I don’t love my dog as I should.
I just got back from dropping Tiger at the vet’s to have a hydrobath (in summer I wash him with the hose, but it’s cold today). They will call me in 30 minutes to say he’s done. I’ll collect him in an hour. Maybe two. I’ll arrive and find other dog owners cooing over their freshly groomed pooches and I’ll feel a fraud – because I don’t feel what they feel. I like Tiger well enough, but I can’t say I love him.
This is unexpected and shameful. Tiger was a much-wanted family pet, as much by me as the kids. Our previous dog, Jonah, died of oldness five years ago. There was a decent mourning period. Then a year and a half ago, I deemed the time right. I began research. Did not want a dog too big or too small. Prefer non-shedding. Nothing with ‘oodle’ as a suffix (this from Jim). Friendly, good with kids, cute. Enter the Lagotto – Italian truffle digger. Bigger than a spaniel, smaller than a Labrador. Perfect. And wouldn’t you know it? There was a breeder not too far from us – two puppies still available, ready for new homes at Christmas. We did our research and spoke to a vet (didn’t want an over-bred freak with bung eyes and dodgy hips). Everybody said, – ‘Great family dog, go for it.’
So Tiger came home with us on Christmas Eve, aged 12 weeks; a white and orange mop of loveliness. The kids were besotted. I was besotted with their besottedness.
And I waited to feel the love, but it didn’t happen. I walked him and fed him and brushed him. I took him to obedience training and let him nap in my study. Nothing. He doesn’t jump the fence, eat the laundry or bark at leaves. He’s affectionate and gentle. As dogs go, he ticks all the boxes. The kids (especially our 8 year old daughter) adore Tiger but I can’t say I do. I’m sure there are many reasons and they are all my fault, but in my heart I blame the dog.
Tiger is needy. His weird greenish eyes make me feel guilty every time I’m not chucking his rubber Kong for him. When I do throw it, sometimes he brings it back, sometimes he doesn’t. He’s moody as well as needy.
He’s ungrateful. He eats top quality dog food at great expense to the management but always wants what I am eating. His look says, ‘Are you going to finish that? Cos if you’re not …’ No matter what we’re doing, he wants to be doing something else. I want a pet that lives in the moment.
He’s sneaky. That is a cat’s job. Dogs aren’t meant to be sneaky.
He’s clumsy. This is a consequence of the sneakiness. Yesterday I sprung him skulking up the stairs and he tried to back down (this was actually quite funny).
He doesn’t smile. Not like Jonah used to.
I wonder if Tiger senses my apathy? If he knows my heart isn’t in it as I fling sticks around the dog park. Sometimes I think I need to try harder. I picture a day in 10 years time when he’s old and grey around the chops. Will the idea of being without him fill me with dread? Frankly, I can’t see it, but he’s part of our family so he can stay until I do.
Do you have a guilty secret ? Something that you think you might need to share?
Comments
831 Comments so far
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I know this couple. They are smug happy clapper Christians. They look down their noses at anyone who does not share their views. They say thing like “being gay is a choice and God will punish you if you act on your feelings” or ” abortion is murder and you’ll go to hell”. They weave religion into evey conversation and think they are so high and mighty. They met, we’re engaged 3 months later, married 6 months after that and had a baby 9 months after the wedding. Being happy clappers do the extreme kind, they called the child ‘Noah’. As you do. They think they have it all and they gleefully show off their perfect little family all over Facebook.
She used to declare that she was a virgin and was waiting for the perfect man, secretly shed been husband hunting for a long time but most men couldnt handle her over the top religious beliefs. She was so hungry for a wedding. Finally she got it.
The thing is, the husband is the most feminine homosexual I’ve ever met. I have a few gay friends, they all think he is one of them and feel really sad for him. All my friends who are not in their circle comment on his femmininess. At their wedding I overheard some wedding employees talking about the clearly gay groom and the hunky best man. The father in law is a minister in the salvation army and even more devout than both of them. It’s so clear the husband had no option to be openly gay, it would not be tolerated and if he came out they would ‘fix him’. They do believe you can be fixed, it’s so sad.
My guilty secret is that I take delight knowing at some point, perhaps in 20 years time the husband will come out of his perfectly groomed closet and will leave the wife.
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I find it cathartic telling the secrets and only wish I could tell them all but there are too many links that could expose me…..
And i wish you knew how I felt!
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I once watched an episode of McLeod’s Daughters because the remote was out of reach and I was too lazy to move.
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Ditto Baywatch. I feel so dirty.
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I am a 45+ male and I live with the scourge of bulimia!
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I am a family man and I slept with 4 very classy married women in 6 hours, including my wife!!!
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I am scared to sleep by myself. I have been sleeping with my mum in her bed for the last year because of this intense anxiety. I’m 27, and I don’t know how to make myself feel any better.
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I hate my brother. I think he is tool of the highest degree. He is nearly 40 and he still rings mum for money. He is a hypochondriac and a loser and forever he will be one.
(that felt good)
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I have been kissing someone I shouldn’t be!
We both know we should not be kissing.
But it is just so GOOD.
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I wish my husband had a bigger penis.
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My life is ruled by anxiety and fear, which has turned into depression. I have been going to therapy for the better part of a year and it has helped but there are some really dark days. I know I am not alone but, jeez. Sometimes, I feel like such an alien next to all my happy, shiny, smiley, not-a-care-in-the-world friends.
I dislike my family. All of them. Just am not close to any one of them, nuclear or distant.
I am so afraid of spending the rest of my life alone, but yet I am too anxious and afraid of being in social situations to meet new people. A hurdle I can’t quite climb over (not yet anyway).
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im a lesbian and im massively in love with a girl i used to know.
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This one is really terrible.
Really terrible.
My husband is religious and we got married quite young. We both feel strongly about not wanting children. I imagine that someday I might end up wanting a baby, but I will never be able to have children with him because of our religious differences. We get along well and just agree to disagree at times, but a child would really put a spanner in that, because he would want him or her raised in the religion he was brought up in and I think it’s too extreme.
He doesn’t believe in abortion- thinks if it as completely not an option- and I hate the idea too. But if I got pregnant accidentally I think I might just have one and not tell him. Because I’m freaked out by the idea of kids, because I know he really doesn’t want one either, but also because I know that having a child would probably tear our relationship apart.
But still, I do think it would be a horrific thing to do, to abort someone’s baby when they would consider it murder. When I think about it rationally I think I could never do that to him, but on the fourth day between going off the pill and getting my period, I always find myself googling abortion clinics.
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Goodness – 795 comments! I am in for some reading.
But, this article made me feel a bit crushed – for you and the dog. I can see how this can happen. The poor creature may not have personality. If you look into the history of the breed, and its use for truffle digging, perhaps it didn’t really need a personality.
I am always suspicious of anything described as being ‘family something’. It means bland, dumbed down, not really fun for anyone of any age. Family meals, family entertainment, family movie, family holiday, family home, family time, family pet. It’s all so contrived.
Pity about the ‘no -oodle’ stipulation. You could have got yourself a ripper pet.
I know you will and do, but try to be kind to this poor creature and think about where he’s coming from. At least he’s not barking at the neighbours or digging holes in the yard and so on.
Lastly, don’t laugh, but what about Dr Harry? I said don’t laugh. I’m sure he has heard of this before. He might be able to give you hints on what would really make Tiger’s life right.
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Tigers life sounds just fine. Not everything/everyone has to be adored by everyone.
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This is like therapy for me.I love being Jewish but think the religious beliefs are ridiculous.I think that the concept of God is like the ‘emperor’s new clothes”. There are so many laws and rules that I really don’t understand how an individual can cope with being a religious Jew.
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My guilty secret is me. Most people only know my alter ego.
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Beautifully said janes
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I lovvvvvvve this post!! Good reading for a night when I cant be bothered doing anything else!!
My secrets…
1. I love having big boobs and the fact that I don’t even think about them when doing my thing yet so many others do with their comments and looks ect and I love that my flat chested friends can never experience this (although I do think they look sexy in their own way anyway!)
2. I love that I was spoilt rotten with love, attention, money, and never ever told no or criticized by my father…I think it has given me an ‘its all about me attitude’ however this works out because I normally get what I want. (Hoping this does not decrease as I age!!)
3. I hate when close friends post depressing status updates on facebook….smile and the world smiles with you cry and you cry alone. I dont like giving attention to negativity / emotional outbursts…bad things happen, deal with it and move on.
4. I feel happy when people talk about growing up in poverty and my childhood was comfortable and hassle free…however I do see friends raised in poverty who are kicking ass with careers and lives now so perhaps it is a good motivation.
5. When I love a friend or partner I will do anything and everything for them…when they give me a reason to not love them I will completely change my ways. If you want to hate me I will give you a reason too.
And overall I think I have tendencies to be a selfish bitch who can be a little mean, however I am happy and I think that is the most important thing to be….and I am getting nicer, more considerate and charitable as I grow and see how nice it is to be giving and helpful.
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Sorry. But you sound horrid.
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I have many, many secrets but the biggest is probably that I have bulimia. Some of my friends know that I struggled with it when I was a teen but no one knows that I still do now. I would probably die of shame if anyone found out..
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I share your pain. I wish there was an off switch.
I hate it when I cross that eating line when I know I have had too much then it is on for young and old before i punish myself in the loo
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My secret is that regardless of how amazing I think my 3 year old daughter is and how much I love her.. sometimes I just want my old life back.
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1. I sometimes buy undies that are too small for me, then when i forgot and wear them out they are so painful i have take them off. I’ve had many undie-less days at work.
2. I know my husbands facebook account password, I regularly sneak in and look around at what he’s been doing. Unfortunately he’s not big on FB so nothing much ever changes.
3. I’m secretly sad that I don’t find anything juicy on his FB
4. I’m sometimes too nice to people I hate. I wish i was brave enough to tell them how i really feel.
5. My 2 dogs ran away recently, and although i was upset, i was secretly imagining what my life would be like without them..Quite, Cleaner…and then them both came back.
6. I have really bad road rage. All the time. I’m really rude to other drivers. I’m a terrible speeder, and often flip people the bird when I’m overtaking them.
7. I think my dad is an arsehole, but I’m always really nice to him when I see him.
8. My brother just got engaged and I don’t think it will work
9. My best friend is getting married and I’m not the maid of honour. I hate her for that. she has 5 bridesmaids and he sister is the maid of honour even though I know she secretly hates her sister, she only chose her to be diplomatic to the rest of us.
10. I have pretended to be asleep to avoid sex
11. I never answer my phone when my dad calls me
12. Sometimes when I use packet mix to make cake I tell people I made it myself if it turns out really well.
13. I lie to my mum about how much money I have / spend. I was always really bad at money when I was younger and I want her to think I’ve changed. I haven’t
14. I have scrapped my husband’s ex’s car with a key on more than one occasion
15. I often fanaticise about vandalising my husband’s ex’s house.
16. I lie about my weight all the time. Mostly to myself
17. I tell my ‘friends’ I’m busy with ‘family’ or something equally important when I don’t want to see them.
18. I love when my skinny friends put on weight, and sometimes tell them they look good in something when they don’t
19. I often lie to mu boss and tell her that I’ve done something when I haven’t.
20. I love my husband, but I don’t tell him enough.
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Classic stuff. Love it!
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Unfortunately I am not brave enough to post secrets in this medium… maybe one day… but I have loved scoping out the comments and seeing just how supportive everyone is (not that I am shocked by this… it is just lovely to be reminded how supportive the MamaMia community can be)
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Thanks for everyone’s posts – what a great read!
1. I love my dog way more than the dog my partner and I bought together. The poor little guy hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong – but the love’s just not there. Thankfully my partner seems to prefer the ‘joint’ dog, so the love evens out
2. If I buy a treat I don’t even try to control myself. I figure I’m going to eat it all eventually so I may as well scoff it!
3. I want to get married and have children pretty much now even though many would consider me too young (including my partner – sigh). While my friends have the ‘ah I would die if I fell pregnant’, ‘how would I manage my career?!’ discussion, I just sit there thinking that I’m just inappropriately goo goo gaga clucky
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Kate
Just wanted to say your description of your dog backing down the stairs when you surprised him had me in stitches. Very funny piece indeed!
My guilty secret is that i’m quite proud of the fact that i’m aging so well. I’m 35 and have creases around mouth and lines on my forehead but my eyes remain wrinkle free! Yay for me! I have no secrets. I love wine and im an ex-smoker. I don’t eat all that healthily either but I do drink a lot of water. Whatever, somethings working!
Also I secretly think that people who order their steak rare or even black blue (ughh) are wankers who like to affect an air of foodie about themselves. Like they think it means they are sophisticated because they like blood oozing out of their meat into their veg. Hmmmm.
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Thanks Margaret. Dog in reverse was pretty funny. Sorry to admit I like my steak rare. I do however, hate and despise oysters and don’t actually believe anyone truly likes them. They are just showing off
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My dad was a chef, and owned a restaurant. He was head chef of this restaurant. He used to walk around with an oyster hanging out his nose . . .
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I love rare steak (and steak tartare) also love raw oysters with a squeeze of lemon and a dash of tabasco. I’m not a foodie and am 90% vegetarian!
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Or.. maybe they order medium rare because they like the taste? i dunno just putting it out there…
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Well, my 96 year old grandmother is in a nursing home with dementia (the type where she knows she keeps forgetting things, and gets upset). So essentially she is dying slowly.
I’ve been sick with the flu, and i felt like going and and visiting her while i was sick, so she could get the flu and hopefully ‘go on her way’.
thats such a terrible thought isn’t it? I love her, but theres nothing more I want than for her to be out of pain and misery. I wish euthanasia was legal for people like her, it breaks my heart to see her so upset :’(
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i can’t stand my 6yo best friend… he is such an irritating person and the parents don’t really do anything about it… like, he makes horrible voices, doesn’t know how to play with toys, he just throws them across the room… arghhh… hate him. but i feel terrible for it, i am never mean to him or anything, but sometimes i feel like saying don’t ever come back here! my son loves the friend… i wish he found a new bestie…
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Luckily he’s only six, not 16. Don’t invite the friend over. Encourage other friends and then get your son to invite them over. Soon enough, your son will be doing more sport or other activities where he will meet different children.
Also, if you notice this behaviour, surely your son does too. You didn’t comment on how your son feels when the boy does this. You can mention the undesirable behaviour casually to your son without blatantly criticising the other child. You can also mention how you like such-and-such (positive) action of X child. It’s good to let your children choose their own friends but it’s also very good to help them make judgements about people.
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I wish my mother was dead. Or lived in Spain. It would make my life a whole lot less stressful.
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Mine is finally, after years of wishing she was too.
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I wish every hour of every day my mum was alive.
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Hmm my comment disappeared!
All I said was that I fill the sink with water when I have too many dirty dishes if unexpected guests come over. It looks like I was mid-wash and they just happened to ‘surprise’ me.
Truth is those dishes have probably been there since last week. Oops.
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My Aunt puts her dirty dishes in the oven until they’re ready to be washed.
If it doesn’t fit in the dishwasher I give it away. Tut tut.
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Leaving the vacumn out or the washing machine open also works well in this situation
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my guilty secret is that I’m not in love with my husband any more, but I’m not interested in leaving him cos he makes my life easier (even though he gives me the shits a bit). But then I feel bad that he’s stuck with a wife who doesn’t love him, and therefore doesn’t treat him as well as he probably should be treated. Do I look after my needs (stay) or his (go)?
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You aren’t alone….except I have someone I want to sleep with too. aghhhhh
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ohh – that does complicate things. I’m not the least bit interested in anyone else, and truth be told if we didn’t have children then I probably would leave, but they totally complicate things in a way I’m not ready to contemplate. Good luck to you.
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Thanks, and to you. And by the way, I should say that this is not a situation I am enjoying and it is very frustrating. I also have two friends that are going through this too in similar ways….it seems to be the time in life.
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I am in a similar position. I often feel like I stay with my husband as financially with 2 young children I don’t know how I would cope if I left him. I haven’t really worked for 2 years and have never been a job that pays the kind of money I would need. What makes it bearable is that he travels for work most weeks so isn’t around much.
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This reminds me of the thing in Date Night about being really ‘excellent roommates’. I understand that it is really, really difficult, but there are alternatives to giving up. It takes persistence and endurance, but forcing yourself to be thoughtful and caring, and to actually think about them and their needs every day for at least a month could make all the difference.
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OK, so I’m a 32 year old mum, and I love Power Rangers.
Old school, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
In high school I used to race home to see them on TV at 3.30.
At uni, I wrote a power ranger fanfic and had it published on a power ranger fanfic website, and even got some fan mail.
Now I’m a “grown-up”, I have them on DVD and love watching them with my kids. And I still like watching Tommy the green/white ranger.
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I have just lost my dog and can imagine myself being like this with the next one, I can’t bear to think of another one but the boys do ask…
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Okay here are my guilty secrets.
1. When my dog died i cried for three days, when my uncle died i cried for an hour.
2. I am so lazy i sometimes eat dinner lying down, cos i cant be bothered sitting up.
3. Most kids really annoy me (except my nephew).
4. To my shame, it sometimes makes me feel better if a friend has a bad day at work because it makes me feel better about my shitty day at work.
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hey anon, these all sound pretty reasonable to me. Especially 1). Just ask yourself how many hours per day you spent with your dog versus your uncle, and secondly which of the two was there for you when you needed company, companionship and love…
the others are just who you are, nothing to be ashamed of. the dinner one sounds funny to me because I hate crumbs in bed.
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Thank you for replying Simon! I have to say, it is very annoying eating peas while lying down!
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Good for you for eating peas!!!
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I eat my peas with honey.
I’ve done it all my life.
Makes ‘em taste a bit funny but
It keeps them on the knife.
(Thanks to Ogden nash)
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Im considering getting a vibrator……….oh alright I brought one online today, an ivibe rabbit thing which got rave reviews. Im happily married and sex life ok (quality NOT Quantity!) but husband is working a LOT in the next few months so thought it might be fun to try something new as I have never had anything like this. Are they as good as the reviews said or have I wasted my money?
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They are good. Very good….. Very, very good….
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Def. worth the money. Have you told your man or is it a secret prezzie just for you?
My guilty secret is that I have a vibrator just for me. =-)
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Secret just for me
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Rose – I also like standing next to fat people so I feel skinny! I’m a standard size 10-12 but have quite a few friends who are size 6-8 and I always feel so fat standing next to them. God, I’m a horrible person!!!
Also, I check out other women’s bodies a lot….not in a bitchy scrutinising way, but actually admiring their bodies in a nice ,almost sexual way. Sometimes these women give me REALLY dirty looks cause they think I’m doing it in a nasty way but I’m not at all…I just think female bodies look great and I enjoy looking at them!! Also, I’d like to sleep with another woman someday even though i consider myself hetero.
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I’m in love with my boyfriends best friend. I loved him even before I met my bf. I though dating his friend would fix it. It didn’t.
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ooooh i love secrets
mine: im married but i love to fantasize about sleeping with other men
and i love to stand next to fat people so i feel skinny
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I’m a bridesmaid for my large friend and all the other bridesmaids are large girls too. I cant wait for the wedding because no matter what she puts us in, i think I’ll look the best.
Oh dear.
I felt really mean thinking this until my mum pointed it out independently. ha.
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1) I wish my mum was more like me.. or the other way around. We are complete opposites and we have absolutely no similar interests. Even when we do something “girly” like shopping she’s off to her gardening stores while I’m at clothes stores. Then that’s usually followed by coffee which is filled with her doing a lot of talking/lecturing but absolutely zero listening.
2) Sometimes I wonder if there’s something medically wrong with her as she responds to something I say but has no recollection of her actually hearing it. For example I came home one day telling her that I just almost passed out in a shopping centre and she said “ohhh..” and came into my room 2 hours later saying that my sister told her that I almost passed out and asked me why I didn’t mention it.
Or I’d say “oh this is on sale, 99c…” she’d look at it and say how good that is.. and then say “and it’s on sale for 99c.. pretty good!”
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My mum has the exact same issue L. If yours is anything like mine, it’s because she’s entirely self-referrant and can’t experience the world unless it’s about her = meaning she can’t listen to anyone else.
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This sounds exactly like my mother?
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Mine has a pathological need to be the one telling stories or guiding the conversation: I might be halfway through telling her something really personal/difficult for me and she’ll cut in with a loosely related factoid or story that steers the conversation somewhere else entirely.
And she complains that I don’t tell her anything.
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Snort! This one is ringing bells for me.
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Mine?
I am a defacto and I HATE it, you know what a de-facto is? Its a thing you have until you get a real thing. Something you get just to tide you over. I am sick of being the fill in, its been nearly 10 years and I want a bloody marriage, a promise, a ring. Worse still is that he knows it, knows I feel this way and still nothing.
And don’t tell me that marriage doesn’t change anything, only married people say that, its bullshit and it just makes you sound smug.
I do not care about your animals, they are not fur babies, they are not “children” grow the fuck up and stop pretending they are. You have animals you love a whole heap? Fine, I do too, I love my cat, however he is not a child and neither is yours.
I want my brother dead really I do. The only downside I see with this plan is that instead of the abusive alcho deadshit he actually is he will be remembered by my mum & his children he neglected as a good and decent man who was taken far too soon. Which he isn’t & never has been and probably never will be.
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Hello, you sound sad and a more than a little bit angry. I hope things work out for you.
Consider this message a hug – you might not want a hug from a stranger, but it’s here anyway. I hope something happens for you today to make you smile.
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Wow you sound angry. I am in a defacto relationship and don’t think that marriage changes anything, couldn’t care less if I ever get married, I am very secure in my relationship as it is. However, if you want to get married and your boyfriend refuses to do it, I think you’ve got a problem. There is a reason why he doesn’t want to marry you and you need to get to the bottom of that. Is he waiting for someone better to come along? Ten years is a long time to be waiting for something you want. Good luck.
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wow, sounds like you need to get a lot out of your system. I’m a defacto by choice and have a beautiful daughter with my loving partner. We don’t see it as a “thing you have until you get the real thing”, we just don’t believe in marriage. On the other hand, we have been talking about having a celebration of our love of some kind, but we don’t see it as a validation of our commitment and love for each other. The comiitment and love we see in the things we do for each other everyday. I hope it all improves for you though, good luck
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i’m with you – partly. I know plenty of people who aren’t married who think marriage is not the be all and end all. But i do think marriage changes you, and sadly it can be because of what other people think about it and it can be hard to disregard other opinions no matter how much you think they suck. Try getting married and NOT having kids. You’ll be in for years of ‘why did you bother getting married?’
In the end, your relationship is your business. Does your partner have a reason for not getting married? Is it a deal breaker? I wish you all the best, no matter the outcome.
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I actually get what you are saying (about de facto), I was one of those that thougt that marriage is just a piece of paper. But now, after half my life being in de facto relationships, I crave the ‘real’ thing!
I hope you feel happy now and that things are on the up for you. Loads of hugs X
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Being married is wonderful. If he doesn’t think you deserve a wedding, a ring and the promise – then you should find someone who does. My mum always said living together gives you all the problems of a marriage and none of the benefits. Having been in several de facto situations and now happily married, I know that it’s absolutely true. Good luck x.
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1/ I fell pregnant from one of two guys i slept with in a week. Im fairly certain its the second one. ive never seen them since. I have never ever told a single person because I am so afraid of being judged. I successfully kept my slutty ways secret for so long and I dont want that to change.
2/ I havent had sex in a few years and am convinced its because i am a ugly horrible disgusting human being who no-one will ever find attractive
3/ i fantasise about killing myself on a daily basis. i often dont realise i am doing it. If it wasnt for my child…. there is no way i could go on. I just know i couldnt do it to her. I want out of this life more than anything.
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You should really talk to someone about those feelings, even though you say you couldn’t do it because of your child, you need to understand why you feel this way and try to change it. If not for you at first then do it for your daughter, she will eventually notice that you are unhappy and it will impact on her life too.
Please speak to someone, http://www.beyondblue.org.au try here for a start. xxx
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Its great to read that you won’t go through with killing yourself but also really sad to hear you constantly are thinking about it.
Please go and see your doctor it is no way to live when you always want out. There are also phone counsellors or beyond blue or many other organisations who can help. This is a guilty secret that you do not need hide. In fact you should not hide it. Share these feelings and make them go away
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Hi anon. Sleeping with 2 people in one week does not make you a slut! We all make mistakes, and sometimes they turn into something wonderful (ie your child). I bet you’re a great Mum. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Like others have said I think seeing someone to reign in those negative thoughts would be really helpful. You’re worth it, and your child will benefit from having a Mum who forgives herself and is kind to herself. Good luck x
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lovely anon,
2 guys in one week does NOT a slut make,
2 guys in one night does NOT a slut make,
2 guys at the same time does NOT a slut make,
a slut is a name that you don’t need to be shaming yourself with, forgive yourself. Talk to someone, a problem shared is actually a problem halved.
Life is long, so many people do so many things, at the end of your life this will not define you. Raising a happy child outweighs (1000 times) anything unsavory you might think you have done.
xoxo
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Oh Sweetie, if you’re a slut then I am a trashy-whore-dirt-bag, cos in my youth I slept with 2 boys in the same night – a few hours apart. But I choose not to think that of myself. That’s not who or what I am and neither are you.
Please please talk to your GP or someone you trust. Even if it is just for the sake of your precious child. How you perceive yourself has such a hugh impact on your child.
You are a good mother. You are choosing to live so you can continue to raise your child. so obviously you are also very strong. When you feel like shit but still wanna do the right thing by your child, that means you are so very strong and so very resourceful. So use all those resources that you don’t even know you have and try and find someone who can help you.
Big hugs
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You are worth so much more then you think. Please talk to someone about your feelings. Lifeline is also a great place to call if you feel like you want to talk to someone. 13 1114 is the number 24 hours a day. Suicide is never the answer.
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I judge fat people. Even though I’ve been overweight in the past I still judge them. I think overweight people have no self control and when I look at them I imagine them at home, alone binging on junk. I think people who say they are ok with being plus size are liars. They are just too lazy to do anything about it.
I love that my MIL is now fat. When I met her 6 years ago she was tall, blonde and slim. Her love of wine (bottle or two a night!) and full fat food has caught up with her and she is now 20kg+ overweight. She used to judge me after I had my baby for being overweight. Now it’s the other way around.
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I’m overweight and I judge fat people, it is so hypocritical but I can’t help it, I don’t understand why I do it but I can’t help it.
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My guilty secrets are:
1. I had an affair a few years back with a married man, whose wife had just had a baby. I didn’t think much of it at the time (I was only 22), but now that I am married and have a new baby, I feel sick at the thought of what I did to the other woman. They are still (happily) married though, but I run into her all the time everywhere – its karma.
2. I don’t really like my nephew. At all.
3. I love my little dog more than my husband. But I guess its not that much of a secret, because he knows it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband to bits, I just love my dog more
Other than that, I’m a pretty good person…. I think?
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My secret WAS that I cheated on my boyfriend while I was overseas for university exchange for 5 months. He found out, when I left my facebook logged in on his laptop accidentally, and he went through all my messages.
I still loved him when I cheated, and loved him when I returned home and was with him for another month.
I told everyone it was a horrible mistake and I regretted it. So my secret… is that I don’t regret it. I enjoyed every moment… and though I would never cheat again because I’ve seen how it hurts both parties… I would see him again now I’m single.
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Wow that is exactly what happened to me. Every detail. I think you have made the right decision to end things with your boyfriend though. I stayed with mine for another year and the fact that i cheated (and he found out by going on my computer) was toxic to our relationship, as was the fact that i had fallen for the guy I cheated with. I have now split with the boyfriend and am back in the country I did exchange in (didnt come back for the guy i was sleeping with here even though Im still in love with him) and exchange guy with wants nothing to do with me. Karma really is a bitch.
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wow, I know how easy it is to love yet betray ones partner.
I had the most wonderfull 4 year affair with a married woman 10 years younger than me.
She meant so much to me but my wife and kids meant more so I stayed and I probably kidded myself she would ever leave her hubs for me.
She ended up leaving town with her hubs and kids. I still think of her every day. ISLU
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I’m beyond annoyed that two of my younger sisters have boyfriends and I don’t. If either if them get married or have kids before me, I’ll kill them. Or just be quietly horribly jealous. grrr.
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Don’t be jealous. Sometimes the people who wait longer get the partner that really suits them.
Throw your energy into career, study, travel or anything else that builds you, otherwise you are not living your life, and you won’t change what they do.
And also, embrace their boyfriends and get involved in their wedding plans, children etc. when they happen. It sounds corny but you will gain brothers-in-law (or friends if you’d prefer to think of them like that) and nieces and nephews who will love you if you are a caring aunt. Don’t just sit there seething with jealousy. You will feel better for it. And life is long. You and your sisters will have good and bad times. It all pans out in the end.
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My guilty secret? I rarely answer my home phone or mobile phone because I just can’t be bothered talking to people.
Hopefully the person ringing will leave a message or text. Then I can text back – if I get around to it!
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OMG this is me exactly. I HATE the phone. My sisters keep telling me to get Skype, but I HATE that even more – at least with the phone you can do something else at the same time. With Skype you just have to sit there and look at them. Torture. I also have a phobia about private numbers. If someone with a private number calls, I won’t answer it in case its someone I don’t want to talk to.
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i NEVER answer private numbers! as far as i’m concerned, if you want to talk to me, at least have the decency to show me who it is that’s calling. that way if i miss your call i can call you back!!!!!
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me too!!!
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have you ever thought that they were private for a reason?
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Me too!
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This is me too, especially if it’s an in-law.
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Oh I feel so guilty I can hardly even type the words…. but here goes.
I’m pregnant. That was hard to “say out loud” as it’s still early (only about 9 weeks) and we haven’t told anyone yet and don’t plan to tell until after the nuchal translucency (spelling?) ultrasound at 12 weeks when we hopefully get the all clear.
We struggled with infertiltiy for a few years which was getting me down. I have PCOS and had to take meds with awful side effects to help with ovulation. But by gosh, by some miracle it has worked.
I have been really sick since about week 5. Constant nausea, dizziness, I’m so so tired and have very painful bloating with alternating constipation and upset stomach (sorry if that was an over-share!).
Now I understand that this is all a pretty normal part of pregnancy but I feel like shit. I’ve been so sick that I really haven’t enjoyed that fact that I’m finally pregnant and feel so guilty about it. I feel like surely I should be able to suck it up and be happy for myself and then thinking about others out there who are still struggling to get pregnant makes me feel even worse. Right now I just really want this pregnancy to be over and the baby to be here and feel like such a bitch because I should be enjoying this wonderful thing my body is (finally!) doing.
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… and over 600 posts! I wanted to read all of these.. but 600 posts! A lot of guilty secrets out there
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Nah. Just a lot of judgement
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Actually, I’ve been amazed at the number of, ‘you’re not alone’ comments.
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the judgement is usually of the self – we are hard on ourselves.
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Firstly, congratulations!
Don’t feel guilty about wanting the baby the to be here now. I was so sick as well during my pregnancies. It was bloody awful the sickness. It’s something that unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t understand why some women are so desperate for the pregnancy to be over. I used to look at my glowing pregnant friends and feel so miserable and guilty and envious that I wasn’t like that too.
Lots of luck with your scan and remainder of the pregnancy
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Yeah, I wasn’t super excited through my pregnancy either. I wasn’t sick or anything, it just got, I don’t know, tiresome? I didn’t particularly hate it, but I didn’t love it either. I also don’t really like being the centre of attention, and being knocked up kind of thrusts you into that! I hated feeling like the pregnancy nazis were watching me whenever I ate out and stuff.
Look at it this way – it’s 9 months of crappiness with the outcome of a kid! Try not to dwell too much on how you “should” be feeling. And don’t go to too many websites or read too many magazines – they’re a sure way to get you down. I just signed up to a couple of sites, Birth.com.au and babycenter.com.au for their week by week emails, and read Up the Duff.
I looked at it as a big science experiment on my body, and rather than being super happy/sad/excited about what was going on, I just found it all interesting. A good way to take the pressure off yourself, I think.
I’m not a big “baby” person, so I’m kind of employing that outlook at the moment – it’s interesting watching development and reflecting on what Katharine can do now that she couldn’t a month ago, but it’s not all magical. A lot of it is boring and frustrating!
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Don’t feel bad – and don’t be sucked in by the media hype about glowing pregnacies and hubbies rubbing bellies with delight. What a crock!
I was sick from day one – all through until week 30 – vomiting everything. The only thing I could keep down was Coca Cola. My poor baby (who is now 11 and healthy as) was nurtured in the womb on Coke…oh, and Quick Eze and Mylanta because my heartburn was hideous.
Both my pregnancies were awful, I am only 5’1″ so I looked like a walking medicine ball and the only glowing I did was the sweat break-out on my forehead from vomiting for the 15th time that day.
I used to wish my baby could grow in a test tube…so I totally understand how you feel!
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My best mate was still sick DURING labour with one of her boys. When she was preggers with the first, she was so sick – we couldn’t cook or sometimes even eat so many things around her. It was awful.
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Oh I am loving this…. I had a terrible time when I was pregnant!! constant vomiting (all male office), bad circulation, mood swings, and I was also sick just after labour (had to hand over my baby girl so I could vomit)… I suspect the mix of hospital drugs and empty stomach (I had an epidural, as well as hormones to fast-forward labour, and an antiobiotic drip for a small infection I had contracted during pregnancy). But there were also some good times (having some time to sleep, read, watch tv and eat eat eat!!)
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Congratulations!
Please don’t feel like you should be guilty about just wanting it all over. I had horrible all day sickness with both my pregnancies (it works as a great future birth control actually!
). I really didn’t enjoy the first trimester of either of them and my attitude was just ‘knuckle down and get through it’ rather than that I was glowing and loving every second. I have very clear memories of laying down with my cheek on the cool floor feeling terrible!!
The thing is that around 15 weeks with both my pregnancies I started to feel so much better. After that I definitely really enjoyed them and loved the first kicks etc etc. I will hope desperately for you that you will be lucky enough to enjoy the same! Hang in there! It definitely will get better – you are just in the worst bit right now and it is ok to feel like you do!!
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I loathed being pregnant, LOATHED it and felt guilty about it. During my first pregnancy (esp early on) if I could have turned the clock back and never been pregnant I might have done it. I still wanted a baby I just didn’t want to be pregnant. My GP thought I had mild pre-natal depression but I was never treated.
I was on a massive high for months after she was born, with the relief of not being pregnant anymore. No sleepless night compared to the horror or pregnancy. After my second daughter was born I lay in recovery sobbing and sobbing with the relief that I NEVER, EVER had to be pregnant again.
Best of luck. xxxx
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Don’t feel guilty! At least you want the baby! I hated my entire pregnancy, and not because I was sick – I actually didn’t get morning sickness once. I hated every minute because I didn’t want a baby in the first place – my husband sort of talked me into having a baby. Anyway, now that she’s here and 9 months old, I LOVE her to bits and wouldnt give her back for anything!
The women who say they love being pregnant, are freaks of nature! Everyone I know (who is honest) found it tiring, they felt sick, couldn’t drink alcohol so spent 9 months as the designated driver and fun police, couldn’t eat so many yummy things, and felt fat and cumbersome. You’re not alone.
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i’m one of those freaks of nature who loves being pregnant. sure, the first trimester is shit. nausea, feeling beyond exhausted, vomiting, headaches that last for days and nothing helps ease……yep shit is an understatement.
but once i get to about 14-16 weeks, my body gets on with making the baby instead of hating it, and my tummy starts to grow and i love it. i love having a fat tummy! i don’t have to walk around holding it in, i can eat as much as i want and not worry cos my pregnant belly means i already look ‘fat’ so food, too much food is no problem!
and with my first 2 pregnancies, my libido went thru the roof. hubby LOVED it. he has a very high libido. prior to kids we were perfectly matched, then after kids not so much and then when i hit 20 weeks or so we’re perfectly matched again. however this time around my libido has gone AWOL. it sucks, cos i was really looking forward to that part of the pregnancy!
hang in there – as i said, first trimester is shit. hoping it does get better for you!!!! all the best with the scan too!
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I love the mamamia community
Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my post! I don’t feel so guilty anymore and it’s really really good to know I’m not alone in my feeling so awful during the first part of my pregnancy.
I must admit that while reading all the responses I actually had a few happy tears. Not because I’m happy anyone else is going through or has gone through the same thing but because you were all so lovely and thoughtful to share your stories with me to make me feel better. You are all beautiful and I sincerely thank you
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I don’t like my mother or sister – would never be friends with them in any way if they weren’t related to me. They don’t know this though so I must be a fairly good actor.
I bought a block of dark chocolate today so i could have a bit sometimes to keep the sugar cravings at bay – too late – whole block gone
I don’t eat vegetables unless I have to.
I’m not a mad animal lover either
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I wish we didn’t have any of our pets. Growing up we had lots of pets and I always thought of myself as an animal person…until now.
We have two dogs and one cat. The hair they shed everywhere and the poop everywhere is driving me nuts. I will never get another pet again once these ones die. Sometimes I calculate how old the dogs are and think “only 5 more years to go…”.
How horrible is that???
But I should point out that my husband and kids shower them with love and attention, so they are well looked after on the whole.
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I do that too, counting down the years! We have 2 cats, 2 dogs and a fish and my husband and kids love them. I like one of the dogs but that’s it. The oldest dog, the one I don’t like, is 15 and still going strong. I think she’s going to set some sort of record for longevity, oh well.
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Thanks for the supportive comments, guys!! Nice to know others either feel or felt the same way and I’m not a total freak! The idea of waking up to a screaming baby and changing diapers just really doesn’t appeal to me at all….I think I’d also make a really bad mother cause I don’t even know how to hold a baby, would have no idea why they were crying and can’t handle stuff like vomit!! and getting married? How could I possibly choose who I wanna spend the rest of my life with, what if I get it wrong?? I’m glad others either feel or felt the same at some stage in their life….maybe there’s hope for me yet? Sometimes I wonder if I’m missing some gene or something cause I don’t dream about a white wedding and five screaming children! lol
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I’ve told my kids if they get tattoos they will get hepatits C, go yellow, get liver disease and not be able to have babies.
My sons watch their favourite NRL players each week for any signs of going yellow…
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I wish I had thought of that one! I just told them if they did drugs or got tattoos they’d be out of the Will and the other sibling would get it all. I was half joking, but secretly hoping they would understand I didn’t want them to end up on drugs or with regretful tattoos as elderly people.
It did not work! My son has two tattoos. Ugh.
But something that does work is taking bedroom doors off when they are teenagers if they misbehave. Teenagers just LOVE their privacy
Nothing worked like removing the bedroom door. I wish I still had that power with my two eldest!
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One of the other Mums at my sons school has lured me into sharing her bed a number of times after the school drop off. My husband doesn’t know, none of my friends know. I didn’t even know I’d be attracted to another woman, let alone a fellow school Mum.
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Juicy! Good on you, at least you are living it up!
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Wow Annonnyme! That is a certainly a secret
I think it’s a post topic in itself… I have a genuine question for people, with no judgement, honestly, hand on my heart, promise!
Anonymous, you say ‘Good on you, at least you are living it up!’. Would you say this if the affair was with another man?
Where I am coming from is the whole debate about infidelity and whether is worse/bad/same if the affair is with someone of same sex or opposite.
Annonnyme, do you feel like it’s more of an experiment for you, or does it feel like a real love affair? Which, I guess feels different for different people, so maybe a strange question – sorry!
Again, no judgement, just interested
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How’d it start? Over an innocent coffee invite, a discussion which turned into a salacious conversation. I suspect she had ulterior motives.
It’s nice to feel desired, wanted, sexy again. Feelings you lose with the passing of time. Is it an experiment? Probably, I’m just going with something that takes me away from the mundaneness of the day to day stay at home Mum. I don’t feel love for her, although I now do feel desire.
Is it as bad as an affair with a guy? Probably, but in someways less threatening?
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Thanks for your honesty
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Wow, that is a great secret!. Can you give any more details, like how did it start?, how longs it been going on? does she have a husband?.
2 school mums at my sons school left their husbands for each other early last year as they’d been having an affair for about a year and fell in love. It was shocking at first and people gossiped but now everyone is used to seeing them together and happy that they are happy, it was and is hard on the kids though.
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Has anyone started rioting in the vicinity? (Don’t let Miranda Divine know about this…)
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Get a job if you need something to do. I’m surprised at the level of support for this act of trashery.
Your husband is out working while you contribute nothing and worse, betray him. Nasty.
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With no other sweet things in the pantry, I have been known to help myself to lollies from my kids party bags. I only take the snakes, oh and the teeth, and the chico’s….oh alright and the mini cadbury chocolate’s. But I do draw the line at the warheads. And while Im at it, I should also confess to eating some of their easter eggs, well they get that many they wont notice a few missing
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My biggest guilty secret is that I am no longer “in love” with my husband and secretly wish he would cheat on me so it would give me a good excuse to leave the relationship
I feel terrible for having such thoughts and know that I should have the guts to fess up but I can’t. Not yet anyway.
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thats so sad…do you have kids?
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I know right and yes we have two year old boy which makes it even harder. Any advice?
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One of my best friends recently left her husband because she was no longer in love with him. They have a 4 year old son. She told me she had been thinking about leaving for such a long time, as she was no longer happy. Whilst her husband was devastated that she left, she has never been happier. Her only regret is that she didn’t do it sooner – the reason was that she didn’t want to hurt him. Their son is fine. Good luck with your decision – you deserve to be happy x
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I am guessing it would be easier for your son if you leave while he is still so young. Good luck xx
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Totally agree with BatGirl. If you can’t make it work or fall back in love with your husband then it probably would be better to leave while your son is young, so he doesn’t have to suffer having his father leave him when he is 10 or something and after you have suffered along all those years. If he is only little, he will grow up knowing the set-up, which will be a form of stability in itself.
The flipside of this is of course that you might need to work more (don’t know your situation) and then you won’t be able to be around for your little one as much. It might just be too hard for you to leave now, but you could begin to mentally prepare yourself, make sure you have a good network of friends and an income of some kind. Then it will be easier when you feel you have had enough.
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Sorry, I don’t mean to pry but what initially caused the love to fade between the two of you?
Also, have you suggested maybe seeing a counselor to help work things out? I know once the love is gone, its hard to get it back but if you’re undecided about leaving him then maybe speaking to someone who can help you both reconnect may be helpful. I know two couples who have been to marriage counseling whilst on the brink of divorce and both worked through their issues, and came through it. While their marriages are not 100% where they would like, their relationships are much stronger than they were and both my girlfriends are now much happier having worked through some issues.
All the best xx
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I hear you. As I commented above, I’m not in love with my husband any more either. But unlike you I don’t want to leave as being with him makes my life simpler and easier. It’s a weird situation to be in, and I feel guilty about it.