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Gen Y, I hope your hand is up. According to a Family Planning NSW survey of women aged 16-25, 50 percent of Gen Y women say they’ve sometimes been pressured to give oral sex. And many say that young men ‘expect’ to receive it.
Sexual pressure is a terrible thing, no question. Should be stopped. But did Gen Y guys invent it? Haven’t men of all ages always wanted oral sex?
Other stand-out revelations from the survey:
- Young women were overwhelmingly positive about oral sex – 82 per cent said they found it ”enjoyable and rewarding”.
- The most common reason for having oral sex, according to the survey was: ”It feels good.”
- A quarter of those surveyed saw oral sex as a less intimate alternative to penetrative sex, for which they said ”they weren’t ready”.
- A further 14 per cent considered oral sex safer than other forms of sex, because there was no risk of pregnancy and less risk of picking up a sexually transmitted disease. [WRONG!!!!!!!! You CAN pick up an STI]
According to a report in The Age:
The survey reinforced the findings of the latest national survey of secondary students by La Trobe University’s Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society. In 2008, 57 per cent of students said they’d had oral sex by the time they were in year 12.
But the Family Planning survey indicated that, contrary to popular belief, young women were not getting their information about oral sex from pornography or movies or television. Half of the young women polled (48 per cent) talked about oral sex with their friends, and roughly a third of them (32 per cent) learned about oral sex from magazines.
A 2008 Senate inquiry into the sexualisation of children rejected calls to classify Girlfriend and Dolly as suitable for those 15 and older. ”It’s a big part of why teen magazines exist,” said Girlfriend magazine’s editor Sarah Cornish. ”To answer these questions.”
I’ve never had a problem with teen magazines talking about oral sex. Education and knowledge is everything. Doesn’t mean you’re going to do it, just that you want to gather information about it – especially true for girls who like to know what they’re talking about long before they act. And when I worked at Dolly, I saw many studies confirming that those girls best able to resist peer or partner pressure to be more sexually active are those who know their stuff. So when he whimpers ‘blue balls’, she can knowledgeably reply ‘well, go sort yourself out then, it’s not my job’.
I’m interested in the stats around pressure, though. To re-cap: 50 % of Gen Y women say they’ve sometimes been pressured to give oral sex.
Do you think this is a new thing? Was it different when you were a teenager? Have you ever been pressured into doing something sexually you didn’t want to? What would your advice be to someone who was?
Comments
111 Comments so far
Female and gen X and I never was pressured either into sex or fellation. I don’t like giving oral sex, that doesn’t do a thing for me, and I couldn’t care less about receiving any (I fall asleep)–I prefer penetration and other practices.
I do have grown aware though (I’m in a profession where I get to talk a lot with young people and teenagers about such things) that there is a lot of pressure these days, including peer pressure.
I don’t think it was as bad formerly either. For one thing you simply didn’t get as bombarded with sexual content as you do today, there was no internet and to watch a porn flick you had to go into an icky cinema peopled with wanking males (which as a girl you simply didn’t). The further back in time you go the lesser public mention of sex there is, and after that you get really fast to a period where oral sex was already considered pretty sinful.
So yes, I believe the younger people are the more there is pressure, and that is unacceptable. I’ve talked to many girls who hate what they have to do to satisfy their boyfriends, and to young women who’ve had men dump them like hot potatos on hearing they won’t go down on them.
To me that is the exact opposite of a healthy, natural approach to sex.
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good sait
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I have to admit – i hate oral sex. I can do it if I’m really drunk or on drugs or indulging the boy by watching porn (which i also hate, and can only do if I’m drunk or on drugs) but it does feel degrading and it hurts, it feels horrendous. And don’t even get me started on anal sex which is also apparently the norm (blame porn). I also do blame you Mia ( a bit) because I remember in high school buying the mag with a sealed section about ‘giving head’ as we used to call it in the 90′s and it did kind of make you feel like it is now the mainstream thing to do and if you didn’t want to do it you were some kind of prude. I also hate receiving it. Clitoris is too sensitive, but again women are supposed to love it so you bite your tongue and allow him to ‘pleasure’ you.
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Gawd, who knew?
I have a few friends who are flat out anti-oral because they find it degrading…these girls aren’t prudes or shy, they just stand their ground. (All GenY.)
x
http://www.emmaodettebarnett.com
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I’ve only ever once felt pressured to give head, and that was because I wasn’t read for any kind of sexual experience – too young. Otherwise, I really enjoy giving. I don’t like receiving however. Have found the majority of guys I have been with find giving to a woman to be something of a point of pride.
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Well, I expect it from men… If a man didn’t go down on me the first time we slept together, I’m not sure I’d sleep with him again. Mostly because I’m attracted to men who are giving and enjoy making women feel good and understand how important it is.
And I love giving head. So. If I’m going to do it, he better be pretty enthusiastic about it too.
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lol, funny how, once again, Mia only focusses on women – that women are the only ones that could ever feel pressured to do something they didnt want to – the research only quotes statistics on women etc etc. Yet, were I dating Noelle, I dare say I would feel pressured, with an attitude like hers.
Why oh why cant we have topics like this presented in a non gender fashion. You endless portrayal of women as victims, and only ever presenting disadvantage from a female perspective only reinforces the old 70s feminist stereotypes. Re this topic, I cant see why it would not be the same from either genders perspective. And no, not all men enjoy giving either girls, and that has to be respected as well.
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agree
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Im engaged and very happy, but I do feel pressured in this area. I have felt pressured with some partners, and not with others. My partner has seen his fair share of porn, though since we have been together (3.5 years) there has been very little of that. I sometimes wonder if his history of exposure to that is partly responsible for the attitude that oral sex is just part of all sex – in our case, almost every time (me to him) and almost never (him to me), though largely because I prefer other things. When it comes down to it I guess I dont hate doing it, but Id be just as happy if I never had to again.
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I am 30, and i don’t recall there being pressure at all, i had 1 boyfriend in high school, and thre was no pressure there.
Now that i am am adult, i have to say i love giving and recieving. And i think that is dependant on the person you are with. With my Ex husband it seemed like an ex[pectation and i hated it when he went down on me. Now i am in a great relationship and it is fantastic, i think the guy needs to know what the hell he is doing and mine does.
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I remember this pressure very well at school!
Girls often gave oral sex if they didn’t want to have sex and yes some of the guys expected it. One of my friends wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, her bf knew this but she said everytime they were making out he used to push her head down into his lap (implying he wanted head without actually asking!). Yuk.
Many girls at my school gave oral sex if they didn’t want to have sex with a guy!
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I’m 19 so on the Gen Y cusp and I could safely say many of my friends can relate to the head being pushed down there
it’s sad it’s such a relatable scenario but guys seem to think that a sneaky push in that direction is harmless
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OMG guys pushing a girl down there to give him oral sex?????????
How awful!!!!!!!
I thought women were liberated. Obviously not. No wonder women become lesbians.
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Err… You don’t ‘become’ a lesbian, you are born one…
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sorry to be off topic but 19 is definitely NOT “Gen Y cusp”..you are well and truly a GEN Y’er!!! To be on the “cusp” you need to be at least 10 years older..please dont even TRY and associate yourself with Gen X’ers
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maybe she didn’t mean on the cusp of Gen Y and Gen X, but the cusp of the generation below Gen Y?
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Men have been doing that for years.they were doing it when I was young and I’m sure when my mum was young too.
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why are you calling it oral sex? oral sex is for both sexes!
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I’m gen Y and used to dislike giving oral sex for a couple of reasons; a bad experience and the “what’s in it for women!” spirit but now I love it! I don’t want to come across as oversharing here but hey it’s anonymous! I’m in a loving relationship and from the start told me boyfriend it made me uncomfortable and he completely understood and never expected/expects it but I started to give it and grew to really enjoy it! I enjoy how much pleasure it gives him! I also like recieving it but never expect it and have many girlfriends who don’t like to receive I think girls can become a bit conscious of how they look/smell down there?! Anyway getting to my point I definitely think there is more pressure on gen Y. it’s not because oral sex is anything new but we are growing up in a world with easier access to porn, highly sexualized images in magazines/video clips/billboards, celebrities talking about sex, friends talking about sex! I think it’s good because we are educated and aware but it also makes sharing information about blow jobs etc the norm! Although I obviously don’t know what it was like for older generations maybe it’s the same! But I feel like sex is a lot more “out there” today!
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I’m Gen Y and yes I was pressured into both oral sex and penetrative sex as a teenager. I was first talked into oral sex, then talked into sex and after we ‘did the deed’ he subsequently dumped me. Not a great first sexual experience by any means.
However, I don’t think this is a generational thing at all, I think it’s been going on for a long time. I was recently watching a documentary where older women (I’m talking in their 80s) were talking about life during the 30s and 40s and some of these women mentioned being forced into sexual experiences before they were ready. I’ve spoken to people significantly older and quite a bit younger than me that, like me, were pushed into sexual activity. On the other hand, many people I know of all ages had great early sexual experiences and have never felt pressured in the slightest. I think it depends what kind of people you mix with. There will always be good and bad guys around and the good guys won’t pressure you when you’re not ready and the bad guys will.
If I were to give advice to any young girls reading this I would say: be strong and don’t do anything unless you really feel ready and unless you trust the person. Getting forced into something you’re not ready for and geting used and abused is a horrible feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
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I’m in my fifties. I can’t say that there was any pressure on me or the females of my acquaintance to perform oral sex way back when I first became sexually active. But the pill hadn’t been all that long available and there was HUGE pressure on females to have sex. The pill took away the risk of pregnancy, that risk was one of the things that helped control male’s sexual drive. Once that was gone and women were ‘liberated’ males expected sex from all females that they had any sort of personal relationship with.
In a lot of ways I think that the pill has been a disservice to women, and has helped devalue women, their sexuality and their child bearing. But hey that’s just me so don’t go chucking rocks at me for having that opinion.
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Oral sex grosses me out. Especially the GERMS aspect!!!
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OCD alert!!..you must have intimacy issues..fact: fewer STIs are caught via the oral route..especially concerning HIV, which you are more likely to contract via anal and genital-genital route. Further, a simple wash with soap and water solves the “germ” argument..you’re more likely to “catch” something by licking your own hand! Source: I’m a doctor with qualifications from NSW Family Planning
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you’re a doctor? really? opening with statements like OCD alert? really?
you might like to work on your bedside manner…
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this is an open and candid comment forum, it has nothing to do with professionalism. posted comments have the right to be biased, personal and unsolicited.
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interesting response… wasn’t aware of the criteria for posting comments…. but very insightful though on your attitudes… not sure how self-aware you are, but there’s the feedback nonetheless..
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This is utter nonsense.
Not only can you get practically all common STDs from oral sex (herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and yes, also HIV), there’s a new super-gonorrhea in the same line as MRSA pneumonia which specifically BREEDS in throats!
So inform yourself.
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I was ‘fortunate’ to be pressured into kissing someone when I was very young. I didn’t appreciate it, and have since then been very good at staying NO. Luckily I have since only had boyfriends/partners who, while expressing their needs and wants, have still been very respectful of me.
I would love to see every girl educated and informed about her sexual ‘rights’ and ‘duties’. I have come across a 23-year-old girl, who didn’t realise that you need to wear a condom to protect yourself from STI’s other than AIDS. I see her as an intelligent girl, but one who has never been educated about sex.
I would also like young girls to be better at feeling within themselves whether they really want to perform a sexual act, and then have the guts to say no if that’s how they feel. I fear that pear pressure and insecurities are always going to determine the way for many girls…
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When I was a teenager, I was definitely pressured into a few situations I didn’t want to be in. All of them involved oral sex. I caught an STI from oral sex as a 20 year old. I have kicked myself over and over for not listening to my instincts, which at the time, were screaming “No!” I actually repeatedly said, “No” to the guy at the time, but I was persuaded because of my lack of self-esteem and education. I think this is a serious problem and I applaud magazines like ‘Dolly’ which provide valuable information. My parents certainly didn’t feel comfortable discussing these issues – until I was an adult. By then it was too late!
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I find the current turn in pressure for oral sex worrying in that it is definitely a one-way pressure (for boys, from girls) and that it seems to be expected as a concession – if you’re not going to have sex with him he deserves to be given a blow job, whether you enjoy it or not. It all seems to be about serving male sexuality, which is, like, going backwards in time to pre-feminist views of sex and sexuality.
In high school 25 years ago, girls who gave in to the male desire for a “head job” were looked down upon by both girls and boys. Now, it seems like all girls are second class citizens who are expected to give head to any guy they’ve pashed. What the?
Where is the place for reciprocal pleasure, and mutual respect in this picture of sexual relationships?
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OMG I could not agree more!
I am sick to death of this sexual crap I see everywhere… all about men’s pleasure in the bedroom… (stuff how women feel & what they want or desire)… it pisses me off!!
I see it everywhere…. news articles, magazines… “how to really please him in the bedroom” or “how to give him a blow job he’ll never forget”.
I’m tired of hearing constantly about men and their needs in the bedroom.
How about society talk about women’s desires in the bedrooms for once???
How come no one ever talks about foreplay and a woman’s need for that? How about romance? How about communication and an actual relationship before expecting a bloody blow job!?
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Where?
Please tell?
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Bettina Arndt opening her mouth all the time (in newspapers, on tv, on Mia’s show, on this website, in magazines). She confuses me. She is a woman right?? So how come she’s constantly defending and standing up for men and all their fantasies in the bedroom? Not to mention writing books about these poor deprived men everywhere who just don’t get enough sex from their wives. I don’t get her. She’s an odd one.
Also, all over every magazine cover. Have a look. You’ll see for yourself.
I *never* see magazines with things on the cover like “how to please your girlfriend in the bedroom” or “how to romance your wife” or “foreplay 101 – what women really want” or “treat your wife like a princess” or cherish your girlfriend” or “how to give your wife amazing oral sex” or “how to hit her g-spot”.
But I *constantly* see all over magazines everywhere “please your man in the bedroom”, or “make him scream for more” or “blow his mind tonight.. blowjobs 101″ etc.
This says to me that sex is sooooo much more about men’s pleasure than women’s pleasure. I think that’s unfair. I think it should be equal at the very least.
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maybe you wont find any men’s magazine posting how to spend your wife’s money.
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Come on, do tell, are you a man anonymous??
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I’m Gen-Y and I have found that there is pressure to engage in both oral and penetrative sex. A guy I met at university asked me to have sex with him a week after we had met, and seemed genuinely surprised when I exclaimed “I barely know you”. Having said this I am sure people have felt pressured to have sex long before Gen Y came along.
In regards to rating teen magazine M 15+, I think this is a terrible idea. Teenage girls are naturally going to be curious about sex and I think it is far better that they receive accurate information from magazines, rather than warped, in some cases biased information found on the internet or heard from peers. Sometimes I think being informed makes one less likely to engage in sex: trust me, once I read up on STDs I wasn’t exactly eager to jump into bed with someone. As a young teen I was far too embarrassed to ask my mum about sex and Dolly and Girlfriend provided information that answered all my questions.
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I could not agree more. I’m a 23 year old Gen-Y female and I got a lot of my knowledge of sex from magazines like Dolly and Cosmo when I was younger. If I hadn’t had these resources, I probably would have had a very skewed perception about what is acceptable where sex is concerned. I have felt powerful enough in the knowledge that I have gained to say no when I have been pressured into having sex.
Getting your information from your friends may have the best of intentions but without doing some independent research, you are limiting yourself and can potentially get into trouble. Mia’s blog on emergency contraception was an eye-opener for me. Before I read it, I believed that you could only get it with a prescription.
Get informed. Knowledge really is power.
xx
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Oh Geez, this brings back memories!
As a teenager my friends and I were all quite obsessed with “how to keep a guy” – maybe because we all came from broken homes?
Anyway, it was teen magazines that taught us a lot about oral sex, and then we decided that being good at it was one of the ways to keep that all important man! So we practiced. On coke bottles. We shared tips. We rated each other on skill, style, ability to deep throat and swallow. We had a goal and my goodness we were going to achieve it!
So needless to say, by 15 I was practicing on my real boyfriend. Can’t say he ever complained, and I think I kind of enjoyed the power trip – and yes, it was a great way of avoiding sex.
Thank goodnes we all grew up and got over that “must give great head to keep a man” stupidity, but I’ve got to say the skill has stayed with me, and is usually appreciated.
I sometimes wonder about the girls I shared those teenage years with, and if they still laugh when they see one of those old-fashioned coke bottles
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I had a friend once practice on her cider bottle while reading cosmo – she was tipsy and I was all-too-sober for what was going on.
Every time I drink cider/beer/really any alcohol that comes in a bottle I have to laugh.
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Totally not a fan. But I’ve never had any pressure to give which is lucky (gen X). Even better, my husband is icked out by it so never expects me to do it. Of course the flipside of that coin is that he never does it for me….
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He doesnt like head?! are you serious?
Have not come across one man who doesnt just love it…im in shock.
And he doesnt go down on you? oh my god.
wow.
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It works for us though. I don’t enjoy giving, and receiving freaks me out a little even though it obviously feels good. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything in my relationship.
I’ve never met a guy who doesn’t love it either! He just thinks it’s dirty. I’ve tried to dig around and find the cause of his hangup, but he just doesn’t seem to like it and that’s that. Bizarre.
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I have a friend who will not give head and her husband will not go down on her either. As long as they are happy with that arrangement that’s ok.
As long as they are both not getting any it isn’t too one sided then.
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I was 15. My best girlfriend had been doing it with her boyfriend. My bf and I fumbled around kind of unsuccessfully trying to complete the task. After my turn, he told all his friends that I had hair everywhere down there. I was mortified. But looking back… perhaps his friends didn’t know girls even had hair down there…
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Most girls dont these days
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Sometimes I feel like I must live in a bubble because in my experience (private school, north western suburbs of melbourne) this pressure didn’t exist. Not many girls I knew went further than kissing. I was 19 when I lost my virginity to my current bf, and he was also the first I performed oral for. Never felt pressured. He’s keen to perform oral as well, its a very equal relationship like that. I definitely have to be in the mood to enjoy performing oral, but overall I quite like it. It feels so intimate. Oh and I’m a few months shy of 21 now. So this is all recent and gen Y
I would hate to see Dolly be rated M…so much of my sexual knowledge came from Dolly. School sex ed was almost non existant so Dolly Dr filled that void nicely. I recently got an issue for my sister whose 14 and quite ignorant about sex and puberty and it answered a lot of q’s for her that she wasn’t comfortable asking…so Dolly does good.
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I’m gen y (27 yo). I first found out what a blow job was when I was 16. I thought it was the most disgusting thing on the planet “Ewwww! That’s where pee comes from.”
But yes, now that I’m older I’ve come to find that it’s just expected, not a request..
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The thing that always makes me go hmmmm is… people frequently get coldsores on their mouths right? – so doesn’t oral sex double your chance of being exposed to genital herpes.
Whilst women might insist on condoms to stop the spread of STDs – how many of us are unknowingly exposing ourselves to herpes. You can spread the virus even before coldsores become visible on the face!
With so many casual oral sex encounters amongst the younger generation – I’m curious to know the statistics. Are we seeing corresponding rise in STD figures?
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Haha I was dating this bloke a few years ago. He gave gave me my first and only STD after giving oral before his coldsore symptoms showed up a few days later. Fortunately for me it results in the rather less serious form of Herpes which only has one or maybe two ever minor outbreaks in the nether region. He was mortified when he found out and I forgave him, as we are now married and this was all 9yrs ago.
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There is not statistical rise for herpes…whether you get this virus one way or another, you may not see any symptoms, and when they do strike, it may not necessarily reflect any recent sexual activity, as it can lay dormant for some time until your immunity is down..chlamydia is on the rise however…
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I remember reading one of those Dolly magazines with exactly the ‘blue balls’ scenario – I was shocked at how manipulative some people can be to try and get sex and I have met plenty of them unfortunately – most of my sex education came from Dolly. I agree that it is it really important that girls have access to this information and be taught to be very assertive about what they do and don’t want.
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As a Gen Y I can say that I find the idea of oral sex much more intimate than having penetrative sex. I think because it’s so one-sided you are very exposed giving or receiving oral in a way that you are not when having sex. It’s all about the other person, not that that’s a bad thing, I just think that I need to be more comfortable with a person if I’m going to be that exposed.
RE: Dolly being M, I think that is a bad idea. Very bad idea. Apart from the mechanics in sex ed at school, I think I got all my info about sex from dolly/girlfriend and I did not feel any pressure to actually do any of it, it was just nice to know what exactly things entail and to be informed. I knew a lot about sex before I actually did it from these magazines and I think you are right when you say ” that those girls best able to resist peer or partner pressure to be more sexually active are those who know their stuff.” I knew my stuff but didn’t feel the need to act on any of it until the time was right, and when I did it didn’t seem as big or scary as it could have.
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no-way is this new! I’m 38 and when i was a teenager there was a LOT of pressure on girls to perform oral sex on the guys.
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Ladybug I’m a teeny bit older than you. I don’t think that it’s necessarily a ‘new’ thing – just that the expectations arise from more casual encounters. Whilst we may have been under pressure from boyfriends, I think maybe younger girls are under pressure from male friends or random guys that they hook up with for a night. I’m feeling that there is more oral sex, but fewer ‘relationships’ – do others agree?
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im Gen Y. 22 years old and female. Lost my virginity at 19 to my boyfriend who i am still with today (my second one)….and its definitely rare in my age group that ive only slept with one guy at this age. However ive given oral sex to four different guys, including my current boyfriend, my high school boyfriend who was my first when i was 16 and two guys i hooked up with at uni drunk. so yes i guess its seen as less important and not as big a deal. I hated it at the beginning, thought it was gross and often the guys would be very intense and really force it but now with my current boyfriend i like it, i think because its a loving and safe relationship. Being at uni i can tell you its considered no big deal, however its definitely a bigger a deal for a guy to give it to a girl in comparison to a girl giving to a guy….thats just expected.
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I just want to know where I find the 82%…..
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Just as I thought, you are a male…..
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Different anonymous .
How dare a man ask for oral sex.
WTF
If you want it – Friggin ask for it and if they don’t give it, then find some one who will.
That’s sexual liberation.
What is pressure? Asking for something?
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I’m not going to comment on whether and how much sex education teenagers should receive through Dolly magazine or other avenues however will comment on the quality of the research presented in this article. I’ve seen this article on the SMH site and posted the following comments:
I have worked in the field of survey research for Government for almost 20 years and my training is in mathematics and statistics. I have also worked as a university lecturer in survey research. I have checked the results of the survey from the Family Planning NSW website and can cite several significant problems with the survey and the subsequent interpretation of the results on the SMH website. One of the main problems is the opening statement of this article by SMH….”ORAL sex is now so commonplace among Generation Y women that many say they feel it’s expected of them.” This pretty much implies that the vast majority of this population is undertaking oral sex. If you have a close look at the survey methodology (found at: http://www.fpnsw.org.au/606255_12.html) you will see that the survey called “Oral Sex and Young People Internet Survey” was promoted online through the Dolly magazine. The problem with Internet surveys is they typically attract a very low response rate which can lead to significant biases in the results. The number of respondents to the survey was only 250. I’m sure that Dolly has a wider circulation than 250 and therefore this is a very low response to this survey. According to the ABS there are more than 2.5 million Australians aged between 16 and 25 years -2006 Census. A non-random survey with a very low response is hardly reflective of the other 2.5 million.
Also research has shown that topics that are of a particular interest to people will more likely attract their response. First Dolly only appeals to a certain audience and the title of the survey ie Oral sex etc” will only appeal to a certain group of people.
The La Trobe study (found at: http://www.latrobe.edu.au/arcshs/downloads/arcshs-research-publications/secondary-students-and-sexual-health-2008.pdf) although random, has a low response rate of approximately 25%. The study cited a number of limitations including that parents may have refused their child’s participation in the survey based on cultural or religious reasons. This would have biased these results
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Good on you Kathy for this comment. I studied/used a lot of statistics as part of my PhD and it is scary how people are so taken in by a study quoting statistics, when it’s very very hard to design and implement a study that truly gathers realistic information. Having said that, it’s clear from the anecdotal comments left here that there is often pressure for women to perform oral sex, however we need to be careful about getting all hung up on the stats.
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I hate giving oral sex, I find it uncomfortable and I don’t get off on it. I do it occasionally because my partner likes it. Before I was with him I did often feel pressured into it – I guess I still feel pressured but when you’re actually in a loving relationship I don’t mind the pressure, because I’m sure there’s things I sometimes pressure him into as well. It’s a bit more like give and take.
I’m not mad about receiving it either but I love actual sex. Each to their own I guess
Oh yeah, and I’m Gen Y.
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Given that humans have had mouths and tongues and genitalia for a million years or so (you get the idea – apologies to the Christian fundamentalists) I’m tipping it’s been going on well before Gen Y came along
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I’m a gen Y and I’ve never felt pressure from peers or boyfriends to do or be anything, I know that is partly due to upbringing and partly due to my assertive nature.
I personally believe oral sex is just as intimate as intercourse and I do enjoy giving and receiving. I find it really sad that people are being pressured to do anything; to consume, to conform I don’t get why this is the case!?
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I’m not sure what’s wrong with expecting oral sex to be a part of your sexual life. I and all my girlfriends certainly expect that. None of us would keep dating a man who wouldn’t go down on us. The only thing that bothers me about this article is it seems many other women don’t expect it.
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I don’t expect it because it just doesn’t do it for me. Couldn’t care less if I never received it again. Why does that bother you?
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I’m a Gen Y-er and I think it goes both ways! Men are expected to give just as much as women.
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I never hear of men giving oral sex to their girlfriends.
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Really? I think it’s pretty much expected now, too. Just not nearly as much as the other way around. My boyfriend is definitely down to give me oral sex and really enjoys doing it, but it squicks me out a bit, and then there’s also the added pressure (all self-inflicted pressure, he’s a really cool guy) of feeling like I need to repay him.
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My husband has been giving me oral ever since we started being intimate with each other (I was 17). For the most part, he suggests it; and he really loves doing it to me. I give him oral as well, and personally we just love how much pleasure it gives the other. If he thinks I’m about to give him oral and I’m not really interested in doing it, he stops me. I do the same for him. I have been pressured in the past, personally, though. The worst was by a co-worker at a new job. But he wasn’t even any one I actually had a relationship with. So I would say it depends on the people.
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I definately think there is increased pressure on Gen Y to perform oral sex. Oral sex is like kissing now – what exactly are the girls getting out of this though?!
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Um oral sex?
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What is the definition of ‘pressured’ though? If its just being asked to give oral sex then I think almost everyone could respond yes. Also, who is the pressure coming from, the person who wants it, friends or yourself?
I remember heaps of articles in Dolly and Girlfriend being about sex and oral sex. It never made me feel as though I should be doing it. I agree that knowledge is power. The best message that magazines can send is that you should never do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.
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My hubby reglularly tries to pressure me to give oral sex. I usually respond ‘roght after you!’ Funnily enough it rarely occurs…
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Good idea.
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Dolly Doctor, Dolly Magazine, Girlfriend Magazine and Dr. Feelgood (on the radio) were the “go-to” sources for info when I was at high school in the early 90′s. Having that knowlege made me less scared of the unknown and more in control. Not that the first time giving it wasn’t scary, but at least I knew kinda what to do & expect. I had no “sex talk” from my absent mum nor from my father (thank God!) so these were my best sources of info. Also, those mags taught me about being comfortable saying ‘No’ and that the guy wouldn’t die from blue balls! Don’t make Dolly and the like 15+! young girls need info way before then!
Thank you Dolly & Girlfriend!
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M15+ for Dolly? Noooooo!!!!!! 100% agree that the best way to empower young women is to educate them. I learnt (nearly) everything I know from my Dolly and Cleo addiction as a teen (thanks Lisa and Mia!).
I’ve never understood the concept of oral sex being somehow less than sex. That weird concept of “bases” that Americans use also has oral sex a step below intercourse. I suppose you can’t get pregnant, which may have been the reason behind the American campaign to teach “everything but” in schools… but you can still catch STIs.
I’ve certainly been pressured into giving oral sex by “boyfriends”, but then I’ve been pressured to many things I wasn’t copmfortable with over the years. Young and stupid I often conceded, never to my, or the relationship’s, betterment
What’s my advice? Read Dolly! And listen when you’re told you’re better thn that!
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No person should do anything they don’t want to do.
Of course the logical extension of such a premise would be that no one will ever selflessly do favors for any one else ever again.
But, what we are really talking about here is that sex should be placed a value above all other forms of physical and non physical favors aren’t we?
Pretty arbitrary really.
It’s interesting to note which “gender” performs more oral sex whilst married.
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How is this article male bashing? I feel thats a bit unfair. I interpreted Mia’s article to be more about younger women feeling pressured by dates/boyfriends to do certain sexual acts, not about a married couple.
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Often Mia’s article formula is:
Man = bad, perpetrator, pressurizer, aggressor
Woman = good, victim, pressured, defenseless
“So when he whimpers ‘blue balls” is typical of poor listless boy stereotypes, but such stereotypes are fine when they are of males.
I’d love to see Mia write about stereotypes of females, but I know she wont, because male bashing is en vogue and it sells.
The whole article bases itself around the notion that men want oral sex and females are pressured into it.
Of course it is completely in the absence of everything a boy/man might be pressured into. But of course the argument will be it’s a particular subject and not about the broader parameters. But when you choose time and time again too focus on one gender and a singular parameter, well, it’s sexist.
The staff writers mix it up, but most of Mia’s posts are the same men = bad – women = victim formula.
If it was blacks or Jews = Bad White = good, you can bet your ass it would be shot down so friggin fast.
Why do we accept it?
Why shouldn’t I be sensitive when I’m told every other minute to be PC and sensitive to everybody else?
A New Zealand CEO was sacked for stating that women take more breaks, but you can not dare say such things, though you can accuse men of pressuring women into oral sex?
Whether it is true or not it is a gender generalization which is either okay or not…..EVERY TIME, not sometimes or at one’s whim.
That’s equality without prejudice!
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Wow. Really? I think you’ve projected a huge amount of ‘stuff’ onto me and this post that has nothing to do with me or what I wrote here or anywhere else.
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I could go through many of your back articles and “prove” that I’m not projecting.
When you write about men, it’s often in the negative and frankly I didn’t write the “So when he whimpers ‘blue balls” line, you did.
I think it’s a reasonable line to draw – That gender generalizations are either okay all of the time or none of the time.
Thank you for not deleting my above dissenting posts, i’ll certainly state that I respect the fact that you allow disagreeing viewpoints.
You’ll find I don’t at all disagree with the premise that pressure is wrong, but I do not accept it is the only pressure in the absence of others.
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You might like to get your facts straight FHB re the NZ CEO. He was the head of the Employers and Manufacturers Union and in an interview about why women in NZ are paid on average 70% of what men are paid he stated that it’s because women have monthly sick days and that women have children so need to stay home with them when they’re sick. Surely you can acknowledge that’s repugnant and completely inappropriate for someone in his position? And although he lost his job, it was only after there was public uproar for well over a week, and he was given a very handsome payout.
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Inappropriate – It’s friggin true!
Yet again an example that we or more to the point YOU can say anything about men, absolutely anything and it can be a gross generalization based on personal opinion and the crowd all agree and the echo chamber fills with back pats.
But women DO take MORE sick days than men.
It’s comprehensively proven, by the same people complaining that women HAVE to take the days off to spend with the kids.
It’s the biggest hypocrisy ever.
On one hand the Feminists complain that women have to take sick days off to look after kids on the other hand when a man says this is true and a cause of why they possibly do not advance ahead of more experienced workers – He is burned at the stake.
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Well correct me if I’m wrong, but I was of the opinion that both women AND men have children. My husband is of that understanding too. So if women are the ones always having the sick days when the kids are sick doesn’t that speak loud and clear about the division of labour in the household (and if it’s a widespread phenomenon – as you claim – about society’s expectations of mothers as opposed to fathers)? My husband and I will alternate who stays home with a sick child, depending on who most needs to be at work that day. Surely that is the fair way of doing it?
And I’ve never had a “monthly sick day”, nor have many other women that I know. The only women I know who have days off for menstruation related reasons have genuine medical conditions eg endemetriosis that make time off at certain times necessary. I don’t see how that could be begrudged. I certainly wouldn’t begrudge a man any sick days he had off for genuine issues with his reproductive system!
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Uhm, Women and only women decide if the child is born. Women and only women can breast feed.
That’s just how it is. Nothing sexist about that NZ’er.
Because of these startling revelations, it means until the end of time women who want to have kids will have them if able and they will take time to do so and it will be their CHOICE.
It will consequently mean there will be men learning skills and gaining knowledge whilst these women are away.
This will happen until the end of time and there is nothing you nor I can do about it and it is NOT sexist.
However….
Women do frequently receive custody in court battles and the reason they are carers is because they CHOSE to be.
You want to talk about choices, well, most times and I mean almost every single time a women gets pregnant she is often given the choice to stay home NOT the dad. That is if she wants to and they can afford it.
Very rarely do women get pregnant with the mindset of getting to work and having the man look after baby, so don’t even try and give me this ridiculous shtick that women looking after kids is some god damn form of oppression when it is largely brought about by the choice that only, repeat only the FEMALE can make and at any time she can ask her husband if he wants to stay home with the child and she can “have the lucky luxury” of working.
If he disagrees she could abort ANYTIME.
But we all know that women who want to work whilst daddy stays home are rarer than the hope diamond.
Not to mention that the level of disrespect afforded to men “from women” is so impacting when they try and be a stay home dad – They are often judged as a lessor man and forget about the other men judging them – I’m talking about all the women. The one’s that look at them funny at play group, or wouldn’t trust them alone with their own kids but would a female.
I know – Been there done that and heard from every sahd the same thing.
So society expect mothers to take care of those things, but remember half of society expecting that are WOMEN and most of those women who stay home CHOOSE to.
What you really want is the power to make all the decisions but only have a portion of the responsibility
Give me a break.
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So you’ve surveyed every single ever married couple and asked whose the giver and receiver most often?
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Funnily enough I haven’t, but I was reading an interesting piece which included a survey which said men in marriages gave oral sex more often.
If I can find it online I will link it for you.
Until then feel free to disbelieve.
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“What I don’t get is why anyone who loves someone wouldn’t feel comfortable going out of their way to do something for them. Or not”
Probably coz most 16-25 year old women aren’t in a relationship with someone they love, or they are not sure that they love that someone and so are not sure if they really wanna perform oral sex on them. Either way, whether your male or female you shouldn’t be pressured to do something you don’t want to do.
And if you’re referring to men performing most of the oral sex whilst married, well again, the statistic specifically relates to 16-25 year old women, most of whom aren’t married. What would be interesting to see is what percentage of 16-25 year old men reciprocate the oral sex they’ve been given and if they themselves have been pressured to perform oral sex.
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Nobody has to have sex with someone they don’t love or are not in a relationship with. When someone asks you to, and you say no if they don’t respect such a notion, then game over, see you later.
I think we’d both agree with that.
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I agree it’s always fellatio (for the boys) and never cunnilingus (for the girls) in these things but never made explicit. The term “oral sex” applies to boast. I’m gen x and a woman and I recall that there was always pressure in the 90s to both give and receive. I remember being petrified that I wouldn’t know what to do and about the taste (both of my partner and myself!!) I was also reading Dolly from about the age of 9 or 10 and was over it by age 12. Dolly doctor was always the most popular bit.
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I’m Gen Y. I was pressured into giving oral sex when I was a few years younger but in the end it was my choice and I admit I made the wrong decisions. I thought it would make guys like me more. My advice to girls younger than me would be to have fun but only if they want to and don’t do it just because the guy you like wants it and it’ll please him. You’ll lose respect for yourself and he’ll definitely have no respect for you, because he’ll have gotten what he wanted and move on.
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I personally love giving oral sex. It’s a power thing, I think people think the man feels its a power thing…but I definitely feel in control and the one with power. This sounds like the trashiest thing – but Ive been told by many that I’m quite good at it (good thing? ha.)
I know a lot of my friends who too enjoy giving oral sex…none of them feel ‘pressured’ from our little gossips; mind you Im surrounded by a bunch of wonderful., strong, confident women who wont do something if they dont want to.
Woot
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I love giving oral sex too, much more than receiving it….weird i know
But it is definitely a power thing! you have the guy by the balls (pun intended) and there is no way he has ANY power at that time
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Totally with you Jen, it’s such a great thing to do and do well
Having a man who is also talented is an awesome bonus too!
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As a Gen Xer I don’t think it’s changed much from back in the day. There was pressure back then, be it oral sex or missionary. God, even now hilarious husband (well he thinks he’s hilarious) of 18 yrs says the classic “while you’re down there”. Who says romance is dead?
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All these postings about sex, are a bit hard to swallow………
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Welcome back fender, we’ve missed you!
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Thanks, Nicky ! Mwah………;-)
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I’m gen x and I feel that oral sex has always been expected by both sides from my experience.
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I’m quite keen on heading south of the border both as a recipient and giver. But Mia are you really saying you can see no connection between magazines like Dolly giving blowjob tips to pre pubesent girls and the fact they feel it’s expected of them? It may be hard to believe but 40 years or so ago this was an extremely specialised sexual act rarely enountered outside porn films and brothels – then not only would it not have been expected of young girls, it would not have been expected of sexually experienced women. It’s now an accepted part of sexual culture and on balance a good thing but I find your defensiveness about Dolly a bit hard to swallow (as it were)..
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“”but 40 years or so ago this was an extremely specialised sexual act rarely enountered outside porn films and brothels”"
Were there even porn films that available 40 years ago??? I can’t say that I remember any being around but I was in the bush.
I think that oral sex has probably always been around but the males that I knew considered it foreplay and just wanted to get to the main event.
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I’m a gen. X. As a teenager I gave oral sex in order to squirm my way out of intercourse as I wasn’t ready. The thing is that oral sex really IS as intimate as intercourse and maybe even more demoralising when feeling pressured into doing it as there is absolutely NO benefit to you (all give and no take).
I’ll be hitting home to my daughter that sex and relationships are about doing what feels good to YOU – ALWAYS. I will also ensure she knows that there is also the option to experiment sexually with herself by herself.
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Cos I totally agree with everything you’ve said here, especially that oral sex can be demoralizing when pressured into it.
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I wonder if a similar poll was ran 10, 20 years ago how many women felt pressured to have sex?
Enough with the Gen Y Blaming
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