Is a big bottom coming between you and a relationship?
[fortunately for J-Lo she is already married to someone who thinks her bottom is hot]
It is if you want to have a relationship with columnist and author Sam de Brito. He wrote a few weeks back in the Sun-Herald a controversial column about how he doesn't feel attracted to women with big bums.
I disagree with so much of what he's written and I've told him that in an email. Particularly the part about women denigrating men for how they look (did he miss the storyline in Sex & The City where Charlotte marries the bald guy with the hairy back?).
He writes……
It's not that I consider it a fatal flaw in a gal – some of my best
female friends and relatives have huge arses – it's just that I'm not
attracted to chicks with big patooties.
But here's the thing – by admitting this in print – I've guaranteed
myself a minimum of twenty mocking emails, three angry phone-calls from
the aforementioned female friends and at least one face-to-face
smack-down with a fat chick.
in love with a short guy or a bald man, well, that's a giggle, that's
completely understandable, that's 90 per cent of episodes of Sex and The City
Jessica Biel….
Sam continues:
"Millions of guys, rightly or wrongly, daily dismiss or accept partners based on their body fat.
Men are obsessed with bodies and, thanks to the influences of
pornography, beer adverts and high fashion, there's more than enough
fodder to convince us that if a woman is not sporting a tight rig,
she's somehow less desirable.
I'm as big a victim of this syndrome as anyone and admit that all of
my serious relationships have been with women who made me sigh
pleasantly when they disrobed.
This is because undressing a woman is like unwrapping a Christmas
present from your Grandma. If you don't like what you get, you just
have to smile and pretend to be excited for the next two hours (or
twenty years).
The thing is, our fixation on hardbodies is completely socialised -
many of you could no doubt cite other eras that prize a Rubenesque
figure in womankind, while Hispanic and black cultures hold the big
booty as the archetype of femineity.
This merely serves to prove how powerful a lifetime of media imagery can be.
I wasn't born with a preference for women with small bums and flat
stomachs, it is not a default setting hard-wired into my circuit board,
rather it's been soldered there year after year thanks to swimsuit
calendars, Bond movies and surf magazines.
When you're a young bloke down the beach or at the pool with your
mates, chicks are callously rejected because they "have a fat arse" and
dudes whose girls are tidy are lauded as legends because they have
attracted said glamour.
This is why women worldwide flagellate themselves with diets and
eating disorders in order to fit a body aesthetic encouraged by the
media and fashion designers, yet if men display impressionability to
the same influences we're considered arseholes, stupid or superficial.
They are actually two sides of the same coin and while males are not
'victims' of the same calibre as body-obsessed women, men and boys are
certainly affected by the fear and loathing of fat – which is probably
why you didn't see white rock stars or George Clooney squiring tubby
chicks to the Oscars last night.
Women, however, are ones who buy the magazines, clothes and potions that drive this 'ideal';men like me, who are attracted to it, are merely the by-product."
Look, Sam is obviously being honest about the way he feels. That's one thing. But I'm irked that he claims to speak for all men. Because to believe they all think that way? That's a pretty bleak view of men. My view is brighter.
You can read the whole column here.
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This is everything I detest about magazines
i respect the fact that he was honest, and hes true about the sexiest barrier.
i wish more journalists were this honest
you and sams articles are the only reason i buy the paper on a sunday
Sam is just an inner city victim of the need to appear cool. Honestly! That’s why I moved out of Eastern suburbs loooong time ago.
My husband, handsome himself, loooves big butts, and so do a lot of his friends, according to him.
Don’t even worry about his rant.
there is definatly a thing these days with women’s backsides.
it’s like everyone is suddenly eager to show how big their backside is by wearing jeans that emphasise the hips and buttocks.
being a male, i do like the look of a big female backside.
its so nice to look at and of course it is a turn on too.
but i dont think many women would appreciate a guy just wanting to be her boyfriend just because her bottom is big.
and anyway, even if her bottom is big, the novelty of it soon wears off.
yes its a shame when men make women feel that way about their bodies sometimes i wish women would have more self confidence – and sometimes i cant relate to any person with no self confidence cause thats unfamilar for me. That being said i absolutely love women that have a sizeable booty and with a sizeable bust for me thats a woman anything else fails in comparison – i dont even look at other women that dont fit that body profile -
for me 5-6 @ 40DD-36-48 ah the perfect woman
den:
every woman is a real woman, not just the ‘curvier’ ones. bizarrely, some women are naturally 6 ft tall and size 8 – this doesn’t make them any less womanly than the shorter, curvier ones (like myself). tearing down skinny girls as being unwomanly is just as unfair as bagging out curvy ones for being fat.
and i think this bloke is a bit of a tool, but that’s his choice. only you know what you find attractive, and that’s ok.
Regardless of Sam’s comments, can I just suggest any person getting worried about the size of their butt, or thighs, or anything, pick up a copy of the book “One Unknown” by Gill Hicks. After reading that, I swore I would never bitch about my body again. Let’s remember how blessed we are to be happy, healthy and active. Life’s great!
I have a big and nicely rounded butt. Always have done. And I can attest that there are plenty of men who love a girl with an “itty bitty waist and a round thing” in their face.
Besides, what people find sexy varies and Sam is an shallow idiot if he thinks otherwise. My hubby does not find Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston or most of the stick thin film stars attractive at all. He loves Kate Winslet and thinks Beyonce is a goddess. Me, I would take Javier Bardem over Brad Pitt any day of the week. So, I just don’t agree that one man or woman can speak for all their gender in terms of what’s sexy.
Kelly@SHE-POWER
For those who asked ‘what does Sam de Brito look like?’, I assume you were wondering if he’d been hit over the head with the ugly stick and had some kind of hypocritical chip on his shoulder.
Sam is actually very good looking. Not my type personally but he is widely acknowledged among the women who know him as a spunk.
Gig – will look into your tech request.
Loving the comments.
Hi Mia,
‘You know what I’d really like…’ no this isn’t about big bottoms, it’s a tech request. Don’t know if Typepad can do this, but it would be really good to have a ‘next’ link at the top of the comments pages as well.
Yes, I know, it’s such hard work to scroll down a few pages, but soon it may be more. And people who comment lots on some posts, whoever they are, would probably love this.
final update. just going through the sunday columns. only found the website last week. been a print traditionalist.
anyway. time for people to reread mia’s sunday columns 29sep08 on mummy tummy and 13july08 when i was a teenager.
i’m assuming that all those that so strongly felt their strings plucked by sam’s comments have taken action and now boycott all media that promote body image, have thrown away their frocks and fendi shoes and D&G sunnies.
now that you’re empowered and financially liberated do you feel better in thongs and shorts and t shirt. oh, you did NOT put on makeup or lippie, either – did you. i mean, you respect yourself too much to tart up and cater to unrealistic images of women. I guess you didn’t wash your hair either as you respect all those poor bunnies that suffer for your beauty products. and let’s not forget the traditional basis of perfume -ambergris – is actually the regurgitate (giant squid) from a sperm whale.
i wonder what the definition of a hypocrite is.
and should beauty actually be abolished as it makes the rest feel like wrecks.
I’ve read Sam de Brito’s blog and it is quite funny. As is the level of ‘debate’ that he knew he would get, and predicted he would get. It was the most commented blog for feb09 and nice to see Mia picked it up and gave it another run.
frankly, i long for a day where a person can express their ‘freedom of speech’ and people have already dealt with their personal issues and couldn’t be bothered to recognise a contrary opinion and add to the feeding frenzy going on.
learn to love yourselves.
learn to recognise a person who is free to admit they have prejudices and can determine how they came to be. he doesn’t justify himself, merely expresses his view.
it takes a great perosn to be able to overcome the indoctrination and conditioning of their times. i am amused by the complete indoctrination of victoria age women that they believed the had no sexual desires and subsequently suffered from hysteria that could only be cured by a helping handed heath care professional.
maybe one day we’ll look beyond a person’s genetics and look at the person as defined by their thoughts and actions. wouldn’t that be something to strive for.
I think Sam’s saying it as it is. Also I think he likes being controversial so he gets more traffic and feedback. Mia, by linking to him you’re just feeding the machine!
I carried 5-10 kilos of unwanted weight during my teens and 20s and barely got any male attention.
Now, in my 30s, I’ve shed much of that, wear red lipstick and heels a little more and get stared at and chatted up far more regularly.
Sadly for Sam and his kin, I am happily married to a gorgeous man who liked me the way I was – and continues to.
Cath- you’re right i totally missed that comment- my apologies..
Still, i do think some ladies have been waaaaay too harsh, we’re all attracted to different things, and he has the right to express what he finds attractive…
Ana, I think you’ve missed something, because you just pretty much said what I said in my recent comment just above yours (except you’re being way kinder – to him, that is. Not me). Which was, pretty much – he’s taking the piss a bit, so am I. I certainly don’t have my massive beige Bridget Jones knickers in a twist, because I didn’t take his comment seriously in the first place. I just had fun breaking his argument down a bit.
P.S: Does this comment make my ass look big?
Ok so i obviously can’t read/write today
I meant to say i think the message ISN’T ‘men don’t like big butts’
Ladies I think you’re being a bit harsh,
he’s being honest and i don’t think the message is ‘men don’t like big butts’ but rather that men are very aware of physical attributes and it is what first appeals to them about a woman. Which is often the case, with both sexes i might add.
So Cath i think that you have it all wrong and simply got your nickers in a twist because you have a big bum.
disclaimer: I actually have quite a sizable bottom…
I think we’re all right here – yes, Sam’s full of it, but yes – he’s a journo trying to provoke a response, (which yes – he got, and I’ sure he’s enjoying). Yes – there are some superficial guys out there, but yes – there are also some superficial chicks out there as well.
I’m sure Sam’s probably a nice guy, having a bit of sport for the sake of having something controversial to write about. The Herald Sun loves to find male columnists that women hate. After all, if they were functional, non-judgemental and contented, they wouldn’t have anything to bang on about, would they?
Anyway, he can’t possibly be THAT shallow! He’s making it up to impress his mates at the beach. And it was good sport for us to reply, in fact, replying was the most sport and best fun I’ve had all week! It won’t make my bum any smaller though.
So look at me, Sammy … look at moy, loooook aaaaat moy, ploise! I’ve got three words to say to you: BRING.IT.ON! Us big asses enjoy a bit of spirited, one way, comment debate now and again.
This topic fascinates me, as I am a size 18 and I am a sex worker.
I am totally uninhibited with regard to my body and being naked,but this isn’t about that.It’s about the fact that why, when given the choice of who they are going to actually pay to have discreet,anonymous sex with will men choose a bigger girl?
Funnily enough fat men don’t often choose to see me and obviously there are a dedicated group of ‘chubby chasers’ but the majority of my clients would fall into the catorgory of fit,healthy,average to gorgeous looking men.
In the beginning I often used to open my front door and want to say ‘my god what are you doing here? you’re stunning and look like you would only be interested in a perfect size 8 supermodel!’
I soon began to realise that regardless of what facade/image some men feel the need (possibly media/peer driven) to uphold, deep down in a place they only admit to themselves THEY LIKE CURVY GIRLS! THEY LIKE HAVING SEX WITH CURVY GIRLS!!!!
My profession aside,I am under no illusion that any of these men would actually be seen dead with me in public,most of them seem to be in relationships/married to perfectly physically matched partners.
I am positive that during intimate drinking/bonding sessions with their mates, when others are discussing past indiscretions, they would ever dare mention they had been with a girl like me.Imagine being ostracized from your pretentious eastern suburbs/north shore perfect life for admitting you get turned on by ‘fat chicks’!
I am their dirty secret, as fat really is the last prejudice.
Rene: ‘What does he look like anyway?’
He’s got big green hands.
My hubby says I have an arse like J Lo I’m cool with that, plenty of men LOVE arse that sticks out.
I wonder if Sam’s mother, sisters (if he has any), aunts, women cousins have read this. I would love to know their response. Did they kick his ass, hope so! What does he look like anyway?
“But I’m irked that he claims to speak for all men.”
That’s exactly what I thought Mia. Everyone’s preference is different. So if this Shallow Sam wanted to voice what his is, then fine. I’m ok with that. Just don’t go along and pretend that’s what ALL men think. Idiot!
His biggest, stupidest mistake is thinking that flat bum = flat tummy = stick skinny. Hello? Welcome to the real world. I’m usually a size 6 / 8, tiny boobs, but sometimes have to wear size 10 pants. Pear-shaped is the word. All the boys I’ve been with simply love my bum. Hah! Take that, Britto!
Personally I think there’s always a certain amount – large or small – of physical attraction in all reltionships. And it’s not about only hooking up with the most beautiful person, it’s about being able to see things that are gorgeous in your partner. Their smile, their hands, their big toes, the way they tilt their head, twinkle in their eyes, that kind of thing.
Also, one’s personality affects the way one looks. I’ve found that when I can connect, mentally and emotionally, with a guy, he suddenly seems so much hotter!
Let’s face it, we have eyes, we see things. Some prefer things this way, some that way. Fine. I like guys who are taller than me. (I’m tiny so it’s not much of a feat.) But if tall girls want to date someone shorter, good on them. That’s the way I think.
I think it’s the ‘I couldn’t fall in love…’ part that irked me the most. News flash: everyone has things they find aesthetically pleasing in a romantic prospect and while you DO have to be attracted to your partner and have CHEMISTRY with them, if you’re truly in love then most of those aesthetic ‘needs’ go right out the window. (Like the aforementioned Charlotte and Harry storyline in Sex and the City.) My ‘dream man’ is Matt Damon. I am dating a 5′4” version of Barak Obama (with the brain to match). I think he is gorgeous!
I cant believe anyone hasnt said this yet (or maybe I overlooked it):
Kiss my BiG assssssss Sam! LOL. Gold!
I agree with Fiona, this topic was calculated to provoke a reaction, which was, most likely, all Sam was after. It apparently worked on his blog, and obviously here. Yet this issue is really without resolution. Men and women do, and will always, have their physical, emotional and intellectual preferences in their choice of partner.
A woman with a larger bottom is not a flawed person, just as a balding man is not flawed. These traits may not be one’s preference in a dating or life partner, but these and other physical traits are not flaws.
A flawed partner is one who is uncaring, unsupportive or abusive. Along with a host of other negative qualities, none of which are physical.
I found it most refreshing to read everyone’s comments here. I’m glad I didn’t bother reading the comments on Britto’s blog.
While I agree with everyone, that yes, Sam does appear to have no idea about real women and a pretty narrow view of relationships in general,
I can’t help but feel that we have all played right into his hands on this one(I include myself in this, as I too went and read the original article).
Perhaps rather than being a genuine sexist pig, Sam’s a guy who couldn’t come up with any original material for his column so he took the laziest route possible and thought ‘What’s going to get everyone riled up and post heaps of comments on my blog? Hmmm…. I know, I’ll pick on the fat chicks!’ Bingo- over 300 comments at last count.
Besides, everyone knows there’s nothing sexier than a healthy looking butt!
he obviously has never fallen head-over-heels-in-love.
you know, where that person is absolutely perfect just the way they are, flaws and all, because they are THE ONE.
poor boy.
I think fair enough – you can’t control what you’re attracted to. I couldn’t be attracted to a balding guy, so I think it’s fair enough to not be attracted to girls with big bums. You like what you like.
Sorry for the typos and grammar…
I kind of feel sorry for the guy. The guy is clearly not the kind of guy that most woman here would go for.
I’ve had this conversation with many of my girlfriends. I’m probably stepping into dangerous territory here – but I think so many people are single because they expect to meet someone with:
- the perfect body
- perfect face
- have a great career
- drive a great car
- a “great personality” ( which is just an easy way of saying that they have everything else and don’t want to kill them when they’re around them)
It’s such a waste. How many decent people with integrity, warmth, a sense of humour, intelligence and possibility, compatibility are overlooked because they don’t have the perfect ass.
I met the most amazing man. He doesn’t look like Brad Pitt. He’s intelligent, funny, kind, resourceful, passionate and a great father. I didn’t use his ass as measure of how great a partner he is. Now I know he didn’t settle. I have a huge ass, a gap toothed smile, I’m 5 foot 2 and I’m a catch and he knows it.
Maybe Sam has to justify the fact that he’s struggling to find himself an intelligent woman with self worth and integrity who actually wants to be with him.
I suddenly feel too scared to call back a seemingly nice boy. Yay for paranoia, and many thanks to Sam, what a lovely man.
Pity he doesn’t like big ‘asses’ because he is one giant ASS himself.
Well said Cath.
We have a friend who has recently lost a lot of weight, thanks to a personal trainer who is trying to kill her and a very strict diet. Apart from the fact that she has become SUPER boring (going out for dinner with her is a nightmare – no wine, no carbs, no this, no that) and what she eventually ends up odering looks like a plate of garnish) my husband thinks she is too thin and the weight loss has made her look 10 years older. And she’s always grumpy.
Itty Bitty Bum? Flat stomach? Go out with a 10 year old boy. Clearly, you do not have any definition of what a REAL woman looks like. You ugly, superficial mysongynist bastard.
Rubbish. I don’t think Sam speaks for all men at all. I had a girlfriend who was rejected for being “too fat” (scarred her for a long time and she wasn’t fat AT ALL just had DDs and an oldfashioned hourglass) anyway now she’s happy with a guy who loves her to pieces… That jerk she was previously with was just an immature superficial twat who cared more about his “image” and thought he would look cooler with a skeletal chick. Bit like Sam. How sad. And unmanly! LOL
And what on earth was his comment about it’s okay for women to say they don’t like bald guys??? Hahahaaa Everyone knows looks aren’t as important for a woman as it is for a man. As in chemistry and connection are possible for a short guy with a hairy back ala Charlotte.
And how ridiculous to blame the media… He is just selecting what messages to absorb into his brain. If he is going to feed off a diet of Ralph and Playboy… wouldn’t it be chicks with fake boobs and big asses anyway??? As opposed to catwalk thin.
Mia I hope you emailed him about the power of airbrush LOL
I’d love to find out Jessica Biel’s workout routine..cause I know she exercises alot and still has a great butt.
One of my fears with exercise is that my butt will go away
Cath Styles – thank you- you are funny AND truthful, Would love to see you debate Shallow Hal!
Cath, thanks for taking the time to so eloquently state all I would have liked to! Good on ya!
“Thanks for your cordial invitation to call you a ’superficial asshole’…. I’ll be taking you up on that.”
LOL! Gee, I can’t resist to take up his offer too: Sam de Brito = superficial asshole.
“Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go ’round, you know.”
You said it Cath (with a little help from Freddie & Queen)!
I’m reluctant to comment on this really because I think that this type of journalism smacks of desperation. Trying to get a rise out of women by preying on stereotypes and chucking in the obligatory ‘fat chick’ comment.
So meh Sam Debrito I’m afraid. Don’t read your column anymore, don’t much care whether you go or stay. Very, very meh.
If shallow Sam thinks good looks and a perfect BMI is what’s going to be on offer to him for the rest of his days, then good luck to him. I just hope that one day, when he has a daughter,she’s absolutely perfect, because daddy won’t be able to cope.
My hubbie loves me just the way I am, cellulite, and all…and if he didn’t then bad luck buster…
I was in a long term relationship some time ago and I had started to put on a bit of weight…My partner commented that “I was getting bigger”…”all the more to love my sweet”, I replied.
We didn’t last much longer than that though…
We all have to accept people the way they are and not think a perfect body and great looks equals a great personality and character..
Remember the outcry when it was revealed Prince Charles was having an affair with Camilla…”Oh my God, how could he be with her and not the gorgeous Princess Di”!
Maybe Chuck thought looks weren’t everything either….not that I condone affairs, mind you
So Sam, if it’s perfection you’re after, then I hope the people you hook up with have low expectations, because it seems they’re going to be stuck with someone extremely shallow
PS Cath Style – too funny!
Cath, once again you nailed it.
My experience of men (well, my husband) is that they find models on the runway way too thin and full figured girls incredibly sexy. But that is just the man I know. I think guys are much more diverse than Sam gives them credit for and different looks float their boat. If Sam’s worldview were true, then only skinny, flat bottomed models would have boyfriends!
Sam is obviously a very shallow man, as are the guys he keeps company with. His theory that men are just automatons that feed whatever the media (and Bond posters) dish out may be true of him and his ilk, but it’s not true of the men I know. I’m not angry at his comments, but I take them with a pinch of salt.
Cath, now THAT is the way to stick it to the man!
Woop woop!
I hope Sam will read this.
It’s true. Unfortunately this is how most men see women.
I don’t know how we change it, but I’ve certainly learned to live with it, and count myself lucky that the men I’ve loved and who’ve loved me back, also love my curves. They’re often the smart ones too!(I love geek boys)
Luckily for me my husband kindly overlooked my enormous bottom and married me anyway!
On a serious note though, I find his whole argument to be complete rubbish – many of my very lovely (small-bottomed!) friends are partnered with men who are not exactly perfect physical specimens, but they are sweet or funny or clever or just plain adorable.I think most of us can be won over by the ordinary man with whom we have fabulous conversations. Physical perfection does not necessarily make you are a lovely person to be with.
And P.S, Shallow Hal – I hope you accidentally fall hopelessly in love with a Beth Ditto lookalike who has a massive bum. The tragedy will be that you won’t be able to be with the love of your life, because your mates at the beach might laugh at you. And you will be destined to spend the rest of your days with your shallow mates, and numerous attractive, bumless chicks while you pine for what could have been if you’d only been able to get past ‘the bum thing’. Oh well, it could be worse. I suppose that doesn’t actually sound too bad. It’s probably what you do now. BUT YOU GET MY POINT.
Ok, let me get this straight – women can’t be critical of men who say they only like chicks with small bums, because if women didn’t do everything they possibly could to have a small bum (so they can get guys to be attracted to them?), then men wouldn’t be ‘hardwired’ to only like chicks with neat little bums. Cool. So all women have to do is unite, and as a group, grow our asses out so that eventually, in years to come, our big bottomed daughters won’t be rejected by blokes for having big asses because they will be the norm – even desirable.
Or alternatively, guys who are big ass rejectors could unite, and stop acting like jerks, so that in years to come, guys that aren’t jerks will have conditioned themselves to just pretty much be attracted to chicks for reasons other than the size of their bum. Chicks won’t then be ‘hardwired’ to find jerks a huge turn off, and guys that aren’t jerks will be the norm, and even desirable. LIKE NOW.
Come on, you’d really step over JLo or Beyonce to get to Posh Spice? Please. I know many male columnists, like Sam, think they can say anything because they’ve already acknowledged that they’re shallow, judgemental, and misogynistic. And they can – it’s a free world. There will be as many guys out there giving him a big virtual high-five because ‘you said it, brother!’, as there will be chicks thinking ‘where do they get these losers?’.
Tiny news flash though, Sam – not all guys prefer bottomless chicks, just like not all chicks prefer guys with brains (lucky for you). Thanks for your cordial invitation to call you a ’superficial asshole’…. I’ll be taking you up on that. Superficial asshole. Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go ’round, you know.
I’m sorry, but I think Sam is a bit of an asshole.
My ex fiance thought my big booty was the best thing about me. He couldnt get enough of it.
So as for Sam, I think he was generalising a little too much. He doesnt speak for all men; just a small ratio. There are a growing group of men who love women with thicker body parts.
I love my big butt, I love having thicker legs..I love it all. Frankly if a guy doesnt like it, then I dont want him anyway! I want someone who LOVES my body the way I love it.
I’m not too disappointed I wont be attracting any men like Sam
That’s just stupid. Really. SOME women might speak that way but would you want to go out with someone so shallow anyway?
I married a chunky guy with very little hair and a beard and I adore him. I may never have set out to find a guy with those physical attributes, but I would never have said I’d never marry someone who did.
What a terrible generalisation he’s made.
The sad thing is that I think he is telling it exactly how it is for the majority of men and they way they think. It’s honest, if nothing else.
I actually really like Sam de Brito, I live and die by the advice in his book ‘No Tattoos Before You’re 30′
I actually agree a tiny bit with what he’s saying. Especially about the itty-bitty double standard us girls are all guilty of. We judge boys the exact same way we condemn them for.
I don’t disagree with much of that actually, it confirms the sad truth that i have long suspected about the way men look at women. *sigh*