Sun-Herald and Sunday Age column: ‘So, when are you going to shut up?’

It’s not often I feel sorry for Miranda Kerr. Not a lot to pity there. Except that shabby body of hers and the ugly, talentless boyfriend. Obviously. But hey, we all have our crosses to bear in life, don’t we? Even Australian millionaire models. Quite apart from those two glaring handicaps, one other part of Miranda Kerr’s life has been sucking hard lately. Wedding Watch. She’s on it with Orlando and it’s clearly awkward for her.

Wedding Watch is that excruciating zone you enter after dating someone for a year or so. The relationship seems serious. You’re happy.
That’s when friends, family and strangers (or, if you’re famous, the media) will begin asking, “So, when are you getting married?”
Living together? Over 25? Female? You exponentially increase your chances of being placed on Wedding Watch right there.

Ticking all three boxes, Miranda has been kept busy lately, denying regular reports of an engagement. “Miranda herself has clearly stated she is not engaged,” insisted her exasperated agent in December. “There is nothing else to be said.” Interestingly, no one seems to ask Orlando’s agent the same question.

I have several friends currently on Wedding Watch and they loathe it. “I’m happy to discuss the subject in detail with my close girlfriends, in private,” insists Friend #1 who has been with her partner for three years and does want to marry him one day. “But when other people ask me when we getting married, I find it unbelievably awkward. Especially in front of Tony – like as if I’m going to say, “Well, actually I think he might pop the question when we go to Noosa. What do you think, babe?’ It puts so much pressure on him to propose and I feel like it will never happen while everyone’s putting a gun to his head, loaded with an engagement ring. Why can’t they all just shut up?”

Friend #2 has been living with her boyfriend for one year, dating for two. She has the same gripe. “Over Christmas, we went to Adelaide to stay with my family,” she harrumphs. “All the relatives kept asking, “When are you two getting married?”? I felt like barking back “When are you going to lose weight and stop wearing so much fake tan?” But I didn’t because that would be INAPPROPRIATE!”

Inappropriate? Yes. Also? Pushy, rude and insensitive.

Those words aren’t just reserved for Wedding Watch. There are many other types of Watch. You’ve probably been on one yourself. There’s De Facto-Watch (“So, when are you moving in together?”), Baby-Watch (“So, are you pregnant yet?”) and then Next- Baby-Watch (“So, when are you having another one?”). I’ve been asked the Next-Baby question a million times after each child, including once, by a midwife in the delivery room before I’d even had time to put my knickers back on.

Pregnancy-Watch can be particularly cruel and upsetting. Here’s a tip: if you know someone in a long-term relationship or who’s married with no kids? Engage your brain before your mouth. Don’t ask the baby question. Because there’s often heartbreak, frustration, anguish or disappointment behind the answer. I learnt this the hard way a couple of years ago after stupidly asking a colleague the baby question. “Uh…. well, you know, we’re trying…” she began, looking down at her feet before bursting into tears. She’d just had her second miscarriage. I consoled her with one hand while using the other to remove both feet from my mouth and then beat myself over the head with my shoes.

If you’ve been asked inappropriate questions by inappropriate people, console yourself with the fact you’re not Jennifer Anniston. Pick up a magazine and she’s having a baby or a wedding most weekdays. Of the constant speculation, she recently said, ‘It’s almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, ‘I’m pregnant!’.” Her message to the tabloids was succinct: “Stop stealing my thunder, motherf*****s!”

One of the most tedious things about Wedding Watch is how it always casts the woman as Muriel – desperate to be married. Sometimes this is true but sometimes it’s not. Don’t assume marriage is a life goal for all women. Maybe she’s the one who’s reluctant or – ready for this? – maybe both parties are actually happy with the status quo.

Like Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey. They’ve been dating for a while now and have no desire to marry. Regardless, immediately after their relationship became public, the tabloids put them on Wedding Watch. Instead of denying it every few months, they went on the front foot, recently stating, “….we are living together….and we’re very happy” and insisting that’s enough for them both. As for Baby-Watch? Ditto. They each have one child already and according to Jenny, “This womb is closed”.

So why do people ask inappropriate questions? Is it boredom? Concern? Small talk? Lack of anything interesting going on in their own lives? Are they being competitive? Nosy? Or just plain rude?

All of the above and more. Underlying all these questions though, is the idea of life as a checklist, with a series of Big Things to be ticked off as quickly as possible. What about just stopping to appreciate our current state instead of cultivating this relentless sense of forward momentum?

I’m not sure when the questions stop. When you’re old, do people ask, “So, when are you going to pop off?”. I hope not. Because that would be…inappropriate.

Article filed under: Sunday Life, dating, relationships , & published: Monday, February 9th, 2009.

Tags: dating, relationships, Sunday Life

IrishLaura says:

July 31, 2009 at 11:10 am

i dont understand WHY people ask the questions – i mean, do they think you havent thought of getting married/having kids/ etc yourself? i dont see how else it’s any of their business.
so i reckon, if you’re standing with ur sig other and someone says “SO, when are u two getting married?” or something similar… you could always say “Oh! Honey, what a good idea! we hadnt thought of that! wanna?” Should shut them up, at least…
I got engaged about a month ago and am finally off engagement watch – and on to wedding watch! “why are u waiting so long to get married” “WE only waited six months” “OH, that wedding date’s a long way off” ETC!! but im trying to enjoy these last few years before baby watch begins…

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Belinda says:

May 25, 2009 at 1:25 pm

it’s so nice to hear i’m not the only person being asked this! i’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, living together for 2 years. Probably for the last 18 months i’ve been regularly fielding questions about when we’re getting married – at first i was gobsmacked someone (who i didn’t know very well) would ask me that, now i know what to expect at any social gathering, and i’m actually dreading how many times i will get asked at my partner’s upcoming 30th birthday party…
the funny thing is this came up in conversation with my boyfriend the other day, and no one has ever, ever asked him! yet i’m constantly asked by his friends, both our families, mutual friends and complete strangers! i can’t figure out why people ask the woman and not the guy!
i never felt any compulsion to get married until people started hounding me about it, now i feel like doing it just to shut them up.
though i’m still not sure what the best response is when asked, most of the time i just feel like hitting them and yelling that i’m only 23, and i have far more important things going on in my life right now.

squeak says:

May 11, 2009 at 4:20 pm

i agree with the idea of etiquette lessons! not only to spare the hurt of the questioned person, but the awkwardness of being the questioner. i have terrible foot-in-mouth syndrome and find it difficult to talk to new people, so for the sake of small talk i tend to ask foolish questions out of sheer desperation.
i need help

Mia says:

March 18, 2009 at 11:44 am

NAK – I’m so sorry for your loss. A close friend went through the identical situation at the same stage in her pregnancy just a few weeks ago. Sending you support…..

NAK says:

March 17, 2009 at 9:08 pm

I was looking for this article recently and had it my mind it would be under motherhood (thank goodness for your search – all I had to type in was ‘we’re trying’ which had stuck in my mind). Anyhow, I remember reading it when you first published it and what a difference a couple of weeks makes. We’ve been on baby watch for a while and had some great news to share but hadn’t succombed to the temptation yet. However, when we went to the OB for our scan at 11 weeks there was no heartbeat. I will *never* ask the baby watch question again – people always offer the information if they want to talk about it anyway. If they are not talking about it voluntarily they probably won’t tell you when you ask even if they are actually pregnant. But if someone had asked me that question in the following couple of weeks I reckon I would have punched them. Or burst into tears. Or both.
A well put article that I enjoyed both times – I wish I couldn’t relate to it in quite this way but it is so true and I hope I will remember it the next time I go to ask one of those questions – we’re all guilty of it but I am really going to try not to be from now on.

Emma says:

February 25, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Thanks Mia!

February 24, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Well done Emma. Congrats! Enjoy your engagement…..

February 24, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Or they ask when we’re having kids!
I have a couple of friends who don’t want to have any children and it’s particularly uncomfortable when people ask them when they’re having kids because then they are asked to explain why they don’t want kids and people are always so judgemental when someone says they don’t want kids…
I do want children but I don’t want to be asked about it all the time!

February 24, 2009 at 3:23 pm

This is very true.
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our six year anniversary in Paris and he proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower! We’re so excited!
But all people want to know is when we’re getting married or when is the engagement party!

Juzzie says:

February 16, 2009 at 11:59 am

The answer to ANY rude or intrusive question is
“WHY do you want to know?”. Nosy-parkers backtrack as fast as their mouths can mumble.
I’m single and I always get people asking ‘So how’s ya lovelife?’. Hit ‘em with the answer above. For persistent askers..wink and say something completely off the wall and non-senscial. Let them be puzzled. Sticky-beaks need to be put back in their place!

SoccerMum says:

February 10, 2009 at 12:08 pm

I have been with my partner for 10 years now, we have 2 kids and we are NOT married. We bought our first house 2 years ago and moved out of the inner city to the Northern Beaches. I am a SAHM and love it …… and NOT being married is the only thing that makes us feel slightly carefree and reckless! But believe it ….. people still ask.

elme says:

February 10, 2009 at 9:52 am

This reminds me of being 4 months pregnant and constantly being told that ‘you look like you’re about to pop any day now!’. I have a girlfriend who is 19 weeks and people keep coming up and offering to carry bags and asking her how overdue she is.
The baby-watch was pretty painful for my partner and I; we spent 5 years trying and then 2 years going through IVF. Surprisingly, we still get people (even family) asking when we’re having another one!!!

Michelle says:

February 10, 2009 at 9:15 am

LOL this is a great post Mia, too true. Friends of ours that had been together for many years ‘finally’ got married in their mid-30s and I can remember the groom standing up and making his wedding speech, and saying “okay all you people who never stop asking about the Big Three things we’re *supposed* to have done by now – No. 1 is ticked off the list, we might try for a baby too, but shut up about when we’re going to buy a house!” LOL I have other friends who are always being asked why they only have one child and I know their private reasons which range from deep financial difficulties through to repeated miscarriages ending in a forced hysterectomy (must be especially hideous for that poor friend) and I just want to whap people over the head when they do it.
I wish, at schools, instead of forcing things like Woodwork, Metalwork and Home Science on kids who really have no interest in them and will never use those skills again (I know I personally have never felt a need in life to whip together an embossed leather bookmark like I made at school in 1986..), they’d give kids a few lessons in basic etiquette, or even just EMPATHY. So many people today are just plain rude and thoughtless.

February 9, 2009 at 11:56 pm

I am 21 and I’m on wedding watch!! A couple of friends have recently gotten engaged after dating their respective partners for less than a year, so now it seems like every social situation leads to the inevitable hints (or outright questions) about when me and my boyfriend will follow suit, because we’ve been dating for 4 years. It’s hard to know what to say without offending the rude person, or my boyfriend, but the true answer is – we just aren’t ready to get engaged right now! And we’re both happy with that decision – it was never an issue until people started bringing it up – but now i feel like I’m getting left behind in some growing-up race that I didn’t realise I was part of!

Lu says:

February 9, 2009 at 6:43 pm

It can happen to our parents too. Some of my mums friends get the same questions when they all get together. So when are you going to be a Grandmother? Like they really have any say or control over it anyway. Just plain rude.

meg says:

February 9, 2009 at 6:03 pm

I am on baby watch, as some of you may have read here in the past. I loved your post Mia because for a while now I have thought that I was alone in thinking any probing question regarding pending marriage,baby,job could be considered rude. I have always been of the view that I wouldn’t ask people ( even good friends) specific questions like that – for the simple fact that if they wanted me to know a major development in their life – THEY WOULD TELL ME! If they hadn’t, then that may be because either NOTHING was happening or they didn’t really want to discuss it at the moment.
Now that I am unfortunately in the position where I don’t really want to discuss my fertility issues at dinner parties or any other function for that matter – I realise that I was right in taking the approach I have in the past.
So many times I have felt like someone
( often friends who are lovely people ) has punched me in the stomach when they tell me to ‘hurry up and have a baby’ or ‘ don’t worry, lots of people have miscarriages, it’s really common! Just try again..’
People mean well of course, they just don’t understand how hard it can be to field questions like that. And how much it can hurt to try to answer them while trying to protect yours and your partner’s feelings and the feelings of the well meaning person asking the question at the same time. Don’t want to be biting anyone’s head off!!
I really hope they all read your post. Thanks xx

evai says:

February 9, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I agree that many of the questions are nobody else’s business. I don’t mind if close friends ask them but it can be annoying when a stranger asks you when you’re having another baby.
However, if you’re engaged I think it’s normal to expect the question of when you’re getting married. Unless social definition of what being engaged means has changed, which it may have, it generally signifies an intention to at least eventually tie the knot – and although a previous blog discussed that the first thing people want to know about is the ring, when people make the big announcement my first question is usually ‘when’s the big day?’. Otherwise what’s the point?

Britts says:

February 9, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Oh God I LOVED this post Mia!!
You’re right – these questions are just so rude and most of the time, not their damn business!
After getting engaged last year, the only questions I ever seem to get asked are “When’s the wedding?!” and “When are you going to start having kids??” – to which I respond “HELLO IM BARELY 22 AND IM HAPPY BEING ENGAGED FOR THE TIME BEING THANK YOU!!” Haha!
I know most people don’t mean it to be intrusive or rude – but once you’ve heard the question a thousand times over it begins to feel that way. It also annoys me because I then end up feeling like I have to justify why we’ve decided to have a long engagement and not set a wedding date (because apparently being 22 & 23 isn’t good reason enough for some people?) – so I end up getting defensive because people automatically assume that there is something wrong! There’s nothing wrong, we’re just completely happy being engaged damnit!
My poor sister had to endure YEARS of being asked why she didn’t have a boyfriend and my uncle even had the audacity to ask if it was because she was a lesbian (in which case, who cares – she would have told everyone if she was!) just because she didn’t have a boyfriend through HIGH SCHOOL. HIGH SCHOOL! WHEN SHE WAS ONLY 13-17!! My god. Well, she’s happily engaged and living with her fiance now, so the question has now been upgraded to “When’s the wedding…?”
At least we can bitch about how annoying it is together though haha

Angela says:

February 9, 2009 at 3:23 pm

I don’t wedding watch but I do baby watch. I can’t help it. I do ask in a very caring manner tho
So are you having any more Mia? When? How many?
Where’s your tattoo?
sorry

Paula says:

February 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Done wedding watch, baby watch, another baby watch – and like you Lu, I’m on the back-to-work watch! Apparently its too weird to take care of your children yourself!

gigdiary says:

February 9, 2009 at 2:46 pm

As a single guy, whenever I meet people, male or female, whom I haven’t seen for some years, their question is invariably, ‘so, are you married, got any kids?’ With the nature of casual conversation this leaves me about a couple of seconds to somehow explain, ‘no, and I’m happy, I love my life, no, I’m not lonely, no, I’m not waiting for that special someone…and…oh why did you ask in the first place, are you jealous?!!’
Single people my age never ask that question.
I have however been guilty of inappropriate questioning, which for the life of me I’ll never do again. On meeting a female friend, for the first time in yonks, I joyously exclaimed, ‘oh, wow! when’s the baby due?’
Oops, I don’t care if a woman’s obviously in her last trimester, or about to start contractions, that is one question I’ll never ask again.

I’m on when are you going to get a job watch.
My youngest child started school last year. I often get asked, especially by mums who work, when am I going to return to work. Funny thing is most of the people who ask me this are the same people whose kids I make lunch for in the school canteen, help learn to read in reading groups and help supervise on school excursions.
I feel like saying to them ‘when are you going to give some of your time to help my kids’ but I wont because I dont care what they do as long as they leave me alone about what I do.

Jaz says:

February 9, 2009 at 2:05 pm

I have learnt not to ask those questions anymore.
Those questions usually cause more harm than good. It is inappropriate to ask because those are very personal things in which no one can truly grasp what is happening, unless it affects you directly.
Life is a journey and it is beautiful. Learning to be content in the present moment is one of the greatest things we can learn..so when those questions are asked it kind of gives the impression that the person isn’t where they “NEED” to be or “SHOULD” be.

Danielle Melnyczenko says:

February 9, 2009 at 1:23 pm

I’m on baby watch. My hubby and I have been trying for 5 years now. People still put there foot in it occasionally. People have a need to understand or “get” the people around them so they feel more secure in the way they view the world. People will always ask questions… even the inappropriate ones.

Jiji says:

February 9, 2009 at 1:04 pm

I’m living on the wedding watch now and I’m just 21!!!
Thing is my bf is quite older (31) which is why all our friends keep bothering us!
We’ve been together for two years now and want to get married eventually but we are just both at a stage in our lives where it’s just not gonna happen anytime soon. Back off people!
Also, I always give my mom a hard time when she asks married couple about babies for the EXACT reason you just mentioned, how do we know they aren’t trying?!

Rene says:

February 9, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I can relate to this Mia! My fiance and I have been together for 17 years. People are so curious why we aren’t married…I get the same questions over and over, when are you getting married? Don’t you want to be a bride? When I say no, they are shocked, puzzled and sometimes envious. Maybe one day we will but for now we are happy not being married….what’s the rush anyway….

Jess says:

February 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm

I get asked that question (when are you going to get married?) even though i’m single and not seeing anyone….
I always find the people that try to sell marriage and babies to you are the ones that are always whinging about their husbands and have no patience for their children, from where im standing i just can’t see the appeal.

Laura says:

February 9, 2009 at 11:56 am

Mia, you are my hero. Fantastic article.

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