11 ‘Captain’s Calls’ that are better than any Tony Abbott has made.

Tony Abbott

If I had the power to make a Captain’s Call, I wouldn’t waste it on Prince Phillip.

Our esteemed leader, Prime Minister Tony Abbott, has been in the news lately for making what he himself has described as a ‘Captain’s Call’ or a “Captain’s pick”.

But what exactly is a ‘Captain’s Call’? Well, according to Urban Dictionary, the definition is this: “A decision made unilaterally by a team leader without consulting colleagues, often a massive clusterfuck.”

One of Tony Abbott’s most notable clusterfucks Captain’s Calls was to knight Prince Phillip on Australia Day. This decision – which he came to all by himself with zero consultation from those around him – was a momentous mistake. It did get me thinking though. If say, I were Dictator Leader for a day, what kind of decisions would I make with absolutely no direction or consultation from my peers?

What would my personal Captain’s Call be? (Remember these aren’t going to always be logical but, also remember, I’m Prime Minister for a day and therefore temporarily blinded by power.)

First up:

1. Ban old people from driving on the roads during peak hour.

In fact, anyone who doesn’t have to drop children off to school or go to work themselves at 9am, will not be allowed on the road until it’s all clear. I mean, come on, you have ALL day to run errands and what not.

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2. Award the Order of Australia Medal to any driver who gives you the friendly acknowledgment wave.

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3. Incarcerate dog owners who don’t pick up their dog’s poo in a public space.

4. Ditto people who spit in public. Two years minimum.

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5. Public shaming for this:

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6. A mini tickertape parade for all those great humans who instinctively give up their seat on public transport to older, pregnant or disabled people.

7. Introduce a woman’s sanitary products allowance. $10 per month.

While I’m at it, I’ll remove GST from all said products. It’s not exactly a luxury item now is it guys?

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8. Ice moon prison for people who fail to signal when they turn or change lanes.

Just indicate you bastards.

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9. Introduce lanes on footpaths.

Just like driving, keep left unless (safely overtaking). Slow walkers and those who abruptly stop for not reason will receive on the spot fines.

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10. People to be ejected from the store if they cut in line at the deli.

Come on guys, don’t pretend you didn’t see me standing there before you.

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(And a purely selfish call, purely for my own pleasure)

11. Make sure it is mandatory that Matthew Le Nevez appear in at least one show per week for my viewing pleasure.

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Sure, my picks won’t exactly end hunger or bring world peace and I know that we as a society, as a country, have much larger issues that need attending to.

And, once elected and kept around for more than a couple of weeks, I’ll be sure to tackle them too. For now though, you all better keep a fresh doggy bag handy and learn to freaking well indicate.

What would you make a Captain’s Call on given the chance?

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