In April of this year, a beautiful four bedroom house went on the market in Doncaster East, Melbourne.
The asking price was between $1.05 million and $1.15 million, according to Nelson Alexander Real Estate, as the property boasted a large entertainment area, an open living plan, and a solar heated pool.
Oh.
And a toilet in the master bedroom.
Not an en suite.
A toilet.
Are you a toilet or a bedroom you cannot be both.
A bathroom and a bedroom are two different places, much like a sewage plant and a restaurant. They are different in that they are not at all the same and need to be separated by a reinforced wall.
The property was described online as offering "family flexibility," like when you can chat to your husband who's laying in bed while changing your super absorbent tampon. That kind of flexibility.
According to my measurements, that toilet is too close at the very most four decent steps from where a human being sleeps for eight hours a night.
Imagine paying ONE MILLION DOLLARS for a home, and then you move in and jump into bed, all comfy and excited, and your partner says, "Oop! Just need to go to the toilet."
POST CONTINUES BELOW: Is it problematic to have a toilet in your bedroom? Holly Wainwright, Mia Freedman and I discuss on the most recent episode of Mamamia Out Loud.
And before they've ever finished that sentence they are on the toilet because it is right there and they don't even need to open a door.
While you lie there, calculating how many years of work it took to own this beautiful four bedroom home, your eyes accidentally meet your partners. And he is defecating. In your bedroom.
Depending on what he had for dinner, there are noises. And perhaps smells. The look in his eyes betrays one overwhelming emotion: shame.
After watching him wipe his butt hole, he scrambles back in bed and tries to initiate intercourse.
No.
Nothing about this architectural design is marginally okay.
If this were my bedroom, I wouldn't poop. Not ever.
And then I would die.
Which is, I would argue, as problematic as anything gets.
This toilet in the bedroom situation has the potential to kill people.
I would hold it in, day after day, week after week, adamantly refusing to poop while being watched by someone who I'd like to maintain a relationship with in the future.
Soon enough, I would begin to bloat. And get all sweaty. And anxious. Because my body is... full.
And my partner would say, "Sweetie, are you okay? You haven't spoken in a week and you look stressed."
"Yeah, I'm fine," I'd respond. "I booked you a week long holiday because I think you deserve it BUT MOSTLY I JUST REALLY NEED TO POOP IN PRIVATE BECAUSE I'M A HUMAN BEING WITH DIGNITY."
I would become so dramatically constipated, I would need to be hospitalised, which is arguably even more shameful than pooping in the company of a person who you're sexually attracted to.
We shan't be having toilets in bedrooms. We shan't.
I do not care how little the space is we're working with, or if it's the latest European luxe trend that's entered into hotels and fancy homes all over the world.
The toilet in the bedroom trend rates a whooping 108 out of 10 and should be banned worldwide, effective immediately.
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Top Comments
Ugh, I find it hard enough to deal with toilets included in the bathroom. Separate loo is a must.