The bikini season
By EM RUSCIANO
The season is upon us ladies and gents. It’s soon time to do something that annually strikes fear into my heart. GO SHOPPING FOR BATHERS. If I believed in emoticons there would be a feckin’ big sad face right about now.
Back when I was smooth, bendy, tight and fit, bathers shopping was a breeze. I’d pick the smallest piece of Lycra I could find and get it in three different colours.
One year I even did A WHITE G-STRING bikini complete with little belt and triangle top. Those days seem like nothing but a hazy coconut scented memory.
NOW? Things need lifting, tucking, smoothing and flattening. Basically I need someone with an industrial engineering degree to put together a miracle suit for me. I know I’m not alone. I have surveyed both my male and female friends and all of them dread bathers shopping. My best friend has to diet, tan, wax and pluck in preparation for the shopping day.
I thought I’d put together a 4 point plan for the retail outlets who sell these hateful items (bathers) to try and make it a bit easier on those of us who have the odd “problem area” (I am making a large circling motion from my neck down to my knees – just so you get the visual.)
1. Sales Assistants – For me, the ultimate bathers sales assistant is a strapping, handsome, matronly woman. Someone with a kind face, strong calves and a motherly touch. Think Mrs Doubtfire meets Madge from Neighbours meets Edna Turnblad. (I AM aware that at least 2 of these women are actually men playing women however they best display the attributes I desire.) What I don’t want is some 17 year old stick insect not taking the lifting and creating of my cleavage as seriously as she should.
2. Lighting Lighting Lighting - So many, so VERY MANY get this wrong. NO-ONE looks good underneath fluorescent lights, same goes for down lights and up lights. As far as I am concerned, change rooms should come with a dimmer switch. No! Even better- let’s just change by candle light and if possible smear some Vaseline on the mirror…..
3. Mirror – The narrower the better.
Em Rusciano
4. The change-room - Please avoid hanging a poster of a Brazilian glamazon wearing the bikini I’m trying on. I don’t want to know how I SHOULD look, you’d be better off rounding up a few burly blokes and popping THEM in the bathers I’m trying on. Then I can feel slightly superior to the posters on the walls rather than worrying that my arse cheeks don’t look like two ripe melons fighting their way out of a small hibiscus printed tent.
On a side note – I saw a horrifying thing at a jeans shop this week. BUM CAM… Dear sweet baby Jesus in heaven. I BET MY LIFE a man came up with that one. I felt violated when I realised what it all entailed. I already worry about the bits of me I CAN see why do we need to open up the Pandora’s box of the parts I can’t?
Women and men of all shapes and sizes have issues with themselves in bathers. Yes, I am 58kgs and a size 8/10 but I have had 2 children and was once an elite athlete. My shassy ‘aint what she once was. If you were all my daughters I’d say – don’t worry about how you look, get something that you love and stop thinking about the things you can’t control. But you’re not, are you. You cannot be dazzled by my sage parenting words.
So to you all I say – get something that covers up just enough that you can leave the house and make sure you find one good thing to highlight.
To the boys – White boardies never work out well for anyone. Go for a mid thigh boardie if you’re proud of your pins and VERY FEW can get away with the European speedo….
Good luck my friends.
E x
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on Austereo (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday on the Today Network) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here. You can listen to podcasts of Mamamia today here.
How do you shop for swimwear? Do you find it a negative experience?
Comments
66 Comments so far
Swimwear shopping used to be horrid until I realised that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks except me. As long as I like it and it fits me in a way I deem comfortable I wear it.
I’m fat, a size 18, and though I enjoy exercise I have my share of wobbly bits. This doesn’t stop me from wearing a bikini though – today I wore one to the beach for the first time in years. I’m only 20 and I’ve decided that my body is beautiful and healthy regardless of what fatphobic sales assistants and strangers on the beach think.
I hope everyone can enjoy themselves in the water in their favourite swimsuit!
loading...
I tried on one of Megan Gales Isola swimsuits yesterday. I must be the only person in the world who has a body that can make a $200 swimsuit look ugly…I wont be buying swimmers ever again…those tummy tuck ones just make it all poke out somewhere else and nothing can hide ugly varicous veins
loading...
The issue of purchasing bathers aside…
Em, can I encourage you to post photos from those early years?
And, frankly, I still think you could get away with it.
Note to the women – your partner/significant other/current fling loves you regardless of body shape (really).
loading...
Swimsuit shopping = worse than a pap test.
Nuff said.
loading...
I’ve decided not to let this worry me anymore. I’ve always freaked out about the way I look in bathers, even in my teens. I’ve never been more than a size 10 but have several problem areas. I had a light bulb moment a couple of months ago when I found a photo of myself in a bikini when I was 22 – I looked great then, despite my concerns, and wish I could look like that again after having three babies and being 10 years older. I figure in another 10 years I’m going to look back and think the same about myself at the age of 32, so why bother worring about it now.
loading...
For anyone in the Wollongong area – at Corrimal (10 minutes north of Wollongong) there is a shop called Cossies R Us. They have swimwear for all shapes and sizes and the service is great. I have been shopping there for years and always manage to get something I like.
loading...
Call it a totally shameless plug but one of friends has decided to tackle this very problem head on and create a boutique line of swimwear herself. And she designs for REAL women – including jiggly bits. And she backed it up by photographing it on a plus size model.
She is just starting out, but she makes all of her own patterns and oversees the production to ensure it is an immpecable fit (proper support is key) and top quality
So proud of her!
http://beyondtheseaswimwear.com.au/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beyond-the-Sea-Swimwear/233205266771094
No this is not a sponsored post
loading...
Girls with no jiggly bits are real women too – unless they’re somehow synthetic or built in a lab? This ‘REAL women have curves’ thing is stupid because it belittles skinny girls and makes THEM feel bad. We’re all real here.
loading...
Apologies Alice.. did not mean to imply that girls with no jiggly bits aren’t real
… more that these are swimsuits that mask any actual or perceived imperfections… it is a real art to size and contour the female form. Being part of the ‘jiggly bits’ crowd and knowing how totally horrifying and humulitating I find swimsuit shopping, I wanted to share the fact that my friend designs specifically for this market rather than on a small sample size 10 and then just makes them in bigger sizes..
loading...
And this is why you take a good friend or your mum swimmer shopping….at least you know neither will let you out of the store with something that looks horrible! Im lucky that last year i found an awesome pair of swimmers that I just love to wear and only by chance did the same this year…I dont do bikinis but love a one piece and thankfully there alot more of these being made in an awesome array of styles. I think that we are really spoiled for choice when it comes to swimmers (from cheap ones at bigw/kmart etc..to expensive ones..)
Though I will agree with alot of people below that sales assistants need to be careful with how they great people as it can turn you off even trying something.
loading...
I just bought two pairs of bikinis from Big W, one for $20, the other for $30, and they are amazing. Check out my post on them at http://lessthanapineapple.com/cheap-bikinis-big-w/.
I never used to buy cheap bikinis, but I am converted now!
loading...
The last 2 years I’ve bought online from http://www.swimsuitsforall.com/
Good prices, Fast postage. Good selection. Sizing has been pretty good too (use the measurements, not the sizes).
A godsend!
loading...
Nancy Gantz Swimwear… sucks it in, pops the girlz back up where god originally put them and comes in quite nice colours!
loading...
I got a gorgeous sea folly tankini a couple of years ago. Has ruching and built in boobs and made in australia too. Win all around. I was so happy with it that I was happy to pay the stupid price for it.
loading...
I am a size 8/10 weigh about 56kg and I HATE BIKINI OR BATHERS OR SWIMWEAR SHOPPING! I have a small bust and am yet to find a bikini or swimwear that increases my bust rather than makes me look even flatter. If it’s a triangle bikini l Look like I have no bust if it’s a push up bikini I still look awkward and flat . This alone is the reason I don’t go swimming cuz I don’t look good in swimwear. Have not gone swimming in about 4 years.
loading...
Please go swimming and enjoy it. I bet you look lovely. I was a similar shape and two kids later I wish I had the boob-less body I had beforehand!
loading...
Dont get me started in bathers ! I buy mine online and then kew sending them back and exchanging until I get the right one. I get my husband to tell me how it looks not the sales lady! I’m. 26 and give my body a hard time, I know I’m not fat I’m 61kg and fit and lean and 5″4 go to gym five times a week, but I won’t even wear shorts to the gym! And my legs are my best asset! I have swimmers shoulders and can’t stand wearing bathers! I bought a one piece this year for my honey moon when I go to Bali I realised no one is looking and wore my bikini instead . I’ll look back in 10 years an wonder why I covered myself up I shouldnt b ashamed but all women are sadly
loading...
I’m 30 and a size 10, but am a bit hippyish (ie my hips are my widest part). After trying on yet another pair of hipsters, i asked the swimwear store assistant if there was some different styles bottom halves, in the same fabric.
Alas there was not, but instead of just saying this, the assistant suggested that “perhaps I should consider doing a little exercise to loose the extra weight.” WTF?!
Did she really think that her little suggestion was going to inspire me to buy anything?
Needless to say, I’ve been petrified of going bathers shopping since. :-/
loading...
How awful! I hope you wrote a letter and complained about the rudeness of the salesperson!
loading...
ahhh bathers, not cossie,not swimsuit,but good ol’ bathers! I relate
loading...
Agree 100 percent!
I can never fathom why shops do not do basic things to help enhance a sale. You would think flattering lighting and mirrors would be a no brainer. And they wonder why bricks and mortar stores are in decline!
If a shop has only mirrors on the outside of doors, I refuse to shop there, how humiliating to step out in front of everyone if something looks terrible or is too tight etc.
Plus sales assistants who pounce on you, follow you like a police sniffer dog and thrust clothes that ‘will look amazing’ on you is too much. I feel so uncomfortable and pressured I just leave.
Does anyone work in retail? I would love to hear their side and know if they agree or disagree with what I have said.
loading...
I agree 100% and I work in retail – however my job depends on being irritating. I am mandated to greet you as soon as you walk in, which is fine, but then my job also extends to asking annoying questions that you probably don’t want to answer, persisting if you try to brush me off and using a particular set of terminology for everyday objects, such as the change room, which would probably make you think I’m on crack. Also I have no control over the lighting… I hate walking past the mirrors too!
However I would also like to add that every single woman without exception steps out of those change rooms with something negative to say about their body, and that makes me very sad. There is nothing wrong with any of you. We don’t stand around judging your wobbly bits. (well, I haven’t, and nobody I work with has) – so relax and feel good about yourself and your sexy new outfit.
loading...
Erin23, my job is very similar to yours, I’m a bank teller.
loading...
I agree!! i worked in retail for a few years and like erin23, my job demanded that i be that irritating assistant who pounces on you.
Where i worked the sales pressure was ON so you had to hover…if you let a customer get away and someone else pounced the sale would be theirs.
when i started there i had to complete workbooks on stupid phrases to use to get the customer on side, and how to attack a customer again if they brushed me off with “im just looking” (which is MY number one thing to say when i am the customer, i HATE being hassled when i just want to see whats available.)
loading...
JUst bought a Megan Gale tankini type cossie. Beautiful cut and fabric (I’m 40 size 12-14 with a bust and a few wobbles) and it looks really nice – if you see one try it on
I hate the fluoro lights – I reckon even my 11 year old son who is Adonis would have cellulite in those mirrors. I might even take him in one day to prove it!!
loading...
I am a total convert to the Megan Gale line Isola too!!
Such a total contrast to the Jen Hawkins stuff!!
loading...
I would kill for the body I had when I was in my early twenties. The photos show i was slim, trim, toned and flawless. But holy mother of god I was convinced I was fat. So what did I do with that glorious yong body? I covered it up! Now let’s just say 20 years and three kids later its all gone to pot. But like other posters, the irony is that I no longer care! For the first time in my life, when I probably look worse than I ever have, I feel more comfortable to be in a bikini than ever before. Oh the irony.
loading...
I think one of the best bathers inventions ever is the high-waisted bikini. Who doesn’t look good in it?!? Unless you’re a supermodel you’re going to have some fat around your tummy and those bathers tuck everything in AND create a waist. I highly recommend everyone tries a pair on
loading...
Sorry. Do you have kids? Bikini NEVER comes into consideration…
loading...
When I was last in Melbourne, my friend recommended THE best swimwear shop. It’s called Flamingo Swimwear in Bentleigh.
The woman there really knows her stuff and she is lovely (and not 23 and skinny). I got a heater in my dressing room (it was winter) and when I said that I had no idea what I was looking for this lovely lady took over and it was fabulous. She picked out the right shape and colour, everything got sucked in and ruched over and I felt decent for once.
Go there.
loading...
Argh, swimmers shopping. My least favourite form of shopping. Although petite, I was a large breasted teenager. Everyone else would walk into the surf shops and get their triangle bikini and there was no chance I’d be doing the same thing. The best I could hope for was a bikini with a bone underneath for enough support. Now at 26, I’ve recently re-discovered one piece swimmers. Thank goodness! Extra bonus? Less likely to miss a spot with the sunscreen!
loading...
Spot on Em! Loved this piece. I’ve recently started going to the gym etc and feel so much more confident in a bikini, but I know it’s definitely mind over matter, but who cares as long as I feel good!
loading...
Oh don’t get me started on change room mirrors. I just know they ever-so -slightly tilt the mirror back to give an illusion of thinness. I can’t prove it mind you, but I just know it….and I’ve had many sighs, tears of frustration and angst when I tried the new purchase on at home. Until i worked it out. Now I use my sister instead of a mirror.
loading...
I never quite understood the whole no no to speedos if you are a man unless you have a perfect body. Men put weight on in the tummy and above, so whether you are wearing speedos or boardies, that same weight is just as on display whatever you wear.
The notion of speedos being european is amusing as well – you obviously didnt grow up near any beach with life savers anywhere in Australia Em.
I say, boys, wear whatever is comfortable, is practicle and dries quickly. Be confident and dont buy in to this whole body shaming crap – we get enough of that from the girls.
loading...
i spent my teens, twenties, and thirties in t-shirts and long boardies, feeling shame for all my imperfections. something happened in my forties. i stopped f***ing caring. i have a cute polka dot bikini, i rock it. the beach and the pool are fun again.
loading...
Love this x 1000. Same deal – in my twenties and thirties I covered up – in my forties I don’t care no more and have an aqua halterneck with white polka dots. Ok, it’s a one piece a la Mad Men, but it’s still more exciting than the dark blue Speedos I’ve worn half my life.
loading...
Having a 10GG bust certainly makes buying swimwear depressing. Until last year at the age of 27 I hadn’t worn swimmers since I was 13 because I could not find anything to fit (used to swim in tiny shorts and an old bra covered by a singlet).
The worst thing after realising there is nothing to fit you is the sales assistants who insist that you will fit into a DD or E up if you would go up to a size 16. All that does in stick my boobs in a top that is far from supportive and make me look twice as big as I actually am.
Thank god I discovered that bra specialty stores do swimwear too these days!
loading...
Try bravissimo. They are in the UK so you end up getting them on sale (out of season) too which is a nice bonus.
Oh and I’m a 10H so I feel your pain
loading...
http://www.bravalingerie.com.au has lots of bigger cup sizes.
loading...
That is EXACTLY the experience I had this week from a sales assistant in Seafolly when I asked for a 12G swimsuit. She said “just go up to a 14DD or 16DD”.
Like that helps it fit anywhere else!
loading...
10F here! I discovered Figleaves the other week and am hoping to buy a lovely Freya bikini – $50 for top and bottom!
Freya seems like a great brand to try. 
loading...
I cannot agree more on the lighting. One very large swimwear shop on the south coast only has overhead lighting. It is so bad that the shadow of my knee looked like a giant bruise so needless to say every other bump and dimple is massively enhanced. Give me good lighting and you will get good sales, just saying!
loading...
I walked straight out of a clothes store the other day because there were only mirrors on the outside of the door. This might be a little extreme but FUCK OFF! Im not coming out into the middle of the store with just a bikini on while you try and upsell me the beach bag.
loading...
I agree 100%. I was once just buying jeans and I couldn’t cope and walked out. The shop assistant descends on you and starts jabbering away before you’ve even had time to form an opinion yourself about how you look. I get why they do it, it’s harder to say ‘no’ when the shop assistant is telling you how greeaaaaaaat you look, but fuck it’s intimidating. I avoid that shop now.
loading...
Further to the change room…
PLEASE have a mirror inside the room. One outside in the common area is mortifying for all – try-er-on-er-er and general customers-in-store-er-ers…
loading...
I’m also 58 kg and a size 8/10, but I’ll never wear a bikini again because my tummy has turned into a deflated balloon after 2 kids… So one-piece bathers rock! The grooviest I’ve seen are at Blackmilk http://blackmilkclothing.com/collections/swimsuits made in Australia. Amazing designs. Not sure whether I should get the “shark vs mermaid” or the “pandas” next but I love them!
loading...
Just took a look at these. Lovely designs and prints. But no S-T-R-U-C-T-U-R-E ! They look great on the skinny flat chested model, but for a more robust machine such as myself, what is needed is some structure around the bustular area, e.g. some fitted cups and perhaps some subtle little underwiring going on.
loading...
You’re right! No problem for me as I don’t have much in the way of boobs and only wear (padded) underwire bras as pretentits. Can’t be bothered in the water, though, I just want to swim and one-piece bathers stay on whether you have a chest or not – had some disasters with bikinis in my younger days…
loading...
“Pretentits” just made me giggle a bit
loading...
Haha I have pretentits!!! My girlfriends think my bra’s are hilarious, more padding than boob in there – now we have a name for them!
loading...
I am also 58kg and a size 8/10 and I have lumps and dimples on my thighs that nothing is going to conceal! However I still wear a bikini to the beach. Don’t give a toss, I’m 47, have had two kids and I’m not Elle McPherson. Life is too short to be worried about things that no one else really cares about. And at least, unlike Elle McPherson, I am not going to end up on the cover of a magazine in my bikini with everyone looking for cellulite with a magnifying glass!
loading...
Love it! It’s great to see a writer who is trying to be funny and actually turns out so – original and spot on! So tired of “writers”: who are trite, boring and narcissistic (sorry, but seems to be a major downside of the interwebs). Keep it up!
loading...
I came across this yesterday – design your own swim suit. Looks pretty good to me…
http://www.surania.com/en-au/
loading...
Oh my God, that’s AWESOME! Thanks for posting it!
loading...
Excellent! Just what I’m looking for! Do you know how hard it is to find a black halterneck tankini?
loading...
Oh my god. My bikini prayers have been answered!
loading...
Thank you so much for posting that link! I
loading...
OMG that website is so much fun, I could play on it all night!!! Thanks for that!
loading...
No problem ladies! Happy designing and shopping!
loading...
This website is AWESOME! Thank you so much, cheap too!
loading...
I say buy what you love and flaunt it. I just came back from a walk down to the creek and there was a lady in her 80′s in a hot pink swimsuit, holding her little dog and smiling. No towel or sarong to cover up, just enjoying the sunshine and being alive.
I have realised that no matter what my size is or how many lumps, bumps and flabby bits are squeezing out my bikini I am going to look better in a swimsuit now in my 30′s then i will in my 80′s so just get out there and enjoy it!
loading...
One of the shops I went into had the only mirrors on the outside of the change rooms. No way no how am I walking out of a change room into the main part of the shop with undies sticking out of the bottom and no knowing what I look like. No sale!
loading...
I was about to make the same comment!
I hate hate hate when there is only a mirror outside, forcing you to some out and endure comments from the sales assistant.
loading...
Arghh!! I am only 23 but detest swimsuit shopping!!! I have never worn a bikini. I usually wear a 50s style one piece with more coverage.
loading...
You are spot on Em!
The problem I have is reverse body dysmorphia (not actually diagnosed but I think I’m hot, but the photos say otherwise, lol).
I think I’m a lot thinner than I actually am. I used to be an 8/10 before kids, now a solid size 14.
Then, once a year I hit the shops for some bathers, forgetting how IT NEVER ENDS WELL. Talk about trauma to your psyche!
loading...
Oh Em you speak to me today!! I was walking past Bikini Island with my friend on Sunday and she saw something she loved (my dear friend is beautiful and probably a size 16 at best but after three babies not looking to rock a bikini) and the stick thin seventeen year old shop assistant that you describe walks up to her and loudly proclaims how wonderful her store is because it goes up to DD cup and size 18 swimmers! A wonderful lesson in how to lose a swimsuit sale in under five seconds!!
loading...