If you’re too old to have a baby, is it feminism’s fault?
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There’s a really interesting piece in today’s Australian where conservative columnist Janet Albrechtson blames feminism for not properly informing women about their fertility.
THE strategic silences of feminism are
having profound effects on society. For all the brilliant choices
ushered in for women – the freedom to forge ahead with careers, to stay
single, if that was their wish, not to be tied down by family and
babies, if that was their choice – feminism failed women by refusing to
inform them that their new-found choices came at a price.By failing to remind women about their biology and their declining
fertility, feminism deliberately ignored the innate desire of most
women to have a child. The silence continues. It is there in the
classroom where, like previous generations of young girls, the present
generation is still not taught that fertility cannot be taken for
granted.
Fortunately, there are moves to fill in the silence about infertility.
If it happens, it may allow young women to make more fully informed
choices about work and babies, avoiding the sorrow that afflicted many
of their childless forerunners.
Unlike women in the 1950s and ‘60s, the liberated generation of women
that followed in the ‘70s and ‘80s had the world at their feet. Yet
feminism’s mantra of choice made little room for women who chose to
eschew careers for babies.
Indeed, if we are honest, feminism never had much time for babies.
Having babies meant leaving the workplace, opting out of the career
track, at least for a time. With its unwavering focus on encouraging
women to make great strides in the professions, making their presence
felt in the boardroom, the courtroom and parliament, the feminist
movement deliberately ignored motherhood as a legitimate choice for
women.
I’ve seen first-hand too many women in their thirties and forties who had no idea about how their fertility had decreased until it was too late. Is that feminism’s fault? Or is it the fault of celebrities who have "miracle’ babies in their forties and even fifites…..when actually they use donor-eggs? No matter how young your face or body looks, there’s no such thing as botox for your ovaries. There’s nothing you can do to stop them getting older.
I’m not suggesting it’s wrong to use donor eggs or that any woman should have to tell the world about her private fertility choices – choices are a key tenant of feminism. And every woman has the right to privacy.
But if we’re going to get our information about fertility from reading gossip magazines, there are going to be thousands of women who are bitterly disappointed when they discover it’s too late for them.
Sadly, I have so many friends dealing with this exact issue. They’ve been forced to undergo all manner of intrusive procedures like IVF (NOT the easy fallback option many women assume it’s going to be….IVF is expensive and difficult and invasive…) and some are just having to accept childlessness as a life sentence.
But ultimately, I think WE need to be the ones educating ourselves -
and yes, girls need to be taught in schools not just about how EASY
it is to get pregnant but about how HARD it is to get pregnant once
you’re past a certain age. In the end, it’s up to us.
I think it’s a cop-out to say "feminism didn’t tell me". We have to educate ourselves, our daughters and each other about the true risks of waiting too long to have a baby……
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I went to a single sex Catholic school, where chasing your dreams and achieving huge things was pushed from the get go. We spent a lot of time with career counselors, motivational speakers and university guides spread before us. Our sex ed program was brilliant, but mostly focused on how NOT to get pregnant. Now that I am becoming a teacher myself, I am determined to teach both angles.
Now that I’m in my mid-20s, I’ve started to realize that it had never been mentioned to us that having children often means a pause, or end, to the careers we were being preened for. I’ve never had a 10 year plan, but now I know that if I want to have children, I’ve really only got about 10 years before it could become very hard.
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And on the flipside we need to respect and applaud women who choose not to have children instead of criticising and judging them. For whatever reason, whether they didnt find the right man, simply didnt have the urge or felt their career was so important to them and demanding that it wouldnt have been fair on a child.
Some people just arent cut out for being parents and we need to be respectful of their choice. Instead of having them bow to societies expectations and have kids when their heart just isnt in it.
We know a couple who did exactly that. They had two children in very quick succession. Niether of them had much time away from work after each birth. They have a fulltime live in nanny and a weekend nanny. They both travel A LOT for work and their kids honestly must hardly see them. I hate to stand in judegement but cant help but wonder why they had children. It makes me especially sad when I know other women who would give anything to have a baby and cant have one.
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How dare this Janet Albrechtson suggest us women are too stupid to realise that we only have limited conceivable years. We all know about the ticking body clock ticking louder and louder as we reach forty. Don’t you agree that other than ‘choice’ it might be simply circumstance? Most women who are childless simply didn’t meet a suitable partner at the right time, and then there are all those women who simply choose not to have children, whether or not they are partnered.
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I agree that education about fertility from all angles is important because you don’t know what you don’t know.
However, in regards to the ‘have it all’ debate; I think employers (& the government) need to be more encouraging of women to have children & I don’t mean the baby bonus!
Mums need flexibility when returning to work (working from home, flexi hours, more paid maternity leave etc) so that women won’t feel that they have to make a sacrifice either way. For many women they don’t have the luxury of having a ‘career’ & a family so they have to choose one over the other, they should be given the opportunity to do both if that’s what they want but also what they have to do because let’s face it a career may also just be a job so that bills can be paid which is something we don’t have a choice about.
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Knight Rider, I simply meant that it’s down to the individual which they put first, career or kids. We can have both, but 1 inevitably loses out at some point. Not 100% of the time, but some.
As for circumstances being an issue – having a child is hard, no matter where in life you are. At 17, I was given a severe warning by several doctors, that if I didn’t get started, there would be no babies for me. I made the (silly, maybe, maybe not) decision to get pregnant with my man (together less than a year) with his blessing – it was medical, and I wanted kids. I understood that babies are hard work, and that I may end up a single mother on Government payments.
Many times down the years my sister was warned by myself, our mother and doctors that every year was greatly reducing her chances, but she put ‘a solid base’ first. Now she may never have the baby she so badly wants. And that makes me sad.
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I’m 32 and the past 3 years my “craving” to start a family has increased dramatically. I am in an unfortunate position that I am with my partner of 9 years, whom I love dearly, and he is 4 years younger and not ready to have kids. I feel pretty torn.
Just remember that if some women in their 30s don’t have children it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t understand the biological clock, or they want to have it all. Many are in circumstances which make it difficult. I get nagged all the time about Why I Don’t Have Children, like it is completely up to me and my partner doesn’t get a say. Well, it takes two to tango. I’m not ready to ditch my loving partner just so I can hook up with anything that can give me a child just yet!
So, at the moment I have to be content with being the cool Aunty!
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I’m really sorry KnightRider. I had no intention of making anyone feel bad. I was just offering my experience and how it has influenced my sister and me to make the choices we have. As long as we are doing our best (or at least trying!)its nobody elses business how we choose to live.
More importantly we need to keep reminding our younger sisters about the need to have their babies sooner rather than later. I cant believe I still have so many friends in their late 30′s who have yet to have their first baby because they are still waiting for ‘the right time’. There is never the right time to have a baby, it turns your life upside down no matter how perfect things were before it arrived !
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Great. Thanks Ladies. Now I feel really crap about being a career woman with kids!! You know what, you can have it all. You just can’t have it all and do it perfectly. You’re right things do give. Is that the worst thing in the world? When I wonder about my kids and the effect my working full time has on them, I then wonder about kids whose parents fight daily in brutal and pointless wars, about kids who have lost both parents to AIDS and are vunerable to abuse. It’s not the worst thing. It’s all about choice ladies.
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I find that really fascinating Lu, thanks for sharing.
I grew up with a stay at home mum, which for all the kids I went to school with, seemed strange as we got older. I just took it for granted she was there after school.
As we became teenagers, it changed to “grass is greener” because it seemed so great that the latchkey kids could take their boyfriend home to “fool around”.
Cushia, my heart goes out to you, I wish you all the best in your situation.
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I think this is an interesting discussion but one I will keep out of…
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I had always wanted to have a child, and saw myself having at least two or three before I was 30. My mother had had two boys at 21 and 23, and then I was adopted when she was 32. When I found myself still single at 35, I sadly accepted my fate that I probably won’t be able to have have a child. Then I met my wonderful DP and within two years we were expecting our gorgeous daughter, who is now four. We began trying for #2 in 2005 and with 5 miscarriages and 3 failed IVF cycles behind us, I’m a living example of how fertility takes a nose dive. So now at 41, I’m facing secondary infertility and most probably having to raise an only child. I dearly wanted my daughter to experience a large family.
My diagnosis is diminished ovarian reserve, which has been proven through karotyping of our little angels that we’ve lost along the day. We’ve endured almost 3 years of constant grief and anxiety; I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. I had blithely assumed that, with a 2 month wait to conceive, an easy pregnancy and an OK delivery (em. C. section, but no biggie in the long run) that I would be able to go on to many more kids. That’s so not the case unfortunately. Thanks, Mia, for putting this topic out there because it is any issue that affects every woman who wants children.
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Unlike many women my age, I grew up with a professional full-time working mum who loved her career. So when school teachers and university lecturers tried to push the ‘girls can do anything and have it all’ spin I knew from my own childhood it was a complete and utter lie.
Luckily I was always keen to have finished having my children by 35, which I achieved by having my 4th baby 2 weeks before I turned 35. But I did notice a difference between having a baby at 30 and having a baby at 35. Older, grumpier, more tired!
My sister and I both left our careers after we had our first baby. We didnt want our children to grow up the way we did. Not that we are bitter about our childhood. Like all parents, mum and dad were doing their best and doing what they thought was good for the family. We had nice things, nice home etc etc. But we never had mum there to pick us up from school – and that was all we really wanted. HER. I dont buy the ‘happy mum, happy family’ thing. Thats just another way of encouraging women to justify to themselves that its OK to be a crappy parent.
My mum is making up for it now though as she is truly the worlds best grandma and tells me this is her chance to make up for lost time.
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You can’t go blaming a set of ideals for failure to educate yourself. It is a personal choice, career or children and there are a very few who manage to have both, successfully. In my family I chose children, my sister chose career.
We need to start to take responsibility for our choices, and accept that it is our own individual responsibility to inform ourselves about our options.
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I think it’s a lie that you can “have it all” – high-powered career plus family and babies. Something has to give, somewhere, somehow. My generation of women were sold this idea and many are now finding out that it’s just not true.
I pursued a career in surgery because it was what I really wanted to do and at the time I was single with no-one on the horizon and no real maternal urges. However part-way through my training I met a wonderful man and we are now married with an almost-2 year old son and another baby on the way. There is no way on earth that I could continue my career and bring up these children in the way that I want to, so I quit my training and have never looked back.
More women need to realise that your career won’t love you back, and your children can’t raise themselves.
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We got told about decreasing fertility in compulsory science in years 7 – 10. But I’m not sure how much of that is the relitively new syllabus (which was when we were in year 7, so 2003), and how much of that was the fact that during that time, we had one teacher who got pregnant, and another who had 4 kids under 7, including 3 year old twins.
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When I was growing up the next generation before us wrote the magazines and shaped our world. At that stage 30 was the acceptable age me & all my girlfriends assumed we would settle down. Now at age 22 NINE girls close to me I went to school with have been married this year! My best friend is married and expecting her 2nd baby! It seems to be going full circle. I never thought at 22 I would be feeling like Bridget Jones! lol
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I’m terrified of being infertile, or finding it hard to have a baby when i’m over 30. But i’m unlucky–I’m single, i’m immature and have no savings, so I can’t bring a baby up, despite my abundant fertility. Its all about balance, luck and situation I suppose.
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A really interesting article Mia, thanks for bringing attention to it.
I feel like feminism forgot my generation, we take it for granted, so I can’t pass comment on whether its feminisms fault.
In my personal social circle, there is no stigma about having children and abandoning the Career Woman concept, we’re all married or on the way to being married, and its natural you then think about children, and we’re in our early-mid twenties. We don’t want to be old parents, waiting ten years, being active parents with young children is more important to the women I know.
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