“Just hurry up and get yourself some sperm, will you!”
A friend of mine received this unusual text recently. From me. And it wasn’t some crude reference to her getting laid after a long drought. Oh no. This was me hassling her to be more proactive about having a baby. To get a jolly along and get knocked up already.
Some background: my friend has wanted to become a mother since she was a teenager. Her most recent relationship lasted five years and only ended 18 months ago because she wanted kids and he wasn’t ready. During counselling, he finally admitted he might never be ready. So. She’s currently single and at 38, is well aware the curtains are closing on her fertility. Tick tock and all that. Sad, annoying, clichéd but true.
In the past year, she’s thrown herself enthusiastically into dating. She’s done blind dates and the Internet thing. She’s met lots of nice guys and a few lousy ones.
Through it all, she’s tried hard to pretend – even to herself – that she’s just looking for love and friendship. But if she’s honest, she’s actually been auditioning prospective Baby Daddies. This is difficult. Dates are loaded enough without a pink elephant in a nappy sitting between you over dinner. Give the elephant an egg timer and casual chitchat can be strained.
It doesn’t help that men automatically assume her age is shorthand for “I’m-desperate-to-get-married-and-reproduce- immediately.” For some women, this simply isn’t true. But for my friend unfortunately it is. Her fear of being childless grows with every birthday as she realises Mr Right-Ready-And-Willing-To-Conceive may never show up. Or if he does, it’ll be too late for him to be the biological father of her child.
The way I see it, at this point you have three alternatives. One? Keep dating and waiting. Fingers and ovaries crossed. Two? Resign yourself to childlessness. Three? Do it yourself.
For the record, do I believe it’s preferable for a child to have two parents? Yes. Do I believe this will guarantee a happy, well-adjusted child? No. Do I believe families come in a variety of shapes, sizes and configurations? Absolutely.
Sharon Stone is not someone whose opinions I usually hold in high regard. She lost me around the time I heard a reporter ask how she maintains such a great body. When Sharon replied:” I just laugh a lot”, I wanted to smack her. But on the subject of single women having kids, this mother of three adopted sons makes a valid point. "I’d urge anyone who is even considering it to go ahead and make their own family, instead of sitting around dreaming and hoping that their Prince Charming is going to come and give them children,” she told Britain’s Now magazine last year. “What’s the point? Make it happen for yourself. If your Prince Charming does come, then he’s going to walk in and say, ‘Oh, just what I’ve been looking for, a family waiting for me.’ We can do that these days."
Of course Sharon can say this because she’s independently wealthy and can buy unlimited help. As can other Hollywood mothers like Calista Flockhart, Meg Ryan, Michelle Pfieffer and Angelina Jolie who all made the same choice as single women. It’s a different story when you’re on Struggle Street. Same yearning, fewer options.
From my admittedly comfy vantage point of being married with kids, I flag the DIY option to my childless single friends who desperately don’t’ want to be childless. One clucky friend in her late thirties considered it but ended up married and pregnant 18 months later. Another knocked me off my idealistic, Mary-Poppins perch by pointing out that without family living near by or a secure financial situation, she felt it was utterly irresponsible to bring a child into the world on her own. Fair enough.
But back to sperm. Not being known for my tact or subtlety, it was me who raised the subject with my dating friend. “What about a sperm bank!’ I suggested gaily over banana cake at my place one weekend. Before she could even articulate a response, I’d whipped out my laptop and Googled “donor sperm”.
The sperm supply situation in Australia is not fabulous. This is because fewer and fewer men want to donate DNA which, due to new mandatory disclosure laws, could come knocking at their door in 18 years. But the market for reproductive spare parts is booming in the US for both buyers and sellers of DNA. Apart from rivers of sperm (sorry for that particularly vivid metaphor), it’s legal in America to buy and sell eggs and also to rent out your uterus so couples and individuals wanting to conceive have a buffet of options. Theoretically, you could buy an egg from one person, sperm from another and rent a third person’s womb to carry the resulting embryo. Providing you have the dosh to pay for it all of course.
American sperm banks are a lot like Internet dating agencies except with higher stakes and bodily fluids. Oh what fun my friend and I had that afternoon – and on several occasions since – trawling through prospective Baby Daddy profiles. Physical appearance, education, medical history, hobbies, personality traits…on some sites you can even see the donor’s handwriting. My favourites are the ones where the ‘collection nurses” add their impressions of the donor. I wonder if any of them like to cuddle after making their donation?
Ultimately, I don’t know if my friend will go through with it or not. I hope she does (as I made clear in my sperm text). But just knowing she has some options other than waiting for fate to send her the father of her children before it’s too late? That’s got to be a good thing.
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Now that i have read a huge variety of views on this topic, and my outlook has been expanded, i would like to say, i wish everyone luck in their quest. whatever it may be…..
It is a sad situation that we have to think about bringing children into this world in an unconventional way but for some of us single women by circumstance, the clock is ticking and it sounds like Big Ben!
I am one of those women who kept shifting the goal posts in terms of when I would try it on my own. When I was 28, I said that if I was still single when I was 30 I would look into it. When I got to 30, I shifted the goal post to 35, I was always hopeful that I would met a nice man and have a family.
At 34, I figured my husband/partner wasn’t on my radar so I made some enquiries. I know women who have accepted Mr Dosen’t Really Fit, just to have a family and then end up in a desperate situation, not good for anyone involved. I don think that is fair.
I have been on my quest for a few years now. I wanted to take the responsible path so I sought the help from health professionals. I have had 6 inseminations and 3 full stimulated cycles of IVF using donor sperm. I am still childless. The only people who understand the roller coaster ride of IVF are those who have been through it. My only experience of it is as a single woman doing it on her own. It is tough, not the actual process thats the easy part, its the failure that breaks you. It can be all consuming, its like the rest of your life is in a holding pattern. But I have no regrets, not one.
As time passes after each cycle, each failure, I am so grateful that I even have this opportunity to try. How lucky am I that I have this option. I cant remember a time in my life where I didn’t see myself as a mother. I am 40 in a few months and the cut off age at my clinic is 41. I just hope that I eventually get lucky. I dont know how many cycles I have left in me.
The bottom line is that I honestly believe that we all, men and women have the right to be parents, if thats what we want in our lives. I want to look back on my life and say well at least I gave it a shot, I gave it everything I had, than look back and wonder, if only I had tried. If it doesn’t work, by the time my 41st rolls around, I will be ready for the next phase of my life. Life goes on.
To all women out there, who find themselves in my situation, dont leave it too long to be pro-active about your life. Life is for living and its all about choice. Educate yourself, get all the information you need to make an educated decision.
I am still hopeful that I will meet the right man for me. Time will tell I guess.
Good luck
Great posts on this site, and the article is one that I am glad has been written. I would like to say that I have been thinking about being a sole parent for a couple of years now. I am getting myself financially ready. I have not given up on finding a partner, someone to share this all with. But in the case that i never marry, I will become a mother. If that is selfish then so be it. One of the things that always surprises me is that people think it is a great thing to adopt a child as a single parent, but not to plan to have one biologically. They say it is a lot of work to have a child, blah blah, as if those of us considering it have no idea that this is so. Of course we know this. We have likely done more research and soul searching than most couples do when they want a child. I have friends who think it is ok for me to adopt but not go to a sperm bank. Parenting is parenting and I personally want to do both, adopt (even if I am married) and biologically if I am fortunate enough.
For those men out there who think they are being looked at as a potential father, and are worried we are desperate to have a child, take comfort in the fact that we have options. So I won’t ever burn you, or trap you, just so I can have a child. As a 38 year old, I am not desperate to marry, but am aware of my clock, sadly, and this makes fooling around not an option for me. I want a child so much more than a marriage and that means the person I would end up with would have to be a true partner. So knowing what I want means I don’t play games. And in the dating world that is refreshing.
Parenting in a two parent home doesn’t always work, divorce is high, we all know this. So why pick on an option that would bring children into this world that are truly wanted, and are with parents who are truly ready??? Yes a father is important, as is a mother, but love and caring from one parent goes a lot further than apathy by two.
Thanks for the chance to post.
Oh and don’t forget sole parent doesn’t just mean mom, there are some dads out there too.
Ciao.
I am lucky enough to be married to a fantastic lady and have a family. Would not change it for a second.
I am 40 now, and this is what I see going on.
- People are selfish…infact…way too selfish.
-People have not grown up and still want to be 21 when they are 35+. They want to party hard and carry on like idiots…just go to the King St Wharf in Sydney and look in any number of establishments there….
- Women are way too picky. If I see another one say I want a decent guy who wants to be a good father and cannot find one, I will scream..literally…
- Men are way too picky. They want to date a fun, good looking, model type….sick of this one too….guys…they do not exist…1% of women fall into this category
- there is an imbalance of outgoing ladette type women to shy, introverted men….these two types never get together socially…and when I read forums like this…maybe they should…
- The men you women meet in clubs are not interested in anything more than self gratification….then again..some of you woman are in the same boat…
Everyone is looking for Mr Right and Miss Right these days….and it is not until they are late 30’s they realise Mr He’ll do and Miss She’ll do are the ones for them…and at this point you find you are tarnished by previous relationships and find yourself wanting….
I myself am no oil painting, but at the same time, considered handsome (even if it was my mother and grandmother talking..lol). My wife is no oil painting, but I consider her the most beautiful person I know….
My experience up to when I was 28 was(married at 30)…what do you do…where do you work…do you own a house…crap like that….my response was….clerk…council..live at home….the truth being…engineer…large multinational….owned 2 properties…..It is amazing what the difference in response from a woman is based on those two responses (even had one abuse me some months later when the truth was known…and even then she wanted to date me…crazy).
I really think the right people are out there for each other…..
and that this new phenomenon of single mothers inseminating themselves is a real cry for help for the way society today is heading…
I for one am sick of the breakdown of the family unit..and all attempts to move down this path….
For the ladies who find themselves in no other situation but to go down this path.. I am extremely sorry and feel for you..that this desparate measure has been found….
Not sure how this will read…but my opinion is that 90% of the people out there put themselves in bad situations…the other 10% (like myself)…are perhaps just lucky…
I for one hope that the baby, as created (not procreated) in the manner above, is not the new fashion accessory for the well to do corporate women type….This has been alluded to in other forums like this….
Mia,
I am a 30 year old bloke and let me tell you it is just as difficult to find a woman!
It seems today’s women want a bloke to be well educated, have an obscene income so that they can pay for a McMansion and keep Mrs in a new BMW X5 every couple of years, as well as being able to have as much spare time to stay home and look after the kids as possible. Oh, and look like Brad Pitt too!!
It is because of this pickiness that many will still be complaining about the lack of good men with other old spinsters in retirement homes!!
There are reasons why our bodies stop producing eggs at a certain age. Its not fair on the mother or the child to be a first time mum at the ripe old age of 48 thanks to frozen eggs. Menopause is meant to be hard enough to deal with without having to get up in the middle of the night with a crying baby – especially when the baby is yours!!
Is Kerryl a real name? Or is the “l” on the end a misprint?
Yeah, I dunno if I like the thought of someone going in there to get my eggs! I cross my legs just thinkin’ about it!
Men have it sooooo easy sometimes!
Ok, time for me to jump back in. Kerryl – you make some valid points about egg banks, although there are a whole lot of issues around this as well. Many opponents of egg banks say that the process of egg collection is so much more invasive for women (compared to sperm donation which includes an orgasm!) and there are inherent health risks involved due to the amounts of hormones that must be artificially stimulated and created before collection can take place.
There is some debate in the US that financially disadvantaged women are exploited by this process of having an open market for eggs – in the US they are paid several thousand dollars for donating eggs.
ANYWAY. It’s a complex issue and one that we need to have more public debates about. It’s also a myth that you can ‘freeze’ your eggs here until you’re ready to have a baby. My understanding is that you can’t, you can only freeze embryos. Kerryl, I hope you can understand that in my newspaper column (which is where this blog post initiated) there is only so much room to canvass a topic.
You’re right that I can never fully understand what it’s like to want to have a baby when you have no partner and be looking for alternate ways to do it. That’s why I specifically said that one of my friends ‘knocked me off my idealistic perch’.
I wish you hope and luck in your bid to become a mother….
Mia x
I agree with Kelly. Let it go Kerryl, clearly you weren’t meant to be a mother. Fate has spoken!
Hi Kelly, you don’t agree that we deserve more options? options that are available to women in the US? Girlfriends of mine, that know of Egg Banks now, regret they didnt know of them 5yrs ago.
I’m keen to open constructive discussion but am having little luck. Or are discussion boards only a forum for digs at each other?
Kerryl, take a deep breath and a chill pill, you’ve had your say, we don’t all agree. That is the point of a discussion board.
Cheers Mia, thought provoking piece!
Hi Eve, YES everyone, freezing eggs (like inseminating donated sperm) provides no guarantee of actually falling. & YES, if Egg Banks currently exist in Australia they’d be very expensive, and YES i genuinely don’t think i have what it takes to be a single parent so I want to explore every option.
I think it interesting that ‘apparently’, in terms of female fertility it’s only our eggs that age – that an egg banked at age 25, could be implanted in us at 35yrs, and we’d have similar chance of falling pregnant as we did in our 20’s.
Imagine if our GP’s addressed this with us as an option in our late 20’s, rather than prompting us to think-solo in our mid 30’s. Imagine if our government considered supporting this as a considerable solution for Australia’s ageing population. Imagine if like men, us women could retain our fertility for longer and let relationships take their natural course.
I think it’s an incredible & exciting thought. Does have anything other than personal swipe’s to bring to this conversation?
As far as I know freezing your eggs is no guarentee that you’ll then be able to sucessfully implant an embryo later.
Plus if you can afford to freeze your eggs for 10 years, you can probably afford some childcare & counselling so you could handle the ‘commitment’.
Or just maybe not everyone is meant to have children?
Im having visions of “rsvp.com.au/sperm/index.htm”
On a serious note, you know how much of a turnoff getting sized up as a potential dad can be? You could almost get the feeling your being sized up for potential child support claim.
Dear Mia & fellow readers,
So much of ‘Get yourself some Sperm’ on Sunday offended me.
At 36yrs (& single) I’ve grown up with Dolly, Cosmo & Mia’s Sunday musing’s – I make a point of reading Mia’s articles weekly and have considered us ‘on the same page’.
From this Sunday’s headline down I was deeply irked. Like every single woman over 30 I only need to visit my GP (& Nanna) to be re-reminded of my ticking-clock. A recent visit to a Dermatologist produced similar prodding that I seriously consider becoming a single parent – I cried all the way home.
As an aunt to three adorable under 5yr olds I’m aware of the delights/strains/challenges of day to day parenthood (& that’s WITH a husband). I absolutely believe a child can be well adjusted in having the love & support of one parent but who loves & supports the supporter?
To be plain and as a realist, I am terrified at the thought of needing a single approach to parenthood.
As a Plan A I’d have hoped this article might encourage women needing to ‘make motherhood happen’ find someone to support them through this lifelong commitment ie: a family member (cousin, sister) or a like-minded male or female friend.
As a Plan B I’d have hoped that this article might have pointed out that Egg Banks are needed NOW in Australia. My understanding is in terms of female fertility the ONLY thing that ages is our EGGS, not our wombs. If we could freeze our eggs at the age of 30-35yrs and let nature take it’s course in finding a solid life-partner we could then potentially conceive at age 45+ (if life worked out that way).
Egg Banks are available in US & while Sperm Banks are spoken of here, Egg Banks could potentially give Australian women an incredible, possible solution.
Mia, with all due respect before you casually prompt your girlfriends & readers ‘to get some sperm’ (when I believe you can’t understand the weight of our burden) I hope you’ll help us responsibly explore our every option.
I hope you will address, investigate & help raise awareness of the benefits of Egg Banks in Australia.
Best regards,
Kerryl.
thank you……
As a sole parent (single parent doesn’t really work for us girls who have used donor sperm) I was really pleased to see the column today. How great that the choices we have made are being spoken about in mainstream media. I know of many women Australia wide who while haven’t given up on having a lasting relationship have organised themselves to have children before the tick tick tick of their own fertility slows. Many of them haven’t had huge amounts of money or family support close by, many of them have more than one child. We have a bunch of kids who all know they are donor conceived and many of them do have the chance to meet or gain further information from their donors when they turn 18 – some are already in touch. It’s not new for single women to visit a fertility clinic – the oldest kids to sole parents I know are teenagers. And Mia you’re right there are all sorts of families out there and “we” sometimes more than others have put a lot of thinking into our decision, and ALL of our kids are well adjusted. It’s not really easy on your own – but the rewards are just fantastic!
I worked with a woman who did the sperm bank thing. Financially independent, amazing, succesful, educated lady. But she lived alone and had no family nearby. Once the baby was born she was a complete wreck. She used to come in every other day to visit us while she was on maternity leave, simply because she had nobody else to hand the baby to. We would take turns holding him for her just to give her some support. She came back to work full-time and employed a nanny much sooner than she had originally wanted to just so she could get a break from the baby. I think the early days are hard enough when you have a husband and parents to help. It would be living hell to do the first 6 months alone.
As a child raised predominately by a single parent (as my parents split up when I was 11 & we haven’t had much contact with our father since then), I think it’s a fine idea for someone who wants a baby to have it on their own.
Although having said that, I feel it’s important (for me) to know where I’ve come from. I have a hard time with the fact my paternal grandparents died before I was born, I would have loved to have gotten to know them. If I didn’t know my father I feel that would be hard for me too. I’m sure that’s something that alot of adopted children and children that have come from a sperm donor may feel.
But there are the adopted children that feel no need to meet their biological parents. I know a lady who made it so her biological parents couldn’t find her ‘cause her adopted family was enough for her. I, however, would always wonder.
I do believe you can get enough love from just one parent and I think if someone wants to have a child and they do it as a single parent, good for them. Having two parents does not make the ideal family; living with my parents together was hell!