This is Troy.
Australia met Troy on Sunday night, when he got fake married to complete stranger Ashley on Married at First Sight.
On a show that is logically dubious at the best of times, Troy fits in perfectly. Nothing. About. Him. Makes. Sense.
Nothing.
He is the groom all of us wanted but none of us deserve.
In literally two episodes of television, he's done enough weird things that it's not only possible but also necessary for us to rank them in order of the extent to which we do not understand.
Wot.
Poor Ashley was having a well-deserved sleep in when Troy woke her up by watching her, then complained about being hungry. So like any obliging fake wife, Ashley got ready and together, they headed out to get some food.
That was until TROY DECIDED HE NEEDED TO DO PUSHUPS BECAUSE IT HELPS HIM EAT BETTER.
When he... finishes, Ashley asks "On a scale of one to 10, was that necessary?"
He responds, "you'll see," and spoiler alert, at no point does anyone see.
No but honestly why.
Troy and Ashley are sitting by what appears to be a pool, when all of a sudden Troy starts to rub her head like she's a puppy and not a human. You think he's done but then he comes back, with more patting.
You can watch Troy pat his fake wife here. Post continues after video.
And that's all there is to say about that.
Hours before marrying a stranger, Troy decides to brush his teeth, which is a sensible decision.
But then he... this is what happens.
Preparing for tonight’s weddings like… #MAFS pic.twitter.com/EujcGxsnmr
— Married At First Sight (@MarriedAU) February 3, 2018
It's confronting and unnecessarily aggressive and we're worried for his gums but also his toothbrush but MOSTLY the woman he's about to fake marry who is going to discover this... characteristic at some point in the near future.
On their honeymoon in Broome, Western Australia (I think... I think we all know why Troy and Ashley were the only couple to not go on an overseas holiday, and it has everything to do with the term 'flight risk'), the couple visit a wildlife park.
Ashley is slightly scared of the crocodiles, which is fair, given they are terrifyingly aggressive demons that will not hesitate to eat you.
So Troy behaves the same way all grown men behave when in the presence of a dangerous animal. He stirs it up.
How to totally impress your wife: Continue to stir up the crocodile on her back after she told you to stop and the ranger told you not to @MarriedAU #MarriedAtFirstSight #MarriedAU #MAFS #9Married pic.twitter.com/46j1A6gNHM
— Georgia Barone (@georgia_barone) February 6, 2018
While the crocodile is on his fake wife's back, he annoys it and pulls its tail.
Why are you like this.
Why. Did. Troy. Eat. Tuna. Then. Go. Back. To. Brushing. His. Teeth.
No one needs to eat tuna on their wedding day. That's a fact, further supported by Troy's comment moments before he meets his fake bride that he needs a mint because his mouth feels funny.
It's the tuna. Mixed with toothpaste.
The fact that this isn't even in the top five Troy moments we don't understand says a lot about him.
When he was first introduced to viewers, Troy was shown playing tennis, hanging out with friends, and wearing a snorkel and goggles while splashing around in knee deep water.
Even his dog was like, 'that's not my dad'.
Troy has shown significantly more interest in his fake mother-in-law than his fake wife.
While he was waiting for Ashley to walk down the aisle at his wedding, he spotted her mother, and told her she was beautiful AND stunning. There was a lot of gushing over her face, which would be fine, if he stopped at some point.
But he really likes Ashley's mum.
LISTEN: We debrief on all the funniest and most cringeworthy moments from Troy and Ashley's honeymoon, on our Married at First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.
At the reception he continues to gush, and during a random moment on his honeymoon with Ashley, Troy stares at her and says, "... straight from your mother's eyes".
Stop.
Stop.
That's... that's not an answer.
It's also irrelevant.
When meeting Ashley's sisters for the first time on his wedding day, Troy wasn't interested in Ashley's age or profession. He was interested in her face AND her body. So when he was asked any question about himself, why he chose to get fake married on television for no reason, or whether he liked Ashley, he only had one response.
Cool.
This is number 9 because although it's a thing we don't understand, it's a less surprising thing we don't understand, given the way he brushes his teeth.
On the first morning of his honeymoon, after Troy has rudely woken up Ashley, he goes to the bathroom to aggressively shave his chest with an electric razor. It looks painful and the entire area is red and he needs to slow down everything he does in the bathroom by approximately 80 per cent.
Obviously this is the least weird thing Troy has done because he didn't actually do it, but we still don't understand.
There is something odd happening in every single shot that introduces Troy. Even when it's an accident.
Only Troy would have his moment of looking like a cool, relaxed guy getting a coffee ruined by a dog doing a poo in the background.
It says everything there is to say.
I'm done.
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Catch up on our Married at First Sight recaps below.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: The most cringeworthy honeymoon we’ve ever seen.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: There’s a millionaire who’s in for a shock.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: The man who just stumped Australia.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "You make me feel sick."
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: There is one VERY disappointed mother-in-law.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Tracey has a ‘secret’.