Claire on her travels
by CLAIRE VARLEY
Traveling as a single gal has thrust a number of dilemmas my way, MM friends and I think we need to think this one through together. In the spirit of, you know, sisterhood and whatnot.
Time and time again I’ve found myself the recipient of freebies and discounts given on the simple fact that I am one of those lady things that men seem so fond of.
Here’s what I mean:
At Machu Picchu I got a free tour without employing a tour guide by letting one of the guards touch my lower arm (not upper, I have dignity) a couple of times and providing a vague response to his request that I come back and meet him later ‘by the ancient sundial’ which I suspect is code for ‘in the back of the staff lunch room’. (I didn’t go back; I’m not stupid. There is a time for getting free tours and a time for being sexually manhandled and I can tell the wheat from the chaff.)
In Lima I got a cheaper taxi fare after letting the driver take my picture with his phone because he collects pictures of ‘his friends’.
I’m just going to have to hope that he doesn’t masturbate to it.
I scored a free entry ticket into the Ollaytantambo ruins by chatting with a tour guide on the train and vaguely agreeing that I might email him to catch up when I’m in Cusco.
At the hostel in Machu Picchu I got free locker hire by chatting with the guy working there and seemingly implying I wanted to meet up with him later. This was unintentional. We were talking about how he was working a double shift and I asked what time he finished his shift. I meant so he could finally go home and get some sleep, not get some Claire, but I heard it as I said it and he looked kind of torn, like he couldn’t decide if he wanted sleep or my nookie, and he kind of found a middle ground by not charging me locker hire which to me is preferential over sex any day.
And there were countless times in Brazil when I got free stuff based on the fact everyone assumes I have functioning lady bits under my jeans (Assumes correctly*.)
Now I could have taken a stand against this but I didn’t. I could have put on my best modern feminist gal voice and said ‘thanks but no thanks’ but I didn’t. You could accuse me of using my feminine wiles to get special treatment. You could accuse me of desecrating the code of the modern feminist gal. But it’s not my fault some men think with their front bottoms whilst I think with my brain (and hip pocket.)
And it’s not like I’m being a suggestive minx – I’m like the minx’s swarthy stocky hill person cousin who sells road kill at the market and walks around oblivious to the fact her skirt is tucked into her undies. I’m hardly flaunting my sexuality (case point: I haven’t washed my clothing since two countries ago and I’ve been walking around with tissues stuffed up my nose.) Not once have I instigated anything. It’s kind of like being approached by a stranger offering candy, taking the candy and running away before he can molest you in the back of his panel van.
But I’m torn on this one, MM readers.
Claire Varley is a writer and community development worker. Praise for her blog includes ‘really funny’, ‘not the worst thing I’ve read today’ and ‘are you home for dinner or do I just need to order one pizza?’ All these comments may or may not be attributed to her Mum.
What’s a modern feminist gal to do? Do we take a stand or take the freebies? Is it a case of dignity before discounts or is it ok to take the money and run?
Please note that Claire will be reading your comments – dinner party rules apply.
Comments
93 Comments so far
Just pay for things – problem solved.
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My thoughts are that if using your femininity to get free things makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. If it doesn’t, more power to you, sister!
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I have a different perspective on this.
I have been given freebies while travelling too, as a single girl who was enjoying herself, carefree and innocent. In one country I accepted said freebie, and then found myself being taken advantage of unexpectedly and distressingly.
It was just a little kiss, and he didn’t push it when I leapt away in distress, but as someone who never led this person on, or at least had no intention of doing so, and no feminine wiles to use (I hear you on the swarthy stocky hill person cousin), be careful from accepting freebies from strangers. You don’t know what kinds of assumptions they are making about you when you do. I felt dirty and disappointed afterwards, and sad that what I had seen as an innocent kind gesture toward a friendly tourist had not turned out to be so.
It didn’t make me lose my faith in people, or never accept kindness from strangers again (far from it), but it did make me a little more wary. Keep your eyes open and think about what they might expect from you and whether you might get into an awkward situation later… then accept if you choose.
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I agree given that we often do not understand the local cultural nuances – things can often be more complicated than they appear to be on first glance. Be friendly, be open to meeting people, but I think you run more danger of getting into a tricky situation by relying on feminine wiles.
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My thoughts are to just go for it. If you’re not going out there and doing it in a manipulative way, then who cares! You’re saving a bit of money, and they don’t need to give you free things… you’re not tricking them, you’re just saving yourself some $$ for souvenirs!
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If your free stuff makes you uncomfortable, you should check that it’s a good fit before you accept it.
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I’ve been reading the comments, I understand where people are coming from but the comments like “it might be safer to go along with it to avoid a dangerous situation developing”. I resent the implication that a woman is, if a situation does develop into something dangerous is automatically in a vulnerable position.
Why is this? I understand some awful things happen but I also know that women are more than capable of defending themselves, why should we go along with things “just in case things go bad”, if things go bad why can’t they fear us!?!
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This is a terribly naive comment. Unfortunately, the chances are that if a woman ends up in a dangerous situation, she will not be able to defend herself against a stronger male. I am a firm believer that personal safety is one’s own responsibility, regardless of gender. If you don’t feel safe, chances are – you’re not!
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Lots of dead women around the world unfortunately can’t disagree with you on this one.
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it’s all grey area. if you’re not intentionally being deceptive, it’s not morally wrong, technically speaking.
but that’s not the most important thing. the most important thing is how it makes you feel about yourself. it sounds like you have an internal defensive reaction, justifying it to yourself, etc. pangs of conscience are a good sign you’re compromising your own self-worth, and no “freebie” is worth that.
maybe that’s just stuff you generated for an interesting article, though, and otherwise you wouldn’t have spared a second thought for any of these events. if that’s the case, keep not worrying about it
you can ask and receive plenty of opinions, but you’re the only one who has to live and sleep with your decisions (assuming you’re not intentionally harming anyone) so yours is the only opinion that really matters.
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I don’t find this article at all funny or clever. Is it a feminist dilemma or an ethical one, or even a matter of personal safety or taste? Different cultures have different ways of doing things and I think the writer is being careless and disrespectful leading these men on. And for what?
I don’t mind flirting, having fun and sometimes even getting things for free but the situations described here are tacky, suggestive and possibly dangerous. And I don’t mind playful, light writing—but this is not that.
I have traveled overseas and am careful about the situations I get myself into. Even being cautious I have experienced some uncomfortable moments. Letting someone take your photo in this digital age – God knows where it will end up. I can’t believe the writer even alluded to the possible missuses so casually. This is cheap crap. And by the way, since when has a penis, or a man’s sex drive, been referred to as their front bottom (by a woman who claims to think with her brain)?
In the spirit of, you know, sisterhood and whatnot… stop leading men on, frustrating them and giving us all a bad name.
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I agree leading MEN on and not thinking one day things are going to turn sour, and it wont end well.
you are playing a very dangerous game with these men all to save a few dollars.
i really think you are enjoying toying wiht them to see what you can get.
please think about it next time and pay your own way like any decent person would, there is NO such thing as a freebie.
i found this article very very sad, to think someone is bragging about leading men on to save a couple of dollars.
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Claire you just made my day. Your writing is HILARIOUS. You’ve got some talent! Ignore the Sam Brick comparisons – there was not an ounce of humour or self-effacement in her piece & I can tell that’s not where your head is at all.
Have fun & go with your gut. Your heart’s clearly in the right place.
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ahahaha
Great read, hmmm I personally would be more honest, and less polite (“will you call me?” “probably not”) but if they are being pushy and you don’t want to be rude I don’t see why you can’t have free stuff as part of the mix. However if you let someone take your picture you must assume that they will masturbate to it or it will go online and others will do so.
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“I’m like the minx’s swarthy stocky hill person cousin who sells road kill at the market and walks around oblivious to the fact her skirt is tucked into her undies.”
“It’s kind of like being approached by a stranger offering candy, taking the candy and running away before he can molest you in the back of his panel van.”
Hahaha best lines!!!
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I liked the bit about men thinking with their front bottoms, too, hahahahaha!
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My thoughts – if guys are offering you stuff just cos you are friendly, female, whatever – that’s fine, it’s their prerogative, I say go for it! But in pretty much every example you gave, you seem to actually be leading them on a bit, insinuatuing you might call, meet them in the staff room, email them, hook up or whatever. To me that is the line. If guys wanna discount or give stuff cos you are female, well ok then, lucky us! But to giggle and allude to ‘more to come’ is IMHO deceptive, manipulative and where the line is crossed!
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Yes i agree you are leading them on, why would you say your going to meet them later when your not.
are you that desperate for a freebie.
this could lead to unwanted advances.
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Hey alliekat,
I was thinking alomg your lines except for that last part (Sorry!)
I don’t think Claire was intentionally being manipulative or anything; if anything, it’s the men here. They touch her without invitation and say and do suggestive things that she doesn’t encourage (in the beginning at least.)
But, saying that, I’m not sure what she does is alright. She has probably crushed many a man’s heart on her voyages.
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I’m not sure why feminism has to come up as an issue in this.
Even though the guys’ intentions weren’t particularly honourable, you have been willing to accept their offers, and are able to justify your actions to yourself. I am sure that there are also many men who have been offered comparable freebies and would happily accept them without any qualms. I think it is more a question of personal principles, rather than anti-feminist behaviour.
I am not comfortable with accepting freebies that stem from the type of offers you have described as it doesn’t fit with my own ‘ethical code’. It works for you though and I think it’s as simple as that.
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If people (men) want to give you freebies/discounts because you’re a woman, that’s their choice and I don’t think you are a bad feminist for accepting. You have suggested several times in this article that you made vague promises to meet up later with people who have then given you discounts. This seems a bit disingenuous and perhaps in future you could be clearer on what your intentions are.
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Also, the fact you’ve written this article and your uncertainty on this issue suggest there have been occassions when accepting favours has made you uncomfortable. Go with your gut. If it feels a bit wrong, you probably shouldn’t do it.
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I’m fairly “new” as a girl who travels by herself, but I found I have been treated overly nicely by tour guides/surf instructors/waiters/hotel staff, and yes, I am not oblivious to the fact that being a single travelerette might have something to do with it…
However, I don’t see anything wrong with it, as like you Claire, I haven’t done – or even promised – anything in exchange. In fact, with the surf instructor in particular, I made it clear that I wasn’t interested, and as lovely as it sounded, I didn’t want to “make cappuccino babies” with him. I still got a dirt cheap price for my surf lesson.
I don’t think it has much to do with feminism. I might be naive, but if you come across as an open-minded, friendly, chatty, bubbly individual, people will tend to do you favours, without expecting any sexual favours in return! Being charming might help, yes, but I don’t see anything wrong with it at all.
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make cappucino babies?! wtf?!
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Yeah I know! He was ‘dark’ and I’m “white” so… yeah… Capuccino babies?!?!?!
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Hmmmm be careful.. For my 18th I booked a mini bus to take my friends out clubbing. When booking it over the phone I got chatting to the guy and he seemed nice enough, bit of flirting over the phone and he offered to “see what he could do” about getting me a bigger bus for the price
On my birthday night the bus turns up, it isn’t s mini bus, it the size of a Greyhound Pioneer bus, we thought it was brilliant! We piled on to find the guy I had been chatting to on the bus, expecting to come out on the town with us (unfortunately he was no Orlando Bloom, if you know what I mean). He didn’t get invited out with us and I thought that was the end of it. Then, he turns up on the bus that had been booked to take us home, and this time he was pretty upset he wasn’t getting anything in return for his bus upgrade. Awkwardly, he sat on the bus all the way to my house until I had to call my Dad out the front to sort him out, which he did. I always shat myself that he knew where I loved though
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work it while you got it , cause soon you won’t have it , and you’ll wonder where it went!
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I used to work in events and got loads of freebies from people who wanted me to use their services (things like free entry to dinners and balls at venues that wanted me to hire them). Most of the time I accepted, after all there was a good chance I would use their service and at least I had a chance to road test it first.
Accepting freebies like Claire’s though, is a bit more tricky. I was seriously harassed in Peru by a tour guide who I couldn’t get away from (we were hiking in the middle of the Andes). It was me being friendly that started it and it ended with my friend having to bodyguard me everywhere. Since then I think I’ve toned down my friendliness. These days I think I would feel very strange about accepting something like that.
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Hi Vivacious, it is a shame that you had that experience. I have lived in Peru for six years now and I am constantly astounded by how passive and genuinely helpful Peruvians are even when they have so little themselves – not being at all defensive, but just sharing my extensive experience here.
I have travelled extensively in Asia too and I can tell you that vendors and guides etc are generally much more aggressive there than here. For example, people selling things on the beach in certain Asian countries can really hassle you. Here they tend to offer and if you say no they leave you alone immediately. I am constantly amazed at how smily and relaxed they are even though they are hauling heavy baskets along the beach on hot days. I have often thought how cranky I would be in their shoes.
Unfortunately, I think Peru still has an image of being “unsafe”, which comes from the terrorism days. Certainly, things can happen here, but as I said I have lived here for six years go everywhere, take buses, take any taxi off the street and have had so many lovely, positive experiences here.
People are generally very friendly, genuine and helpful. The only place where I think people are more pushy is in and around Cuzco, since it is soooo touristy (beautiful, but touristy). Otherwise my experience is that they are very interested in you and your story and very concerned about whether you like their country and most importantly what you think about their food (Peruvian food is incredible by the way – if you have never tried it you have to give it a shot).
Anyone who has the chance to visit Peru should give it a go. I love it.
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Oh don’t get me wrong I LOVED Peru, would go back in a heartbeat. The food, the scenery, the history, it is all amazing. As are the people – other than the octopus as we named him for his amazing groping hands that seemed to be everywhere at once.
But it was an unfortunate and scary experience, that would be classified as sexual assault here. We reported it and he lost his job as far as I know. And I wouldn’t say it was something I would classify as Peruvian, it could happen anywhere. To be honest it is more the kind of thing I would have expected in somewhere like Italy. The main effect it has had is just that I’m probably a bit more guarded when traveling alone but luckily these days am mostly accompanied by my darling boyfriend.
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No don’t worry I didn’t get you wrong, I was just adding my two cents worth. There are guys like that everywhere – let’s be honest. I was sexually assaulted in Japan, which everyone thinks is oh so safe. Good on you for reporting it. Guys like that have to learn their lesson. Glad you enjoyed Peru, it is great.
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Peru in 25 days and counting!
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Yay! I hope you enjoy it – don’t just do the jungle and machu picchu though – Lunahuana is lots of fun for adventure sports, chachapoyas, cajamarca, huaraz etc are all great.
Eat ceviche – it is the most awesome flavour sensation your taste buds will ever try. Eat everything you lay your eyes on. Lucuma icecream is AMAZING!
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Thanks! We don’t have too much time there. A few days Arequipa and then to cuzco for the trek and then off to Bolivia. There’s just too much to see in such little time we can get off work. But it just means we have an excuse to go back
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Hmmmm firstly is it just me or does anyone else hate the term “gal”?
Also, i don’t think you have to be a feminist to say “no thanks” and I really don’t think it makes you less feminist to accept freebies.
I think it’s like when you meet someone that you find attractive you want to talk to them more (and often lean towards them subconsciously). I’m a heterosexual woman and when attractive men walk into work I think I’m a little bit more friendly that my usual friendly. I think we feel the need to impress people we’re attracted to, hence the men you mention giving you free stuff. I don’t think that makes you a “bad feminist”!
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My old (male) boss told me “Some men just throw their dick out the door in the morning and follow it around.”
that kind of man is just fishing to see if something bites.
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Hilarious!!!
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My rule is that I wouldn’t do anything for freebies that i wouldn’t do in front of my dad. But if I score free stuff simply by being friendly and/or reasonably attractive, I’ll take it.
I am, however, averse to the deception implied in this post e.g. vague suggestion I’ll meet him later. I think that’s manipulative and possibly even risky if you upset someone enough.
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I love getting free stuff! Work it, I say:)
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I consider myself a massive feminist – but I am super friendly to service people, and if they’re male, they sometimes give me free things! (sometimes, not very often).
With me it is never sexual, or look at my boobs, etc. Because I don’t have any! It’s just me being friendly.
A woman also once gave me some free cake because I was in there so often buying it.
But, I’m not sure if I’m being friendly or flirting. I would do it in front of my husband, does that mean friendly? But they are unlikely to give me anything if my husband is there – does that mean it’s flirting?
confusing.
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I didn’t have quite the same dilemma as during my solo backpacking days I seemed to be very attractive to a completely different species of freebie-givers: old women!
They always seemed drawn to me and they were always very well prepared for long journeys being able to offer me sandwiches, drinks, ethnic candies and miscellaneous foodstuffs every few mintues (or maybe I just looked harrowed and starved as a 19yo backpacker???).
Most hilariously I was offered a hot roasted yam at the overland border of Laos and Vietnam at about 5am, in the midst of a 25+ hour bus ride in a “modern tourist bus” that was little better than a combi van. Who am I to say no to hot roasted yam at 5am in the middle of the mountains?!
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I thought I was the only one! Women (usually grandmothers) were constantly giving me things when I travelled (in my early 20′s). My friends would be full of stories about guys giving them free stuff, or asking them out, and I would be….
“Oh Nunna (or whatever) gave me a tour of her village, a lunch, and a recipe for…….”
I have since been reliably infromed that they were probably looking for a “good girl” for their sons (nephews, grandchildren).
As to the free stuff – as long as you’re not soliciting I really don’t see the problem – I give out biscuits to people who look like they’re having a bad day (and there is no alterior motive).
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Hey Claire, great article!
Having spent a fair amount of time in Turkey, I’m used to having things offered to me “for free”, most often in the hope of “nookie” afterwards as you put it!! I just wanted to point out the perils of making a stand – that some people genuinely want to give you things. I once had an old man lure some of us into his shop, where he asked us our names and started drawing our names in beautiful arabic script on gorgeous paper. I smelt a scam and asked him outright what he wanted in return. He was horrified that we’d even thought he wanted something, gave them to us and chatted to us like friends for the next hour over cups of tea.
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I have often said “yes” to freebies when I know it keeps me safe.
This is especially relevant when you’re travelling.
Refusing an offer, especially one with a sleazy undertone, can antagonise a situation. Accepting a free tour or politely accepting an invitaton so you can “get the hell outta there” is completely justified to me. And that seems to be the case in some of Claire’s examples.
Also, sometimes it’s just polite. Again especially when you’re travelling.
Declining a gift can be extremely rude in some cultures.
When it’s a sleaze doing the offering, and you politely accept so you can get away, and then never take them up on the back-alley promise, I like to think the sleaze gets an ego crush when he’s stood up, so it’s a win for the sisterhood really.
I think when you’re travelling you can never simply relate what you would do at home in your own element.
No I haven’t accepted the free snorkel tour from the guy at my beach who has only ever seen me in my corporate gear (when I was interviewing him for a story) but who wants to see me in my bikini.
But if I’m in Fiji and the nice hotel operator wants to offer me and my friends a free snorkel tour I’d hardly say no…
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this has to be the funniest sentence ever written!
“And it’s not like I’m being a suggestive minx – I’m like the minx’s swarthy stocky hill person cousin who sells road kill at the market and walks around oblivious to the fact her skirt is tucked into her undies.”
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I say dont feel guilty.
There are another group of travellers out there intentionally trying to get every freebie possible….honeymooners
Its all a bit of fun isnt it!?
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It seems a lot of young women are struggling to navigate how to be a ‘modern feminist’. I think we need to take it back to basics of equal rights and opportunity. We need to keep striving for these and not accepting that JUST because we are a woman we can’t do this/have that. That doesn’t mean we ignore the fact we are inherently different: we are generally physically weaker; and that sexual attraction and flirting will always exist. If a strong, healthy man offers me his seat or to carry my suitcase up the stairs I give him a big smile and THANKS. He then feels good for helping someone less strong than him. Just as I would offer the same help to a 70yr old man. Because it’s not really a gender issue, it’s just a physical one.
As for freebies or favours with sexual undertones, it’s not so clear cut. No harm, no foul I say. I’ve certainly given attractive men free drinks or free entry knowing that it only mildly improves my chances, not guarantees, they will respond to me. If u think the offer is only in exchange for something you won’t give, you should decline. I.e. no thanks, I don’t want a full day tour of your city for free followed by sleeping at your place.
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No problem with this – if you can get it, then get it! When I was 18 and had quite a good body (now 34 and 3 kids – body wrecked) I was pulled over for speeding. It was night and I was driving from Byron Bay to Brisbane. I had on a bikini and a sarong. When I saw the young policeman approaching I may or may not have accidentally let the sarong slide down to my waist. He ended up chatting and let me off with a warning. There’s no way I would do this now or even attempt such a thing. Age = wisdom. Also, I’d probably get a ticket for reckless abandonment of clothing. Or something. Sigh.
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Jenna I feel your pain- you made me laugh. I remember waaay back pre kids when I had a body that wouldn’t make peoples eyes bleed form looking at it. Lol,and though I did accept free drinks on occasion, I would feel very threatened accepting anything like a free tour etc on the vague inuendo of attraction. Its a slippery slope that could end very badly.
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Jenna, I had the opposite experience. Driving home to Sydney in the early 80′s after night shift, still in uniform, starched cap and.cape of a student nurse, when I was pulled over for speeding. Policeman fined me BECAUSE of who I was stating that In my job, I should have known better. No point in using feminine wiles-hammered.
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Great topic Claire and really funny travel stories to go with it (which is always a good thing) – thanks for sharing.
I struggle with the freebies thing, not just when I’m travelling but also when I’m out and people offer to buy me drinks or friends offer to pay for meals. In the case of friends (and most dates), I know it could be offensive if I don’t accept, so I always make a point of offering to pay (and following through) the next time.
When I’m travelling, I’d be inclined to accept IF the offer is unexpected. Like you, I wouldn’t intentionally try to get free tours, lockers etc etc, but if they offer and there’s a chance they could just be making a nice gesture, then sure. I mean I try and help travellers out too, and it doesn’t mean I’m hitting on them
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Thanks for your thoughts amyspeak.
It’s a hard issue when traveling, isn’t it?
You think ‘am I getting offered this because this other person wants something in return? Do I accept it and act naive? How do I decline without being offensive? Do I even care about seeming offensive if they’re being seedy? Or maybe this person is just being a genuinely nice human being and in this case I am the bad person for thinking otherwise? Does that, in fact, make me a self-important dork for thinking it is for other reasons?’
It’s usually around this time that your head explodes and that doesn’t change the fact that the other person is still standing there patiently waiting for a reply!
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Haha, I love your description of the thought process! It’s even worse when the realisation/thoughts come later though…
I often have these naive moments where I’ll say something similar to your “when does your shift finish” comment, and only realise how suss it could have sounded hours (sometimes days) later. I think that’s even worse, because you get all those head-exploding thoughts but have no way of doing anything about it because it’s already happened. The only option then is to go into damage control, but you have no way of knowing if damage control is actually needed or if they were really just being nice or if…yeah I should probably just stop here…
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Take the freebies, enjoy them and if you feel guilty, console yourself that in the all-too-soon future, you’ll be wondering why no one gives you freebies anymore…
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I certainly let my feminist guard down a little when I was pulled over by a Mississippi State Trooper. More than happy to charm and flirt if it gets me out of being fined!
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Hilarious Claire. Make the most of it I say. If people want to give you freebies, take them. It’s one good thing about being a female. No harm done.
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I am somewhat well-endowed in the boob region and I think that it has resulted in me getting the occasional free bus ride, taxi ride, iPhone replacement at Apple, etc etc… but I’m torn too. Definitely interested in reading other people’s perspectives on it!!
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I would hate to be a guy, so confusing with all the mixed messages women send to them.
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What mixed messages? All guys are basically trying to do the same thing… get into a lady’s pants. No mystery there & no free lunch either.
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maybe they would try less if women were more upfront & said no instead of insinuatuing that something more may come of it when she has no intentions of following through in the first place
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what’s with the comments about Samantha Brick?….in no way is Claire suggesting she’s so hot that she ‘expects’ this stuff :
“I’m like the minx’s swarthy stocky hill person cousin who sells road kill at the market and walks around oblivious to the fact her skirt is tucked into her undies. I’m hardly flaunting my sexuality (case point: I haven’t washed my clothing since two countries ago and I’ve been walking around with tissues stuffed up my nose.)”
As a feminist, It makes me uncomfortable too…. but I’ve also been in the same situation when travelling (and also not saying I’m hot, really not at all)….I weigh up the offers/opportunities between my gut and my head….if it feels wrong, if I’m uneasy, I’ll say no as nicely as possible, and walk away.
If it doesn’t involve danger/dark alleys/secluded locations with no one else around, and my ’6th sense’ isn’t pinging, I might take up the offer….each situation on it’s own merits. Ultimately when you travel, these sort of opportunities add to the experience, and you can end up with some of your best memories from the unexpected. And also, I’m sure guys that are travelling get these kind of offers as well, just quietly.
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This article made me laugh so much. Thankyou! I have travelled around the world, and experienced similar situations. Having blonde hair and pale skin in many parts of the world make you (me) somewhat of a tourist attraction in itself. However I have also met some curious women, who are in awe of solo female traveller. A question I encounter often is if I have a husband. The sisterhood is still alive around the world. Many times women who I have met have invited me for tea ,invited me to dinner with their families, when purchasing goods at the local market, some women have given me extra of what I have purchased which ranges from vegetables, silk scarves, even jewellery.
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The inclusion of the words: “front bottom” and “functioning lady bits” makes this article less funny, less original, less intelligent and just crass and juvenile to me. What a shame – the topic is a relevant one.
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Sorry MM, this post is just icky.
I hope the moderators are watching this one. I predict carnage.
Remember MM, there are billions of interesting stories out there, you don’t have to publish everything. You can be selective and publish quality over quantity.
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I loved this post. I’ve often been in the same kind of situation as Claire and wondered the same thing.
Another person’s trash is another’s treasure, perhaps?
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I disagree! This is what I love most about mamamia – thinking about things that maybe I wouldn’t otherwise. Thanks Claire.
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I guess if it makes you uncomfortable the easiest thing would be to politely decline.
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Pingback: what’s a feminist to do? | claire varley
Definitely an interesting question! Even at home, there are a lot of occasions when women receive free things without asking (and I don’t mean just drinks or meals from men trying to chat us up).
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I would tend to think it was more about being an Australian travelling to exotic places – we are a novelty to people in most countries (not Bali/ popular areas of Thailand so much though
When I was cooling my feet in some rock pools in KL, fully clothed, a young man from Burma requested a photo with me. I was dressed modestly, but my blonde-at-the-time hair and white appearance was novel to him.
I also like helping travellers whenever I can – no matter their sex or appearance. It’s nice to be able to enhance someone’s holiday to our country
So it’s nice when people do the same to us when we’re the tourists
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We used to go to Malaysia a lot as kids, and I had white hair when I was little, as did my sister. We also have blue eyes, and I had Shirley Temple curls. We used to get grabbed for photos, poked at and touched a lot when we were over there. Unsettling, no?
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2 words Samantha brink
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When I read the title I actually thought this was a rehash of that article!
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My thoughts exactly!! That’s about the only comment I can make on this one, every time i’ve tried to put together a comment i’ve thought to myself, nah, probably not being very appropriate with that thought!!
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Oh dear, I really don’t want to be misconstrued as ‘doing a Brick!’
I think anyone with boobs would have received the offers I did. Nothing exceptional here folks!
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Sorry Claire – I do have a problem with this! As feminists we can’t have our cake and eat it too. Using femininity to get what we want, is against everything I stand for. I know it works and is very tempting, but I can’t help but feel it is manipulative. To get a favour by letting a man ‘think’ he may get something in return gives women a bad name and is very different to chivalry.
Sorry… might be on my own here… ready for the backlash!
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Im right there with you. I hate the fact that these men feel they can buy our bodies, affection or attention. Just say no thank you politely. Letting a man take a photo of you? that is pathetic.
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But what’s wrong with a bit of harmless fun and flirting? It’s fun for both parties involved
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There’s nothing wrong with ‘harmless’ flirting. But the writer isn’t just flirting… she lets the guys think they are going to get some action, in order to get what she wants. Not really my idea of flirting!
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Hey there Lauren.
You make some really good points. That idea of when to take a stand and when not to is what I’m really interested in hearing from people in these comments.
I never set out to ‘get’ anything; it was more so that things were offered to me and I had to make a decision on my feet about what to do. I wrote this article because it is an issue that isn’t sitting comfortably with me and I’m in a real feminist quandary here!
So it’s super to have so many people contributing comments and opinions on this one.
Claire
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Understand your point Claire and know how difficult it can be when what is offered is attractive! But it is also worth considering why you are being offered something. Think of it this way… is it okay that you are offered a promotion, because you are attractive and your boss thinks you may sleep with him? Same reason, different scenario. It just doesn’t sit right with my feminist ethos.
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That’s an excellent point you make.
Do you think we can draw a definitive line in the sand on what is acceptable and what isn’t, or is it an ‘every feminist for herself’ situation?
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Ive had men ask to take my photo before and even had guys take photos of me without my consent. I do NOT dress even remotely provocative btw. I was so offended that I ended up asking one guy to delete the photos and he turned around and said “Who do you think you are? Julia Roberts? Why would I take a photo of you”. I could clearly see the photo on the screen of his phone. Ever had yr image pop up on a website? I havent, but one of my friends has, and it was photoshopped and edited to look really sexual. Photos are are big no no.
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i think your spot on with your words.
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If you can get stuff free, why not? I sure as hell can’t, but if you can, go for it!
Anonymous below mentioned a guy getting up on the tram for you. You should have taken the seat! Why? Because the other day, I got on a crowded train in a section where there were all blokes. No one got up and offered me a seat, which was fine, I wasn’t expecting it. But then the next station a good looking woman gets on and TWO of them, offer her their seat. Made me feel like complete shit.
So if you can get it, get it.
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That’s really sad
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Im sorry this happened to you cupcake. That must have felt so deflating and shit!
Having read your comments many times in the past I think you seem like a beautiful person
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Thanks Anonymoose. Unfortunately most chivalry that I have seen only happens to those beautiful on the outside, and not on the inside.
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iamevilcupcake, I would offer you my seat in a heartbeat. In half a heartbeat.
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Thanks Claire
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Me too. And I’d even share my cupcake x
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Careful with this article … could sound a bit Samantha Brick.
But all the same, I get it. I got on a crowded tram the other day, there was me and quite a few guys who got on, one guy took one look at me and stood up to give me his seat!!! I was stumped, that’s never happened before. I’m 20, not 80, I have legs, and okay high heels, but I can cope! I didn’t take him up on the offer cos I was getting off soonish anyway, and also because as a feminist I felt uncomfortable, he was about my age (early twenties) and the other people standing up on the tram were as well. Why should I be offered a seat because I have boobs?
So another guy sat down instead and I felt reassured that chivalry is, indeed, dead
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I always take the seat if it is offered. I am not old or infirmed but I think it is rude not to.
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When I offer a seat to someone (usually looking older and frail, or with kids) I am always extremely embarrassed if they turn it down. Just sit, and say thank you! It makes both of you feel good. When people turn a seat down, I’m much less inclined to do it again.
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It’s definitely a hard call, isn’t it? And that’s why I’m so interested in getting everyone’s opinion on this, cos I’m stumped!
Where is the line between accepting an offer and taking a stand? Is it clear cut or is it a case of each person drawing their own line in the sand?
(From Claire of the above article)
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