Meshel Laurie
by MESHEL LAURIE
It seems like a million years since I lived through the misery of sexism in the workplace, but I still struggle mightily with the way I handled it.
Did I deal with it with dignity, or was I a coward who left a big pile of crap for the next woman to deal with.
It’s hard to believe that Chrissie Swan, so smart, so funny, so confident could have been bullied by anyone, ever, but that’s the take home message from her most recent column for me. She detailed her submission to sexism earlier in her career and it reminded me of the fact that it happens to all sorts of women, every day, who say nothing and soldier on because they are still so scared that they will be labeled the troublemakers if they complain.
Chrissie is a woman I always think of as so much stronger than me. I’ve asked for and received great advice from her on more than one thorny issue, and yet she was unable to care for herself in the face of a sexist work environment. That revelation made me so sad for all the other great women living through it right now.
When you’re in the middle of it, you feel like a “stronger” woman would stand up for herself and your failure to do so is just another blow to your battered self-esteem. At least, that’s how I felt when I wasn’t speaking up.
I thought I’d be outcast in the workplace, I thought my day-to-day life would become a nightmare, and I thought ultimately I might lose my job, my career, everything I’d worked so hard to build, so I concentrated on coping. I spent all my money on holidays, took my anti-depressants and dreamed of a better future while accepting that there was nothing I could do about the conditions I faced every day at work.
Oh sure, I made tentative steps toward complaining, but I was put back in my place pretty quick. Told I’d “never get along with everyone I worked with,” leaving me in no doubt that the porn in the office, constant hard-core sex talk and bursts of verbal abuse were my problems to deal with. “Just part of life,” I was told, breezily by a man in a nice suit, in another state.
A friend once told me, “When you hate someone, you are their prisoner.” I was hating all day long, a physical and emotional wreck because of it.
The troubling part is that I’m not sure I wouldn’t have ended up the loser if I’d really raised a racket back then. I wish I could encourage other women with a great ending to my story about my successful rise to the top and the perpetrators’ miserable sink to the bottom, about some kind of justice, but I’m afraid I can’t because that’s not what happened. I can only assume the environment I gingerly complained about all those years ago remains as vile a misogynist paradise as ever it was. So how can I possibly comfort or encourage anyone living through a similar situation today?
Chrissie Swan
Well, I can tell them what I wish I’d done differently. I wish I’d found a good counselor instead of taking the medication, I wish I’d talked to women higher up in the company instead of yelling at my husband about things that weren’t his fault, and I wish I’d recognized my power and escaped a lot earlier than I did. Easier said than done though, considering I was spending nights agonizing over the very core of my personality, wondering how I’d gotten this far in life as such a horrible, boring, ugly person. I wish I’d phoned a friend.
As Chrissie said in her column, “sexism preys on the insecure,” and it compounds insecurity too, which makes it very difficult to see reality. Seeing reality is really what self-esteem is all about – the reality that I am a human being who deserves to feel respected and equal to all others in every situation regardless of my gender, age, race, sexuality, appearance or beliefs. It took me a very long time and a lot of reading and meditation to come to that conclusion, and then, rightly or wrongly, I stopped complaining and just zenned it out, let it wash over me until I was able to make my escape.
So there was no justice, I didn’t affect any great cultural shift anywhere outside of my own self and I didn’t pave the way for other women, but I survived and now I live a happy life surrounded by people I love. I don’t know if I handled the situation heroically, but I do know I’m no one’s prisoner anymore.
Meshel Laurie is a comedian and broadcaster. You can catch up with her on Nova’s Drive Show with Tim Blackwell and Marty Sheargold 4-6pm on weekdays. You can also follow Meshel on Twitter here.
Have you ever been a victim of sexism or bullying in the workplace? How did you deal?
Comments
25 Comments so far
I live in Brisbane and wholeheartedly understand where you’re coming from Meshel! I cannot and will not listen to that particular radio show anymore. You were the only reason I listened to it in the first place. The banter that continues is insulting and chauvinistic and is aimed at bogans and footballers. The current crew you have are hilarious and obviously value you and your opinions and good on you for getting out when you did. I have met you on one occasion when you were doing a charity event at the kids hospital in Brissy and I told you how inspiring you were to me. You are my ‘shero’! You are my Chrissy Swan. Keep posting for mamma Mia !
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Meshell I love your work. I love your way of saying what you need to say in a way that doesn’t attack or cut anyone down. You are also hilariously funny, lots of the time, which is good, but my favourite thing about you is your gentleness, and the way you also be gentle with yourself.
Thanks for being one of the good ones.
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Hey! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!
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I have seen so many sexist things happen in my workplace over the years, and most of my friends at other firms have similar stories.
It ranges from a male partner known to just look at female employees’ breasts, to females being paid less than men in the same roles (with no discernable difference in performance) and being actively blocked from promotion due to perceptions that they might want to have children one day.
It is rare for anyone to complain. There is a real fear that you will be shunned in the firm, and more generally the industry, if you say anything.
So often complaints about sexist behaviour get dismissed as an overreaction from an irrational female who can’t take a joke. I don’t think that things will really change until there are more men around who will stand up to other men who are behaving inappropriately. A man telling another man that he is out of line has way more effect than a woman saying the same thing.
I once had my boss make a very sexist remark about me in front of a large group of clients. I felt humiliated, even though I knew he hadn’t meant any harm by it – I had worked with him long enough to know that he actually was a great supporter of mine, but had a very non-pc sense of humour.
The next day he came into my office and apologised profusely. Apparently he went out drinking with those (male) clients after the function, and they all told him he had been totally out of line and said that he should consider himself lucky that I was still working for him after that comment. It was only then that he realised just how bad what he said was.
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Any bullying, sexist or otherwise, preys on ostracizing someone. We can fight that by supporting each other. There are good guys out there, and they have a responsibility along with women to stand against sexist behaviour. It could just as easily be your daughter, sister, friend or mum you are protecting.
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My last corporate role was in a male dominated industry but 80% of the drama in our company came from women – some in very high positions , others lower down but a majority of their victims were other women.
I absolutely loved working with the men. Some of the women, particularly those higher up in the chain… Fuck me!
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I am constantly devastated by the number of women who come and see me and have these exact same problems – not just sexism, but workplace bullying in general. And they feel so powerless to do anything – its heart breaking. These women are well educated and have had long careers, and yet the lack of support from higher ups means they often feel like they can’t say anything. At the end of the day we all need money, yes – but is it worth your mental health? I generally boil it down to two choices – take a stand (and by no means am I saying everyone can/should) or actively look for other work and leave as soon as possible. You do not need to stay in one job your entire life – get out while you can.
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Working in corporate land there has been a lot of emphasis on training and education about sexual harassment and bullying. I have seen a lot of changes in the past 10 years – the new political correctness prevails. However, in a male dominated industry, the boys club lives on strong. Men trust other men, because they call each other nicknames talk about football and look after each other in terms of promotion and cushy job roles. They only pretend to relate to women cause they don’t trust them. Ohh unless you enter into a relationship with one and you secure your ticket to corporate success…..
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Surely a link to the column by Chrissie would be more useful than a link to how to ‘shop her style’?
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I used to love the breakfast show you did in Brisbane, which is what I assume you’re referring to. I was excited when the original team was coming back, though I didn’t care for the woman replacing you. It didn’t work out with her and frankly I don’t think that was based on her gender (not that you implied that) but rather a series of rather offensive things she said…some about women.
Sadly, I now hear elements of what you mean on that show which is now hosted by only men. The talk is about strippers, strip clubs, drinking, sport, how many women they date consecutively and there just a general vibe that women are less than. Whether it is consciously done or not, I’m unsure.
I must say though that the show you currently work on is not without sexism. Both the men you work with talk over you constantly. The way they speak about women, namely a certain Kardashian sister, is truly unpleasant to listen to and not in the least bit funny.
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Allison, I’m with you. I can’t listen to Nova’s Brisbane breakfast show anymore – it’s like eavesdropping at a buck’s night. I’m over at Robin Bailey’s show now. But she cops it too in the two men / one woman lineup. When, I wonder will a commercial breakfast show do something really daring and flip the balance I wonder?
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Kate, in all honesty I was interested to see how an all male lineup would go. My previous enjoyment of their work gave me high hopes, but I’ve been disappointed. I don’t listen to commercial radio much anymore. Now I listen to awesome podcasts called ‘The Minutes’ & ‘You’re Welcome’, made by Mel Buttle and Patience Hodgson (both Brisbane ladies). It’s like a breath of fresh air.
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I agree with this comment whole-heartedly! Interestingly the Brisbane Nova breakfast show was my first thought when reading this article too. Meshel was the main reason I used to listen to Nova in the mornings and the current line-up with their ‘sexist’ undertones is the main reason I no longer listen. The fact that it’s three men wouldn’t concern me if they weren’t so offensive.
I understand your comment about Meshel’s current on-air team, but I feel that the way they speak about women is entirely different. While they do joke about the opposite sex (so does Meshel) their comments don’t have an under current of nastiness and they praise women as mush as they nitpick (as they do with men also).
Meshel, all-in-all I think we should celebrate the women who simply ‘survive to tell the tale’ just as much as we celebrate those who go in to battle to effect change. Good on you!
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Yesterday morning, when I was at work (at the liquor department of a major supermarket chain) two men who I would only describe as ‘bogan’ in their late 20s came in. They were staring at my chest and saying inappropriate and demeaning things about me, deliberately loud enough so I could hear, in a clear attempt to make me uncomfortable. Then there was a rollcage full of stock in the way of the shelf that there were looking at, and they started trying to push it and I offered to move it. They found that absolutely hilarious (I can only assume because I am a woman and I offered to move something heavy). I first thought that perhaps they were going to try and steal something, and so they wanted me to feel too unsafe to try and stop them. Then I thought that maybe they were drunk and wanted me to feel too uncomfortable to refuse service. It seemed unlikely, being 10AM on a Sunday in a pretty affluent area full of old people. Anyway they continued asking inappropriate questions while I processed their transaction and then at the end of it they tried to give me a $10 note. This is what I can’t work out – was it a bribe to not call security? Was it payment for they way they were acting towards me? Anyway I refused to take it.
It was really a very tame version of the shit we regularly put up with from young male customers. I have had a lot worse. I have been followed before by customers. Asked for ’10 minutes outside with them’. Had a guy touch himself in front of me after telling me that I’m beautiful. But for some reason this upset me way more. I couldn’t let it go for the rest of the day. I can only guess that the reason it got to me so much is because now two years into uni, I would say that I am more feminist than ever and more aware of why this stuff isn’t acceptable.
Anyway it pisses me off. And complaining to management about it, or even reporting it, does nothing because my particular store is a massive bloke’s club. One of my male co-workers, who I actually don’t think is that much of a bad person but is just a little dim and uneducated, told me a story about how a manager called him into the back office to show him the CCTV footage of the store which showed a girl in my department bending over to refill a shelf. Anyway my ‘friend’ who told me this thought it was the FUNNIEST THING EVER and could not for the life of him understand why this is a problem and not okay. Sexism is really inherent in this company and if you say anything, as Meshel pointed out, you just become another woman who nags and complains.
Great article Meshel. You and Chrissie both have had some pretty shit experiences over the years. It’s a shame that I’m only 20 and can already identify with them.
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I used to work at a supermarket myself and was shocked by the sexist comments I got sometimes. But they were always from older men. I’d be cleaning a spill on the floor and a male customer would say ‘it’s good to see a woman where she belongs’. My workplace was fine in regards to sexism but what strikes me about what you’re saying is that sexism and misogyny is still really present among people our age (20s). Men our age can say and do some vile, horrible, sexist things. And you’ve got to wonder – what is going to happen to women in the future? Will sexism ever go away? And why aren’t parents teaching their children to have more respect for women?
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Yeah that’s what worries me, too. The guy I talked about, let’s call him ‘Ron’,is a pretty nice guy, but he’s just too dim to sorta think for himself and question things like that. He isn’t that educated. But he picks up these attitudes from these other 3 guys that work there. And THESE three are educated, and all go to really reputable universities. I don’t get why they don’t know better!
And that comment about floor cleaning is really shocking.
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Plenty of the world’s most successful people left school before their 16th birthday.
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I went through terrible bullying in the workplace (i work in health)- i was bullied by my admin who verbally abused me, continually talked negatively about me to my colleagues, turned up to work late and just surfed the net all day. As it turned out she had bullied people all her career – targeted females that she felt were a threat to her or she perceived to be very competent and therefore wanted to tear down. She fooled my boss into thinking she was the victim. This happened over 8 months and started 2 weeks into her joining our team. No one was able to help me although many staff recognized what was going on. I eventually told my boss that i was going to have to resign and his response was to say “As long as one of you goes”. I had been in the job for 6 years at the time and i was devastated by the lack of support. I ended up taking stress leave. Eventually someone in our HR department took her on and tried to have her removed but she then went to the union and also said she had a back injury which delayed the process. Her undoing was making threats in emails to another colleague which were found, things like “i’m going to destroy this person”. Despite this and despite the fact that instant dismissal is the policy for misusing email, she still managed to get a job in another division of our organisation and repeated the exact same behavior and bullied another young female. To this day she still works in the organisation. She has held over 20 positions in our organisation and exhibited the same behavior in each job, doesn’t stay any longer than 8 months. Clearly she has a mental health issue but what is astounding is that we couldn’t do a thing about it without me having to go through months of heartache and stress. Although she is banned from certain divisions she still managed to secure a job in our institution!
It lead to a complete mistrust in my colleagues and disappointment but with counselling i managed to regain the trust and enjoy my job again. We have a long way to go with bullying policies.
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Smash I experienced something incredibly similar – and was told it was just a “personality clash” and nothing was done. Eventually, after 6 months of misery, she got bored with me and moved on to another team member….then another….then another, until she had systematically targeted everyone in the office. Despite 3 team members and myself all lodging official complaints and then stating our reason for leaving the company was because of her and because nothing had been done about it (at one point we finally convinced HR to interview the whole team, who all said the same thing about what was happening, then proceeded to do absolutely nothing) she is still there. It’s a shame – I really did enjoy that role and I was really good at it to boot, but not worth the misery. I got to the point where I was missing at least one day every week because I just couldn’t bear the thought of facing her and enduring it (where before she arrived I averaged about 20 hours overtime a week!). I don’t think a lot of companies realise the severe impact on mental health and work performance bullying can have, and need to take it a bit more seriously rather than dismissing or ignoring it.
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I too was involved in workplace harrassment -After many years I progressed to a higher position in my industry! At one point I was the only women in my job in all of NSW and of only a handful in the country. I learned to ‘just deal with it’ then I learned that my skills were as good as any other bloke which gave me the confidence to say to those harassers just get on with your job = let me do mine and lets just get over it! and soon enough those blokes realised i WAS good enough. Keeping it low key and jumping on it as soon as the harrassment happened. Not a solution for everyone – just saying it worked for me I guess the situation was changed slightly because a well meaning industry policy was to employ more women – to close the gender gap hence employing women that were unsuited to the job without the necessary skills just for the sake of employing more women. I think this made it difficult because many of the women that came before me just whinged about how physically demanding the job was, and just made life difficult by being a princesses! It was hard to convince bosses/colleagues that I genuinely wanted the job/s and was skilled in it. There were so many that wouldnt employ me for fear they would end up in a legal battle.
This is in no way excusing the behaivour of some of the sexist/harrassing individuals who did make life difficult but just saying in my experience the majority of men that I worked with respected me for the position I held and the skills and competence I had. After i told them to ‘get on with it’ I can only hope that others can find the confidence to say that they wont tolerate it, and can get on with being the best they can be!
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Bravo Meshel (and Chrissie). By speaking up like this, you are helping other women by letting them know they’re not alone.
xxxxxx
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I have to agree Bec. I don’t take any rubbish from anyone now, and if they try to make me embarassed by saying ‘I was only joking’ I usually tell them that is a poor excuse for humour, are you going to make a racist joke next? It has not made me the most popular person at work, but it means when I go home, I leave my work at work, not bring it home with me.
Love you ladies!
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Not in the workplace but I do experience sexism from our society on a daily basis for example, having to walk pass strip clubs and have men make inappropriate comments, driving home from work and seeing billboards advertising strip clubs, walking into a 7 Eleven/ Service station and being confronted with a stash of magazines displaying naked women and when I say something being told I’m jealous, I’m overreacting, I’m a stupid feminist, I’m ugly, look away if you don’t like it etc etc. Isn’t this a form of sexual harassment too?
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I agree BUT it is women who are making the strip clubs and porn magazines possible! The prostitute who writes articles here is usually praised for being a strong business woman in charge of her sexuality. So, while I agree that it’s a repugnant industry with few redeemable qualities (sex workers for the disabled) it isn’t really sexism. IMHO.
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I’m so sorry this happened. How awful. Thank you for sharing. Very inspirational, I’m feeling braver for reading it.
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