Are you done yet?
I ask this question incessantly and inapppropriately to pretty much anyone I meet who has kids and is under 45. I'm fascinated – some may say obsessed – with the idea of when-do-you-stop and how-do-you-know?
I always wanted to have more than one. Always. I have one brother but I've always been envious of big families. One of my close friends is one of 5 and I went to her wedding a couple weeks ago and there was something just so….warm and fuzzy and connected and FUN about having so many brothers and sisters and so many kids. I like the whole clan aspect of it. So how do you know when to stop? I think when you have a child of each gender it can be harder to decide to go again. I know many women who have gone 'once more' for a girl or boy when they already have one (or two or even three) of the other.
Many women say they just KNOW when they're done. Like when you look around and wonder "are we all here yet?". But when if you KNOW you're NOT done but your partner is?
You might also like:
-
Ask mamamia……is there a ‘right’ age gap between siblings?
-
Only children. Is one really the loneliest number?
-
“Oh my god, we’re sushi sisters!” came the cry from across the bar.
-
‘My partner’s family is a mess’
-
The couple who refuse to tell anyone what gender their toddler is.
My partner and I agree that we would like four kids, but as we are yet to have one I’ve told him to be prepared that I might change my mind.
But I feel like two is not enough and I couldn’t have three. In my experience there is such a thing as “middle child syndrome”… every middle child (from a family with three kids) that I have known has had issues and has been very difficult! Has anyone else found this?
Someone told me I was crazy to want four, she said “Why would you want four births and four sets of stretch marks?!”. I’m not sure why but I think four would be a good number (and two boys and two girls would be perfect!). I’m hoping to have twins anyway, they run in both our families!
Do you think you’re done Mia? Are your worried about “middle child syndrome”?
Thanks Cath, I feel a little less heavy-hearted after your comments…we’ll see what happens, but I hope to move forward without fear.
Your comments about ‘worrying’ are just spot on! It doesn’t ever stop. I recently asked my Mum, who just turned 78, what her one piece of advice would be to me….she said, “I have spent too much of my life anxiously worrying about things that HAVEN’T happened! Re-channel your energy into things you CAN control!” Thanks Mum, I’ll do my best : o)
I am one of ten, it’s so much fun. I was an aunty before I was seven. We range in age from 31 – 8 and all have same parents!
You get asked if you are going to have a fourth? Mia, this is bad. I was hoping the questions might stop after two. Silly me.
Depending on my mood, my answers to ‘Are you going to have another baby?’ range from ‘Have you not met my husband?’ (ie he doubles as my second child) to ‘As soon as I am pregnant, I promise you will be the first to know’, said with a smile and regardless of who has asked, including the guy at the post office.
OK so I just made that bit up. These are the answers I think up hours after the offending question has been asked. In the moment, I am way too over-come with slack-jawed shock at the audacity to reply with anything other than what my polite Anglo-Saxon conditioning allows. (Was that too many hyphens?)
Are people really trying to rush us forward do you think? Or is it that these questions might be more of a reflection on the person who is doing the asking and their needs, fears and desires?
And yes, IrishLaura, questions are not just limited to this area of life. What IS it with people who ask about your Real Estate assets??? My answer to THOSE people is ‘I have just bought my 17th investment property. Where? Oh this one is in Noosa, just off the beach…’
Ok, so I made that bit up too!
Hey Sarah. Well, since you asked… Of course it’s a very big decision, and one you need to make with your husband. But I think if you were content right now, you maybe wouldn’t have posted the comment. The whole baby thing is very confronting to us as parents and people, and it’s not unusual to have fears about the unknown – (especially if the experience of caring for a child with a disability is a reality for your family).
First, we worry that we won’t be able to conceive, then we worry that we won’t carry to term, then we worry that we won’t be good parents, or won’t ‘cope’, then we worry about surviving the labour and delivering a healthy baby (counting fingers and toes, etc.), then we worry that they’re not geting enough milk, or that there’s something wrong with them. Then we get them home, and we go on worrying for a bit, especially about SIDS (and we check them constantly to make sure they’re still breathing as they sleep). Then at about 12 months, when we’ve eased up on the SIDS worry, then they get teeth (but we worry, on the really grizzly nights, if it isn’t really meningitis), then they start hurting themselves, and falling over and we worry that they’ve got a concussion.
And this worrying pretty much goes on and on, and includes worrying that they won’t fit in at school or kinder, worrying that they’ll be bullied, worrying about them hurting themselves, getting their hearts broken, getting pregnant (or getting someone pregnant), getting their license and getting in cars with others who’ve just got their license, getting into drugs, etc, etc.
Luckily, everything else in your life is happening simultaneously, and we get distracted from our fears, (which as just as well, or we’d go nuts!) – although they still lurk around in the background a bit. For like, ever.
But my point, (yes – I do have one), is that all that worrying won’t keep them safe. And all your magical thinking about not tempting fate wont guarentee that nothing will ever happen to your family, or yourself. Having the illusion of control over our family’s fate, and safety, is a normal coping mechanism to help us deal with the pain is the ass that is just loving them to bits. But in reality, you can’t bargain with fate. You can only do what you can do.
It’s hard to be objective from your perspective, but if you want my opinion, you’re not too old, the age gap between your others is ideal, and there’s absolutely no reason to suggest that anything will go wrong for you if you’go again’ (not more than anyone else, anyway). The decision is yours, but don’t decide not to have another because of fear. As someone pointed out, (sorry – can’t remember who to credit with that little pearl of wisdom!) you only regret the babies you don’t have.
Hi everyone, really loving reading all the comments…wow, we all have a lot of life experience between us. I posted some thoughts on Jan 9 in this thread and was hoping..waiting..for someone to respond..if anyone feels like tracking back and reading my post I’d appreciate any responses. Since feedback from my close friends is somehow too close, it would be nice to get a non biased opinion about my fears…and whether other people have similar fears. I guess my experience of having a mentally disabled sister, broke my heart and spirit, a little bit, years ago, and seems to become more broken as she gets older, and as I realise the enormity of it and the injustices in the world.
Oh Aimee….such a valid and poignant point. Our thoughts and hopes are with you for your scan today……..
Aimee, you are so very right.
You may find the article Mia posted under ‘Motherhood’ on October 24 helpful. It really helped me.
I hope all goes well.
My fingers and everything else are crossed for you, Aimee… xxx Cath
Wow. Well, I’m coming at this from a bit of a bleak angle today. Will shortly be having a scan to see if I’m ‘losing’ my baby. This would be my second miscarriage in 4 months.
It is pretty stinging to me that some people get to choose the number of kids that will make up the perfect family while others are unable to have a baby at all.
Don’t mean to sound spiteful, and certainly don’t resent anyone else having children, I think I’m just having a quiet meltdown.
It’s kind of amazing that people don’t get how personal these issues are – even the one about getting your license! And you’re so right, Lotte – as soon as you grow boobs, it’s ‘When, when, when?!’ with the boyfriend, engagement, wedding, baby, and then ‘when’ with the other babies. I don’t really get ‘road rage’ as a concept, but I fully understand ‘the-big-questions-rage’!
I guess the reasons for this are: A. People don’t have much going on in their own lives (I’m talking grandparents, etc. here), and B. They’re literally just trying to make conversation, and those questions have as much meaning to them as a comment about the weather.
There’s nothing worse (and more guarenteed to cause serious ‘words’), than when someone asks you “Are you going to have anymore?”, and you say “We’re still thinking about it” at the exact same time as your partner says “No, that’s definately it for us!”.
In my experience, I’ve learned it’s better to shut right up about these things – because they’re often the cause of some ongoing conflict. And much, much worse than that, it’s also my experience that the majority of people who have no children, or an only child, or a large gap between kids, did not choose that option. So many families are experiencing the pain of infertility, or chronic miscarriage (or other loss), that you really need to be careful that you’re not scratching a wound that already won’t heal with your flippant questions – especially if you have loads of kids yourself! I remember often making judgements about childless couples, or spinsters, as a kid. Now that I know better, I realise that there’s a good chance that they would have liked a family – most people do.
Lotte I hate the questions too! I’m looking forward to reading your column Mia.
It’s not just questions about relationships that drive me crazy either. If one more person asks me why I haven’t got my driving license yet, I think I might become violent!
Lotte, I am working on a column about this – how everyone is always trying to rush us forward. I am totally guilty of this. And it can be awkward when people ask you Big Questions about your life in front of your partner if the two of you have not resolved them yet……
I must be asked at least half a dozen times a week if I’m going to have a fourth child. Answer……?
Am LOVING this thread.
It’s just the question I have a thing about. Or rather, questions…
They started about twenty years ago. They go like this:
Have you got a boyfriend? Why haven’t you got a boyfriend? Why are you being so fussy about potential boyfriends? Why don’t you go (insert ridiculous suggestion here) to meet a partner? etc
Then it was : When are you getting engaged? Why are you not engaged yet? When are you getting married? Are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? Are you ‘trying’? How long have you been trying? Have you had a miscarriage? (OMG)
And now we are up to : ‘Are you having another baby?’ and ‘When are you having another baby?’ (This very regular last question is difficult to be consistently gracious about as have miscarried three times now)
As much as I am sure these questions are (mostly) well intended, I just don’t get why people need to ask at all.
I do talk about whether I am done, and my current situation, of course, but to a select few, and only when I am ready to.
People of the world, I love you, BUT ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS ALREADY!
(I secretly love that you ask this of women up to 45 Mia. At 39, I feel young!)
I think it is definitely becoming a matter of how many children can you afford to have as opposed to how many children you would like to have. My partner and I both want three kids and we recognise that we are going to have to make sacrifices in order to have three. I think it depends on what your reason is for wanting a certain number and for most people it is based on their own personal experience of life, eg: life as an only child or a child in a large family.
As several other people have mentioned above, I also think large age gaps between children can make a huge difference – I think my sister and I would have been a lot less competitive if we weren’t so close together in age.
This is an interesting topic and one I have been thinking about a lot just lately – we have 2 (a 2 year old boy and a little girl who is almost 4 months now) and have been spending a lot of time with some friends who just moved to town. They have 4 (ages 5, 4, 2 and 5 months) and want 2 more, whereas I am agog at such a thought and was sure from about week 3 with my daughter that I was done!
I have a twin brother and no other sibs but my husband is one of 6 and I definitely think that affects your view on how many is the right number of kids for you. He wanted more but he also works very hard and is not around much, so I have said that we are done at 2 – I know my own personality (very type A, need to be organised and in control as much as possible) and that even one more kid would stress me greatly.
I do admire those who think 4 kids is not a big family!!
Very poignant post – I have one 15 month old son and to be honest, I am done. Personally at least – one is honestly enough for me. But for the sake of my son I agreed to another (my only child mother made my promise not to have an only child if I had the choice!). Plus I must have the most baby obsessed husband in the world – he would have 6 if I would do the carrying/birthing! So here we are, two weeks pregnant with another one. And I will probably give in to a third – I agree with the romantic notion of a ‘troupe’.
JanelleC – v interesting thought re regretting the ones you don’t have.
At the age of 17, I haven’t had any yet (thank God!) but I’ve been sure since I was little I want three, or possibly four. Of course, I understand that life tends to laugh at you when you make plans, but it’s the way I want it. I largely attribute it to my own family – I’m one of three, the youngest, and my mother has four siblings, three of whom have children ranging in age from 36 to 3. Some of their children have had children, and as this side of the family is quite close, it makes for a big tangle of cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles. I love it. My father, on the other hand, was also one of three; his brother had one child before dying young, and his sister has never had any. We’ve never been very close to that part of the family, and so the family I base my own desires off is my mother’s.
I think that the gap between each child also matters though…as I said, I’m the youngest of three. After having my older brother and sister two years apart, my parents thought they were done. However, when my brother was eight and my sister six, Mum decided she wanted a third. But, as much as I love my brother and sister, the age gap has really sucked. Because they grew up together,they were more like friends, whereas by the time I came along I was merely the cute baby sister. When they were doing cool, teenage things, I was still a little girl. Their relationship was one I couldn’t really be a part of. When my brother turned 18 and went through a rough patch, it was my sister he confided in – and as I was still a little girl, no-one told me anything. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten closer to them, my sister in particular – but my brother still has difficulties seeing me as anything but his baby sister. These days, my brother’s moved out, married and has a family of his own. My sister plans to move out for good this year. They’ve grown up and have their own lives, and I’m still a teenager.
So – to wrap up a hideously long response (I’m sorry, I really am) – when it comes my time, though I want more than two, I think the gap will definitely play a role. I wouldn’t want to have two close together and then one by him/herself, because personally, although I love my big family, being a good six years younger than my nearest sibling wasn’t all that fun.
Actually Peta, my husband pretty much worked out of town until some time after my third son was born. After that, he began studying (as well as working) to become a teacher so he could teach rigging and welding (and be with the family), instead of always being away doing it. Studying part time, as well as working, meant that he was hardly ever around! Maybe I’ve unwittingly made it sound as though this time of my life was a piece of cake. It wasn’t! I guess I’m writing from the perspective of someone who’s ‘come out the other side’ of the pregnancy, baby, toddler stage, and thinks it worked out ok. I don’t think of 4 kids as a large family, (I guess it is by today’s standards, though), but I agree that that many kids isn’t for everyone. If are insightful enough to know you don’t want one, two, or any amount of kids – good on you for having enough insight to know that.
I’m probably directing my comments more to those women who are dwelling a fair bit on the whole ‘am I done, yet?’ issue. All I’m saying is that if you’re dwelling and agonising over it – part of you probably is not ‘done’ yet!
I also wonder what makes us ‘hardwired’ to want a certain amount of children, Janelle C – so many things I guess, from your own experience as a child (including your birth order), to your fantasy of having a big family (or your fantasy of ‘travelling light’!), to your relationship, bank balance, pregnancy and labour experience, and star sign! I was one of 4, and my husband was one of 5. My sister has 3, (my other sister and my brother are gay, and have no kids), and my husband has one brother with 4 and 3 siblings with 3 each. I think if you had a good experience of being in a larger family, you probably want to replicate that – even if it’s only subconsciously.
Its an interesting thing to ponder, and ponder it we do!…We have a 2yr old daughter and I feel most of the time thats enough for me..my husband only wants the one. But then we look at our daughter who is already a little lonely I think and ask is it wrong to have another baby for the child you have already? Financially one kid makes sense, we can do holidays and private schools and a bigger house, but with more kids comes less oppurtunity for our daughter. I am torn as my husband and I are ambivilant about our own brothers we never see them much….so the romantic notions of siblinghood don’t stand as much.
Peta, I suppose we all make choices for our families based on the way we grew up and what we liked and didnt like about our childhood.
I have a sister and our parents both worked fulltime all through our childhood. My sister and I both made the decision to only have our children once we were financially able and happy to leave our careers behind. We didnt like growing up with a mum who, from our eyes was too busy at work all week.
As an adult and a mother I now can see she was doing what she thought was best for all of us, and I think thats all we can ask for.
I too cannot believe this post has come at such a time. I have a son about to turn 2 and have been asked when the next one is coming constantly for months now. My husband and I were always only going to have the one because we felt financially and career wise it made sense. I really struggled when our son was born and at the moment feel panic wash over me at the thought of having another BUT as we have just put our son into a bed the prospect of selling or keeping the nursery furniture has arisen and honestly I’m not sure i’m ready to part with it. Is it my inability to let go or am I waiting for more? I am asking the question, “are we all here yet?”
Wow Kelly you wrote my thoughts down exactly. Sorry Cath but I’m wondering if you ever had your husband not around much it becomes an entirely different question if they’re not. I’m surprised no-ones written any thing from the being a child point of view because I was one of four and I was the child who basically got ignored. My parents admit this they were too busy with the others apparently. This has had a big impact on my life. I guess its all about your situation isn’t it.
Ah, I can relate to this. I’d love to know what wires us to want a certain number of children – or none. I think a lady in SA has done a study on this, but ?? what the answer was.
I have 2 boys from my first marriage, ages 15 & 13, then 2 girls from my second (hopefully permanent and final) marriage, who are 4 and 18mths. I wasn’t going to have a #4, but I realised I really wanted my daughter to have a sister, because I have 3 and they’re just so special – more so than other friendships. I offered to hubby to have one more, and he said he’d have 6 if it was up to him. Well lucky it’s not!! My body’s still protesting after #3, let alone #4. I said we could have 6 if he gave birth to them, and consequently we ended up with only one more. As fate has it, another girl. I got my sister-wish, yay!! Hopefully the girls will enjoy each other when they’re adults. It’s a bit hard to tell so far! If #4 was a boy I wouldn’t have tried again though. I would have just been glad my hubby has a son of his own, as well as his adored daughter. And gotten over the sister for my daughter fantasy.
And I’m now at the lovely phase where I can happily give away clothes, toys, etc as the girls grow out of things. And when I hear of friends having more babies, well good luck to them, but I’m DONE!!!! And the certainty of that feels so good. Like a relief compared to indecision.
I heard a saying that we only regret the children we didn’t have, not the ones we have.
We had always planned 2 children. I come from a very large family (9 kids, spread over 4 decades) and wanted to keep my own little brood small and manageable, but after number 2 arrived I just knew I wasn’t finished because at period time I always hoped not see anything…you know, “oops, I’m pregnant” to effectively take it out of my control. But, at the same time I kept telling myself and every other person who asked ‘I was done’ and even booked my husband in for a vasectomy because I just couldn’t imagine myself back at the starting line again.
Funny thing at that time happened….my neighbour was sending her husband in for a vasectomy reversal and kept saying to me if you’re not ready to close the door, you need to wait – just to be sure, because his vasectomy cost $300 and his reversal was around $6000! (ouch on both levels!).
Well, my number 3 arrived a year ago and now I feel our family is complete. I can’t really explain that feeling, you just know. And, if you don’t, then you’re not done yet!
And, btw hubbie has now been ‘fixed’.
We have one child, will start trying for number 2 very shortly and even though my husband and I have said 2 would be great, there is a part of me that thinks maybe 3… Cath – I always love your comments but am particularly loving you this week as you have summed up my thoughts/fears perfectly. Babies are a damn nuisance BUT it is only for the shortest period of time. I look to the future and I see my husband and I with our kid (s) and I think bliss..I look back on the first 12 months and remind myself ‘it’s only 12 months!!’.
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly… you still have time! It’s true – there are trade offs when you have another baby. Babies are a damn nuisance! But although when you’re ‘living it’ it can be a stressful time, it’s so temporary – in the context of your whole life, it’s like the blink of an eye! They grow so quickly, and before you know it they occupy each other (taking the pressur off you!), and it gets easier. You don’t have to change everything forever, some adjustments for the family in the early days, sure – but then you grow and shape your lives as a family until you get it how you want it and it doesn’t feel like such a sacrifice.
It is a hard decision to make though, and it gets harder the longer you leave it. Even though I am a self-confessed babyholic, I was lucky in that I didn’t have to make all the decisions – we chose when to have two of our kids, the other two made their own arrangements, without consulting us! It would have been hard if I’d had to consciously make the decisions – I can’t even buy an outfit without going back to the shop a million times, and getting a second, and sometimes third opinion!
Wow, this is a particularly tricky one for me too. I am 37 and have a wonderful 4 year old boy and nearly 2 year old girl. Both healthy, lovely and lots of fun. Though of course, lots of work, and I agree with many who have commented that they need more attention as they get older. My hubby thinks we are a neat team of four and is digging his heels in about any more. (Though I know that there is a tiny part of him that secretly is curious to have more – he is an amazingly loving and attentive Dad). I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to push for something if you both aren’t on board 100%. Having said that I do wonder about ‘our other child’…would we make a boy or a girl…the fact that we could…what would they be like? what would their interests be? Is it greedy to want more? Or do we all over-analyse it too much (that’s what my Mum says)? My son is keen to have a brother or sister and loves other kids. I am hanging on to a little box of boy and girl clothes in case. The biggest thing, more than financial or emotional or logistical…is fear. I have a handicapped sister, who is now 35 years old and totally dependent on my Mum and Dad. Although her condition is not genetic (ie: I have no higher chance of having a child with her condition than anyone else) I have grown up around physically and mentally handicapped kids (who..just happen to grow up into dependent adults, which is a whole other thing). The point is – I don’t know if I could handle dealing with a child who was not okay and my chances for problems are higher due to my age. I know that sounds horrendous to say, but it’s so close to me that I know what the future would be. I know that you can’t control life, and you can test for many things, but I wonder if I should give up on the idea of a bigger family and accept my amazing good fortune with what I have? Or should not live in fear and push my hubby to take another chance and perhaps change our lives forever (remember I am 37 now) or be content with what I have????
I am an only child and was very lonely and was very envious of friends from larger families. I can completely relate to romantacising a large family. My husband and I have 3 kids 12, 11 & 9. They all have very big personalities and it has been difficult, tiring, stessful but overall very rewarding and usually when you least expect it. I would not change it for the world. I think 4 logistically for us would have been a challenge with time, space, finance and transport. Luckily we were of the same mind. I find as they get older they require a lot more time.
Deb
I have a son who’s 4 and my husband is desperate for another, but I am completely on the fence. “Am I done?” is a question I ask myself constantly and have no real answer for. I envy people who don’t care about the trade off that goes with bigger families. They know about the lack of sleep, time, less money and freedom but want the family enough to go for it. This is my husband.
Me, I think in an ideal world 2 kids would be great. But in the real world, I know it will be harder to keep up my travel habit with another kid, we’ll need a bigger home, and I already do almost all the parenting because of my husband’s long hours. I also struggle with how to offset my own ambitions with being a good mum, so the idea of more kids is a whole lot less appealing. But that doesn’t mean my desire for the ‘ideal family’ has gone away either.
What to do, what to do. I’m 37 – how much more time do I really have to decide? My doctor says not much, if I won’t do IVF, and I wouldn’t.
Sometimes I wish I was a man. Life is so much simpler and having kids involves so much less sacrifice.
Kelly
I have 3, always wanted 3, hubby always wanted 3, we both have 2 siblings. Hubby had a vasectomy a month after no. 3 was born fortunately. Even though I have the 3 I wanted and even those 3 drive me absolutely NUTS most of the time and I DEFINITELY don’t want another child….. when I see those brand new babies at the shops or the doctors, I want a baby!! I don’t want the child they grow into I just want the baby. Even if I’ve been up all night with a sick child and am at the end of my tether, show me a new baby and I melt on the spot and want one. Hormones are a bitch! Thank goodness he had the vasectomy!
I have 4 children aged 10,8,7 & 6. I love being a mum and we wanted to have our children close together. They were all planned because I just had that feeling of ‘maybe I could have just one more’.
Having found the baby stage so difficult I knew if I left much gap between them there would be no chance of ever going back. After I had the 4th baby (born right in the middle of Winter) I just knew there was no way I could cope getting up in the middle of the freezing cold night again.
The final message for me that I was most certainly all done was when a good friend rang to tell me she was pregnant. My baby was a few months old (normally the stage when I would get that ‘maybe just one more feeling’). Normally when a friend would tell me they were pregnant I would feel thrilled for them and excited. This time, of course I was thrilled but I also a feeling of ‘glad its you and not me’.
And one more thing… If you’re ‘on the fence’ about whether to have number two, number 3, or especially number 4 – you’ll probably have it, and you should. I’m absolutely not saying that you should do this in a dishonest way – it’s ultimately obviously a decision for two people in a relationship! But don’t have unfinished baby business to live with all your life – make your decision, but make it for the right reasons. An extra baby won’t be the end of your relationship / marriage. Resenting your partner for ‘not letting you’ have another baby just might.
I have 2 beautiful girls, 3 1/2, and 5 months. I had a late miscarriage when my first daughter was 13 months old, so I really appreciate having given birth to a gorgeous, healthy #2. My husband and I had always said we wanted 2, although as we both grew up in families of 3 children, 3 is now starting to sound very appealing – although not for another year or two! The difficulty lies in me being the primary earner in our household, which makes maternity leave, breastfeeding and child care a bigger issue for us. With #1 we both worked part-time until she was 1, before returning to work full-time over 4 days, with her in care 3 days. With #2, and the wonderful help of grandparents, I’m working mostly from home, hubby is back to full-time and both girls will start back at 2 days per week in childcare from next month. It’s a balancing act, but made all the more possible by strong support from our employers and extended family. Without this level of support going for a third or fourth child would simply not be possible. Part of me would love to have 5 or 6 children, but practicalities start to get in the way of that notion.
I always wanted 4 kids, but after 2, my husband thought that might be enough. After some negotiating (I had to stand firm on this, because I was always honest about how many kids I wanted before we were married – I always wanted more than 2), we had number 3. Another boy, of course!
There was a 2 year gap between the first 2, and a 3 and a half year gap between 2 and 3. I worried that my baby would always be tagging along after the ‘big boys’, and would have loved to have a mate for him, but my husband was pretty adament that 3 was enough for him. In fact, he was talking vasectomies, but I wanted to wait until our baby was at least 12 months old. I wanted more, but was happy to compromise, and thought of my 3rd as a bonus.
Then one day, when my baby was about 5 months, I felt bit sick. In that particular way you feel sick. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! But no, I was definately pregnant again, despite fully breastfeeding, being on the pill, and hardly ever having time to sit next to my husband, let alone have sex with him! I never missed a pill, but in that hazy period of sleep deprivation, breast feeding, and having a toddler and kinder boy, I forgot my pill in the morning, and took it later in the day. Unknowingly, and honestly without any intent, I accidently left the window of opportunity ever so slightly ajar, and my little fate baby climbed through it!
I was delighted, because I sometimes like to think fate makes the decisions that you can’t make yourself. My husband was honestly devastated, and I guess you can’t blame him for that. While I think women think about how important siblings are for balance, etc., men often think of it from the perspective of the main breadwinner. It does change your plans, especially in regard to decisions about boring stuff – like cars, houses, and holidays. He got over it, obviously, but it made for quite a challenging pregnancy. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But sometimes I think I would have been happy with half-strength, you know?
I didn’t hold him back when he booked in for his vasectomy about ten seconds after the baby was born! Being the Queen of freaking fertility, I knew that the exact same scenario could, and probably would, happen to us. So off he went to have it done when the baby was 3 months old – on September 11th, actually. THAT September 11th. He was up in some discomfort watching TV when he saw the footage of the first tower coming down, (how symbolic is that?), then we watched in horror as the second come down, and pretty much saw everything else unfold on TV that night. Obviously, I told him it was his fault for having the vasectomy!
When I got into the swing of having four, I loved it so much that I would have liked more – 2 more, of course – I like even numbers! But I’m very happy and grateful to have easily conceived and delivered four beautiful boys, and I know I was lucky to get them! I just think we were meant to have 4, and it works really well for us – there’s 3 sets of 2 in the family, and everyone always has someone to hang out with.
Now the boys are 7, 8, 12 and 14, and I think it’s probably just as well that I didn’t keep breeding! They’re all fantastic, but I feel teens need a bit more support and guidance in these years to work out who they are and what they want to do. It’s hard enough to do that now, let alone if I’d gone on and had the other 2 boys, (and they would have been boys- that’s all we can bloody do!). So I’m ok with it. But I still find it hard to accept that there won’t be anymore pregnncies, babies, toddlers, etc.
Oh yeah – my youngest son is the apple of his father’s eye, by the way. Always has been.
I have one gorgeous child, I always presumed that I would have more, but my life took twists and turns that I never expected.
My daughter is 17, I’m 39 – it’s been a long hard road – I know now that I will never have another child – and sometimes it makes me feel sad cos up until recently there was always a chance that I could have another one – and now that chance is completely gone – it’s (secretly) hard to accept.
Oooh, Mia! This post comes smack bang in the middle of my husband and I deciding on whether we should contemplate number 4. When we got married, we always said we wanted 4, and we had 3 in 3 years. That really kicked our arses, physically, mentally, psychologically. After number 3 he was still keen for another one, but I had said Noooo Way! I was bogged down in playgroup, breastfeeding, swimming lessons and a hideous bout of PND, and could not even fathom bringing another child into the equation. And then? Then the haze lifted, my little one started sleeping through, the oldest is off to preschool and I am again feeling that little pang whenever I see a pregnant woman/newborn baby. Unfortunately my husband has gone off the idea of another child at the moment, so I guess it’ll only happen if/when we both want it to. That said, if we didn’t have another child I’m quite ok with that. A baby is a miracle, and to think that I had that x3 makes me feel very blessed
I wasn’t really sure until my children got to their current ages (17 months and 3 years) and I’ve discovered my limit. I know I couldn’t handle any more without risking my health – physical, mental or otherwise.
I have 2 beautiful children and am thankful for them every day.
I have a 2yr old and 4yr old and I am done. I always new I wanted more than 1 child but I started a little late so I was lucky to squeeze the second one in at 37. I’ll be 40 this year and get very tired at times so the thought of 1 more gets cancelled out pretty quickly.
My sister has 1 child, 11 and still thinks about having another try at 43, she has also had 2 miscarriages. I feel sad for her and her husband but sometimes it is just out of your hands.
I have a 12yo, 10yo and 1yo. Yes, same father!
I love children but struggle hard through that 1st year. After my first 2 I knew I wanted a larger family but wasn’t ready until my 2nd was 4. Then lost a baby in my 5th month of pg hence the large gap.
The large gap works for me better. I adore them all. They all adore each other and I hope they can hold on to some of that towards each other throughout their adult years.
We cannot have anymore, lucky to have the last.
Families come in all shapes and sizes.
You know you’re done when you husband goes off and gets the snip because he’s decided he’s done fathering children.
To be honest, although it’s taken nearly 2 years for me to come to this point, he was probably right – 4 is plenty of children. As they get older they get more challenging, more time intensive, more expensive…..and then they bring friends home with them. You probably know a lot of that from Luca since he’s so much older than your younger two. That doesn’t stop me from having pangs of regret when I see pregnant women or newborns.
I think some women are just biologically hard-wired to blank out the hard parts of pregnancy and parenting a baby. Others have a much clearer sense of what works and doesn’t work for their families, like my sister-in-law who recognises that she wouldn’t make a good parent of more than one child.