Alexa* writes…
“I recently split from my husband of 10 years.
We have two beautiful children, a little girl of 8 and a son of 5 who is starting school this year. My husband is pushing to have custody of the children every second week (from Friday to Friday).
I don’t want that, I think it would be very unsettling and unfair for the kids. I understand that he needs and deserves to see the kids but I am heading towards 4 days a fortnight.
This is so foreign to me, as I’ve grown up in a two parent household and I do not know anybody that has separated when they had young kids. I’ve read everything and spent hours on the internet trying to make sense of this mine field.
This is the worst bit about separation – the children and trying not to stuff up their lives
What is the right balance?”
There are few issues as fraught or emotional as this one. I know a couple of people going through this exact issue at the moment after seperating. In both cases, the fathers want shared custody. One week on, one week off. Or three days one week, four days the next.
But is that necessarily in the best interests of the kids? I’m genuinely interested to know because I don’t. Whether the primary carer is the mother or the father, my point is that surely it’s unsettling for kids to swap houses, room, rules and geography every few days or each week?
I’m fascinated to know of your experience either as a parent in such a situation or the child of divorced parents – how does/did your family do it?
Comments
248 Comments so far
If your children get along fine with their father and have no problems with living with just him, I would jump at shared custody. As a child I and my siblings visited my dad on the weekends and it simply wasn’t enough. Later when we were old enough to have a say they switched to shared custody and this was so much better. For one thing it’s much nicer to feel like your dad’s place is home as well, which is hard to do when you you’re only there a day or two. With a full week you can settle in a bit more, and it’s not so jarring leaving either home. It’s also much better spending the same amount of time with both parents, if you don’t you wind up missing one of them horribly and wishing you were with them. Which is unfair for everyone. I think it goes without saying however that this is only the case if both parents are capable and the kids get along with them and want to be with them.
I know my dad struggled at first to do everything my mum did, and he made some mistakes. In the end he stopped trying to copy her and did things his way, skipping some things she thought were super important along the way. I know she hated that, but it all worked in it’s own way. Just because someone hasn’t been the primary carer doesn’t mean they can’t be, and just because they go about it differently doesn’t mean it’s worse, just different. My parents handled the basic day to day stuff radically differently and it didn’t cause any real problems.
Something I’ve been thinking about; I think a lot of mothers feel that they are spending a great deal more time with and on their children than their fathers do, and they are usually correct of course. But in terms of QUALITY time together, often things even out a lot more. I know my mum didn’t really understand why my siblings and I missed my father so much during the time we were only saw him on weekends. In her eyes he didn’t spend much time with us, compared to her I mean. But in the time he did give us we would talk for hours and it always felt like we had his undivided attention. Whereas we spent tons of time with mum, but mostly it seemed like work for her. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, it’s just that taking care of us kids was obviously comparable a full time job, which meant she had no more and no less hours in the day than my dad when it came to spending some proper time together.
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My best friend comes from a family wrought by custody battles – all I can say is that for the sake of the children you have to learn to find a balance and not bring them into your fights. Almost ten years after her parents separated they are still going in and out of court over something or another, at the expense of their two children. Seeing the devastating effect this has had on my best friend has been incredibly hard.
The arrangement they had before my best friend moved out of her Mum’s and into her Dad’s was the kids lived with Mum and every second weekend they lived with Dad. All holiday time was divided equally. When we started Year 12, her fights with her mum got worse and worse and she decided to live with her Dad, so the situation was reversed and she then spent every second weekend with her Mum.
Only seeing her Dad every second weekend growing up meant she missed out on developing the bond that I’ve always had with my Dad and only now does she feel truly ‘at home’ in his house, before she felt like she did not belong and that she was imposing. More regular stays there might have helped her, but there’s no real way of saying.
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My best friend comes from a family wrought by custody battles – all I can say is that for the sake of the children you have to learn to find a balance and not bring them into your fights. Almost ten years after her parents separated they are still going in and out of court over something or another, at the expense of their two children. Seeing the devastating effect this has had on my best friend has been incredibly hard.
The arrangement they had before my best friend moved out of her Mum’s and into her Dad’s was the kids lived with Mum and eve reverses ry second weekend they lived with Dad. All holiday time was divided equally. When we started Year 12, her fights with her mum got worse and worse and she decided to live with her Dad, so the situation was reversed and she then spent every second weekend with her Mum.
Only seeing her Dad every second weekend meant she missed out on developing the bond that I’ve always had with my Dad and only now does she feel truly ‘at home’ in his house, before she felt like she did not belong and that she was imposing. More regular stays there might have helped her, but there’s no real way of saying.
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such a great post Tara..thanks
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what a great idea..have never heard of this before!
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This is exactly what we have done now since separating 2 months ago. We are still settling into it, and of course it’s been school holidays all this time, so there’s been much less routine. But I think it’s working well. Of course the kids are unsettled, their parents have split. But we live less that 1km from each other so anything forgotten is soon collected – the older two are 15 and 14 so they just hop on their bikes and go and pick their stuff up. My ex often works away and then I just have the kids on his week and he will either give me extra money (hmm, no probably not) or more like will keep them until The Sunday night instead of Friday for a couple of weeks to make it up.
I suppose I’m lucky, our split wasn’t spiteful and my ex is an extremely practical man so he will go out of his way to make sure that this fits the kids lives as well as his own. I do have a few doubts, and have told him the children need love as well as physical care, and the kids are complaining of being served foods that he should know that won’t eat or buying shampoo that will make the girls itch. But they will figure it out.
My parents separated when I was young and often I didn’t even know where my dad was living!! I hope that my own experiences can help my children through this.
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Its complicated! On paper shared care is great if both parties are mature enough to put their egos aside, and intelligent enough to focus on the kids. but it isn’t great in homes where domestic violence occurs, or violence toward the children, mental illness & substance abuse issues, sadly these families fall through the cracks and the mums (usually) are often forced into shared care arrangements.
Your children are old enough to have a voice in this scenario and they should have a voice. I’m sure they will want to be with both of you as often as possible and perhaps they need to be given the space to have a trial run with shared care. And giving them some independent support systems (counselling) would probably help through the separation and understanding their emotions. At the end of the day you can’t control what your ex wants, how he will set up his time with the kids, what he will do with them, how he will parent, and you also shouldn’t become a doormat who believes you have to organise his household as well, because you don’t trust him to get the kids sorted for school & other activities. You basically have to trust each other, as you did when you first met & chose to have children together.
Unless you can prove there is a reason why shared parenting should not take place, this is the default setting in place in the family law jurisdiction, you are not likely to get 4 days if he is determed to have shared care. Mediation is the first step, as you are probably aware, so the more you can devise a plan as a family unit prior to mediation probably the better. You are all in this process together and will be for 15 more years , each of you will have to open your hearts to new levels of flexibility, patience, calmness and egolessness. Good luck.
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Wow, thanks for sharing. Could I ask in hindsight do you think it would have been better for the kids if you had just stayed in the relationship until they were older? I ask this out of curiosity / interest, not in judgement of the fact you left.
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I’m facing divorce this year, and am totally stressing over how it will work out with the custody arrangments. My ex lives an hr away and does shift work, which changes from week to week. He sees my boys (2 and 5) maybe every mth or two. I can’t pin him down to any kind of routine.
To be honest, I want the kids during the week, and he can have weekends. He has bipolar which he doesn’t get treatment for, and is unlikely to want to drive my son to his new school. I give him every opportunity to be involved with the boys, and he takes the easiest option, which is usually not bothering. I think I can offer the boys a more emotionally stable environment than my ex, and child development research suggests that if the children can have a stable relationship with one parent, then it helps them cope with life.
My ideal would be them going to his place every second weekend, and having him visit for an hr or so every 3 days, to help them all stay in contact. I try and encourage my 5 yr old to talk on the phone with him but he’s not very keen.
But your ex may not be like that- I hope it works out for you and that your children are happy.
It’s hard to say what the balance should be as every family dynamic and every child is different.
I would recommend you have a written agreement, and review the situation every 6 mths to a year. And never say anything bad about the other parent to your kids. Ever. If they have questions about the other parent (mine asks “why does Daddy always work and never come to visit?”) then encourage them to ask the other parent about their concerns, and reassure that the other parent loves them and misses them.
Good luck with it all, it’s a hard emotional time for everyone.
xx
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A friend of mine in high school came off second best to her parents new relationships. Mum and dad both remarried and the kids became a very poor 2nd to the new partners. I’m sure the parents werent aware of it but it was bloody obvious to everyone else.
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oh yes – I know someone who did that as well. The parents bought a flat and they shared custody – kids never moved anywhere. =
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For what it’s worth Tara, I lived with both my Mum and Dad and still have a FUCKED up relationship with my Dad, there are no guarantees.
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Thats the key I suppose, both parents have to be on the same page. And be prepared to put their kids needs absolutely first and put new relationships on hold for a while to make this situation work.
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My parents split when I was 13 years old. My brother and I went from house to house (Friday to Friday) for about 3 years. It was a little bit unsettling, but we enjoyed it. I think it’s a good option when you have younger children because they still see each parent equally. I think it would be more unsettling if they saw their father less.
It got harder as we got older just with the whole forgetting stuff that we needed for school etc, transferring school assignments from computer to computer etc. When I was 17 I made the choice to stay at my Mum’s permanently and go to my Dad’s every second weekend and my brother did the same thing when he turned 16 except the other way around. He went to my Mum’s every second weekend.
Mentally, it was hard to get used to but whatever you end up doing, the children will find it hard to get used to. What I think you need to do is run a bit of a trial of the week about system and primarily, let the children decide. It should be up to them. Yes, it might inconvenience you by shuttling them from house to house etc but that’s not the issue here. Their happiness shouldn’t be an inconvenience for anyone. Sure, they are quite young and might not really understand what is going on, but don’t underestimate their abilities to know what they want and knowing where they feel happiest. Let them make the choice.
Hope it all works out well for you.
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My parents split when I was 13 years old. My brother and I went from house to house (Friday to Friday) for about 3 years. It was a little bit unsettling, but we enjoyed it. I think it’s a good option when you have younger children because they still see each parent equally. I think it would be more unsettling if they saw their father less.
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not sure if this is helpful – but i once heard of a family whereby the children stay at the house and its the parents who come back and forth. the house is primarily the childrens.
i have no real ideas or judgement within this situation. my dad left when i was 3 and whilst i saw him every so often til i was ten. the last i heard from him i was 12 and it was a christmas card. {i turn 23 in july}. thought about contacting him but not sure.
all i know is that i think every child should have the right to see both parents. in ways that is best for the child.
sorry it isnt a help..
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I could write a book on how NOT to proceed whith child care arrangements after separation.
Alexa I know it might seem hard, but the fact that your husband wants to have the kids for a week at a time is amazing and they are very lucky that their dad wants them that much.
When my parents split up, I had visions of two homes, two sets of everything – books, games, clothes the works. I guess I totally idealised what I thought post-separation would be.
Instead my father moved 50 minutes away (to Manly, a place pretty much inaccessible by public transport from where we were living) to a TINY one bedroom flat. He did it because he said there was no way he was going to get stuck in the suburbs, waiting around for his kids to come and visit him.
I was 16 so there was no shared custody arrangement for me – he told me that I was expected to set my own hours, and if I wanted to see him enough then I would arrange it.
My brother was only 10 and had every second weekend with Dad. Only it was never our place, we either had to sleep with dad or had to sleep in the living room on a sofa bed if we stayed the night. My dad was so caught up in the bitterness of the divorce that he never stopped to put the needs of his kids before his own.
Sure, stability with my mum was brilliant. But I can tell you it totally FUCKED up both mine and my brother’s relationship with my dad in the long run. I have had several years of estrangement from him and my brother is a very confused young man who has never had a real father figure and has had no one to learn from.
I would have given ANYTHING to be inconvenienced by having to move my shit around week to week, rather than the alternative, which is a relationship with my father that is only now, 10 years later, starting to feel natural.
The short term inconvenience is easy to get over – building a relationship with one parent from scratch is so much harder.
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Better than what my kids got, which was a big fat nothing. Their father couldn’t be bothered seeing his kids, no matter how hard I pressed the issue. Lucky for them I married a brilliant man who took the kids on as his own and my dad was a great role model too.
Friends of mine lived close enough to each other for their kids to take the same bus from school home. They loved the kids and managed to put them first. It can work if the parents try enough. If it doesn’t seem to be working it can be changed, or the kids can decide for themselves once they reach 12.
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Oh, this is a doozy. Been in your shoes starting 12 yrs ago and still going through the fall-out. I bent over backwards (out of guilt for instigating the split) to have shared care. In our situation it didn’t work, and we even had a family court counsellor tell us it doesn’t work. Congrats to those who can make it work.
Ask yourself what’s his motivation for shared care? Does he genuinely love and want to parent the children as much as humanly possible? To pay you less in child support? To feel like he “owns” the children? In my case my ex-husband knew that the only way to hurt me (and not get in trouble from the police, etc) was to deprive me of time with the boys, so I basically had to fight for every hour I got with them. He has always been self-employed and lied to the ATO about his earnings anyway, so I knew child support would never come my way.
Watch out for mind games that some men (and I’m sure some women) can play, eg when it was time for me to pick the boys (started from ages 4 & 2) up every Sunday at 6pm they would always have to be dragged kicking and sceaming to the car. Eventually I realised that he was deliberately setting them up with something fun (like PlayStation) so when I arrived I’d be the bad guy to take them away from their fun. I asked if he could give them 5 mins notice before I came so they were a bit ready, but he said he’d never tell them they couldn’t be at his house. This is just one eg out of many.
Also further down the track everyone’s lives change. I met someone else and we moved in together, which meant me driving way out of my way for years to get them to school and back. I wanted to keep their situation as stable as possible, so I did it. But when ex moved in with his now wife he changed their schools without my permission, so then I had even more driving to do every day. Include in that soccer training, after school activities, and all I did was drive people places, while he didn’t have to drive anyone anywhere. When my (now) husband and I met I would live at his place when the children were at their dad’s, and after a year of it I said I couldn’t cope with the to-ing & fro-ing any more so we’d either have to move in together or split up. It hit me like a tonne of bricks that I couldn’t cope with it and I’m an adult, but I was selfishly making my kids do exactly that. But what other choice did I have? Fight for every hour, or give them up totally?
I know I sound bitter and pissed off, cause I am, but I’ve been living it for 12 yrs now. Once the boys were each 12 yrs old they were basically asked to pick a house to live in full-time (except every 2nd w/end) because it was doing all our heads in. My 16 yo chose his father’s, and my 14 chose here. I think it’s made a huge and positive difference to their stress levels. This only now works because we live in the same suburb. If you don’t it can be a bloody nightmare, and we don’t have crystal balls to tell us what the future holds with other partners, jobs, etc.
I’d recommend holding an annual review of some kind, mediated if necessary, to make sure it’s all on track, for whatever you decide. My 16yo pops over regularly, and texts me a lot. We’re very close, regardless of his choice of house. My 14yo thinks his father is a tool (join the club) and has hardly anything to do with him. I don’t think that splitting up the kids is always a bad thing, especially my 2 who fight over anything. People who were telling me not to let it happen where people who hadn’t lived in my shoes. Sometimes it’s a really valid solution for the best needs of the kids. Think about their individual needs as well as the both of them together.
There was a segment on Insight on SBS about what kids think about divorce, and it was a real eye-opener. Maybe you could see a podcast of this? Not sure if it’s available online. My 14yo watched it in tears, and lots of memories came back to him of all the backstabbing of me that his fahter did. I suspected it at the time, but of course couldn’t prove anything. This kind of behaviour (if your soon-to-be-ex could turn into this) is so damaging to the kids. If I knew then ….. I would have let my ex have them full-time, just so he could feel like he “won” over me (his main priority – short-man syndrome) so the boys wouldn’t have had to go through the crap they did. My selfishness got in the way and I wanted to parent them myself as much as possible. And I didn’t want them to grow up thinking I’d abandoned them, which is the message they would have been fed. The stress has definitely affected their schooling, and emotional development. I sincerely hope they parent their own children better.
Best of luck to you. Love to hear what decision you come to and how it works out.
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you are right, every situation is different, I do feel lucky that my husband is basically capable. I wonder if I would change this oppinion if he went off and slept with someone else? Honestly… I dont know. It would make me question everything I thought I knew about him…
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and picking up from a point someone raised earlier.. its crap if you ‘live’ with just one parent but ‘visit’ another… parents are not meant to be ‘visited’ but ‘lived with!’ so if the arrangement is that the kids live with one parent and just visit the other… eventually the relationship with the parent they just visit just goes downhill and they drift apart…
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My heart goes out to you. I have a friend going through a marriage break-up at present and it is absolutely heartbreaking to see the wreckage her husband has left behind. To your question though, while I don’t have personal experience, I have a friend who shares custody of her children with her husband and an old boss who does same. One is a 5 day on/off arrangement and the other is a week on/off arranged around the Monday afternoon-Monday morning. Reasoning behind that is the kids start the school week knowing they have the full week with each parent. In both case the kids are happy, well-adjusted and settled and while it can be hard to manage, the parents have made it work – for the kids sake.
Personally, if I was ever in your scenario I’d go for shared custody and I think it’s fantastic your ex wants it. What better way for your kids to understand that your separation isn’t rejection of them – which is what lots of kids of separated marriages end up thinking (speaking from personal experience – I am one, and my father had little to do with us after the separation – he never fought for custody and Mum never offered). I send you loits of hugs and many many wishes that your journey is not too difficult.
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Be great to hear from more people who actually had their parents divorce rather that just from the parents who never really understand what its like for us kids… i was at my mums house during the week and at dads every second weekend… it wasn’t enough.. mum was hugely stressed out and dad unhappy he didn’t see us more.. i got so annoyed by it at 14 i went and lived with my dad full time for a few months.. i think your really lucky that your husband wants to share custody with you.. i think it would be great for the kids.. i wish my parents had done that.
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I have friends whose parents did exactly that, and it was great for them. Eventually both parents had new relationships and they gave away the second apartment and the parents lived with their respective partners for their ‘off’ week, and then their partners maybe visited their family home a few nights during their week with the kids. It definitely takes devoted parents, and they both obviously found very understanding partners but I think its the best example i’ve ever heard of parents minimising the damage of divorce to their kids.
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None of it will be easy at first but it does get LOADS easier – so hang in there and try not to get caught up in the minor stuff, focus on the big picture. Your children won’t be little forever but if you can start a really workable, easy going routine now, it will take them into late childhood and they won’t remember any other way but one week with mum and one week with dad.
It will work if you step back and give it a go – bickering over shared custody is a nightmare for everybody and will drag you down. Let your ex husband try it, and then reassess in a few months ??
Just some ideas from someone who has gone through 8 years of ups and downs and has learnt a lot!
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Obviously every case is different Chris. You are very lucky that you have a husband who could pick up where you have left off, that’s definitely not my experience!! From a Family Law point of view the question they ask is “who is the primary carer & why should that change?” From a stability point of view I would have thought it would be best for the kids to be with the person that has basically raised them. I’m only speaking from my experience. I honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my kids with my ex for an extended period of time as he has NO IDEA what to do, the examples I could give you, you would not believe.
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I have been very inarticulate ‘must love dogs’! Sorry, I stand corrected on the gender issue, my point is really about the primary carer (being male or female) not automaticaly having the right to continue as such following a split. Just because you havent doesnt mean you cant.
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I haven’t experienced this, however, from friends that have, this is their reality. It seems that the days of mum getting the kids and a big % of the assets are long gone. What makes this harder though, is when mum and dad fight through the courts for what they believe is due to them, which inflicts pain on the family as a whole and on the estate financially.
I wish you well and hope that you can find a resolution that keeps you all satisfied.
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God Emma that must be so hard for your kids to process, and must leave you with so much heartbreaking fallout to deal with. Wishing the four of you all the best.
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I take your point, but for example, I am a stay at home mum because my husband supported my desire to do this. If we split would his support give me the advantage as I am the primary carer or should he be able to say the goal posts have now changed… If I were incapacitated for what ever reason, I have no doubt my husband would be able to successfully raise our children despite the fact I was previously the primary carer. I sometimes think that when divorce is the issue at hand its an easy option for women to say ‘well Im the one thats done this for years’. Im not saying I blame them, what women wants to only have her children every other week, I just know watching friends tackle these issues sometimes its easier to argue the dads wouldnt provide the same level of care ‘because they havent’.
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I agree it sounds like a great idea, but I wonder how on earth either partner would be able to start a new relationship? Maybe they don’t…?
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My former husband and I separated in 1998 when our son was almost four. As I work shiftwork and have no family nearby, I couldn’t do the ‘traditional separated family’ routine of our son going to his father’s every second weekend. We settled on our son being with me Wednesday to Saturday, and then going back to his Dad’s every Saturday evening. In effect, he was spending half a week at each home. This enabled me to work on days when I didn’t have him, and be a ‘home Mum’ when he was with me.
Our son is now 15, and he has been living this way for almost 12 years. He has two bedrooms, two homes and a close bond with both his parents. I asked about six months ago if he would like to change the arrangement so that he could spend an entire week in each home at a time, and thus save himself having to remember school uniform and text books, and having to ferry them from home to home. Much to my surprise he declined the offer. He said he likes the arrangement the way it is.
On the other hand, I also now have two stepchildren who predominantly live with their mother. They have always had the arrangement of spending four days a fortnight with their father (and thus, now, with me), based on Friday-Monday every second weekend.
Unlike my son, my stepchildren consider themselves to have one home and one bedroom, which is at their mother’s. They simply ‘visit’ our place and have nowhere near the relationship with my husband that my son has with his father. There is distinct disconnection.
My former husband and I certainly have done things ‘against the norm’, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, having first hand experience with the ‘traditional arrangment’ as well.
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I think that arrangement can work (one week with one parent, the next with the other) IF a number of factors are catered for:
1. The kids have their own space at each home and feel equally ‘at home’ in both places
2. Their day-to-day lives are not significantly disrupted in one situation more than the other
3. Both parents can agree to not air any dirty laundry in front of the kids (and stick to it)
Only if all of those things can be achieved do I think it is possible to make the situation work.
My parents split when I was 7 and both remarried shortly after. I managed just fine living with my Mum during the week and my Dad every weekend, until my Dad split from his second wife and moved onto his third when I was 15. His new living situation was very unwelcoming and I didn’t even have my own bedroom – I was forced to sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge every weekend….not exactly ideal for an adolescent girl!
In my later teen years my Dad resented driving me to my part-time job as he lived on the opposite side of town to Mum (and my workplace). This made me feel guilty and eventually I stopped spending much time with him on weekends (for that reason, coupled with my typical teenage desire to spend more time with my friends). I think its REALLY important that both parents are committed to keeping the child’s routine as stress-free as possible, even if that does mean putting themselves out. The child didn’t ask to be in this position.
Most importantly, my parents never talked badly about the other in front of me. I think that made a huge difference for me – I wouldn’t have stood for one saying anything bad about the other, and to be honest I think its atrocious parenting if one does.
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Wow – I think that sounds like a great idea!
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Hi – I have two kids also – I am happily married (fingers xx) but I think the best interstes of your children (assuming your husband is a good man and a good father) that instead of week on week off you do say Monday – Wednesday (HIM) Thursday-Sunday (YOU) or something similar. That way the children can get in a more regular routine ie/ Monday – dad picks them both up from school and they have sport etc then Thursday its mums time etc. Kids get pretty used to routines like this but I don’t think it would be as great week on week off. Kids might get confused but its fairly simple for kids their age to understand the 7 days of the week ? Just a thought. Good luck
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So, how does that really work then? The mum gets four days a week, two of which are the ‘golden’ days – the weekend, where you actually get to spend the most quality time with your kids! Especially if both parents are working (very likely in a shared custody scenario) all the poor dad gets are three mornings and evenings a week. Sound fair to you?
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I agree with you Chris but it doesn’t need to be a gender debate it really depends on who is the Primary Carer. It’s not that women are “backing men into a corner because they work more”, it’s that they have been the Primary Carer and they should remain so. This of course works both ways, if the Dad is the Primary Carer then let it remain so.
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Ok, so it’s been eight years now since my ex demanded shared custody of our then 5 and 6 year-olds. And a little piece of my heart still breaks every other Sunday at 5pm when they are picked up for a week at their dad’s, 20 minutes away.
At the time of separation my ex (a lawyer – hence why I didn’t bother arguing against the shared separation!) had done zip in the parenting side of things in regards to getting the kids sorted for school, after school activities etc. After the shared custody began, I had to pretty much organise his household as well as mine – for the kids’ sake. At first he wanted to hire a nanny to fill in the gaps between his work and the kids finishing school. Oh, and he wanted me to go halves! I put my foot down on this as I was working my hours around the kids and did not want them having extra care. This aspect only improved as the kids reached upper primary school and took on a lot of the organisation themselves.
Having said that, I’m still the one who sorts out the endless stream of notes from school, fees, uniforms, books etc.
My son and daugther are now 13 and 14 – they are pretty well-rounded and do well at school. They have great friends and seem happy. When I take my needs (being a mum!) away from the equation, I think they have probably benefitted from their dad’s involvement in their life – he wasn’t really involved before – so having had to do so has been a benefit. My son finds the weekly swap easier whereas my daugther and my ex clash (always have done!). She also takes on a role as “female” of his house and tries to organise both her dad and her brother. And when she comes back to us, she tries to continue this!
I have since re-married and have a four-year-old as well. The “big kids” adore their brother and vice versa. My son has never known anything different – one week his brother and sister are there, the next they’re gone. He does miss them though – always asking how many sleeps till they return.
I do have my own parents’ experience to reflect back on. Mine separated when I was six and my mum couldn’t cope with us (nowadays she would have been diagnosed with PND), so she lived three hours away. We only saw her once a month and holidays and when I was 14 she moved to NZ. I really did not have a great relationship with her because of this. It’s difficult (particularly as a teen) to pick up where you left off since the last time your saw a parent! Unfortunately, we only got to mend some bridges just 4 months before she and my stepdad tragically drowned – only 6 months after my first son was born.
This pattern of one week on, one off will probably change “naturally” this year as my eldest gets a part-time job, most of which are closer to where we live. It’s the rollercoaster we’re on until both kids are through high school. The aim is to get them out the other end as young, socially aware human beings. Like all parts of parenting, I hope I’m getting close 99% of the time.
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My ex husband refuses to see our 3 children and I must say that is so difficult for them, and me to deal with emotionally.
I would gladly share custody with him as it would give them the emotional stability and relationship they are desperate for. They now feel he doesn’t love them.
It is great to hear that Dad’s want to be involved in the upbringing of their children and whilst the logistics may be a bit difficult to work around, the emotional benefits will far out weigh them. My advice, stay friends if possible, talk your ex partner up in front of the children, and be open and honest with them about the issues that arise. All the best for your family’s future.
Emma
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I know people that did that too. It worked really well for them, and when the kids were old enough not to be so disturbed by moving about, they bought a place for the father to live and the kids went to visit.
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This is just so hard. On the one hand, the children have both their parents involved heavily in their lives which is great. On the other, the constant to-ing and fro-ing can be unsettling for some children. As I understand it, over the past few years shared custody has been the go-to ruling from most family courts. I just don’t think there should be one default position for everyone, but rather each family should be helped to reach an agreement based on their individual circumstances. I grew up with a single dad, and am grateful every day that this (somewhat unusual in the 80s) decision was made for me.
I wish you nothing but the best Alexa.
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this is so sad… I think as long as both adults are on the same page and supportive to each other the kids will accept 2 homes. kids are great like that. Its when adults are snarky and bring in their own emotional baggage it gets messy. When your children hit their teens no doubt they will let you know what works for them. I have to say I have issues with women backing men into a corner of being a weekend dad just because they work more, in this age of equal opportunity Dads should have just as good a case as women in having custody of their children.
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We had friends who did exactly the same thing. They didn’t think it was fair to make the kids move house every week so they did it. They also rented a small flat in the same suburb. It was the best solution for their kids.
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I think it could probably work out well if you split custody fifty fifty, but you’d need few ground rules first. You’d have to agree not to live too far apart from each other, to have roughly the same household rules for each house (so they don’t see dads place as just a fun house, and yours as a prison) and to make sure you’ve both got enough time for the kids for starters. I can’t really speak from experience as my partner and I are a)still together and b) have no kids yet, but if anything ever happened and there were children involved I’d lean towards fifty fifty shared custody. I guess I just wouldn’t think it was fair if I took them for the majority of the time, and I’d be afraid they’d resent me for making them miss out on time with their dad. That said, I’d make sure he went to some sort of cooking course first and had a permanant cleaner :S
Of course, this is all assuming that your ex isn’t violent, abusive, and is a capable parent…
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My parents separated only briefly… But the worst thing that about their separation WASN’T their actual separation – it was hearing my Mum talk shit about my Dad. It sucked.
My Mum’s mental health wasn’t the greatest at the time – and obviously things are always tough in that situation… But the most important thing is for the kid/s is to still feel loved and supported by both parents and to know that their separation won’t impact upon their relationships with their parents…
Good luck Alexa*… I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, but I hope it all works out for the best xx
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Alexa you are lilving my life – our kids are even the same age. I have agonised over this myself. I absolutely do not want the kids to live everu other week in different houses for many different reasons. One of the main reasons is that my ex is not a hands on dad at all and he works very long hours, I too also work full time (by necessity) but my hours are much more family friendly. If he did have the kids they would spend a lot of time in some type of after care program which I would like to avoid if necessary. Unfortunately child custody issues are tied up with $$, the more you have them the more the ex has to pay you. I believe this is also a motivating factor on why my ex wants them. Don’t get me wrong – he loves his kids – but he has never been very involved with them. The good news is that he has backed down on the weekly custody and we are now negotiating four days a fortnight. If this is what you believe is best for the kids then I would recommend that you get a good lawyer. But think carefully about it, think about your reasons for not wanting them to spend every other week with their father – don’t use it as a weapon as unfortunately happens between two hurt adults.
Good luck Alexa, this is an incredibly sad time for me & I know exactly how you are feeling – dreadful. I’ve been told that things get better, they’d want to.
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Wow! That’s amazing!
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I have heard of a family making it successful, but it was an unusual situation. The kids remained in the one home and the parents moved in and out depending on when it was their turn for custody. They rented a small flat nearby and that was their home away from home and shared expenses for both places. I guess this would be impossible for many couples who havent split under amicable circumstances but it worked well for the kids.
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I was five when my parents separated and we stayed in the family home with my Mum. My Dad took my brother, sister and I every weekend, until as we got older and wanted to be with friends more, he had us every Saturday and then he moved up the coast and we saw him on holidays. I didn’t mind traveling to see my Dad or only seeing him on weekends.
I think the best thing both my parents did was they never ever spoken badly about each other to us. In fact it wasn’t until I was much older than I even realised how fair and civil they were with each other. My Dad also sacrificed a lot for us, giving up all his social activities every weekend to have us and he also supported us financially. My Mum worked hard too and today I think they took the best road when it comes to separation. I think it also helped in the long run as they both see each other at family events without issue.
So I’m not saying that you wont be like this, or already not like this, but please treat each other with respect in front of the children, as I think that being told negative things about their Mum or Dad would do so much damage.
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I know a family who has done exactly this and it has worked beautifully as far as anyone knows (that’s what both parents and the kids say anyway). I think part of the reason it works so well as that they live close to each other, even though the dad would much rather not continue living here if it were just him. The parents still see a lot of each other and I’ve never felt so much as an aggro vibe between them (we live in a small town, so we see them around a lot). They seem to communicate beautifully and get their kids to do the same. Who knows how it will come out in the wash, but who knows how any of our children’s lives will come out in the wash? I’m guessing though that this would only work if there’s limited animosity between the parents. I have another friend who stayed living in the house with her ex-husband for many years after they seperated, both for finiancial reasons and for stability for the kids. I’ve always thought that was amazing.
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I had quite a few friends with divorced parents and varying custody arrangements. For most of the part, they spent every second weekend with their fathers, and lived with their mothers for the rest of the time, except on holidays, when the time was split about half-half. Things like Christmas and Easter usually alternated, so it was Christmas with one parent, Easter with the other, and then the opposite the next year. In the case of amicable divorces, they usually did combined birthdays, graduations etc.
I also know people who did a week/fortnight in one house, the next week/fortnight in the other. They had everything she needed at both places, so things like homework and teddy bears were the only things that had to get moved from house to house.
I think both situations took people a while to get their heads around at first, but in the end, the kids were all cool with it, because that was just how their family worked. If your kids are okay with the idea of swapping houses every other week, give it a try. If things get to complicated, then sit down and reorganise it. Even if your ex kicks up a stink about it, a court is going to be on your side if you can say “Look, we tried it his way, and it’s not working for the kids”, as long as you’re obviously willing to compromise.
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I know someone who has 4 children all under the age of 12, and they have split up. The mum has the kids 9 days in a fortnight. That way they aren’t moved around too much, and they still get a whole weekend and a few days of normalcy with Dad.
This way they still had one home – sort of like a base camp, and Dad’s was like a mini holiday with three days of school…
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