – but why do the majority of women not question this custom? Why should we give up a part of our identity when they marry, while men are not expected to do sacrifice anything? it’s not a compromise if it’s one sided.
And while I’m on a rant, I don’t even get what’s romantic about taking your husband’s name – it stems from a time when marriage was a transaction between men. Dad pays a dowry to the husband and he takes wife and as part of his ownership, she takes on his name, ie. she’s his property. What’s lovey dovey about that?”
Kelly@SHE-POWER
My point was (and is) that this actually is not a one-sided custom any more. I believe that it is downright insulting to compare women (and men) choosing to change their names with the bad old days when this was simply what happened upon marriage. It no longer syumbolises that women are giving up their identity or (or legal standing as it did in the past). It’s a choice!
It also agnored the new reality that there are men out there who don’t just carry on with tradition and are happy to make sacrifices.
My point was that the choice goes both ways.
Do you know, I think this about realising we are making informed choices about what women want. Yes, people might trend towards careers and away from the kitchen, and then vice versa. That’s how these ‘movements’, well, move. We start at a point of realising we are not happy, so we take the extreme point of view to effect a change. Then, next generations modify that point of view to suit them, and so on. It’s not that big a deal to see that women are heading back into the kitchen if it suits them and on their own terms. Because guess what – they are back in with the rolling pin because it’s something they enjoy. These days, you can lead a woman to the kitchen but you can’t make her bake. If she does, don’t bitch and moan, why not enjoy eating the cake!
First we need to stop comparing women and each generation is different. Not all will conform to the domestic goddess, some will have to actually work because they have no choice whether it be because finances are tight or the “husband” falls ill.
My generation we were told we could have it all, the career, husband and babies. Why didn’t anyway say yes, you can have it all but not all at once because something will suffer and it is usually you.
To label women in there late 30’s and 40’s who are single desperate makes me so frickin’ angry, they may be single by choice or due to unforseen circumstances.
I once met a women in my 20’s who asked me if I was married yet, I said no, she replied, dear you don’t want to be left on the shelf. Do we really have to define ourselves into categories, married or not, is society that snobby that they don’t accept choices that are different from the own?
Wonderful discussion that this is, it presumes that there is a man out there working full-time. The issues here are self-fullfillment and successful parenting. And as such, this issue isn’t gender selective.
Women aren’t the only walking wounded in this war of the working parent. Too many men have gone to work every morning, returned late at night, and never known their children. In fact men from the war years were never home, they didn’t know their kids from Adam.
The boomers rebelled against this, choosing lifestyle and parenting over the prosperity that their parents had provided. Of course this back-fired, and the X-ers once again jumped on the gravy train. However, cutting your hair, and wearing a suit is no substitute for suitable parenting, nor is it a wise lifestyle choice.
Perhaps Gen Y has the chance to redress this dichotomy. They can recognise that baking cupcakes and studying for an MBA equate as worthwhile activities, that staying home is as important as deciding foreign policy, and realising that serving in your kids’ tuckshop rates as high as serving on the committee to save the whales.
Parents can be parents, and fulfilled adults at the same time. It’s all a question of balance. From the war babies, to the boomers and Gen X, maybe Gen Y do have a chance to get it right.
As Carm said, it will be the next generation that judges the success of this.
I am 27, a feminist, and i love cooking, craft, sewing and gardening. But none of these have anything to do with my partner. They are MY hobbies, and i dont do any of them to please him!
I guess my question is–why am I the one expected to be at home? Why can’t it be my husband? Why am I the one who’s supposed to be all disappointed about working and the corporate world, so I can escape to my kitchen and nursery, but my husband has to keep at it, and consequently rarely ever see the inside of the kitchen or the nursery? Why do I have to be the one who looks after him? Why can’t he look after me for a change?
I like working. I’ve always liked working, and I draw a tremendous sense of pride from the work that I do. I always think it’s strange when women argue that work is temporary while children last forever because, to be honest, I can’t imagine a point in my life when I won’t be working, although I know there will be a point when the children will leave home. Perhaps I won’t be working in an office for someone else, but I can’t imagine a day when suddenly I stop working and spend all my spare time sitting on a porch somewhere watching sunsets. I would like to accomplish something in this life–and while I know raising good children will be an accomplishment, too, I can’t imagine becoming so complacent about my talent and abilities and my potential that I’m willing to shrug my shoulders and walk away from all of it.
Sometimes I think women have heard so often that their value in the workplace and the world is so unnecessary or so small that they think walking away from it doesn’t really matter much. And I think that is sad. While I look forward to having children, and I have entertained the idea of staying home with them, at least while they’re small, I can’t imagine making the argument that children would be or should be my only contribution to the world. I’m assuming that my husband will be as much a part of my children’s lives as I will be. Why are the children only *my* contribution to the world, not his? Why should all my sense of accomplishment be tied up in offspring, and none of his be?
While I don’t deny a woman her choice, I do wonder how someone who is only 26 years old could make the argument, “I have nothing to prove.” How could you possibly have nothing to prove? You’re only 26! You still have everything to prove! Only someone completely convinced that they have seen and tasted all that life has to offer, and come away disappointed, could make that argument. Only someone completely convinced that they have nothing more in them to offer the world would make that argument, either. And somehow, arguing that being a stay-at-home mother will be “as fulfilling” as a job that you already admit you don’t find to be fulfilling at all doesn’t sound in the least appealing. It just sounds like giving up, both on yourself and on the world. That’s some reason to decide it’s time to shack up and raise children!
I always knew that I would always keep my name. I now have a different name to my husband and my son and I don’t regret it nor will I ever change it. Why is it that women always have to make many more compromises than men?
My husband loves my decision. In fact he is always boasting about it to anyone who’ll listen and thinks our son will grow up with a wonderful respect for women and an acceptance of their independance. People always say things like, ‘your children will get confused’. But I’d like to think my children will be a little more intelligent than that. It’s a personal decision but at the end of the day it takes a lot more than having the same surname to feel like a family unit.
while you deride taking your husband’s name, you celebrate him taking yours?
Stacey, you have made so many interesting points, I don’t know where to start…..
My column was – I think – written without judgement. Surprise perhaps but not judgement. I think a big part of feminism is so that the next generation of women CAN take things for granted. The way our generation takes access to contraception and abortion for granted because the generation of feminists before us fought for it.
If the legacy Gen X leaves Gen Y is that you looked at us trying to have it all, leaving baby-making too late and stressing ourselves into the ground….and decided you want to try it a different way?
Well, I’m good with that.
Wow Cellist, that was really rude and condescending, and I think you missed Kelly’s point altogether.
to: Kelly@SHE-POWER
Actually dear, there’s an increasing trend towards husbands taking their wives surnames. My husband did. His surname was hideous, mine is nice and this was the obvious outcome. Every female boss he has ever had has adored him for this choice and he’s actually never had bad feedback. In Australia this is perfectly legal.
And ‘Kelly@SHE-POWER’ I certainly don’t view my wonderful husband of seven years as my ‘property’.
Well said Stacey. Good comment. Perhaps Gen Y have got it right I agree… but we won’t be the judge of that our daughters will hahaha… Seriously though I love how our generation can learn to make and enjoy food from scratch (so empowering!) as opposed to just whacking packets of junk together to equal lunch. So relaxing how we can do it without being defiantly opposed to the thought of being “in the kitchen” as many of our successful mothers are! And yes of course we want our career too!!!
I’m with Pinny 100% – let’s stop judging each other – women in their 30’s and 40’s are forcing their view of how the world should be onto young women & judging them when they don’t meet the huge expectations our feminist trail blazers faught so hard to bestow upon them!
Maybe having it all is a totally outdated concept? I mean, has telling women they can have it all worked in terms of our society (not just for women)? or has it just applied tremendous pressure on women?
For me having it all has often meant putting my personal needs last …
Gosh, so many great comments. I am a SAHM, and I have been for almost 5 years. I have 2 kids at home and one at kindy 3 days a week. This is my chosen career and I LOVE IT. I always knew I wanted to be a mum and homemaker above all else, and in year 12 when we were doing our uni preferences and applying for tafe etc, I knew that whatever I chose to do would only be until I became a mum. I don’t think I ever “settled” though, in career or motherhood: for 10 years I had a very successful career, climbed higher up the ladder than I ever though I would, and when I left my job to have my first child, I was quite happy to leave my old life behind and enter this new phase of my life. And I like to think that I do so much more for my family than sit at home and bake cupcakes all day: I handle all the finances, bill paying and paperwork that lands in our letterbox (thank God for internet banking), I’m the one that organises Doctors’ appointments, checkups, immunisations and haircuts. And yes, I make all the lunches and do all the washing and ironing, including my husbands. But I am quite happy to do this, firstly because my husband is away with work a hell of a lot and when he is home, I’d prefer him to hang out with the kids, not have to scrub the shower, and secondly, well, because I do see it as part of my “work”. And this set-up works for our family. My husband is out of town a lot, but he loves his work, and is able to do it because I’m happy to stay home, and I in turn am able to stay home because his wage allows this to be possible. We are happy, and more importantly, our kids have 2 happy parents whose roles in the family compliment each other and work to everyone’s benefit.
This is one of those topics that tends to get people’s emotions running high. Every one has a different opinion and we often find ourselves judging others’ choices simply because they’re not the same as ours – I’ve been guilty of this. But I think the thing to remember is that we all make choices and choose paths based on our own unique circumstances, and just because one person’s path is different to another, doesn’t mean it’s wrong or foolish. And I think the main message that I got out of this post and the subsequent comments is “Choice”, and how lucky we are to have it. xxx
I am a professional and am currently on maternity leave. When I started my career I did so because it was what I loved and wanted to do. I have every intention of going back to work in the future and am also lucky that I can work from home as well as in the office but at the moment my career is taking a back seat. I am far from being a ‘domestic goddess’ but also enjoy being at home. This doesn’t mean that my husbands shirts are cleaned and ironed as soon as he wears them, nor his lunch placed in his lunch box each morning. I think there is a big difference between the ‘housewife’ of the 50’s and 60’s and the at home mum of now. I am a very independant woman and being at home with my child doesn’t mean I am a slave to the house and my husband. We don’t lose our indentity just because we don’t work outside the home, nor lose our minds.
heyjude you were being judgemental – but don’t feel you have to apologise for it.
You may have offended many people on here – I certainly could be one of them – but it is just your opinion so I am not going to get too upset about it.
I go back to my first post on the first page about why can’t women not judge one another and how to me feminism is about choice. I just think everyone is so busy defending themselves and what they have chosen to do with their children/careers/lives/marriages that they have to criticise other people to make themselves feel better and justify their own choice. Everyone is different. heyjude found housework ‘boring drugery’ but not everyone is like that, as many of these posts show.
Everyone is entitled to make their own choices and decisions about how they want to live their lives. The sooner we realise this the better.
You’re right Lulu. I did use a lot of words to prove something. A point on an internet forum. As opposed to living my entire life and selecting my aspirations and interests according to a narrow set of ‘rules’ designed to prove he point that I’m ‘not one of those women’.
Stacey, for a member of a generation which doesn’t feel it has so much to prove, you wrote a lot of words trying to prove something.
Have you considered Mia, that Gen Y simply have got it right? That as the first truly post Feminism generation that these women you speak of (none that I know, but then again you can find anecdotal evidence to prove any hypothesis)are choosing these activities because they actually like them, free of the hang ups of their Boomer and Gen X sisters? Perhaps cooking, gardening and sewing are interests these women actually enjoy, and take for granted the ability to do them free from judgement?
Perhaps these women don’t have as much to prove as their X sisters. Perhaps Gen X actually did a bit to advance the femenist cause and taught us some lessons. Perhaps these women take for granted the world in which they live and no longer define themselves by that which was denied to them 30 years ago, namely a career or the ability to keep their FATHERS last name. Perhaps they don’t need to justify every ‘boring’ domestic activity with ‘but my husband pulls his weight’ because our Gen Y parnters have learned a thing or two from Gen X and are capable of pulling their weight around the home without thought or complaint. Perhaps if the Boomers and the Xers stopped obsessing about metrosexuals they might learn a thing or two from their sons as well as their daughters.
Do you honestly thing Gen X has got it right? From where I stand it looks like Gen X are a generation obsessed with hooking and man and popping out a baby, but have so narrowly defined their options that they must pretend they want otherwise.
I take for granted my ability to love another person, start a family and also have a career and be self-fulfilled. It’s the gift the Boomers and the Xers gave to me. I’m the sum of a number of parts, not all of which are indicators that demographers can use to pigeonhole me.
The world has moved on. It’s about time the Boomers and the X’ers stopped whineing and obsessing about the shortcomings of Gen Y and handed over the reigns to a generation of women who may actually have the capacity to improve upon the hard work of the women who came before them.
Tee hee. The irony. Your blog is called Mama Mia, and I am guessing it’s not just because you’re an ABBA fan.
Women are so hard on one another.
It wasn’t so long ago that a woman who chose to pursue a career outside the home was ostracized, for the most part by other women.
Now it seems the tables have turned.
Women who choose home over career are now viewed as traitors.
As a grateful beneficiary of the social changes my Mother’s generation helped bring in, I feel one of their greatest achievements is to take away the expectation of what I should do with my life.
I am perfectly free to pursue my job, my family or my interests. The only thing that ever gives me a moments hesitation isn’t what my partner or my parents might think but the opinions of friends or colleagues – other women.
Wasn’t what we wanted a life free of repression or judgment? Why have women let themselves become their own worst enemies?
I really identify with a lot of people’s comments on this issue. I have looked forward to becoming a wife and mum since I was 15 (I’m 26 now – and halfway there). I was good at school, have a university degree, have travelled overseas, and had amazing times with my friends. but all the while I have been thinking about wanting the family life. I don’t think I’ve had to choose – I’m a journalist and hope to be able to work from home once the kiddies come along. But I have no desire to go back to full time work and put my kids in childcare. As many others have mentioned, women before us have done the ‘back to work in 6 weeks’ and it’s given the next generation the insight and evidnece to choose what works best.
Wow. A whole lot of important and interesting comments.
I find it interesting that there is this idea that women can only be one or the other – a career woman, or a mother. A suit wearer, or a baker. I’m 24 years old, currently engaged and getting married next year. I’m looking forward to raising children (but not for five years or so). The fact that I will be able to run a business from home, whilst care for children, whilst bake and tidy and sew, is entirely my choice and entirely my luck. As it is also my choice if I decide to turn up to an office everyday, as well as be a mother and a wife and a domestic goddess.
The appeal to be a domestic goddess is alive and well – but for varying reasons. I, for one, find it amazing that some people can’t cook a decent meal. Maybe it’s just because I love food, but, for a man or woman to not be able to cook and enjoy a dinner, or a cake, or something that they create with raw ingredients, is astounding.
There is something to be said for women wanting to create and learn things, things from their grandmothers generation. Intelligence isn’t just something you need for a job – to cook, or sew, or clean, or organise – requires a great deal of intelligence. Some women in their 20s would rather sew their own hems on their pants, or buttons on their shirts, than go to a alteration store and pay through the nose for something quite simple, yet quite important.
There is power in knowing how to do things. Every day, simple things. When you create, you have the power to inspire. When you learn, you have the power to then teach. When you do things for yourself, there is a power in the pride it gives you. The sense of achievement and the self-esteem boost.
What I’ve discovered is that many women in Gen Y still do want it all – it’s just their version of “all”. No one version is better than the other. But I’ll be dammed if I’ll allow my generation of women – the 20 something Gen Y’s – to continue to accept criticism. Because, after all, if we were pumped up with career gusto, then we’d be criticised for forgoing children and being terrible homemakers.
Maybe we’re the generation finding balance – between our grandmothers, mothers and Gen X. We still want it all. And we’re pretty darn close to getting it.
Emma….there are so many comments here worthy of response but since you addressed yours to me personally, let me answer you.
I’m unsure as to what part of my column annoyed you so much. Maybe you should have read it to the end…..
If it was the use of the term ‘Waity Katie’ then I make no apologies. In the context of reporting on a social trend, I found Andrew Morton’s comments about Kate Middleton really interesting.
I try not to limit my writing just to stuff I agree with….that would be dull. My objective is always to spark a conversation or a thought process in someone’s head…..
You haven’t really shared your opinion on the subject of young domestic goddesses. Come on! Get amongst it!
I plan to take my husband’s name if/when i get married, but it’s not something that was obvious to me – I thought about it long and hard. (And im not even engaged or anything at the moment!) I considered double barrel, i considered creating a new name with my husband, i considered keeping my maiden name. My boyfriend is very traditional and doesn’t see it as a question – the woman takes the man’s name because that’s just what happens! I view it quite differently. He would NEVER take my name. It would just be out of the question. So why is it considered ’standard’ for a woman to give up her name? And regarding the comment that my last name is my dad’s name, not my own name – It’s the name I’ve had my whole life. I’ve built my identity for 21 years and the whole time, I have been called Laura Beasant. So it may be my dad’s name, but it is also MY name. It’s me. And yes, in some ways it’s a link to my dad – who died when I was 13. I like that link.
In the end, I decided that I want to have the same name as my kids. I want us to have a united family name. So THAT’S why I’ve decided to compromise on this, and make Beasant my middle name, taking my husband’s name as my surname. (I want my boyfriend to make Beasant HIS middle name too, but he’s not keen! I’ll have to work on him…. Maybe I should make him read this comment haha.)
It’s still something I’m not completely comfortable with.
The one thing I REALLY don’t get is this. How come if Jane Smith marries Joe Bloggs…. Miss Jane Smith becomes Mrs Joe Bloggs. Complete identity replacement. WHAT is that about? I’ll be Ms Laura Beasant always. I’ll only be adding a name on to the end.
Wow. this comment got really long. Sorry! I didn’t know I was so passionate about this!! No wonder I struggled to answer ur original twitter in 140 characters Mia!!!
Yes, being a housewife ‘domestic goddess’ may not be the choice for some women but school and local communities couldnt get by without them. Who else would work in the school canteen, help out on excursions, attend reading groups in class and cook meals for families in need ?
Apart from running my home, helping my kids do their homework and after school sports, being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and finding time to exercise the above are all the things that take up my week. I have a friend who does meals on wheels and another who does other charity work. Sure its not rocket science, but we’re certainly not bored or depressed. Far from it. Not that I dont know any who are, I do. But these women are quite self focussed and wont look beyond themselves and their own backyard. This isnt unique to housewives either. My motto is ‘you only get out of it what you put into it’ and for me its so true.
I am 33, a lawyer and divorced. There is no doubt in my mind that becoming a lawyer later in life contributed to the end of my marriage. Now, two years later, I can’t believe I let something as mundane as a career get in the way of family.
I am still ambitious but I would rather be successful in my relationships – family, friends, new husband (if I am so lucky), kids – than in my career. And I would rather have a career that is more accommodating of that kind of lifestyle.
I have always considered myself to be a feminist but as I get older I am amazed by how strongly I feel that I want to be in a rather traditional relationship, looking after someone and being looked after. This doesn’t mean I don’t also want to pursue outside interests but it does mean that I would rather centre my life around a core relationship than around work.
I had a cancer scare a few years back and let me tell you, when you are in that kind of place it becomes crystal-clear that the people in your life are what matters and not the work.
I also think it is worth mentioning that the sentiments I’m expressing are increasingly shared by all of my 30-something and 20-something friends.
I was at a dinner party on Saturday night and one of the other guests was a woman in her late 40s who has been single for seven years. I’m sorry, but I looked at her and thought I just don’t want that. I want to be happily ensconced in a relationship that grounds me well before my 40th birthday.
Who knows if I will be so fortunate, but I think it is incredibly disingenuous of your friend, Mia, to discount the views women have on this subject. I bet you anything he changes his tune when he gets married and has kids.
Well said Cath.
I am a mid-20s woman. I went to one of the best selective high schools in Sydney, blitzed the HSC, completed a 5 year undergraduate degree with honours and started a masters degree. Now at 25, I want nothing more than to find a stable job which will give me a decent income until my fiance and I get married at the end of the year, and can start a family maybe next year.
I am highly intelligent, I am a feminist, I have strong ambitions about what I want to do in this world and what needs changing (and I work in an environmental field). But I also spend my time crafting, volunteering and baking. Why? I saw my parents miss out on spending time with us as kids, I see the desperate 30-somethings who complain about a man drought but don’t realise it is them who is the problem.
I don’t want it all – I want to raise a happy, healthy family and I don’t want to miss out on my kids lives because I’m slaving away in an office somewhere. I’ll make the changes I want to see in the world through volunteering, not working.
I think it’s normal for all of us to have different needs throughout our lives. When I left school – I worked hard to get into a career that interested me and I could ‘move around in’. But it was also important that it was a job that paid well enough for us to buy a house, and had great maternity leave entitlements, because I knew the day would come when I would want that. Sure enough, I did, and I loved being at home with my baby, but when I felt I needed to get back into work part time – I did that.
I’ve had four babies, 11 varied and interesting jobs in the same organisation later, and this is our third house (and mortgage!). Now I’m working hard to make some progress in my new career, while keeping the other one for security, and juggling my family roles and responsibilities.I still love my family, and make the occasional cupcake! The whole cooking and cleaning thing jusn’t isn’t as high on my agenda as it used to be – I think with me, once I learn to do something, I need to increase the difficulty and learn something different. I’m not saying this is rational! It’s just how I am. It’s how many of us are. And no-one should feel the need to apologize for any of that.
Like most women, I don’t want to be defined by the term ‘Domestic Goddess’ or ‘Career Woman’. Just Cath, thanks. We’re evolving creatures – we change and grow. It’s not like you have to pick one path and stay on it forever. Except with footy teams, of course! If young Katie aspires to be the perfecr wife and hostess, that’s her perfect right – it’s where she’s at. It doesn’t have to be her life script forever. Diana began her royal life much the same, but ended up becoming her own woman, ultimately doing some great work for some of the less popular charities.
If someone wants to work hard at their career – I say ‘You go, girl!’ If someone else wants to nest and say at home, I say ‘You go, girl!’ Whatever makes you happy, and works best for those close to you, is the right thing for you at any given time. When your needs change, and you make a change, that can also be the right thing. There’s no such thing as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here, just right and wrong for you.
I am loving all these comments.
For me, I would much rather look after one beautiful baby then manage 15 d**kheads at work. I am loving being at home; I am a crap cook and housework is not my forte. But I am relishing lying on the lounge room floor reading Spot books, singing songs and doing ridiculous things trying to make the baby laugh.
I will be returning to work, at this stage because we will need the $$ when the paid mat leave runs out. But who knows, in a few months I may be looking forward to going back to work. Would I go back sooner if I really really really loved my job? Good question.
My priority is my family and I don’t feel defined by my job or that going back to work is getting ‘on with my life’. I am living, believe me!
Angie:
“I think that this backflip could be a result of young women who saw how hard it was on their mothers who tried to have it all (in terms of successful career and family), and just don’t want to go there.”
I grew up with a mother who stayed home (only worked for a couple of brief periods in my childhood). I saw how hard *that* was on her, & hell would freeze over before I’d repeat that.
I’ve been really uncomfortable about this article and I’m still not entirely sure why.
I guess I’m not really the demographic, being 37 and childless (not by choice, I might add). It’s some of the cliches you’ve used here Mia that trouble me, like using ‘gingham aprons’ as short hand for being a happy, domestic homebody. That’s kind of a put down, I think. Like being at home, or being someone who enjoys the domestic sphere, makes you automatically very twee.
A friend of mine stayed home for 10 years with her three children and said that what she discovered was that the world wasn’t like she had previously thought. She said she discovered a wonderful community of women who were looking for a way to get the interactions and satisfaction in their stay-at-home lives as they did from their work. This didn’t mean watching day time TV all day (another cliche) or spending their days in the drudgery of housework.
These women supported each other in finding projects, activities, groups that fulfilled them. Some gave time to community based activities, whether it was charity or whatever, some formed collectives where childcare arrangements were shared etc. She said the home based world was wonderful and energetic.
The experience is what you make it, I’m sure.
As for me, I’m hopelessly, devotedly a home body. If I could give up work, with or without children, I would. I enjoy my own space; my own time; the scope to be creative and self sufficient. Sitting at a desk in an office just takes me away from what I love best.
And i agree using Kate Middleton as an example was a bit off. Really, she’s nothing like the rest of us.
“I just want a hell of a lot more for my daughter than many of the young women here seem to expect for themselves.” – heyjude.
Shouldn’t this whole discussion be about what your daughter wants for herself?
I think a lot of women who are like this are just spoilt. Being a SAHM mum is like working from home and having your own business. You are typically working 24/7 or close to it, you LOVE what you do, you set your own schedule/timetable.. however working means dealing with others over the phone, by email, and face-to-face etc and having deadlines etc.
SAHMs don’t have deadlines as such. Sure they might have to get dinner ready by 6 but if they have it ready by 7 nothing is going to happen..
if someone turns up to work an hour late or misses an appointment/deadline, they will suffer consequences.
A lot of women like this tend to be only children, only girls, or youngest child in the family I find. Most of them will have rich husbands who work very long hours. If I had a life/husband like that I would not like it at all and would be skeptical about all these long overseas business trips… if these women go on to have daughters they want their daughters to turn out exactly like them – spoilt.
I used to want the marriage, wife, kids, picket fence lifestyle but now I don’t so much.
Coming out of a marriage and now separated and in my early 30s I love the life I have now. Admittedly I should have been doing this in my 20s but it’s better late than never. I am doing what I want, how I want, with noone to undermine or question me, or hold me back.
I read my friend (who have kids)’s updates on Facebook and Twitter and cringe at the constant updates about their kids. They don’t even update on their OWN lives.. it’s as if their existance has been replaced by their offspring. I find the minutiae of their lives so… boring. Meanwhile I have other friends living overseas, having fun, going to parties, travelling extensively…
I so don’t want to be living in a 3/4 acre block in suburbia, driving around in a 4wd, being obese (because there is nothing within walking distance and all I do is stay at home all the time or go for a 10min drive to the local shopping mall).
I went to see a GP a few years ago for depression medication and he told me one of his colleagues wives, despite being a SAHM and living a luxury life in a mansion in Mosman is miserable and depressed. After that insightful talk I really did feel that all these so-called happy rich wives (and celebs) are not that happy at all.. it’s all an act. Not to mention they are extremely superficial, materialistic and perfectionistic but SO SO bitter and unhappy (and I know a few people like that).
Sure this response is very judgemental but why should I hold back? I’ve had my fair share of mums shoving their I’m-so-happy-with-my-50-kids life in my face and getting the “Aren’t you getting on? Why don’t you hurry up and have kids?” “Why are you still single?” crap.
I’m just talking about kids though. I don’t care about the arty crafty cooking gardening stuff. If people want to do that, good on them! I don’t think it’s done more nowadays then before, though. But I think Martha Stewart has a lot to do with it though. And also the rising affluence of everyone who can afford better things for their children and not to mention the ‘competitive’ factor amongst wives/mums who try to outdo each other with baking their precious daughter/son their first birthday cake and decorating their party/house to the max, etc. I think celebrities have been bringing a lot of this culture to the masses who seek to emulate their life.
I see people.. many many people pushing those ridiculously expensive $800 prams everywhere (and I don’t live in a particularly affluent suburb) and think back to MY childhood and how 1) those prams did not exist and 2) if they did the celebs would definitely be the only ones who could afford and have them.
People just want everything. They want to do what they want. Stay at home. Work from home. Buy their kids (or pets) everything. They are never happy (just like celebs).
i’m in my twenties and have no idea what i want to do with my life. i have a good job with potential to develop, but i’m not sure i actually want a ‘high-flying’ corporate career, or to be uber-successful. i’m reasonably intelligent but lack direction. i have decided that i would like to stay at home, raise kids and run a household. i will most likely keep some form of employment.
my point is, for years i have been surrounded by girls who have always known what they want to do, call themselves ‘feminists’ and look down on women who stay at home and look after kids. am i any less worthy, am i letting down the sisterhood, for wanting to stay at home? i don’t think so. just as they are justified in choosing their careers, so am i in making this choice.
thanks for bringing this issue to light. i am sick of being looked down on for my goals.
I’m 20 yrs old, at uni, and absolutely NOT one of these ‘young domestic goddesses’(nor do I have any aspirations of being one). My first priority is my education and career and that will not change. I’ll have a kid at 30, maybe, and I wont quit my job do to it. I think there are a lot of girls out there who want to be a housewifey type of person but they don’t only want that they just want a taste of it. They’ll get educated and start a good careers first then start being a housewife but I doubt they’ll stay being one for long or wont do it completely e.g They’ll work from home, work part time, start a business or go back to full time work after a few years but they certainly arent reverting completely back to 1950s.
I also (temporarily) pitched in a senior management role to bring up the smalls. Whether I love it or not is all beside the point. I am grateful that I could choose … and can change my mind again should I wish.
After all the effort our older sisters went to for the right to choose, why do we then turn round and critise some of the choices that women make? Each to their own.
Mia, my favourite part of Sunday morning, which I look forward to every week, is sitting down with my breakfast and “S”, when I turn straight to your column. I’ve got to admit that yesterday I was so annoyed by your column that for the first time in many years, I couldn’t even finish it.
I got to the bit about …. “Kate Middleton or Waity Katie as the UK media have so patronisingly dubbed her.” Mia – if the UK media are so bloody patronising, why bother validating the description by repeating it. So hypocritical of you. And so disappointing.
remember, ladies, your name came from your father, not some high falutin’ vestige of another era. It was simply your Dad’s name. So what, you prefer your Dad’s name over your future family’s name? Doesn’t really matter either way does it?
As always, I am in love with Lu. Her views are those that you can take to the bank. She’s solid gold!
Changing my surname when I married was important to me because it represented that we are a family unit, unified with the same family name. I dont judge women who dont, thats their business. But for me it makes life easier having the same surname as my kids and husband.
All very well having a family over career – but what about the poor few women whose husband leaves them and they are left with the children and no job to support them?
Im 26, single, with a full-time job & a mortgage and i find the only people who comment on my “situation” is married women with babies.
They all have a habit of saying “when are you going to settle down and get married?” as if i know the date or ive been putting it off.
Im sick of having to explain why im single, why can’t everyone just worry about themselves, my life is not anyone’s concern.
If your happy being married with bubs then good on you, but if i have no want at this age to get married & have a child im wondering if i ever will, and i dont want to be judged for it.
Marriage & babies doesnt equal happiness for everyone.
Might I suggest that educated women who leave the workforce to concentrate on family have not opted for a lobotomy.
You see, you can go back to the workforce when the time is right for your family. Especially if you got yourself an education before you started that family.
There are some barriers. But it would be a big leap ahead for feminism if those barriers were taken away.
Feminism isn’t about expecting all women to stay in the workplace, regardless of their personal desires.
It is about offering choice. Choice to stay at home or go to work, at whatever time they see fit for their family.
I think you just did, Tara!
Kelly your comment really rang true for me!
I am totally in love with my boyfriend and we want to get married and have babies…but even though I am certain that we will work out I will NEVER leave myself unable to fend for myself and earn my own money.
My mum was a stay at home mum for most of my childhood. She was the quintessential stay at home mum…she was president of the P&C, ran the clothing pool, helped out at school and ferried me to my million and one after school commitments.
I remember my early childhood up until about 13 or 14 as being a brilliant time. I loved having my mum to come home to every afternoon.
BUT…as with any idyllic life, cracks start to appear. And by the time I was 16 I was begging my parents to divorce. I always expected that divorce would be the answer to all our issues and that life could regain some normalcy.
However, as my mum retained full custody of myself and my younger brother, she was forced to go back to work. At 43 my mum had lost a lot of the job skills she once had and struggled to find a job that supported us.
This was the worst experience of my life. Watching as my mum struggled to keep our family together in the family home and somehow support us on her miniscule wage. That we made it out the other side still amazes me and I am in awe of the strength my mother had ans still has.
So while I like to believe that life is sunshine and roses and I will wholeheartedly throw myself into my relationship and eventual marriage and babies, I will never leave myself without the skills or ability to support my family.
Phew…and I didn’t really even address the 25 year old domestic goddess thing!
I think its sad that its acceptable in our society for well paid people to exploit underpaid workers to raise their kids for them. If you are going to use childcare dont find the cheapest centre possible. The least you can do is look for a centre that looks after their staff as well. That way your kids will be spending their days with appreciated, respected & happy childcare workers.
And as for the argument that if you leave work behind you are at risk in the event of divorce, death or unemployment of your spouse. I choose to live for whats happening today, not for what may never happen tomorrow.
“Cleaners are for keeping the houseclean and child care is for looking after children while you get on with your life.” Please heyjude not all housewives/mothers are bored, one reason I choose to raise my children rather than dumping them in child care so I can “get on with my life” is that I was raised by the career mum who was always working and when she wasn’t at work she was tired and stressed from working. Maybe your daughter will have a different attitude than you do towards child rearing?
As a 30s woman who left her career to focus on her child, I know the value in being the mum. But it’s also a massive risk to throw all your eggs in the family basket without your own livelihood to fall back on.
No one ever wants to think their great love can fall apart and end in divorce, but almost half of all marriages do. So, if you’re at home baking cookies and hubby is out earning the money, then you and your kids will be in for a rude shock if your marriage ever breaks down. And that’s not even going into the damage you’re doing to your superannuation fund.
Part time work or self employment is the best compromise, if you can manage it. Work also gives you something for yourself, something that is about you as an individual, not you, the mum and wife.
As for women changing their names upon marriage, I can’t believe this is still the norm. I understand why some people would do it – each to their own – but why do the majority of women not question this custom? Why should we give up a part of our identity when they marry, while men are not expected to do sacrifice anything? it’s not a compromise if it’s one sided.
And while I’m on a rant, I don’t even get what’s romantic about taking your husband’s name – it stems from a time when marriage was a transaction between men. Dad pays a dowry to the husband and he takes wife and as part of his ownership, she takes on his name, ie. she’s his property. What’s lovey dovey about that?
Kelly@SHE-POWER
I don’t know whether I am jealous of women who give up paid employment, or think they are engaging in risky behaviour.
Me? I’m too insecure. Divorce. Death. The single wage earner losing their job.
I couldn’t risk my child’s future by giving up my ability to support the whole family on my wage. It might never come to that… Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to take the risk. Other days taking the risk seems overly optimistic.
gc you can have it all!
I work for myself (drafting). I work from home. I can be working while dinner is in the oven and a load of washing is in the machine. The littlies go to kindy 4 days a week and I’m always there to pick my eldest up from prep at 3pm. Sometimes I bake. Sometimes I work til midnight to meet a deadline. It’s a juggle but I think I do have it all and it is grand!
Now if I could just cut back the hours I spend on Mamamia and Twitter I’d have more billable hours.
I’m 32, have been married for 4 years and with hubby for 8 years, we have two young children with whom I currently stay home full time.
Prior to their births I worked in admin in a job I really didn’t like but at which I stayed as it was close to home and paid well. Before that I had a string of other jobs similar. Why? Because at 32 I still don’t know what I want to be “when I grow up”. I’ve done the uni thing, the travelling thing, the varied occupations thing, and now I am doing the Stay At Home Mum thing. And you know what? I LOVE IT!. Ok, I’m not Martha Gardiner or Martha Stewart or whoever she is, and No, my house isn’t going to be in Home Beautiful anytime soon. But I am loving spending my time with my kids, enjoying their before-school ages so much and (hopefully) being a great mum to them while they are in my full time care until they begin school.
Maybe when they go to school I will discover the Thing I Want To Do? Maybe I won’t and it will be back to the boring job I am on mat leave from? Who knows. But in the meantime, to me staying at home is NOT settling – I settled far more for jobs that I hated before finding that I am a really good mum. Just ask the neighbours who see me through the window dancing to the Wiggles, wearing boxes on my head (my son is going through a robot phase..), painting, pasting, colouring, dressing up, sharing and loving my kids. They will tell you that I am having the time of my life right now. And I have plenty of “grown-up” interaction with other mums, my regular friends, family etc. I don’t have perpetual baby-brain, I just enjoy playing with my kids and watching them grow and change daily. It’s fascinating to me!
And for the record, I didn’t change my name when we married, I don’t make my husband’s lunch (or dinner half the time..), iron his clothes or have his slippers and pipe out ready for him when he gets home. As I have told his mother on several occasions – his arms aren’t painted on.
It’s not often I find myself nodding at some point during every single comment but that’s been my reaction so far. There are elements of EVERYONE’S view that I can relate to – even though the views are wildly fluctuating.
I hate the way that being a stay at home parent (for example) is viewed by some (e.g. HeyJude – oooh controversy!) as ’settling’. It’s not settling if you’re happy with your choices.
HeyJude, I really appreciate and respect your honesty. But come on, not everyone can afford a cleaner and childcare – major reality check!
Was it Pinny that said, why don’t women just support and respect each others choices? Why are we so hard on other women all the time?
I know it can be hard NOT to judge. I look at some of my family members who are SAHMs who have no desire to ever work again, and think ‘aren’t you going positively batty?!’ But then, they’re really cool with being who they are. And why should I judge, at the end of the day. Why can’t I just be happy with their choices.
Personally, for me a blanace is ideal. At home all day, every day would make me bored as batshit. Working 5 days a week would be a stretch. I suggest a 3 day week, if you can make it happen!
I think women have woken up and realised that once children are born you have to accept that its simply not all about you any more.
I grew up with a career woman mum and while we had lots of nice things we didnt have a lot of happy times. She was always busy, as was dad, and they were always stressed and grumpy. And I dont call seeing your parents for a few hours at night and weekends a quality childhood.
I made the choice to leave my career in banking behind because my children deserved more of me than my career would allow me to offer them if I didnt leave. I wanted to be a mum, not a part-time mum.
I know many women who try to combine it all and dont know any who have been succesful. It all falls down eventually. Things on the workfront slip, kids start to complain and notice or the marriage deteriorates. The biggest factor though is the childrens behaviour. I have 3 friends who have left work or cut back because it was recommended by their school because their childrens behaviour and learning was suffering because both parents werent home very often. Its really not worth it. If you cant make some sacrifices for your family, why have them?
Wow. I read some of these comments and wanted to weep. I am in my early 40s and obviously from not only another generation but another planet.
Hopefully the terrifying conservatism of some of these posts reflects the reader demographic here (I’d guess stay at home mothers or people with a lot of time on their hands).
I really don’t mean to sound judgmental and I do apologise if I come across that way but come on!
This backlash is really scary and I shudder when I think about what it means for the next generation of women, my young daughter included.
It never entered my mind to give up my career to stay home and look after babies and husband.
I have raised one adult child and have two approaching their teenage years. I did compromise but I would never have traded in my work to become a housewife.
I love my work and it defines me more than my status as a parent.
I also love my children and while my choice of lifestyle means I am often tired and stretched for time, I’d rather that than be a bored housewife any day.
Frankly, I’d rather chew off both arms than spend my days cooking, cleaning and looking after small children and a husband. It’s boring drudgery. I have tried it and I can’t believe anyone with half a brain really finds it enjoyable.
Surely there’s more to life? Cleaners are for keeping the houseclean and child care is for looking after children while you get on with your life. You do come back home to them at the end of the day, you know.
And raising children is not the most difficult job in the world. What utter crap. I’d suggest being the Secretary General of the United Nations or a war correspondent might be a tad more challenging.
I just don’t get why it has to be all or nothing: you have to be a “full time mum” or a “career woman”. Why can’t you just be a normal person doing a job you enjoy and are good at AND a parent? What is the big deal?
For me, giving up my career to become a housewife would have just been a cop out.
Anyway I realise I have probably just alienated myself from every single person here but I had to say it.
I just want a hell of a lot more for my daughter than many of the young women here seem to expect for themselves.
Also I must say I don’t really like the use of Kate Middleton as the pin up girl. The fact that she is almost a princess and has an actual Prince makes us look a bit ridiculous if she is representational. As if we are all these silly girls waiting for our fairy tale & a Prince. Difference with our generation is we are more realistic in terms of the “fairytale” we understand the pain that Divorce brings and so are willing to work hard towards a good relationship and are also panicked about having kids before we are no longer fertile. I think Bec Hewitt would have been a better example since she is Australian and the entire article has been about the local phenomenen here… Bec is in her 20s, married & has a baby. There are also plenty of celebrities from Hollywood regularly featured here who qualify ~ Nicole Richie in her 20s married, baby, pregnant & happy about it… Scarlett Johannasan married, Jessica Alba… heaps!
I’m 27 with a 6 month old son. I’m bored.
As others have said I too enjoy cooking and did so before i was married or had a baby – in fact i had more time for it. I hardly make any exciting meals anymore. I love my little boy very much and while i treasure every moment with him i miss the adult interactions i had at work much more than the work itself (and i’m a teacher so there was precious little of it). It’s important to me that I have a life outside being a mother and a wife (and i know i don’t sound like it but i do enjoy those things). I’m not going to rush back to work – i really don’t know how people manage it logistically – but it’s important to me to have the balance Rachel Hills mentioned. This includes work and friends as well as being a mum.
I would find it hypocritical to do otherwise since i don’t think i would be very pleased if my son ended up with a partner who had no goals outside being a ‘domestic goddess’.
Is it possible to have both? I’m 16 years old and would love to one day have a successful career AND a beautiful family. I don’t ever want to be solely defined as a wife or mother but i also don’t want my relationships with my future husband and kids to suffer as a result of my working. I know that if i choose one dream over the other, i will forever feel i am missing out on something and that i am not whole. Can anyone manage both without losing something in the process?
And on taking your husband’s name – my english teacher’s 3 kids all have his wife’s last name. His suggestion, not hers. They are happily married and did it as a way of speaking out against society’s sexist traditions. He says that the only downside is that everyone assumes the kids aren’t his – an upside when they are throwing tantrums in the lolly aisle
So if you are not cooking or cleaning for yourself, then who is? Are you still living at home with mum and dad who do all the chores? Do you have a housekeeper and a gardener? You have children and then apologise for staying at home to look after them because you should be working? Are we aliens from another planet here or something? 100 years ago, lionesses pack hunted and raised their cubs together. They brought their kill home and the big, greedy lion chased them all away until he was satisfied and left the scraps for mum and the kids to bicker over. Unless living in captivity, in a zoo or something, I’m guessing these animals in the wild are doing the same thing.
I’m with you there Pinny. While men may judge us, its when women judge each other that really grates me. Hello… we are on the same side here; we need to support each other in what we choose to do. It’s hard enough to make these choices without the snide comments on the side. I didnt work when I first had my kids and was judged for it, e.g “what a waste of a law degree”. I felt that I had to justify why I was a stay at home mum. I am back to part-time work and of course…there is a suggestion that I have abdicated the care of my kids to a nanny and get remarks about how your kids are only young once and you dont want to miss these developmental stages. The most judgmental i find are OTHER MUMS – now why is that! Don’t get me wrong – I find that i am guilty of this type of talk sometimes – why do we get ourselves into these discussions? My view is that we are trying to justify our chosen path, i.e if you work, you tend to judge mums who dont and vice versa.
It was never a conscious decision for me. I loved my job and when I fell pregnant I spent most my time stressing over what or who I would be without out. Once the baby came along I just completley forgot about work. I felt liberated. I was now my own boss, managing a household. Sure the pay is pretty crap but the rewards? Could not be better.
)
I am the wife, mother and daughter that makes pasta and grows vegies. I get to paint and go on adventure walks with my toddler, I get to socialise with my wonderful neightbours, and gets to skype my parents in the middle of the day.
Sure i loved managing eight staff under me, working for the government and seeing the very little difference I was making. I loved learning and teaching and most of all I loved being part of something. My new something is much greater. And two years on I can’t even imagine going back to work. Lucky for us it’s not a financial decision. Bring on the domestic goddess I say! (Although I would never say no to a house cleaner
I’ve been waiting for this column ever since you twittered those questions!
I read through all the comments and I think in the end I like Carm’s response – why can’t a girl bake cupcakes? It frustrates me that when young women enjoy cooking, or crochet, or whatever, it is assumed that they have assumed this ideal of domesticity to “please a man”, and that they are consequently “keen on marriage”. What do cupcakes have to do with walking down the aisle?
I am 22 and my friends and I love to cook, enjoy having dinner parties (with increasingly elaborate dishes) and even have a knitting group! The catch – not all of these friends are female. Although the ‘crafty’ movement (as featured in last week’s Age) is predominantly female, I think its a bit false to assume that it is only young women who enjoy cooking or homemaking.
Moreover I was a little surprised to hear you say “who knew there were so many 23-year-olds out there baking, crocheting, gardening, marrying, procreating, making their own pasta and having Tupperware parties?” – why lump marriage/children in with making one’s own pasta? I think maybe what is least understood is that it is possible to enjoy all these domestic activities as worthwhile activities in their own right, rather than as linked to some kind of ideal of wives and mothers.
As a soon-to-be arts graduate, I am keen to get out there and launch my career and make something of myself. Does wanting to have a career preclude my knowing how to bake a kick-ass sponge cake?
Moreover I am appalled by the misrepresentation of young women as “using the whole uni and career thing as a springboard to meeting appropriate blokes” – I have certainly never heard anyone say such a thing, and I would like to hear from even one person who thinks this way! This concept undermines the efforts of women in universities everywhere – I wonder where your friend is meeting these young women.
I’m really glad to read all these comments. I agree that a 37 year old looking to date 20 year olds shouldn’t be the judge of women and their life choices. Being at home with small children is a great challenge but can also be a rich and happy life. I try not to judge women who go back to work straight after having babies (I try
) or women who stay home and do nothing else. We all have our own idea of what’s right but you seem to be saying here that young women have to only have work success as a goal.
I just wrote a long post about how I can’t relate to so many of my friends who are into the young domestic goddess mindset, and then I realised I’m possibly the embodiment of it.
I’m 25, married with 2 kids and my career is put on hold for the moment while I enjoy my children’s baby/toddler stage. I can’t wait to build my career once we’re done having children, and I really love that I won’t reach a point where I’ll have to choose between career or biological clock, because I’ll already have my family. I know at first I’ll be behind other women my age, but once they start having families I’ll catch up and probably be ahead of them when/if they decide to come back.
Cooking is something I enjoy, but it’s not out of any urge to ‘take care of my man.’ It’s a passion I inherited from my father and grandmother, and hopefully my children will inherit it as well.
I took my husband’s last name purely for visa-related reasons. I figure either way I’m using a man’s name- my father’s or my husband’s- so why not. We also got married young for visa reasons, we probably would have waited a few more years if we didn’t need a visa. Not because we thought we were too young, just because marriage wasn’t really on our radar then. Both children were unplanned (but not unexpected, if that makes any sense). I don’t know when we would have planned to have children, but I doubt we would have waited until my 30s to start.
So I guess I kind of am a young domestic goddess, although I certainly didn’t set out to be. I’d much prefer to be compared with Michelle Obama than Kate Middleton though, Waity Katey sounds so pathetic, I don’t want a Queen like that.
Well, what do you want said at your eulogy? This seems a sad way to look at things, but think about it – do you want someone to say, “oh, she was the CEO of 20 different companies” or “she was the glue that held this family together?” Some 20 somethings may respond to either of those. As a 26 year old, recently married, with a great career I am looking forward to being a mum. However my husband is planning on retiring to be stay at home dad so I really can have it all. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Was this friend Sam De Britto?????
This is a big issue among my friends and I (who generally range from 22-28). We’re split fairly evenly down the middle between those who are studying well into their twenties and want a high-flying career with family as an afterthought, and those who work hard but want to start a family now, not in ten or fifteen years.
My fiance and I own a home and are planning our wedding and a family, and I absolutely love being a home-maker in the true sense of the word. I love cooking and my partner loves ‘blokey’ things like landscaping and building. But we regularly joke about the fact that we have fallen into these stereotypical gender-based roles simply because they are what we enjoy. I also work full time and continue to draw a lot of confidence and enjoyment from my professional successes.
I think it’s true that women in my generation feel confident that they do whatever they want with their life – it’s our choice. Whereas a lot of late-Boomers, early-GenX-ers that I know missed out on kids – possibly because they felt they had to prove themselves in their career much more than we do.
Yep 26 with three kiddies and very content, I’m finished making babies so maybe later in my thirties onwards I might choose to have a career *grins*
I think its condescending to say women in their 20s only care about “snaring a man” this is not true at all… however many of us have grown up with divorce and broken homes being a real reality and in turn we don’t mind being devoted and old fashioned & looking after our men such as “Waity Katie”.
We want a balance of careers and domestic bliss and we understand if that is not necessarily going to happen at the same time.
I find it hilarious that this is a concept bizarre to grasp for women who lead the “we can have it all” march. Scoffing at housework like its disgusting and demeaning to one’s worth as a woman… Many of us girls work & study and are successful too. It is not shameful and in fact it is admired if you can cook within circles of 20 year olds. Not exactly a nanna when you are 20 but sexy and a cook! Men do like a woman that can cook its true… And so what? Is that degrading? To want to please a man? Really? My generation believe more in compromise. He will be more likely to put effort into u and the relationship if he sees you are too.
Like others have voiced it is about choices and determining what is best for the individual. Why can’t a girl bake cupcakes? Maybe housework is not fun but I’m sure not everyone has a blast at all times when they are at work either.
I suppose this is “the circle of life” we can’t control the next generation… Each generation wants to fix the mistakes that the previous one hurt them by. I suppose a generation of smothering mothers will produce a next generation of daughters who wont settle down till they are in their 40s again.
P.S. I also took his name when we married and then changed it back again immediately as soon as we broke up. It felt so good to get my name back. I’ll never give it up again!
Having grown up surrounded by older cousins and family friends’ children I’ve always loved kids and couldn’t wait to have my own. But my parents did drill it into us to “go to uni, travel the world, have a career etc.” before we “settled down” and had kids. So indeed I did. I have 2 university degrees, lived abroad and travelled extensively, came home – gave the career thing a go, started a business – all the while thinking “is it socially acceptable for me to get married and have kids yet?”.
I know (and hear a lot of) women in their mid-late 30’s who’ve “put off” marriage/kids etc. for these reasons who are now running into all sorts of problems (eg. fertility problems, or even just being able to meet men who don’t mind them being over 30 – something your friend isn’t helping I’m guessing…).
So now I’m 28, got married last year (after waiting a “sensible” 6 years after meeting my husband) and am now pregnant with our first child. It’s not that I had zero other ambition in life than to get knocked up and be a Stepford wife, I haven’t lead a secret life as “Muriel” – dying to marry just anyone. I have plenty of other things going on and will always continue to.
I played the career game, tried to like it, made my parents happy – but really where I am now makes me so much happier and fulfilled than any amount of money, material possessions, career cred, or any of that. I don’t regret going to Uni, travelling etc. (of course), I’m just saying I could never shake that urge to want a family and a more simple life (for want of a better term). It’s a personal thing – each to their own but for me, family is way more important than any of that other stuff and I like where I find myself at this moment…
Dale Spender edited a book a long while ago called “Weddings and Wives”
‘All women wish to have a wedding, few of them want to be wives”
I bought it when I was in my early twenties and cringed at the desperate air that many women have to put on the white dress and take on their man’s name.
Then I went and did the exact same thing myself three years later.
I love that book even more now I am in my mid thirties…divorced with three kids with an almost finished uni degree. I can read the book and smile now and think, “haha. we’re not all so different”
It’s almost like we have to get the wedding and wife thing out of our system before we realise what a joy it is to not be married.
I am so sick of women having to justify their choices to other women. If you want to work, you work. If you want to be at home with the kids then do so. If you want to combine the two things, go ahead. There is no right way of doing things. Everyone is different. Every family is different. To me, feminism is as much about choice as it is about rights.
Sorry Mia but your friend sounds like a tool.
And I find the reference to Sex and the City really interesting too, that show was a real touchstone but the ‘controversial’ ending of the movie and all that lead up to it obviously hit home to many young women who were watching the series on repeat or on DVD.
I will not change my name if I get married (after 15 yrs together I don’t think we will but you never know).
When I was 11 my parents had a very bad marriage breakup and as a result we left town and changed our name. To have my name taken away from me made me realise how important it was. When I was old enough, I changed it back and now I could never give it up again. I would like to have the same name as my kids but this is something I cannot compromise on.
Do you use your husband’s name Mia?
I think Angie has said it all, it’s right for me anyway.
My Mum tried to have it all and was a career woman. Something always has to give in the end and for her it was building a solid family foundation with her children. My relationship with her only really began once I had my own children. I am not going to make the same mistakes…..I’ll make my own.
Trying to have it all with children can sometimes mean you will drag the kids up not actually raise them. It is a choice to make and I choose to raise them and it can be hard but the joy and fun makes it all worthwhile.
My Mum’s whole view on life has changed now, she is an awesome grandmother.
I never lived to work. I only worked to live. Each to their own.Do whatever fulfils you.You have to set priorities. For me, it’s family and friends.When being together ,is more important than what you’re doing.
I have given up my career for family, and I’m over having to justify it to other women.
I’m happier than I ever was working huge hours in the office. I’m proud to spend 100% of my time with my children in these very early years to focus on creating a loving and safe environment for them to grow up in.
I traded in career for family, albeit in my thirties, and I have not a single regret. Yes, I took my husband’s name too, because I realised that if I wasn’t prepared to compromise on something that wasn’t going to effect my day to day living one iota, then what chance did our marriage have later on when we would have to compromise on much harder things.
So, no, I no longer have a career and yes I am a full time “homemaker”. But does it define me? Absolutely not. I am a full and complex person and to suggest that giving up a career takes that away from me is narrow minded and misguided.
Labels do not help. The term “Domestic Goddess” is just a superficial media tag line that has nothing to do with what I am or do.
On the other side of the coin “career woman” often suggests someone who is bereft of the caring and nurturing gene. Usually completely untrue.
Why is there a debate about this? Why aren’t young women able to make life choices without some 37 year old single man deriding them?
Or worse still, thirty-something successful women unable to understand that these women are making their own choices when they themselves were allowed to make theirs free of such patronisation.
Do you know what? I think that this backflip could be a result of young women who saw how hard it was on their mothers who tried to have it all (in terms of successful career and family), and just don’t want to go there.
In this day and age, even if women work, mother and wife, they also are resposible for more than half of the household chores. Let’s just stop and think about it for a moment – men are not picking up what women don’t do. In a lot of cases, men just outsource household responsibilites to other women who are paid to come in and look after it.
But many families don’t have that option. So what often ends up happening is that a woman with a demanding job takes time off for a child (or several), goes back to work, still organises the home and family and ALSO is expected to cook, clean and maintain things. Now that does not sound like fun to me.
These young domestic goddesses are now saying “I don’t want that”. If I am going to be a mum and run a home, then I am not going to run myself into the ground in doing that by trying to pursue a demanding career as well. What can happen in that circumstance is that you feel as though you are not doing anything well, even though you are doing your best.
If you do have the financial resources to make it easier on yourself, then by all means, go for it. And if you really are superwoman, then please, be my guest. But for many young women I think that are making a choice as to what is the most important thing to them, and/or what can wait until the kids are older.
Well said Jaz I couldn’t have said it better.When we got married, my wife took my surname. Her initials on her suitcases didn’t have to be changed, as her surname started with the same letter.I often wonder if that was the reason she married me!
Well lets be honest, looking after a family is the hardest job in the world and yet it is the most rewarding job in the world. Why wouldnt women want to trade in a successful career for it?
A career can only take you so far and eventually it will come to an end. You’ll be forgotten, someone will you replace you…it cannot last forever.
But in family, in caring for your own flesh and blood. What greater joy is there?
When I get married, I’ll take my husbands last name with honour. Isnt the whole point of getting married to become ONE family? Are we so insecure that we need to hold onto our maiden names? I am not my name, or my last name, I am who I am.
Interesting article, Mia.
I can appreciate why women my age wouldn’t think that the secret to happiness lay solely in high flying corporate jobs – I don’t think it does either, and have always tried to maintain my version of “balance” (which usually means filling my plate with as many things as possible all at once) – but as both the lives of women pre-second wave feminism and more recently have shown, domesticity isn’t a walk in the park either.
This article from New York magazine a few years ago should serve as a warning to anyone who thinks it is all fun and games: http://nymag.com/news/features/17668/ It still gives me the chills!
PS I’m more than a little disturbed by your friend’s attitude towards women.
Um, ever occur to you that it might just be the women who are willing to date your older male friend? I mean, judging from his comments, he sounds like a total prize, so mightn’t it just be that he’s attracting total prizes in turn?
Yep. I’m 28 and traded in my job as a criminal defence lawyer for an apron and a baby and you know what Mia, I love it! I truly love it, my daughter and I have so much fun and as much as I loved my job I don’t miss it. I love this more.