The words that are unique to parenthood

There is a selection of words that seem unique to the experience of parenthood.

How do I know this? Well, I dropped a couple of them into conversation with childless friends over breakfast, only to be met with looks of mild bewilderment and confusion. ‘What do you mean you no longer swaddle the baby? Should you have been doing that in the first place?’ asked one concerned soul, convinced swaddling and strangling were of the same family.

After reassuring my friend that we rarely attempt to strangle our son, I got to thinking about the other words that make so much sense to fellow travellers on the parenthood path but may as well be written in ancient Sanskrit for all the sense they make to those who enjoy Saturday mornings asleep in bed, as opposed to standing outside with a baby strapped to their chest while attempting to hose food scraps and god
knows what else out of a playcentre.

If you’re having a baby, thinking of having a baby or just know someone who has one, this list will probably be helpful.

MCN – A cute little acronym for modern cloth nappies, not an American TV station that screens the awesome ‘True Blood’ (that’s HBO) or hilarious Park’s and Recreation (that’s NBC). These two shows are most likely the better choice for conversation.

Swaddle – Does not involve any form of strangulation (or attempted strangulation). Swaddling is merely a fancy name for wrapping the baby tightly to create a kind of baby burrito.

Milk bags – Not a hilarious name for breasts (though I * may * still snigger like a teenage boy when I see this written), or new take on the ol’ ‘fun bags’ nickname but bags for the storage of breast milk.

Nipple petals – Sounds like something you may purchase as a ‘special’ treat for your significant other. You probably want to avoid this. NPs are shell-like things that you pop in your bra to protect tender nipples. It doesn’t get much sexier than that.

Lamaze – Hot new fitness craze taking over NY and LA? Sadly no. Is in fact a brand of educational toys that bub’s and toddlers love. We have an Octopus, we call him Omar. He is a hit in this household.

Woombie – Small mammal usually found on the eastern coast of Australia? More like an (not going to lie, kind of weird) armless zip up sleeping sack. Often used as an alternative to ‘swaddling’.

Flat Bear – No, not a bear that has come off second best in an encounter with a motor vehicle but a sheepskin toy that is in the SHAPE of a bear but is in fact, flat. We also have one of these. We call him ‘Flattie’ (sadly not as original as ‘Omar’).

Bumbo – Distant relative of everyone’s favourite little elephant Dumbo? Possibly but usually refers to a rigid plastic port-a-seat that helps babies sit up without placing pressure on their growing spine.

Snotty One – While this could apply to numerous baby related products and/or people who are actual babies or toddlers, it is in actual fact, a nasal aspirator, or, in lay mans terms, a snot sucker. The less said about that the better I think.

Soother – Sadly, not a lemon laced throat lozenge but another name for a dummy. Whether they soothe the baby or mother who is sick of being a human pacifier more is debatable.