Are there rules about who you can date?
by LUCY ORMONDE
When it comes to dating, everyone has their limits. Some hard and fast rules to help them navigate this well trodden field. Would you date a friend’s ex? Would you date an ex’s friend? What about a sibling’s friend or a friend’s sibling? Who is fair game and who is completely off limits?
They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. But in the world of dating, the ocean is small and the most of the fish are mutual friends on Facebook. So the question of whether you can date one person without pissing another one off, comes up rather frequently. At least it does in my ocean, anyway.
The thing is, there are no actual written down rules in the dating world – only unofficial sisterhoods, hormones and clashing definitions of what constitutes an ex. Everyone has a different rule, a different limit, a different line. And while some people’s dating lines are marked firmly like white paint on a highway, others’ are more transparent.
Dating a friend’s ex is a typically considered a punishable offense but whether the sentence is three days of no texts or life without parole (read: deleted from Facebook) is dependent on either party’s personal dating line. There are many factors to consider from length of friendship, length of relationship and you know, level of intoxication.
A friend learned the hard way about the consequences of hooking up with a sibling’s ex.
“I took my sister’s ex to a work dinner one year (at her suggestion) after my boyfriend and I broke up just days before,” she says. “She was fine with that. However she was NOT okay when I kissed him on a dance floor,” she adds. “I personally was okay with the whole situation until he stuck his tongue in my ear and said ‘your sister used to love this’.”
Eww.
What’s your dating line?
Comments
124 Comments so far
I dated my ex for 2 years and became friends with practically the whole extended group of friends in that time.
He admitted once, he has always had a little crush on one friend in that group. Fair enough it happens.
He ended up leaving me for her it seems. (Took a couple of months before official)
I saw her 3 months after we broke up at a party where all these friends were. She was rather intoxicated and proceeded to tell me how my ex treated me like crap and that I was better off without him, and she would never date him (like rumored) because that would be poor form.
2 hours later she sneaked off with him to make out. I was beside myself.
But at that point I was having a secret no-strings attached fling with a guy from the extended group. He came and consoled me over her actions.
My ex and her lasted 3 months. My fling and I have been together almost 3 years and have a house together.
It was a little weird at first, but the large group, had split into mini groups and luckily I don’t run into either of them anymore
.
Though if I did now, it wouldn’t really matter as I am quite happy
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I dated a guy for 6 months when I was 17. I was devastated when he cheated on me, I thought the ultimate revenge would be to date and sleep with his brother, which I did. Oh to be young and stupid.
My Mums cousin was married. His wife passed away and he married her sister. He ended up having children from each partner. His youngest son is my age and all his sons seem quite normal.
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I don’t get it: why wouldn’t his sons be normal? There’s no inbreeding – the kids’ parents don’t share genes/biology.
On another note – that kind of thing very common in the “old days” pre-20th Century. I.e. a widower (man) marrying his late wife’s sister, or a widow (woman) marrying her late husband’s brother.
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Normal emotionally, not physically…
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My partner’s best friend hooked up with my partner’s girlfriend at the time – while they were still together! My partner left the country and moved to Australia where he met me. His friend and ex went on to get married. A couple of years ago, my partner and his friend became ‘friends’ again over FB. Last year we moved back to his home country and they were there to greet us.
They are lovely, we’ve travelled with them, we’ve stayed with their at their holiday home and we have dinner together at least once a week. I often spend the day with his ex – we’ll go for a bike ride or shopping or to a museum.
There is no jealousy, no weirdness, nothing but friendship. The only weird thing has been how easy it has been to have this relationship with them. I am not jealous because I can see that my partner and his ex would never have worked out – she is lovely as a person but high maintenance in a relationship and my partner would not have coped well with that. Ultimately my partner finds it easy because it was because of what they did that he moved to Australia and met me. And I think that they are both relieved that things have turned out well for him and they can stop feeling so guilty.
Anyway, just this year they have had their first child and we are her godparents. Strange how it has all turned out. Probably key to it though was that a number of years (5 or so) had passed, circumstances had changed and everyone involved could see that it all turned out for the best!
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My Aunt (from ‘that’ side of the family) started seeing my cousin’s boyfriend.
Eww.
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No douchebags. This is a hard line for me.
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but there is always the exception, the uncontrollable… i mean look at Joey and Pacey.
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Haha – or Ben on Packed to the Rafters – fell in love with and married the housemate, then later fell in love with his immediate coworker. I must be looking at this thing all wrong!
Bahaha
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Therein lies the beauty of online dating rather than selecting from your social circle. If it doesn’t work out it goes away!
Mumabulous@mum-abulous.com
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I was telling a friend about how i’d started dating a miner and she got this really serious look on her face and started telling me how dangerous it was and how I could get into really big trouble…..
I was totally confused until she said you really should look for someone of legal age..
She thought I was dating a minor!!!! ie; under age!!! i nearly wet myself laughing
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I laughed out loud at this!!
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I know, I”m still laughing and it was three years ago!!!
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Kind of like when a friend told me another friend had a new job in a porn shop …. Oops, I mean pawn shop. I was gob smacked until corrected, then we both laughed out loud.
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My sister in law dated her ex husband’s good mate about two months after they separated. He moved in with her and her two kids not long after. All mutual friends had huge issues with it but she couldn’t understand why. .
I would never ever do that and can see why friends have issues with it. I feel sorry for the kids- imagine seeing your dad’s friend move in and his kids staying over every second weekend.
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I don’t live in a small town so to speak, but I live in a place (moved here to live with now husband) where friends have known each other since they were 5 and you go to the shops and you always run into someone you know. Having said all that, I was quite surprised at how many exes upon exes got together with friends/siblings etc! I first found it quite weird. But now, well, if everyones cool with it then i see no harm!! In particular, I am buddies with a girl that my hubby used to “shag” way before me, but this same girl was a bridesmaid at a wedding at which she dated the the groom for THREE years and then became best mates with the next girl he shacked up with-who he then married. I tell you, though, this is not uncommon where I live! I can think of at least two similar situations where this has happened. Actually having just written that……I do still think its kinda weird! They need to get out more!!
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Sounds a bit like where I live, I moved here 4 years ago but lots of people grew up here, brought their parents houses and have known each other since children. My soon to be husband and one of my neighbours had a thing when they were teenagers many moons ago, when I first found out I thought it was a little icky, even ickier has been hearing about all his past girlfriends from this neighbours mum, glad they don’t know about all my previous indiscressions!!!
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Let me guess South Australia?
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Why on earth would you want to date your friend or even your siblings ex?! Theres a reason they are their ex to begin with!
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One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure!
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So anyone with an ex girlfriend is bad and should be avoided? haha
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One of my best friends hooked up with my ex. He and I had been together for 3 years and it was less than a year after we broke up that they hooked up. I wasn’t over him and I wasn’t happy about it. They ended up getting accidentally pregnant. They got married and are still together. Their kids are now 14 and 16 and I wish them nothing but joy.
I dated a friend’s ex, and he was also my housemate. Complicated!
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No married men ever.
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I am married to my older sisters ex … they were broken up long before we hooked up thou, but still it has been a bit awkward at times.
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Only single people. I think its bad karmic baggage to get together with someone married or in a serious relationship. I know that such people are often miserable in their relationships, but hey, work out your issues before you make them my issues too!
but if you’re both available? No worries!
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My sister dated my ex who also happened to be my first ever boyfriend. We were together over a year and even though it was many years before I felt unable to tell her I found it weird in case they were ‘meant to be together’. I’m glad they’ve broken up now, sharing sisters is gross!!
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I’d never date a guy who had never seen Star Wars, particularly the original ones. (I was an über-obsessed fan for far too many years for that to not matter to me.) Nor would I date someone who I disagreed with politically, because that would end in tears. His tears. The ones he would shed after I cuss him out about how wrong his beliefs are…
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May the force be with you Jedielf.
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My BIL and his wife are Star Wars fanatics.
It’s about the only thing that they have in common.
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My ex and I regularly were on and off for 5 years. In the off times i dated his friends, one after the other, looking for the “right one”. In the end they were all assholes, calling me a slut and my ex just wanted to marry me to get into the country, while dating 5 other girls and flirting with his housemates wives at the same time! I used to check his phone, email and facebook regularly and all these other women made me sick. Double standards!
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I don’t understand people who draw a line at the kind of shoes someone wears or the kind of meal they order or other weird trivialities.
When I met my husband, he was a daggy dresser. Beige pants before they were considered cool in the form of chinos, etc. but after engaging in conversation we clicked completely on an intellectual level and he had me in hysterics, so our sense of humour was compatible as well.
If I had shut myself off from him at the first sight of his kind of questionable taste in clothing, I would have missed out on being with a guy who does all the cooking, leaves me love notes ‘just because’, and does things like drop home made soup around to his in-laws when they’re unwell. Yup, despite the *gasp* beige pants, he’s perfect. And the irrelevant bonus is that now that he works in a professional medical role, he very quickly picked up a snappy dress sense.
In other words, make your dating line in the sand the kind of line that’s worth drawing. A history of violence? Total lack of a sense of humour? Desire to hurt small animals? All things worth seriously considering as exclusionary criteria.
Ugly pants, bad wine preferences or a love of dodgy techno does not always equal incompatibility.
You might just end up drawing yourself into a solitary corner.
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That’s gorgeous!
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totally agree! I overlooked a considerable age difference and ended up with a gem, just like you’ve described
Dr Phil said ‘if he’s 80% what youre looking for and the other 20% arent deal breakers (alcholic, abusive etc) then he’s Mr Right!”
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I agree! I married the most wonderful man however he was a terrible dresser and worse kisser! He is now awesome at both, I could have passed up the love of my life.
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Ah ! But for the fact that we are both married to other people, we might well have been soul-mates.
I truly enjoyed reading your comment. Thank you.
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I always enjoy your comments too, Bradley. We’ll just have to curse our marital status and somehow soldier on in our delightfully happy relationships
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You know, I must admit that I have ruled out or broken up with guys for some of the most ridiculous reasons – even slighter and more ridiculous than beige pants!! But for me, those frivolous reasons were masking my real fear of commitment and being hurt. It wasn’t the tiny things I found “wrong” or “incompatable” that caused me to draw the line, it was the fact I was scared and hadn’t found a person I felt comfortable enough with to let in. I did eventually find him though, and when I did there was no line in the world that could have been drawn to keep me from him
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I could have written this post myself.
My fiancé was the most unpopular person at my high school. He was skinny, a draggy dresser and socially awkward. During our last year of high school I fell in love with his sweetness. He was a complete gentleman, he never made negative comments about anyone and he was just so practical E.g. he could fix everything.
Seven years later we’re engaged. He is still a perfect gentleman. He is an international pilot and his job has made him so much more confident. He put on weight and is now sexy as hell!
I always get really irritated by people who say “I won’t date a guy who doesn’t have xyz” you could be passing up an opportunity to date someone amazing!
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What a great story! I have to say that a man who can fix things is HOT!
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My friends and I have a saying ‘it only take a birthday and Christmas’ – meaning it only take a birthday and Christmas to get a daggy dresser looking good.
Birthday – give him shoes and jeans.
Christmas – shirt and cologne.
Done like a dinner!
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See that’s the thing, the bad dressers you take them out shopping and sort out their wardrobe. Then they leave you for a woman who benefits from all your style and effort! laugh.
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I wish there was a “love” button to click on for this comment!
When I first met my husband he used to wear lime green floral board shorts, a shearer’s singlet (Bonds singlet for non country people) and Redback workboots with no socks. WTF he was thinking is beyond me?!
We have now been together over 13 years and he is still and has been since about a month after I met him, my absolute best friend
Glad I overlooked the exterior
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One of my best friends relationships is seriously something you’d see in a Hollywood movie!! Another friend of ours was getting married, and my friend was bridesmaid. The groom had been unhappy in the relationship for a long time, and didn’t want to marry his partner but was manipulated into it. The bride to be didn’t actually want to marry the groom – she just wanted to be a bride. The wedding was far, far more important than the relationship. A few months before the wedding, bridesmaid and groom realised how they felt about each other. Nothing happened except talking, but groom called the wedding off, and 4 years on they are happily married with 3 beautiful children and both happier than ever. Bride to be was incredibly pissed off and very nasty, but not because she’d lost the man she loved, no – because her wedding had been ruined (her words).
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When I was 20 I had a big falling out with an old high school friend, let’s call her Jane. She was always trying to compete with her friends, and she was manipulative and attention-seeking. I stopped speaking to her for good when she sent me a series of abusive text messages accusing me of all sorts of things that I hadn’t done.
Several months later I bumped into her ex. I had always thought he was really nice but had never thought about him as anything other than Jane’s boyfriend. He asked for my number and said that we should catch up in a group. We caught up in a group situation a couple of times and I thought nothing of it. One night we went out together, had a few too many drinks and one thing led to another…. Even thought I was no longer speaking to my psycho ex-friend I still felt REALLY guilty about it. I told the guy I probably shouldn’t see him again even though I really liked him. Despite this, we DID see each other again and ended up going out for a year! My ex-friend found out and got EXTREMELY shitty about it. Despite the way she’d treated me I still did feel a little guilty about the whole situation. There are plenty of fish in the sea after all. Despite what others thought I never went out with him to get back at her but I did genuinely fall for him and develop very strong feelings for him.
In the end the guy broke my heart which sometimes I wonder if this was bad karma for dating a friend’s ex even though she was no longer my friend!!!
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I went out with a clown a few times. An actual, professional clown. Big mistake. Most miserable man on earth.
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Kate – I used to babysit for a single Mum who ended up dating the clown she hired to perform at her son’s birthday party! I was helping out as a babysitter at this particular party and noticed sparks flying between the two. At the end of the party he invited her back to his place as the children were to spend the night with their Dad. The next week at school (I worked at their school after care program) this clown showed up in his clownmobile to pick up the kids.
The relationship lasted about 2 months but she ended up breaking up with him because he was a miserable, stingy bastard! Maybe it’s a character trait of professional clowns?
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I wonder if it was the same clown?! This one was v good-looking (underneath the make-up)
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“I wonder if it was the same clown?! ”
Dating conversations you rarely hear
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Hahaha!
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Haha that made me laugh
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Joggers. Wouldn’t date anyone who wore joggers as their choice of footwear when they’re not actually running/intended on running/just having completed a run!
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Omg my boyfriend used to wear jeans and joggers everywhere- uni, meeting friends etc. And then along came me, who made him buy some black Vans instead, and now he wears them instead! Joggers are for hockey/sport only. I’ve trained him well
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Really? Poor guys, they have to prove so much and be perfect. No wonder so many are petrified of dating
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Haha that was me not so long ago. I swore I would never be with someone who wears gym runners with jeans or windcheaters out of the gym. But then I met him and although it still sometimes grates it doesn’t really bother me. His friends think its funny seeing someone like me (hair always done, won’t wear track suit out of gym and usually in dresses) with him. But I love him more than anything and he is the most sincere kind hearted man a girl could ever want bad outfits or not.
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She wasn’t quite my friend, but in the circle when I dated her ex. To be honest we had both known him for ages before either of us dated him. We were acquaintances before we each dated him, good friends after! There is nothing like dating a very messed up person to give you common ground to build a friendship on.
However generally I would say my dating line is dating a friend’s ex. If they are really your friend you generally so biased about their ex I can’t imagine dating any of them. If I had been proper friends with my now friend, I would have known way too much to ever go there.
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Ha, I married my ex’s brother!
We were only together for two months and he broke up with me, and when his baby brother at 20 (and me 25) told me he wanted more than friendship I was very determined not to go there. But there’s nothing sexier than a man being OK with being turned down…
We’ve been married six years now, and the ex finally accepted it all when we did get married. His wife when we had our girl three years ago.
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Glad I didn’t set myself any lines before deciding to date my now-husband!
His previous partner Susie* is the older sister of my ex Bob*. Susie* is now married to my husband’s best mate Jeff*. Jeff used to date my husbands little sister Anna*.
*Names changed as some people may laugh and point at me if they figure it out
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Haha, that’s an awesome story.
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I think I’m going to have to draw a diagram of you all to work that one out…. confused!
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i think my husband is sick of hearing, every time we watch trueblood, “jeeze, jessica and hoyt had totally broken up when her and jason shagged. get oooover it!”
the other thing this article made me think of is that hilarious beer ad “mmmm, steve’s sister!” you can often hear at our place “steve says no, and I say no!” LOL
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Really? I was so sure she cheated on him….confused now!
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I made the mistake of dating someone that was in love with a friend of mine for years. I asked her if it was ok she said ‘if you want to date that idiot’ so I did. Then the trouble started one of the worst few months of my life, they eventually got together and she stopped speaking to me until about 6 months ago. They are married with 2 kids so I guess it worked out for them. Me? Still single at 38 my lines are getting smaller by the second.
I do have two close friends who dated and married the same guy (one dated,the other married) and it all worked out fine too.
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Here’s the advice I give teenage girls: Never date a guy who has Cher tunes on his iPod.
It will only end in tears.
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I’m dating a bisexual man at the moment who doesn’t fit into any particular ‘type’ and yet I am very careful to keep myself nice. It may end in tears but so far we have been dating for a year and a half and I love his company. Fingers crossed we all get out alive
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Wow. Well the fact you’ve been dating for 18 months says something! Do you think it will continue to work long term? I want to bombard you with questions!!
Fingers crossed for you that it continues to blossom. xxx
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Ha Bombard away! I have. No idea when we first got together it was just sex. We would see each other once a month or so, then it moved up to every fortnight. We even had sleep overs and then breakfast together in the mornings. A few months ago we made the decision to get tested and stop using condoms. All good all clear then about a month ago there was a massive scare for the both of us, it appeared I had an STI. I informed him fully expecting him to cut and run, he didn’t he came around a few nights that week and the next to make sure I was ok and that I was eating even though I was worried. It all turned out fine but my biggest surprise was how he said quite a few times that ‘we are in this together’. Two weeks ago we had our first dinner just us not in a group and I hear from him most days. Funny thing I hugged him the other day and we were in front of a mirror and I think I caught him sizing us up as a couple( it was kind of cute). Having said all this he has generally made it clear that he doesnt see himself in a relationship I stopped short of telling him he might already be in one. He also seems a little less than interested in having kids for a woman of my age that is a large problem, I figure I keep going with my eyes wide open and be ready to pick up the pieces. Happy to answer any questions you have xxx
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I would walk away, if he says to you he is not in a relationship he is telling you indirectly he can do whatever with whoever. I Going out for one meal together in 18 months is not a relationship. Pls dont delude yourself. He is enjoying you and possibly many others too. I would make him wear those condoms.
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How do you know that? Some relationships just start out slow, and some commitment-phobes come around.
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@goose, if a man is telling you he is not in a relationship with you he has made it loud and clear he is not that keen, regardless if he is sleeping with you. Seriously this is just common sense. I would walk away and if he did likes me enough he would come find me. I think missamoo is just selling herself short. At 38 i would want not muck around. She should find someone who actually wants to be with her.
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@nat – I guess I as thinking of the old saying, no one knows what’s really going on inside a relationship apart from the 2 people in it. While it doesn’t bode well, only Missamoo and her partner can actually know that. He might very committed but have trouble with the word “relationship”, or there might be other issues at play. The point is, I think it’s unfair to say missamoo should “walk away” and that she’s “deluding herself”.
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I’m not deluded I know in my heart there is no future. We have both been rigorously tested the scare was simply that a scare NOT an STI. I’m trying something out, every paper I read tells me I have to lower my standards to find a partner. But seriously I have buried people it AIDS we both got tested together before and have made a pact to be sexually exclusive.
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I’m not sure….. do you mean STI a sexually transmitted disease? Did you get it from him?
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I didn’t end up having a Sexually transmitted infection( they stopped calling them diseases a while ago) however I did discover if your partner has cold sores you could very well end up with genital herpes. I had foliculitis, wax was too hot
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Yep, I can verify what Missamoo said above ^^
My friend gets cold sores and gave her boyfriend genital herpes through oral sex.
It’s INCREDIBLE how many people aren’t aware that you can transmit it like that.
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Are you not scared that he may wonder in the other direction ? That would frighten the hell out of me.
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I don’t see it as any more frightening than him leaving me for another woman? I myself have been attracted to women over the years and I have also many many men dump me for someone younger who didn’t want children. They way I see it he wants to be with me right now I can’t control his feelings whether he stops wanting to be with me or if he wants to be with a man.
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Just the thought that he gets excited over another mans appendage and where it has been would be my concern. Sounds like you are not really in a relationship that is exclusive. I would worry.
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Actually I had a an interestingly candid conversation about this and for many men it’s actually more about the prostate and how that feels for them. It is exclusive where it counts.
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Missamoo, you are simply selling yourself short. But good luck. I hope you don’t waste another 2 years fluffing with this time waster and wake up at 40 still in the same predicament. It gets even harder after 40.
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Ok sorry I don’t understand this either – what is about the prostrate? What does this mean? And how does it effect exclusivity???
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Keep shopping. He is telling you (omg I’m just not that into you!) That title just came to me as I was typing. You really need to find that guy/girl who is really into you. This relationship seems ‘vanilla’. If chocolate is what you are after, then find it. Ignore my advice because I don’t know enough, except that when I found my dude, I knew he was right. I wasn’t even looking when I found mine! I wish you the very best xxx
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You may be right! I may be crazy( but it just maybe a lunatic you’re looking for, sorry song words) I’m not settled and I am still considering myself single I just haven’t been tempted by all the fuckwits who come into my work place and want to have a drink straight after work around midnight. When I meet a man with the integrity of the one I am seeing that truly wants to date me not shag me then I will reconsider my path. And thank you whole heartedly for the well wishing it’s much nicer than some of the other comments thrown at me today xx
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Hi missamoo
I’m not going to name call and say anything too judgey (I hope)! – but I will say this
(note: all is intended to be sensible advice, frank and in your interests, not meanness):
1. You want a child
2. You haven’t met the right guy to do this with
3. I must say – lovely as he may be, he isn’t father material (he’s working himself out while you’re 38 and I think ready for the next stage?)
4. You need to work out if ‘happy for now’ is really what you are worth.
5. I think you might still have a decent chance at a child (however it might happen – with or without a guy). There are fertility / ovary tests and hormonal tests you can get – have a chat with your doctor – what is the harm in asking/checking? It might clarify things for you in terms of whether time has run out or not. I’d hate for you to come to the conclusion too early that that door has shut to you.
6. Why not explore those options seriously while you are working out what to do with him
7. Empower yourself to make a choice
8. In ten years’ time, what will be more important to you? That you found out where this went with him (it does sound as if it would take a while for him to come around – which is a serious gamble to take) if it means letting go of motherhood, or having a child but maybe going down the scary path of doing it alone
Only YOU an know what is right for you – being ‘understanding’ of this guy won’t make you happy. I hope that, to him, you are not just a ‘charity fork’– and you might not be, but do look at the situation and consider it. He may be bi and confused, but he may also be a supreme manipulator?
Work out how you can be happiest in the end. That’s all. I don’t know you but I want you to be happy after reading all the above posts.
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Thank you for your well thought out and extremely clear and kind response. I agree to an extent with everything you say. I will add one thing, if I haven’t found some one in the last10 years ( since I realised I wanted children) then the likelyhood of finding one before I have run out of time is slim. I am bombarded on a weekly basis with media telling me I left it too long that I am selfish and that now I should constrain myself to a life of intense Auntyhood ( btw I’m a rockstar Aunty). If I couldn’t find a man when I was young, thin, gorgeous and easy going then what chance do I have at my age carrying 10 extra kilos and wanting a baby so bad it some times almost stops my heart. Sorry dramatic aren’t I? I appreciate more than I can say your thoughts and sentiments. I am not going to waste ten years with this guy, no man in my life has even stuck around ten months. But I will take your words and have a good think. I guess I was one of those people not meant for relationship happiness, ah well at least I have my health.
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Regarding ‘going it on your own’ (the motherhood path), I got onto this amazing blog through a mamamia poster – it may steal a chunk of your Friday night now Missamoo! http://bumpyroadtobubba.com/2011/02/14/valentinesday/
On another note, I have to agree with your reply comment above – while the odd reminder to think things over in life are good for all of us, I too am tired of the ongoing bombardment by media about women leaving it too long, that we’re selfish etc.
There are many important things and paths in life – not everyone can have children even if they find the right partner. On the other hand, some people have kids and definitely shouldn’t! Each to their own. Health is important, happiness is too, whatever form that comes in. Personally, I really want a child/children, and hope to get there. If not, I will find a way to enjoy my life and not be burdened by a narrow definition of mother / non-mother.
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I work Friday nights but I’ll give it a look over the weekend, thanks xx
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I was raised by a single (not by choice or plan) mother and my father was never a part of my life. (He knew I existed and saw me a few times when I was little but didn’t want to be a father – of anyone, he got a vasectomy after me.)
As much as my mum did her best and did a wonderful job, it was hard.
And it’s been hard on me not having a father. Both having a mother who is so dependent on me for her happiness, and just having one parent. The no father thing didn’t really affect me as a little kid – I didn’t know my family wasn’t normal. These days it probably is!
But I always was waiting for him to change his mind and want to be my father. He died when I was 16. I’ve spoken to his ex girlfriend who I tracked down online a few years ago(the wonders of the Internet!) and she told me he was planning to meet me at 18.
That’s upsetting and strangely rewarding at the same time. I felt better straight away. Less rejected.
I’ve got great uncles (both my mother’s brothers and her friends’ husbands) but I don’t think anyone can replace a father. I think it did affect my value of self-worth for a long time…
I want kids too. But if the only way is alone, I don’t think I will at all… I will try to make peace with that.
I respect women like those on the link, but from the point of the child, which I feel qualified to speak from, I don’t know if it’s fair.
Disclaimer: I have no problem with same sex parents whatsoever.
I think for me it’s the solo thing that, when done by choice as though the other parent isn’t important, makes me question if they thought enough about the child…
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I want to find my guy, I’m pretty sure he’s out there… where are youuuuuuuuuuuu??????????
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I knew something was NQR with my recent date when we got back to his place and his top 20 songs included Cher’s Believe, Kylie and The Vengaboys (The Vengaboys??). Number one played song was ‘Call Me Maybe’. I’ve dated guys who like a bit of pop and understand when a particular song takes hold, but a whole top playlist of gay pop and disco? It was simply a big hint that things were going to get weird.
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That is hilarious. Guest ..
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Oh now I am dying to know exactly how things got weird!
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I am tipping she didnt stick around to find out… I am still laughing , such a funny story!
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Did the Venga Bus finally come?!!
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If in doubt, ASK.
Friend/sibling should be first priority. If they say “yes” then go for it, if they say “eww, no” then respect their wishes and start looking elsewhere.
ps-In the quest to be upfront and honest, and make sure no one thinks this is sage wisdom, I have absolutely no examples to back this up as I have never had an ex. This is just going by watching others figure it out).
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No exes of friends*
No friends of exes*
(*Has to have been an “actual relationship” of decent length – not a kiss on a dancefloor once type claim)
No immediate coworkers
No married people
No “separated” (but not yet divorced because they still want to be with their ex) people
No racists
No idiots
No one shorter than me
No one devoutly religious
No pot smokers
No one who still lives with their parents
No one left
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hi alyssakt, your display photo is very lovely but whenever i look at it I think of an ultrasound pic. Sorry, its just the colours… its a nice photo but i cant help it!
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Haha, Anna – are you trying to call me immature?!
Thanks for the feedback – I just had a go of making it look less warped – but only succeeded in making it warped in a whole new way! Haha
I like the darkness of it though – makes it very easy to find my posts…
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haha!! yea it looks even better now, and yea the darkness is really cool!
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No immediate co-workers! Most definitely. Also, no house-mates.
I development a rule after university, “Don’t shit where you eat.” Code for no housemates and no co-workers.
No married people, this should be an unspoken rule!
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Am six happy years into a relationship with a housemate… we’ve moved countries together and all! It’s worked out perfectly xx
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That’s fantastic! It can definitely work for some people but infortunately it seems to be that it is more often than not an epic failure…at least that is my experience. Wishing you many happy years ahead! Oxo
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Don’t screw the crew was ours at uni
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No housemates is a crazy rule!
I slept with my housemate 13 years ago & we’ve been married for 7 years. It was the best thing I ever did!
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It might seem a crazy rule for some but in my experience, and there has been a lot of ‘experience’ in the housemate area, it tends not to end well. Congrats to the people who can make it work, but unfortunately many can’t.
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Haha my friend just started working with a guy she is attracted to but decided “I shall not dip my pen in the office ink” ha
I’m sure it can work – housemates/coworkers but I would want to be very sure about him and have a very long courtship before making any serious decisions…
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I could not agree more! Be very very careful is all I can say…and I speak from too many housemate and colleague “ink dippings” gone wrong
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Dont fish from the company pool is what I’ve always been told, which is fine, until I met a coworker who literally is my dream man in all facets- its freaky. We are just friends.
My bro met his wife at work…
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C’mon, there’s plenty of us left!!!
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Sigh. I can tick off most of that list ‘been there done that’…ah my ill-spent youth.
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Poor you
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Good on you!
And I would add, anyone over a certain age who hasnt been in a serious relationship is best avoided too. There’s usually a big reason for that!
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What age and what kinds of reasons do you think? I’m just interested.
I know of a couple of people who haven’t ever been in a serious relationship – they’re very good friends of mine, and really great people (interesting, life on track, kind, generous, funny, employed, good dress sense haha) but haven’t been in serious relationships. I don’t really know why other than I know they’re both quite shy – I mean, I honestly can’t understand how it’s just not happened for either of them yet…
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Men particularly I meant. I know plenty of gorgeous women who havent had a relationship because they cant find a man who wants to commit. But any man over the age of 30 who has never had a serious relationship or even a girlfriend for more than a few months would ring alarm bells for me.
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I disagree, respectfully. I think there are many shy men out there who have not been in relationships because women expect every man to come along and ‘lead the way’. Sometimes it takes a while for a shy guy to get to know you and feel comfortable before you see the real person. I would take a shy guy any day.
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I disagree because I am in that boat. Just shy and lacking some confidence – not damaged goods I think.
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Okay, after reading the comments above I would like to say – shy guys can be an exception, but that’s dependent on him still being socially adept. I would have no problem dating a man who hasn’t had a long-term girlfriend before – it’d be preferable to dating a guy who had 10 “girlfriends” last month!
But guys who can’t handle me having male friends, can’t be left alone at a party, can’t make a move without asking my permission- no.
And yes, I have gone out with guys like that.
The weirdest part about insecurities about opposite sex friends is that if I wanted to be with them, I already would be – not dating anyone else!
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I kind of think the opposite applies. I’d consider avoiding someone who had a pattern of medium or long-term relationships that kept ending without marriage and family.
I don’t mean in their 20s or 30s, but their 40s. I’d be wondering about a fear of commitment when it comes to the crunch. I know a guy who keeps doing the moving in or engagement thing but never getting down the aisle. He’s 45 and not ugly at all, claims to want a family. Why do all his serious relationships keep falling over? He’s had a ridiculous number of girlfriends. I wouldn’t want to join that queue! (that also goes for women, not being sexist, I just know an example of a guy in this case)
On the other hand, I’ve been single (but dating occasionally) over five years now.
My last r’ship was a complete utter waste of time – mine and his. I didn’t love him, it started because I was over being single, he was within easy reach. Frankly, he wanted commitment and I was miserable.
After that ended, I promised myself not to have a relationship until I really liked someone and really valued them, and desired a future with them. Guess what – haven’t met him yet, simple as that. There’s my reason for being single so long. Nothing ‘wrong’ with me, as you imply. I am not going to have relationships for the sake of it.
Meanwhile, I am getting on with my career, travel, financial goals, personal interests, looking after my health and fitness, contributing to charity in time and money, studying and so on. I’m a decent and well-rounded person. I love animals and am clean, friendly, and sociable! I wonder how your ‘big reason’ applies to my scenario?
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All the quality girls get snapped up… The others remain single.
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A simplistic theory from a simplistic mind
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Karma will get you for that.
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Some women are happy to be on their own… simple
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I know – I rather be a smart and happy single than paired off with Anonymous up there with the rude comment
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I married my best friend’s ex! Luckily, she was totally okay with it – she was even in the bridal party at my wedding (as I was in hers)! Some people think that’s weird but they weren’t dating for years or anything…we just accepted it for what it was and moved past it.
Luckily we did or I wouldn’t have the best husband in the world
Sometimes, crossing your ‘line’ can be the best thing you ever do.
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Me and my partner have a similar story! He dated a close friend of mine for a couple of months, they split amicably and she moved on a few months later.
I was having a rough time going through family issues and he helped me keep my mind off things and eventually one thing lead to another and we became a coulple. Fast forward 4 years and we have a gorgeous son together.
I was lucky that she was only ever supportive for us, it could have been weird but I would never have gone there if I hadn’t needed a distraction from what was going on at home!
To this day were all still good friends with my friend happily married with three kids.
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