BY ZOE FOSTER
While it’s safe to say everyone reading this pretty much looks absolutely perfect all of the time, even when they’ve just woken up, or just been the recipient of an atomic hangover, or just finished rescuing some small mud bears (they exist, look it up), sometimes, SOMETIMES we slip up and drop our incredibly shiny and perfect glossy veneer.
And so, even though this post is probably entirely irrelevant, I thought I would list some of these, and the appropriate fix. I wouldn’t even bother reading it, if I were you! What a perfectly good waste of time.
1. You have that white gunk at the corners of your mouth, and you are turning people off their food without even knowing it.
This is not only one of my Nails on a Chalkboard thingies, (the visual version) but also one of my biggest Vanity Fears, right up there with skirt-tucked-into-knickers, or boogers-in-nose. I know that sounds irrational, but it’s my kryptonite. I cannot talk to someone who has a build up of… stuff (spit and lip product) at the corners of their mouth, and pray I never force such visual horror onto others. It’s tricky, though, because say, during an event, if I am wearing a lot of lip product and talking a lot (and that’s when it happens: when you talk a lot with no drinking or eating or freshening up) I can’t very well stop and scrape the corners of my mouth, can I? No. Not really. Shittin’ hell I wish I could, though.
So, here’s what I’ve arrived at, solution-wise. Keep the corners dry. Use a stain, matte lip pencil or “texta” style pen to get full colour all over the lips, but avoid using creamy lipsticks or glosses in the outer third of your lips. Instead, just dab a touch of that stuff in the centre third of your lips, for shine and excitement. This should keep things white-gunk free. SHOULD. I’d open wide and scrape the nails of your thumb and index finger around the outer sides of the lips every now and again just in case.
2. You have definitely got too much blush or bronzer on and your cheeks look extremely pink, or overly orange and muddy, or more glittery than a K. Perry dress.
This one is easy. Just take a foundation brush and lightly paint some liquid foundation over the offending area, which will tone it down without removing all the colour. (M.A.C. Face and Body is perfect for this.) Or, take some mineral powder and buff some over the top, just until you have muted the brightness or shimmer, or tempered the muddiness. You shouldn’t (“won’t be needing to”) add any more cheek product, thank you very much.
3. It’s late in the day and you have a very crinkly, dry eye area, but there is no skin care in sight.
And let me be clear, hand cream does not count as skin care in this case. We don’t want that gear near our eyes, no siree. Instead, head to the kitchen, possums! That’s where the olive oil usually lives, (unless you are in an Italian restaurant, in which case check the table in front of you) and that’s what you should lightly, using your index and middle fingers, press onto your face, especially around the crinkly parts, like the eyes. This will add some immediate glow and freshness. Even over your makeup, yes. Alternatively, if you have some paw paw style balm in your bag, you can use that, dabbing it on gently. Keep in mind this is just make-shift stuff, and obviously a full face of lovely face cream and some nourishing eye cream would be the better solution. But FOSTERS, WE DON’T HAVE THOSE THINGS, REMEMBER? Gosh.
4. You have been crying. Now you wish to look as though you were not crying.
Poor lamb! I hope it was a happy cry, like Kristen Bell when she was presented with a sloth on her birthday. Okay. So, if possible, use a cold compress over the area to calm swelling and puffiness. Then, go for the red or allergy-clearing eye drops. There are these great little single-use Albalon vials you can buy which are, as I mentioned, great, because regular little bottles of eye drops only last ONE MONTH, so by the time I cry or fly or am hungover or bleary-eyed and tired again, they’re generally out of date. So, I keep one or two of these in my handbag, and use them after long flights, or movies starring Rachel McAdams.
Makeup wise, go for a navy or plum eye liner instead of black (it will make your eyes look brighter) and definitely waterline the lower lash line with a white-or-flesh toned pencil to brighten and open up the eyes. Lash curler and two coats of mascara, (waterproof if you think you’ll be crying again, please) and you’re done.
5. You have a jagged nail edge that is driving you not only up the wall, but along the roof and down the drainpipe outside. And you have no nail file.
Find some matches, you resourceful rascal! Then run your nail back and forth over the strike-y side until the jagged edge has been taught its lesson.
Perhaps next week I shall do hair glitches, even though we are obviously all Revlon Flex ad-worthy all the time, and have no need for such things. Might be a bit of a fun time-filler, who knows!
Zoe Foster is an author, columnist and porridge fan. She was beauty director of Cosmopolitan, Harper’s BAZAAR and PRIMPED and then collated all the best tips and tricks from her time in these roles for the beauty bible, Amazing Face. She is currently the dating columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, although her best advice in this arena can probably be found in the dating and relationship guide, Textbook Romance , which she co-wrote with Hamish Blake. Zoe has published three novels, Air Kisses, Playing The Field and The Younger Man, and she rates them among the best novels ever written in the history of the written word. Find more info on her here, or supervise on her daily procrastination here and here.
Please understand that Zoë cannot respond to ALL your questions – but never fear, there are readers that are bound to know the answers, so don’t be afraid to ask.
Also FYI, Zoe’s fabulous new novel, The Younger Man, will hit bookshop shelves tomorrow. We’ll be posting a very special ’10 questions with Zoe’ post, so make sure you come back to the site tomorrow.
What are your quick fixes for beauty mistakes?