What mummy tummy?
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Well, it’s been a few weeks since I had a baby and you’ll be relieved
to know I’m back in my size 6 white jeans. Yay, me. Also, I’m doing
triathlons to blitz those last few pesky grams of baby weight. Isn’t
that great?
Oh wait. It seems I’ve been watching too much E! News while
breast-feeding and am confusing myself with Nicole Kidman and Jennifer
Lopez. Silly, sleep-deprived me.
In actual fact, I’ve never owned a pair of size 6 white jeans except
maybe when I was, you know, six. Such a small item of clothing would
certainly be of no use to me now except to use as a burping cloth. And
a triathlon? That’s just funny.
Here’s the thing. Since giving birth, my body has not done much
bouncing back (although it’s been doing a fair bit of bouncing, if, by
bouncing, you mean jiggling). I have not blitzed my baby weight. And
apparently, this makes me different to every celebrity mother who has
ever drawn breath. That’s what the magazines shriek at me week after
week and I hate them for it.
May I make a heartfelt plea to the famous new mothers of the world? KEEP YOUR BLOODY GEAR ON AND STOP POSING FOR THOSE SMUG ‘HOW-I-LOST-MY-BABY-WEIGHT!” STORIES. ALSO? WOULD IT KILL YOU TO STAY OFF RED CARPETS FOR SIX MONTHS?
Seeing you show off impossibly flat stomachs and slim hips in tight frocks and skimpy bikinis does not endear you to those of us who don’t have access to personal trainers, private chefs, discreet liposuction and oodles of time.
Fact: Losing lots of weight means eating dramatically less and exercising dramatically more. Neither of which is compatible with breast-feeding or any other new-mother activities like, says, staying awake and remembering your own name. So the celebrity standard truly is a joke. A not-funny joke.
I have a friend who recently had twins. For that alone, I believe she is a hero. The fact she managed to leave the house when they were a few months old for two hours of retail therapy? That deserves a commemorative stamp.
With the babies at home and her hands free, my friend should have had a lovely outing. This is the text she sent me:
“In change-room. Nothing fits. Stupid sales girl just asked ‘When is your baby due?’. Leaking milk on tops. Want to cry.”
Oh sister, I’ve been there. Last time I had a baby, a sales girl asked me the when-are-you-due question. The answer was “Two months ago”. I did not buy anything.
But we shouldn’t blame sales girls. We should blame celebrities. And gossip magazines. Oh yes we should. Somehow, famous women and the mags that chronicle their bodies have turned post-partum weight loss into a spectator sport. And along the way, they’ve recalibrated our idea of What A New Mother Looks Like, one pair of teeny white jeans and one triathlon at a time. Well done! Society now has a totally warped perception of how a female body should look after giving birth.
But look, I also blame myself for giving a toss about wobbly bits instead of being grateful to my body for carrying and feeding my beautiful baby. More fool me.
It’s not like there’s any imperative for me to look a certain way. I have no deadline. I don’t have to slink down a Victoria’s Secret catwalk in lingerie like Heidi Klum did three weeks after giving birth to her second baby. I don’t have to chair a 20/20 summit, like Cate Blanchett, three days after her third. I don’t have to go to Starbucks like Nicole Kidman did, right after Sunday Rose was born. No red carpets beckon. No paparazzi care.
“So what’s your problem, you vain twit?” I hear you say, rolling your eyes. “Just put down your silly magazines and stop comparing yourself. It’s a pointless exercise in superficial angst.”
You and your rolling eyes are right. But it’s too late. There’s an impossible benchmark in my head and I can’t delete it.
This is the message I have subliminally absorbed from a decade of celebrity photos: ‘Immediately after giving birth you must delete all physical evidence of the miracle your body has performed. Except maybe boobs. OK, your boobs can be huge. But only boobs. Your stomach must instantly retract until it’s flat, preferably before you leave hospital on day two looking glowing and immaculate. As for extra weight anywhere else, well, you shouldn’t have put it on in the first place. You mean you weren’t just a cute little compact baby bump? You and your back fat should be ashamed of yourselves.’
One day last week, after having a big bowl of masochism for breakfast, my back fat and I recklessly decided to try on some of my pre-pregnancy jeans. Big mistake. Huge. Wrong way go back.
I was lulled into this delusional idea by the heady combination of sleep deprivation and Katie Holmes’ baggy jeans. While I was wearing maternity kaftans, she seems to have made them cool again. “I have baggy jeans too!” I rejoiced. “I can be cool!”. Until I tried to put them on and discovered they were no longer baggy. Bummer, that.
So the next day, I decided to wave the white flag and put on some of my maternity jeans. Dizzy with comfort, I vowed to ditch my scales and my stupid celebrity standards. There are far more important places to divert my angst, after all. Sarah Palin anyone?
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Sigh. Another one.
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Fashion week backs down. Models can still be walking skeletons but at least they’ll be over 16.
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I wish celebrity mothers wouldn’t do this…..
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This is everything I detest about magazines
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An apology…
I will NEVER forget a “friend” of mine , handing me a weight loss consultants card and saying “when you are ready to lose the weight…” THREE DAYS after my baby was born.
I had the last laugh tho… I didn’t excercise (beyond dawn pushing the pram cause the baby won’t settle…) but I was back to my old self within months( and in fact, fitter and she is still 15 kg overweight.)
I love the saying 9 mths up 9 mths down… the point I am trying to make is that our idea of post pregnancy image is warped, and instead of supporting new mums, and allowing then to cocoon with their new bubs, we expect them to bounce out of the hospital ward, to a perfectly clean house, and in size 8 jeans.
Not so long ago women spent the entire first week in hospital, and were allowed to rest and recuperate with their babies while mums, aunts and neighbours looked after them…
I actually feel sorry for these celebrities, how awful to be concerned about your weight/ looks when you have just been through the most amazing life altering experience… I look back with nostalgia to those first few precious weeks spent cuddling my baby in PJ’s
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Actually g, Mia instigated the whole ‘Body Love’ policy thing at Cosmo in 1997, and had girls of different shapes, sizes and nationalities in every issue. So i think these thoughts definitely occured to her. (Not that u need me to stick up for you Mia, i just hate when ppl are misinformed!)
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I’m curious? Did these thoughts occur to you when you were beauty editor at CLEO or editor at Cosmo and making young girls like me feel awful for not looking like the models you portrayed as average aussie girls?
Could have sworn all the models in Cosmo pregnancy are pretty thin and good looking too.
Hypocrisy they name is Mia
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I’m curious? Did these thoughts occur to you when you were beauty editor at CLEO or editor at Cosmo and making young girls like me feel awful for not looking like the models you portrayed as average aussie girls?
Could have sworn all the models in Cosmo pregnancy are pretty thin and good looking too.
Hypocrisy they name is Mia
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Karen, I’m with you. I have always said to myself and my girlfriends, it takes 9 (well 10 really) months to stretch everything so it makes sense that it’s going to take the body at least 10 months to let it all settle back.
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I had a different experience. Following the 2 weeks after I gave birth to twins, I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes (I’ve always been a curvy size 12). Two months following the birth I was back at the gym ; going to the gym was more a personal break for me as opposed to going to try to get a ‘sexy body’. When the boys were 2 months I had to go out and buy a pair of size 8 jeans – I was breastfeeding my boys pretty frequently and the weight just kept falling off. I was eating more than I had ever eaten before (especially rich foods like cake and schnitzels).
People would make a lot of comments and women particularly, would offer me food (which I was keen to accept – the breastfeeding made me ravenous).
In my experience other mothers would try to dismiss my experience of having the weight simply fall off after giving birth and would insist that I must be on atkins or that I was spending far too much time at the gym.
Eventually I stopped breastfeeding when the boys were 16 months (they were only breast feeding 1-2 times a day at this point). I never weighed myself, but at that point I was back in my size 8 jeans (I did get down to a size 6).
The boys are now 3 years old and I’m back to my curvy size 12 self and now mothers never comment on my size.
..I do miss being able to eat cake and hot chocolates everyday and those size 8 jeans though…
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Sarah Jessica Parker came right out and said it isn’t normally achievable to loose the weight so fast. I can’t recall her exact quote, but it was something about her having a whole team to help her (exercise, childcare, chefs), plus the pressure of a career that demanded that kind of body. And that she didn’t think it was normal that she was back in shape so fast.
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Great to see you back in the paper, my Sunday’s just weren’t the same without the morning chuckle!
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We could all achieve what the celebs do if we had chefs – personal trainers – nannies – personal assistants & managers !!
God even I’d be happy to pop out a set of twins if I had that much help !!
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These celebs clearly cant be breastfeeding – I know after my first baby, my body needed all the energy (food!) i could get just to keep up with the feeding demands of a newborn. Then with the added lack of sleep, the last thing I would want to do is fit in a workout in between feeds!
I am so glad Im not a celebrity – I would hate to think the world, or should I say media is watching my every move and commenting on how I look and how much weight I have lost.
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Hi Mia, I have two weeks to go before we welcome our little bubba into the world. I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight and seeing what JLo and Nicole Kidman are up weeks or months after they have given birth just gives people unrealistic expectations. I am sure if I had a Nanny, Chef, Stylist & personal trainer I could whip my body back into shape pretty quickly. But as far as I am concerned, spending loads of quality time cuddling and smooching my new bubba will be my priority for some time after she is born. They might gain their terrific bodies back by working hard but how much time to they get to spend with their little one’s while they are sweating at the gym? It takes nine months to grow a baby therefore I am expecting to slowly lose my baby weight over the following nine months.
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JLo looks nothing short of unbelievable! The woman just had twins.. I actually read a nasty gossip UK piece about how curvy J-Lo still hasnt got “it” back… Please! She just had twins!!
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I know I seem to be making a bit of a day of it, you know, hanging around the Mammamia ranch, but now I’m glad I did. kzmet, you speak wisdom…when you say,
‘I am still a chunky monkey…my baby is so beautiful, I cannot be angry at the body that made her…..’
Golden words…
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Thank goodness Mia was back in S on the weekend! 20 months after baby, I am still a chunky monkey whether I care or not comes and goes…my baby is so beautiful, I cannot be angry at the body that made her too often. However, its when I go shopping that I feel like shit why are big boobs taboo? Why should no shirt ever fit right…anyway Nicole et al have nannies and would rather spend 2 hrs a day exercising away from their babies, Im not sure I would want to even I could afford it…its their loss in the end.
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I’ve never been asked when I’m “due” after I’ve given birth, but I have been asked when I’m going to get rid of my weight, which I think is an equally rude question. With all my babies, I didn’t even feel like I had the motivation or time or energy to jump back on the treadmill until they were about 7 or 8 months old. When my first baby got to this age, it was about the time I got knocked up with my second child, then history repeated itself when my second child was 8 months old – bang – pregnant with number 3! So the poor old treadmill has lay dormant for the best part of 4 years, but you know what? I am so glad I spent that time doing the important stuff, the stuff that really mattered, like just sitting and watching my babies sleep, or play (or fight, now that they’re toddlers!) And although carrying a few extra kilos and that tummy fat (where did my belly button go??)sometimes gets me down, I like to look at it as my pregnancy battlescars, a reminder of what I’ve achieved! My youngest is almost one now, so the treadmill has been dusted off in earnest, but I don’t have a chef or a cleaner or a nanny, so it may be a slow process. Celebrities live in a bubble; their lives aren’t real, and trying to measure ourselves with their yardsticks will only make us go mental. Now after all that talk of treadmill-ing, I think I need some chocolate….
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BTW, who’s the chick in the pic? she’s gorgeously chunky and yummo. Is it JLo ? Now this is what a girl should look like when she is exercising. And it makes the gigdairy hard in all the right places and soft when it comes to having a partner like that to share a life with, however….
JLo, I think it was you, I am not lonely, thanks for your offer of a singles page, but I don’t need it, I am a happy old curmudgeon, been there done that, it’s best you girls go the family route, this old bloke learnt long ago that he ain’t livable with…and prefers to play the rock’n'roll and write contentious comments.
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Mia, I am still waiting for my belly to go… oh did I mention I already had one before I was pregnant – that was 19 yrs ago.
I fortunately or not was blessed with inheriting a tendancy to have a pot.. there are many women in the family who have it, so I am not imagining it! I would love to be without this blessing and then well, I supppose it is ok.
I too dislike the emphasis placed on how slim the rich and famous are. I am not so sure they are all that healthy.
Aside from any other snide remarks I could make, I am sure I could almost be as trim as they and with Lipo I could be as trim……. if I had a trainer, a cook, a babysitter, a guard, a cleaner, a surgeon (on call) for lipo and any other transgression towards aging that happened to pop up after I have utilised my body’s resources for…. drinking, smoking, reproducing, eating, slothing around and socialising/networking …
All normal stuff that us plebs do get up to but still an unreal expectation that we all seem to get trapped by.
It is wonderful that celebs look so wonderful, perhaps we shouldnt take ourselves so seriously.
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I too, have been asked when I was due about two months after having a baby. Some etiquette on asking a woman when she is ‘due’: Unless you have just seen a baby emerge from a woman, or have been reliably informed re the situation, YOU SHOULD JUST PRETTY MUCH SHUT UP.
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Mia,
Nice to have you back on Sundays, hasn’t quite been the same without you!
Thank you for being so REAL. You’re not alone, but it’s nice for us “ordinary” people to hear a high profile person like you has similar insecurities and struggles.
We’re only human!
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Mia, I think of you as one of the beautiful people, too!
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Mia I think of you as one of the beautiful people. Nice to know that you have your insecurities too (but I bet you look much better than you make it out to be). But at the same time you are speaking the truth, and it is very sad. I think that women should support each other against these ridiculous standards (perfect post-pregnancy bodies) as much as we can.
Btw, I think it’s ridiculous to ask someone you don’t know when they are due to have a baby. That should only be asked when a woman has announced that she is pregnant.
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Oh, Mia. They’re not real people, you know! And there are some who might even suggest that some of them aren’t having real pregnancies, or even real babies! In a way, I really feel for the new celeb Mums that can’t just sit back, relax, and indulge a little bit in what I like to call ‘The Time of The Muffin’, (insert appropriate comfort food of choice instead of muffin, if you like).
It’s as though your body’s working so hard, doing so much nurturing, that it just needs to be nurtured too – with sleep, nourishment, childcare, TLC. And in the absence of all those things, there is The Muffin.
Your body will get itself organized to shape up a bit when it’s good and ready, and not one minute before. Till then, it’s all about survival, and if your relationship’s intact, the kids are fed and clothed, (and ‘mama mia”s taken care of!) it’s all good. Just keeping on top of all this stuff makes you amazing. I know you already know all this!
I actually find it a bit weird looking at slim, made-up, manicured celeb mums in their new baby magazine pics, (other than Angelina, who looked a bit earthy and dishevelled and natural – which was beautiful). You can’t help thinking the baby’s going to have to fit into their schedule – beauty and fitness appointments, publicity, etc. For the rest of us, the baby IS the schedule, and we do our best to fit stuff around them.
You bet there are other things for us to think about, and collectively giggle at. Sarah Palin? Let’s milk that one for all it’s worth! After all, all we can really do over here is watch with interest, send over some collective good vibes, and hope that common sense prevails. Oh, and laugh. A lot.
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Also – great to see youback in the paper
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Btw, is the Heidi Klum thing true, or did you use “three weeks” as an approximate figure, just to suggest how soon after birth she did that? cause 3 weeks is absolutely INSANE. in fact, i would suggest not even humanly possible!!
and i believe in bouncing back… i have to say, i was lucky to lose my baby weight pretty quickly myself. incredibly quickly first time round. but it’s one thing to lose the weight. it’s another to be TONED. enough to go down a catwalk in lingerie!!! i mean… it took me about 10 days just to start walking (and sitting) normally because of the stitches…
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After my Mum had me (also after she had my sister) she left the hospital in her size 8 pre-pregnancy jeans.
My mum is just naturally thin and she worked hard during her pregnancys (when pregnant with me my parents owned and ran a hotel; when pregnant with my sister my parents owned and ran a motel) and she didn’t put on much weight. She also smoked.
But every body is different – I’m sure there are lots of non-famous women like my mum who didn’t put on much weight.
And there are some famous women who don’t rush to get the weight off too. I thnk Kate Hudson took awhile to get back to her pre-baby body.
Also, maybe it’s different for famous women because their body is their meal ticket. They need to look a certain way to get acting roles or perform their concerts, don’t they?
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i know you’ve posted on this before, but i loved this piece. and i especially loved the fact that it was on S. So good to have you back in the paper! Totally made my day yesterday!
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