Share

 

by MIA FREEDMAN

I own too much underwear. This is the conclusion I reached recently, while spring cleaning my knicker drawer. So I decided the time was right to make some piles:  keep, stash and bin (unlike my usual wardrobe purges, there is obviously no give-away pile when it comes to undies…. enough said).

You can gain many insights with a quick flick through your knickers. Here are some of mine:

1. SEX AND UNDIES ARE TIGHT

(Tight as it closely connected – not literally tight because that would be uncomfortable.)

When men become newly single, they often mark the occasion with a primal ‘get-blind-and-have-meaningless-sex-with-any-chick-who’ll-do-me’ ritual. It’s how they get back in the saddle, so to speak.

Women? We go knicker shopping. Or rather, lingerie shopping (if there’s ever a time your undies get a name upgrade to “lingerie”, it’s when you’re dating). While the female lingerie ritual is inevitably more expensive than blokes’ 24 beers and a post-shag cab ride home, there’s a far lower risk of STDs. Especially if you follow the fitting room signs and keep your own undies on during the trying-on process. In my nostalgic trip down the memory lane of my knicker drawer, I uncovered two matching lacy sets I’d bought when last newly single.

 

For some women, designer lingerie is a sickness on par with the more common designer shoe addiction but I’ve always been more superficial. I prefer to wear my expensive buys on the outside. Spending a fortune on a bra (let alone a g-string!) is not how I roll.

But even for those who love investing in a bra the same way the rest of us invest in a handbag, once you’re actually in a relationship – things change. Oh how they change. I think the amount of cash and thought you put into your underwear is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship. Things always start out promisingly with a tantalising display of saucy, sexy lingerie. By the time you move in together, all bets are off and comfort rules once again.

2. CLEAVAGE & FASHION DON’T ALWAYS MIX

I used to own a number of water bras and push-up bras that seemed like a good idea at the time. I was probably single when I bought them. But wearing them now feels faintly ridiculous. And not just because I’m married. The Pamela Anderson look – breasts thrust up, together and forward – doesn’t really work with fashion at the moment. And it’s true to say that I’d prefer people to notice my clothes (or – gasp! – my words!) than my breasts.

3. I AM NOT A MATCHY GIRL

The few times I have bought fancy-pants pants and bras? Well, I took the bras for a few spins, wore the g-strings once each and and then stuffed the lot at the back of the drawer so I wouldn’t have to admit they were a total waste of money. I’ve never been a matchy girl and I’ve come to accept I never will be. This isn’t because I’m some kind of anti-fashion rebel but more due to laziness and practicality.

The laziness is that I can’t be bothered fossicking through all my knickers to match-make. I’d rather spend the time moderating comments on Mamamia. The practicality part is that finding a well-fitting, good-looking, comfy bra or pair of undies can be difficult. The chances that its lingerie twin will look as good or fit as well are slim-to-none.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. LINGERIE DOESN’T DATE

This is happy news. Some of my favourite bras are six years old. Undies obviously have a much shorter life-span because they’re washed more often. But a good bra keeps on keeping on from both a fashion and function point of view. I still have a white Donna Karan t-bar bra that clasps at the front that I bought in New York nine years ago. And a blue leopard print bra I bought at Gap in LA 12 years ago.

 

5. ONCE-A-MONTH UNDIES ARE ESSENTIAL

We all have them. Speaking to various girlfriends, the common theme with this type of underwear is cotton, coverage and dark colours. I used to keep mine in a separate drawer because they were so functional and un-fun.But then drawer space got tighter and all my undies had to move in together. It’s not a happy defacto arrangement. My monthly undies sit in the corner of my lingerie drawer, black, basic and brooding; an eyesore among the rainbow of my other knickers. They know they are the poor relations and they sulk.

 

6. I WEAR 10% OF MY UNDIES 90% OF THE TIME

It’s the old wardrobe rule that applies to everything: shoes, jewellery, clothes and underwear. You wear 10% of your stash 90% of the time. My drawer may be overflowing with a riot of colours, fabrics and styles but I reach for my favourites again and again. Cotton, bright colours and patterns. I’ve noticed that my g-string collection has gone from high rotation to back of the drawer status as boy-legs , seamless and hipster briefs have leap-frogged them to the top of the charts. I’m finding it hard to recall the g-string years frankly. They seem so uncomfy. Bum coverage is the new black.

Share

Comment Guidelines: Imagine you’re at a dinner party. Different opinions are welcome but keep it respectful or the host will show you the door. We have zero tolerance for any abuse of our writers, our editorial team or other commenters. You can read a more detailed outline of our commenting guidelines HERE.

And if you’re offensive, you’ll be blacklisted and all your comments will go directly to spam. Remember what Fonzie was like? Cool. That’s how we’re going to be – cool. Have fun and thanks for adding to the conversation.

Important note for those wishing to comment anonymously: If you wish to remain anonymous, please simply use 'Anonymous' or 'Guest' as your user name and type in guest@mamamia.com.au as the email.