The word ‘bully’ is such a buzzword these days and this is a good thing. Awareness about what is bullying behaviour is high among both kids and parents, Well, some parents….
‘Concerned Friend’ writes
I have a question for group therapy that I think other people may be able to relate to and hopefully offer some wonderful advice to me on.
One of my closest girlfriends, who has children similar in age to mine, has a child who is a bully. Everytime we all get together, whether its for a Birthday, a BBQ or just a swim in the holidays, there is always a child or children who are in tears or hurt or someones property is damaged because of what he says or does.
When the kids point him out as the cause of the problem his parents always defend him. They must have provoked it, he wouldnt do that, I’m sure he was only defending himself etc etc. Basically he never has to face any consequences. Even when its witnessed by adults they deny he could be responsible or the other kids must have put him up to it. I know its not isolated to social occasions because he is often in trouble at school. She always complains to me that his teacher has it in for him. Every year.
First of all, I want to say that I am not one of those mothers who thinks their own children are perfect, because I know mine are far from that ! When my kids are naughty they are in trouble and have to admit to what they have done wrong. Anyway, it’s a big concern because we are starting to avoid them because of this and she is starting to ask why. We have spent these last school holidays practically hiding from them because my kids and I just dont need the stress.
Other friends in our group are doing the same thing. I dont want it to kill our friendship. I also worry for the child because I love his mum and something must be making him so angry. If it was addressed he would be a happier person. But what can I do ? Can I say anything ? Any advice please ?
I found this clip that canvassed this exact issue somewhat….
Comments
58 Comments so far
Hahaha … the parents clearly are in denial, forget about them … I came across this when my daughter was really young … I just waited for an opportunity to get the bully child alone and scared the crap out of him with a veiled threat & a guarantee that if he told his parents I would deny it and they would believe me – sometimes bullies need to be bullied (privately) …. NOT PC, highly risky, but it worked – and honestly it was very satisfying.
loading...
I think honesty is best – she cannot help her son learn right from wrong if she doesn’t realise he is behaving in an unacceptable way. I have a rough 4 year old and its hard sometimes but I try to always watch him where ever we are. I can see what triggers his rough play – usually over stimulation and sometimes its a misunderstanding with games or other kids and I have to steer him back into the good boy. Teaching him to use words instead of actions is our motto.
loading...
Honest is the best policy here. Even if it kills the friendship isn’t dying already because of avoidance? Don’t be harsh or mean but calm and honest. Maybe get another friend to go wingman for you so you have back up. Thin of it more like a very gentle intervention.
loading...
As boring as this sounds being honest with your friend is, in my opinion, the best way to go. I think you have to be upfront and tell your friend basically what you have told us in your post. Tell her that you do not want to lose your friendship with her and explain to her that is why you need her to hear you out about her son. Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. If I were your friend, I would want to know what you are feeling. Otherwise how will your friend fully understand why everyone is isolating themselves from her….it’s a tough one.
loading...
She appears to be in denial. It’s not just you who think her kid’s a shocker.
In my opinion you need to be straight with her…not cruel, just honest. Think about how you’d feel if it were your child and no-one told you what a terror they were.
loading...
Tough one. It sounds like the book, The Slap. I don’t think you can discipline someone else’s child in this day and age. You’d get nailed to the wall.
I would probably look at putting pressure on the parents. Have a word to them as a group. If that doesn’t work, start to exclude them if they bring their child around. I wouldn’t want a bully anywhere near my child, or my child’s friends. Maybe this kind of thing would shame the parents into having a look at their lack of control. Maybe talk to the kid’s teachers – if the children are at the same school.
I actually feel quite sad that the days are gone when children were taught to stand up to bullies.
loading...
Well there is no easy way around it I think you need to tell her why you are avoiding her. She needs to face up to the fact there is a problem with her child. I realise you may lose her as a friend but the reality is that avoiding her will not actually enhance your friendship either. Both child and parents need help.
loading...
My daughter’s best friend’s mum and I have a very upfront arrangement in that we totally supportive of disciplining each other’s children. We have very similar parenting styles and I don’t even blink if she pulls my girl up on something. And vice versa.
But there are a couple of kids in our Playgroup who are just, well, horrible. They’re not just naughty (all kids are at some time or another), they’re malicious and deliberately violent and mean. I’ve disciplined one of them a couple of times without thinking – usually when he’s pulling someone’s hair or grabbing a handful of their cheek with his long fingernails. I always think afterwards ‘oh crap, should I have done that?’ but then think, well, what was the alternative? Bloodshed?
His mother is not a bad parent, she’s just passive…and while she always apologises, it’s meant that playdates at her house with any of the other kids have become pretty rare. I’ve had some gentle discussions with her, talking about how valuable ‘school’ is for my daughter in teaching her how to play and share, and suggesting that maybe a day a week in a group care situation might help him interact with others his own age. She was receptive to that but I know that won’t be the case with all parents.
I don’t know if there’s anything useful in here for you, Concerned Friend, but thought I’d share my experiences.
loading...